Do This To Become More Confident: 5 Truths You Need To Hear with Jamie Kern Lima

Jamie Kern Lima 0:00 We all get nos all the time.

Mel Robbins 0:02 Is it a no like, "Hell no," or is it a knowing to keep going?

Jamie Kern Lima 0:07 If we listen to our soul, right, we get a knowing, an intuition, a still small voice, a gut feeling.

Mel Robbins 0:13 And it blows up in your face.

Jamie Kern Lima 0:15 Yes. I don't believe your gut is ever wrong. I believe that it either leads you to the next right step or the next right lesson.

Mel Robbins 0:22 Wow.

Jamie Kern Lima 0:23 A lot of people don't know 'cause they just see the- the headline fairytale. "Oh, Denny's waitress builds billion-dollar company." It was hundreds and hundreds of nos. The moment I decided to trust myself and listen to that knowing over the nos, you feel that expansion, that- that freedom.

Mel Robbins 0:39 (clock ticking) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and I am so glad that you're here. It is an absolute honor to be able to spend some time with you today, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Thank you for making this podcast one of the most popular podcasts in the entire world, and I also wanna take a moment and just acknowledge you for something. You chose to listen to this, and I know why you did, because you are committed to making your life better. And I just wanna say, that is so cool, and I'm really proud of you. And today, I am so thrilled, like chills thrilled, to welcome back one of our most popular experts that has ever appeared on the Mel Robbins Podcast, and she also happens to be a very dear friend of mine. I am talking about Jamie Kern Lima.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:26 Woo.

Mel Robbins 1:26 Uh, I call her the Professor of Purpose because the last time she was here, she taught you how to discover your purpose. But today, Jamie is back, and she's here to reveal five lies that she had to confront in order to become who she was meant to be. And I know Jamie is gonna tell you something, that these are the same five lies you're probably telling yourself right now. So let's tee up these five lies, and one by one, knock them down and reveal the truth. You are capable of more than you could ever even imagine. So let me tell you a little bit about my dear friend Jamie, and I'm so excited that she's back because, selfishly, she's such a close friend and she lives on the West Coast, which kinda makes me mad 'cause I don't see her as much as I would like to. But the other reason why I'm really excited is because every time I sit down with Jamie, the conversation goes so deep, so fast, and I always walk away feeling like I personally have tapped into a deeper sense of purpose, a greater level of clarity, and I know you will too. Now, Jamie started her career as a waitress at Denny's and went on to build, launch, and sell a cosmetics company that she started in her living room, and then sold it for $1.2 billion. Now, you've probably heard of the company that she founded, IT Cosmetics. After selling it, she then became the first female CEO inside of L'Oreal in their 100-year history. She's one of the world's most successful entrepreneurs, a New York Times best-selling author. She's been named to the Forbes Richest Self-Made Women's List. Her brand new book, Worthy, is here, and what I'm really excited about is when she was here last time, and we will link to that episode so you can hear it, she took us on this wild, unbelievable ride behind the scenes of the story of IT Cosmetics. But today, Jamie is back, and she's here to reveal five lies, lies that keep you from believing in yourself, lies that destroy your confidence, lies that rob you of the life that you are meant to lead. And even though we are really good friends, I pored through her book and just had epiphany after epiphany, and I didn't realize these were the things that she was struggling with. But she's here to get real with you and me. Please help me welcome Jamie Kern Lima.

Jamie Kern Lima 3:59 Mel, thank you so much for having me. I am so excited. This is gonna be a powerful episode for everybody listening 'cause these are lies that, like, lead to self-doubt, and we're here to wake up some truths.

Mel Robbins 4:12 Well, and what I love, Jamie, is that, you know, when somebody meets you, and-

Jamie Kern Lima 4:16 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:16 ... they hear your resume, and they see what you have built in your life, there is this moment where you go, "Is she really telling herself these lies, like, for real? Come on."

Jamie Kern Lima 4:25 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:26 But I know that you dug deep-

Jamie Kern Lima 4:29 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:30 ... to go behind the story that was in the headlines-

Jamie Kern Lima 4:34 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 4:34 ... the story that everybody tells about IT Cosmetics and you doing the impossible, and you took a look at what, "What did I actually have to dig through-

Jamie Kern Lima 4:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 4:44 ... in order to keep going?" And so before we get into the five lies and some of the amazing resources in your new best-selling book, Worthy, I would just love for the

Mel Robbins 4:57 new listeners that are here with us that did not hear the story-

Jamie Kern Lima 5:01 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 5:01 ... could you just give us the thumbnail version-

Jamie Kern Lima 5:04 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 5:05 ... of how IT Cosmetics started and some of the highs and lows?

Jamie Kern Lima 5:08 It all started with this season of setback in my life and major self-doubt, and, uh, what I know now, Mel,

Jamie Kern Lima 5:17 is for so many of us, our setbacks are actually setups for what we're supposed to do to live our best life, we just don't know it at the time. But I was working in what I thought was my dream job. I had done so many jobs, you know, from waitressing at Denny's, to bagging groceries in the grocery store, to- to- to get my way into journalism, and eventually, I was anchoring the news. And, uh, I was live on the air one day, and I hear in my earpiece from the producer, "There's something on your face. There's something..." And I'm talking to millions of viewers live. He's like, "There's something on your face. There's something on your face. You need to wipe it off. You need to wipe it off." And in the commercial break, I glance down, and I see this bright red rosacea kinda coming, cracking through my makeup. If you imagine, like, desert clay cracking, my makeup was cracking-

Mel Robbins 6:01 Oh.

Jamie Kern Lima 6:01 ... under the HD lights, and the red was coming through. And I have hereditary rosacea, uh, which for me gets really bumpy, really bright red, and so I'm trying to cover it during the commercial break, and it won't work. And that set off a moment where I spent all my paycheck trying to find makeup that would work and nothing would work, and every time I'd go back and I'd be live on the air, you know, I'd hear in my earpiece, "It's still there. It's still there. It's still there." And-

Mel Robbins 6:27 Oh, God.

Jamie Kern Lima 6:27 ... I went through this season of self-doubt where I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm in my dream job, but am I gonna get fired?" Like, I'd be talking live on the air, and instead of engaging in the story, I'd be thinking, "Are viewers changing the channel? Am I costing the company ratings?" And I started this big season of self-doubt, um-

Mel Robbins 6:45 How old were you?

Jamie Kern Lima 6:46 Oh, gosh, 31.

Mel Robbins 6:47 Okay, so you're 31 years old.

Jamie Kern Lima 6:49 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 6:49 And just to kind of bring you listening in as Jamie's telling this story, I think we've all had a moment like that where maybe you're sitting in a meeting at work and you feel your face flush-

Jamie Kern Lima 7:04 Mm.

Mel Robbins 7:04 ... or you are giving a presentation and you start to stutter, or you are sitting in a meeting at school and you are there to advocate for your kid and you just can't find the words-

Jamie Kern Lima 7:18 Mm.

Mel Robbins 7:19 ... or you're even in a relationship and every day you wake up and you're like, "Okay, today's the day I'm gonna say this is not working-

Jamie Kern Lima 7:28 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 7:28 "... and I need you to change," and you just start to doubt yourself.

Jamie Kern Lima 7:33 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 7:34 And so this is a universal experience.

Jamie Kern Lima 7:37 Yes.

Mel Robbins 7:37 But you amplify this because you're on television in your dream job

Mel Robbins 7:43 and your rosacea is basically melting your makeup and now making its own appearance-

Jamie Kern Lima 7:49 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 7:49 ... on the television with you.

Jamie Kern Lima 7:50 Yes.

Mel Robbins 7:51 So what the hell do you do?

Jamie Kern Lima 7:53 Well, I remember this moment, and I love the examples you just shared 'cause everyone has these moments where you get this gut feeling or this knowing. I remember thinking, you know, uh, uh, "This makes no sense. I cannot... There's thousands of makeup companies out there. Why does nothing work for me?" And I got this moment, this knowing that said, "Well if you can't find anything that works for you, there's probably a whole lot of other people out there that can't find anything. What if you create something that works for you? It'll probably help a whole lot of people." And then I got this moment where I'm like, "Okay, my entire life," like, 'cause it was like, "This makes no sense that nothing works for me." Then I realized-

Mel Robbins 8:30 Right.

Jamie Kern Lima 8:30 ... I've never seen, you know, a woman with bright red rosacea saying, you know, p- you know, as a model for, for products and-

Mel Robbins 8:38 Oh, that's true. I just wanna make sure that, as you're listening, you understand something. So this was a time where you didn't see normal people in ads the way that you do now.

Jamie Kern Lima 8:52 Right.

