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The Mel Robbins PodcastThe Mel Robbins Podcast

4 Surprising Secrets of Successful Relationships (What I Learned From a Fight with My Daughter)

Ready to level up your life!? 🔥 https://bit.ly/2024_launch 👈 Join my 6-month coaching program, Launch with Mel Robbins. You. Me. Six months. That’s all you need to create a life you LOVE. Let’s go! 🚀 — How do you have a “healthy” fight with your family? How do you repair a relationship with someone you love? Today Mel is joined by her husband Chris, their daughter Kendall, and their son Oakley to answer listener questions about all kinds of relationships. This is the perfect episode to listen to with your family. You’ll hear the Robbins’ insightful, powerful, fun, and sometimes hilarious advice on how to get along with and love everyone in your family. Hear Mel unpack the 4 important lessons she learned from a silly fight she had that morning with her daughter, Kendall (note: there is some cursing). In this conversation, Mel, Chris, Oakley, and Kendall discuss: The 4 important life lessons Mel learned from her fight with Kendall How to use the Let Them Theory to diffuse fights with family A smart relationship “trick” from a therapist that Mel and Chris love Mel’s funny story of how she ran into Reese Witherspoon How to repair a damaged relationship with your child When and how to apologize to your family What to do when someone you love is always angry at you The real reason you treat your family worse than you treat strangers What happens after high school that strengthens most parent-kid relationships? What happened when guilt made Kendall do something she didn’t want to? What to do when your kids don’t talk to you The reason family members start a fight The right moment to bite your tongue in an argument The one thing that will stop you from “advice vomiting” on your kids The one thing that helps when you feel left out of your friend group (or when you just miss your friends) What you need to know that will help you feel more confident after a move to a new home or school What happens the moment you meet your idol (it’s not what you think.) Follow the podcast: The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast/ I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:24 Mel met her idol, and here’s how it went. 10:46 How you can repair a relationship where you messed up. 12:32 The reason we sometimes treat our family the worst. 14:10 The 2 things you should tell your upset or annoyed kids. 15:27 The importance of a parental apology. 16:07 How Kendalls perspective on family has changed with age and space. 17:13 The things Mel and Chris did that Kendall hated in high school 19:14: Let’s unpack the fight Mel and Kendall had this morning. 21:23 Ever try to make a workout class hungover? 25:48 Never let guilt make you do something you don’t want to do. 27:08 The 4 lessons Mel learned from her fight with Kendall. 29:16 What to do when your old patterns shine through in a conflict. 31:02 Remember the let them theory? This is how Mel uses it in family conflict. 35:36 The importance of expressing your needs without being prompted. 37:55 How to support a child who is the “new kid” at school. 40:55 The 3 small things you can start doing today to make new friends. — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostKendall RobbinsguestChris RobbinsguestOakley Robbinsguest
Nov 23, 202344mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 2:24

    Intro

    1. MR

      Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. (record scratch) (blowing raspberry) (laughing)

    2. KR

      (laughing)

    3. I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you.

    4. CR

      Of what?

    5. MR

      You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean?

    6. KR

      To just be like (blowing raspberry) welcome to Mel Ro- (horn)

    7. CR

      Welcome to having kids on the show.

    8. KR

      There were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for.

    9. CR

      We're right here, you can tell us. (laughs)

    10. MR

      Well, I was-

    11. KR

      Oh, we had the worst fight you guys. It... okay, you're still being dramatic.

    12. CR

      (laughs)

    13. KR

      Like what you were doing this morning. (bell dinging) I'm grumpy because I'm hungover, and I'm like, "I'm gonna strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now."

    14. MR

      (laughs)

    15. KR

      I have so much sympathy for your life.

    16. CR

      Yeah.

    17. MR

      Anything else as a takeaway?

    18. KR

      Pick up your (beep) .

    19. MR

      Okay, thank you for that. Hug me next time (beep) . Okay. (laughs)

    20. CR

      (laughs)

    21. KR

      Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it, babe.

    22. MR

      Did you wanna say anything, Oakley?

    23. CR

      No.

    24. MR

      Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. (record scratch) (blowing raspberry)

    25. KR

      (laughing) I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you.

    26. CR

      Of what?

    27. MR

      You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean?

