Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

1. 0:00 – 4:20

   Meet the Guest

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      I have a personal story that I am dying to share with you. Our 21-year-old son, Oakley, is gonna be joining me on this episode. He's been miserable at school for about 18 months, like, the lowest I have ever seen my son in his entire life. Couple weekends ago, our son came home, he's a sophomore in college, and I was so shocked at how happy he was. As he started to detail the things that had changed, there were four specific takeaways that emerged. As you go through them one by one, it helps you understand, okay, is it truly the situation that's making me unhappy, or is it me?

   2. OROakley Robbins0:44

      I needed to get off my high horse and stop assuming that the place I was in was going to become the place I was once at.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:53

      You can't open a new door if you're gripping the old one.

   4. OROakley Robbins0:58

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:59

      And you cannot be content where your feet are if you're constantly comparing it to where you've been. When you get yourself in a situation where you're comparing the old to the new, and you start judging it, you cross your arms, and you gotta really check your energy. Are you shrinking, or is your energy expansive-

   6. OROakley Robbins1:22

      Yeah

   7. MRMel Robbins1:22

      ... and you're leaning in? So let's move on to the next piece-

   8. OROakley Robbins1:25

      Mm-hmm

   9. MRMel Robbins1:25

      ... 'cause this is takeaway three on our checklist. Is it me, or is it the situation?

   10. OROakley Robbins1:29

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:29

       Do I need to change, or do I need to change the situation? Are you 100% in it? Because it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in 40%. That brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist. If you lower expectations, and you stop comparing, and you expand your energy, and you say yes, and you close the exits, and you really just be where your feet are in this chapter, you'll be shocked by what can happen in a year. I am so thrilled you're here. You're gonna love this episode. But before we jump in, my team was showing me something. 57% of you who watch the Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube are not subscribers. My goal is that we get that number to 50%, and I know you're the kinda person who loves supporting people who support you, so if the subscribe button is lit up, it means you're not a subscriber. Please hit subscribe. That's how you can show your support to your friend Mel Robbins and the team here at the Mel Robbins Podcast. It's free. That way you don't miss a thing, and it tells me and the team that you love the guests that we're bringing and the content that we're putting here in an attempt to support you in creating a better life. All righty, thank you so much for doing that. You are gonna love this episode, so let's jump in. Please help me welcome my 21-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   12. OROakley Robbins2:49

       Hello, everybody. Thank you for having me.

   13. MRMel Robbins2:51

       [laughs]

   14. OROakley Robbins2:51

       Really excited to be here.

   15. MRMel Robbins2:53

       So Oakley, the reason why I wanted you to come on is because about a month ago, you came rolling in after work, uh, in your window washing business-

   16. OROakley Robbins3:04

       Mm-hmm

   17. MRMel Robbins3:04

       ... and we had just wrapped taping a episode for the podcast here in Vermont, and you were just so bubbly and so happy and, uh, one of our team members, I think it was Ben-

   18. OROakley Robbins3:15

       Yeah

   19. MRMel Robbins3:15

       ... asked you, like, "Dude, what happened?" Because you had been very open about the fact that the first year and a half of your college experience basically sucked.

   20. OROakley Robbins3:27

       It was horrible.

   21. MRMel Robbins3:28

       Well, what... And, and, and so Ben started asking you questions like, "What changed?" Like, "W- did you transfer?" You're like, "Nope."

   22. OROakley Robbins3:34

       Mm-mm.

   23. MRMel Robbins3:35

       And we kept peppering you with questions. Like, what was it exactly that had you go from hating where you were, feeling lost, feeling down, and we started to pick apart these things that were changing, that you changed, and there were four themes that emerged.

   24. OROakley Robbins3:57

       Mm.

   25. MRMel Robbins3:57

       Those four things that you shared about are a checklist that anybody could use to look at a situation that they're in where they're really unhappy and figure out, is it me, or is it time to change the situation? Do I need to change, or does the situation need to change? Sometimes it's both.

   26. OROakley Robbins4:17

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins4:17

       Okay? So for the person that's here with us-

   28. OROakley Robbins4:19

       Yeah

2. 4:20 – 9:23

   The 4 Reasons Life Changes So Hard

   1. MRMel Robbins4:20

      ... why don't you tell them, Oak, basically what you thought was gonna happen when you went to college, and then what the reality was, and how you felt for the last 18 months.