Mel Robbins 8:52 This was a time where there would never be anybody on social media or in an advertisement or in a makeup advertisement that had no makeup on.

Jamie Kern Lima 9:03 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 9:03 Like, we take it for granted because we see before and after and we see people wearing a more natural look, but that was not the case-

Jamie Kern Lima 9:11 Not the case.

Mel Robbins 9:11 ... over a decade ago.

Jamie Kern Lima 9:13 Yeah. And I realized, Mel, I'm like, "Okay, I've always loved beauty ads and commercials and magazines my whole life, but deep down inside, they always made me feel like I wasn't enough," and this moment happened, right? And you mentioned someone saying, "I'm about to end a relationship," or, you know, whatever situation we're in. I had this, this moment, this gut feeling where I was like, "Wait a minute, what if I could figure out how to make a product and not just make a product, but put real women as models every age and shape and size and skin tone and skin challenge and try to shift that definition of beauty in the whole beauty industry for every little girl out there about to start doubting herself and every grown person who does?" So I had this, this, this feeling like, "What if," right? "What if I could do it?" And

Jamie Kern Lima 9:57 that was in my gut, in my knowing, but really fast, my head talked me out of it. My self-doubt was like, "Oh, but you got no money. You don't know what you're doing. You're unqualified. You have no connections in the beauty industry." And I sat in that place, and maybe a lot of viewers can connect with this, where you're, you have this gut feeling or this, this, th- that you're supposed to do something or go for it or tell the person you wanna be more than just friends or put your idea out there, um, but then your head is talking yourself out of it, and you're about to doubt yourself out of your own destiny. And I sat in that place for a minute, and I made the decision, "Okay, I am gonna trust my knowing. I'm gonna take a risk." Even though I was in what I thought was my dream job, even though I didn't know what the heck I was doing, I tapped, I tried to almost, like, turn down the volume on my, my, my, my self-doubt, my thoughts and my mind saying, "You are not enough." Turn up the volume on that gut feeling, and these are the moments that change our entire lives, right? When we make the decision to trust that gut feeling, and now here's the thing. I launched the business.

Mel Robbins 11:01 Okay, now I just have to ask you a question.

Jamie Kern Lima 11:03 Yes. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 11:04 Um, you'd never made makeup before.

Jamie Kern Lima 11:07 No. No.

Mel Robbins 11:09 So not knowing how isn't an excuse to not figure out how to do it.

Jamie Kern Lima 11:15 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 11:16 Put us at the moment of that no versus the knowing-

Jamie Kern Lima 11:21 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 11:22 ... and how the heck in a moment when the but, but, but, but, but, how do you discern whether that is legit fear or it is just the self-doubt and a sense of unworthiness coming up?

Jamie Kern Lima 11:44 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 11:44 And you have something deeper call to knowing.

Jamie Kern Lima 11:48 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 11:49 Professor Purpose in the house, people. Let's go.

Jamie Kern Lima 11:51 Every single person listening right now, every day, we get nos, right? We get nos in all different forms. We're not invited to the party. Someone doesn't include us. We don't know why we're not in the circle of moms standing around and we f- are feeling on the outside, but most of our most painful nos are the ones we're telling ourselves, right? The ones we're telling ourselves in the form of negative self-talk all day long, right? We all get nos all the time and we tell ourselves nos, but inside, in our gut, if we get still, if we listen to

Jamie Kern Lima 12:23 our soul, right, we get a knowing, an intuition, a still, small voice, a gut feeling. Every single moment in your life, in your friendships, in your joy, in your, you know, goals and dreams and ambitions, I believe, Mel, they come down to which one you listen to. Do you listen to the nos or do you listen to your knowing? And...This is the most important thing, because our self-doubt will lie to us all day long. It will lie to us all day long, and when we get still and ask ourself, "Is that the truth?" Right? And you tr- and you tune into your gut, your, your gut will tell you the right answer. I don't believe your gut is ever wrong. I believe that it either leads you to the next right step or the next right lesson.

Mel Robbins 13:08 Oh.

Jamie Kern Lima 13:08 Right?

Mel Robbins 13:09 So even if you, quote, "trust your gut" and it blows up in your face-

Jamie Kern Lima 13:14 Yes.

Mel Robbins 13:15 ... it was leading you to a lesson-

Jamie Kern Lima 13:17 Yes.

Mel Robbins 13:17 ... that you absolutely needed?

Jamie Kern Lima 13:19 Exactly, I beli-

Mel Robbins 13:21 Oh.

Jamie Kern Lima 13:21 Yep, yep, and I believe our steps are ordered that way. And when we talk about the nos, the moment I decided to trust myself, right, and listen to that knowing over the nos in my own head, et cetera, and launch this business, what a lot of people don't know 'cause they just see the, the headline fairytale, "Oh, Denny's waitress builds billion-dollar company," it was three years, hundreds and hundreds of nos, no after no after no after no. I would pray or meditate and be like,

Jamie Kern Lima 13:48 "Why is this not working? Why is no one telling me that they believe in my dream?" All these retail stores saying no, right? I had this vision for inclusivity in the beauty industry, I was saying, "Let's have models every age and shape and size," and, you know, I had this vision, I'm like, "Let me show my bare-face rosacea and prove the product works." And, and these retail stores were mortified. They were mortified. There was thousands of makeup brands, but I entered that space fully authentically to who I was. No matter what your dream or your idea or the, or your art you wanna put out in the world, or your podcast you wanna launch, if you are one of the brave ones willing to do it authentically to you, by definition it has never been done before. It has never been done before. So-

Mel Robbins 14:32 Because?

Jamie Kern Lima 14:33 Because there is not another you in existence and there never will be, and nobody can compete with that. And I know one of our lies we're gonna talk about is, "You're not crazy, you're just first," but I am gonna go off on this for any-

Mel Robbins 14:45 Go right there. That's the first lie, "You're not crazy, you're just first." Let's unpack that.

Jamie Kern Lima 14:49 You want me to unpack that? Okay.

Mel Robbins 14:50 Oh, go, go.

Jamie Kern Lima 14:51 Okay.

Mel Robbins 14:51 She's on a roll.

Jamie Kern Lima 14:52 I'm fired up.

Mel Robbins 14:52 Let's keep going.

Jamie Kern Lima 14:53 This one lie,

Jamie Kern Lima 14:55 oh, my gosh, Mel, it is life-changing, and this lie is called, "You're not crazy, you're just first." So many of us think and believe the things that are different or odd or strange or quirky or wrong with us, and we should, you know, uh, dim our own light, hide them from others, because we fear if, if we show up as who we truly are, oh, then we'll be found out. People might not like us anymore. We, we might not be loved.

Mel Robbins 15:21 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 15:22 And so we end up, so many of us, showing up as who we think other people want us to be. We end up showing up as our representative, right? Every day a lot of people wake up in the morning and put on their, you know, their who they think they need to be uniform with their name on the front-

Mel Robbins 15:38 Like a Denny's waitress co- you know, like uniform.

Jamie Kern Lima 15:40 Yes.

Mel Robbins 15:40 "Here I am in my role."

Jamie Kern Lima 15:41 Yes, "In my role."

Mel Robbins 15:42 "Good daughter-"

Jamie Kern Lima 15:43 Yes.

Mel Robbins 15:43 "... good partner-"

Jamie Kern Lima 15:44 Yes.

Mel Robbins 15:44 "... good employee. I'm just gonna keep showing up."

Jamie Kern Lima 15:47 The friend that gets invited-

Mel Robbins 15:49 Yep.

Jamie Kern Lima 15:49 ... the f- the, the mom that has it all together, whatever that role is, exactly. So first of all, it is impossible to have a true connection with another human being if you are showing up as anything other than who you authentically are, whether it's with a friend or a partner or customers. For everyone listening who thinks, like, "Oh, if I'm me, I won't be loved," or, or, "If I'm really me, then, then m- I won't do well on social media or I won't get the promotion or I won't get the job," or whatever it might be, who you are deep down inside and your authenticity is your superpower. And for anybody listening who has ever felt like, um, that they're different or that they don't belong, growing up, okay, growing up as a little girl, I was adopted. I have five families (laughs) who raised me.

Mel Robbins 16:39 Five families? Wh- wh- how-

Jamie Kern Lima 16:41 Five families.

Mel Robbins 16:41 Can you explain that?

Jamie Kern Lima 16:42 Through divorces and then birth family I met later and-

Mel Robbins 16:45 Oh, gotcha, okay.

Jamie Kern Lima 16:46 Yeah, five families.

Mel Robbins 16:47 Marriage.

