Relationship Expert: "This is When You Should Walk AWAY!" | Sadia Khan

1. 0:00 – 1:41

   Intro

   1. SKSadia Khan0:00

      People have this arrogance where they're like, "If I have to communicate, it's not real." In this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff, and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship. Communicating effectively is essential.

   2. LHLewis Howes0:18

      Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world?

   3. SKSadia Khan0:22

      Because we're too insecure to walk away.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:24

      Wow.

   5. SKSadia Khan0:24

      Waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce.

   6. LHLewis Howes0:27

      Oh my gosh.

   7. SKSadia Khan0:27

      When you enter a relationship, a part of that should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the r- new relationship in a way-

   8. LHLewis Howes0:35

      Yeah

   9. SKSadia Khan0:35

      ... that's going to be constructive. Just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship.

   10. LHLewis Howes0:45

       How many people in relationships feel alone in the relationship?

   11. SKSadia Khan0:49

       I would say, um, particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone, and the reason being is-

   12. LHLewis Howes0:58

       I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years, and typically, when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself, they, they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect.

   13. SKSadia Khan1:16

       Yeah. [laughs]

   14. LHLewis Howes1:18

       And, uh, everything was happy and-

   15. SKSadia Khan1:20

       Yeah

   16. LHLewis Howes1:20

       ... safe and comfortable, and life was good.

   17. SKSadia Khan1:23

       Yeah.

   18. LHLewis Howes1:23

       There's usually some challenge, trauma, breakdown at some stage of their life. You know, if they're, maybe they're in a marriage that went one way, they got divorced, and they realize like, "Oh, there was a pattern that I lived," or something happened.

   19. SKSadia Khan1:35

       Mm-hmm.

   20. LHLewis Howes1:35

       "And so I'm gonna go down this path 'cause I had this experience."

   21. SKSadia Khan1:37

       Yeah.

   22. LHLewis Howes1:37

       Whether it was a childhood thing or something like that.

   23. SKSadia Khan1:39

       Uh-huh.

2. 1:41 – 8:19

   Sadia's qualifications

   1. LHLewis Howes1:41

      What do you think makes you so wise around these concepts of relationships? And also, to create context, you're not married, you don't have kids.

   2. SKSadia Khan1:53

      Yeah.

   3. LHLewis Howes1:54

      So there's gonna be people saying, "Well, she doesn't, you know, she's speaking about this, but she hasn't really experienced relationship at this level."

   4. SKSadia Khan2:00

      Yeah. Mm-hmm.

   5. LHLewis Howes2:00

      What makes you qualified to have this wisdom-

   6. SKSadia Khan2:03

      Uh-huh

   7. LHLewis Howes2:03

      ... with where you're at in your life?

   8. SKSadia Khan2:06

      I don't know if it makes me qualified, but I would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature, and I think in my particular case, I faced a lot of neglect, particularly from siblings. I was very much like the middle child, very much neglected, very much by myself. Um, and the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home. I had so many friends, and so many people would gravitate towards me, and then I would go in my home, and my siblings would totally ignore me and act like I don't exist, and I would be spend countless amount of time by myself in my bedroom while they would have a great time, and I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff. And I was automatically kind of in between two worlds. And so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home, and it was causing something in me. I remember feeling like, "I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads, but I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me." So because I had this kind of dichotomy of, like, self-esteem, I then realized how self-sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be. I, in so many relationships, when people would be so lo- And even to this day, like, if somebody compliments me, I find it so difficult to accept a compliment, and I start to dislike the person who's complimenting me.

   9. LHLewis Howes3:28

      Really?

   10. SKSadia Khan3:28

       Absolutely.

   11. LHLewis Howes3:29

       So if I don't wanna be your friend, I'll be nice to you.

   12. SKSadia Khan3:31

       Exact- Oh, my, oh. [laughs]

   13. LHLewis Howes3:33

       [laughs]

   14. SKSadia Khan3:33

       Literally, all my closest, uh-

   15. LHLewis Howes3:34

       I mean, if I don't wanna be your friend-

   16. SKSadia Khan3:35

       Exactly

   17. LHLewis Howes3:36

       ... be nice to you.

   18. SKSadia Khan3:37

       Exactly. The quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments.

   19. LHLewis Howes3:40

       Really?

   20. SKSadia Khan3:40

       Absolutely. All of my closest friends are hypercritical of me, and I keep it that way. They'll say to me, "That looks bad," or, "You look terrible there," or, "You've gained weight." [laughs]

   21. LHLewis Howes3:48

       Well, I think honesty-

   22. SKSadia Khan3:49

       Honesty

   23. LHLewis Howes3:49

       ... and feedback is great.

   24. SKSadia Khan3:50

       Yeah.

   25. LHLewis Howes3:51

       You know, is also a great resource for a friend as opposed to-

   26. SKSadia Khan3:53

       Yeah

   27. LHLewis Howes3:53

       ... over-complimenting something that's not true maybe.

   28. SKSadia Khan3:56

       Yeah.

   29. LHLewis Howes3:56

       So there's some, you know-

   30. SKSadia Khan3:57

       There's some element of-
3. 8:19 – 14:42

   What a healthy partner really wants!

