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Your Thoughts Will Heal or Kill You with Marisa Peer and Lewis Howes

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Marisa PeerguestLewis Howeshost

Sep 19, 20181h 16mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

80 min read · 16,123 words

0:00 – 3:57
From Aerobics Studio to Rapid Transformational Therapy
1. MPMarisa Peer
  So we have this wiring that says, "Run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar." But the very good news is you can make anything familiar.
2. LHLewis Howes
  Familiar.
3. MPMarisa Peer
  And the most important to make familiar is praising yourself. That's... If you could just do that, that in itself would change-
4. LHLewis Howes
  How so?
5. MPMarisa Peer
  ... your entire life.
6. LHLewis Howes
  How do you praise yourself? [upbeat music] Welcome, everyone, to the School of Greatness Podcast. We have Marisa Peer in the house. Good to see you.
7. MPMarisa Peer
  Thank you.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Thanks for being on here.
9. MPMarisa Peer
  Lovely to be here.
10. LHLewis Howes
  Now, you have been, uh, named Britain's, uh, best therapist by many magazines. You've worked with a lot of superstars, rock stars, celebrities, actors, athletes, Olympians, top of the top, uh, helping them overcome a lot of their challenges and be better performers. Is that right?
11. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah, that's absolutely right.
12. LHLewis Howes
  And how long have you been in this field of therapy and-
13. MPMarisa Peer
  Amazingly, uh, over 30 years.
14. LHLewis Howes
  Over 30 years?
15. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
16. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, so you must be like-
17. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
18. LHLewis Howes
  ... you started when you were about 10, 11.
19. MPMarisa Peer
  A fertilized, yeah, embryo, yeah.
20. LHLewis Howes
  Okay. That's great.
21. MPMarisa Peer
  [laughs]
22. LHLewis Howes
  Why did you get into this field in the first place?
23. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, it's very interesting. I used to teach aerobics for Jane Fonda here in-
24. LHLewis Howes
  Really?
25. MPMarisa Peer
  ... South Robertson, yeah, many moons ago.
26. LHLewis Howes
  Two blocks away.
27. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
28. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
29. MPMarisa Peer
  Two... We were looking at it this morning.
30. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
3:57 – 8:51
Symptoms Have a Role, Function and Purpose
1. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, it works by... So for instance, if you have migraines or you're obese and you go to a therapist, they want you to talk every week about how, what's it like being obese.
2. LHLewis Howes
  For years.
3. MPMarisa Peer
  "Well, uh, very distressing, actually." "And what does that feel like?" "Well, frustrating." It's like you're going to the dentist saying, "Can I come in every week and talk about-
4. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, my gosh
5. MPMarisa Peer
  ... the infection in my gum?" The dentist goes, "No, get that infection out 'cause it just does ongoing damage." So conventional therapy likes to talk a lot, and what I don't like about conventional therapy is they go, "Okay, you, you have bipolar. That's very complex, therefore the treatment is going to be very complex," and that is not-
6. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
7. MPMarisa Peer
  ... the case.
8. LHLewis Howes
  "And we're gonna take it in stages-
9. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
10. LHLewis Howes
  ... and break it down here."
11. MPMarisa Peer
  And conventional medicine-
12. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
13. MPMarisa Peer
  ... too, they treat the symptoms. Whereas when I work with someone who's bulimic and go, "What happened? What happened to you?" They go, "Well, my granddad had sex with me when I was 11 until I was 13, and I got really fat, and I never realized the connection, that I kept saying, 'I wish I could stop him looking at me like that.'"
14. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
15. MPMarisa Peer
  And the mind goes, "That's a command. You want your granddad to stop lusting after your body? I'll make your body super unattractive." And you have to unpick that. So we had someone who had-
16. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
17. MPMarisa Peer
  ... chronic migraines, and had tried everything, and she was having injections in her head. And when I asked her, 'cause we do this thing called role, function, purpose. We hypnotize someone-
18. LHLewis Howes
  Role, function-
19. MPMarisa Peer
  Function, purpose
20. LHLewis Howes
  ... purpose.
21. MPMarisa Peer
  And in hypnosis they go back and we say, "Be the headache and tell me your role." And amazingly, they do it, 'cause they're out of their thinking and into the feeling mind, and they'll say things like, "Oh, well, as long as I have those headaches I can't disappoint my dad, who always says, 'Why aren't you an overachiever like me? I spent all that money on your education. How can you just be a waitress?' But now I've got the headaches, he goes, 'Oh, my poor daughter. She could be an amazing barrister, lawyer-
22. LHLewis Howes
  But she's got this symptom-
23. MPMarisa Peer
  ... but she's got these headaches
24. LHLewis Howes
  ... that she can't control and get over."
25. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah. And then, of course, when the-
26. LHLewis Howes
  Huh
27. MPMarisa Peer
  ... when the symptom has a role, function, purpose, and an intention, it's not going anywhere.
28. LHLewis Howes
  So the r- so if someone has headaches- You would walk them through what's the role of that headache-
29. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
30. LHLewis Howes
  ... what's the function?