    28. KR

      To just be like (blowing raspberry) like halfway through the-

    29. CR

      Be like-

    30. KR

      ... welcome to Mel Ro- (horn)

  2. 2:24 – 10:46

    Mel met her idol, and here’s how it went.

    1. MR

      some hotels, there's two sets of doors? There's that first door on the outside and then there's that little, like, hallway area and then the second set of doors? So, we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel, and just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 7:45 in the morning, the second set of doors open up, and somebody walks through, and there is a woman behind him walking with another woman. And the woman who was shorter was incredibly striking, and she had dark sunglasses on, and I noticed her out of the corner of my eye, but I was busy talking to Christine about something, 'cause we, you know, had a busy day ahead of us. And as we pass by the two women, Reese Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses. She walks past me and then stops. She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over and says, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just wanna tell you I'm a huge fan of yours, and I really love your work. I'm Reese." And I nearly shat my pants. I-

    2. CR

      I, I would shit my pants too. (laughs)

    3. MR

      I admire her so much and I, I thought, "She knows who I am!" And I'm like, "I know who you are! You're Reese freaking Witherspoon!" And by the way, she looked gorgeous. I mean, she w- is so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life. All the things that you would want her to be from, you know, seeing her afar, she is that in real life. And I couldn't believe that she knew me. I mean, this is a person that I admire. And so, I, I was so floored by the whole thing, and I was like, uh, you know, "Of course I know who you are. Oh my God, you know me?" And she's like, "Of course." And she's like, "You did a great job on the Today Show yesterday." I'm like, "You saw me on the Today Show?" She's like, "Well, I'm here today to be on the Today Show." And so we start to talk. Now, by the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll. I have on Birkenstocks and socks (laughs) and yoga tights, my hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting. So, we step outside, and now I'm really self-conscious because, like, it's Reese Witherspoon. And we're on the sidewalk in New York City, and so I don't wanna take up too much of her time, and I don't wanna draw attention, and I don't wanna be a weirdo. But at the same time, I am freaking out. And she says, "I've been wanting to meet you, and there's a bunch of stuff we're working on." And then we started talking about some other things, and literally, I met Reese Witherspoon. And she asked me if I would wanna come do something with her, and I'm like, "Yes, I would." And, you know, you think those things happen, you're like, "Okay, that'll never happen. Maybe she was just being very gracious." When I looked on Instagram, she had already DM'd me. Guys, I met Reese Witherspoon. What are you thinking, Oak?

    4. CR

      It's awesome. It's awesome.

    5. MR

      It's awesome because, you know, it's one thing when somebody recognizes you, but it's a whole nother thing when it's somebody that you really admire. Like, I'm not the kinda person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever. You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck?

    6. CR

      No.

    7. MR

      'Cause we're all just human beings.But there was-

    8. OR

      No, but people, people stop you because they admire you.

    9. MR

      That's true. That's true.

    10. KR

      Like, the feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you.

    11. MR

      Really?

    12. OR

      Were you scared-

    13. KR

      I'm sure.

    14. OR

      ... when you met her? Were you nervous?

    15. MR

      Kinda.

    16. OR

      I mean, Reese is just-

    17. MR

      Like, not even kinda, yes! Like, I felt that moment, like, have you ever felt that moment when you're, where all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry, and then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words?

    18. OR

      Mm-hmm.

    19. KR

      (laughs) Yes.

    20. MR

      I, I just, I, I, I didn't know what to say, I was so overcome by the fact that she admires what I'm doing, because I admire what she's doing. And that was, that was a really cool moment.

    21. OR

      Mm-hmm.

    22. MR

      For me.

    23. OR

      That is cool.

    24. MR

      And of course I was wearing socks with Birkenstocks when that happened.

    25. KR

      Birkensocks. (laughs)

    26. MR

      (laughs) Birkensocks.

    27. OR

      Dude, I wear Birkenstocks.

    28. MR

      I was, Vermont represent, man.

    29. KR

      Mm-hmm.

    30. MR

      So that was really cool. Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?

  3. 10:46 – 12:32

    How you can repair a relationship where you messed up.

    1. MR

      off by saying, "Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy. After a difficult past couple of years, socially, breaking up, loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90% of the time. I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons, and in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me. I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world. How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?"

    2. OR

      Hmm. Well...

    3. MR

      Do you have any friends that hate their parents?

    4. OR

      Hmm, not any immediate friends, no.

