The Mel Robbins Podcast2 Ways to Take Your Power Back When You Feel Insecure | The Mel Robbins Podcast
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100 min read · 20,211 words- 0:00 – 1:30
Real-time dilemma: When your crush starts crushing on your friend
- MRMel Robbins
(ticking sound) (intro music) I am so excited to talk to you today, because there is something unfolding in real time with one of our daughters who lives out in Los Angeles, and she's 21 years old. She's sitting in a class, texting me, and it is an issue that I know that you can relate to or someone in your life is going through this right now. She is literally blowing up my phone with texts because she doesn't know what to do. What is the topic? (sigh) Wow. Well, the topic is this: what do you do when somebody that you have been hooking up with and had a huge crush on suddenly starts having a crush on one of your friends? That's what's going down in real time. I've got text messages. When she gets out of class, I am gonna try to track her down and get her to unpack this with you and me in real time live. And, um, before I jump into the text messages and we get into this topic of being in the middle of an emotional tsunami where you find yourself starting to lose yourself, and you are trying so hard to get your own power back
- 1:30 – 4:31
Why this podcast exists (and how viewers can shape it)
- MRMel Robbins
as you've been blindsided by somebody that you like liking somebody else, before we get into that, I just want to take a minute, thank you. I mean, your feedback about just the handful of episodes that we have put out so far on the Mel Robbins Podcast has blown me away. This is a brand new show, we are a small show, and we are becoming a mighty show because of you. And I wanted to do this podcast, I said in the very beginning, because I wanted to share my life in a more intimate and real time way with you, in a way that I can't do in audiobooks and on YouTube, or in the short form content that you see on social media. I wanted to go deeper into the everyday stuff that knocks us on our ass, or that, uh, gives us hope and inspiration. And, um, every time you share an episode or I see you posting them and sharing them, uh, on your social media pages, you are helping to create a ripple effect of change. So many of us want to make a difference in the world, and if you hear something on this show that moves you, that inspires you, that empowers you, that makes you laugh, that makes you feel a little bit less alone, and you share it with somebody else, you are part of a force for good and for fun. And so, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, for giving me your most precious commodity, which is your time and your trust. And together, we are gonna do incredible things, and we are just getting started. Now, that said, so many of you are also blowing up my DMs on Instagram, and comments on TikTok, and the comments on YouTube and Messenger and on Facebook, and hitting the inbox. So, I want to tell you something. I want you to help me program this show, and so please, if you got ideas, if when you listen to the Mel Robbins Podcast you're like, "Oh my gosh, I got an idea for Mel," please go to melrobbins.com/podcast. That's right, go to my website, melrobbins.com/podcast, and right there you will see that there are two forms that we have created just for you. One of the forms is a form for you to recommend an expert, an author, a friend, somebody that you would love for me, Mel Robbins, to dig deeper with, uh, on some subject that you care about. That's form number one. Form number two is topics, baby. Give me your topics, whether it's a problem you're facing and you need advice, or there's something that you just wish that we would take our secret sauce of entertaining, unpacking, uh, advice and go to work researching this topic for you and bringing you the most entertaining, science-backed, and relatable way to approach the things that you're dealing with. So that said, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. I believe in
- 4:31 – 8:30
Kendall’s backstory: music collaboration, hookup history, and the ‘new friend’
- MRMel Robbins
you. I love, uh, having your partnership and support. It means everything to me, and it provides so much motivation for our team to go even deeper, get more creative, and keep showing up for you. So, I love you. Thank you. All right, now, (laughs) let's get into this topic, okay? So, I am in Salt Lake City, and I'm about to give a speech, and as I landed, uh, here in Salt Lake City, my phone, when it came back online, started to blow up, and it was text messages from our daughter who is a senior in college. Her name is Kendall, and, um, she is a music student, and she aspires to be a singer-songwriter. And that piece of information is important, because it relates to the heartbreak, the confusion, and the entanglement issues she is going through. So, what is the issue? The issue is she, uh, was really interested in, uh, somebody in her program, and they were collaborating as musicians, they were hooking up, they had a really fun relationship, they really cared about each other, and as these things do, it kind of fizzled out. And recently, there has been a new friend that has come into her life that's also a musician that has been extremely helpful in collaboration, and, uh, Ken's all excited, and in fact, a week ago, she called me and said, "You're never gonna believe this. I met the coolest woman." She wants to do sessions together, she wants to work on music together. "I feel so energized." And now, Kendall's texting me, because she found out a piece of information yesterday-... and it has rocked her world. So let me find... Of course, I do not have this teed up for you. Uh, you can tell this is real time, because I'm like, "Oh my God, I did not, I did not actually prepare," because this is unfold- Oh, here she goes. Okay, found it. So at 11:43 AM, my daughter texts me and says, "Mom, I gotta call you later. I found out some tea, and I'm hashtag sad." And then I said, "Let me guess. Brendan has a girlfriend, that's her high school sweetheart who they've both committed to marrying each other if they're both single, still in their 30s. Is that it? Tell me the tea. I just got off a plane." She says, "No. Ha ha ha ha ha. Remember how I told you my friend wants to help me book sessions and do management stuff?" "Yep." "And come on, you are a tease when it comes to this kind of stuff. Lay it on me." "Sorry, I'm in class." Basically, it's a long story, but she now has a crush on... I'm gonna make up a name, 'cause I don't, um, want to disclose their names. Uh, she has a crush on... What name should we use, everybody?
- CRChristopher Robbins
Steve.