8:51 – 13:40
How Your Words Become Literal Commands to the Mind
1. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, I was told I could never have children. I just, when I was 17, I stopped having periods completely.
2. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
3. MPMarisa Peer
  And all the doctors said, "Well, you know, you, you have infertility, unexplained." Which I thought, "That's a good title, isn't it? Unexplained."
4. LHLewis Howes
  Unexplained.
5. MPMarisa Peer
  'Cause explained is your fallopian tubes are blocked or you don't have enough estrogen. But unexplained means everything's working. We have no idea what's going on. And so I decided to just work on myself-
6. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm
7. MPMarisa Peer
  ... and I simply wouldn't accept that. And I did get pregnant, but then they said, "Well, everything's gonna be wrong with this baby, and it's gonna have the same issues that you've got. You've got all these different hormonal thyroid issues." And, and they really freaked me out. And then when she was born, she was perfect. And they said, "Well, she's gonna be very underweight."
8. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, my gosh.
9. MPMarisa Peer
  She was seven and a half pounds. And I realized then that I was gonna stop all the medication and, and just come out of that. And then I started working with infertile women. It's so rewarding. You'd come in and go, "I can't get pregnant." And they'd always go back to, "So what's going on in this scene? I'm 15. I think I might... My dad will kill me. Oh, my God, my mom will kill herself. You know, we're Muslims-
10. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
11. MPMarisa Peer
  ... and I'm dating this white guy, and oh, my God, the shame, the terror." And the day they found out they're not pregnant they go, "Thank you, Allah. I'm so happy I'm not pregnant." [laughs] Now the mind is crystal clear. Having a baby will kill you, and not having a baby is something to celebrate. And when you repeat something to the mind enough, it just can't unravel that.
12. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
13. MPMarisa Peer
  When women say, "I've got the curse every month, and, oh, I hate this, and I wish I never had them," and then periods go away, they never kind of look at what's going on there. And so I found infertility really easy to fix.
14. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
15. MPMarisa Peer
  And then I had people with secondary infertility, which means you had a baby. You got pregnant like a high, high school girl on a date-
16. LHLewis Howes
  Right
17. MPMarisa Peer
  ... immediately. But you've been trying for seven years to get pregnant again.
18. LHLewis Howes
  Why does that not happen?
19. MPMarisa Peer
  'Cause you go home and say to your husband, "Imagine if we had a second one." "Oh, that would kill me. Oh, I'd leave you. If we had two keeping us up all night, and that that would bankrupt us. And can you imagine what a night we would like to have another one?" The mind goes, "Don't have another one." And of course you don't mean it. You don't mean it, but you go, "Quite cheerfully throw this kid out the window. The middle of the night, I could just give them away." I remember saying to someone, "Your, your baby's lovely. So come back at 2:00 AM-
20. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, my gosh
21. MPMarisa Peer
  ... you can have him." It's a joke. Like we say to our kids, "You're so lovely, I could eat you." And they think, "Really?" So, um, we say all this crazy stuff-
22. LHLewis Howes
  The mind
23. MPMarisa Peer
  ... which we know is crazy.
24. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
25. MPMarisa Peer
  But the mind says, "This is literal. This is real. You mean it." When you say, "I'm dying under my paperwork," the mind goes, "No more paperwork for you." When we say, "I'd die if my next relationship ends. If, if I got hurt like this again, it would kill me," the mind goes, "You know what? If it would kill you, why don't I just turn you into a complete bitch, and you never have another relationship again, and then it can't kill you?"
26. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
27. MPMarisa Peer
  And-
28. LHLewis Howes
  And then you'll never have love as well.
29. MPMarisa Peer
  No. No.
30. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
13:40 – 18:29
"I'm Not Enough" and the Self-Destruction of Talent
1. LHLewis Howes
  What's the thing that you see the most that people struggle with? Is it, um, a s- a stress, an overwhelm, an anxiousness, a fear of something?
2. MPMarisa Peer
  It's, it's always a belief, "I'm not enough." That's the biggest thing. In fact, I always say to all my clients, "There's only three things wrong with everyone. Everyone has got three things wrong. The number one is I'm not enough. The second one is I'm different, so I can't connect, and the third is I really want something, like freedom from depression or success, but it's not available." But I'm not enough is the biggest.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  I mean, I've worked with hundreds of thousands of addicts. I've never found one ever that ever believed they're enough. And if we look at the key addictions, shopping, binging on food, binging on alcohol, binging-
5. LHLewis Howes
  Sex
6. MPMarisa Peer
  ... on drugs-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Porn
8. MPMarisa Peer
  ... sex, sex especially-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Food
10. MPMarisa Peer
  ... porn, all of those things come from a feeling of emptiness inside because we're taught, "Oh, you feel a feeling? Why don't you eat some donuts?"
11. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
12. MPMarisa Peer
  "Or go onto eBay and buy, or Amazon, buy something"-
13. LHLewis Howes
  A drink or-
14. MPMarisa Peer
  ... "or have a drink." And our feelings are the most real thing we have, and we push them down, and we find all this stuff to buy or eat or drink or take to keep us, like John Lennon said, comfortably numb.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
16. MPMarisa Peer
  But then the feelings regroup and come back, 'cause they've always got a job to do. And I always say to my clients, "Look, you gotta feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt. You can't eat it or drink it or shop it away." But we're all taught that we can and should.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  So I'm not enough is the biggest problem I see. I mean, if you look at Amy Winehouse or George Michael or Whitney Houston or Philip Seymour Hoffman, immense talent, a gift, beauty.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Why didn't they feel like they were enough, though? What was-
20. MPMarisa Peer
  Well-
21. LHLewis Howes
  When the world says, "You are enough"-
22. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah, yeah
23. LHLewis Howes
  ... "I'm gonna celebrate you. You're gonna have-
24. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
25. LHLewis Howes
  ... everything you want. We're gonna talk about you constantly"-
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... "stroke your ego"-
28. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
29. LHLewis Howes
  ... "pay you a ton of money," how come they still can't get over that they're not enough?
30. MPMarisa Peer
  That is great question. There's a couple of things. First of all, if you're Amy Winehouse and someone says, "Write a song," and you write Back to Black in five minutes, they give you $8 million, it's what I call the self-destructiveness of talent. "I didn't earn that." It's a bit like a lottery winner. "I didn't work for that. I gotta get rid of it."
18:29 – 26:15
Feel the Feeling Until It No Longer Needs to Be Felt
1. LHLewis Howes
  Why do we, why should we do that? So give me an example of a feeling.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Okay. So let's imagine you, you and your ex-wife are not getting on, and you have a feeling of rage about the fact that she's trying to get your kid to call a new guy Daddy, and she's blocking you out, and you feel so angry. You think, "Well, I mustn't feel angry, you know, she's doing it for the interest of my kid," or... And so I just drink the anger, and I drink the anger. And you see, with a feeling, it's the most real thing you have. A feeling is like-
3. LHLewis Howes
  The only thing, yeah
4. MPMarisa Peer
  ... a little kid in a class going, "Notice me. I'm over here."
5. LHLewis Howes
  [clears throat]
6. MPMarisa Peer
  And if you don't, they get more and more out of control. And so when you don't acknowledge-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm
8. MPMarisa Peer
  ... your feelings, they regroup, and they regroup until they become outrage, rage coming out, and then suddenly they go a bit crazy in the car park of the store or the line of a store because the mind says, "I've got all this rage, wants to come out. Someone just cut into the line. Take it out on them." And it's so ineffective 'cause I have something I call triple A, which is be aware of your feeling. Most people have no idea what they feel. They go, "I shouldn't feel jealous. I shouldn't feel envious. I shouldn't be furious with this kid who's keeping me up all night." So they're not aware of it. They certainly can't accept, and they never get to articulate. But if you can say, "You know, my wife's a good person, but actually I'm furious with what she's doing. It really hurts my feelings." That's why group therapy in places like AA, the good thing is you-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
10. MPMarisa Peer
  ... get to say, "Sometimes I could quite cheerfully, um, hurt my wife. I'm not going to, but I feel like it." "But oh, yeah, I feel like that, too." 'Cause when you can express your feeling, it goes away.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
12. MPMarisa Peer
  Goes away immediately. But when you-
13. LHLewis Howes
  When you communicate it, yeah.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah, even to yourself. So if your mother-in-law is the absolute bitch from hell-
15. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
16. MPMarisa Peer
  ... and you can't say, "By the way, Dorothy, you are the [laughs] most horrible mother-in-law in the world," but you just go and shut yourself in the bathroom, turn on the taps, flutter to it, and say, "Dorothy is a really unpleasant mother-in-law." And one of my-
17. LHLewis Howes
  You feel better just by doing it-
18. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah, you feel so much better-
19. LHLewis Howes
  ... and get it out, yeah
20. MPMarisa Peer
  ... because you're not saying it to them. It's like feelings are like gas. They're in or they're out, and they hurt much more when you keep them in, and you wanna let them out. I mean, gas, I mean, obviously you aren't in the middle of a meeting, but-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Right
22. MPMarisa Peer
  ... when you keep stuff in, it causes you pain. And one of my amazing therapists said, "My mother-in-law really was the mother-in-law from hell, and I could never say anything 'cause my husband was the golden boy. But after I trained with her, I started to say, 'You know, Brenda, you're a really unhappy person, and I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but I just feel so bad.'" And Brenda finally said to me, "You know-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm
24. MPMarisa Peer
  ... I've been bulimic for 32 years."
25. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
26. MPMarisa Peer
  "Nobody knows. Could you help me?" She completely transformed that woman in two sessions. Never been bulimic since. And now she says she likes me more than her son now.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  I'm now the daughter-in-law from heaven. I've got a big halo.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  But when we keep everything in, it does so much damage. It's like with little kids, they get angry, and we shout at them. They go, "Oh, my anger makes you angry."