   2. OROakley Robbins4:30

      I think before I can get into what changed, I need to talk about kinda what it... where, like where it all began-

   3. MRMel Robbins4:36

      Yeah, great

   4. OROakley Robbins4:37

      ... in a sense. And so it all started in high school. Uh, I loved high school, like, more than anything. [laughs] High school was just so great. I had great friends, great family. Um, I really felt valued there, and I really valued the place that I was in. Um, I was challenged academically. I was on sports teams. I was the team captain of both sports teams I was on. Um, and every single day was just pure joy, you know? Waking up and being like, "Oh, like this is the best." Like I'm so excited to go in and see all these people that I love so dearly, and I just, I cannot wait.

   5. MRMel Robbins5:10

      And I wanna say one thing.

   6. OROakley Robbins5:12

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins5:13

      Prior to high school.

   8. OROakley Robbins5:14

      Oh, I did not like school. Prior to high school, I hated school. Like, hated it with a burning passion. Um-

   9. MRMel Robbins5:21

      Did you have a lot of friends?

   10. OROakley Robbins5:23

       No, and I wasn't very, I wasn't very, uh, good in the academic field. Like, everything was kinda just downhill. Middle school and elementary school was all pretty, pretty tough for me. I, I, I believe that I would never be a school guy. And then when I got to high school, something just kinda switched for me, and, um, I really started to dive into the academics. I really dove into the friendships, and I really just like, uh, immersed myself in the world of school, and it all became this wonderful thing that I fell in love with. And that's also probably why I say I love high school so much, because it was the first time in my life where I had something like that that I was like, "Wow, this is amazing." Um, and I'd never felt so strongly about a place and people before, so that was, that was incredible.

   11. MRMel Robbins6:05

       And it sounds like you also felt very strongly about yourself.

   12. OROakley Robbins6:07

       Yes. I was also very happy with me and who I was in that place, in that setting, and how I operated and moved through that world.

   13. MRMel Robbins6:15

       Were you outgoing?

   14. OROakley Robbins6:16

       Yes, very. I was super outgoing. I knew everybody at my school. Um, we had about 900 kids at my school, um, and I knew everyone in my class, everyone in the class below, um, and just everybody. I was a senior mentor, so I kinda looked after a group of freshmen, and that provided me a lot of purpose. Um, I went to a soup kitchen after school, and I was able to help out the local Vermont community. I really inserted myself in the community. You know, I really put myself in there, and I really made sure that I was doing all the things and getting busy and meeting people and just kinda saying yes to everything I could.

   15. MRMel Robbins6:52

       Now, one of the reasons why I wanted a little bit of detail is because I think one of the magical things about life is that periods of your life in the past where you were happy or content or fulfilled provide clues-

   16. OROakley Robbins7:10

       Mm-hmm

   17. MRMel Robbins7:10

       ... about how you can access those feelings again in your present life.

   18. OROakley Robbins7:16

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins7:16

       And that brings me to the next question, which is what happened when you went to college?

   20. OROakley Robbins7:22

       So senior rolls around, and college decisions, the applications, they're not great, but, you know-

   21. MRMel Robbins7:28

       [laughs]

   22. OROakley Robbins7:29

       ... you get through 'em. I still loved my life, you know. I still had a lot of fun. Um, anyways, it, it comes time to, uh, pick where I wanted to go, and I, you know, I, I was excited about some colleges. I wasn't about others, and because I had so much joy and love for the current place that I was in, I honestly didn't wanna go anywhere, and I wasn't too excited about any of the decisions I made. So it comes time to go to college, and I am already dreading it. I am not excited to leave my home. I'm not excited to leave my friends. I'd just gotten into a relationship, and I was very, very, very, like, smitten with this girl. She was incredible. And so I had so many reasons [laughs] not to leave. Um, and the only reason why I felt like I should go is because everybody says you should go to college. And so going into it, I was really shooting myself in the foot 'cause I didn't even wanna go in the first place. And so I got there, and I was immediately miserable. [laughs] I was so sad. It was raining the day we move- we moved in, and I just remember moving all my stuff into my room and feeling excited for this... I was telling myself I was excited for this new chapter in life, and that it was gonna be super exciting because everybody always says that college is the best four years of your life. And so I was trying to hype myself up and say, you know, "This is gonna be great. You're gonna, you're gonna love this. It's gonna be better. It's gonna be better than what you once had," and, you know, "Even though you just le- let go of everything that you loved, you're gonna, you're gonna find much better, and you're gonna enjoy it even more." And so obviously, day one, I didn't have that, and I was so scared, and I would have given anything to go back to the feelings and the things that I had before I got there.