   1. LHLewis Howes8:19

      In a, in a heterosexual relationship-

   2. SKSadia Khan8:22

      Yeah

   3. LHLewis Howes8:22

      ... what is it that men really want versus what women really want? Based on your experience growing up with men and understanding the male brain-

   4. SKSadia Khan8:32

      Yeah

   5. LHLewis Howes8:32

      ... and being a woman, what is it that men really want and that women really want? And if each opposite knew this-

   6. SKSadia Khan8:39

      Uh-huh

   7. LHLewis Howes8:39

      ... they would have a much better relationship.

   8. SKSadia Khan8:41

      I think for men, the ability to be, uh, completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world. What I mean by that is for women, um, my best friend, for example, she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate, or, uh, my other best friend, I know I can s- call her when I'm stressed, sad, whatever it is. I can outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word, because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent, and I have the ability to be myself, vulnerable, happy, sad, whatever it is. For men, in the real world, they have to be a man. They have to wear a bit of a mask. So they have to look like they've got it put together. They have to look like they're in control. They have to look, they have to look, they have to look. So if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated, that, and appreciation for them isn't just a quick thank you. It's also, like, "I know you're tired. I know you're hungry. I know you need to get up early, so I, I'm just turning the, I, putting the kids to bed, I'm just turning the volume off. I know you need to get to bed." That is a form of appreciation for them. So I think if they have a, a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted, it's something that they think they can only dream of. They don't know that that actually exists for them. But do you agree, or do you, like, what do you think for-

   9. LHLewis Howes9:56

      Yeah

   10. SKSadia Khan9:56

       ... from your perspective as a man? I-

   11. LHLewis Howes9:58

       I mean, the, I mean-

   12. SKSadia Khan9:58

       I, I'm really interested

   13. LHLewis Howes9:59

       ... I mean, I think I can speak from my perspective and maybe, like, male friends that I talk to-

   14. SKSadia Khan10:03

       Mm-hmm

   15. LHLewis Howes10:03

       ... who are, um, you know, business owners who have, you know, multiple responsibilities beyond themself, um, and they have lots of employees or s- something like that-

   16. SKSadia Khan10:13

       Yeah

   17. LHLewis Howes10:13

       ... or a brand or something, is that there is a weight. There is a weight that these men feel, and that I feel at times. And I'm not saying, "Oh, woe is me, I have a weight," or something. It's just you've gotta show up responsible for people m- more than just yourself. You've gotta show up and deliver, not once in a while, but every single day.

   18. SKSadia Khan10:34

       Yeah.

   19. LHLewis Howes10:35

       And I welcome the responsibility. I'm blessed to have the opportunity-

   20. SKSadia Khan10:40

       Praise be to God, yeah

   21. LHLewis Howes10:40

       ... and the responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that, uh, you know, has been gi- provided for me. I'm blessed, and that's why I train myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to take it on where it feels light.

   22. SKSadia Khan11:01

       Yeah.

   23. LHLewis Howes11:01

       So that it doesn't weigh me down. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging.

   24. SKSadia Khan11:07

       Yeah.

   25. LHLewis Howes11:07

       And just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest currency.

   26. SKSadia Khan11:16

       Mm-hmm. And what does peace-

   27. LHLewis Howes11:17

       Feeling accepted and, and having a sense of peace.

   28. SKSadia Khan11:20

       Yeah, and what would that look like for you, from you?

   29. LHLewis Howes11:22

       I mean, I get it almost every night, so I feel-

   30. SKSadia Khan11:24

       Ah
4. 14:42 – 15:59

   What women want

   1. LHLewis Howes14:42

      So what is it that if a man truly knew what a woman wanted they would have a happier, healthier relationship?

   2. SKSadia Khan14:49

      Uh, it's difficult because, uh, it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who's healed and not so chaotic, essentially what they want is to be, uh, be protected in a way that nobody else can. And what I mean by protected, it can be financial, emotional, whatever it is, but it's a way ... If I'm protecting my woman emotionally, I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her. If I'm protecting her financially, it means I'm d- giving her my best. Doesn't mean I'm g- giving her everything, but the best I can do. If I'm a taxi driver, I'm, you know, covering what I can cover. But if I'm somebody who's frugal with her, she will always feel like, um, she, she's more powerful than you. And whenever she feels like he's not protecting, she feels more powerful, and then she becomes disrespectful. But when she has a man that's protective of, uh, of her, both her safety, her emotions, her finances, she then keeps ... Allows him to take control. And whenever we feel more powerful than a man, we feel unsafe, and that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men.

   3. LHLewis Howes15:52

      Wow.

   4. SKSadia Khan15:53

      It's almost evolved. So therefore, if he can protect us in those ways, we, we remain feeling safe. So it's

5. 15:59 – 19:40

   How to make a woman feel safe

   1. SKSadia Khan15:59

      essential.

   2. LHLewis Howes15:59

      So what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with?

   3. SKSadia Khan16:04

      I would say that showing, uh, a complete disregard for her emotional wellbeing. And that doesn't have to be sleeping. It doesn't have to go that far, to sleeping with other women. It might be as simple as not replying to her messages or, you know, beha- behaving online, like liking v... I know it sounds so bizarre, but you'd be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching whose pictures he's liking and commenting and saving. It's such a simple thing from a man, but from a woman's perspective it almost ignites her fight or flight response. Isn't that wei- is that weird to a man?