Jamie Kern Lima 16:48 So blessed, I would not change a thing. Uh, and also, growing up, I always felt like I didn't belong. I always... Like, I would have these big ideas, like, "What if we could solve world hunger?" And, you know, I was raised in an environment where no one had ever gone to college, and I would hear things like, you know, "Things like that don't happen to people like us," or, "You're crazy." They would always call me crazy as a term of endearment. "You're crazy, uh, for having these different ideas." Fast forward, I am in my late 20s and I went to therapy, first person in any of my families that I'm aware of to go to therapy, and I literally asked my therapist, I said, "Am I crazy?" 'Cause I go, I- I've been called this as a term of endearment my whole life. And she said-

Mel Robbins 17:29 H- hold on. As a term of endearment?

Jamie Kern Lima 17:32 Yeah. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 17:33 Talk about gaslighting yourself.

Jamie Kern Lima 17:35 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 17:37 Right?

Jamie Kern Lima 17:38 And my therapist said to me, uh, "You're not crazy, but I'm really glad you're here," and she explained that when you are first in your family to maybe break a generational cycle or to actually show up as who you authentically are, um, to really share how you feel, to share your ideas-

Mel Robbins 17:55 Mm.

Jamie Kern Lima 17:55 ... to not dim your light to fit in, uh, that it often is met with confusion, resistance, with a feeling like you need to dim your light to belong. And this moment, Mel, hit me so bright like a light bulb that burst. I realized in that moment, I'm not crazy, I'm just first. I'm just first. You are the first ever you that has ever been in existence. And so when you show up as

Jamie Kern Lima 18:22 who you are, do not be surprised if not everyone gets it. There's never been a you before. And it's not just that every one of us has unique fingerprints and irises of our eyes and tongue prints that are unique and heartbeats that are unique. You're the only one in existence who's had the experiences you've had in life and feels emotions the way you feel and sees art and beauty the way that you do, and when you are brave enough to be who you truly are, it's scary at first, but when you step into it and one step at a time you start saying what you really mean, being who you truly are, it's how you start to live in alignment with your assignment in life. And so-I go deep in this lie in Worthy about how to unlearn the lie that the things are, that are wrong with you, or odd, or strange, or different are the things you should hide, when in fact they're the things most right with you. There are so many moments in my life when I was going through rejection after rejection, or, you know, not being invited to the party, or retailers weren't believing in my brand and I was tempted to quit, and I would remind myself, "Okay, I'm doing this authentic to me. I'm not crazy, I'm just first. I'm just first." In any moment where you're tempted to feel like your idea isn't good enough, or you shouldn't raise your hand and share how you really feel, right? So many of us can remember a moment in our childhood, in class perhaps, when we knew the answer, but for the first time ever didn't raise our hand, because we started to doubt, "Am I right? Am I gonna get made fun of? Am I gonna fit in?" And self-doubt starts to kick in, and before you know it, you know, we're 55 and deciding, "I think I'm not gonna raise my hand on that Zoom call tomorrow," or, "I'm not gonna go after that wild, bold idea, because, uh, it might, it might not work." And we start to live our lives hiding in plain sight, and we can be crushing things all around us, uh, uh, that look good to everyone else, but we know we're not living the truest, highest, fullest expression of ourselves. And so for anyone who's ever felt like who they are isn't enough, it is a lie. You are not crazy, you're just first. I wrote a poem. "You're not crazy, you're just first."

Mel Robbins 20:36 One thing about this, especially in the context of a family system structure, when you feel like there's something wrong with you, or when you get pushback from your family, the reframe from the lie, which is everybody tell, "You're crazy. You can't do that." People judging you, you even judging yourself.

Jamie Kern Lima 20:57 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 20:58 That reframe is so powerful, because I've been really surprised by how difficult it is in my own life, but I know in your life as you're listening, to break free of that fear of disappointing

Mel Robbins 21:16 people in your family, or what their expectations were for you. And so to think, "Oh, I'm just the first one to go to college. I'm just the first one to not be an accountant. I'm just the first one to really prioritize healing. Well, I'm just the first one that's gonna live my life differently..."

Jamie Kern Lima 21:32 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:32 "... than everybody in my family has done forever."

Jamie Kern Lima 21:36 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:36 And in so doing, I am setting up this lie, "You're crazy."

Jamie Kern Lima 21:41 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:42 And calling it out for what it is, and living in the truth.

Jamie Kern Lima 21:45 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 21:46 Which is, "No, I'm just first."

Jamie Kern Lima 21:49 First. (audio whooshes)

Mel Robbins 21:50 And as much as I don't want to take a break, I wanna hit pause. Let's hear a quick word from our sponsors. They allow us to bring this magic to you listening for free, so give them a little bit of love, but don't you dare go anywhere. I'm telling you right now, don't go anywhere, 'cause Jamie and I are gonna be waiting for you after a short break. And when we return, there's so much to dig into. There are four more lies, there are so many more stories that you're gonna hear, and one of my favorite stories is the first time she ever appeared on QVC. I cannot wait for you to experience this. We'll see you in a few minutes. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel, and I am here today with one of my all-time favorite people, Jamie Kern Lima. Her resume is so long. She's the founder of IT Cosmetics, she's a New York Times bestselling author. Her brand new book is Worthy, and we are digging into the five lies that you're telling yourself that are holding you back from reaching your potential, and we are in the middle of covering the first line, which is, "You're not crazy." Like, all those people that told you that you're crazy, it's a lie. It's a lie, and Jamie's beautiful, empowering rockstar reframe, "You're just first." You're just the first one in your family to do this. You're just the first one to go to school. You're just the first one to have this idea. (audio whooshes) So Jamie, I wanna add to this conversation and go a little bit deeper, because I have a question from a listener named Lisa. Lisa, "I have this belief that good things happen to others..."

Jamie Kern Lima 23:22 Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:23 "... but not me."

Jamie Kern Lima 23:25 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 23:26 "How do I start believing in myself?"

Jamie Kern Lima 23:30 Yes. So, that is such a common lie that we tell ourselves, that good things happen to other people but not us, and I was raised around that lie, right? I was raised around that lie that, "Oh, things like that can't happen to people like us." So my whole family, a lot of my family believes that lie as well.

Mel Robbins 23:49 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 23:49 And I remember when I was waitressing at Denny's, I had this moment where I'm like, "I think I could run this restaurant." Right?

Mel Robbins 23:56 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 23:56 I had this moment, but guess what? Self-doubt kicked in really fast, and that lie, um, that she just shared, Lisa just shared, I remember thinking that, "Oh, but I can't, I, like, I'm not qualified to do that. Think, people like me don't run the restaurant." Right? And so, how do you overcome that? So let me just take a step back. Every single thing in life is the meaning we attach to it, right? And we have the power to unlearn that lie, because this is a lie. This is-

Mel Robbins 24:23 That's true.

Jamie Kern Lima 24:23 Right?

Mel Robbins 24:24 That's a story you're telling yourself...

Jamie Kern Lima 24:25 It's the story you're telling yourself.

Mel Robbins 24:26 ... that things like that don't happen to people like us. That's a lie.

Jamie Kern Lima 24:29 Exactly. It is a lie. And so maybe there's a lot of evidence in the past that makes you go, "Oh, but I have evidence to prove this." Okay, but do you, first, first question is, do you want to unbelieve that? Do you want to still continue believing that lie? 'Cause it is a lie, right? I remember hundreds of nos and rejections into IT Cosmetics. So easy for me to say, "Oh, I'm a person

Jamie Kern Lima 24:52 that not only gets rejected, uh, uh, but I'm a reject." Let it-

Mel Robbins 24:56 Hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 24:56 ... take root in my self-worth level, and then that's when it is a powerful lie that becomes hard to unlearn. "Things like that don't happen to people like me," right? Is a lie, and learning to reframe that. First step, identifying it, which she did so beautifully in that question. Now deciding, "Do I want to believe that?" Right? That's the next question, because let me just get really real here. Some of us use our lies as excuses.... on why something's not happening. So the next question is, do I wanna unlearn that lie, right? 'Cause those are just lies that lead to self-doubt, that keep us stuck, that keep us feeling like we're unworthy. Right now as we're talking, 80% of women do not believe they're enough, right? 91% of girls and women don't love their bodies. Uh, uh, 75% of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. 73% of men feel inadequate and like they're not enough, right? So, why I wrote Worthy is, like, the time to unlearn these lies has come. And so for Lisa, A, great job being aware of the lie. A lot of times we tell ourselves lies, we're not even aware of it. We just think they're truths, right? But guess what? You're the character of your main life. You cannot always, uh, uh, control all the supporting actors and actresses that come into your world, but you can control the main character and how you describe her and how you define her, and what you want her storyline to be going forward. And so the next question is, do you want to k- you know, keep that lie or do you wanna unlearn it? If you wanna unlearn it, you reframe it, and every time it comes into your mind, you intercept it. You intercept that lie that says, "Things like that don't happen to people like me." You decide, "Oh, no, no. My new meaning is, 'Things like that haven't happened yet, oh, but they're gonna happen.' Like, once I step into who I authentically am, I am the first ever only me, and I'm gonna live in alignment with my assignment." And I believe, you know, for me, when that lie comes into my head, I'm like, "Oh, I'm not crazy, I'm first," and I just reframe it and I decide the meaning I t- I attach to my story. I decide what I'm gonna believe is gonna happen, and I decide that will be my narrative. And, and the second we do that, right? Because what we focus

Jamie Kern Lima 27:05 on is what we magnify, and that becomes our whole life. And when you change your story, you change your entire life.