   23. MRMel Robbins9:21

       I think we all do this. Like, and this

3. 9:23 – 23:21

   How to Find Happiness Right Where You Are

   1. MRMel Robbins9:23

      is kind... This gets us to takeaway one-

   2. OROakley Robbins9:25

      Hmm

   3. MRMel Robbins9:25

      ... which is you can't open a new door if you're gripping the old one.

   4. OROakley Robbins9:32

      Yeah.

   5. MRMel Robbins9:33

      And you cannot be content where your feet are if you're constantly comparing it to where you've been.

   6. OROakley Robbins9:43

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins9:43

      You just can't do that.

   8. OROakley Robbins9:45

      No, you can't.

   9. MRMel Robbins9:46

      But I want you to put us at the scene, because as you're listening to Oak, you may be comparing your life before something happened. Like, maybe you lost somebody you loved, and you're constantly looking back, and it's been years.

   10. OROakley Robbins10:03

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins10:03

       Maybe you changed jobs, and you are comparing this to the old. Maybe you're in a new relationship, and you're comparing it to an old relationship. You know, I've had a very similar experience, Oak, and I'll share more about this, that when we moved from the Boston area to Vermont, you were on cloud nine.

   12. OROakley Robbins10:26

       I was on cloud nine. It was amazing.

   13. MRMel Robbins10:28

       I needed professional help.

   14. OROakley Robbins10:30

       [laughs] You did.

   15. MRMel Robbins10:31

       I was so unhappy. I hated it here. I hated everything about it. The second my feet hit the state, I was convinced we had made a mistake, and if you're unhappy where you are right now, you have to ask yourself honestly, "Am I spending a lot of time comparing this to that?"

   16. OROakley Robbins10:54

       Hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins10:54

       "Am I spending a lot of time holding something from the past over the present?"

   18. OROakley Robbins10:58

       Hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins10:58

       Because that is a guaranteed way to make you super unhappy now if you're constantly comparing what happened in the past to what is in front of you in the present.

   20. OROakley Robbins11:11

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins11:11

       And so I want you to put us at the scene-

   22. OROakley Robbins11:14

       Mm-hmm

   23. MRMel Robbins11:14

       ... of how this would affect your day-to-day life.

   24. OROakley Robbins11:18

       Okay.

   25. MRMel Robbins11:19

       Like, you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking?

   26. OROakley Robbins11:21

       I'm immediately like, wow, I'm, I miss my room, and I miss my dogs, and I miss my cat. Um-

   27. MRMel Robbins11:27

       You're walking down the, the hallway, or you're walking across campus to class.

   28. OROakley Robbins11:32

       Yeah, and I'm immediately met with this sense of loneliness. You gotta take into account that this is still the first few months of school, so I'm walking to class, and I'm thinking, g- goodness, this would be so much better if my hometown friends were here, and I was walking to class with my hometown friends instead of walking to class with these mutuals or with nobody.

   29. MRMel Robbins11:50

       What's a mutual?

   30. OROakley Robbins11:51

       Like, a friend that's, you don't really know, but you've, like, met 'em a few times, and so you're like, "You're mutual friends," but I'm not gonna, like, I'm not gonna go out of my way to hang out with you, but if I see you, I'll say hey.
4. 23:21 – 32:15

   The Power of Saying Yes

   1. MRMel Robbins23:21

      So let's move on to the second one, 'cause we've already alluded to it, which is when you get yourself in a situation where you're comparing the old to the new and you start judging it, you cross your arms, and you gotta really check your energy. So this is takeaway number two.

   2. OROakley Robbins23:38

      Hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins23:38

      Are you shrinking or is your energy expansive-

   4. OROakley Robbins23:43

      Yeah

   5. MRMel Robbins23:44

      ... and you're leaning in?

