Why 90% of People Think They're Shy (And Why They're Wrong) | Vinh Giang

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   Why charisma isn't a fixed personality trait

   1. VGVinh Giang0:00

      People will say things like, "Oh, I'm not charismatic, I'm boring." They make it as if it's permanent. Whereas the way you communicate, it's just a series of behaviors-

   2. LHLewis Howes0:09

      Mm-hmm

   3. VGVinh Giang0:09

      ... that are all temporary. So you could change those behaviors, and it changes the way people perceive you.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:14

      Even the way you perceive yourself. He's a communication coach with more than 17 million followers, and the author of the new book, Before We Forget How to Connect.

   5. VGVinh Giang0:25

      I've had students who speak naturally very quiet, and all they did was increase their volume. After they increased their volume, they realize, "Oh, I don't use my hands at all." So then they go, "Oh, so more volume, and now I'll use my hands." Right? "I'm saying um, a lot." If you just removed the ums and the uhs, if you used your hand gestures more, and if you increased your volume...

   6. LHLewis Howes0:40

      You look like a pro.

   7. VGVinh Giang0:41

      Well, you look like a completely different person. You sound like a completely different person.

   8. LHLewis Howes0:44

      For everyday human beings talking to their friends-

   9. VGVinh Giang0:48

      Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah

   10. LHLewis Howes0:48

       ... going to their work, and what is the perfect story framework that anyone could follow?

   11. VGVinh Giang0:54

       I like to think of it as three parts. You've got the-

2. 1:00 – 3:42

   How Vinh Giang reinvented his identity

   1. LHLewis Howes1:00

      You talk about there's this childlike wonder that most of us have.

   2. VGVinh Giang1:04

      Yeah.

   3. LHLewis Howes1:04

      All of us have.

   4. VGVinh Giang1:05

      Yeah.

   5. LHLewis Howes1:05

      You have a two-year-old. I have twin girls who are one years old, and there's this natural giftedness that they bring to the world.

   6. VGVinh Giang1:12

      Mm.

   7. LHLewis Howes1:13

      Hopefully, we as parents don't mess it up.

   8. VGVinh Giang1:15

      [laughs]

   9. LHLewis Howes1:15

      But a lot of us have been taught to dim our light-

   10. VGVinh Giang1:18

       Yeah

   11. LHLewis Howes1:19

       ... through different social settings.

   12. VGVinh Giang1:21

       Mm-hmm.

   13. LHLewis Howes1:21

       And therefore, we get embarrassed, we get insecure, we lose self-confidence. That natural light inside of us, we start to lose.

   14. VGVinh Giang1:30

       Mm.

   15. LHLewis Howes1:30

       When you were 14, you mentioned you actually changed your name, which allowed you to shift an identity within you-

   16. VGVinh Giang1:36

       Mm

   17. LHLewis Howes1:36

       ... to become more of who you felt you wanted to become. Can you tell me, first off, how you came up with the idea to shift your name through shifting your identity, to bring your light back into the world, to hopefully communicate to the world who you truly were, and how others can do that in their own lives today?

   18. VGVinh Giang1:56

       It was a very gradual realization because growing up, English is my third language. I first learned a Chinese dialect called Teochew, and then I learnt Vietnamese fluently, and then I was thrown into school not knowing how to communicate with other kids.

   19. LHLewis Howes2:10

       Uh-huh.

   20. VGVinh Giang2:10

       So I wasn't even able to share my light-

   21. LHLewis Howes2:12

       Mm

   22. VGVinh Giang2:12

       ... if you were to say it that way, even if I wanted to, and I didn't know what other people were saying to me. So i-i-i- there was a series of experiences where there was unfortunately bullying because I couldn't speak the language. I didn't know what they were talking about. And then it got to a point when I was 14 where... I mean, my, my birth name is Quang, and I was so sick of who Quang had become that I asked my parents, "Can I change my name to Vinh?" And I chose the name Vinh because that is the middle name of every single one of my uncles. So I've got... My dad's got six brothers, seven brothers altogether, and they were my heroes growing up.

   23. LHLewis Howes2:52

       Mm.

   24. VGVinh Giang2:52

       So I, I looked up to them. They're entrepreneurs.

   25. LHLewis Howes2:55

       Mm.

   26. VGVinh Giang2:55

       They built businesses together. They love their wives. They look after their family. So I wanted to be more like them.

   27. LHLewis Howes3:01

       Mm.

   28. VGVinh Giang3:02

       So Quang had a mold, the mold that Quang had up until 14. The awkward kid, the shy k- kid. They called me the fob-y kid, uh, fresh off the boat, FOB.

   29. LHLewis Howes3:11

       Mm.

   30. VGVinh Giang3:11

       So I was the fob-y kid. So I wanted to break that mold. So to me, the ultimate way to break the mold was to change my name. And my best mate at the time, Lenny, was like, "Oh, it's so weird. I've called you Quang for 14 years, and I have to call you Vinh." You know, it's even still a little bit weird for him today after so many years. But that just gave me a fresh start because I think one of the biggest things I've learnt, and I feel like this lesson is almost fractal in life, is that all the judgments we make about ourselves, they're not permanent.
3. 3:42 – 7:09

   Your communication habits are not your personality

   1. VGVinh Giang3:42

      Whereas people will say things like, "Oh, I'm not charismatic, I'm boring," uh, whatever it is that they say about themselves, but they make it as if it's permanent. Whereas the way you communicate, it's just a series of behaviors-

   2. LHLewis Howes3:56

      Mm-hmm

   3. VGVinh Giang3:57

      ... that are all temporary.

   4. LHLewis Howes3:59

      So it's not your personality, the way you communicate.

   5. VGVinh Giang4:01

      People perceive it to be your personality-

   6. LHLewis Howes4:03

      Uh-huh

   7. VGVinh Giang4:03

      ... because that's how they perceive your personality. My, my vocal coach used to always say, "Your voice is your personality." So when you meet somebody, they will make judgments about your personality based on the way you use your voice.

   8. LHLewis Howes4:16

      Mm.

   9. VGVinh Giang4:17

      And because of that, we are so attached to that identity 'cause we think that's who we are. But when you strip it back, even though we perceive it to be our personality, it's just a series of behaviors. So you could change those behaviors, and it changes the way people perceive you.

   10. LHLewis Howes4:31

       Right.

   11. VGVinh Giang4:32

       Even the way you perceive yourself.

   12. LHLewis Howes4:34

       So is your voice a part of your personality or a part of a behavioral trait?

   13. VGVinh Giang4:40

       Your voice is created through the way you maneuver your tongue, the way you control your soft palate, the way you... the placement of your teeth, the shape of your lips. So the voice is created from that, which is a series of behaviors, and you learn that based on the people you were inspired by when you were young.

   14. LHLewis Howes4:58

       Mm-hmm. You're modeling it.

   15. VGVinh Giang4:59

       Yeah. I mean, your kids right now-

   16. LHLewis Howes5:01

       Yeah

   17. VGVinh Giang5:01

       ... your two girls, and my daughter, I've got a son, too, but he's nine, they copy everything.

   18. LHLewis Howes5:06

       Right.