   4. LHLewis Howes16:38

      Um-

   5. SKSadia Khan16:38

      Or is that more for insecure women?

   6. LHLewis Howes16:39

      I think to a conscious man it makes sense.

   7. SKSadia Khan16:41

      Yeah.

   8. LHLewis Howes16:41

      That you're like, "Okay, would I like her doing this?" Maybe you wouldn't, but I m- maybe it wouldn't matter. Like-

   9. SKSadia Khan16:47

      Mm-hmm

   10. LHLewis Howes16:48

       ... for me, it doesn't, it doesn't really matter what she does to be honest.

   11. SKSadia Khan16:51

       Yeah, because you've established that trust.

   12. LHLewis Howes16:53

       Yeah. And, um, and if we haven't created an agreement on something-

   13. SKSadia Khan16:59

       Yeah

   14. LHLewis Howes16:59

       ... then she's gonna do what she wants to do.

   15. SKSadia Khan17:00

       Yeah.

   16. LHLewis Howes17:00

       And then I would just acknowledge and say, "Hey, I don't really like this."

   17. SKSadia Khan17:03

       Mm-hmm.

   18. LHLewis Howes17:03

       "Can we, can we make an agreement on this?"

   19. SKSadia Khan17:04

       Yeah.

   20. LHLewis Howes17:05

       And if ... And we'll figure out what that is. And then cool, we've created a new dynamic, right?

   21. SKSadia Khan17:09

       Mm-hmm.

   22. LHLewis Howes17:09

       But, but I also just feel confident with who I am.

   23. SKSadia Khan17:12

       Yeah.

   24. LHLewis Howes17:12

       And so if she's off doing something, which she never has, and I don't think she would ever do it.

   25. SKSadia Khan17:17

       Yeah.

   26. LHLewis Howes17:17

       But if she's off doing something, and I f- I would find out eventually, I'm gonna say, "Okay. Well, that's unfortunate, but I guess this isn't the right fit," or, "We need to figure out how to mend this."

   27. SKSadia Khan17:26

       Yeah.

   28. LHLewis Howes17:26

       Or, "I'll be okay."

   29. SKSadia Khan17:28

       Yeah.

   30. LHLewis Howes17:28

       "If you wanna go live this life, that's fine."
6. 19:40 – 24:12

   Do people change?

   1. LHLewis Howes19:40

      Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world?

   2. SKSadia Khan19:44

      Because we're too insecure to walk away.

   3. LHLewis Howes19:46

      Wow.

   4. SKSadia Khan19:47

      Yeah.

   5. LHLewis Howes19:47

      Yeah.

   6. SKSadia Khan19:47

      When we develop the willingness to walk away, we actually love people for who they are. You know, "You know what? You're always out in the club all day every day. I actually like that you're really lively and extroverted, but it doesn't work for me." But when I'm insecure it's like, "Please be something else because I can't walk away from this. I can't find anybody else." So I'm always holding them by the throat and begging them to be a better person because I don't have the strength to know when to walk away.

   7. LHLewis Howes20:10

      Wow.

   8. SKSadia Khan20:11

      So that's when we force people.

   9. LHLewis Howes20:11

      I've been both of those in the past.

   10. SKSadia Khan20:12

       I've been, yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

   11. LHLewis Howes20:14

       Yeah.

   12. SKSadia Khan20:14

       And it's b- it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says, "It's okay."

   13. LHLewis Howes20:18

       Yeah.

   14. SKSadia Khan20:18

       "You be you."

   15. LHLewis Howes20:18

       We don't need to be together.

   16. SKSadia Khan20:19

       It's okay, and there's other humans in the world.

   17. LHLewis Howes20:22

       Exactly.

   18. SKSadia Khan20:22

       So you can keep it moving, and that's what the, the boundary is between a secure and insecure man or woman. Yeah, and waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce.

   19. LHLewis Howes20:32

       Oh, my gosh. Here is a bonus relationship tip thanks to our sponsor, ReGain, a couples therapy option offered by BetterHelp.

   20. SKSadia Khan20:40

       What's the question that's at your heart in terms of setting up intimate relationships for success?

   21. LHLewis Howes20:46

       Um, I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha, my, my girlfriend, which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before.

   22. SKSadia Khan20:55

       Yeah.

   23. LHLewis Howes20:55

       But the thing that really made me say, "Oh, this is, this is my partner," right? "And I can really feel safe emotionally, spiritually, physically safe with this person," is early on I said, "Listen, um, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships, um, and none of my past relationships have worked. But in each one of them I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working."

   24. SKSadia Khan21:23

       Right.

   25. LHLewis Howes21:23

       "And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me."

   26. SKSadia Khan21:26

       Right.

   27. LHLewis Howes21:26

       They were resistant. They-

   28. SKSadia Khan21:28

       Yep.

   29. LHLewis Howes21:28

       It took a year and a half, two years of, like, it not working and me saying, "Hey, can we do this and find support?"

   30. SKSadia Khan21:34

       Yeah.
7. 24:12 – 26:20

   Why women settle

   1. SKSadia Khan24:12

      Yeah.

   2. LHLewis Howes24:13

      Why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man?