   6. OROakley Robbins23:45

      Yeah. I got that I was really stubborn-

   7. MRMel Robbins23:47

      [laughs]

   8. OROakley Robbins23:47

      ... and, [laughs] and when, when I made the change, because I had so many wonderful people in my life saying, "Oakley, just go and try new things, and go say yes to all these people, and, you know, your friends right now might not be the greatest, but who knows? Go me- go try and meet more people." And I was like, "No. Everyone here sucks."

   9. MRMel Robbins24:06

      [laughs]

   10. OROakley Robbins24:06

       "And this place sucks. And everything at this school sucks. And I hate everything and I wanna go home." And everybody was, was feeding me the information and the, the, the tools that I needed to, to succeed and to love this place, and all I wanted to do was cross my arms and complain and say no. And I was being so, so stubborn. And it was so bad of me 'cause I, I... Things could've changed a lot quicker

   11. MRMel Robbins24:30

       Ooh, that's a great insight. That's very honest, because you were stubborn for a year and a half.

   12. OROakley Robbins24:35

       Yes. I'm stupid. So dumb-

   13. MRMel Robbins24:37

       [laughs]

   14. OROakley Robbins24:37

       ... with me. It was so dumb. Like, I wish someone had, like, slapped some sense into me.

   15. MRMel Robbins24:43

       I tried.

   16. OROakley Robbins24:43

       You'd very w- You did try, and I was very, very... I just didn't wanna move from my position.

   17. MRMel Robbins24:50

       What, what, what could I have done differently?

   18. OROakley Robbins24:53

       Hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins24:54

       Because I would call you on a Friday night, and you are a college freshman.

   20. OROakley Robbins24:59

       Yeah, guys, I was, I was... I would sit in my dorm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was actually scared of the weekends 'cause the weekdays were great 'cause we had our schedules, you know, and we went to class, and we did all that. And then the weekends would come, and everyone would be like, "All right," like, "Let's go party." And I'd be like, "Oh, I don't wanna, I don't wanna do that." Like, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna go out, and I don't wanna go party." So the weekends were really hard because it was like, uh, someone was holding a mirror up to my face being like, "You're doing something that you shouldn't be doing 'cause it's hurting you right now, and you know what you should be doing, and you're actively going against what you need." And...

   21. MRMel Robbins25:33

       You and I are so similar.

   22. OROakley Robbins25:35

       Yeah, I know. It's great. [laughs]

   23. MRMel Robbins25:37

       Well, not great when you're torturing yourself.

   24. OROakley Robbins25:39

       Oh, well, yeah, in the stubborn world, but, you know.

   25. MRMel Robbins25:41

       Well, because when I moved here, and we got here, and I started comparing it to our old life, and I started hating it, and get, getting very unhappy, and s- I started convincing myself that the place was wrong.

   26. OROakley Robbins25:57

       Mm.

   27. MRMel Robbins25:57

       We needed to move back. We had made a mistake. I started what sounds like you did, which is quietly quitting-

   28. OROakley Robbins26:06

       Yeah

   29. MRMel Robbins26:07

       ... on the decision. I started turning against the place I was in, and I spent so much energy crying, sitting alone, convincing myself this was a huge mistake.

   30. OROakley Robbins26:21

       Yeah.
5. 32:15 – 37:03

   How to Create Your Own Luck

   1. OROakley Robbins32:15

      to them.

   2. MRMel Robbins32:15

      You know, I love this example, Oak, because it reminds me of really incredible research this, that this professor, Tina Seelig from Stanford, came on this podcast and shared about the science of luck.

   3. OROakley Robbins32:27

      Hm.

   4. MRMel Robbins32:28

      And people aren't just, quote, "lucky," people who seem to be lucky have this particular habit, and the habit is intentionally putting yourself in the current-

   5. OROakley Robbins32:42

      Yeah

   6. MRMel Robbins32:42

      ... of the things that you want. Intentionally taking small actions that help you collide with the thing that you want. And intellectually, we know that the more people you say hello to, the more people that you, uh, reach out to for lunch, the more parties you go to and you uncross your arms and you walk in and you have an attitude like, "You know, my favorite person that I've ever met in my life might be in this room."

   7. OROakley Robbins33:08

      Yeah, that's true.

   8. MRMel Robbins33:09

      You know? They might. Like, you have this open-mindedness that you put yourself in a position to be lucky because you're in the same room, but you have to stop comparing yourself to your old life.