26:15 – 31:47
Familiar vs. Unfamiliar and the Power of Self-Praise
1. MPMarisa Peer
  But then you have to understand a bit more of psychology, because humans are hardwired to recreate what they know. We like what's familiar, even if that's very-
2. LHLewis Howes
  Even if it's negative. Yeah
3. MPMarisa Peer
  ... even if it's very bad. If I've never had money and I win the lottery, I'm gonna get rid of it all. If I've never had love and you love me, I'm gonna reject you-
4. LHLewis Howes
  Sabotage, yeah
5. MPMarisa Peer
  ... because it's so unfamiliar. If I've had a dad who calls me an idiot and worthless, guess what kind of guy I like? That's it, because when I meet them, I go, "Oh, I feel like I've known this guy my whole life. We just clicked." And then you think, "Oh, my God, it's 'cause he's my dad. But now I've been sleeping with him for six months. I don't know what to do with that now." Because we are wired to like what is familiar and to resist what's unfamiliar, and that's what kept us alive. When we lived in walled cities, we didn't go, "I'm a bit bored with this group. I think I'll go outside the walled city and find another tribe," 'cause they might have killed you.
6. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
7. MPMarisa Peer
  So we have this wiring that says, "Run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar." But the very good news is you can make anything familiar.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Familiar.
9. MPMarisa Peer
  And the most important thing to make familiar is praising yourself. That's... If you could just do that, that in itself would change-
10. LHLewis Howes
  How so? How do you pr-
11. MPMarisa Peer
  ... your entire life.
12. LHLewis Howes
  How do you praise yourself?
13. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, you get up in the morning and go, "I'm a good person. I have a skill. I have a talent. I have something to offer the world. I'm here for a reason." You look in the mirror and go, "Oh, there you are. You're a good person. You got a good heart." You know, the, the most important way to answer that question is this. What did you always want your dad to tell you? Even if you never had a dad.
14. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
15. MPMarisa Peer
  If you'd had a dad, a good dad, what would he have said?
16. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
17. MPMarisa Peer
  What would your mom have said? What would a nice teacher have said to you? And it would be something like this. "I'm proud of you. You're a good son. I'm so glad I'm your dad. How lucky I got to have you."
18. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
19. MPMarisa Peer
  And a teacher would say, "You're such a smart kid. What a joy it is to teach you, 'cause you're smart." And we all wanna hear the same stuff. "I love you. I'm proud of you. You're interesting. You're a great..." Nobody needs to hear, "I'm the best dentist in Beverly Hills," because that doesn't work.
20. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
21. MPMarisa Peer
  It's emotions. And many of my clients, their mother might be dead, but they're still trying to get her to approve of them.
22. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
23. MPMarisa Peer
  Dad's living in another country, but they're still working to make him like them. And you know, the most-
24. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
25. MPMarisa Peer
  ... important thing is you like you. So whatever you wanted to hear, say it to yourself, 'cause your mind doesn't even know that it's coming. And it also doesn't care. Your mind doesn't care if what you tell it is right or wrong or true or false, or even if it's good or bad. It lets it in like ChapStick on your lips. Your lips don't go, "Is this organic? Fair trade?"
26. LHLewis Howes
  No. [laughs]
27. MPMarisa Peer
  Just lets it in. It, it needs a bit of nourishment, and we need some nourishment.
28. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
29. MPMarisa Peer
  And words are very nourishing. And there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise.
30. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
31:47 – 36:07
Fear of Rejection and Why You Can't Be Rejected
1. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. It's fascinating. I'm, I'm so glad you're talking about this 'cause it, we have a similar philosophy and, and a lot of people that come to me are afraid of certain things.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  And at an early age, I was afraid of a lot of things.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  I was afraid to talk to girls as a, you know-
6. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... as a 12-year-old. I was afraid of speaking in public. I was afraid of dancing.
8. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm. Yeah.
9. LHLewis Howes
  I was afraid of all these things, right? And I got, got so sick and tired of being afraid that I just said-
10. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm-hmm
11. LHLewis Howes
  ... "I'm going to give myself a challenge."
12. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm-hmm.
13. LHLewis Howes
  "Every day," you know, when I had a... When I was afraid of girls, I was like-
14. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm
15. LHLewis Howes
  ... "Every time I see a girl that gives me butterflies, I'm going to go up to them-
16. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
17. LHLewis Howes
  ... and start a conversation." And it's terrifying, and I'm sweating, and I'm stumbling over-
18. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm
19. LHLewis Howes
  ... my words, and people rejected me the first few times, but I just kept doing it until-
20. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
21. LHLewis Howes
  ... a girl said, "Hi."
22. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
23. LHLewis Howes
  "Nice to see you." And you get a little confidence-
24. MPMarisa Peer
  Sure
25. LHLewis Howes
  ... until, you know, by the end of the summer-
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... when I was a teenager, it was like every girl was talking to me.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  Of course.
29. LHLewis Howes
  And I tell people you got to embrace the fear until the fear disappears.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm. Yeah.
36:07 – 45:30
Five Ways to Not Let Criticism In
1. LHLewis Howes
  How does someone not let it affect them? How does someone say, "Okay, it can- it really can hurt"?