    5. MR

      Have you ever had friends that hated their parents, Kendall? Okay.

    6. KR

      Uh...

    7. MR

      Yeah, how would you answer this, Ken?

    8. KR

      Oh gosh.

    9. OR

      I s- actually, I wanna say one thing.

    10. KR

      Okay.

    11. OR

      I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life, and I think that part of that emotion is from losing previous friends, and it's not all because of...... you, his parent. And so, there's, there's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you, but he just has a lot of negative feelings, and like, you're the only person that he can channel them into.

    12. KR

      Mm. Yeah. Well, you always tell us that the reason we sometimes treat

  4. 12:32 – 14:10

    The reason we sometimes treat our family the worst.

    1. KR

      our family the worst is because w- deep down, we know that they're not going anywhere, or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom any word that I want, because she's my mom, she's not gonna go anywhere. And especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion, like Oakley said, that he's feeling out on his parents. I don't necessarily think, in my experience, the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents, they just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling as though they couldn't move up or down or left or right, you know, they were just kind of stuck. But I will say that if he's 17 and he's in high school, and it's a social issue primarily, I'm sure that in, if, when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and f- finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college, I think that he will find some new appreciation for his family. I think that that is something that I've seen in college, is once you-

    2. MR

      What have you seen?

    3. KR

      Just that once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more, because now that you're one step closer to the real world and you're, you're, you've flown a bit from the nest, you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there.

    4. CR

      I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment, where-

    5. OR

      She doesn't wanna leave him.

    6. CR

      ... she feels distant from her son. What, what would you wanna hear from your mom or dad if-

  5. 14:10 – 15:27

    The 2 things you should tell your upset or annoyed kids.

    1. CR

    2. MR

      Let's say that you, l- l- let's say that Dad and I did something that really made you angry, and that impacted your friend group, and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating, and you were really mad about it.

    3. OR

      Yeah.

    4. MR

      And now you felt isolated, and you were mad that we did what we did. What would you want the parent to do?

    5. OR

      I would want you to apologize to me and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and, uh, meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say, only because it shows that you're, like, you're human too, and you make mistakes, and that you're, you also don't think that you're above it all-

    6. MR

      Mm.

    7. OR

      ... and that you're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me, in a s- in a way, and you are sorry about what you did, and just like, I think the first step, 100%, apologizing for what you did.

    8. MR

      And I think the second thing is kinda understanding that when they go off to college, that they may not leave and blaze, but Kendall, you've had an experience with your friends that a lot of people that had bad relationships with their

  6. 15:27 – 16:07

    The importance of a parental apology.

    1. MR

      family, or they fought all the time, when they got to college, what actually ended up happening?

    2. KR

      They started to appreciate them more, and I think when you have space from that environment, you can start to see it in a new perspective, which your fa- like, the, our r- your relationship with your family, I think, naturally sort of evolves once-

    3. CR

      Well, you also, you've shared with me that you also get, uh, you know, your, your perspective on the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children widens hugely

  7. 16:07 – 17:13

    How Kendalls perspective on family has changed with age and space.

    1. CR

      once you get to college.

    2. KR

      Yeah.

    3. CR

      I mean, you sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school, but as you get a little older and get out there, you, you, you, your understanding of all the different ways that

    4. KR

      ... Oh, yeah. And I think there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for, and now that I've had-

    5. CR

      We're right here. You can tell us. (laughs)

    6. KR

      Well-

    7. MR

      (laughs)

    8. OR

      (laughs)

    9. KR

      That's what I'm doing. You knew in the moment. Don't even pretend.

    10. CR

      (laughs)

    11. KR

      But there were dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for.

    12. MR

      Like what? Name one.

    13. KR

      Didn't let me go to some parties, didn't let me hang out with some people, gave m- even, even if it wasn't, uh, s- preventing me from actually doing an activity, just giving me opinions that I didn't wanna hear all the time.

    14. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    15. KR

      Just parenting me, like... (laughs)

    16. MR

      (laughs)

    17. CR

      (laughs)

    18. KR

      You know what I mean? (laughs) Like, but there were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you-

    19. CR

      (laughs)

    20. KR

      ... and made me slam doors

  8. 17:13 – 19:14

    The things Mel and Chris did that Kendall hated in high school

    1. KR

      and point fingers, specifically middle fingers, and-

    2. MR

      (laughs)

    3. KR

      ... now that I have had a lot of years outside of the house, and I don't live at home anymore, and I've graduated college, I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to love me and set me up for success over and over and over. And I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would be, I would have acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it, you know?