   9. OROakley Robbins33:26

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins33:27

       You have to be more expansive, you have to give it a year, and you have to start saying yes-

   11. OROakley Robbins33:31

       Mm-hmm

   12. MRMel Robbins33:31

       ... while you have that attitude, and then what happens? You get lucky.

   13. OROakley Robbins33:36

       You do.

   14. MRMel Robbins33:37

       What happened to you?

   15. OROakley Robbins33:39

       I mean, over time, slowly, slowly I started to accumulate friends that I really, really began to care about and love, and I began to slowly look around and be like, "Wait, like, this place is, this place is pretty cool," [laughs] you know? Like, I'm living near everybody who's my age and all I have to do is just walk down a few doors and see them? Like, this is, this is awesome.

   16. MRMel Robbins33:59

       Well, I think that can happen just about everywhere.

   17. OROakley Robbins34:01

       Everywhere.

   18. MRMel Robbins34:01

       Because if you're in a new job, for example, the first month you're not gonna feel like you suddenly have really good friends at work. You're probably gonna, like, put your head down and, like, get into it and try to... But the fact is, if all you ever do is put your head down and hope you fit in, then you're gonna start to pull back and you're gonna start to feel like you're on the outside of something.

   19. OROakley Robbins34:26

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins34:27

       If you take this advice to heart and you really look in the mirror, if you're feeling on the outside, you could literally look up and be like, "Well, how many people have I asked if they wanna go out for a cup of coffee or go walk around the block at lunch?" Or-

   21. OROakley Robbins34:40

       Yeah

   22. MRMel Robbins34:40

       ... "How many times have I raised my hand to do something that isn't directly related to my job? How often am I asking my colleagues about their life? Have I scheduled any one-on-ones with people, even over Zoom, just to get to know people?"

   23. OROakley Robbins34:51

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins34:52

       And so instead of taking a posture in life of sitting back and hoping it falls out of the sky or just magically happens-

   25. OROakley Robbins34:58

       That's, I was waiting for someone to just show up and for things to click, and for it to be like, wow, like, I, I love this place now. I was waiting for just one person to show up, but it's, it's on you.

   26. MRMel Robbins35:08

       Well, that's who-

   27. OROakley Robbins35:09

       It's on you

   28. MRMel Robbins35:09

       ... you were waiting for.

   29. OROakley Robbins35:10

       Yeah. I was waiting for me to get my butt in gear.

   30. MRMel Robbins35:14

       Yeah.
6. 37:03 – 46:20

   What Stops You From Being Happy

   1. OROakley Robbins37:03

      No.

   2. MRMel Robbins37:03

      So let's move on to the next piece-

   3. OROakley Robbins37:05

      Mm-hmm

   4. MRMel Robbins37:05

      ... 'cause this is takeaway three on our checklist, is it me or is it the situation?

   5. OROakley Robbins37:10

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins37:10

      Do I need to change or do I need to change the situation? Uh, and that is, are you 100% in it?

   7. OROakley Robbins37:18

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins37:19

      Because it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in 40%.

   9. OROakley Robbins37:25

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins37:26

       And obviously comparing where you currently are to your past means you're not 100% there. Your energy and shrinking and crossing your arms and being judgey, expecting something to be amazing within the first month or two, you're not 100% there. But there's also another thing that keeps you from being 100% there, and I like to think of this analogy that are both of your feet in the present chapter?

   11. OROakley Robbins37:55

       Mm.

   12. MRMel Robbins37:55

       Or do you have one foot somewhere else while you have one foot here? And straddling two Clydesdales running in different directions can be painful. And for you, you also were not 100% at school.

   13. OROakley Robbins38:15

       I was not, no. I, I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode how I had just gotten into a relationship right before I went to college. Um, and she was in the grade below me, and so for the first year of college, um, I was able to kinda like commute home and see her on weekends, which made it easy for the relationship, but it obviously didn't make it easy for, uh, the place that I was in.

   14. MRMel Robbins38:40

       Now, why?