2. MPMarisa Peer
  As to that, such a great question. So if someone just comes in and goes, "I hate that shirt," or, "That, that color is so not you," or, "You should never have cut your hair," or, "Whoa, you've got a bit heavy," you just go, "Thanks for sharing that." Just a really simple-
3. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
4. MPMarisa Peer
  ... thing which says, "Thank you for sharing your opinion, which I can choose to not let in." You don't have to do anything else.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
6. MPMarisa Peer
  When the minute you go, "Well, your shirt's pretty awful," or, "Look at your hair," or calling me heavy, "You look, you, you look anorexic," you've let it in, and now you're trying to retaliate, and it's like a game of tennis. If you put down your racket and walk off the court, you can't volley. So the first thing-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
8. MPMarisa Peer
  ... to say is, "Thanks for sharing that."
9. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  And it's very good for the little barbs we get from people, family, friends, sisters, cousins, exes.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
12. MPMarisa Peer
  Um, if someone is really mean and says, "You know, I listened to your talk on YouTube. Oh, my God, you stank up the place."
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  "I was embarrassed for you," then you go back and you say, "I, I missed that. Could you repeat that for me slowly?" They will usually not bother because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly, you're gonna call them out on it.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
16. MPMarisa Peer
  And they usually go, "Oh, me and my big mouth. I'm just having a bad... I didn't actually really watch it anyway. Just ignore me." And if they do, you must not go after them and go, "No, I want you to just repeat it right now. Say it to my face." Don't do that because a bit like a lion who bares their teeth, they're saying, "Back off and I don't want to attack you." When a lion bares its teeth, you don't go up to it, you walk away. It gives you a chance to retract. So saying, "Could you repeat that slowly?"
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  Is giving the person a chance to retract. They almost always do, but occasionally they'll come back and go, "No, I just said you're so wooden as a speaker, it's an insult to wood."
19. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
20. MPMarisa Peer
  And then you have your third reaction, which is, "Oh, are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Amazing."
21. LHLewis Howes
  Oh.
22. MPMarisa Peer
  They usually go, "No. No, me? No, I thought I should tell you how bad you are, 'cause you need to get help or never speak in public again," or... I mean, I had a nanny once who was so awful. And I had to say to her, "Darling, you're wonderful, but you're not meant to be a nanny." And I didn't criticize her, I just advised her to go and do something else, and we're still friends. So sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the humor are a good way to give you a message. So when you say, "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" They often say, "No." When you're being bullied at school, if you said- They go, "Yeah, I really am. I want to hurt your feelings."
23. LHLewis Howes
  Why is that?
24. MPMarisa Peer
  'Cause that's the point, dummy.
25. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Why? Because it's a domination.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  Bullying is just dominating. It's a bit like a seesaw. The bully feels they're at the bottom and you're above them, and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little seesaw.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Ah. So they feel inferior.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
45:30 – 50:43
Words as Blueprints: How Language Shapes Body and Reality
1. LHLewis Howes
  What do you s- what do you think is your greatest challenge that you face internally, personal challenge, as someone who's helped thousand- tens of thousands of people personally?
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Um, my greatest challenge.
3. LHLewis Howes
  You understand all this stuff.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah. I s- I suppose it's not a challenge to get more people to understand it, 'cause people need it. You know, we all need to be nourished. You know, we need int- we need nourishment. Our soul needs to be nourished. It's not about organic avocados from Erwan Market. That's great, but we all need this emotional nourishment. So is it a challenge getting more people to accept it? I don't think it is, 'cause everyone I see go, "Oh my God, I love that." And some people go, "You know, I, I listened to you and thought, oh, that's rubbish, but then I found myself going into the garage and saying nice stuff to myself." So maybe my only challenge, but even then it's not a challenge, is I would say half the medical profession love what I do and really go for it and go, "Oh my God, this is amazing. I'm using it with my own patients." The other half go, "This is all silly. You know, illness is caused by disease."
5. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
6. MPMarisa Peer
  "That you can't talk yourself better. Talking to yourself doesn't make any difference. You can't possibly give birth just using positive affirmations." It's like if, if you had cancer and you had a very good oncologist who might go, "Look, you know, the way you think, the way you eat, the way you act, the way you rest can all affect." And they'll go, "Nope, you got cancer. Chemotherapy. There's nothing else that will work, and all that stuff is hocus pocus."
7. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
8. MPMarisa Peer
  So that is a challenge.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  But it's not so much, 'cause I find so many doctors love what I do and go, "Wow, you know, all these illnesses are autoimmune illnesses." Many years ago, there was a wonderful psychiatrist in London called Dr. Maudsley, and he had a great expression. It's always been my favorite, and it says, "The feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep." So he knew-
11. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
12. MPMarisa Peer
  ... a hundred years ago.
13. LHLewis Howes
  That's beautiful.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  So beautiful and so true.
15. LHLewis Howes
  The feeling that-
16. MPMarisa Peer
  Cannot find its expression in tears will cause other organs to weep.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Pain. Yeah.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  So he's sort of saying, if you don't feel the feeling-
19. LHLewis Howes
  Your body will eventually-
20. MPMarisa Peer
  ... your body's gonna feel it. If you don't open your mouth and say, "You hurt me," don't be surprised if you get a screaming... People go, "I've got this screaming headache. I've got this angry red rash. I've got this thumping pain." And by the words they're using, angry-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
22. MPMarisa Peer
  ... screaming, they're saying, "I have rage that can't come out."