   19. VGVinh Giang5:07

       To the way my daughter... To the way my wife yells at them-

   20. LHLewis Howes5:10

       Mm-hmm

   21. VGVinh Giang5:10

       ... she is yelling back at us-

   22. LHLewis Howes5:12

       Oh

   23. VGVinh Giang5:12

       ... in the same way.

   24. LHLewis Howes5:13

       Everything. It's crazy.

   25. VGVinh Giang5:14

       It's crazy. So they copy everything.

   26. LHLewis Howes5:15

       Yeah.

   27. VGVinh Giang5:16

       They copy from... They see me mow the lawn, so now she wants her own little m- lawnmower, and she sees me barbecue, so she's got a little barbecue kit. They also copy the way you communicate.

   28. LHLewis Howes5:25

       Mm-hmm. And it's interesting, though, 'cause I have twin girls.

   29. VGVinh Giang5:27

       Yeah.

   30. LHLewis Howes5:27

       They're fraternal, so they're not identical, but they're fraternal, but born at the same time, essentially, the same, same mother-
4. 7:09 – 10:31

   The fastest way to become a better communicator

   1. VGVinh Giang7:09

      instrument in many different ways.

   2. LHLewis Howes7:10

      If someone watching or listening came to this saying, "I want to become a better speaker. I want to become a better communicator. I want to make sure I get my message across," for whatever reason, to get the job, to get the relationship, to have better relationships with my friends, family, whatever it might be. If someone's looking to become a be- a stronger speaker, also knowing that this is a process and it takes time-

   3. VGVinh Giang7:31

      Yeah

   4. LHLewis Howes7:31

      ... to really develop greater communication skills, but what is one thing they could do in the next 10 to 20 minutes to improve their communication skills?

   5. VGVinh Giang7:41

      Develop self-awareness.

   6. LHLewis Howes7:42

      [laughs]

   7. VGVinh Giang7:43

      Instead of trying to get an answer from somebody who will say to you, "Here are the top three things you should do." I think this is the biggest trap in-

   8. LHLewis Howes7:53

      Mm

   9. VGVinh Giang7:53

      ... whether it's self-development or communication-

   10. LHLewis Howes7:55

       Yeah

   11. VGVinh Giang7:55

       ... is that if you get a generic list, then you're gonna achieve generic results.

   12. LHLewis Howes8:00

       Mm-hmm.

   13. VGVinh Giang8:00

       So I think self-awareness simply because you have a different list of things that you have to work on-

   14. LHLewis Howes8:06

       Mm-hmm

   15. VGVinh Giang8:06

       ... as compared to someone who's listening to this now.

   16. LHLewis Howes8:08

       Right.

   17. VGVinh Giang8:09

       So then how do you create your own customized list? You have to record a video of yourself.

   18. LHLewis Howes8:14

       Uh-huh.

   19. VGVinh Giang8:15

       And-

   20. LHLewis Howes8:15

       That's the hardest thing to do. So scary.

   21. VGVinh Giang8:17

       For you now still?

   22. LHLewis Howes8:18

       No, it w- when I was-

   23. VGVinh Giang8:19

       I mean, you love it now. [laughs]

   24. LHLewis Howes8:20

       When I was terrified-

   25. VGVinh Giang8:21

       Yeah

   26. LHLewis Howes8:21

       ... of speaking-

   27. VGVinh Giang8:22

       Yeah

   28. LHLewis Howes8:22

       ... I asked someone this question who was a professional speaker.

   29. VGVinh Giang8:24

       Yeah.

   30. LHLewis Howes8:24

       I was 24. Because I couldn't stand up in front of a group of three peers without stuttering, stumbling-
5. 10:31 – 17:35

   The three-step exercise to improve your speaking

   1. VGVinh Giang10:31

      how other people perceive them.

   2. LHLewis Howes10:32

      Yes.

   3. VGVinh Giang10:32

      And you, we have a terrible memory, so you'll do something and you'll go, "Oh, I think I did pretty good," or, "I think I did terrible." You're probably wrong either way-

   4. LHLewis Howes10:41

      [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah

   5. VGVinh Giang10:42

      ... because you didn't watch it back.

   6. LHLewis Howes10:44

      Mm-hmm.

   7. VGVinh Giang10:44

      So I think the, the, the simple rule I give my students, so if you've got 10 to 20 minutes, record yourself speaking for five minutes, and topic of the video, talk about your favorite person, your favorite food. It has to be off the cuff. Why? Because we're trying to tease out what are your non-functional behaviors. What are you currently doing that's distracting people from the message? You don't know what that is until you go and just record the video. So improvise, speak for five full minutes-

   8. LHLewis Howes11:10

      Yeah

   9. VGVinh Giang11:10

      ... then review it in three different ways. The first time you review it, I don't know if you did this when you did Toastmasters, but the first time you review it, turn the sound up, turn the phone over, and just listen.

   10. LHLewis Howes11:21

       Mm.

   11. VGVinh Giang11:22

       So isolate the auditory component and just listen. Is there anything I'm doing with my voice that's putting people off, that sounds like I'm unhappy, or do I sound bored? You'll pick things up immediately. Just pick one thing while you're listening to that, that you can improve.

   12. LHLewis Howes11:37

       Mm. Is my tone off? Is it weird?

   13. VGVinh Giang11:39

       Yeah.

   14. LHLewis Howes11:39

       Is it fast? Is it jittery? Yeah.

   15. VGVinh Giang11:41

       Do I seem authentic in what I'm saying?

   16. LHLewis Howes11:43

       Mm.

   17. VGVinh Giang11:43

       Do I sound sincere? Do I sound, yeah, neutral about it, but I should be excited 'cause I do feel excited?

   18. LHLewis Howes11:49

       Uh-huh.

   19. VGVinh Giang11:49

       So just write one thing down for auditory. Then the second thing is turn the sound off and just look at yourself now. Is there something visual you're doing? My visual tick that I still have till today, if people watch this podcast really closely, is I keep doing this.

   20. LHLewis Howes12:04

       Really?

   21. VGVinh Giang12:05

       Yeah, I keep doing that.

   22. LHLewis Howes12:06

       Why don't you take the glasses off?

   23. VGVinh Giang12:06

       It's a tick. I can't see [laughs] Contacts.

   24. LHLewis Howes12:09

       Yeah.

   25. VGVinh Giang12:10

       Yeah, no, I know.

   26. LHLewis Howes12:10

       [laughs]

   27. VGVinh Giang12:11

       But I-

   28. LHLewis Howes12:11

       So you double... You, you clutch your glasses.

   29. VGVinh Giang12:14

       Yeah. I, I tend to just adjust my glasses. It's a visual tick. And then the, the, the center one is all now the people are gonna watch, but-

   30. LHLewis Howes12:19

       What... Why is that tick there, do you think?
6. 17:35 – 20:21

   Why how you speak matters as much as what you say

   1. VGVinh Giang17:35

      with their words.

   2. LHLewis Howes17:35

      That's it.

   3. VGVinh Giang17:35

      Because it's easy to lie with our words. It's harder to lie with body language. So it's so interesting that that's exactly what he picked up-

   4. LHLewis Howes17:41

      Mm-hmm

   5. VGVinh Giang17:41

      ... which is wild. And, and back to what you said before, too, I thought it was a really interesting point, is that when you first did that speech, the most important thing you felt you could do was make sure the content was right.