- MRMel Robbins
Steve. She has a crush on Steve. Steve? Do people name their kids Steve anymore? Steve. Okay. Basically, it's a long story, but she has a crush on Steve, and he has a crush on her, 'cause they've done a few sessions together, 'cause she needed help on a song she wrote for a class. And I just know that this is the universe giving me a test, because the fact that she just waltzed into my life, wants to be a bigger part of my life, and she just so happens to be now developing a crush on this boy I have history with and have made really good music with, this, Mom, is not a coincidence. But I'll admit, I did have a big, ugly cry last night, 'cause she's fucking gorgeous, and they haven't even hooked up yet, and he's already telling our friend (beep) that he's crushing on this girl too. Like, bro, we hooked up for six months, and he never said those words to (beep) . So now, I just feel like he was only in it with
- 8:30 – 12:01
Mel practices a new parenting skill: pause, connect, don’t fix
- MRMel Robbins
me for the sex, like wow. Now, I have to give myself some props. I have been working on not trying to jump in and solve my kids' problems. This is so hard for me to do. My anxiety and my need to fix things and my need to make sure my kids are okay has me typically, in this situation, jump in and be like, "Here's what you need to do, and here..." Da-da-da-da. But I have been working on using my own five-second rule, count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, put yourself in pause, and then I choose a different response. And my response now is to not correct a situation, but to seek connection. And so I put myself in pause. I'm so proud of myself for this. You've got to try this with the people in your life. And instead of offering a solution, I just offered connection and said, "Well, that fucking sucks. I hate it when the universe does that." And then she said, like, "What am I supposed to make of this, Mom?" I put myself in pause (laughs) . I did not offer a solution, and I said, "I don't know. What do you think you're supposed to make of this?" Can we just say, good job, Mel Robbins. Like, I feel like, okay, this is a huge leap in my parenting skills. She says, "Well, it almost feels like a test." And then I say, "Do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking?" And she says, "Yes." And I said, "I agree. I think it's a test about how serious you are about music." And then she says, "It's also confusing, because they're both so serious about music, which is why I think they're like into each other, and it's almost confronting for me in a way." And then I wrote, "Every relationship is a test. This one is saying, 'Don't test me, I'm just fine on my own.'" Hey, wouldn't this be a great Lizzo song, this moment? She says, "I know, but this is just so fort- unfortunate. I know that this is just the universe, Mom. All I have been manifesting is devotion to my work and music above all else. And clearly, this is just a test of that manifesting, because they are two people who want to help me make progress in my music career. And now that they could potentially get involved with one another, it's a test to try and shift my attention and question both of their roles and if I actually want to collaborate and use them to help me with my music career. I've been trying so hard all day to have an abundant mindset. Like, good for them, honestly. How great it is that someone I want to produce and write with is also really dig someone that I want to support, that wants to support me, believe in me, and help me grow, you know?" And then I said, "I want you to also consider energy." She said, "Expand on that." I said, "I will later. I think your energy is off now that this has happened, and this is not a good sign." She says, "What
- 12:01 – 14:02
The ‘energy shift’ principle: alignment signals when something’s off
- MRMel Robbins
do you mean?" I said, "Well, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music with someone you have weird vibes with." Now, I want to stop right there and unpack something for you. If you never... If you don't know what to do in life, always go in and pay attention to energy.When the energy shifts around people or relationships, or anything that you're doing, that is always a sign about alignment. It's a sign for you to slow down when energy vibes shift and something feels off. As a human being, you are wired to be in alignment. You're wired to feel like things are in a groove. And clearly, when you find out news, like our daughter did 24 hours ago, that somebody that you had been hooking up with and still have a crush on, and still wanna work with, now has a crush on someone else, and she has a crush on them, the energy is gonna shift, and it's now an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, for you to seek better alignment, and for you to follow the energy that feels good. That's the opportunity of a moment like this, which is why I brought up energy. Let's go back to the text exchange, okay? "Mom, can you expand on that?" I said, "Well, I will later, but your energy is off and that's not a good sign." She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "It doesn't work for you to collaborate on music, which is something very intimate for you, with someone you have weird vibes with." Have you ever had this situation happen to you, like at work, where you kinda had a crush on somebody at work and next thing you know, you're finding out that the person you have a crush on with is actually secretly dating somebody else at work, and now you don't feel like you wanna work on projects with those two? That's an example of that energy being off.
- 14:02 – 15:14
The ego confession: “I don’t want him—I just don’t want him to want her”
- MRMel Robbins
And then she says, "You mean the fact that my energy has been thrown by this means that it's not a good call? But Mom, I also think that I can rise above this, and be above this, and let them do their thing without feeling threatened." Okay, let's stop right there. That is so true. What if you could develop the power and the self-awareness to notice in these kinds of heartbreaking and confusing situations that, boom, the energy is off, "Oh my God, I'm disappointed. I'm also confronted." What if you could literally switch gears in that moment? I mean, wouldn't that be a superpower to be able to rise above that kind of thing? And then she writes this, "Well, I don't want to be with him anyway. I mean, I just don't. I just don't want him to want her." Mic drop. Isn't that life right there? And of course I had to say, "You know, that's a song." I know you hate it when I say that, but when I read your texts, I feel like I'm reading lyrics. Oh.
- KRKendall Robbins
Christopher Robbins.