   15. OROakley Robbins38:42

       Because, you know, my mind... I, I thought about her 24/7. [laughs] She, she's amazing, and she, I, I always just had my mind on her, and I couldn't... I, I just wished more than anything that we could be in the same place together. And I spent so much time just wanting to either go home or wanting her to come up to me and just-

   16. MRMel Robbins39:03

       Or running to your dorm room at 7:00 PM so you could have your call

   17. OROakley Robbins39:06

       ... Yeah, on a Friday or a Saturday, you know, like going late into my dorm and just kinda lock myself away from all my friends just so I could have a conversation with her. And it was, in the, in the moment, you know, I, I, I, I would, I would tell myself that, "This is what I need to be doing," like, "This is the best thing in my life, and I wanna maintain that." And arguably it was, so it made sense that I could just kinda keep that up and maintain the one good thing that I still had going for me. Um, but because of that, it really, without me knowing of course, like, it caused me to shut out, shut out everything around me and everyone around me. Because on those nights where all my friends would go out to party and all those things, I had an outlet where I could stay in my dorm and I could call my girlfriend, because it allowed me to kinda have this excuse where it's like, "Oh, well, I don't need to because I, I need to call my girlfriend and maintain this connection."

   18. MRMel Robbins39:58

       I think it's really unfair to criticize where you are if you don't give it 100%.

   19. OROakley Robbins40:04

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins40:04

       Or to blame your unhappiness on the situation you're in if you haven't given the situation your full 100%.

   21. OROakley Robbins40:12

       Yeah.

   22. MRMel Robbins40:12

       And I can see in my example of when we first moved here that I was not giving it 100%, because like you, I would drive back to Boston a lot of weekends to see my friends, which means I was not here trying to make new ones.

   23. OROakley Robbins40:30

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins40:30

       I was actively campaigning against the current situation by finding the exit.

   25. OROakley Robbins40:38

       Yeah.

   26. MRMel Robbins40:39

       And that's why you have to ask yourself, "Am I giving it 100%?" There's this famous author, Oak.

   27. OROakley Robbins40:46

       Yeah.

   28. MRMel Robbins40:46

       Harville Hendrix, he wrote this, like, landmark bestseller, How to Get the Love You Want.

   29. OROakley Robbins40:51

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins40:51

       And he has this phrase about being in a relationship and you need to close the exits.
7. 46:20 – 56:05

   If You Change Nothing, Nothing Changes

   1. MRMel Robbins46:20

      Well, that brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist.

   2. OROakley Robbins46:22

      Here we go. [laughs]

   3. MRMel Robbins46:23

      If you change nothing...

   4. OROakley Robbins46:25

      Nothing will change.

   5. MRMel Robbins46:26

      Correct.

   6. OROakley Robbins46:27

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins46:28

      And I love that you said it's a disservice to you.

   8. OROakley Robbins46:32

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins46:33

      Because imagine a world where you could look at any chapter you're in and say, "Okay. Whether it feels good or not, whether it feels like I thought it would or not, that's beside the point."

   10. OROakley Robbins46:51

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins46:52

       If you look at life like everything about life is for the experience, it's not for the purpose of being happy, it's not for the purpose of achieving the goal, it's not for the purpose of anything but the experience, then every chapter you're in can have something positive.

   12. OROakley Robbins47:13

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins47:14

       And maybe the experience is learning that you can create new friends. Maybe the experience is learning that there's strength within you that you didn't realize. Maybe the experience for you is, "Man, wow, I'm really stubborn."

   14. OROakley Robbins47:26

       Mm.

   15. MRMel Robbins47:26

       "And I need to, like, have a breakthrough in that or I miss out on life."

   16. OROakley Robbins47:31

       Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins47:32

       And what I love about this fourth takeaway is if you change nothing, nothing changes, is it really helps you with that question, "Is it me or is it the situation?" Because if you've changed-

   18. OROakley Robbins47:47

       Yeah

   19. MRMel Robbins47:47

       ... but nothing [laughs] has changed about the situation, guess what? It's time to change the situation.

   20. OROakley Robbins47:53

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins47:53

       It's not you.

   22. OROakley Robbins47:54

       It's time to get out of there.

   23. MRMel Robbins47:54

       It's the college, it's the job, it's the... Like, I have another example. Um, you know, your oldest sister worked for a massive multinational cybersecurity tech firm.

   24. OROakley Robbins48:06

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins48:06

       She was there for three years, and it was rough. It kinda had a company culture where they w- worked hybrid. It was super engineering. It was, uh, very, very, very international and a lot older-

   26. OROakley Robbins48:21

       Yeah

   27. MRMel Robbins48:21

       ... employee base.