   6. LHLewis Howes17:52

      Mm-hmm.

   7. VGVinh Giang17:52

      That's why you didn't look up-

   8. LHLewis Howes17:53

      I didn't

   9. VGVinh Giang17:53

      ... because you thought that a speech is about what I say-

   10. LHLewis Howes17:56

       Yeah

   11. VGVinh Giang17:57

       ... it's not about how I say it.

   12. LHLewis Howes17:58

       Mm-hmm.

   13. VGVinh Giang17:59

       But I think it's, it, it... The analogy is you could get the greatest music written by Beethoven, but if you play the music poorly, does the world perceive it to be the greatest music?

   14. LHLewis Howes18:09

       Probably not.

   15. VGVinh Giang18:10

       I don't think so at all. And I think that's the same thing when you think about your career, you think about your ability to express love if you're on a date-

   16. LHLewis Howes18:18

       Mm-hmm

   17. VGVinh Giang18:18

       ... your ability to express your value at work. You may be the most technically brilliant person in your organization, but if you can't communicate that-

   18. LHLewis Howes18:27

       Mm-hmm

   19. VGVinh Giang18:28

       ... are you perceived to be the best? Often not.

   20. LHLewis Howes18:31

       And the beautiful thing about this-

   21. VGVinh Giang18:32

       Yeah

   22. LHLewis Howes18:32

       ... you don't have to be the best writer or storyteller to-

   23. VGVinh Giang18:35

       Yeah

   24. LHLewis Howes18:35

       ... give a great speech-

   25. VGVinh Giang18:37

       Mm

   26. LHLewis Howes18:37

       ... or to communicate in a way that is authentic.

   27. VGVinh Giang18:40

       Yeah.

   28. LHLewis Howes18:40

       And in fact, and this is the thing that I think saved me, 'cause I was like, "I'm never gonna be the smartest or most-

   29. VGVinh Giang18:46

       Mm

   30. LHLewis Howes18:46

       ... talented speaker out there, or the funniest-
7. 20:21 – 24:00

   How your voice makes people feel connected

   1. LHLewis Howes20:21

      us to others.

   2. VGVinh Giang20:22

      There, there's a sound to care.

   3. LHLewis Howes20:24

      Mm-hmm.

   4. VGVinh Giang20:24

      It's like when you, you, you, you took the time to meet my entire team, there's a sound to that.

   5. LHLewis Howes20:30

      What is the sound of caring?

   6. VGVinh Giang20:31

      There's a softness in your voice.

   7. LHLewis Howes20:33

      Mm-hmm.

   8. VGVinh Giang20:34

      There's melody in your voice. And even, even when, when the way you were greeting my team-

   9. LHLewis Howes20:38

      Yeah

   10. VGVinh Giang20:38

       ... there's an openness to you, right? It, you hugged every single person that was in the room, and there was like six of them there. You, you took the time to get to know each and every single person. So I think care is the, the time you took for each person. You know, you took the time to go through the book. You knew one of my good friends who's in the studio, Ali, you, you immediately called him out and said, "This is where you were in the book."

   11. LHLewis Howes21:00

       Yeah, yeah.

   12. VGVinh Giang21:01

       So all of that is felt.

   13. LHLewis Howes21:02

       Mm-hmm.

   14. VGVinh Giang21:03

       And I think that's why when, when you meet somebody, sometimes you, y- there's, there's a negative version of that where when you meet somebody for the first time, you go, "I don't know what it is about that person. I, I just can't connect with them."

   15. LHLewis Howes21:14

       Mm.

   16. VGVinh Giang21:14

       Right? A- and it's often there's a sound to it, there's a look to it, which then creates a certain feeling, right? So there's a, there's a look, there's a sound. It creates a certain feeling. And again, these things can be changed, and often the person that's doing it, that's potentially robbing people the wrong way, nobody tells them.

   17. LHLewis Howes21:31

       Mm, mm-hmm.

   18. VGVinh Giang21:33

       Nobody has unfortunately pulled them aside and said, "Hey, sometimes you come across as a bit of a wanker."

   19. LHLewis Howes21:38

       Yeah, yeah.

   20. VGVinh Giang21:38

       And no one's taken the time to tell them that, so they don't know they're creating that sound. They have that look on their face because they've also never watched themselves back-

   21. LHLewis Howes21:46

       Yeah

   22. VGVinh Giang21:46

       ... to have this self-awareness. And there's countless times where I have my students do this, and they, they're, they're shocked that they um and ah.

   23. LHLewis Howes21:56

       They are what?

   24. VGVinh Giang21:57

       They're shocked that they um and they ah.

   25. LHLewis Howes21:59

       Ah.

   26. VGVinh Giang22:00

       They just, they, they... I can't believe I um and ah that much. But there's an interesting that happens in, interesting thing that happens in communication. When you repeat a behavior for five, 10, 20, 30 years of your life, that behavior now becomes invisible to you.

   27. LHLewis Howes22:16

       Mm, mm.

   28. VGVinh Giang22:18

       Until they watch it back and isolate just the sounds, or for sometimes they actually need to get the transcript, and then they see the word um 47 times-

   29. LHLewis Howes22:28

       Right. [laughs]

   30. VGVinh Giang22:28

       ... in five minutes. They're like, "That's freaking crazy."
8. 24:00 – 25:53

   Building confidence when you don't believe in yourself

   1. LHLewis Howes24:00

      How does someone learn how to build confidence as a communicator and as a speaker or a content creator online-

   2. VGVinh Giang24:08

      Yeah

   3. LHLewis Howes24:08

      ... if they don't believe in themselves? If their identity is tied around insecurity and not enough-ness

   4. VGVinh Giang24:15

      Mm. Ah, then, then you've, you've, y- you've, we've heard so many wonderful creators online speak to this, I, I believe. Um, Hormozi has a great one where he says y- you have to build the evidence that you are the person you say you are. So if you, if you wanna be more courageous, then it's like, I, I took a page out of his book where I only started taking content creation really, really seriously in 2020 during COVID. You just, like you, have to keep showing up-

   5. LHLewis Howes24:42

      Yeah

   6. VGVinh Giang24:42

      ... and keep doing the thing, right? There's, there's something to be said about courage is a muscle that you have to keep training, right? It's, it's, it's, again, with my students, I get them to story tell the first time. They go, "Oh, I'm not a good storyteller. I can't still- tell stories really well." And you just watch them from version one to version three, and I ask them a simple question, "How do you feel now?" "Oh, so much better." Three reps-

   7. LHLewis Howes25:07

      Yeah

   8. VGVinh Giang25:07

      ... and they feel so much better. Whereas I think there's this illusion we have in our minds that I can't do something until I fully understand it.

   9. LHLewis Howes25:17

      Mm-hmm.

   10. VGVinh Giang25:19

       But I think that formula's wrong. They, so they think, "I can't try until I fully understand." I think you don't understand until you try.

   11. LHLewis Howes25:29

       Mm-hmm. It's true.

   12. VGVinh Giang25:30

       So you have to try poorly.

