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Relationship Expert: "This is When You Should Walk AWAY!" | Sadia Khan

Want to have more love and improve your modern relationship? This is for you! Expert in psychodynamic therapy and relationship specialist Sadia Khan breaks down the dynamics of modern dating! 🔥

Sadia KhanguestLewis Howeshost

Nov 20, 202350mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Sadia's Background: Neglect, Self-Esteem and Understanding Human Nature
Lewis asks what qualifies Sadia to speak on relationships when she isn't married and has no kids. Sadia describes growing up neglected by her siblings, and Lewis shares his own lonely childhood that made him an observer of people.
- •Sadia says a healthy level of trauma ignited her curiosity about human nature
- •She was the neglected middle child at home but confident and popular outside it
- •She struggles to accept compliments and keeps hypercritical close friends
- •Lewis describes being the youngest of four and watching people as a child
- •Sadia says feeling like an outsider among her sisters gave her insight into the male brain
What Men and Women Really Want in a Relationship
Lewis asks what men and women really want. Sadia says men want a place to take off the mask and have their needs predicted, while women want to be protected. They discuss peace, self-control and why early communication matters.
- •Sadia says men wear a mask in the real world and value a home where it can come off
- •Appreciation for a man can mean anticipating his needs, not just saying thank you
- •Sadia says men who choose wisely and have self-control get peace without asking for it
- •Lewis and Sadia stress communicating needs early, before anger or marriage
- •Sadia says movies teach us that having to explain means it isn't real love
How a Woman Feels Safe: Protection and Trust
Sadia explains that women want emotional, financial and physical protection and feel unsafe when a man disregards her wellbeing. Lewis explains how he handles trust and agreements with his partner Martha.
- •Sadia says a woman who feels more powerful than her man feels unsafe and may disrespect him
- •The top source of unsafety, per Sadia, is disregard for her emotional wellbeing, such as whose pictures he likes online
- •Lewis says he makes agreements when something bothers him and feels secure in himself
- •Sadia says a lot of people mistake obsession for love when they lack boundaries
- •Lewis chose to accept Martha for who she is, including her acting career
Why We Try to Change People and Why Walking Away Matters
Lewis asks why people try to change their partners. Sadia says it comes from insecurity and the inability to walk away. She contrasts secure and insecure partners and says waiting for someone to change is waiting for the divorce.
- •Sadia says we try to change people because we're too insecure to walk away
- •A secure person reads the menu and decides to stay or leave
- •An insecure person demands the partner do things instead of leaving
- •Both hosts say they have been on both sides of this
- •Sadia says waiting for them to change is waiting for the divorce
Starting a Relationship with Therapy and Emotional Safety
Lewis describes what he did differently with Martha, asking early on to go to therapy together. He says his past partners resisted therapy, while Martha was enthusiastic.
- •Lewis says his past relationships didn't work and his partners resisted therapy
- •He asked Martha to try therapy at the start rather than waiting for problems
- •Martha said she had always wanted to do that too
- •Lewis calls the process a beautiful foundation
Do People Change? Falling in Love with Imagination
Lewis asks what happens when a woman believes her man will change. Sadia says she has fallen in love with her imagination and reality eventually strikes. Lewis adds that most divorced women he's talked to knew beforehand it wasn't the right match.
- •Sadia says women fall in love with imagination, and traumatized people blur imagination and reality
- •She says reality testing continues until you face who the person truly is, often after kids or years
- •Sadia says people show who they are from day one
- •Lewis says about 95% of divorced women he asked knew beforehand it was wrong
Why Women Settle and Who Files for Divorce
Sadia attributes women marrying the wrong man to biological and societal pressure to settle down. She compares this with men, who she says tend to accept a bland marriage, and says women file for divorce more, sometimes as a cry for help.
- •Sadia says biological pressure begins in a woman's late 20s
- •Under that pressure women overlook red flags or know they themselves aren't ready
- •Sadia says men who know it's wrong tend to accept the monotony and stay
- •Sadia says women file for divorce more and sometimes use it to test their partner
26:20 – 28:18
Why Women Test Men
Sadia explains that women test men for evolutionary reasons tied to the risks of childbirth. She says giving in to the tests makes a man lose her, because she is really looking for boundaries.
- •Sadia says testing is evolutionary, since women need a partner who can endure storms
- •Women test for faithfulness, financial stability and boundaries
- •When a man gives in, a woman concludes he isn't strong enough
- •Examples include pushing to do whatever she wants or talking to an ex
- •Sadia says it's like reverse psychology and feels sorry for men
Can You Stay Friends With an Ex While in a New Relationship?
Sadia says a platonic relationship with an ex is possible but may not be respectful to a new partner. She and Lewis discuss whether disliking it signals insecurity and agree it's about boundaries and necessity, apart from co-parenting.
- •Having the ability to stay friends doesn't mean you should if it disrespects your partner
- •Sadia says respecting a new relationship means letting go of relationships that don't serve it
- •Disliking it doesn't necessarily mean insecurity; it can mean prioritizing the relationship
- •Lewis says he wouldn't be insecure but would ask why it's necessary
- •Both say co-parenting is a valid reason
Sadia's Self-Control and the Gap Between Confidence and Self-Esteem
Lewis asks Sadia to rate her self-control and self-esteem. She says her temper holds her self-control at about six, and explains she has confidence in her work but little self-esteem, which she links to growing up as a punching bag.
- •Sadia rates self-control around six or seven because of her temper
- •She says hurting loved ones with her tongue brings shame despite her disciplined habits
- •She distinguishes confidence (ability to get the job done) from self-esteem (feeling she deserves it)
- •She says confidence is the ability to accept rejection and the worst-case scenario
- •Sadia says she can accept the worst case but not the best case
Sleep, Trauma and the Safety of Community
Sadia says she would sleep better if she could accept love, and both discuss their difficulty sleeping. Lewis describes waking up screaming as a child, and Sadia ties sleep to feeling safe, citing the Amish and Jewish communities.
- •Sadia says she'd sleep better if she could receive positive abundance and has to numb herself to sleep
- •Lewis couldn't sleep well for 30 years and says it was a trauma response
- •His sleep improved when he healed his biggest traumas
- •Sadia says people sleep better when they feel protected, citing the Amish
- •Shared responsibility spreads identity and buffers against loneliness and depression
Feeling Alone in Relationships and the Path to Motherhood
Lewis asks how many people feel alone in relationships. Sadia says most do because we put all our needs on one partner, which especially affects new mothers raising children alone. She says she wants to heal her own wounds before becoming a mother.
- •Sadia says majority feel alone because of putting every need on one person, citing Esther Perel
- •Housewives can feel isolated and resent their husbands without community support
- •Individualistic societies have created a fear of sharing responsibility
- •Unhealed wounds lead to overprotecting or neglecting children
- •Sadia says she doesn't want a child to fill an emotional wound
Closing: Where to Find Sadia, Three Truths and Receiving a Compliment
Sadia shares where to follow her, then gives her three truths covering gratitude to God, nurturing children and practicing self-control. Lewis acknowledges her and gives her a compliment-receiving exercise, and she defines greatness.
- •Sadia is on @sadiapsychology and sadiapsychology.com, and offers one-to-ones and Patreon
- •Her three truths: appreciation to God, nurturing family and children, practicing self-control
- •Lewis acknowledges her and asks her to simply say thank you
- •Sadia says her mind starts to doubt compliments and calls it her homework
- •Her definition of greatness is fulfilling your potential and not relying on highs to soothe anxieties

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