- 15:14 – 19:46
Behind-the-scenes interruption + boundaries for involving family on the show
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, right in the middle of this, my husband's calling. Okay, let's, let me, let me just pick it up real quick and let's see what Chris has to say. Did I just... Oh, wait, I don't know what's happening. Is he still calling? Oh, here he is. Hold on. Hey, Chris.
- CRChristopher Robbins
Hey, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm, uh, taping a podcast. What's up?
- CRChristopher Robbins
I love you.
- MRMel Robbins
I love you, too. Can I say something real quick? I'm talking about the, the situation that Kendall has, uh, with the, uh, that guy she had b- been hooking up with, we're calling him Steve, and her finding out that Steve has a crush on someone at school that is her good friend.
- CRChristopher Robbins
Uh-huh.
- MRMel Robbins
Has she talked to you about this?
- CRChristopher Robbins
This is a recent thing?
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so I guess you're in the dark.
- CRChristopher Robbins
Yeah, I don't know anything.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- CRChristopher Robbins
She's been trying to, she's been trying to call me, but I don't know if it's explicitly to tell me the story. I don't know anything about it, though.
- MRMel Robbins
She probably is calling you to ask for money.
- CRChristopher Robbins
(laughs) I think she's all set. I can see her.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, well, I'm gonna hang up and keep talking to-
- CRChristopher Robbins
But you're probably right that she's not calling me for relationship advice.
- MRMel Robbins
She's blowing up my phone about it right now, so here's what I'm gonna do. I love you too. I'm gonna hang up with you. I'm gonna continue talking to, uh, the folks that are listening right now on the podcast. Do you want to say hi to everybody?
- CRChristopher Robbins
Hey, everyone.
- MRMel Robbins
Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Robbins. There he is. Yay! Okay, well, you have a great day. I'll call you later, um, 'cause I'm about to lose my train of thought. Bye.
- CRChristopher Robbins
Bye-bye.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so back to the podcast. That was Christopher Robbins. Isn't he cute? Um, okay, I think that's it. So here's what we're gonna do. Um, I am going to try to get Kendall Robbins on the phone, okay? This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna get her on the phone. I have no idea how this is gonna go. One thing I need you to know about this is that this is not staged, and that I am going to try to bring you into my life, but here's one boundary I need you to know as we start to do this on this show. We will never air something that either, that features my kids, or text messages, or a friend, or my husband without them listening to the episode and giving us the okay. I put that boundary in place 'cause I want us to be able to record in a way that is spontaneous and authentic and live, but all, and, and in that environment, allow people to speak freely, but also to have people know that they're safe to speak freely because nothing will air that they're uncomfortable with. So, it's important for me to tell you that so that you understand the steps that I'm taking, um, to both share my life and keep this real.... and raw, and authentic, and relatable, and deeply personal, and also not exploit people or make them feel unsafe. Okay, so let's see if we can get Kendall Robbins on the phone. She does not know that we are calling her. Here we go. For those of you watching on YouTube right now, I just wanna tell you something. We taped what you're about to hear and watch yesterday, and the whole thing went down live, but when I opened yesterday, uh, I was all discombobulated and so I'm in a different outfit than what you're about to see. And frankly, I don't even know how we're gonna end this thing, so I might be in a different outfit (laughs) when you're watching this on YouTube. And that's one of the things why it's important to subscribe to YouTube, because we do release audio versions of the podcast, and the unabridged, behind the scenes, anything goes, crazy ass stuff, longer form is always released on the same day on YouTube. So, you're gonna wanna listen to both, okay? Um, anyway, that's it. So, let's cut to us trying to get to Kendall. Um, here we go.
- 19:46 – 21:19
Calling Kendall: voicemail humor, then the ‘what’s hurting you isn’t meant for you’ reframe
- SCDr. Schneberger
(phone ringing) Hi, this is Dr. Schneberger, Kendall's grandfather. If you're a boy, hang up. Otherwise, leave a message.
- CRChristopher Robbins
At the tone, please record your message.
- MRMel Robbins
She has had that voicemail message (laughs) that my dad recorded for her since she was in ninth grade. I gotta give her props for having the same outgoing message that your grandfather recorded, I mean, for eight years. Come on, now. If you can roll with that through high school and college, you can roll through somebody crushin' on your ex-crush. That's all I'm sayin'. And you can also get the message in all of this mess of your life, that what is hurting you is probably not meant for you. That it's time that you align your life with a new direction that energizes you, and people that you're in a groove with. It's really that simple. People come and go in your life, and that doesn't mean that you're not gonna be stung when they exit. 'Cause when that door slams, sometimes your finger can get caught in it. You know what I'm sayin'? So, let's see if she calls us back. She's in class. She just texted me, "Mom! Mom, I'm in class. What's your problem?" Uh, we'll fi- she'll find out what my problem is when she calls back, and hopefully we'll be able to air it. (phone ringing) You answer it, just a... Kendall? Oh. Kendall?
- 21:19 – 28:08
Kendall joins: the universe, challenge tides, and growth through discomfort
- KRKendall Robbins
Hi.
- MRMel Robbins
Hi. Okay, so I... Thank you for calling me back after class. I wanted to talk to you about the texts that we were exchanging today, because it reminded-
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay. (chocolate crunching)
- MRMel Robbins
What are you doing?
- KRKendall Robbins
I'm eating a chocolate bar, Mom. Like, sorry, I don't have a fucking podcast mic on me right now. (chocolate crunching) Okay, I'm ready. So...
- MRMel Robbins
America will wait. No-
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay, I'll do it.