   13. LHLewis Howes25:31

       You have to try and fail-

   14. VGVinh Giang25:33

       Yeah

   15. LHLewis Howes25:33

       ... and humiliate or embarrass yourself or f- feel like you're doing that-

   16. VGVinh Giang25:37

       Yes

   17. LHLewis Howes25:37

       ... in order for you to say, "Oh, that's the way not to do it."

   18. VGVinh Giang25:40

       Yeah.

   19. LHLewis Howes25:40

       "How can I make it better?"

   20. VGVinh Giang25:41

       Because then it improves the trying the second time around.

   21. LHLewis Howes25:45

       Yes.

   22. VGVinh Giang25:46

       Right? So, so version 1.0 is always gonna be crap.

   23. LHLewis Howes25:49

       Messy.

   24. VGVinh Giang25:50

       Yeah. Always gonna be terrible, and that's just the

9. 25:53 – 29:34

   The look, feel and sound framework for confidence

   1. VGVinh Giang25:53

      price you have to pay.

   2. LHLewis Howes25:53

      It is.

   3. VGVinh Giang25:54

      And, and I think when it comes to confidence, I think about it in the same framework I mentioned before. There's look, feel, and sound. So-

   4. LHLewis Howes26:01

      Around confidence?

   5. VGVinh Giang26:02

      Yeah, around confidence. So if you think about confidence, if you think about look, feel, and sound, the way you look, the way you feel, and the way you sound, which one do you think is the hardest one to control out of look, feel, and sound?

   6. LHLewis Howes26:14

      Look, feel, sound.

   7. VGVinh Giang26:17

      I'm just curious to hear, think your perspective. What do you think? Which one's the hardest one to-

   8. LHLewis Howes26:20

      I guess if you are not comfortable within your body, then maybe you would say, uh, the way I look and feel-

   9. VGVinh Giang26:27

      Yeah

   10. LHLewis Howes26:27

       ... because I'm always focused on the negative around how I look.

   11. VGVinh Giang26:31

       Sure.

   12. LHLewis Howes26:32

       Um, yeah, if you're shy, maybe it's around how you sound.

   13. VGVinh Giang26:35

       Mm-hmm.

   14. LHLewis Howes26:36

       So I guess it's about having the awareness around yourself, but I'm not sure what's the, the main that a lot of people say they struggle with, look, feel, or sound.

   15. VGVinh Giang26:44

       Most people struggle with the way they feel the most, because emotional mastery is really, really difficult, right? So when I ask people that list, generally it's feel.

   16. LHLewis Howes26:55

       Mm.

   17. VGVinh Giang26:55

       So if you, if you have look, feel, and sound, right? Feel, the one in the middle, is the most difficult. And the thing I... When, when I think about confidence, confidence is a feeling, right? So confidence is a feeling. It's an emotional state of being. So when you think about it from that perspective, when people wanna be more confident, what do they say to themselves? They, they say, "I wish I felt more confident." So then you're reaching for the thing that is the most difficult thing to do when it comes to confidence.

   18. LHLewis Howes27:22

       I feel it.

   19. VGVinh Giang27:22

       Yeah. I just... Why can't I just feel more confident? Um, before a speech, "Oh, I w- wish I felt more confident for this. I wish I felt more confident before I came onto this podcast." But don't reach for the thing that's the hardest thing to control. Uh, Coach John Wooden has a beautiful line where he says, "If we focus on the thing we can't control, we'll soon lose control of, of the thing we can control."

   20. LHLewis Howes27:43

       Hmm. Interesting.

   21. VGVinh Giang27:44

       So if you, if you keep focusing on the thing you can't control, well, then you'll soon lose control of what, what can you control?

   22. LHLewis Howes27:48

       Yeah.

   23. VGVinh Giang27:48

       The way you look-

   24. LHLewis Howes27:49

       Yeah, yeah

   25. VGVinh Giang27:49

       ... and the way you sound.

   26. LHLewis Howes27:50

       Yeah.

   27. VGVinh Giang27:51

       Because you can control the way you look-

   28. LHLewis Howes27:52

       You can

   29. VGVinh Giang27:53

       ... to a certain point. You can, you can-

   30. LHLewis Howes27:54

       Well, your posture and your dress and-
10. 29:34 – 32:28

    Why you should practice speaking with strangers

    1. VGVinh Giang29:34

       shy. Say, for example, you're ve- you're someone who speaks very quietly. You feel inspired by this. You go home, and then your partner's always known you to be like this, and you go home and you're like, "Honey, I'm home."

    2. LHLewis Howes29:45

       Yeah, yeah.

    3. VGVinh Giang29:45

       "There's a new version of me."

    4. LHLewis Howes29:46

       It's gonna be a shock, yeah.

    5. VGVinh Giang29:47

       What's gonna happen? They're immediately gonna go, "Don't do that."

    6. LHLewis Howes29:50

       Ah.

    7. VGVinh Giang29:51

       "That's weird." Why? Because again, people perceive your personality through your voice, so when you shift that dramatically, they freak out.

    8. LHLewis Howes30:00

       Mm.

    9. VGVinh Giang30:00

       They go, "Oh, no, something's changed about my husband. Why is he trying to ch- why..." So what you need while you're practicing this is you need what I like to call neutral ears, what my mentors have always called neutral ears. So your partner, your team members, they're not neutral ears. Now, neutral ears are people who have no preconceived ideas of who you are- How you sound, how you look, nothing. So you go and get gas, you go grocery shopping, you take an Uber, these are all neutral ears

    10. LHLewis Howes30:26

        Yeah. Explore here-

    11. VGVinh Giang30:27

        Yes

    12. LHLewis Howes30:27

        ... around people that will never talk to you again-

    13. VGVinh Giang30:29

        Yes

    14. LHLewis Howes30:30

        ... potentially.

    15. VGVinh Giang30:30

        And never go to the same grocery store again-

    16. LHLewis Howes30:32

        [laughs]

    17. VGVinh Giang30:32

        ... after that if you must, right? But I think it's more just about in those environments, you don't have preconceived ideas-

    18. LHLewis Howes30:39

        Yeah

    19. VGVinh Giang30:39

        ... on how you should be.

    20. LHLewis Howes30:40

        Yeah.

    21. VGVinh Giang30:40

        So you can play.

    22. LHLewis Howes30:41

        Mm-hmm.

    23. VGVinh Giang30:42

        You can play with your instrument. Try keys on your voice you've never played before.

    24. LHLewis Howes30:45

        It's so interesting you say that because I think you, I think in the book you talk about how you went to five different schools growing up?

    25. VGVinh Giang30:50

        Yeah, five different high schools.

    26. LHLewis Howes30:51

        For me, I left home at 13, and it's because I was in an environment and a f- maybe a friend group that wasn't inspirational to me at the time.

    27. VGVinh Giang31:00

        Yeah.

    28. LHLewis Howes31:00

        And I didn't feel like I could break free of who I was-

    29. VGVinh Giang31:03

        Mm

    30. LHLewis Howes31:04

        ... around this group of people-
11. 32:28 – 36:53

    Vinh Giang reveals his biggest communication insecurity

    1. LHLewis Howes32:28

       we really are.

    2. VGVinh Giang32:28

       Sometimes heard as well, both.

    3. LHLewis Howes32:30

       Exactly.