23. LHLewis Howes
  I'm not expressing it, but it's come-
24. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
25. LHLewis Howes
  ... expressed through my body.
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah, 'cause the body is very clever at finding something.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  People... I worked with someone who couldn't walk, and all she ever said, "I can't stand that. I can't stand my ex. I can't stand my life. I can't stand my kids." I said, "And you can't stand up. Isn't that interesting?"
29. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, wow.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  She had sort of phantom leg pains because she couldn't stand anything. Bulimics will all say, "Well, what makes me sick is my sister-in-law. Oh, I'm so sick of her. She just makes me sick. I vomit in my mouth every time I hear her voice." And then they wonder [laughs] why they're bulimic.
50:43 – 54:51
Reframing, Choosing and Manifesting Change
1. LHLewis Howes
  But on the flip side of this, the beautiful part, if we, you know, when we understand and, and appreciate that our thoughts become reality-
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah. Are things, yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... we can create the life of our dreams as well.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  Absolutely.
5. LHLewis Howes
  We can start to manifest our thoughts by-
6. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... by visualizing, by telling ourselves what we want, who we want to become-
8. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... and then taking those actions toward it. We can manifest our dreams.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  You really can. You can stop being ill. You can change the shape of your body. You can change-
11. LHLewis Howes
  Change your relationships
12. MPMarisa Peer
  ... your digestion.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  You can have physical things. You can change the way you interact with your kids, the way they... So here's a good example. "My kid is a nightmare." Change that to, "My child is age appropriate."
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. There you go.
16. MPMarisa Peer
  That's it. This... A builder's not gonna go, "Oh my god, that's a disaster." But a good builder will go, "It's a challenge." When you said, "Talking to girls is terrifying," you just change that to, "It's challenging."
17. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  But hey, there's hundreds of girls out there.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. Right.
20. MPMarisa Peer
  It's a numbers game. One will say yes.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Someone will say hi, yeah.
22. MPMarisa Peer
  And even if they say no, the only risk in life is not to take the risk.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh.
24. MPMarisa Peer
  That's the risk. If you don't take... When you take the risk and it goes wrong, you learn something.
25. LHLewis Howes
  It gives you feedback-
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
27. LHLewis Howes
  ... for how to show up differently the next time.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  Sure.
29. LHLewis Howes
  My girlfriend's a doctor of physical therapy, and when she works on people, she would agree with everything you're saying because people's bodies are so tight-
30. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
54:51 – 59:40
Marisa's Daily Mindset and Routines
1. LHLewis Howes
  What do you, uh, struggle with telling your mind? Is there anything that you... When you practice all the time, I guess.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Um, it took me a long time to tell my mind not to eat sugar.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Oh.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  I still look at it and go, "It looks so nice."
5. LHLewis Howes
  That's me.
6. MPMarisa Peer
  But, um-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Sugar is-
8. MPMarisa Peer
  ... I still look at candy. The other day I was really tired and sort of went into a shop to get a coffee.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  And they had jars of jellies and I thought, "I could eat all of those."
11. LHLewis Howes
  All of it.
12. MPMarisa Peer
  But I'm choosing not to.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Oh.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  And I just had the coffee. So working out, you know, and we're on a schedule. Sometimes just finding the time to go to the gym or do yoga or making the time. Yeah, that's probably the only two, really eating healthy food all the time, even on a plane, even sometimes-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
16. MPMarisa Peer
  ... where there is no healthy food. Then you've got to wait, and choosing to make myself exercise when I don't want to. But other than that, nothing really, 'cause I'm... I couldn't do what I do unless I was really good at dialoguing with my... My mind is my best friend. It's my, the best PA I've ever had, and it does what I want, 'cause I give it clear instructions.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. What do you say to yourself on a daily basis? Is there, like, a process in the morning, afternoon-
18. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
19. LHLewis Howes
  ... and night? Or what would it be like?
20. MPMarisa Peer
  Actually, when I wake up, the first thing I always say is, "I love my life. I love my linen, and I love my cup of tea." I always wake up going, "I love my life." And then when I make my... I go, "I love this tea."
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
22. MPMarisa Peer
  "I love the coffee. I love the shower gel in my shower." Because I, I really believe that if you can make your mind get excited by little things, then big things, every day is like Christmas. And I think when you wake up, you shouldn't go, "Oh, what have I got today? Oh, a world of stress. I've got this, this, this, this, this." So you should always wake up and go, "I love my life. I'm alive in a free country. I've got all this stuff to make tea, and life is great." So I do that.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
24. MPMarisa Peer
  The second thing I do is I tend to stay in bed and do all my emails, 'cause then I feel like I'm not working.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. That's true.
26. MPMarisa Peer
  'Cause I'm in bed propped up drinking my tea, and I get all of that-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Relaxed
28. MPMarisa Peer
  ... out of the way. Yes, very relaxed.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Not stressed. It's more relaxed.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  Not stressed. I try not to have to rush to go to places, but sometimes I do. And, um, I mean, I'm very lucky, 'cause I love what I do, and I do... People say, "You work really hard." I go, "I've never worked a day in my life."