   3. SKSadia Khan24:18

      I think what happens is the biological pressure to become i- it's something we can't escape. And I think no matter how many holidays we can kid ourselves with, and how many career opportunities, and how many alternatives, uh, there's a biological thing that kicks in with women at late 20s even. It doesn't have to wait till ... People think it happens really late. It doesn't. It happens quite early on, th- where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like. To ease their anxiety, even if they're not gonna have kids today, to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother, they just wanna settle down. They just wanna get, tick that box. And, um, in the process of kind of com- uh, submitting to the evolutionary pressures and societal pressures, they overlook the red flags.

   4. LHLewis Howes24:59

      Ugh.

   5. SKSadia Khan24:59

      And sometimes it's not the man that's the issue. They knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage. They know themselves they're not very good at conflict, or they know, they know themselves they're still attached to an ex. But the pressure to settle down, uh, that they apply on themselves and their body kind of calls for, causes them to walk down the aisle knowing what the result will be.

   6. LHLewis Howes25:18

      Man.

   7. SKSadia Khan25:18

      Sad. Do men have that too?

   8. LHLewis Howes25:20

      I don't ask men that question as much. I-

   9. SKSadia Khan25:22

      What I've-

   10. LHLewis Howes25:22

       I'm not gonna lie

   11. SKSadia Khan25:23

       ... found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person. But usually because these men, they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage, those men that walk down the aisle knowing it's not the right person, they tend to be like, "It's not the right person, but I'm okay with settling down and I, I accept the bland, m- uh, reality of marriage." They've ex- they've succumbed to it. But with women who know, they will eventually go in t- like w- ask for the divorce. Men are happy to stay married, even if they're not madly in love or not madly happy, if they're that kinda guy.

   12. LHLewis Howes25:55

       Who files for divorce more, men or women?

   13. SKSadia Khan25:57

       Women, yeah. But a lot-

   14. LHLewis Howes25:59

       Why is that?

   15. SKSadia Khan25:59

       ... a lot of the time it's a cry for help. Uh, there's been so many times where women say to me, it's like, "Oh, I told him I want a divorce, but hoping he'd come back for me, but he let me pack my bags." And so sometimes they c- they, um, file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing their partner. And if they're with quite a healthy partner, they'll take your word as gospel-

   16. LHLewis Howes26:19

       Right

   17. SKSadia Khan26:19

       ... and they think you

8. 26:20 – 28:18

   Why women test men

   1. SKSadia Khan26:20

      mean it.

   2. LHLewis Howes26:20

      Why do so many women try to test their man constantly?

   3. SKSadia Khan26:24

      Uh, it's an evolutionary thing. It's an evolutionary thing, because here's the reality. We are designed to have children with men, and childbirth is potentially fatal. We, we die from childbirth if we were left in, you know, our natural habitat. Um, so to put that, uh, uh, risk onto a relationship, he better be able to endure all types of storms.

   4. LHLewis Howes26:45

      Oh, yeah.

   5. SKSadia Khan26:46

      So we have to test them. So we have-

   6. LHLewis Howes26:48

      [laughs]

   7. SKSadia Khan26:49

      ... to unfortunately test them. We have to test are they gonna be faithful, are they gonna be, uh, financially stable, are they gonna be able to, um, uh, uh, ca- like have their own boundaries. We push, we push, we push. Now the problem is, unfortunately for men, is when we push you and you succumb to us, you automatically lose us. We, what we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give into this, because if I, if you do, then I know you're not strong enough.

   8. LHLewis Howes27:15

      Oh my God. Give me an example. What's a-

   9. SKSadia Khan27:16

      So it might be-

   10. LHLewis Howes27:17

       ... common example?

   11. SKSadia Khan27:17

       It might be something like I push a man to say, "I'm gonna come home when I want. I better, I'm gonna come home and do what I want with the girls wherever. I'm gonna come on girls trips. I'm gonna do whatever I want." Push you, push you, push you. And then when you actually give in and say okay, essentially she feels like she's not being protected, so she feels like nobody's governing her or-

   12. LHLewis Howes27:35

       You don't have a spine. You know, you're not, you're not-

   13. SKSadia Khan27:37

       You're not responding. You're not re- you're not responsible. Or she might say, "I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend," And you say, "I don't feel comfortable with that." She went, "No, you have to, I have to, have to." Fine, he accepts it. Essentially she's saying that you don't mind cuckoldry.

   14. LHLewis Howes27:50

       Wow.

   15. SKSadia Khan27:50

       You don't mind if I have an affair. Bye. So essentially what we're begging for is sometimes is the boundary, not the se- and not the kind of, uh, we're not looking for you to bow down.

   16. LHLewis Howes28:00

       Wow. How-

   17. SKSadia Khan28:01

       So hard for men to figure that out-

   18. LHLewis Howes28:03

       Man. Right, right

   19. SKSadia Khan28:03

       ... though. I mean, I, I feel so bad for men.

   20. LHLewis Howes28:05

       So funny.

   21. SKSadia Khan28:05

       It's like, uh, reverse psychology all the time unfortunately.

   22. LHLewis Howes28:08

       Outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their exes to co-parent-

   23. SKSadia Khan28:16

       Yeah, to co-parent. Yeah

   24. LHLewis Howes28:16

       ...

