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The Mel Robbins PodcastThe Mel Robbins Podcast

Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — By the time you finish listening, your perspective on death—and life—will be forever changed. Today, Mel sits down with death doula and best-selling author Alua Arthur for a transformative conversation about how embracing the shortness of life can unlock a profound sense of joy and purpose in your life right now. Alua shares three powerful questions you should ask yourself today and reveals an inspiring exercise to perform on your birthday to help you live with more intention and gratitude. With wisdom, warmth, and humor, Alua shows how getting real about death can unlock the authentic, fulfilling life you’re meant to live. Prepare for a mindset shift that will change how you look at life, death, and everything in between. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-229 Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 0:00 Introduction 3:03 Why confronting your own death can help you build a better life 11:53 Alua helps people die for a living, here’s what that means 14:21 The ONE exercise you should start doing on your birthday 18:21 Why does talking about death actually bring more life to you? 24:03 The step-by-step guide for how to show up for sick or dying loved ones 26:53 Why Alua says people should be clapping at your funeral 28:47 So what even happens after you die? 35:23 How to have the hard conversations with your aging parents about death 42:05 Exploring one of the hardest questions: what happens to you after you die? 45:31 Your funeral is just another wedding, here’s what Alua means 47:51 Alua’s shares the most common regrets of the dying 48:42 The 3 questions you need to consider when thinking about death 51:42 The handbook for mourning a complicated relationship 54:18 Alua gives you her personal guide to processing grief 58:32 How to turn grief into a powerful tool to improve your life 1:03:30 What you should know about leaving a legacy behind 1:05:30 What does Alua think her last words will be? — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostAlua Arthurguest
Oct 31, 20241h 8mWatch on YouTube ↗

CHAPTERS

  1. 0:00 – 4:10

    Death as a mirror: meeting yourself on your deathbed

    Mel and Alua open with the blunt truth that everyone is dying, and Alua reframes death as a powerful advisor. They set the central promise of the episode: contemplating the end can clarify who you are, what’s misaligned, and what needs to change now.

    • Death as “best advisor/teacher/motivator” for authentic living
    • The idea of having to “meet yourself” on your deathbed
    • Living well as the foundation for dying well
    • Framing mortality as inspiration rather than morbidity
  2. 4:10 – 9:35

    Reading from the book: realizing you’ve been “living dead”

    Mel has Alua read an early passage from Briefly, Perfectly Human that captures a pivotal moment of self-recognition. They unpack what it means to feel out of alignment—like you’re wearing someone else’s life—and how mortality makes that impossible to ignore.

    • Book excerpt: imagining the person you want to be at death
    • Shame and awakening: noticing you’ve been ‘living dead’
    • Recognizing misalignment despite having ‘carefully created’ your life
    • Death contemplation as a catalyst for honest self-assessment
  3. 9:35 – 11:54

    Why we avoid death talk—and why it matters

    They explore the psychological resistance to discussing death: fear, discomfort, sadness, and the unknown. Alua argues that avoidance doesn’t prevent death—it only leaves us unprepared emotionally and practically.

    • Fear of the unknown ‘death part’ and the limits of the human mind
    • Avoidance as pain-avoidance and denial
    • Myth-busting: talking about death won’t make you die
    • Preparedness and agency increase when you speak about it
  4. 11:54 – 14:09

    What a death doula does (and how it differs from hospice)

    Alua defines death doula work as non-medical emotional, logistical, practical, and spiritual support for the dying and their circle. She explains how doulas collaborate with hospice and also work “upstream” with healthy people on end-of-life planning.

    • Definition: non-medical support before, during, and after death
    • End-of-life planning for healthy people as well as the seriously ill
    • Collaboration with hospice teams and families
    • Support includes emotional, practical, logistical, spiritual care
  5. 14:09 – 18:21

    The birthday ritual: annual review of plans, values, and unfinished conversations

    Alua recommends revisiting end-of-life plans yearly—especially on your birthday—as a ritual of reflection. She offers a visual exercise: place yourself on the line from birth to death to clarify values, priorities, and what you want from the years ahead.

    • Review your plan yearly; birthday as a grounding reminder of finitude
    • Practical prompts: decision-makers, life support, body disposition, services
    • Emotional prompts: who to say ‘I love you’ to, who to forgive
    • Lifespan line visualization to reassess time, priorities, and values
  6. 18:21 – 23:44

    How Alua got here: depression, Cuba, and a bus-ride epiphany

    Alua shares her path from legal aid attorney to death work, shaped by depression and a life-reset trip to Cuba. Meeting a 36-year-old with uterine cancer cracked open the need for someone to talk to about mortality—and revealed Alua’s natural ease in that space.

    • Legal career misfit and ‘thick’ depression leading to medical leave
    • Near-miss accident jolting her into presence
    • Meeting a dying peer who couldn’t talk openly with friends/family
    • Birth of the insight: death work ‘chooses’ people; talking about death brought her back to life
  7. 23:44 – 26:54

    Showing up for sick or dying loved ones: what to say, what not to say

    They move into practical guidance for supporting someone facing illness or death. Alua emphasizes presence, validation, and humility—starting with ‘I don’t know what to say’—and avoiding platitudes or centering your own experience.