59:40 – 1:02:49
Facing Cancer with Belief and Perspective
1. LHLewis Howes
  Was there ever something in the last 10 years that questioned everything that you've done or that questioned your ability to say, "I love my life"? You know, something occurs to you.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, I, I did get very sick, like, a year ago.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  And I thought, "Wow, how could that happen?" You know, I'm so happy and positive and eat well. So I was a bit surprised when I got sick. But then I thought, "Well-
5. LHLewis Howes
  How did you get through that?
6. MPMarisa Peer
  The same thing.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
8. MPMarisa Peer
  The thinking, the belief. I decided I'd focus on massive healing. I kept telling my body that it was a cancer-fighting machine. It was making all these NK killer cells. And I did actually go home the next day. I was on stage a week later. And my doctor was like, "Wow, you've become the poster girl for just getting on with your life." And now I look at one particular, um, YouTube and think, "That's so bizarre. I had, like, major surgery just a week before that." And you'd never know. But, um, again, it, it's the, it's the belief. I decided I do wellness. I said to the hospital, "I, I need to go home. I want..." And I went home. I got into my own bed. I watched, um, Ray Donovan. And I was like, "This is it. I'm doing wellness here. I'm not gonna lie in that bed-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
10. MPMarisa Peer
  ... where they keep trying to give you pills."
11. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
12. MPMarisa Peer
  And I didn't feel any pain at all, 'cause I just kept telling my body to heal itself.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  And then later I thought, "Maybe it's good I got that, because I can help other people." And I go, "Look, you know- It, y- y- life throws stuff at you, but you get to choose how to deal with it.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
16. MPMarisa Peer
  And even then, I noticed that I was very positive, 'cause I, you know, I had actually got womb cancer. I thought, "Well, what a stroke of luck to get womb cancer. I don't need a womb. It's done its job. I've had a great kid." I talked to my womb and said, "Thanks for giving me this great kid, but now, I've got to get rid of you-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
18. MPMarisa Peer
  ... 'cause I've got to stay here and raise this great kid."
19. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
20. MPMarisa Peer
  And I thought, "That's good." I mean, imagine if you get brain cancer or bone cancer. I felt very lucky it was a disposable organ that'd done a great job. I didn't need it. And so, I think once you become like that, it's just who you are. So I never had, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die," 'cause I thought, "No, I'm, I'm not going anywhere."
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
22. MPMarisa Peer
  And-
23. LHLewis Howes
  It's all perspective, yeah.
24. MPMarisa Peer
  It is all perspective. I mean, I still... You know, people would say to me, "But I thought you were so healthy. How could you get that?" As it turns out, I s- I have some, that same gene that Angelina Jolie has.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
26. MPMarisa Peer
  But, but then of course, Bruce Lipton would tell you, you can turn off a gene. You can, you can mentally remove that gene. So even with adversity, 'cause it's quite good in a way, because people think, "Oh, your life's just, you're like Pollyanna, just tripping along, having a wonderful life." That's not true. I've still had adversity. But, uh, your mind will always kick in when it's well-trained-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
28. MPMarisa Peer
  ... to go, "This is a blip. Just, it's just a blip. Just carry on."
29. LHLewis Howes
  That's it.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  And so, you, you got to train your mind like you train a horse. You know, I say your mind's like a Ferrari, and if you've never driven a Ferrari, it's gonna go all over the place. But if you have Ferrari driving lessons, you're gonna run that Ferrari. The Ferrari should not be running you. If you get on a horse you've never ridden, it's gonna go everywhere. But if you have some horse riding skills, you say, "Go there"-
1:02:49 – 1:11:00
The Book #iamenough and Working with RTT
1. LHLewis Howes
  You're fascinating. I love this. And you've got a book, uh, coming out right now called #iamenough, uh, Mark Your Mirror and Change Your Life. Tell me a little bit about this.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Well, that's been my life's work, mark your mirror and change your life. It was actually lipstick your mirror-
3. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh
4. MPMarisa Peer
  ... and change your life, because I used to teach people to write on their mirror, I'm enough. Um, one of my graduates was saying that the removal man that was removing it said, "Why have you got that on your mirror?" And she told him. He went, "I need a session with you this week." And my plumber was saying, "Why have you got that on your mirror?" And I said, "Well, you know, everybody wants to change the world, but that's a big ask. I want to change people-
5. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
6. MPMarisa Peer
  ... one soul at a time." And I am enough changes people. People write to me and say, "It's just three words, but oh my God, the difference it's made." And so, I told my plumber, and he came back and said, "You know, I had this really nerdy, unhappy son. He's now still nerdy, but he's a happy nerd. Got a happy nerdy girlfriend. He's c- a great happy nerdy club. My wife, who is in the menopause, is so different, 'cause we've got it on the fridge, on the mirrors." And a lot of parents write to me and say, "Wow, I put that in my kid's bathroom and had them say it, and they've just suddenly become bulletproof against being bullied."
7. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
8. MPMarisa Peer
  And so, I've al- always been in love with the I am enough, because when you're a therapist, you're always working with what lies beneath. What lies beneath these people's problems? And it's always the same. "I don't feel smart enough, rich enough, good enough." And when you say things like, "I'm a rock star," your mind goes, "You're not really a rock star, 'cause come on, you live in a shared apartment, and you've got a car that's 11 years old. You shop in Target."
9. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, right.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  "That's not a rock star. I'm a goddess." But you're not really a goddess-
11. LHLewis Howes
  Right
12. MPMarisa Peer
  ... because you've got cellulite. But when you say I am enough-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Oh
14. MPMarisa Peer
  ... its strength is its simplicity and its honesty. Because you are enough. You're not your weight, your shape, your size, your bank account, your childhood-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Your race. Yeah
16. MPMarisa Peer
  ... you're enough. And the thing is, when you say it and really say it, speak it, and let it in, people pick up your enough-ness and believe it. So within that book, you'll see that we get people to change their passwords so they contain I am enough. Obviously, with some letters and numbers and squiggles. We can't all have I am enough.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  It'd be a hacker's dream come true.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
20. MPMarisa Peer
  But you write it all over your mirrors. You put it on your fridge, in fridge... You put it-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Your phone
22. MPMarisa Peer
  ... on your screen. You have your phone alerts go off twice a day. And when you type it out in your passwords, when you write it, read it, say it, think it, it goes in and does the most incredible work.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
24. MPMarisa Peer
  Because when you feel enough, you can talk to people. You don't risk rejection, 'cause you can't be rejected. You take risks. People say, "But if I'm enough, then I'll just lie on the sofa and eat potato chips." No. When you know you're enough, you think, "I'm enough. I'm gonna build this, um, company, get a raise, get a promotion, uh, release my book. Um, I'm going to invent this thing I've had-
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
26. MPMarisa Peer
  ... in my head for years. I'm gonna ask that girl or guy out. I'm gonna stand up to my kid's teacher who I think is terrifying me," 'cause they're not terrifying. So I am enough just opens so many doors-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
28. MPMarisa Peer
  ... and makes you like yourself. 'Cause if you don't like yourself, nothing counts. Nothing you have is enough, and that's what's behind so many people. We think of everything. You become suicidal.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  But I am enough, it, its strength is its simplicity, but also its absolute truthfulness, because everyone's enough. And the minute you know it, the whole world knows it, and they treat you differently. You see, we think, "I'll buy a Porsche, and then I'm gonna say, 'Look, I'm enough. I got a Porsche.'"
1:11:00 – 1:16:09
Three Truths and Definition of Greatness
1. LHLewis Howes
  This is a question I ask everyone at the end. It's called the three truths.
2. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm-hmm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  So I want you to imagine you get to pick the day that it's your last day on Earth.
4. MPMarisa Peer
  Okay.
5. LHLewis Howes
  It could be as far away as you want it to be. And you've achieved everything you want, or you've created everything you want. All the books, the talks.
6. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Hundreds of thousands of therapists have taken-
8. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... your program. Whatever you want, you've created it.
10. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm-hmm.
11. LHLewis Howes
  But for whatever reason, you've gotta take all of your work with you-
12. MPMarisa Peer
  Mm-hmm
13. LHLewis Howes
  ... on this last day.
14. MPMarisa Peer
  Right.
15. LHLewis Howes
  It's a celebration, but you gotta take it with you. And all you get to do is write down on a piece of paper the three things you know to be true about all of your experiences, these three lessons-
16. MPMarisa Peer
  Okay
17. LHLewis Howes
  ... that then you would share with the world, since there's nothing else that they have access to.
18. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
19. LHLewis Howes
  What would you say are your three truths?
20. MPMarisa Peer
  I think that would be, you're always enough, and never forget it, because when you know it, the whole world knows it, and the world will believe what you believe about you. I'd also say, you make your beliefs and then your beliefs make you, and then you go out into the world and it starts to mirror whatever you believe. So make your beliefs amazing. Make your beliefs good. If you believe that dogs bite you, you make that belief and then you act badly around dogs, and then dogs pick up your anxiety and they do bite you, 'cause you've made them nervous.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
22. MPMarisa Peer
  If you believe dogs are wonderful and loyal and man's best... Oh, I love dogs. The dog will love you because our beliefs, our thoughts become feelings, and they resonate out from us and back to us, events that always match up our thoughts and beliefs. And when you know that, all you have to do is change your thoughts and beliefs and make them positive. It's like, "There's not enough money." There's enough money for-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
24. MPMarisa Peer
  ... everyone. There's more than enough. But your belief that, "Well, if I have more, you get less, and spiritual shouldn't ask for money, and it's arrogant, and I'm not worth it," if you make that belief, that's your blueprint. Why don't you make a belief that, "If I have more money, other people get to benefit, too, and there's more than enough for everyone"? 'Cause there really is.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. Powerful.
26. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
28. MPMarisa Peer
  And true.
29. LHLewis Howes
  And true. If you believe it to be true.
30. MPMarisa Peer
  Yeah.