9. 28:18 – 31:04

   Staying friends after a breakup

   1. LHLewis Howes28:18

      do you think it's possible for a man or a woman to speak to an ex-partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and not, and it not be an issue?

   2. SKSadia Khan28:30

      I think it's definitely possible, but it's not necessarily respectful. Here's the thing. It's definitely possible. Two people can move past it, and they're not into each other, and whatever it is, but it's not respectful to your new connection. So you have to choose whether just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship or my current partner. Now, if your partner's okay with it, maybe that's different, but I, I just think you should be self-regulated enough to know where your values are based. And when you enter a relationship, a part of that, part, it should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the r- new relationship in a way that's-

   3. LHLewis Howes29:09

      Yeah

   4. SKSadia Khan29:09

      ... going to be constructive. What do you think?

   5. LHLewis Howes29:10

      Exactly. I think that's right. Yeah, I was gonna ask you, do you think it's, do you think a man or a woman who is not liking if their partner is speaking to their ex relationship, does that mean they are jealous and insecure, or actually they have self-esteem?

   6. SKSadia Khan29:25

      I think it's that element of boundaries. I think it's just a case of I think we naturally desire partners who are self-regulated. We naturally want a partner that says, "Oh, I'm in a relationship now. I love you and I care for you, but I'm in a relationship and I don't want it to affect my new partner." So we naturally want somebody who has that. Now, if we are asking for them to have that, and it, it doesn't necessarily mean insecure, it just means that you prioritize the relationship over other relationships that should really be a priority. In a former relationship, outside of children, with children it's really important, and it's really important to have a healthy relationship. But outside of children, um, it doesn't me- have to trigger jealousy, but it would be nice if your partner respected things without you having to voice them.

   7. LHLewis Howes30:08

      Sure. Sure.

   8. SKSadia Khan30:08

      Yeah. Would you be okay with somebody speaking to an ex or?

   9. LHLewis Howes30:11

      I wouldn't like it.

   10. SKSadia Khan30:12

       Yeah.

   11. LHLewis Howes30:13

       No, I, it doesn't mean I, I would feel like, "Okay, you, you spoke to your ex," like, "Why?"

   12. SKSadia Khan30:19

       Yeah.

   13. LHLewis Howes30:19

       I would say, "Why do you need to?"

   14. SKSadia Khan30:21

       Doesn't mean they're gonna have an affair.

   15. LHLewis Howes30:22

       I wouldn't be insecure about it.

   16. SKSadia Khan30:23

       No, no.

   17. LHLewis Howes30:24

       I'd be like, "Talk to whoever you want to."

   18. SKSadia Khan30:25

       Yeah.

   19. LHLewis Howes30:25

       "Honest, it's not gonna make me insecure as a human because if you wanna be with your ex, then go be with them."

   20. SKSadia Khan30:30

       Yeah.

   21. LHLewis Howes30:31

       "Don't be with me."

   22. SKSadia Khan30:31

       Yeah.

   23. LHLewis Howes30:32

       But I would just be like, "Why, why is this necessary?" So if there was, it was for the, you know, they had kids together, that's the only thing-

   24. SKSadia Khan30:38

       Absolutely

   25. LHLewis Howes30:38

       ... that makes sense. But if you just wanna hang out and talk to them, I go, "That doesn't work for me."

   26. SKSadia Khan30:42

       It doesn't make any sense.

   27. LHLewis Howes30:43

       It doesn't work for me.

   28. SKSadia Khan30:44

       Yeah.

   29. LHLewis Howes30:45

       Um, and I just wouldn't understand it.

   30. SKSadia Khan30:46

       And it's not necessary. If things are necessary, it makes total sense. But it's-
10. 31:04 – 34:25

    Sadia's own self control

    1. LHLewis Howes31:04

       On a scale of one to 10 for you personally-

    2. SKSadia Khan31:06

       Mm-hmm

    3. LHLewis Howes31:07

       ... 10 being high-

    4. SKSadia Khan31:09

       Yeah

    5. LHLewis Howes31:10

       ... and one being low-

    6. SKSadia Khan31:11

       Yeah

    7. LHLewis Howes31:11

       ... where are you on self-control and personal self-esteem?

    8. SKSadia Khan31:16

       I would say about a six. I'm not as high as I would like to be.

    9. LHLewis Howes31:20

       On what? Self-control?

    10. SKSadia Khan31:21

        Self-control. I've got lo- I never drink, and I don't overeat, and I d- I go to the gym and stuff like that, but my, here's the thing, my self-control goes out the window during, when I'm angry.

    11. LHLewis Howes31:30

        [laughs] Oh, God.

    12. SKSadia Khan31:31

        I have to, this is the thing. So in all my-

    13. LHLewis Howes31:33

        What happens when you're angry?

    14. SKSadia Khan31:34

        Oh, I, I, I-

    15. LHLewis Howes31:34

        When you're triggered-

    16. SKSadia Khan31:35

        When I'm triggered-

    17. LHLewis Howes31:35

        ... and the lo- the lioness comes out

    18. SKSadia Khan31:37

        Yeah

    19. LHLewis Howes31:37

        ... what happens?

    20. SKSadia Khan31:38

        I'm mean.

    21. LHLewis Howes31:39

        Mm.