    4. MR

      Mm-hmm. What do, wh- wh- what do we do th- what do we do that pisses you off, Oak?

    5. OR

      Um...

    6. CR

      We talk to him in the morning.

    7. OR

      Mm.

    8. KR

      Yeah, that's...

    9. OR

      Yeah. Honestly, that's my biggest thing. There's been so many times (laughs) where I've been like in the kitchen trying to like fill up my water bottle for the day, and you come in and start having a conversation with me, and I (laughs) , it's like-

    10. MR

      (laughs)

    11. KR

      (laughs)

    12. OR

      ... I wanna like uppercut you. (laughs)

    13. KR

      I'm, I...

    14. CR

      (laughs)

    15. OR

      I'm like, "Please get away from me."

    16. KR

      I actually...... had the exact same experience this morning with mom. I was-

    17. MR

      Oh, we had the worst fight, you guys.

    18. KR

      It... Okay, you're still being dramatic-

    19. MR

      Bullshit.

    20. CR

      (laughs)

    21. KR

      ... which is what you were doing this morning.

    22. MR

      Okay. Can we talk about what happened?

    23. KR

      Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy-

    24. MR

      Oh, thank you.

    25. KR

      ... and rude.

    26. MR

      Thank you.

    27. KR

      You're welcome. And I'm really sorry for treating you like S-H-I-T, because I was really rude this morning-

    28. MR

      Oh, thank you.

    29. KR

      ... and I feel bad about it.

    30. MR

      Wow, thank you. But-

  9. 19:14 – 21:23

    Let’s unpack the fight Mel and Kendall had this morning.

    1. KR

      and her mom. It was amazing. We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks, um, and-

    2. MR

      And a gummy.

    3. KR

      ... and a few gummies.

    4. CR

      Ooh.

    5. KR

      And we were-

    6. MR

      Laughing?

    7. KR

      ... we laughed our butts off, and just wore matching PJs to bed, shout out to my roommate's mom, and we had booked a 7:00 AM workout class the night before, and before bed, we're climbing into bed and we both are looking at each other saying, "No, we're not going to make the class."

    8. MR

      (laughs)

    9. KR

      We're not going to make the class. But my mom had to be here at 9:00 in the morning, so we still had our alarms set pretty early. So, we go to bed. An hour into trying to fall asleep, my mom is a furnace.

    10. CR

      Literally.

    11. KR

      I'm sure you know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot, so...

    12. CR

      More like a nuclear reactor.

    13. KR

      Yeah. I am... I-

    14. MR

      Yes, I am so hot.

    15. KR

      Furnace is an understatement. You, like-

    16. MR

      I radiate heat?

    17. KR

      Yes. And so all night, I was tossing and turning-

    18. CR

      It's 'cause you're so hot.

    19. KR

      ... sweating... Oh, whoa. (laughs)

    20. MR

      (laughs)

    21. CR

      Whoa-kay.

    22. KR

      Um, anyway, I was tossing and turning all night, didn't get, didn't get great sleep, partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees.

    23. MR

      (laughs) And I was not on my Eight Sleep pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down, so keep going. Sponsor of the show shout-out.

    24. KR

      Oh, okay. That was-

    25. CR

      Plug.

    26. KR

      ... that was smooth.

    27. MR

      Thank you.

    28. KR

      Um, so anyway, my alarm goes off at 6:30. Immediately turn it off, and mom's like wide awake, turns over at me and is like, "We're not going to Pilates?" (laughs)

    29. MR

      Question. I didn't state-

    30. KR

      Question.

  10. 21:23 – 25:48

    Ever try to make a workout class hungover?

    1. MR

      my suitcase packed and-

    2. KR

      Well, no, because here's, here's... Scratch everything I just said.

    3. MR

      No, just w- keep going.

    4. KR

      Um, we wake up too early, miss our w- exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover, and it's also bright outside and it's gloomy, and my mom is 500 degrees in my bed. And I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful, awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth, and washing my little face, and getting my little workout clothes on. But instead, I woke up, was 503 degrees.