- MRMel Robbins
... the globe will because there p- they, they, we have listeners and fans around the world hanging on your every world, word and the crumbs coming out of that chocolate bar.
- KRKendall Robbins
Hmm, they're good crumbs.
- MRMel Robbins
Are you like, inside? Can you go outside where maybe we can hear you?
- KRKendall Robbins
I am outside.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you move away from those annoying people sitting next to you?
- KRKendall Robbins
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, good. Okay.
- KRKendall Robbins
Talk to me-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- KRKendall Robbins
... while I'm moving.
- MRMel Robbins
Talk to you while I'm moving. Okay. So, I, um, got your text today and I shared, uh, the gist of it with everybody.
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
And after sharing the gist of it with everybody, I, um, thought, wow, it reminded me of a moment when I was going through a really hard time and there was a bunch of my life, th- a bunch of things in my life that were not working the way I'd hoped they would. And you gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. Do you remember what it was?
- KRKendall Robbins
I do.
- MRMel Robbins
What was it?
- KRKendall Robbins
Um, well, I told you that the reason that you were experiencing that, whatever you were experiencing, which was not a pleasant experience, was so you could get back in touch with what the people you're trying to inspire are struggling with every day, because you're a very lucky person. You've worked very hard for the life that you have, but I think you, on a day-to-day basis, don't really struggle the way that the people you inspire do. And I told you that the reason that you were having all of these issues was because you needed to be reminded of how they feel and how you had once felt.
- MRMel Robbins
And if we go a level deeper and more profound on the advice...
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
What force was actually giving me those lessons?
- KRKendall Robbins
What what was?
- MRMel Robbins
What force? Because in your advice, there's a presumption about something-
- KRKendall Robbins
It's the universe.
- MRMel Robbins
... bigger and more profound. So talk about that.
- 28:08 – 32:21
What insecurity makes you do: avoidance, shutdown, and negative self-talk
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I think that you're at a crossroads.
- KRKendall Robbins
But, but what, what my point is, is that it would be so easy for me to just drop a fucking bomb on this really cool person, and this really cool opportunity I have with not only the, the ex but the new person who's gonna help me, and the ex who by the way I also deeply, deeply respect and care about and know in my heart that I'm not supposed to be with and I'm not supposed to have a relationship to, but I think now that he and her are now entangled, it's making me go, "Wait, I kinda want him to be entangled with me again," which is not what I want, it's just my whole... this is my like fear of rejection coming up, and my ego coming up. But back to my point, is like it would be so easy for me to just fucking derail this whole thing because I'm insecure and I'm suddenly feeling like I'm in a place of resistance, and it would be harder for me-
- MRMel Robbins
Stop right there. Stop right there.
- KRKendall Robbins
... uh-
- MRMel Robbins
Can I just ask a question?
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you explain to me what exactly you would do to derail this situation?
- KRKendall Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
What would the old-
- KRKendall Robbins
I mean-
- MRMel Robbins
... sneaky, nasty you do?
- KRKendall Robbins
Well, I would, I would probably just find ways to... Like I would probably start to avoid her, or I would probably like pull the, pull the plug... No- not pull the plug, but like sort of just pump the brakes on this like relationships that, this relationship that I'm cultivating and th- and this relationship that I'm like actively pouring more time into. I would probably pump the brakes on that.
- MRMel Robbins
Would you then like-
- KRKendall Robbins
I would maybe... I would probably-
- MRMel Robbins
... pull the string again on the person you used to be interested in?
- KRKendall Robbins
Would I what on him?
- MRMel Robbins
Would you stoke the flame on the person you used to be interested in again?
- KRKendall Robbins
That would be like level zero Kendall-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
... because I'm not really somebody that does that after a breakup.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
But maybe I might... I, I'm more of like a cold shoulder person, like-
- SCDr. Schneberger
Are you-
- KRKendall Robbins
... "You don't exist. I don't exist." Which is not really a great tactic I'd do that.
- MRMel Robbins
Is that like a level two?
- KRKendall Robbins
No, I mean... Uh, like I think what I would do is I would pump the brakes on her, and every time I went around, I was around him I'd shut down. I would not collaborate with him, I would not collaborate with her and by... and, and then do it... and I would just heal myself-... in a place of resistance, in a place of shutdown, in a place of like, like I would just go to a really horrible, horrible like detrimental, negative self-talk place that probably wouldn't be lifted for a while.
- MRMel Robbins
You're, you're, you're basically describing-
- KRKendall Robbins
And like listen, listen. I'm, I'm, like I-
- MRMel Robbins
Not me, like in my te- my teens and 20s and sometimes my 30s, but go ahead. And sometimes my 40s, but.
- KRKendall Robbins
Well, what I was gonna say is like when I found out about this, which happened-
- 32:21 – 38:13
The fork-in-the-road tool: Kendal ‘Zero’ vs Kendal ‘100’ in triggering moments
- MRMel Robbins
Can I ask you a question?
- KRKendall Robbins
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause I think this is so incredibly relatable.
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And what I visualize when I think about you standing on a street corner and having the thought cross your mind, or seeing them talking, or having a text show up from one of 'em, 'cause y'all are kind of collaborating in a professional sense.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
That you now literally find yourself at an emotional and mental crossroad. The text, or seeing them, or a song coming on triggers you to be at the crossroad and the Kendal zero goes down the left-hand road and has negative thoughts that basically beat the hell out of you and tell you a story. "See? More evidence. See this?" And the Kendal... What number are we gonna assign this?