Mel Robbins 27:11 Was there a moment in the building of IT Cosmetics where that lie came up for you?

Jamie Kern Lima 27:18 Mm. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 27:18 You're getting told, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," and you start to look around and see there's all these other cosmetic brands. Clearly it's happening for other people and it's not happening for someone like me.

Jamie Kern Lima 27:31 Yeah. All the time. All the time. The biggest struggle for me was, and especially as we started getting success, right? Which was many years in, but we got a big shot on QVC. So after years of nos, I get a yes on QVC, which is a live television shopping channel, for anyone unfamiliar with it, and it's broadcast to 100 million homes, okay? At this moment, Mel, we were selling only two to three orders a day on our website. And I-

Mel Robbins 27:58 That's not enough to pay the bills, Jamie.

Jamie Kern Lima 28:00 No. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:00 I don't know if you know that, but that's not enough to pay the bills. (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 28:02 We were teetering on bankruptcy for years, and after hearing no after no after no after no, I, uh, even from QVC, I, I got a yes for one shot in this 10-minute window to, to launch the product. And either-

Mel Robbins 28:16 Put everybody at the scene, because-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:19 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:19 ... this sounds like something that would cause any human being the biggest case of stress diarrhea on live television.

Jamie Kern Lima 28:28 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 28:28 Because it is an unbelievable pressure cooker-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:33 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:33 ... what you have to do.

Jamie Kern Lima 28:34 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:34 So just-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:35 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:35 ... for the uninitiated-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:36 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:37 Wa- Put us on the set at QVC. You are teetering on bankruptcy.

Jamie Kern Lima 28:41 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:42 You are only selling two of your products every day.

Jamie Kern Lima 28:45 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:45 You've been at this for years and years and years, and no and no and no, and you're up-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:51 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:51 ... in your head like, "People like me. This doesn't happen to people like me. It happens to them." And-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:55 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:55 ... and-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:55 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:55 ... and the lies are coming up. So-

Jamie Kern Lima 28:57 Yes.

Mel Robbins 28:57 ... what do you do at QVC? Like, what do you have to do when somebody says, "Yes, you can sell your product"?

Jamie Kern Lima 29:02 Yeah. So, okay, I learned I had to sell over 6,000 units of this product to hit their sales goal in the 10-minute window.

Mel Robbins 29:09 In 10 minutes?

Jamie Kern Lima 29:10 In 10 minutes or not come back. And remember, we're only selling two, two or three orders a day, right? So I go to 20 banks trying to get a loan to fund the inventory to do this. 22 banks said no. The 23rd bank, California Bank and Trust, gave us a loan for just the amount to cover this purchase order and a little bit more to get my one

Jamie Kern Lima 29:31 shot on QVC. I learn it's a consignment offer, which means if I don't sell it, I don't get paid. I have to take it all back, right? And everything was on the line. And here's the story about the power of your authenticity, about knowing you're not crazy, you're just first. Uh, because in that moment, I had been told no so many times, right? And we start to doubt. "Oh," right? That lie. "Do things like this possibly happen for people like me?" So, we figure it all out. I get there. All of these third-party consultants are saying, "Okay, if you wanna do well, here's what you need to do. You need to book this type of model to demonstrate your product," which was all, like, people who look like they're 12 with flawless skin. I'm like, "That is not why I created this brand. That's not authentic to why I did this." And I, I would tell them, um, these third-party consultants, and they help a lot of people, and they, they really wanted me to win.

Mel Robbins 30:20 Right?

Jamie Kern Lima 30:21 Right? And I said, "Well, what if I put a model in her 80s, and then women in their 40s and 50s with hyperpigmentation, and someone who's dealing with acne? And what if I take my own makeup off on national TV and show my bright red rosacea?" And they were mortified.

Mel Robbins 30:35 They were like, "You're crazy."

Jamie Kern Lima 30:36 Yes. "You're crazy." They said, "Listen, like, you get one shot." They're like, "You understand you get one shot, right?" And I remember, Mel, I, I flew out to QVC in Pennsylvania f- and, uh, a week before, I sat in this rental car in the parking lot every single day, staring at the front door of the building, like, praying, crying in the car all alone because I felt like the pressure was so heavy. And in that moment, those lies come up, and I start to doubt myself. And I think, "Well, maybe I should be inauthentic, try it their way," right? "Uh, uh, uh, and maybe I'll, I'll do well finally, and then I'll make money, and then I could try it my way." I had all of these thoughts come up. And I remember this moment in that car where I, I, I, these words that while authenticity alone doesn't automatically guarantee success, inauthenticity guarantees failure.... every time, over time. You and I, everyone listening, you can see people popping up online everywhere, and maybe they do well for a minute, but this, over time, it does not work. Why is Mel Robbins' podcast the number one (laughs) podcast?

Mel Robbins 31:40 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 31:40 Why? 'Cause look how you show up. Fully authentically. The same way on air as you are off air. I know this lesson, yet I'm sitting there in my car telling myself lies like some of our list- your listeners are writing in, right? Uh, "Oh, things like this don't happen to me. I- I'm- everyone's telling me I'm crazy." But I know, every single person listening, you are not crazy. You are just first, and when someone does not get you, that's okay. Right? You have to align with your authenticity because that's what is your superpower, and I knew that lesson, and I was scared out of my mind to trust that, but I did, and I walked into the building, and the moment I walked into the studio, there's these giant clocks on the floor that said 10 minutes.

Mel Robbins 32:24 Yep.

Jamie Kern Lima 32:24 I got 10 minutes to- to hit those sales goals or not come back, and then, Mel, I learned, right before I went on air, that you're not guaranteed your 10 minutes. If you're a minute or two into your presentation, they know by the second if you're hitting sales numbers. If you're a minute or two in, and you're not hitting sales numbers, your clock, you think you have eight minutes left, it jumps to one minute. You're done. So, I learned that, and I go on air, and you talk about s- uh, you were mentioning, uh, Imagine stress diarrhea. I go on air. I'm drenched in sweat. I have on two pairs of Spanx under my dress, not 'cause I care what I look like. I was trying to absorb all the sweat so that I didn't sweat through my dress on national TV, and the- I remember the lights go on, and I was trying to do a demonstration to show how my- my product doesn't crease and crack on my wrists, and my hand was shaking so much that the host grabbed my hand, put it under the podium. She's like, "Thank you, sugar." And she took over, and I remember the moment on national television, my bright red rosacea comes up, my bare face, and I remember walking over to models, every age and shape and size and skin tone and skin challenge, and calling them beautiful and meaning it. And I didn't know how we were doing a few minutes in, but I knew I wasn't cut yet.

Mel Robbins 33:37 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 33:37 And then, we got down to the one-minute mark left, and I hear the host say, "The deep shades almost gone. The tan shades, almost sold out." I was like, "Oh, oh," and then literally the moment the 10-minute mark, uh, hit, this giant sold out sign comes up across the screen. I start crying on national television. They cut from me and go for- to, like, Dyson vacuum or something.

Mel Robbins 34:00 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 34:00 And my- (laughs) my husband, I remember this, my husband comes rushing through the double doors of the studio. I'm sobbing, like sobbing. Our very first employee, one of my best friends of 20 years, she was the only person on payroll at the time 'cause we couldn't even afford to pay ourselves, she starts sobbing. I- my husband comes running over to me, and I thought he was gonna hug me, and he just looks at me, and he puts his arms in the air and his fists, and he's like, "We're not going bankrupt!" And I'm like, " (gasps) Real women have spoken!" And just, like, sobbing.

Mel Robbins 34:31 (gasps)

Jamie Kern Lima 34:31 And I remember in that moment, right, all the things people told me about me would not work, the years and years of rejection, the retailers that didn't believe in me, making that decision to remind myself and every person listening right now, I don't know what room you're walking into today, what phone call you're walking into, what Zoom you're walking into, what idea you're about to share but you're doubting it, you are not crazy. You are just first. Right? You are just first. It's why I wrote this poem that just poured out.