    5. CR

      (laughs)

    6. KR

      I open my eyes and my m- it looks like a tornado has gone through my room full of my mom's stuff.

    7. MR

      (laughs)

    8. KR

      I have so much sympathy for your life. (laughs)

    9. CR

      Yeah. It's...

    10. KR

      It's insane. It's insane. It's like everything that you own is alive and has legs-

    11. CR

      (laughs)

    12. KR

      ... and just picks a spot to spend the night-

    13. CR

      (laughs)

    14. KR

      ... that's not in the suitcase. And so I wake up and immediately I'm hungover, I'm groggy, it's way earlier than I expected to be up 'cause we said we weren't gonna go to our workout class. Immediately my mom gets out of bed. She starts, I don't even know what, pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately... Our energies were just completely not matched because she was, well, as she always is in the morning, "Hey, what's going on? Hey, girl."

    15. CR

      (laughs)

    16. KR

      "Are you ready to go?" And I'm like, "I'm gonna strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now."

    17. MR

      (laughs)

    18. KR

      So then she's all chipper and I'm just meeting her with just really negative energy, and we just kind of got into it because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, it, she just shuts down and then I'm like, "Don't shut down." So, it was just this... And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed-

    19. CR

      (laughs)

    20. KR

      ... and we literally both laughed and I was like, "Are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie. Do not do that." (laughs) So, we were kind of laughing but also kind of fighting, but then it kind of just put our whole mor- it kind of just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.

    21. MR

      Totally.

    22. KR

      And it-

    23. MR

      It was the worst. Like-

    24. KR

      ... it was just horrible, and then...

    25. MR

      I, I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she's, "Shh, shh," 'cause she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate or her roommate's mother. So, she's shushing me-

    26. KR

      Which is fair and kind-

    27. MR

      ... and I-

    28. KR

      ... and considerate.

    29. MR

      And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed 'cause I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all over the thing, and she's like, "Can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed." I'm like, "Can I just get my suitcase packed so I can get it off your bed?" "I need to make my bed right now." And I'm like, "Okay, then I'll put it on the ground." And then she's like, psst, making her bed in a fuss as I'm then trying... And we're bumping into each other 'cause the whole room-

    30. KR

      The room is tiny.

  11. 25:48 – 27:08

    Never let guilt make you do something you don’t want to do.

    1. MR

      you do it." And then we get in the car and she's like (grunts) , you know, kind of like (grunts) . Like you can tell like when somebody is mad 'cause they drive with their elbows up, they're really like mad as they drive. And it's true.

    2. KR

      That's LA.

    3. MR

      It's true.

    4. KR

      True.

    5. MR

      It's true.

    6. KR

      No, well-

    7. MR

      Thank you for apologizing.

    8. KR

      Yeah. Well, I- I also just think that-

    9. (laughs) She's about to rescind it.

    10. No, and I- I actually do apologize, because that- my negative energy got my own morning started off on the wrong foot, and then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated, but I don't...

    11. MR

      Here's what I learned this morning. I learned a number of things. You ready? Number one, most of the time when you fight with people that you care about, it is about either energy not matching, so you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around like the Energizer Bunny, or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you and now I'm in the way of that, and so however you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it, and you're not really mad at the other person, it's all this pent-up energy that you feel because you're not able to just go

  12. 27:08 – 29:16

    The 4 lessons Mel learned from her fight with Kendall.

    1. MR

      about the beginning of your day the way that you want to.

    2. KR

      Mm-hmm.

    3. MR

      And one of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important to distinguish, 'cause it's something I'm kind of proud of, is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw them on your bed...

    4. KR

      (laughs)

    5. MR

      ... as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were tr- making me move my stuff so you could make your bed, um, I just let you, like the let them theory. I'm just like, "She's gonna get pissed. She needs to make her bed in a huff. She wants to be all bitchy. Let her. Just let her." And the second thing that I was able to do because I unhooked myself from you, even when we were in the car I'm like, "Just let her be annoyed. Let her be mad about this. Like I don't have to fix it. I can let you have your emotion 'cause your morning didn't go how you wanted it to go and now you're pissed that you said you would drive me somewhere." We've all been there. But what diffuses it faster is not trying to actually change someone else's emotional state. Just let them be upset. Let them be mad. Let them feel guilty that they did something, and you just stay neutral in your body. And there was one moment when we were fighting that I felt an old pattern come up, and it's something I've worked hard to get rid of. I used to hold the things that I did for you guys over your heads when I was pissed at you. So for example, you and I went shopping yesterday and you were wearing the new running shoes I had bought you, and I was a millisecond away from going, "After all the things I bought you yesterday, you can't just let me pack?" And I was like, "Nope. Nope, Mel." Because if you want to buy somebody something, buy them something, but do not hold that shit over their head as a reason they need to be obedient to you. That for me was a huge breakthrough on my part, and I'm not saying I was the best this morning, but I want to share that insight because one of the hardest