- KRKendall Robbins
Fucking 100.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. Kendal fucking 100, who then looks at the other fork, which is a fork that's aligned with what you actually want, with who you're becoming, with energy that is in a groove that matches with you. And that's a whole new way of thinking and being for you.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
What's this been like? And what would, what, since you're actively in this, what would you, how would you describe what people need to do who are in this situation? They're literally just found out that their ex is going on a date with their friend. They just found out that, um, the dream job that they got or the dream school that they wanted to be in went to somebody else. And there's this moment where the way you thought things were gonna go just don't happen and you feel the sting that you're talking about. And it just causes you to start telling yourself a very old story. "It's never gonna work out for you. This always happens to me. Nobody's gonna love me. You know, when is it gonna be my turn?" All that crap. How does somebody in that moment actually visualize a fork in the road, start to catch that negativity, and redirect themselves in a new direction?
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay. Well... One second. I'm just getting on my bike 'cause-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. Do we have to ride while we're giving-
- KRKendall Robbins
No.
- MRMel Robbins
... the world advice here?
- KRKendall Robbins
Mom, I think that you forget that I'm a student and I'm living my life. So give me a second. This is good. You can cut this out, like relax.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
Jesus.
- MRMel Robbins
(sighs)
- KRKendall Robbins
What I was gonna s- Well... Okay, well, I'm sort of just gonna start talking and I might contradict myself and I might go back on what I'm saying, but I guess that's part of this whole thing, but... Oh yeah, I am driving up to Thornton, and potential encounter-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- KRKendall Robbins
... about to happen. No. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
That would be amazing. I'm gonna manifest that right now. Dear God, pl- come on, bring him in, bring him in.
- KRKendall Robbins
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- MRMel Robbins
I would like to see the two of them walk around the corner as you're talking to us.
- KRKendall Robbins
No, no, no, they're not. Um, no, but-
- MRMel Robbins
If they did, where would you feel it?
- KRKendall Robbins
I would be like, "Damn it, that blows. Fuck!" (laughs) But then I would tell myself like... I think I just, I think what I tell myself is I'm like... Well, I think that it helps for me, it, it, it helps to know that like in my certain situation, like I've al- I've already like done it and I've already tried it and it didn't work. And I, like I know in my heart, like I think what you need to do in these kinds of situations is just like remember what you know to be true, like in your heart. Like if it's your dream school and you didn't get in then and your best friend did, like...... just believe in the fact that it's still your dream school and it's gonna happen, it just might not be right now. And I think for me, what I'm telling myself is like, I don't want that relationship, I don't wanna be in that relationship, and I know that in my heart. (sniffs) And like, instead of torturing myself and going back to like my old ways of thinking and trying to tell myself that I do want it just so I can have some sort of stupid validation, I'm gonna tell myself that like, he s- he's still here, he's still talking to one of my good friends now maybe for a reason. Instead of seeing this as like a detriment to my life, like, why don't I just flip the fucking script and like benefit from it? Like, how cool would it be if two people who I know care about me, who respect me deeply, and who both wanna pour into me creatively and professionally, how, how fucking amazing would it be if they both fucking love each other and are vibing and are awesome? And how great is, is it, and how good and great does it feel to visualize like them hitting it off and them crushing on each other and them being awesome and great and just like an explosion of love and light? And I just get to experience that, and I get to be around that, and I get to benefit from that. And like, I think somebody who's not aligned-
- MRMel Robbins
I don't think you were that into him if you're this transformed 24 hours later. I'm just gonna put it out there. Like, this sounds like a highly...
- KRKendall Robbins
No, I just... I don't think...
- 38:13 – 42:07
Healthy selfishness and choosing yourself (even if it upsets the old pattern)
- KRKendall Robbins
No, it is. And I also don't... I think that like some, like a non-aligned human would probably listen to me talk and be like, "Well, that's fucking selfish." Like...
- MRMel Robbins
Because I'll tell you what, what you just said there was exactly the point of this, which is...
- KRKendall Robbins
I was gonna say, it's, it's all about healthy selfishness in this situation. Like, I, I know in my heart that like what I want is not that, and so instead let me just surrender to the reality of what it is and then flip the script and be like, how can I have fun? How can I, how can I make this fun for me? How can I use this to benefit me? Like, how can I, like, look at this in a way that's like not gonna make me feel like shit?
- MRMel Robbins
I think that's amazing. And since you're on a roll, can I ask you one more question?
- KRKendall Robbins
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
The fact that you've processed this in less than 24 hours and you're already love and light and alignment, to me says you weren't that into him anyway and these are old wounds that you're working on around rejection.
- KRKendall Robbins
Or, or it says that I was and I'm mature as shit and I'm on my spiritual awakening journey and I'm ali- I'm aligned.
- MRMel Robbins
That you can...
- KRKendall Robbins
How about that?
- MRMel Robbins
I think that's freaking hot. That's...
- KRKendall Robbins
No, like, fuck the "you weren't that into him". Like, no, I really was, but I'm more into myself and I'm on my fucking journey and what of it.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my God. Okay, so I just got something from this, and now my armpits are sweating because it's such a good idea. You ready?
- KRKendall Robbins
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
You were able to hyper process this because you are very clear about who you are and what it feels like when you're in the groove with energy and people and where you put your attention.
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And it is very clear when you are in alignment with your energy, with your focus, with who you surround yourself with, when something enters the space that's off.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
You feel friction, you don't feel like yourself, you feel yourself reaching for old toxic behaviors.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And...