Mel Robbins 35:02 Would you read us the poem you wrote?

Jamie Kern Lima 35:04 I will. Um, yes, and what I'll do is, you know, I... Well, let me read an excerpt of it. It's the only poem in the book. It's called You're Not Crazy, You're Just First.

Jamie Kern Lima 35:16 "'Who do you think you are?' they say. 'Things like that aren't for people like us. Why are you going around changing? Planning to leave us in the dust? Are you forgetting where you come from? Are we not good enough anymore?' And just like that, the temptation to play life small feels more comfortable than before. If you're doubting you're enough, your thoughts, their words have got you down, it's time for your soul to tell your mind there's a new boss in town. See, there's no one else quite like you in the entire universe, and what your soul knows is you're not crazy, you're just first. The first to have your hopes and dreams, the first you there's ever been. So, don't be surprised if they don't get you or try to shame you to fit in. They call you odd, strange, different for having dreams bigger than they can see because those dreams weren't given to them. They see them through fear and anxiety. And even the well-intentioned people who love you to the bone can see you pursuing your dreams as a reminder of them not fulfilling their own. If people like people who are like them, hiding your true self's a comfort zone. But a calling unexpressed inside you leaves you feeling anguished and alone, even inside of your own home. They call you words like crazy and say, 'We stick together for better or for worse.' But what your knowing knows is you're not crazy, you're just first. The first to launch the business, to dust your dreams off of the shelf. The first to believe you're worthy of betting on yourself. The first to beat addiction, to live life sober and awake. The first to end the generational cycle that you know you're born to break. The first to start healing. The first to forgive so you'll be free. The first to love others for who they are, not for who you wish they'd be. And when doubt tempts you to dim your light..."Always remember this verse. Your soul knows you're made for more, with so much purpose it could burst. You're born with greatness inside you, and whether it's a blessing or a curse, the world won't be better until your greatness is dispersed. See, there's only one of you in the entire universe, and your knowing knows deep down, you're not crazy, you're just first."

Mel Robbins 38:00 (laughs) Oh, wow.

Jamie Kern Lima 38:04 Are you crying, Mel Robbins? (laughs)

Mel Robbins 38:05 Well, I'm just sitting here, I'm very proud of you.

Jamie Kern Lima 38:07 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 38:08 Um, what does that mean to you?

Jamie Kern Lima 38:10 Hmm, it means freedom. When you unlearn those lies that lead to self-doubt, oh my gosh, and you start to ignite those truths that wake up worthiness, like, that is what, that feels like joy and tastes like freedom. Like, that is when we start to feel alive, right? That is when the, the weight of other people's expectations, or even the ones we put on ourselves starts to lift. Like, we don't soar to the level of our goals and dreams. We stay stuck at the level of our self-worth, right? We don't rise to what we believe is possible. We will always fall to what we believe we're worthy of. You will never feel joy and, and fulfillment in life until you learn to embrace who you truly are and learn to believe you are enough as who you are, and that is the truth. Every person listening, I do not care how many past mistakes and failures and regrets, and none of that is relevant when it comes to your worth, and when we learn that, it is the most powerful, powerful thing we can do, so.

Mel Robbins 39:09 Woo! I need a tall glass of water in order to just digest what you just poured into us, Jamie. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And we're gonna take a quick break right now and hear a word from our sponsors, and when we return, don't go anywhere. We have four more lies to cover, and this next one, I know that you're going to get a ton out of because it's about your past and about the mistakes that you've made, and Jamie is going to teach you today how to dismantle that lie and how to discover your worth and to keep on going. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. I am here with the remarkable Jamie Kern Lima, New York Times bestselling author. She's here with her new book, Worthy. You know her as the founder of IT Cosmetics, which she sold to L'Oreal for $1.2 billion, and she is here today in her Boston studios to teach you the five lies that you're telling yourself that are holding you back from all of your power and all of your purpose and unlocking all the joy in your life. And so, Jamie, let's go to lie number two. "My past mistakes and failures determine my future success." And the way that I wanna dig into this one is with a question from a listener named Jessie, who writes, "Jamie, I keep failing over and over and over again. How do I know when it is time to quit?" And this gets us back to-

Jamie Kern Lima 40:33 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 40:33 ... is it a no, like, "Hell no, we're not doing this anymore"?

Jamie Kern Lima 40:37 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 40:38 Or is it a knowing to keep going? What is the specific thing that you could tell her or anybody to do-

Jamie Kern Lima 40:45 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:45 ... to really tease out a string of rejections-

Jamie Kern Lima 40:50 Yes.

Mel Robbins 40:50 ... and whether

Mel Robbins 40:51 it's, like, this is quitting time-

Jamie Kern Lima 40:53 Right.

Mel Robbins 40:53 ... or it's keep going time?

Jamie Kern Lima 40:54 Or it's keep going time. Jessie, I love that you asked this question because here's the thing, you go online, all you see is what looks like everyone's successes, and when we're getting rejected, when we're failing, we think something's wrong with us. We think we're alone, right? We think like, "Oh, maybe my gut is wrong." Uh, I am living proof-

Mel Robbins 41:14 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 41:15 ... that rejections, failures, setbacks, no one else believing in you, things not getting traction, things not going your way for a long period of time are not an indication of the potential of your success. They are not, and the people who succeed the most, and you can Google anyone in history, you can read all about my story, Mel Robbins' story, right, that, that, a-a-anybody who has moved humanity forward, who has launched a, a, an incredible business, an incredible podcast, written a, a great book, it... Read about all of them. The people who succeed the most are the same people who fail the most because they're the ones who try the most, right? So, anybody listening today who's been hiding their failures and their past mistakes and thinking it's just me, first of all, it is not. You are not alone. You are one of the brave ones willing to actually go for it. So, you're one of the ones now in the rare group who is highly likely to succeed 'cause you're one of the ones going for it. So, that is one of the most important things, and how do you know when it's time? Because I do believe that sometimes knowing when to let go of a dream-

Mel Robbins 42:30 Yes.

Jamie Kern Lima 42:30 ... matters as much-

Mel Robbins 42:32 Okay, so you're-

Jamie Kern Lima 42:32 ... as knowing when to go after one.

Mel Robbins 42:33 So were you... So how do you do that?

Jamie Kern Lima 42:35 So, I approach that the same way I approach, is it time for this relationship to end, or-

Mel Robbins 42:40 Hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 42:41 ... me to leave this job or me to leave this friendship, or, you know, all of those things? I get still, and for some people, this might look like praying, it might look like meditation. I get still, I will pray. I don't talk out loud when I pray. Some people do. There is no wrong way to pray. There is no wrong way to meditate, right? And so this is a universal tool, whether someone has a faith that they practice or does not, and I literally will ask for the answer. I will ask for the answer, and I will wait until I hear it. And one thing that's important to do is not project the answer you want (laughs) and think you hear that, right? 'Cause you can block your intuition when you're just focused on what you're hoping for, but to really get still, get quiet, um, and, and ask the question. I will wait until I feel an intuition or something as close to a feeling or a knowing as I can, and I will take a step in that direction.

Mel Robbins 43:38 Okay, so I wanna really break this down.

Jamie Kern Lima 43:40 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 43:42 'Cause we're all hanging on your words because that...... difference between a no is the truth-

Jamie Kern Lima 43:49 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 43:50 ... versus a no is just fear-

Jamie Kern Lima 43:53 Right.

Mel Robbins 43:53 ... and self-doubt. And knowing, being deeper.

Jamie Kern Lima 43:59 Mm-hmm. A lot of people, they go, "Well, I don't hear my intuition."

Mel Robbins 44:02 Yes. Yes.

Jamie Kern Lima 44:02 "What do I do if I don't hear it?" This is a skill that you can build. It's like building a muscle. As women, especially, oh my gosh, really all generations of women, but when you think about women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s in particular-

Mel Robbins 44:17 Yup.

