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Lewis HowesThis Is Why You FEEL LOST, LAZY & UNMOTIVATED In Life... | Brené Brown
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Chapter summaries
Feeling Alone Despite Success and Belonging to Yourself
Lewis shares his own childhood loneliness and the lasting effect of formative moments. Brené says that absent love and belonging there is suffering, that she still feels lonely often, and that what changed things is that she belongs to herself.
- •Lewis describes feeling alone and not belonging for most of his life
- •Brené says her research shows that without love and belonging there is always suffering
- •Belonging means being part of something bigger and having the courage to stand alone
- •Not making the drill team, and her family's response, was defining for her
- •She says she belongs to herself, maybe for the first time in her life
Fitting In vs. Belonging and Knowing Who You Are
Brené explains the research finding that fitting in is the opposite of belonging, because it requires changing who you are. They discuss how hard it is to know yourself, her own paradoxes, and Lewis's efforts not to be defined by others' expectations.
- •Fitting in means assessing a group and changing yourself, while true belonging demands you be who you are
- •Lewis describes staying quiet around bullying on teams out of fear of being alone
- •Brené calls herself complex because of paradoxes like being an introvert who speaks publicly
- •Lewis broke expectations by skipping alcohol, doing the school musical and dancing salsa
- •You can lose yourself in fitting in and in rebelling against it
Maya Angelou's Quote and the Danger of Adapting to Be Liked
Brené discusses the Maya Angelou quote that opens her book and why she first disliked it. She describes how adaptability becomes self-betrayal when its goal is making people like her, using her business-class seatmates as an example.
- •The book opens with Maya Angelou's line about never being free until we belong nowhere
- •Brené says she belongs everywhere as long as she never betrays herself
- •Becoming who others want in order to fit in is the moment you no longer belong anywhere
- •She can be a chameleon, such as talking sports or politics with strangers on flights
- •Adapting becomes betrayal when the intention is to make sure people like you
High School, Family Culture, and Her Parents' Growth
Asked when she felt most alone, Brené points to high school and contrasts it with her daughter's experience, helped by a home rule that you always belong. She describes her tough, no-vulnerability upbringing and her parents' willingness to keep learning, including a funny story about her father and choice theory.
- •Brené says high school was the loneliest time, and cool was the top value at home
- •Her family has a rule that no matter what, you belong here
- •Her family motto was lock and load, and they were taught to outrun vulnerability
- •Her parents did what they could with the tools they had and kept growing
- •Her father's attempt at choice theory with her daughter is a funny example of this
Parenting, Shame, and Raising Kids Who Ask for Help
Lewis asks how parents can become aware and open to doing things differently. Brené says most parents are doing their best, that people defend their parenting like they're defending their lives, and that a good outcome is raising kids who ask for help. She shares a story of a man who learned to turn fear into rage.
- •Brené believes 99.9% of parents do the best they can with what they have
- •Parenting is a shame minefield, so people defend it fiercely
- •Fathers she interviewed said they shamed sons for being vulnerable
- •The goal is to raise kids who will ask for help when they need it
- •A man's coach shamed his fear, and he spent 20 years turning fear into rage
Lewis's Dodgeball Vow and Men's Struggle with Vulnerability
Lewis recounts being picked last in dodgeball and vowing never again, which fueled athletic success but left him unfulfilled and taking losses personally. He asks how men can stand alone and communicate when vulnerability is mocked as weak.
- •Being picked last drove Lewis to dominate in sports
- •Achievements left him unfulfilled and losses felt like threats to his worth
- •He took out his pain on family, girlfriends and friends
- •Men are taught that vulnerability is soft or weak
- •Lewis asks how men can communicate better and feel it's okay to be vulnerable
Vulnerability Is Courage: Brené's Question to Leaders
Brené says men increasingly engage with her work and explains how she reframes vulnerability for leaders. She defines it as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure, and says no one has ever named an act of courage without it.