  13. 29:16 – 31:02

    What to do when your old patterns shine through in a conflict.

    1. MR

      things for me when I was little was feeling like I had to behave to get love. I had to comply if somebody bought me something. That everything came with strings attached and that love was earned, not given. And not bringing up, "After all the things I do for you, the stuff I just bought you," blahbity blahbity blah as a way to drill you to do something, I think that is so important not to bring into your relationships. If you want to do something nice for somebody, do it because you want to do something nice for somebody, not because you're going to expect them to owe you something because of it.

    2. KR

      Yeah. I also just think that in- in that situation, we both could have just taken-

    3. MR

      We should have hugged.

    4. KR

      ... that, but we both could have just taken a deep breath and relaxed because we were not in a rush, but we were acting like we were. And so unless it's life or death and you're about to hop in an ambulance, if you're in that kind of situation, take a deep breath and actually think about what you need to move through that sort of negative energy hump. I could have just said to you, "Stop doing your makeup, stop curling your hair, stop brushing your teeth. Please, for the next five minutes, just pick up your stuff and then I'll be chill."You know what I mean?

    5. MR

      Yep.

    6. KR

      But instead, you were like, doing your makeup, pulling more stuff out, put- making more of a mess doing this, and then I was trying to, like, overcompensate by not just asking you to do the thing that, like, I needed you to do.

    7. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    8. KR

      And you could have just said, "Okay, I'm gonna pick up my stuff. You go cool off in the kitchen." You know what I mean?

    9. MR

      Yes.

    10. KR

      Just, like, breathe and talk about it, 'cause I was just getting very angry.

    11. CR

      Just out of curiosity,

  14. 31:02 – 35:36

    Remember the let them theory? This is how Mel uses it in family conflict.

    1. CR

      when mom was, quote unquote, "letting you (coughing) do or be how you were," was that... How did that feel? Was that working for you that... Or was that just working for mom (laughs) that she was letting you be?

    2. KR

      Well, oh, it definitely didn't work for me.

    3. CR

      (laughs)

    4. KR

      And I was actually going to say, I was actually going to say, thank you for bringing this up, because I was actually going to say that if you are somebody that's going to practice the let them theory, the other person that you're letting do their thing is probably gonna get more of whatever emotion they're feeling-

    5. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    6. KR

      ... before they're gonna get less.

    7. MR

      Yes.

    8. KR

      You letting them, it's like when a kid is having a temper tantrum and you just let them cry it out. You're gonna get more angry before you're gonna cool down. Yeah. It definitely was uncomfortable because I'm like, "I just want to bitch you out right now, but you're just all chipper in the corner over there letting me do my thing." But I do think it would have been nice if you could have just said, 'cause Dad brought up the guilt thing and how you let me, let my, I let my guilt get the best of me, but-

    9. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    10. KR

      ... if you don't care and you're gonna let me do my thing, it would have been nice to just be like...

    11. CR

      Well, I don't think it's about her not caring.

    12. KR

      No, it's not my job.

    13. CR

      She, she does-

    14. KR

      Your job is to manage your guilt.

    15. CR

      She does care. But the, but ironically, there's nothing that she could have said that would have actually made the situation better.

    16. KR

      But, but I will say, it didn't... Well, maybe we're just getting nitty gritty now and we're just bickering again, but it didn't feel like, "Ken, I seriously don't mind getting a car." It was like, "I don't care, I'll get a car." That was the energy.

    17. MR

      Okay, and here's how the let them theory works. Then let me get a car.

    18. KR

      Fair.

    19. MR

      Right? Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean you have to own that.

    20. KR

      True.

    21. MR

      Um, awesome. Thank you for unpacking that. Anything else as a takeaway?