   28. OROakley Robbins48:22

       Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins48:22

       And so as a 20-something starting her career, she just was- ... struggling to meet people her age, to have any kind of life with colleagues.

   30. OROakley Robbins48:33

       Mm-hmm.
8. 56:05 – 1:00:59

   The Reason You Need to Keep Going

   1. MRMel Robbins56:05

      You know, Oak, I, I wonder, was there a moment where you all of a sudden realized, "Wait, I'm really happy"?

   2. OROakley Robbins56:17

      Yeah. There, there is one specific moment, and it was just like a normal school day. You know, I went to class and I got lunch with some, some friends that I would consider, like, close friends now at that point. And we were just going about our days, and then come the end of the day, there was a sports practice, and then after that, a friend and I, uh, we decided to jump in the car and go get food. And we came back and we just parked on campus, and we sat in my car in, like, the pouring rain for four hours, and we just talked about our lives, and we really, like, we really got to know each other. And he, we, I, i- uh, just, like, in that moment, I was like, "Oh my God, like, this..." [laughs] I remember looking around, listening to the rain, just being like, "This is amazing. Like, th- I'm so... I'm, like, happy. Like, I'm so happy." [laughs] And it was just, like, every... 'Cause for, for, for the first 18 months of, of college, all I wanted was, like, a super close guy friend that I just could talk about anything with and, like, have these, like, super cool moments with, and, like, that was it. And I had that where I was just like, "Oh my God, like, this, I, I did it. Like, I, I got this. Like, this is incredible." And then from that point on, like, every day was just like, "Ah, like, this is, this is great." [laughs] Like, I have these people and, like, I, I have all these friends and, like, this, I feel valued, and it's just, ah, like, this is incredible. So.

   3. MRMel Robbins57:39

      It does take time.

   4. OROakley Robbins57:40

      It takes time.

   5. MRMel Robbins57:41

      And that's why I think if you lower expectations and you stop comparing and you expand your energy and you say yes and you close the exits and you really just be where your feet are in this chapter, you'll be shocked by what can happen in a year.

   6. OROakley Robbins57:58

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins57:58

      That some of the most favorite people that you have ever met in your life you can meet in a town where there are more cows than people.

   8. OROakley Robbins58:05

      [laughs]

   9. MRMel Robbins58:07

      And you can surprise yourself by how you can be content and happy in the chapter that you're in, even if it's not the same as some of the chapters in your past where you were wildly happy. And I think that's a beautiful thing, to know that any time in life where you're questioning, "Is it me or is it the situation?" What I know for sure is that if you change nothing, nothing changes.

   10. OROakley Robbins58:40

       Yeah.

   11. MRMel Robbins58:40

       And if you change the one thing that you can, which is you, your attitude, your energy, your actions, your mindset, everything changes. And I also love this list because if you're really questioning whether or not you are at the wrong job or this relationship has run its course or it is time for a change and you are questioning, "Should I move? Should I not move? Should I change where..." You can go through this list, and if you go, "Check, nope, I'm not comparing. Check, uh, yes, I'm bringing energy. Check, yes, I'm putting in 100%. Check, yes, I've changed to try to change how this feels, and nothing's changed," I want you to know it is time to make the decision and change.

   12. OROakley Robbins59:28

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins59:29

       And you should feel good about it because you did everything you could to make it work, and now it's time for something different. You know, C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

   14. OROakley Robbins59:43

       Mm.

   15. MRMel Robbins59:44

       It's true, especially when you realize you have the power to make the things ahead far, far better than any that you're leaving behind. So go show up to your life and to this chapter. Use this checklist, and I promise you, things will change. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And you know what, Oak? I love you, too.

   16. OROakley Robbins1:00:17

       I love you, Mom.

   17. MRMel Robbins1:00:18

       And I believe in your ability to create a better life, no matter what chapter it is that you are in.

   18. OROakley Robbins1:00:26

       Thank you.

   19. MRMel Robbins1:00:27

       Thank you, and thank you. I hope you use this checklist to make decisions. I hope you use this checklist to lean into the chapter that you're in, and I am certain that if you do, your life will get better. All righty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. All righty. Thank you for watching all the way to the end on YouTube. And by the way, if you're wondering, "Mel, what should I watch next?" You will love this episode. Check it out. [outro music]

Episode duration: 1:01:00