- •About half of Daring Greatly's readers are men, and most leaders who hire her are men
- •Vulnerability is defined as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure
- •No Navy SEAL or soldier has given an example of courage without vulnerability
- •The greatest shame trigger for men is being perceived as weak, and they respond by getting angry or shutting down
- •Her motto is to choose courage over comfort, because you can't have both
Speaking Out on Charlottesville, Privilege and Humility
Asked where she lacks courage, Brené describes the shaking-voiced Facebook Live she did that day on Charlottesville. She and Lewis discuss privilege, white silence, and approaching these issues with listening, humility and responsibility.
- •Brené's voice shook during the Charlottesville Facebook Live and she did it first so she wouldn't lose her courage
- •Being able to opt out of speaking is the definition of privilege, in her view
- •Lewis shares being hurt by a comment about white male privilege and his wish to speak out more
- •Brené says white silence around these issues is death
- •She advises humility, curiosity and listening to those affected longest
Pain, Blame, and Our Inability to Face Discomfort
Brené says she wasn't surprised by Charlottesville and ties it to powerlessness and unaddressed pain. She argues that leaders cheaply offer people someone to blame and that many crises stem from our unwillingness to feel pain, while Lewis describes how he avoided emotional pain through football.
- •Brené links what she saw to powerlessness, and says dismissing that pain is perilous
- •She cites James Baldwin on why people hold onto hate so stubbornly
- •Lewis describes sobbing after a breakup and channeling the pain into football
- •We are better at causing pain than feeling it, and giving people someone to blame is an easy way to lead
- •Opioid addiction and zero tolerance for discomfort are examples; our inability to be vulnerable is what makes us weak
Acknowledging Vulnerability Makes Teams Stronger
Brené poses a football bet about two teams with hurt quarterbacks, and she and Lewis agree the team that acknowledges its vulnerability is more likely to succeed. She says no one gets to opt out of vulnerability and pretending only makes people act badly.
- •Lewis describes pushing himself physically each day to build tolerance for discomfort
- •Brené says the team that acknowledges vulnerability and adapts is likelier to win
- •No one can exist without uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure
- •Pretending not to be vulnerable removes your choice over how you behave
- •Ignoring vulnerability is when people get hurt most and rage appears
Power Over's Last Stand and a Message to Leaders
Brené says that beneath identity and belonging lies power, and calls the Charlottesville marches power over's last stand. She argues that global problems need power with and power to, then says a president should be a moral leader.
- •Underneath identity and belonging, it comes down to power
- •Power is not a pepperoni pizza where sharing means you have less
- •Power over is making a last stand, fueled by desperation and fear
- •Global problems need collective power and everyone at the table
- •A person in the presidency should be a moral leader and not cross lines of human dignity
A 60-Second Message to the Men of the World and Women's Shame Triggers
Given a hypothetical chance to address all men, Brené says vulnerability is not weakness and that men are lonely. She adds that women's greatest shame trigger is doing it all perfectly, and that the two collide in partnerships.
- •Vulnerability is showing up and being seen when you can't control the outcome, and it is our greatest measure of courage
- •Brené tells men that we know how lonely they are
- •Women's shame trigger is to do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat
- •Provider shame for men and perfection for women can lock partners into straitjackets
- •The way out is getting real and honest, and truly seeing each other
Shame Resilience, Owning Your Story, and the Closing Questions
Brené says shame can't be eliminated but resilience can be built, with steps like pausing, self-compassion and speaking it to an empathic listener. Lewis shares how speaking about his abuse freed him, and the episode closes with her three truths and her definition of greatness.
- •We can't get rid of shame but can build resilience; Brené's rule is don't talk, text, or type while in shame
- •Talk to yourself like you'd talk to someone you love, then reach out to someone empathic
- •Shame can't survive being spoken or met with empathy
- •Lewis held his abuse in shame for 25 years and feels free after sharing, and journaling helps him first
- •Brené's three truths include love taking courage, and she defines greatness as owning your story and loving yourself through it