- KRKendall Robbins
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's why you were able to process this so quickly and hold space for the fact, "I still like the guy and I still wanna work with her and him." So...
- KRKendall Robbins
And him.
- MRMel Robbins
I gotta figure this out because what the universe is actually teaching you, Ken, is it's teaching you how to stay laser focused on your higher objective instead of getting sucked into the toxic bullshit that Kendall Zero used to get sucked into.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, 100%.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, that, that's, that, that feels very, like, clear and, like, makes sense to me. Because it's like I don't want to lose them, I don't wanna lo- Like, what I was saying about the whole derailing thing is like, it would be so easy for me to just, like, derail, "Okay, not working with you, not working with you. I'm gonna go cry about it. I'm gonna listen to fucking sad music and blahdy, blahdy, blah, and miss this crazy good opportunity, or I could win from this." Like, it's just, it's just the mindset of being like, "I can win from any situation." Okay, well, that's a little, that's a little provincial, but-
- MRMel Robbins
But actually, Ken...
- KRKendall Robbins
It, it, I think it's a good per- it's a good mindset to have. Like, any situation that you are in, whether or not you put yourself there, if you did, if you didn't, if it was placed upon you, like, you can still win. And like, it's just about, like, figuring out that higher objective and figuring out how you can feel aligned in that, in that negative sp- in that space that uh, int- uh, initially felt pretty negative.
- MRMel Robbins
One final thought.
- 42:07 – 48:11
When healing takes longer: belief in a bigger life, ‘taste-testing’ the future, and building the muscle
- MRMel Robbins
One final thought. If we were to roll the clock back two and a half years when you went through something way more painful that took a lot longer to process, do you have-
- KRKendall Robbins
I know exactly what you're talking about. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Do you have any insight to offer for somebody who's in that space who thinks what you're saying right now sounds absolutely fantastical and completely not realistic?
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm. Well, that, that's... Give me a second on that one. Not like a day, like give me actually five seconds.
- MRMel Robbins
Can I offer something?
- KRKendall Robbins
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
What if, if you take your mindset of, "I could win in this," that there are certain upsets along the way that take longer to process?
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay, I have it.
- MRMel Robbins
Go.
- KRKendall Robbins
I was just gonna say that like, everybody always says, like, "You can't love anyone until you love yourself," but I feel like that, like the word choice in that isn't correct. Because I feel like if I had known at that point two years ago, when I was going through a much more painful and drawn out and confusing, entangled breakup, like, I had no i- like, I didn't really believe that like, I didn't believe in myself. Like, at that point in time, I wasn't like, "I was put on this earth to do something bigger." Like, I- I- I didn't, like, actually believe with my whole heart that, like, I was put on this earth to live an incredible life and that I had the power to do so. And like, I think that's where a lot of people's issues are, is that, like, they just, they don't think that they're worth it, they don't think that they can actually achieve their dreams. They don't have dreams, like, you know what I mean? And it's like, at that point in time, I- I had ideas of what I thought my dreams were, but they- they weren't real and I didn't actually believe, like, I- I'm doi- I'm gonna be doing something bigger than this. Like, this is just, like, a pu- a piece to the puzzle, it's not the puzzle itself. And I feel like right now, I can actually taste, like, the bigger things that are gonna be happening for me, and like, I can feel that like... And- and because I can taste it, I know that this small challenge tide is just a test, you know? And it's not the whole thing, and it's, and- and it's, I can- I can easily compartmentalize it because I can taste the bigger picture, but like, I had to do a lot of fucking taste testings before that. You know what I mean? Like, go to the winery, babe.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that, and I would add one more thing.
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
You're able to process this entanglement in hyper, freaking, s- Star Wars, like, whatever speed, like I just see hyper speed-
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... because of everything-
- KRKendall Robbins
Agree.
- MRMel Robbins
... that you allowed yourself to feel and learn and process and mourn and discover about yourself in that painful year of breaking up. Just like I am able to feel a level of contentment and happiness that I've never experienced in my life now that I am 53 because of the protracted, painful, awful, horrible two years of heartbreak that you had a front row seat to.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I think the breakthrough that you receive in life is in direct reverse proportion to how painful the experience was. And when-
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... you get any-
- KRKendall Robbins
But I don't think that that, I don't think that that is- is widespread, and that isn't, like, a way to seek.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't recommend you smash into a wall to learn a lesson. I'm saying life-
- KRKendall Robbins
No.
- MRMel Robbins
... does that to you. And if you-
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, totally.
- MRMel Robbins
... are able to process the hard stuff as a lesson, one of the benefits is the second the future you gets within an inch of anything that feels familiar to that old pain, you have an opportunity to go, "Uh, uh, uh, I'm at that crossroad. I see the old me. I could spend a year doing this bullshit where I suck my thumb in the corner and I play small and I pretend my life is over and I hate every other woman because they're prettier," da, da, da, da, da, da. Or-
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, uh-huh.