    22. KR

      Pick up your shit.

    23. MR

      Okay, thank you for that. Hug me next time, bitch. Okay. (laughs)

    24. CR

      (laughs)

    25. KR

      (laughs) Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it, babe.

    26. MR

      What? Okay, we're gonna stop right now.

    27. CR

      (laughs)

    28. MR

      Okay, we're stopping this, okay?

    29. KR

      To be continued.

    30. MR

      To be continued. Did you want to say anything, Oakley?

  15. 35:36 – 37:55

    The importance of expressing your needs without being prompted.

    1. KR

      then I always feel-

    2. MR

      Bad that you came in.

    3. KR

      Yeah. And I think that is something that we have worked on in our relationship, and s- it's still a work in progress, but you've gotten really good at, before you used to just, like, advice vomit whenever I was having a problem.

    4. MR

      (laughs)

    5. KR

      And it was so frustrating because sometimes I didn't want advice, I just wanted you to listen-

    6. MR

      Mm-hmm.

    7. KR

      ... and not... And you s- and you still do this thing that is way better than the vomiting of the advice, but is still sometimes triggering for me when you, when I come to you with something and you go, "Well, do you want me to listen or do you want advice?" And that feels very much so... Okay, well, if I tell you that I just want you to listen, I know you're just thinking about all the advice you want to give me. Do you know what I mean?

    8. MR

      I actually love that, Q, because I feel like it allows me to know how you need me to show up.

    9. KR

      Maybe then I'm just, in real time, realizing that I need to be the one that tells you what I need, not you ask.

    10. MR

      Yes.Well, sometimes you don't know what you need. That's why I, I use that phrase.

    11. KR

      Yeah. But sometimes it feels, sometimes... It's hard sometimes when... My whole point being that I think it should come from the person that needs the space, not the prompting of the, "What's your light? What's your light? What light?"

    12. MR

      (laughs)

    13. KR

      "What are, what light are you? What light are you?" It's like, walk in, "Hey, Chris, what's up? How was your Zoom call?" Assess the situation. If he's like, "Oh, great. It was awesome, Mel. What's up?" Then you can go in. And then if he goes, "It's actually a red light," then you can back off. But if you were to just take 30 seconds and kind of assess and, you know what I mean?

    14. MR

      Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    15. KR

      Am I shutting you down?

    16. MR

      No.

    17. KR

      Okay.

    18. MR

      I'm listening.

    19. OR

      No, but that approach is not typically how a tornado enters any room, so.

    20. MR

      True. We'll try it. So I, I... Here's what I'm getting. This is a no, a no-go for a family-

    21. KR

      Yeah. I don't like it very much.

    22. MR

      I don't think anyone... Okay. We... No, not gonna do it. All right. "My daughter is struggling with our move. I waited for this year so we could move her as a freshman in high school. She was settling in nicely, but didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with. Seeing all her friends back in our old state having fun and being dressed up,

  16. 37:55 – 40:55

    How to support a child who is the “new kid” at school.

    1. MR

      along with no one yet to hang out with after school, has her sad and anxious. Topping that, her sister and best friend also left our house for college a couple weeks ago. This courageous girl is losing momentum, becoming unsure and lonely. Please help." You two both look very sad.

    2. OR

      I'm just thinking, thinking it over. It's, uh-

    3. KR

      That sucks. I'm sorry.

    4. OR

      It's my homecoming weekend as well, so.

    5. KR

      Oh.

    6. MR

      Right now?

    7. OR

      (laughs) I'm missing the dance, yeah. But... Wait, did she still go to the dance?

    8. MR

      No.

    9. OR

      Oof. Very different story though. You're a senior, you've-

    10. KR

      You know everyone.

    11. OR

      This, we're talking about a freshman, new school. Well, moving- New, new town. Moving freshman year, like if she had a bunch of friends that she used to know, I feel like a move is always gonna be hard regardless. And also, homecoming is only like a month into school. So, I, I mean like high school isn't the, high school isn't like the movie that you see every now and then where it's like the new girl comes in and she's stunning, and then the perfect boy wants to go to homecoming with her. And so if you've been at school for a month and you've barely met people, it's understandable that you may not have a date to the homecoming. And it's also your freshman year, and you have plenty more homecomings to look forward to when you do have a date. But I mean, do we know if she's like trying to make friends, or is she just kind of like sitting around?