    4. VGVinh Giang32:31

       Mm-hmm.

    5. LHLewis Howes32:31

       Is there anything that you're still afraid to be seen for or visible for? Even with 17 million followers, billions of views every single year, thousands of students, what are you most afraid to be seen for?

    6. VGVinh Giang32:45

       I think sometimes when you teach this craft, there's this expectation that you are always perfect at it, and I'm afraid to be seen for the times where I still fail with the very skill that I teach at home.

    7. LHLewis Howes33:00

       Mm. What's that?

    8. VGVinh Giang33:02

       When my wife and I have an argument, and I lose my temper, and I am louder than I should be, and when my kids come to me, and they're asking to play, and I'm not as playful with my voice, and I'm not doing some of the things I said because it's been a long day at work, and Dad's just gotten home. I'm definitely afraid of that, but-

    9. LHLewis Howes33:26

       Mm

    10. VGVinh Giang33:26

        ... I'm, I'm learning that trying to be that perfect person who always communicates perfectly then creates this pressure for yourself.

    11. LHLewis Howes33:36

        Sure.

    12. VGVinh Giang33:37

        And then you're also not making yourself relatable.

    13. LHLewis Howes33:39

        Yes.

    14. VGVinh Giang33:40

        So I think I'm, I'm, I'm on the journey of learning how to share more of those moments as opposed to... Be- because my students always ask me, "Is that how you always talk at home?" And it's like, "No, no, that's not how I always talk."

    15. LHLewis Howes33:49

        Yeah.

    16. VGVinh Giang33:49

        It isn't. It's exhausting, and my wife won't handle it, 'cause she'll just go, "Just, just, just dial it down."

    17. LHLewis Howes33:53

        Yeah.

    18. VGVinh Giang33:53

        "Just dial it down."

    19. LHLewis Howes33:54

        Yeah.

    20. VGVinh Giang33:54

        Stop performing.

    21. LHLewis Howes33:55

        That's right.

    22. VGVinh Giang33:56

        Right? That's 100%.

    23. LHLewis Howes33:56

        Do you ever feel like you're performing in your personal life? Because you're not performing in your business life, but you're-

    24. VGVinh Giang34:02

        Yeah

    25. LHLewis Howes34:03

        ... always teaching in a certain way and feel like you need to be on. Do you feel like you can turn it off at home?

    26. VGVinh Giang34:08

        I, I feel like I can, especially at home, just because the person I'm married to.

    27. LHLewis Howes34:12

        Yeah, yeah.

    28. VGVinh Giang34:12

        Okay? She, she, she doesn't, she doesn't handle that. She doesn't like that.

    29. LHLewis Howes34:15

        Really?

    30. VGVinh Giang34:16

        Yeah, yeah. My wife is, is, Peiwen is such a boss.
12. 36:53 – 38:33

    How to adapt your communication to any room

    1. VGVinh Giang36:53

       to be able to deliver the best I can.

    2. LHLewis Howes36:56

       But don't you have that sacred time every moment with a human being?

    3. VGVinh Giang36:59

       I think you do, yes. I, I believe you do, but there, there are different levels-

    4. LHLewis Howes37:02

       Mm

    5. VGVinh Giang37:02

       ... of performance-

    6. LHLewis Howes37:03

       Mm-hmm

    7. VGVinh Giang37:03

       ... that I think you do need to bring, right? Because there, there's this rule in the world of theater that I learned too, and it's that, be as big as the room, right? So if the room is just you and me now, if I start to bring this version of me-

    8. LHLewis Howes37:17

       Right

    9. VGVinh Giang37:17

       ... it's a bit too much

    10. LHLewis Howes37:17

        ... a nice little bit, yeah, yeah.

    11. VGVinh Giang37:18

        Yeah, it's a bit too much, right? But I think there's different versions of ourselves.

    12. LHLewis Howes37:22

        Mm-hmm.

    13. VGVinh Giang37:22

        And sometimes we have friends who bring too much, and then we say, "Oh, that's performative."

    14. LHLewis Howes37:27

        Uh-huh.

    15. VGVinh Giang37:27

        And then we sometimes have people in our lives who don't bring much at all, and we go, "Oh, well, they don't really care. They don't wanna be there." So, so there is something to be said about being as big as the room. Play to the room. Play the song the room needs. I feel that's what's important.

    16. LHLewis Howes37:43

        Mm-hmm.

    17. VGVinh Giang37:44

        And you can't do that unless you've explored your instrument fully.

    18. LHLewis Howes37:47

        Mm.

    19. VGVinh Giang37:47

        So that's what my wife is saying to me. She goes, "You don't need to do that."

    20. LHLewis Howes37:50

        Right

    21. VGVinh Giang37:50

        ... because I just came home from teaching a class of 400 people, and I haven't switched gears yet.

    22. LHLewis Howes37:54

        No.

    23. VGVinh Giang37:55

        And like I... She goes, "Yeah, you're not teaching a class," because she likes a particular song played a certain way. So you're not able to be dynamic in these different areas of your life if you haven't explored your voice. That's why, that's why in my book I, I push people to explore your voice and play all the different notes and try playing all the different notes. That way, when you're in a specific conversation, you can play the notes that's required-

    24. LHLewis Howes38:22

        Yeah

    25. VGVinh Giang38:22

        ... to help the person and connect with the person that's in front of you.

    26. LHLewis Howes38:25

        What's the note within your song that you're afraid to sing?

    27. VGVinh Giang38:30

        The note that I'm afraid to sing?

    28. LHLewis Howes38:32

        Or do you feel like you've

13. 38:33 – 47:57

    The vulnerability behind authentic connection

    1. LHLewis Howes38:33

       explored all the notes in your voice?

    2. VGVinh Giang38:35

       I'm afraid to play songs that sometimes have a lot of pain associated with it.

    3. LHLewis Howes38:42

       You mean you-

    4. VGVinh Giang38:42

       Songs of loss

    5. LHLewis Howes38:43

       ... revealing-

    6. VGVinh Giang38:43

       Yeah

    7. LHLewis Howes38:44

       ... you sh- you opening up-

    8. VGVinh Giang38:45

       Yeah

    9. LHLewis Howes38:45

       ... about how you're feeling around loss or grief or sadness?

    10. VGVinh Giang38:48

        Yeah.

    11. LHLewis Howes38:48

        Why is that?

    12. VGVinh Giang38:49

        Because sometimes the emotions are still too strong.

    13. LHLewis Howes38:53

        Mm-hmm.

    14. VGVinh Giang38:54

        And I think I, I, I learnt a lot about this from Brené in that... Or like all the content I create, I love having fun with my team. I love being optimistic. I love being playful. I love wit. And then as I came across the content from Brené, I started to learn how important it is for us to explore the vulnerable notes, play songs that make us feel more than just laugh-

    15. LHLewis Howes39:19

        Mm

    16. VGVinh Giang39:19

        ... more than just humor. So I think I am afraid of those parts still.

    17. LHLewis Howes39:24

        Really?

    18. VGVinh Giang39:24

        I am still hesitant.