    22. SKSadia Khan31:39

        And so the thing is, all of the, the thing is, I pray five times, I'll fast in Ramadan, I don't really swear, I don't watch pornography, I don't, all of these things are great, but the thing is, those are really self, like my s- uh, what I do for myself. But when I get angry, I hurt the people I love the most, and therefore, I can't say my self-esteem and my self-control is high, and as a result, I can't say my self-esteem is high because nothing hurts me more than hurting the people I love. So it's almost like a paradox, but because of my temper, it's gotten better. It, it gets better. I think I'm just, you know, lost energy and like, uh-

    23. LHLewis Howes32:12

        [laughs]

    24. SKSadia Khan32:12

        ... over the years. But, um, when you hurt people because you can't control your tongue, um, you go back feeling loads of shame and guilt.

    25. LHLewis Howes32:21

        Afterwards you feel bad the next day.

    26. SKSadia Khan32:22

        Absolutely.

    27. LHLewis Howes32:23

        Yeah.

    28. SKSadia Khan32:23

        Whereas when you hold your tongue, there's no shame and guilt. Zero. So even on a spiritual level, on a religious level, on an emotional level, when you can't control your tongue, what good is it that you can get to the gym at 5:00 AM? What good is it that you can avoid carbs for a week if you're hurting people with your tongue? And especially when, uh, this is the problem, when you're like a bit of a, you know, a speaker and a, you know, eloquent speaker or whatever it is, you're equally eloquent when you're being horrible.

    29. LHLewis Howes32:48

        Oh.

    30. SKSadia Khan32:48

        So you're literally-
11. 34:25 – 36:09

    Keeping confidence when times are hard

    1. LHLewis Howes34:25

       how do you have confidence in putting something out if you know people are gonna see it, though?

    2. SKSadia Khan34:32

       Yeah.

    3. LHLewis Howes34:32

       You know, how do you, you know, when you know-

    4. SKSadia Khan34:33

       Oh, I agree

    5. LHLewis Howes34:33

       ... people are gonna see it-

    6. SKSadia Khan34:34

       You know-

    7. LHLewis Howes34:34

       ... and they're gonna comment on it, and they're gonna give critique, good or bad or in between-

    8. SKSadia Khan34:37

       Good or bad, yeah. So much hate

    9. LHLewis Howes34:38

       ... how do you, how do you have the confidence to put it out there if you lack the self-esteem to receive whatever comes back?

    10. SKSadia Khan34:42

        I think it's just growing up as a punching bag that you're almost prepared for negativity. I think that's what it did. It created me such a thick skin that it's not that I'm posting because I think I'm so great. It's I'm posting because I can handle the hate, and weirdly, I get so much hate, and it's not weirdly. Understandably, I get so much hate. Um, and considering I'm relatively like, I'm not out here like trying to like kill your dog. I'm just literally-

    11. LHLewis Howes35:06

        No, right

    12. SKSadia Khan35:06

        ... trying to help. But I get such a disproportionate amount of hate for considering my line of work. Uh, and it's because it's al- I'm almost ready for it, and I'm almost ready for that because I've always received a lot of criticism and a lot of hate, not just with sisters, just in general, with women in general throughout my life. So because I've always received that, I have the conf- because here's the thing, confidence isn't necessarily how great you think you are at something. It's your ability to accept the, uh, rejection. So because I have zero concern that you're gonna be offended or you're gonna be hurt or you're gonna upset me, that's what pushes me to do it. Not but it's, it, like it, it's okay for me. So it's a bit like if I cook something and you didn't love it, I'm okay with that. That makes me confident. Not because, not just because all the positive, but I can accept the worst case scenario. Because I can accept worst case scenario or the hate or this, that, and the other, that's why I have confidence.

    13. LHLewis Howes35:53

        Wow.

    14. SKSadia Khan35:53

        But self-esteem doesn't really come from that.

    15. LHLewis Howes35:55

        It's like you can accept the worst case scenario, but you can't accept the best case.

    16. SKSadia Khan35:59

        Absolutely not. Isn't that so weird?

    17. LHLewis Howes36:00

        But you have the confidence to put out stuff consistently.

    18. SKSadia Khan36:03

        Such a weirdo. [laughs]

    19. LHLewis Howes36:04

        That's an interesting dynamic.

    20. SKSadia Khan36:06

        Such a weirdo, right? It doesn't, none of it makes sense.

    21. LHLewis Howes36:08

        Sadia,

12. 36:09 – 41:09

    Life-changing mindset

    1. LHLewis Howes36:09

       what would life be like if you were able to receive all the positive abundance that comes your way? Love- Affirmations, generosity, kindness, compliments. What would life feel like if you could truly receive it?

    2. SKSadia Khan36:22

       I would sleep better. I think that's the main thing. I would sleep a lot better. I think I constantly have, like, micro-awakenings because I'm very good at kind of brushing away the anxiety, but your body keeps score of everything, and the amount, the way I kinda sleep, um, is always a signal that you're not at peace, and you haven't accepted the love that's ever been directed towards you. You almost push it away, and you hone in on the negative, and you sabotage the love in some way, shape, or form, and I think if I accepted it in the right way, I would sleep a lot better. Yeah.

    3. LHLewis Howes36:54

       How do you, how do you sleep right now?