Jamie Kern Lima 44:17 ... a lot of us were raised to be quiet, to, (laughs) to, uh, not actually, like, say what we mean and to be people pleasers. Or we learn that we're not enough on our own. Look at all the studies that show women will make decisions based on consensus, right? You look at the studies that show when they ask little girls and boys a question, the boys will give an answer right away, the girls will turn to each other and try to come up with a consensus answer. So we, especially as women, learn, like, to not hear our own intuition. And so as adults, the beautiful thing is we all have it, and you are never too young or too old to start learning how to hear it again. And so one of my favorite tools to build your intuition is just to take some time, get still, ask a question, see if anything comes up, and that's okay if it doesn't. But then also carve out some time to think back to moments in your life when you had a gut feeling about something and maybe, maybe you trusted it, and then what happened? And then similarly, think back to moments when you had a gut feeling, you didn't trust it, you let everyone else's opinion tell you what to do or whatever, you went against your feeling, and then what happened then? And as you focus on those moments in your life, you start to build that muscle-

Mel Robbins 45:36 Hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 45:36 ... of remembering what does that feel like when I have a feeling? And when I trusted it or didn't trust it, what happened? And you start building that muscle over time. And you've got to give yourself grace, right? Because you talk about neural pathways on your show all the time, but for a lot of us, we haven't learned how to hear ourself or trust ourself our entire life. What if we all take up this hobby of, "I'm gonna learn to trust my own intuition, and every day I'm gonna take one step forward of trusting it," right? Or just asking myself before I just give an answer to someone and say yes when I really mean no, like say, "Oh yeah, I'll do, I'll volunteer for that thing-"

Mel Robbins 46:14 Ugh.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:14 "... when you don't wanna do it," or whatever it is, right? Just pause and be like, "How am I really feeling?"

Mel Robbins 46:20 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:21 Right?

Mel Robbins 46:21 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:21 And that's your intuition telling you exactly what you need to know. And then just making that decision one step at a time to, to start trusting and to rebuild that muscle.

Mel Robbins 46:30 You know, if, if I can offer to you listening just a little, um, explanation for how I do this.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:40 Yes, I would... Yes.

Mel Robbins 46:41 So for me, absolutely gotta get still.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:45 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 46:45 Because I notice that the lies are more dominant-

Jamie Kern Lima 46:49 Yes.

Mel Robbins 46:49 ... and the self-doubt is more powerful

Mel Robbins 46:51 the busier I am.

Jamie Kern Lima 46:52 Mm.

Mel Robbins 46:53 And the more I'm just in the go, go, go, go, go, go, go, 'cause there's a lot of emotion and energy with go, go, go, go, go, right?

Jamie Kern Lima 47:01 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 47:01 And so when I get still and I really drop into what is true for me-

Jamie Kern Lima 47:10 Mm.

Mel Robbins 47:11 ... there is a very distinct feeling associated for me personally, and the feeling is this. If... Let's just say that I have to make, like, a phone call there. Every one of us has a phone call we're probably putting off or dreading, right? And if you drop into, "How do I really feel about this? Do I need to make this call? Should I not?" Or a conversation, there's a conversation that you need to have-

Jamie Kern Lima 47:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 47:36 ... and we avoid it and we avoid it and we avoid it, but your knowing is going, "You gotta have the conversation."

Jamie Kern Lima 47:42 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 47:42 But the no is like, "Not today, not today, not today."

Jamie Kern Lima 47:46 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 47:46 For me, I can drop into the knowing if I really try to feel the energy around doing it or not.

Jamie Kern Lima 47:57 Mm.

Mel Robbins 47:58 So when I'm putting something off, even though it feels a little bit like a relief-

Jamie Kern Lima 48:03 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 48:03 ... I feel a part of me shrinking.

Jamie Kern Lima 48:05 Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 48:06 There is something about the energy of that that is depleting and constricting and small.

Jamie Kern Lima 48:11 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 48:12 And if I access the knowing, what is always true for me, even if it scares the daylights out of me, is that there is something more expansive-

Jamie Kern Lima 48:26 Mm.

Mel Robbins 48:27 ... and there is something through that experience that I know is going to expand or grow-

Jamie Kern Lima 48:36 Mm.

Mel Robbins 48:37 ... or free me up. And that's how I distinguish, at a very deep level, "Okay, what is actually my knowing versus what is the no being driven by emotion or self-doubt or pattern or whatever?"

Jamie Kern Lima 48:51 Mm-hmm. Isn't that so true, right? When we live, like, in alignment with our truth, you feel that expansion, that, like, that freedom, that freedom. Even it's like the thing you're dreading, you don't wanna do it-

Mel Robbins 49:00 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 49:01 ... but then you do it and you just feel that freedom, whereas if you're letting your self-doubt take over, the thing telling you, "Don't do it," that doesn't feel that same way.

Mel Robbins 49:10 Yes.

Jamie Kern Lima 49:10 And I love how you described it, it feels constricted. And I just think of, you know, we think, "Oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, be who everyone else wants me to be or dim my light to play it safe or to get love." It feels that same way. Dimming our light, not being who we truly are can feel like the safe thing to do, but it feels constricted. But when we show up fully authentically, even if not everyone gets it, if we make that decision, "I'm not crazy, I'm just first," right, you're gonna feel what Mel just, uh, uh, described, that expansiveness because it's part of your knowing of who you're born to be, of who you're born to be on this earth. And like, yeah, I love that. That's beautiful.

Mel Robbins 49:49 Well, I always get the question, and I know you do too, "How do I know the difference between something I'm afraid to do..."

Jamie Kern Lima 49:55 Mm.

Mel Robbins 49:56 Then the fear is real.

Jamie Kern Lima 49:57 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 49:57 And here's what I have to say to you. Nine times out of ten, I am afraid to do the thing that I know is right.

Jamie Kern Lima 50:05 Yeah. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 50:06 And the fear is real.

Jamie Kern Lima 50:07 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 50:08 And that's why you have to get still.

Jamie Kern Lima 50:09 Yes, exactly.

Mel Robbins 50:10 Now, there's another lie, so this is kind of the third lie that you really had to dismantle, which is your weight determines your worth.

Jamie Kern Lima 50:18 Hmm. Hmm. Woo. Yes. For every person listening, Mel Robbins, most of my entire life, I believed my weight determined my worth.

Mel Robbins 50:31 What does that mean?

Jamie Kern Lima 50:32 Right now, 89% of girls and women will opt out of meaningful activities, including interaction with friends

Jamie Kern Lima 50:40 and loved ones, when they do not like how they look. We miss out on our lives when we are waiting on our weight. And by the way, for some people, it's not literal weight. It's the weight of other people's expectations that they need to stop waiting on, the weight of their own expectations, right? What are you waiting on right now in your life and how are you letting that determine your worth, uh, before you live your best life? So, this was a lie that took me most of my entire life so far to unlearn. And I created a business that was so about celebrating every person, you know, for, for their authentic beauty. I was able to overcome so many lies that lead to self-doubt in my life. I was able to build self-worth around believing I was worthy of having a CEO title, right? Uh, of running a business, of building a team of over a thousand, all those things. But I still struggle with the lie that my weight determined my worth. And it wasn't until my daughter's one-year birthday. We're at this hotel, and I'm about to opt out of swimming again, because I don't wanna wear the swimsuit. I wanna sit in the, uh, on the chair on the side of the pool-

Mel Robbins 51:53 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 51:53 ... all covered up-

Mel Robbins 51:54 Yep.

Jamie Kern Lima 51:54 ... and miss out on this moment in her life. When I realized what has waiting on my weight already cost me in my life. And the answer? Way too much. Memories, experiences, joy, like, all of it, 'cause as humans, as you know, we're wired to avoid pain at all costs. And I had been thinking, "Oh, if I go out there in my swimsuit, I'll be judged. I'll be this, I'll be that." I was associating pain with that. In that moment, I flipped the script and I associated more pain with what I had missed out on, with the pain of regret, with the pain of what has waiting on my weight already cost me.

Mel Robbins 52:40 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 52:40 And that is how I flipped the lie

Jamie Kern Lima 52:42 around, and I decided no more, and I literally took my cover up off. I shook my cellulite with joy-

Mel Robbins 52:49 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 52:49 ... and I got right in that pool, and, and, and I made it not about me anymore. I'm like, the, me hiding on the sidelines is, what I'm doing is I'm telling my daughter she's not worthy of her body either. I am not. Uh-uh. Like, that lie has gotta stop now. The moment we step into our power, that is when we give other people permission to step into theirs, right? And now every time I walk around in a swimsuit, all I think about is, I would never care what someone else looks like. People do not care what I look like. This is about, like, living life with no regret. This is about inspiring other people to embrace all of who they are and start considering what has waiting on your weight already cost you?

Mel Robbins 53:32 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 53:32 Right? And, and when we think of it that way-

Mel Robbins 53:35 Yes.

Jamie Kern Lima 53:35 ... that is almost way more painful than the fear that we're making up in our heads about just living our best life as who we are, exactly as we are.

Mel Robbins 53:44 Uh, uh, uh, I... Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I don't have anything to add, so I'm gonna-

Jamie Kern Lima 53:51 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 53:52 ... go to lie number four. So lie number four, if I stand out, I'll get kicked out.

Jamie Kern Lima 53:56 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 53:56 What does that mean?