- MRMel Robbins
... "I know that road," or you actually put yourself in park and say, "Wait a minute. I learned something from that, and what I learned is I'm not fucking doing that again to myself. I'm going to-"
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, and I also think that, like... I also think, like, for this example especially, with this, like, girl and this guy, like, I think, like, even yesterday and today, I- I felt a little bit of, like, "Oh, well maybe, like, this, maybe that road that they're on is, like, the wrong one." Like, maybe I'm like, "Oh, well, maybe I should," like, I'm, like, visualizing a lot of, like, going left and going right, and like, the, for some reason, the right is always, like, the right road to go down. I mean, I don't think that was a coincidence in my brain, but what I'm saying is, like, t- yesterday I was like, "You know what? Maybe, like, collaborating with both of these people is not go- is- is- is going to the left, it's not going to the right, and, like I sh- I shouldn't, I shouldn't be go- I shouldn't be collaborating with them. Like, this is not a good idea." But then I was like, "No, because if I wasn't collaborating with them, then I would actually be going to the left because I would be, like, in resistance and I would be in pain and I would be comparing myself to every other woman on the face of the fucking earth." You know what I mean? It's like-
- 48:11 – 54:04
Audience reflection (Maddie): turning right = choosing yourself, confidence compounds
- MRMel Robbins
Amazing. Hold that thought. I just wanna ask, uh, Andrea and Maddie and, uh, Jesse, do you have any question you want me to ask Kendall? No? Maddie, you got one?
- G(Guest (caller)
I was- I was, like-
- MRMel Robbins
Maddie was crying.
- G(Guest (caller)
... I'm thin- I was crying because what you said... No, well, what you said is exactly what I've been going through, like, literally right now, um, and what I went through, like, I think almost three and a half years ago when I went through, like, a really prolonged, drawn out breakup where I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in the relationship and I wasn't enough, to be enough for, you know, what he wanted when that wasn't the case.Um, and it's taken me a really long time to get to the other side of it, and I think that what you said is so... And I'm, like, I'm still probably not close to... I'm like, I'm getting there, but I'm not quite there. You know what I mean? Like, it, it just takes time, and I wonder maybe, like... (exhales) I like the question of, like, what would you tell your past self? But, like, not even what could you take away. It's just, like, if you could place yourself in a space-
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah.
- G(Guest (caller)
... in this moment, where you feel the exact same way that you felt at that time, like, you, you know that you would make a different decision, right?
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah. I think honestly, like, if I was in that, like, really hard, like, cyclical bad pattern, what I would do is just, like, every day do, like, a little something that scared me or do, like, every time that I felt, like, just that, like, shit mindset I was going back to, like, every time I felt myself going back to it, like, just toy with the idea or, like, welcome the idea of doing the other thing. You know what I mean? 'Cause that's just, like, sort of building the muscle, like, strengthening the muscle of, like, going to the right instead of the left. Like, because for me, in that really long breakup, it was like I was in the same place, like, "I'm not good enough for him." Like, "He's be-, I'm never gonna be good enough for him." And now, I've gotten to a point where I'm like, "It is a fucking gift that I was even with him, and it is a gift that it didn't work out." And, like, it's not, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough to him. It was just, like, he was a part of my journey and, like, he served his purpose, and I knew all along it wasn't supposed to be, like, a lifetime. But I think it, I resisted going to the right for so long, like, to the point where literally, like, there was a fucking roadblock. Like, the road fell apart. The left road fell apart. And it was like, "I don't have a choice." You know what I mean? And so I think what would, what my piece of advice would be is to, like, practice just, like, turning right a little bit here and there every day. Just go to the right. "Oh, I normally would do this, but let me just try doing that." Or, "I normally would think this, but let me just try thinking that." And I honestly think that, like, that will help you strengthen the muscle because the amount of resistance I was in for so long, going to the left, going to the left, going to the left when the universe was like, "Go to the fucking right," was just, like, a waste of time. And now I know that, like, if I had just practiced trying to do the other thing, think the other way, like, it would've been so much easier for me to see, like, the strung along pattern that had been being created for me all along.
- G(Guest (caller)
Well, I think it's interesting, like, the fact that you say, "Go to the left and go to the right," because I think that you can take that in so many different directions. Like, something that my dad has always told me is, like, "Always, like, choose yourself first," and I've never done this, right? Like, I, I always put others in front of myself and, like, I always put others' feelings and others' situations and how other people, you know, react to what I do before what I think about my actions. And so I think it's interesting, 'cause turning left, to me, when you said it, I was like, "That feels like choosing everybody else, and turning right feels like choosing me."
- KRKendall Robbins
Yes, 100%.
- G(Guest (caller)
That's it. That's-
- KRKendall Robbins
It's like you always know what, like, you should be doing for you, but it's, like, scarier to do that, or you don't wanna do that because it might fuck up what's going on with everyone else. But the second you start putting you first, it's like, it's just like a trickle-down effect. Like, you start attracting more shit to just start happening for you, and it's incredible.
- G(Guest (caller)
It's so interesting that you say that, because I recently started doing those kinds of things, and I literally see a shift in my behavior and how other people, like, react to my behavior. Like, the confidence-
- KRKendall Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- G(Guest (caller)
... that I have based on choices that I've made in the last six months alone has been completely different than the confidence I had even a year ago that, like, I can make decisions now today that I couldn't, that I, I know I couldn't have made a year ago. And it's because of-
- KRKendall Robbins
Totally.
- G(Guest (caller)
... choices of, like, turning right and choosing me instead of doing things for other people and doing things for the benefit of other people in- instead of doing them for the benefit of me.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah. Totally.
- G(Guest (caller)
Good on you, man. Good on you.
- KRKendall Robbins
Okay, Mom. I, I'm literally, class starts in one minute, so I do have to leave. But I love you very much. And let's talk after class.
- MRMel Robbins
I love you. I'm proud of you actually. I'm proud of the person you're becoming and your ability to share everything that you're learning through all of it with all of us.