    4. SKSadia Khan36:55

       Terribly. Yeah. I love it in LA because I've got jet lag, so I'm, for some reason, I'm asleep at 8:00 PM and waking up at 4:00 AM, but in the real world, I have to numb myself into sleep.

    5. LHLewis Howes37:06

       Really?

    6. SKSadia Khan37:06

       So I have to watch something that will distract me from my thoughts. I have to, I, I can't be alone with myself, so I have to keep n- noise on. I have to watch something. I have to distract my- trick myself into falling asleep. But just a gentle rest will never come to me. Isn't that weird?

    7. LHLewis Howes37:21

       No, it's not weird.

    8. SKSadia Khan37:21

       How do you, how do you sleep?

    9. LHLewis Howes37:21

       Because for 30 years, I couldn't sleep.

    10. SKSadia Khan37:24

        What did you do instead?

    11. LHLewis Howes37:25

        And I think it's, it's a trauma response to-

    12. SKSadia Khan37:27

        Really?

    13. LHLewis Howes37:28

        ... to feeling like something's-

    14. SKSadia Khan37:29

        Unsafe

    15. LHLewis Howes37:29

        ... gonna happen. Yeah, unsafe.

    16. SKSadia Khan37:31

        Yeah.

    17. LHLewis Howes37:31

        Like-

    18. SKSadia Khan37:32

        They did a study-

    19. LHLewis Howes37:32

        I used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, crying at the top of my lungs, uh, until my mom would come in. Probably till I was, like, nine or 10.

    20. SKSadia Khan37:39

        And what was it, dreams or, like, that would make you, like-

    21. LHLewis Howes37:42

        Um, I think my nervous system was so on high alert from not feeling emotionally safe, or physically safe in some ways. Not necessarily 'cause I felt like my parents were gonna do something to me, but I just didn't ... When you're emotionally unsafe, you typically are physically feel, your body feels unsafe.

    22. SKSadia Khan37:59

        Your body, you can't trick it.

    23. LHLewis Howes38:00

        You're not like, "Okay, I'm, I'm not worried about what's around, my surroundings." You're always kinda, like, looking around and being like, "What is that? What is that?" You know?

    24. SKSadia Khan38:07

        Oh, yeah.

    25. LHLewis Howes38:07

        And so w- I j- it would take me a while to go to sleep, right? An hour and a half a night. I would lay there or try to sleep. I couldn't do it, and I would just be ruminating on my thoughts, fears, insecurities, doubts, traumas, and, um, and I would just wake up screaming.

    26. SKSadia Khan38:23

        Wow. How old were you when that would happen?

    27. LHLewis Howes38:24

        Yeah, from five to probably nine or 10.

    28. SKSadia Khan38:26

        So big enough to, like, not be screaming, but like-

    29. LHLewis Howes38:28

        Yeah.

    30. SKSadia Khan38:29

        Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
13. 41:09 – 43:17

    Feeling alone? Watch this

    1. LHLewis Howes41:09

       you think, how many people in relationships do you feel like they feel alone in the relationship?

    2. SKSadia Khan41:15

       I would say, um, particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone, and the reason being is, and Esther Perel really highlights this well, is that we've got all of our needs, like our social, emotional, cognitive, all of this, we're putting it all on one person. And when they can't fill all those needs, we start to feel alone. Whereas before, we would have a community, which spread all of those needs across different people, and as a result, we wouldn't blame our partner for our lonely kind of, uh, uh, uh, experiences.

    3. LHLewis Howes41:43

       Mm.

    4. SKSadia Khan41:44

       So I think, and I notice this particularly with housewives in, uh, in Western communities. What happens with housewives is because they're feeling under kind of, uh, they haven't fulfilled their potential completely in their mind, I'm not saying that they haven't, but in their mind, they feel lonely. They feel super lonely because they almost feel like they're a slave to the child for the first couple of years. And whereas before in our mom's generation and their generations, there'd be so many other moms, there'd be so many stay-at-home moms, so many aunts, uncle, everybody would be close by, that child-rearing wasn't so difficult. Now you have to do it totally alone. So they end up finding it really difficult, and they feel really lonely, and they resent their husband as a result. Because they need to share it with somebody, and he's usually gone to work or done something. So they end up res- and it causes a lot of rift.

    5. LHLewis Howes42:26

       Why do you think, uh, new moms Like to do it alone versus do it with support

    6. SKSadia Khan42:33

       Um

    7. LHLewis Howes42:34

       Parenting

    8. SKSadia Khan42:34

       The, um, because we've created individualistic societies, what's happened is we don't trust people anymore. We see people as predators, whereas in other societies, they literally share breastfeeding. They're like, "Give me your baby, put it on the..." And they, they do stuff like that. They raise them, they pay for them, they do everything. So we've almost created a fear of connection. We're fr- a fear of sharing responsibility, a fe- and, uh, uh, understandably, because the world's a bit of a messy place. So because what happens is they wanna take sole responsibility, but then they're overburdened, and then they're angry as a result, so it's a really tricky scenario for them. Yeah.