Jamie Kern Lima 53:58 This is a big one, because as women, we learn to downplay our strengths, to dim our light to fit in. We often will bond over problems, right? We'll be self-deprecating. If we get a victory, we'll downplay it and give credit away to someone else. But if there's something wrong with us, like, you know, we'll f- we'll tell everyone, "Oh, my house is a disaster. My kid is a hot mess." And we bond with each other over problems, and we worry, like, "Oh, wow, I crushed this," or, "I did... You know, this happened to me." We worry if we share that, then, you know, if we're great, we'll get hate. And-

Mel Robbins 54:38 I actually struggle with this one.

Jamie Kern Lima 54:40 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 54:40 There are very few people that I share my success with.

Jamie Kern Lima 54:45 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 54:46 Or my wins.

Jamie Kern Lima 54:47 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 54:47 Or my, the things that I'm really proud of, that are going really, really well. Like I-

Jamie Kern Lima 54:52 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 54:52 ... chronically downplay things.

Jamie Kern Lima 54:55 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 54:55 You're somebody that I'm the first person to text, the first person to be like, "Oh, my God, ............................" Like, big and small.

Jamie Kern Lima 55:03 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 55:03 But this is definitely something that I struggle with, that I... Uh, you know, and I grew up around someone who constantly was griping about other people-

Jamie Kern Lima 55:14 Mm.

Mel Robbins 55:15 ... who were wealthy-

Jamie Kern Lima 55:16 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 55:16 ... or who had this-

Jamie Kern Lima 55:17 Yes.

Mel Robbins 55:17 ... or who had that or had the other thing, and I started to associate, uh, any kind of standing out-

Jamie Kern Lima 55:25 Mm.

Mel Robbins 55:26 ... as attracting......disapproval, a lack of love.

Jamie Kern Lima 55:30 Mm-hmm. Yes, exactly, that's exactly it. Right? We think, "If I stand out, I'll get kicked out. I will, I will no longer belong and be loved." And so we hide and dim our light. And thank you for

Jamie Kern Lima 55:43 l- just texting me when you have a victory, because I hope you sense I'm so freaking excited for you-

Mel Robbins 55:49 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 55:49 ...and so happy, right?

Mel Robbins 55:51 That's why I text you. (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 55:53 And, (laughs) and real friends want the best in others. And it just takes every one of us together to start celebrating wins of other people, to start sharing our own wins. And I think one, just one tip on that for everybody listening, if you're just hesitant to, you know, unlearn that lie and you're, you're just, you're worried that people will think, "Oh, who does she think she is?" Or, "She's arrogant." Or that, all that crap, which is just their own unworthiness being reflected on you because they also believe that lie, instead of thinking, "Oh, I'm gonna share my win because of myself-"

Mel Robbins 56:24 Right.

Jamie Kern Lima 56:24 ...just flip it and think, "When I share my win, I'm living an example of freeing another woman to start sharing hers."

Mel Robbins 56:32 Hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 56:32 And you make it about something bigger than yourself, and that is how you unlearn the lie one step at a time, especially for, for people that feel like, oh, you know, self-worth is selfish. It's not. It is not. The, the, the more you raise your own self-worth, the stronger you are an example for other people on how to believe they're enough too.

Mel Robbins 56:51 Awesome. The fifth lie I wanted you to explain that you had to confront was, "Labels are permanent." What does that mean?

Jamie Kern Lima 56:58 Ah. Yes. Mel, so many of us in our life have let labels that someone else said about us, could be in our childhood, it could be in a relationship as an adult, uh, something an employer said, something someone said online, something we told ourselves, we've let these labels stick to us and take root, and we've told ourself the lie that they're permanent.

Mel Robbins 57:21 I have a, I have a question for you about this-

Jamie Kern Lima 57:23 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 57:23 ...because there is this remarkable thing that happened to you when you were building IT Cosmetics, where you are wildly successful, you're sitting in a meeting with a bunch of bankers-

Jamie Kern Lima 57:35 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 57:36 You have gone through all of these rounds, through this process, and somebody gave you a label.

Jamie Kern Lima 57:43 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 57:44 And I'd love for you to tell that story and then tell us how the heck did you peel that label off yourself-

Jamie Kern Lima 57:53 Yes.

Mel Robbins 57:53 ...when somebody so publicly just took you down?

Jamie Kern Lima 57:58 Yes. So often, we think the label's permanent, or we don't realize we're carrying it around and we're believing it and we're letting it take root in our identity, but labels are like Post-It notes. They have this light adhesive. They come right off when you decide for them to come off. So, uh, but it's hard when we don't realize they're stuck to us, and they can be like lead balloons on our wings when we're trying to fly. They hold us down. And so I was meeting with this potential investor, huge private equity company, and you guys, I really wanted him to believe in us 'cause I thought, "Maybe he'll be able to use all his leverage and power to get us into all the retail stores," right, that were telling us no. And, uh, uh, and this big investor, they're known for, like, taking little small companies and making them huge companies that a lot of us shop for in grocery stores or big box retailers. And-

Mel Robbins 58:49 And, and to put this in context, you're already killing it on QVC.

Jamie Kern Lima 58:52 Mm-hmm. Where'd you hear that?

Mel Robbins 58:52 Like, this is not like you're in your living room anymore.

Jamie Kern Lima 58:54 Yeah. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 58:55 This is Jamie is legit the biggest brand at QVC. She's destroying it, and now she's gonna level this up. And so she goes to somebody in the industry, and she has... You have the re- results, and you have the product.

Jamie Kern Lima 59:10 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 59:10 And you've got the track record.

Jamie Kern Lima 59:11 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 59:11 And you've got the revenue. And you go waltzing in there meeting after meeting and tell-

Jamie Kern Lima 59:15 Meeting after meeting.

Mel Robbins 59:16 ...te- like, tell us what happened.

Jamie Kern Lima 59:17 Yeah. And they loved our products, and I just thought, "This is gonna be so great 'cause we're gonna take it to the next level." And all these things. And, um, got to the final meeting. I presented our whole product pipeline for the future, and, like, I just thought this was going so well. I thought, "Oh my gosh. This is gonna be it. This is gonna be it." And at the very end of the meeting, he's three feet from me, my husband's on the other side, and I remember the moment his mouth started

Jamie Kern Lima 59:41 moving and he says, you know, "Congratulations. You should be so proud of this product, but it's a no. We're gonna pass on investing in IT Cosmetics." And I was like, "Okay. Can you tell me why?" Because feedback is usually a gift. And he just got really quiet. And, and then he says to me, "Do you want me to be really honest with you?" And I said, "Yes, please." He says, "I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight." I remember a lifetime of self-doubt and body doubt, like, flooding my body all at once, right? But Mel, the moment he said those words to me, "I just don't think women'll buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight," I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, I can feel it like it was yesterday, that said, "He's wrong." And what I know happened in that moment, because I got that deep feeling, was that this dude gave me a no, but God gave me a knowing. Right? And it goes back to what we're talking about, is whether we're the ones telling ourselves no or someone else gives us a label and it's a no, like, it, it always comes down to which you listen to. Do you listen to the no or do you listen to the knowing? We let these labels or these stories we're telling about ourselves stick to us, and sometimes we don't realize we're doing it,

Jamie Kern Lima 1:01:02 okay?

Mel Robbins 1:01:02 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:01:02 And, and, and whether it's, "I've had failures. I've made mistakes. Everyone keeps breaking up with me. Uh, friends betray me." Wh- whatever these stories are, these labels can snowball and impact everything we believe. And so in Worthy, I go through this exercise on, how do you identify these labels? They can impact your self-worth at such a deep level. And again, in life, so many of us have had failures, rejections, et cetera, that have rattled our confidence. But when we let them take root as a label that we're a failure-...we're a reject, that's when it impacts our self-worth, that's when it impacts everything in our life. And so, learning to identify those labels and then ask yourself, "Is that really true?" No, it is not really true. It is the story we are telling ourselves, right? And we can remove that label and replace it with a new empowering label. So in the case of me being adopted and- and my parents always working, I was like, "Okay, I can look at it as I'm unwanted or abandoned." Uh- Right. ...uh, and instead I'm like, "No, no, no, what is something that is actually really true," it has to be true, "that I'm gonna believe about this story?" Oh, I'm chosen. My birth mom, her life would have been way easier if she did not have me, but she chose to have me, and then my parents who raised me chose to adopt. I- I'm- I'm not rejected, I'm not unwanted, I'm chosen. And here's one of my favorite ones for someone listening today. This is my, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna jump in my seat-

Mel Robbins 1:02:33 You are hopping in your seat.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:02:33 ...at this one. I'm hopping in my seat.