    19. LHLewis Howes39:26

        Are you hesitant because you haven't healed certain parts of the, those feelings or those memories? Or is it because you're afraid how you'll be perceived by others when you communicate? Or is more you're afraid that you won't be able to-

    20. VGVinh Giang39:40

        Mm

    21. LHLewis Howes39:40

        ... navigate the emotions when you communicate?

    22. VGVinh Giang39:43

        I think all of it.

    23. LHLewis Howes39:44

        Uh-huh.

    24. VGVinh Giang39:45

        I feel all of it. It's, it's like when I, when I was writing the book, I, I tried to go to those places-

    25. LHLewis Howes39:52

        Mm

    26. VGVinh Giang39:52

        ... and it was really hard even to write.

    27. LHLewis Howes39:54

        Really?

    28. VGVinh Giang39:54

        Yeah. It felt, it felt really hard to write. You know, it, it, it's again, it's songs that I often don't play.

    29. LHLewis Howes40:01

        Mm. The School of Greatness is brought to you in partnership with Airbnb. Some of the trips I remember most are the ones where the main event is only part of the experience. You go for one reason, but then you find a great local spot. You explore a neighborhood you've never seen before, and suddenly the trip becomes so much more than what brought you there. I think about that from the other side also, because I list a space on Airbnb as well. When a big event brings people into that area, it gives travelers a comfortable place to land and experience more of what's around them. And for me, the extra income is an amazing benefit. I can put it towards a project for the space or toward another trip and, and another experience somewhere new. Sometimes a big event gets the big attention for someone, but your space can get some of the spotlight as well. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host. What would your life look like if you were able to play all those songs that you're afraid of?

    30. VGVinh Giang41:10

        I think it would help people have a more rounded view of who I am as a person. I think it would help me feel more healed-
14. 47:57 – 54:29

    The painful family story Vinh struggled to share

    1. VGVinh Giang47:57

       uncle, his name's, uh... We call him Ye Bet.

    2. LHLewis Howes48:00

       Ye Bet?

    3. VGVinh Giang48:01

       Ye Bet, yeah. Uh, and with my uncle, see, he's the second oldest. He used to love coming over to my, my house when I was young. He didn't have a, a family, and he would carry me on his back. Uh, he'd be like a horse. I'd call him a donkey. My mom's like, "Don't call your uncle that. Don't be disrespectful." But he just, he just c- And he had this joyfulness to him, but then there'll be a moment where it's almost like he lags. It's like he's lagging, and I was like-

    4. LHLewis Howes48:30

       Uh-huh

    5. VGVinh Giang48:30

       ... "Why, why is, why is Ye Bet running out of batteries? What the hell's going on, Mom?" And I'd always noticed that about him. And then my uncle, when I was five, he, he passed away. And, like, my family never spoke about it

    6. LHLewis Howes48:47

       Really?

    7. VGVinh Giang48:48

       We just never spoke about it.

    8. LHLewis Howes48:49

       God, that's so interesting.

    9. VGVinh Giang48:50

       And I was, I was, I was really connected to him.

    10. LHLewis Howes48:52

        Mm.

    11. VGVinh Giang48:53

        And I didn't know how to deal with it. And I, I remember years later, my dad would explain to me that, you know, these, these, these pauses or where you thought uncle ran out of batteries, it was because on the night of our family escape, escaping Vietnam, my uncle was the one that captained the boat, and they had to leave on the stormiest night because that's the one night the Viet Cong wouldn't patrol.

    12. LHLewis Howes49:19

        Mm-hmm.

    13. VGVinh Giang49:20

        So then the decision had to be made in an instant, and then my uncle had to make a really, really hard decision because the love of his life was on the other side of the village, and he had his entire family he had to lead.

    14. LHLewis Howes49:33

        Oh, man.

    15. VGVinh Giang49:34

        He left her.

    16. LHLewis Howes49:35

        Oh.

    17. VGVinh Giang49:36

        And he-

    18. LHLewis Howes49:36

        That's sad

    19. VGVinh Giang49:37

        ... he got our entire family to safety. We got to a refugee island for two years, got to Australia, and my uncle lived with that pain.

    20. LHLewis Howes49:46

        Oh.

    21. VGVinh Giang49:47

        And I, I was four or five when he... I spent all this time with him. I didn't know he was living with that pain, but then it made sense in these moments where he'd look lost. I mean, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't understand what he was going through, but I knew there was something wrong because my dad never did that. My other uncles, no o- no one I knew ever did that. But he had, had these moments where he'd, he'd, he'd look and look at a wall and, and there'd be, there'd be nothing. I'd talk to him, but there'd be nothing, you know? And, and it's, you know, it's something my family, again, we still don't talk about it to today.

    22. LHLewis Howes50:22

        Really?

    23. VGVinh Giang50:23

        And-

    24. LHLewis Howes50:24

        Have you tried bringing it up?

    25. VGVinh Giang50:25

        I have, but there's so much pain.

    26. LHLewis Howes50:26

        People don't wanna talk about it.

    27. VGVinh Giang50:27

        Yeah, my, my family don't wanna talk about it. And, and, like, I, I, I wonder why he passed and how he passed.

    28. LHLewis Howes50:36

        Mm.

    29. VGVinh Giang50:38

        You know, my uncle drank a lot, my uncle smoked a lot and, you know, it's just, like, this, this man was a hero in our family.

    30. LHLewis Howes50:44

        Mm.
15. 54:29 – 59:17

    Why everyone has powerful stories worth telling

    1. VGVinh Giang54:29

       Well, you know, the crazy thing is I've documented them. I have-

    2. LHLewis Howes54:31

       You have written them down, yeah.

    3. VGVinh Giang54:32

       You've written them down. Well, because the, the thing about storytelling is when you ask people, "Hey, can you share a story?" The first reaction you get from people is what? "Oh, I don't have any."

    4. LHLewis Howes54:41

       Right.

    5. VGVinh Giang54:41

       "I don't have any stories." But then you ask them a follow-up question, "Have, have you laughed? Have you cried? Have you felt shame? Have you felt rejected?" You have thousands of stories. You've just forgotten them. So I think it, it, it's funny because... And then thank you so much for, well, for, for sharing your wisdom with me, because it's like I've written these songs down. I've written these stories down. I just haven't played them.

    6. LHLewis Howes55:04

       Mm.

    7. VGVinh Giang55:05

       And I don't play them openly. I don't play them freely. It's like a category of stories that I've written, but I'm afraid to play, you know? And, and-

    8. LHLewis Howes55:14

       And maybe you don't have to play them publicly.

    9. VGVinh Giang55:15

       Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

    10. LHLewis Howes55:17

        But-

    11. VGVinh Giang55:17

        Yeah

    12. LHLewis Howes55:17

        ... what was your birth name?

    13. VGVinh Giang55:19

        Quang.

    14. LHLewis Howes55:20

        Quang?

    15. VGVinh Giang55:20

        Yeah. It means light.

    16. LHLewis Howes55:22

        Light.

    17. VGVinh Giang55:22

        Yeah.

    18. LHLewis Howes55:22

        Quang.

    19. VGVinh Giang55:23

        Mm-hmm, yeah.

    20. LHLewis Howes55:23

        So, you know, these stories, maybe it's just for you to, to sing back to-

    21. VGVinh Giang55:29

        Yeah

    22. LHLewis Howes55:29

        ... Quang, your younger version of you.