    9. LHLewis Howes43:08

       Knowing what you know-

    10. SKSadia Khan43:09

        Mm-hmm

    11. LHLewis Howes43:10

        ... and what you've studied, and what you've heard from men and women-

    12. SKSadia Khan43:12

        Yeah

    13. LHLewis Howes43:13

        ... in relationships, and what you've heard from moms, even though you're not a mom yet-

    14. SKSadia Khan43:15

        Yeah

14. 43:17 – 44:25

    Responsibility in relationships

    1. LHLewis Howes43:18

       ... what is it that you think you need to take responsibility for to set yourself up for a healthy, conscious love with a, with a partner, but also as a mom, so you're not resentful, you're not lonely, you're not angry at your partner? What do you think you get to work on for yourself?

    2. SKSadia Khan43:36

       I think in order to be that mom that's present and able to soothe that child, you have to ensure that there are no wounds within yourself that you're going to project onto that child or require your husband to fill for you. Um, when you've still got these unmet wounds, what will happen is you'll either mollycoddle and over kind of attach or smother-

    3. LHLewis Howes43:56

       Overprotect or what?

    4. SKSadia Khan43:56

       Overprotect. Overprotect, not allow them to experience emotion, project your fears onto them, and say, "Oh, no, don't touch this, don't do that, everything's scary," or you will, uh, neglect, one or the other, and both of them are equally damaging. You're either passing on anxiety, or you're passing on avoidance and, you know, distance. So I think until you heal those wounds, as much as you might wanna be a mom, myself included, it's better to reserve it to a time where you can do that child justice, because we almost can't redo their childhood.

15. 44:25 – 50:33

    What's holding you back in relationship

    1. LHLewis Howes44:25

       What's the part of you that feels like there's something that I'm still holding onto, I get to heal, I get to transform, I get to process, so that you can step into motherhood one day-

    2. SKSadia Khan44:35

       Yeah

    3. LHLewis Howes44:35

       ... of being, you know, the best mom you can be?

    4. SKSadia Khan44:38

       God willing. I think when I am around children, what I learn why I love them so, so much, it's the only environment where I don't feel judged. Because children don't really judge you, they just kinda like use you a bit and cute-

    5. LHLewis Howes44:51

       They just play and have fun, yeah

    6. SKSadia Khan44:51

       ... they just play and stuff. And I remember being around 21 years old and going to, like, a kid's party, and just l- having the time of my life with these four-year-olds, and they must have thought I was like some kind of, uh, I need to be on a register of some sort, because I was just so obsessed with them. But because I've always felt so judged and rejected, I always felt almost, uh, really at home with children, really loved and, uh, at home with children, and I didn't want to kind of make that the responsibility of having a child, for me to feel cushioned, and for me to feel at home, and for me to feel like I've got an insurance policy for, I've got an emotional connection for the rest of my life. So I think now that I've been out into the real world, I think in a way it's been really healing, 'cause I've learnt that I actually am maybe not as bad as I think I am, and I'm not as hated as I think. I'm actually really appreciated, and therefore, I don't need to rely on this child to heal a wound that they didn't create.

    7. LHLewis Howes45:44

       Interesting.

    8. SKSadia Khan45:45

       God willing.

    9. LHLewis Howes45:45

       Right.

    10. SKSadia Khan45:46

        [laughs] God- if I become a mom, God willing. [laughs]

    11. LHLewis Howes45:49

        This has been really inspiring, Sadia. I'm grateful for your, your, your conversation.

    12. SKSadia Khan45:53

        No, and I'm, like I said to you earlier, I'm so grateful that you've provided society with an alternative to Netflix, an alternative to TV. It's just so impressive, and you're doing such a service to so many people by providing them an alternative, so I really, really appreciate this opportunity.

    13. LHLewis Howes46:08

        I, I appreciate it.

    14. SKSadia Khan46:09

        Yeah.

    15. LHLewis Howes46:09

        Yeah, we, you know, we've got a great team that's doing a lot of the effort and the work behind the scenes to make this possible, and, um, yeah, this is, this has been inspiring. How can we be of service to you today?

    16. SKSadia Khan46:20

        [laughs]

    17. LHLewis Howes46:20

        How can we support you? Where can we follow you?

    18. SKSadia Khan46:23

        Yeah.

    19. LHLewis Howes46:24

        Where would we like to direct people more about, if they're loving this conversation-

    20. SKSadia Khan46:28

        [laughs]

    21. LHLewis Howes46:28

        ... how can they get more from you?

    22. SKSadia Khan46:29

        Um, I still do one-to-one, so, uh, @sadiapsychology on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. Still do one-to-ones. I also have a Patreon if you have a quick question you wanna ask me, I'm a- always available, and I put all of my extended content on there. And yeah, you can just pretty much see me on most people's TikTok feeds, unfortunately.

    23. LHLewis Howes46:48

        [laughs]

    24. SKSadia Khan46:48

        I'm so, so sorry. I keep popping up. Even I get annoyed. I see my face, and I'm like, "Oh, God, go away." So I do apologize. I happen to be everywhere, but unfortunately, you'll probably see me in most places. [laughs]

    25. LHLewis Howes46:58

        No, that's great. You should be everywhere.

    26. SKSadia Khan46:59

        Unfortunately.

    27. LHLewis Howes47:00

        Yeah, that's great.

    28. SKSadia Khan47:01

        So, yeah, so thank you again so much for the opportunity.

    29. LHLewis Howes47:03

        Of course.

    30. SKSadia Khan47:04

        Mm-hmm.

Episode duration: 50:33