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Lewis Howes"Use These 3 SECRETS To Find The PERFECT RELATIONSHIP Today!" | Pastor Michael Todd & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Start with honesty: stop pretending so you can get real direction
Michael Todd argues that unity and forward progress in relationships begins with honesty about where you actually are, not who you wish you were. He compares it to using GPS: if you lie about your location, you’ll get directions “from the wrong place” and never reach the destination.
- •Honesty is framed as the prerequisite for growth and relational unity
- •Faking who you are blocks blessings and keeps people stuck
- •Shame is presented as a key reason people lie to themselves
- •“Face it so you can make it” replaces “fake it till you make it”
- •Facades eventually crumble—often after more people get hurt
Progression over perfection: grace in daily relationship work
Lewis asks about healing over a decade of marriage, and Michael emphasizes that relationships require daily grace and steady progress rather than perfection. He rejects the idea of “relationship experts,” positioning what he shares as lived experience and ongoing learning.
- •Both partners are flawed; grace is needed and received daily
- •Life and relationships are about progression, not perfection
- •Progress is measured by movement from yesterday, not an ideal standard
- •Healing is continuous—new mistakes can happen at any time
- •Michael cautions against people claiming total expertise in relationships
Trust as the core currency: lost in buckets, rebuilt in drops
Michael describes trust as the foundation of relationships and explains how easily it can be destroyed and how slowly it is rebuilt. He argues many relationships fail because people aren’t diligent enough to rebuild trust after it breaks.
- •Trust can take years to build and moments to lose
- •Trust is “lost in buckets” but regained “in drops”
- •Rebuilding requires consistency and discipline over time
- •People often start over with someone new rather than do the repair work
- •Michael says the one who “tipped it over” must commit to restoring it
Why trust matters more than money—and what it feels like when it’s restored
Michael calls trust more valuable than money, connection, or platform, referencing a book he recommends about trust’s impact on outcomes. He describes the emotional security and satisfaction of being fully known by his wife and still believed and trusted.
- •Michael recommends the book "The Speed of Trust" and summarizes its premise
- •High trust lowers energy and cost and improves results; low trust does the opposite
- •He describes deep satisfaction from being believed without having to “prove it”
- •He emphasizes vulnerability: a spouse knows the everyday realities you can hide from others
- •He reflects on renewing vows and the power of words landing because of restored trust
When one partner won’t trust: the other person’s inner work and staying “single enough” to grow
Lewis asks what happens when someone remains untrusting despite transparency and access; Michael says both partners have their own work to do. He introduces the idea that even in a couple, each person must keep developing as an individual to keep the relationship healthy.
- •Michael notes his story is from his side; his wife had her own self-discovery process
- •Questions include whether to stay, what she’s worth, and what she brings
- •“No matter if you're a couple, you're still single” in the sense of continued improvement
- •Relationships deteriorate when one person stops developing after commitment
- •He encourages self-evaluation: what you’ve improved and what you bring to the relationship
Lists, “want” vs “need,” and not missing the right person in the wrong package
Lewis shares advice about becoming the qualities you want; Michael agrees in part but warns that lists can limit people. He argues people often don’t get what they initially wanted, but discover what they needed, and that personal growth can change what you recognize as worthy.
- •Michael differentiates between wanting qualities and expecting a specific “package”
- •He says lists can cause people to dismiss the right thing because it looks different
- •He claims many thriving long-term couples didn’t get what was on their original list
- •He encourages becoming the best version of yourself rather than fixating on a checklist
- •He says relationships fail when people don’t aim at a meaningful goal
Preparation for commitment: why relationships need training, not gambling
Lewis presses what happens if one person won’t grow; Michael acknowledges some situations may be unhealthy, but believes many people give up too soon. He argues greatness requires work and discomfort, and criticizes how easily people enter serious relationships without preparation or transparency.
- •Michael notes some relationships may become unhealthy, including scenarios involving infidelity
- •He argues many people exit too quickly because leaving is easy
- •Great relationships require work, pain, and repeated difficult conversations
- •He compares relationship commitment to getting a driver’s license—relationships often require less preparation
- •He criticizes lack of counseling, honesty about debt, and other disclosures before marriage
Three foundations for thriving relationships: transparency, shared faith, and fun
Michael offers three principles he believes every relationship should be built on, explaining each with examples. He distinguishes honesty from transparency, stresses shared foundational beliefs for navigating conflict, and highlights fun as essential for enduring hardship together.
- •Transparency: proactively sharing feelings and triggers rather than waiting to be asked
- •He distinguishes honesty (answering truthfully when asked) from transparency (offering truth unprompted)
- •Common faith goals: shared beliefs help decisions and correct behavior beyond emotion
- •He references ideas from scripture as a shared framework for conflict resolution
- •Fun: laughter and joy help couples endure promised difficulties in life
Family pressure and personal success: offloading the emotional weight
Lewis asks how Michael manages emotional strain while experiencing public growth and family challenges. Michael describes a daily practice of “casting” burdens to God, contrasting offloading with carrying, and uses a gym metaphor to explain why people burn out under constant weight.