    • Lead with honesty: ‘I don’t know what to say’ + validation
    • Ask how they’re feeling; let them guide the conversation
    • Avoid ‘It’ll be okay’ and ‘I know what you’re going through’
    • Create space for normal talk too (even Kardashians)
  8. 26:54 – 28:43

    “Clap at my funeral”: dying well by living authentically

    Mel revisits Alua’s viral idea: she wants loved ones to clap at her final breath. Alua explains it as an honoring of authenticity, presence, generosity, and the grace of letting go—turning the end into a meaningful completion, not just loss.

    • Clapping as recognition: ‘she did her’—authentic life lived
    • Dying well is downstream of living well
    • Funeral rituals as a reflection of values and example
    • Honoring spirit without sanitizing the reality of death
  9. 28:43 – 35:22

    Afterlife beliefs and the moment of dying: what it can look and feel like

    They explore what might happen after death through stories, metaphors, and evolving beliefs. Alua describes common physical signs near death and the palpable ‘fullness’ in the room after the last breath, while leaving room for individual spiritual frameworks.

    • Client story: ‘eye in the sky’ dream and last-minute baptism
    • Alua’s evolving belief: return to stillness, peace, love; ‘birth into something new’
    • Dying process: receding, sleep, breathing changes, stillness after final breath
    • Room energy after death feeling ‘thick’ and warm; rituals (like clapping) can help
  10. 35:22 – 42:05

    Talking with aging parents: using “stuff,” friends’ deaths, and pop culture as entry points

    Mel asks how to start hard conversations with parents, especially when they avoid the topic. Alua reframes practical talk—downsizing objects, funeral preferences, reactions to others’ deaths—as the easiest doorway into deeper emotional and spiritual discussions.

    • Practical talk isn’t deflection; it’s often genuine processing
    • Ask about the meaning of objects to open life review and values
    • Use friends’ deaths, medical events, or celebrity funerals to start conversations
    • Normalize preferences (viewing, cremation, burial) without judgment
  11. 42:05 – 47:52

    Funerals as ‘another wedding’: designing a meaningful goodbye and honoring the body

    The conversation turns to end-of-life celebrations and personal preferences, including Mel’s story about distributing ashes globally. Alua describes her desire for a green burial and argues funerals can be a purposeful ‘period on the sentence’ that reflects who the person truly was.

    • Mel’s example: sharing ashes with a request for letters/photos—legacy in motion
    • Alua’s preference: green burial, shroud, returning to the earth
    • Funerals as a chance for communal grief and truth-telling about the person
    • Clarifying values by deciding what happens to your body and how you’re remembered
  12. 47:52 – 50:11

    Common regrets of the dying—and the three core questions to live by now

    Alua outlines the regrets she hears most: living inauthentically, misusing time, and failing to show love clearly. She offers three deathbed questions—Who did I love? How did I love? Was I loved?—as a present-day checklist for courageous repair and connection.

    • Regrets: living for others, prioritizing work over life, not showing up in love
    • The importance of ‘I love you,’ ‘thank you,’ and ‘please forgive me’
    • Three guiding questions: who/how you loved, and whether you were loved
    • Using mortality to prompt reconciliation before it’s too late
  13. 50:11 – 54:19

    Mourning complicated relationships: truth over sainthood

    Through a story of a difficult grandmother and Mel’s friend estranged from her father, they address disenfranchised grief. Alua insists death doesn’t rewrite history; healing can mean boundaries, truth-telling, and grieving what you never received—not forced forgiveness.

    • Story: dying grandmother wanting reconciliation vs. children’s boundaries
    • You don’t owe forgiveness just because someone is dying
    • Avoid making the dead into saints; it can invalidate others’ grief
    • Grieve both the person and the relationship you didn’t get to have
  14. 54:19 – 1:03:31

    Alua’s grief handbook: Peter’s death, anger, and turning grief into purpose

    Alua shares the death of her brother-in-law Peter, reads a poignant passage, and describes how grief doesn’t leave—it changes form. She reframes grief as an opening that can reveal your fire, anger, and purpose, transforming pain into action and service.

    • Peter’s fast illness and the reality of anticipatory grief
    • Grief persists; learning how it wants to express (including anger)
    • Anger as fuel for change; grief cracking you open to a new self
    • Purpose and legacy emerging through death doula work
  15. 1:03:31 – 1:08:30

    Legacy and last words: gratitude as a life practice

    Alua reframes legacy as the impact of who you are, not just achievements or money, illustrated by a story of an unhoused man whose funeral drew hundreds. She closes with the last words she hopes to say—‘Thank you’—and Mel echoes the call to live now with intention.

    • Legacy is lived daily; impact can be profound without status or wealth
    • Story: unhoused man honored by 400 people through relational impact
    • Desired last words: ‘Thank you’—gratitude for the full human experience
    • Closing encouragement: use death awareness to build an authentic life now

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