    23. VGVinh Giang55:31

        A- and I think there's, there's something beautiful about it too, in that if, if we, if we, if we make this connected to communication for the listeners, right? I think the stories you document about yourself strengthen your identity.

    24. LHLewis Howes55:43

        Yes.

    25. VGVinh Giang55:44

        And when you don't document anything, then you fall for everything. Someone might make a critical judgment call about something about you, but, but if you've... Someone says, "Oh, that person's so materialistic." But then if you've got five stories documented in the last three weeks or three months of you being generous, well, then you don't fall to that comment because you go, "No, no, I'm, I know I'm generous."

    26. LHLewis Howes56:06

        Mm-hmm.

    27. VGVinh Giang56:06

        "I've documented that." So I think there's a beauty behind documenting the things that emotionally move you.

    28. LHLewis Howes56:10

        Mm-hmm.

    29. VGVinh Giang56:11

        So if you wanna be a better communicator, I think it's so important to document the stories.

    30. LHLewis Howes56:15

        Yes.
16. 59:17 – 1:05:31

    The three-part framework for better storytelling

    1. VGVinh Giang59:17

       ... but it changes what you make it mean for you moving forward.

    2. LHLewis Howes59:20

       Absolutely.

    3. VGVinh Giang59:21

       Yeah.

    4. LHLewis Howes59:21

       Speaking of story, what would you say is the perfect story framework-

    5. VGVinh Giang59:26

       Mm

    6. LHLewis Howes59:26

       ... for everyday human beings-

    7. VGVinh Giang59:28

       Mm

    8. LHLewis Howes59:28

       ... talking to their friends-

    9. VGVinh Giang59:31

       Yeah, yeah, yeah

    10. LHLewis Howes59:31

        ... going to their work-

    11. VGVinh Giang59:33

        Yeah

    12. LHLewis Howes59:33

        ... maybe being on a stage or giving a presentation. What is the perfect story framework-

    13. VGVinh Giang59:38

        Yeah

    14. LHLewis Howes59:38

        ... that anyone could follow?

    15. VGVinh Giang59:40

        I like to think of it as three parts. It, it, you start with a spark, which to me is a moment, a moment that has emotionally moved you. So, so that's how you know there's a, there's, there's a story worth sharing. So something that's emotionally moved you, there's a spark. And then the moment something sparks, when you're documenting it, write down the who, what, where, and when.

    16. LHLewis Howes59:58

        Uh-huh.

    17. VGVinh Giang59:59

        Super basic. Who, what, where, and when. Keep it super simple. And this is for conversational storytelling. And then you just document it, who was there, what was happening, just so you don't forget, okay? That, that's all you need for the spark. And then after you've got the spark, then, well, what's the point of the story? Like, wh- why are you telling me this story? Because I think what frustrates people the most is you go on this massive storytelling endeavor, and then at the end you go, "Oh, and that's it."

    18. LHLewis Howes1:00:23

        Yeah, right.

    19. VGVinh Giang1:00:23

        And then it drives people crazy.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:00:24

        What's the meaning, the lesson, the moral?

    21. VGVinh Giang1:00:26

        That's right. And it's not, not, not people's fault-

    22. LHLewis Howes1:00:28

        Right

    23. VGVinh Giang1:00:28

        ... because we often are used to telling a story based on what happened, not what it meant. So when you wanna become a better storyteller, the second part of the formula, so you've got the spark and the point, it helps you become more effective already because wh- wh- what does it mean? And you lead into the point with a simple sentence and you say, "Hey, the reason I'm sharing this is because..." And that just makes people feel so good after listening to a story-

    24. LHLewis Howes1:00:49

        Mm

    25. VGVinh Giang1:00:50

        ... 'cause they go, oh, this is where you're turning information into insight. That sentence lets people know we're about to turn information into insights. So they go, "Oh," so their attention peaks and their focus starts to zoom in, and then you show the point. And it could be as simple as that as you're starting. The final part of the formula is the link. The link is essentially how you can make that story, same story relevant in many different situations.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:01:16

        Mm-hmm.

    27. VGVinh Giang1:01:17

        So one of the biggest reasons people don't story tell is they go, "Ah, I don't see how that story is relevant." So for example, the Yibit story I've, I, I shared about my uncle, I linked that story to what a pause could hold, what a moment of silence could hold that I didn't even know. But it was my ability to think of that link between that world of pain, that world of what my uncle went through, and linking it to the pause, and that's how powerful a pause can be.

    28. LHLewis Howes1:01:45

        Wow.

    29. VGVinh Giang1:01:46

        That required the skill of linking. It's like that's why you see a lot of professional speakers, they can use the same story, but they link the same story to many different situations.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:01:56

        Mm-hmm.
17. 1:05:31 – 1:08:57

    How to overcome the fear of public speaking

    1. LHLewis Howes1:05:31

       Mm-hmm.

    2. VGVinh Giang1:05:32

       Yeah.

    3. LHLewis Howes1:05:32

       That's beautiful. [laughs]

    4. VGVinh Giang1:05:33

       [laughs] That's be- yeah, that's beautiful. Poop three times.

    5. LHLewis Howes1:05:35

       And that, that reminds me of a-

    6. VGVinh Giang1:05:36

       Yeah

    7. LHLewis Howes1:05:37

       ... you know, for many... Even though I did-

    8. VGVinh Giang1:05:38

       Yeah

    9. LHLewis Howes1:05:38

       ... Toastmasters for every week for almost a year-

    10. VGVinh Giang1:05:41

        Yeah

    11. LHLewis Howes1:05:42

        ... and I started to get booked to do paid gigs after that actually. I started making money, and I was, like, doing workshops and, and getting asked to speak.

    12. VGVinh Giang1:05:50

        As a professional speaker?

    13. LHLewis Howes1:05:51

        As, as a speaker, like getting paid.

    14. VGVinh Giang1:05:52

        Oh, that's awesome.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:05:52

        I guess you'd call it professional, but-

    16. VGVinh Giang1:05:54

        Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that too

    17. LHLewis Howes1:05:55

        ... but I never thought I would make money-

    18. VGVinh Giang1:05:57

        Mm

    19. LHLewis Howes1:05:57

        ... speaking, you know, a year before this, right?

    20. VGVinh Giang1:05:59

        Mm.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:05:59

        I was like the fact that I could go on stage for an hour and get paid-

    22. VGVinh Giang1:06:02

        Yeah

    23. LHLewis Howes1:06:02

        ... I was like, "This is unbelievable."

    24. VGVinh Giang1:06:04

        Mm.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:06:05

        But maybe after eight to 10 years of doing this and speaking in bigger and bigger audiences and getting paid more and more and building an audience and a personal brand and all these things-

    26. VGVinh Giang1:06:14

        Mm

    27. LHLewis Howes1:06:14

        ... I still found myself a little bit nervous, like, the morning of a speech.

    28. VGVinh Giang1:06:19

        Mm.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:06:19

        First it used to be, like, the week before the speech I'd get nervous. Then it was days before, then it was still, like, the day before, and I was like, "Why am I still nervous?"