- KRKendall Robbins
I'm proud of me too. Like, I have come a long fucking way. (laughs) Oh my God.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, yeah. (laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
Like, it's, it's, like, laughable, but I'm, like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- KRKendall Robbins
... I'm, like, just happy, and I'm, like, grateful that I can, like, be this mindful about myself and, like, I'm finally, like, manifesting and attracting and, like, doing things that I've always, like, wished I could. You know?
- MRMel Robbins
I love it. Well, we'll keep sharing and unpacking it so everybody else can learn along the way too. Have a great class.
- KRKendall Robbins
Yeah, we will. All right. I love you.
- MRMel Robbins
Love you too.
- KRKendall Robbins
Bye. (beep) (beep)
- 54:04 – 1:01:14
Mel’s closing toolkit: left vs right choices, energy as truth, and don’t wait for the ‘sledgehammer’
- MRMel Robbins
I don't even know what the hell to say after that. Uh, I guess the one thing I wanna say having had a front row seat into the 24-hour evolved s- uh, hyper-speed Star Wars style, uh... And I say Star Wars, Star Wars 'cause I'm thinking about how fast those ships fly. The 24-hour processing versus the literally, uh, year and a half long train wreck is what it was. Um, I wanna say this, that first of all, you know me, and I love simple visual tools that yank you out of emotional states. Going left means you're choosing other people. Going left means you're seeking validation. Going left means you're repeating old patterns, old behaviors, old stories. Going right means making teeny decisions.... where you choose yourself, teeny decisions where you find the courage to do something different. Don't go hang out at that guy's frat house hoping he sees you. Go find your girlfriends at the library. Don't go stalking somebody on social media. Get your butt outside and go for a walk or go to a class. Like, don't continue to pour yourself into what the old you or the old relationship or the old thing was. Find a way each day to turn towards something new. That's how you start to make the right choices that align with who you're becoming, instead of just grasping at what was and what no longer is. And, um, the other thing I wanna tell you, and I can say this from personal experience, and I can say this from watching this year and a half painful thing that happened to our daughter, where she was entangled, if you keep choosing left, the universe, God, the world, energy, whatever you believe in, it cares so much about you that, uh, eventually, it is gonna drop a motherfucking sledgehammer on your face. And it is gonna cause, and it is going to create the most painful, personal, and shocking breakdown in your life. Because you're being so stubborn in choosing left all the time, knowing that you need to inch yourself in the right direction, that the universe or God or whatever, the forces greater than you, are gonna wake your ass up by doing something painful and personal so you cannot ignore the fact that this thing that you keep doing, it is terrible for you. And sometimes those wake-up calls are exactly what we need, and sometimes there's a motorcycle outside while I'm trying to get profound with you. For Kendall, it was a deep, deep betrayal. For me, it was multiple deep, deep betrayals, all of which woke us both up to see that, boy, we had been heading down the left path for a long time and we were too stubborn or insecure to wake up and see it. Do not wait for your life to fall apart to understand the power of choosing a different path, to slow... to wake up every day and find the courage to inch right, to inch towards something that feels different, that feels like an opening, that feels expansive. And here's how you're gonna know. I'm gonna give you one more tool. So, you've got this idea of visualizing a crossroad. You have this idea of alignment and what feels right and what doesn't feel right. You have this align... you have this idea of choosing the left path or the right path, and that has nothing to do with politics, by the way. It's just a metaphor, so don't add any drama to it, please. I don't wanna hear about it in the comments. It's just the old thing you used to do in a new d- and different way. Here's another one. Here's how you know what is aligned with you. Energy doesn't lie. When you ask yourself, "How could I make this a win?" turn toward what feels expansive. Turn toward what brings a little bit of energy into your life. If it's old and if it's painful and if it's the wrong path, you're gonna feel yourself shrinking. You're gonna feel yourself depleted. You're gonna feel your energy leave you. The interesting thing, if you listen closely, to Kendall share with you, is that she was very quick to say, "I'm gonna cut these people out of my life." But when she paid attention to the energy, she was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Cutting them out of my life feels like I'm shrinking. It feels like my energy's leaving me. It feels like my power is going away. Turning toward them, showing up differently, being open to receiving, that feels energizing. That feels expansive. That feels actually different." You can use energy like that, we're gonna talk a ton about that as we get to know each other, to make the right, best next choice for you. And that's what matters, and that's why I'm sharing all this stuff with you. Not because I have the answers, but because you have the answers for you, inside of you, and inside of every experience that you're going through in life. And, uh, we'll keep you updated. We'll see how the, uh, hyper-processing is going with Kendall. I am so proud of her. And you wanna know what else? I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for taking the time to be here with me, for listening and learning, and hopefully for applying this to your life. And I want you to know that that's why I'm here. I'm here on Mondays to help you start your week. I'm here on Thursdays to help you get through it. I'm here sharing the ups and downs, the good, the bad, all of it, for one reason, and the reason is because I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in me, and I believe in both of our abilities to create a better life. And that's what the Mel Robbins Podcast is all about. You got me, I got you, we're doing it together. So, if you got something out of this episode, please, please, please share this with somebody who could use this. Uh, subscribe to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Wherever you get your podcasts, you're gonna find your friend Mel Robbins there, and, uh, that's it. Have an absolutely amazing day. No, go make it an amazing day, and just make the next right choice for you. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe, 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.
Episode duration: 1:01:14
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Transcript of episode 6HSXaSAiLNI