    12. MR

      I think she's doing what a lot of people do when they get to college too, and they look at their other friends having fun online and-

    13. KR

      Mm-hmm. Compare.

    14. MR

      Yeah. And she's comparing, and she doesn't have a friend group yet, and she didn't have a date to homecoming.

    15. KR

      Okay. I have an idea.

    16. MR

      Yep. Let's go.

    17. KR

      Um, well, I think, first and foremost, she needs to give herself some grace and understand that it's not gonna happen overnight. I, I think even if you're networking and trying to make as many new friends as you possibly could, but also don't lose your spark. Keep putting yourself out there, as hard as that is.

    18. OR

      Freshman year, there's so many opportunities to meet people, and so you have a full year to meet a bunch of people, and I wouldn't compare yourself to your friends who already have their friend group back home. Like you have moved, so you're in a completely new space, new people, and all your friends are in an old place with old people who they already know.

    19. KR

      Mm-hmm.

    20. OR

      So it's not like they're moving faster than you are. They've just had 10 extra years with these people, and you have known these people for the first time. So like Kendall said, like have some grace and just like branch out and meet new people.

    21. KR

      Yeah. And see it as maybe change, change your perspective on it and start to see it as an opportunity to expand your world and make even more

  17. 40:55 – 44:21

    The 3 small things you can start doing today to make new friends.

    1. KR

      amazing friends. And think about the friend group that you had where you lived before, and tell yourself that you can find that here too.

    2. MR

      Here's, here's my take on it. Change is really hard. It's gonna take a year. It's gonna take an entire school year to feel comfortable being at that new school. And oftentimes when we're confronted and scared, we avoid facing the things we're scared of. And it's very easy to sit on your phone and look at the lives of your old friends, and that's easier than putting yourself out there in the new school. And so every small thing that you can do, from joining a club, to uh, taking classes that are more creative because you're gonna be around more creative kids, to showing up at the dance without a date, to hanging out with other kids that are new in the school, to sitting at different tables in the lunchroom, to inviting people over to your house so you can find your people, every single one of those moves is gonna feel hard.

    3. KR

      Mm-hmm.

    4. MR

      And it's gonna take a year, and you should expect it. And when you expect that it's gonna take a year to feel like you belong at a new school, you will have more grace for yourself.

    5. OR

      You know, I'm a senior mentor at my school right now, which just means I have a group of first years that I look after.

    6. MR

      Yeah.

    7. OR

      And, uh, what I've taken away so far is just that everybody's going through stuff. Everybody has something going on. So you are 100% not alone in this.

    8. MR

      That's a good perspective, because I think when you're new, you think everybody's got it figured out. So Oak, I think you've done such an awesome job today. You wanna do the sign-off right now? I mean, Kr- Kendall's already left the room, so do you wanna do a, a sign-off?

    9. OR

      No, I'm good.

    10. MR

      (laughs)

    11. OR

      I'll just sit back and judge you this time.

    12. MR

      (laughs) Stop. Well, alrighty then. Um, I had an amazing time with you listening and with, uh, our family here today. We had a ton of laughs and so many amazing insights. I'm really proud of how you guys show up, so thank you. And there were not as many, uh, petty arguments and disagreements as I thought. And if you are seeing family today, I want you to remember that no matter how everybody shows up to whatever you're doing at Thanksgiving or over the holidays, they may be going through something. So just show up with a little grace. You know, Chelsea and her son remind us of that. Or maybe they've had a tough start to the morning like me and Kendall. Oh, she's back. Yeah, or, or maybe they need some space, you know? So as much as my family really trashed the red light, green light tip, I like it. So look for some green lights, you know? And you always have the green light to hang out with us.

    13. OR

      Of course. Anytime, any day, any week. (laughs) I guess I'll take over the ending now. So if nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationship with your family members. Now go and do it, and save me some of those Thanksgiving leftovers, especially the mashed potatoes and some gravy. Oh, that's my favorite.

    14. MR

      (laughs) Oak, I love you, and I wanna tell you that I love you too. We'll talk to you in a few days. Happy Thanksgiving.

    15. OR

      Woo!

    16. MR

      Thanks for watching here on YouTube, and if you loved this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, you're gonna wanna watch this one next. It's awesome.

Episode duration: 44:21

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