    30. VGVinh Giang1:06:26

        Mm.
18. 1:08:57 – 1:11:13

    How to stop your voice from shaking

    1. VGVinh Giang1:08:57

       too-

    2. LHLewis Howes1:08:58

       Mm-hmm

    3. VGVinh Giang1:08:58

       ... and takes you out of that, that kind of rehearsed voice.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:09:01

       Yes.

    5. VGVinh Giang1:09:02

       The, the, the other thing I think a lot of students feel as well, again, it could be before an interview, it could be before you're presenting in front of your team, is the nervousness. How do you actually deal with the shakes?

    6. LHLewis Howes1:09:15

       How do you? Yes.

    7. VGVinh Giang1:09:17

       People often say, "Oh, my voice is shaking." A- and, and you've gotta understand the reason your voice is shaking is because your body's shaking, and your body's connected to your voice, and your voice is connected to your body. So why is your body shaking? Your body's shaking is because you've been put into a fight or flight situation, which means adrenaline. And if your body has a lot of adrenaline, you naturally shake. So you've gotta manage the adrenaline, which is brisk forms of exercise before you go on stage. That's why you see the great speakers, they're-

    8. LHLewis Howes1:09:44

       Tony Robbins jumping on a trampoline.

    9. VGVinh Giang1:09:45

       Yeah, jumping on a trampoline.

    10. LHLewis Howes1:09:47

        Yeah.

    11. VGVinh Giang1:09:47

        It's why backstage before I teach, I'm also doing star jumps. You call them jumping jacks here.

    12. LHLewis Howes1:09:51

        Mm-hmm.

    13. VGVinh Giang1:09:52

        Some pushups, brisk form of walking.

    14. LHLewis Howes1:09:53

        Mm.

    15. VGVinh Giang1:09:54

        That gets rid of the adrenaline-

    16. LHLewis Howes1:09:55

        Interesting

    17. VGVinh Giang1:09:56

        ... which also gets you to breathe more deeply, so you're oxygenating your body-

    18. LHLewis Howes1:09:59

        Mm

    19. VGVinh Giang1:10:00

        ... because you're exercising. You're getting rid of the adrenaline, so your body shakes less. And if your body's not shaking, your voice doesn't shake. So I think that's, it's a simple thing to do to manage the nerves. And then what you've shared before, and I shared as well, is so you're managing your body, you're managing the nerves, you're managing the psychology. I think if you do those two things, you're in a pretty good spot.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:10:20

        Yeah.

    21. VGVinh Giang1:10:20

        'Cause now you're thinking about the audience.

    22. LHLewis Howes1:10:21

        Yes.

    23. VGVinh Giang1:10:22

        Now the adrenaline's gone, you're much more calm.

    24. LHLewis Howes1:10:24

        Yeah.

    25. VGVinh Giang1:10:24

        You're much more composed.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:10:25

        Yeah, now you just need to make sure that your preparation actually you can deliver. [laughs]

    27. VGVinh Giang1:10:28

        Well, you make sure, make, make sure you've rehearsed-

    28. LHLewis Howes1:10:30

        Yeah, rehearsed

    29. VGVinh Giang1:10:30

        ... and you've done well, and, and, yeah, that, that's another big point.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:10:33

        You've practiced it, yeah.
19. 1:11:13 – 1:19:11

    The four pillars of human connection

    1. VGVinh Giang1:11:13

       And then they help you get over the nerves that often make you unravel.

    2. LHLewis Howes1:11:16

       Mm-hmm. Your new book is called Before We For- We Forget How to Connect. In your mind, what exactly are we forgetting?

    3. VGVinh Giang1:11:23

       I see it in my kids. You probably see it in yours.

    4. LHLewis Howes1:11:25

       Yes.

    5. VGVinh Giang1:11:25

       When you look at a two-year-old, a one-year-old, when you look at them using their voice to connect with you and their body language to connect with you, it's so free. Uh, my daughter, the way she dances around the house and the way she uses her voice, uh, all the different notes, all the different volume levels, it's so free. And I feel as we grow up, we start to lose notes one or two at a time. We start to lower our volume. We start to be smaller with our body language. And a lot of it starts to disappear. And if you look at the creators that people follow the most, if you look at thought leaders that people follow the most, they've just got beautiful use of their instrument.

    6. LHLewis Howes1:12:09

       Mm-hmm.

    7. VGVinh Giang1:12:10

       Because how does my daughter connect with me? Through her instrument. A- a- and why do I find her so adorable? Why do I love her so much? Well, A, we gave birth to her, but, B, also because she's playing so... She's so connected to that inner child, and I desire what she has when she does it. It's so beautiful, right? Dancing is one of my kryptonites. So I see her dance, and I'm dancing as well, and she's loving it. She doesn't judge me, right? So I think we're losing our ability to connect because we're losing our ability to play the very instrument that creates connection, because we're using it less and less and less.

    8. LHLewis Howes1:12:41

       Mm-hmm.

    9. VGVinh Giang1:12:42

       We don't story tell as much. We don't listen to each other as much. Because the book focuses on four pillars: voice, body, storytelling, and listening. And so, so to me, it's the first two parts, voice and body, learn how to play your instrument; storytelling, learn how to write great music; listening, learn how to listen to other people's music.

    10. LHLewis Howes1:12:59

        Mm-hmm

    11. VGVinh Giang1:13:00

        So you learn how to play your songs in life, and you also learn how to deeply appreciate other people's music and make them feel heard and seen.

    12. LHLewis Howes1:13:08

        Mm.

    13. VGVinh Giang1:13:09

        So when, when I think about it in that way, I go, "Oh, that's such a wonderful metaphor of being able to create more harmony." Because if you play your instrument well, you can harmonize with others, whereas connection to me is harmony. And when I see two people not connect, it's because, man, you're, you're playing different-

    14. LHLewis Howes1:13:26

        Yeah

    15. VGVinh Giang1:13:27

        ... the music's not harmonizing.

    16. LHLewis Howes1:13:28

        They're out of alignment.

    17. VGVinh Giang1:13:29

        Yeah. Whereas when there's harmony, it's beautiful.

    18. LHLewis Howes1:13:31

        Well, I'm excited about your book, Before We Forget How to Connect. I want people to get it. If you wanna be heard, be seen, and communicate with confidence, you gotta make sure you get this book. And I wanna acknowledge you, Vinh, for reminding me and reminding us that the most powerful thing that we can have is to be connected to our inner child.

    19. VGVinh Giang1:13:48

        Yeah, it is.

    20. LHLewis Howes1:13:48

        Based on what you just said-

    21. VGVinh Giang1:13:49

        Yeah

    22. LHLewis Howes1:13:50

        ... the thing we all want-

    23. VGVinh Giang1:13:51

        Mm

    24. LHLewis Howes1:13:51

        ... is that childlike joy that our kids have.

    25. VGVinh Giang1:13:54

        Yeah, we do.

    26. LHLewis Howes1:13:55

        And I think the thing that we all grieve is the childlike joy that we've let go of-

    27. VGVinh Giang1:14:00

        Mm

    28. LHLewis Howes1:14:00

        ... inside of ourselves.

    29. VGVinh Giang1:14:02

        Yeah.

    30. LHLewis Howes1:14:02

        Because we crave wanting it-

Episode duration: 1:19:11