Mel Robbins 1:02:34 She's getting wound up, everybody.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:02:36 (laughs) 'Cause I feel like I-

Mel Robbins 1:02:37 Jamey's winding herself up.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:02:38 You know when you, like, talk about our knowing? I just think about every day w- we get rejected, we- we tell ourself noes, we get people sticking labels on us. We apply for the job, we want it so bad, and we don't know why they didn't see our value and we don't get it, and we have the person betray us or pull the rug out from under us, and we're so tempted to assign a label that is, uh, disempowering, right? And so my favorite way to do this is to replace it with new empowering labels. So for example, every time, uh- uh, something like that happens to me, uh, I will assign a new label that I believe to be true, whether it was the person that I really wanted to be friends with and they just don't see my value, or the people that don't include me, or the, uh, door that closed in my face, or whatever it is, I decide the label as divinely ordered, like my life is divinely orchestrated, right? And I choose that label and that trust over rejected, failure. By the way, Mel, I don't think I've ever shared this before on a- on a- on, uh, you know, out loud, but in, um, high school, I was voted biggest procrastinator.

Mel Robbins 1:03:44 Really?

Jamie Kern Lima 1:03:44 Biggest procrastinator in the high school yearbook. And listen, at the time, it was kinda true. (laughs) You know what I mean? I, like, wanted to hang out with my friends and I wanted to... I was working four jobs, and so I'd turn in homework late and all these things. If I let that label that people gave me at that time, biggest procrastinator, there right in the yearbook, if I let that take root, I could have never, like, I could have never when I had those feelings, when I was a struggling waitress feeling like, "Oh, I could launch a business," if I let that label take root, I coulda never done it, right? It's about assigning new labels, like, you know?

Mel Robbins 1:04:22 And this is everywhere, like, I'm thinking people that say, "I'm not a morning person."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:26 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:04:26 Or, "I'm not smart," or, "I'm not good with languages."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:28 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:04:28 Or, "I'm not great at math."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:30 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:04:30 Or, "I could never." Or back to the-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:32 I'm too old.

Mel Robbins 1:04:32 ..."I'm too old."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:33 I'm too young.

Mel Robbins 1:04:34 Got it.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:34 My days have passed. No one wants... All of it.

Mel Robbins 1:04:37 Wow.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:38 All of it. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:04:40 I f- I feel like I should just race outta here and go do something. Like, I'm like, "Okay."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:45 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 1:04:46 All right, all right, all right. You know, like...

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:47 Go be worthy.

Mel Robbins 1:04:47 If you hear, like, a great sermon or a moti- motivator, I'm like, "Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go." But what are... What- what is... Well, whatever happened to that investor? Did you ever see him again?

Jamie Kern Lima 1:04:56 Oh. Okay, I didn't hear... By the way, I prayed before this episode, like, something that would happen in this room today is exactly for someone listening to us right now.

Mel Robbins 1:05:03 'Kay.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:05:04 So I love that you feel that way, 'cause I feel that way. I cannot wait until people write into The Mel Robbins Podcast and share this episode, right? Because that... We all need these, the... To unlearn these lies that lead to self-doubt. Um, okay, I did not hear from that- that potential investor again for six years. Um, the day that we sold our business to L'Oreal, right, which how wild. I mean, when I was waitressing Denny's saving my tip money, like, I could have never imagined that this would all happen. I had hoped, I had little feelings, but the day L'Oreal bought our business for $1.2, uh, billion cash, and they- they were a public company, so it was all over the press, it was the home page of the Wall Street Journal, that was the first time I heard from him, uh, the one who said, "Women won't buy makeup from someone who looks like you." First time I heard from him in six years, and he said, uh, "Congratulations on the L'Oreal deal. I was wrong."

Mel Robbins 1:05:57 No shit, motherfucker.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:05:58 And... (laughs)

Mel Robbins 1:06:00 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:00 And I... And, uh, it's funny, I know I've jok- I've- I've joked with you before about this, that in that moment, like, I just think for anyone who's seen the movie Pretty Woman-

Mel Robbins 1:06:08 Uh-huh.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:09 ...where they... she goes in the store and they won't help her?

Mel Robbins 1:06:12 Yes.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:12 And then she comes back later. Like, what I wanted to say to him in that moment was, "Big mistake. Huge. Huge! I can give you 1.2 billion reasons why."

Mel Robbins 1:06:21 (laughs)

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:21 "It was a huge mistake." But I kept it classy, I did not say that. Um, I wouldn't have wanted to be him, and I believe, you know, I go into Worthy about...

Mel Robbins 1:06:32 But here's the thing.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:33 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:06:34 Here's the thing. If he had said yes-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:40 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:06:40 ...you wouldn't have sold your company-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:44 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:06:44 ...for over a billion dollars to L'Oreal, and you wouldn't have been directed-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:52 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:06:52 ...on the path you were meant to go-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:06:54 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:06:54 And one of my biggest takeaways always when I listen to you and I hear your wisdom is that it's easy to look backwards at your life-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:07:04 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:07:05 ...and both go, "Thank God-"

Jamie Kern Lima 1:07:07 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 1:07:08 "...it happened that way," or, "I now understand how all the dots connect."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:07:13 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:07:14 What you're talking about is the life-changing magic of learning how to be in the present moment, the present day, and trust that the dots will connect-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:07:32 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:07:33 ...and that your life is directing you toward the lessons or toward the life that you are supposed to be leading.And that if you can get out of this self-doubt, and if you can tee up the lies and the labels that you keep telling yourself that simply aren't freaking true-

Jamie Kern Lima 1:07:54 Yes.

Mel Robbins 1:07:55 ... that you can drop into this deeper knowing. And the deeper knowing can be as simple as, "It is going to work out."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:08:04 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 1:08:04 "I am figuring it out."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:08:05 Yep. Yep.

Mel Robbins 1:08:06 "I do know what is right for me."

Jamie Kern Lima 1:08:08 And, "I'm worthy of being who I am. I'm worthy of my goals and, and my dreams." And our self-worth is our ceiling. Our self-worth is our ceiling in every area of life,

Jamie Kern Lima 1:08:21 and it's those lies that I'm so grateful we got to dive into t- they, they create a ceiling for us. They create a ceiling, right? And so unlearning those lies and learning to believe that you are worthy exactly as you are. You are not crazy, you're just first, right? That your past failures do not determine your future successes, right? That if you stand out, you'll get kicked out. Oh, uh-uh. If you stand out, that is how you step into alignment with your assignment and the person that you're born to be. So it's like, unlearning those lies is the, the greatest way to get like on that, on your north star of, of, of who you're born to be and to, and to enjoy the journey. Because when we're living under the belief of all these lies, you cannot be fulfilled. No matter how much you accomplish, you cannot be fulfilled when you don't believe you're enough. You cannot accomplish your way into fulfillment when underneath it all, you don't believe you're enough. You cannot get married and have the kids and get the six-pack abs and do all the things you thought and then those will make you fulfilled. They will not make you fulfilled when underneath it all, you do not believe you are worthy or enough. And so that is why this episode is so powerful that you're putting out about unlearning the lies. You are fully worthy. And learning to believe you are and that you are enough, that is what brings fulfillment in your whole life. That's when you, you know, on that path, are able to be fulfilled as you step into all the most beautiful and hard and difficult parts of your life. And last thing I'll say is when you believe you're worthy, you become more fearless and more ambitious, right? Because you know, "Oh, I might go for it and fall flat on my face. It might shake my confidence for a little bit, but it cannot touch my self-worth," right? So your self-worth is your ceiling, which is why I'm so passionate about this because when we don't believe we're enough as, as we are, we'll either stay stuck, we'll go for things and sabotage them, we'll hit a ceiling, or we'll actually achieve 'em but feel empty and like something's missing. So believing you're enough, building your sense of worthiness, it's the key. I did a lot of things my whole life where I did not feel fulfilled and I thought something was missing even though I was achieving, and I didn't know why. And it's 'cause deep down inside, I didn't yet believe I was enough. So that is the one thing that will change everything.

Mel Robbins 1:10:32 Jamie Kern Lima, I cherish our friendship.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:10:35 Mm. I love you.

Mel Robbins 1:10:36 I... love your wisdom and how relatable you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for pouring into us and for writing a book that gives us a pathway to discovering our self-worth and unlocking the unique, limitless potential of our lives.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:10:59 Mm.

Mel Robbins 1:11:00 I love you. And for you listening, I just want to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And clearly identifying these lies and these labels and punching them in the face and tapping into your self-worth is the way you're going to do that. I'll talk to you in a few days.

Jamie Kern Lima 1:11:20 Don't be surprised if they don't get you or try to shame you to fit in 'cause when you people please for others, you end up betraying yourself. There's no one else quite like you in the entire universe. And what your soul knows is you're not crazy, you're just first.