- •Michael cites a scripture about casting cares because God cares
- •He says offloading doesn’t remove problems but removes the sense of carrying alone
- •He links carrying weight to anxiety, pressure, poor decisions, and lack of rest
- •He uses a squat-weight metaphor: you lift it, then you set it down
- •Lewis asks about alternatives for those without the same faith
Control, pace, and margin: doing less to stay healthy and effective
Michael explains that even without shared faith, people can start by recognizing they’re not in control of everything. He emphasizes controlling what you can—pace, commitments, boundaries—and argues that a lack of margin is why people break down even when they “have everything.”
- •He challenges the illusion of control with simple examples (sunrise, adding hours to a day)
- •He distinguishes what’s uncontrollable from choices you can control (time, relationships, pace)
- •He describes turning down most speaking requests despite massive demand
- •He introduces the idea of being “graced” for a certain pace, and warns about taking on extra burdens
- •He calls “margin” essential—time, mental space, relational and financial capacity
Mentorship and sabbaticals: why breaks unlock clarity, purpose, and better work
Michael recounts advice from a mentor when he became a lead pastor: take extended time each year to calibrate, heal, and move forward. He claims many of his best outcomes came after stepping back, and argues a culture of grinding can produce hollow success.
- •He credits mentors (in person and through books) for helping him learn what he didn’t know
- •He describes becoming lead pastor and receiving counsel to take a month off yearly
- •He says breaks provide clarity for calling, relationships, family, and future
- •He argues many great outputs came after time away, including a major relationship-focused work
- •He contrasts “bigger, more” success with fulfillment and purpose-driven greatness
Trauma communication and intensive counseling: learning to stay present instead of fixing
Michael shares how having a child diagnosed with autism created a demanding emotional journey for their marriage. He explains their differing trauma responses—his urge to fix, her need to talk—and how intensive counseling taught him to sit in discomfort so they could move through it together.
- •He describes differing trauma communication styles: talk it out vs think/fix
- •He says he had to learn listening and presence rather than problem-solving
- •He describes intensive counseling sessions with a counselor over a concentrated period
- •A counselor told him he couldn’t “finesse” his way out; he had to feel discomfort
- •He reframes sacrifice as finishing together rather than “winning the race” alone
Therapy as a lifelong investment: reshaping relationships, leadership, and community
Lewis asks about therapy’s role from the beginning of relationships; Michael argues everyone should be in counseling forever and calls it a better investment than real estate. He also describes how therapy changed how he and his wife choose friends and even how they support staff.
- •Michael says counseling provides wisdom, accountability, and pattern recognition
- •He argues therapy is a practical tool to unpack decades of trauma
- •He addresses taboo around therapy in churches and advocates for both faith and therapy
- •He says therapy changed how they choose friendships and assess self-awareness
- •He describes encouraging staff counseling and even supporting initial sessions
Revealing shame to heal—and the cost of leaving pain to rot
Lewis shares his own experience with revealing shame to begin healing, and Michael expands on how to create safe conditions for disclosure. Michael uses vivid metaphors about rotting food attracting harmful things to describe how unaddressed trauma contaminates relationships and life.
- •Lewis describes withholding childhood sexual abuse pain for decades until he shared it
- •Michael points to counseling and supportive community as safe spaces for vulnerability
- •He encourages asking what negative childhood experience shaped you today
- •He warns unprocessed pain festers, spoils, and attracts destructive patterns
- •He argues external success can’t cover internal contamination in emotions and relationships
Jealousy, generosity, and limiting exposure: running your own lane
Michael says jealousy is part of human nature and must be countered intentionally with generosity and celebration of others. He also argues modern overexposure—especially via social media—fuels jealousy, and shares how he limits social media to protect focus and peace.
- •He frames jealousy as a natural “lower nature” that must be fought intentionally
- •He says generosity “kills jealousy” and encourages giving what you wish you had
- •He links jealousy to overexposure and recommends limiting inputs
- •He describes going off social media regularly, including for extended periods
- •He uses the “blinders” metaphor: focus prevents crossing lanes and disqualification
Money, transparency, and generosity as “fruit”: purpose-first abundance and giving stories
Lewis asks about financial abundance and stigma for pastors; Michael emphasizes transparency and making finances the fruit rather than the focus. He shares stories of early giving, preparation, and large-scale generosity through the church, connecting it to purpose and readiness.
- •He acknowledges financial abuse and mistrust in religious contexts and commits to transparency
- •He says money should be the fruit, not the focus; people and purpose are the focus
- •He recounts an early moment raising funds to give away, setting a generosity culture
- •He emphasizes preparation—saving and readiness—alongside generosity principles
- •He shares examples of giving to needs in the community, including major one-day giving initiatives
Closing reflections: why he does it, three truths, and defining greatness
In the final segment, Michael explains he’s trying to be what he wished he had—authentic guidance about integrity, family, calling, and relationships. He shares his “three truths,” and ends by defining greatness as fulfilling what you’ve been called to do in service to others.
- •He says his motivation is to provide what he lacked growing up: honest examples and guidance
- •He emphasizes teaching and generosity of time toward younger people
- •He delivers his “three truths”: “all you have is all you need,” “progression over perfection,” and “Jesus loves you”
- •Lewis and Michael discuss detaching worth from applause and metrics as part of peace
- •He defines greatness as fulfilling purpose and impacting others through service
