The Mel Robbins PodcastDon’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
125 min read · 25,062 words- 0:00 – 3:03
Introduction
- MRMel Robbins
We're all dying, and we're all gonna die.
- AAAlua Arthur
Correct. We are all dying, and we should be talking about death. When I'm thinking about my death, it allows me to see exactly who I've become, and knowing that I'm still living, I have an opportunity to change it. I think death can be a great inspiration for us to start living more authentically and be real with who we are and who we wanna be. I'm gonna be the one who has to meet myself on my deathbed. I wanna make sure that I've been happy with what it was that I did while I was here.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. I've seen this amazing talk that you did online, where you talk about how you wanna die. You said, "And when my loved ones notice that I've released my last breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I died well. But I died well only because I lived well."
- AAAlua Arthur
I want them to clap in honor of a life that I lived and the grace with which I let it go. There are three big questions that I suggest people ask themselves when thinking about their lives and their relationship and their death, which is, "Who did I love? How did I love?" And-
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's Mel. I am so excited that you're here. Welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together. And if you're brand new, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast family. Thank you for choosing to listen to this podcast. And you know what it tells me? It tells me that you're the type of person that values your time, and you're interested in learning ways that you can improve your life. I love that. Me too. You know, recently, I read something that just stopped me in my tracks. It was written by a woman named Alua Arthur. Here's what she wrote. "Our deaths are practically begging us to live. When I'm thinking about my death, I can see very clearly who I want to be." I've never thought about death that way, that it's gonna help me clearly see who I wanna be. Well, that's exactly what we're gonna talk about today. Alua, she's a best-selling author and a death doula. And she's the founder of Going With Grace, an organization that has trained thousands of people in end-of-life planning. And she's flown here today from Los Angeles to be in our Boston studios to speak to you and me. She says that simply allowing yourself to think about your death, how you wanna feel, where you wanna be, who do you wanna be surrounded by, what kind of life do you wanna live so that you're proud of yourself? Just thinking about it unlocks a deeper joy, purpose, and happiness in your life in ways you can never imagine. She also has three questions to ask you today, and a powerful exercise for you to do every year on your birthday. And if you answer these three questions with courage and honesty, it will inspire you to make some incredible changes in your life. After you and I spend time with Alua today, I promise you, we'll both be looking at our lives and our death
- 3:03 – 11:53
Why confronting your own death can help you build a better life
- MRMel Robbins
in a whole new way. Alua, welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast.
- AAAlua Arthur
Thank you very much for having me.
- MRMel Robbins
I am so excited that you're here. And there's a number of reasons why I'm excited that you're here. Uh, but the main one is that I watched your TED Talk, and it is one of the most beautiful, profound, and just kinda jaw-dropping 20-minute talks I have ever seen in my entire life. I was absolutely captivated, and that led me to your book, Briefly, Perfectly Human. And I have to say, first of all, before you even crack this book open, this is one of the most gorgeous books I've ever seen in my entire life. And I cannot wait for you, as you're listening to us, to hold this book in your hands, because it's gonna make you think completely differently about your life. And where I wanted to start is, there's so many passages in your book that just had me gasp and re-read. And I wanna open up to page 10, and have you read to the person listening from your beautiful book.
- AAAlua Arthur
Thank you. Okay, ready?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
"Looking out the window toward the cirrocumulus clouds blanketing the countryside, I think about what I want for my life and who I want to be at my death. It's the first time I'm asking myself these questions. I'm 34 years old. I realize that the Alua I want to be on my deathbed is a woman who has filled her life cup all the way up and has built a life she feels comfortable leaving. On that bus in Cuba, I feel far off from being that Alua. I'm a shell of a human, with a mere pinprick of life left inside my body. I feel the heat of shame for not knowing I've been living dead for so long. My insides tighten. Looking around the bus, I take stock of the individuals aboard and wonder what end they will meet. These people are currently distracted by the daily business of living. One day, they will die. If they sensed the immediacy of life, the preciousness of it, the insignificant significance of it, what would they be doing differently now? How many unwritten books, undeclared loves and unfulfilled dreams lie dormant here in these seats and in these bodies? Would they be content dying from the lives they live, or do they hunger for more?"
- MRMel Robbins
Beautiful. Beautiful. This book begins where you start to talk about how death brings you back to life. What does that mean? And can you tell the person listening where you...... are in your life right now just personally, 'cause you're 34 years old and you're not facing death, you're just contemplating it. So what does this passage mean?
- AAAlua Arthur
This passage means that I'd spent 10 or so years in a career that didn't really fit me, doing work that, while very important and noble, wasn't really working for me.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
I'd put on somebody else's life, it felt like I was wearing somebody else's skin, pretending I was in somebody else's life, but I was in my own. And at 34, at this moment, I was finally noticing that I was not in my life, I wasn't living it. I was surprised to find out that this was my life even though I'd very carefully created all of it. And when I look back on my life, I saw somebody who hadn't lived the way that she'd wanted to. I saw somebody who was living out of alignment with who she was, but yet kept going and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. That's not the death I wanted to meet, so something had to change.
- MRMel Robbins
Have you always been this deep?
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs) I don't find myself to be very deep.
- MRMel Robbins
What?
- AAAlua Arthur
You should ask my mom maybe.
- MRMel Robbins
I, well, the reason why I say that is 'cause I think almost everybody has the experience of feeling stuck.
- AAAlua Arthur
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And boy oh boy did I relate to that sentence that you said, that you felt like you had put on someone else's life.
- AAAlua Arthur
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
That even though you had carefully created it, now that you're in it, you're thinking, "Well, this doesn't feel like I thought it would feel." And what's interesting to me is you're the first person that I've ever talked to who, in that very normal real human experience of waking up and being unsatisfied with your life, or having the courage to recognize this isn't what I want it to feel like, that you immediately jumped to your death. Why is that an important leap, and how did it help you to access something within you to truly change?
- AAAlua Arthur
In full reality, our deaths are practically begging us to live. My death is my best advisor, it's my greatest teacher, it's my greatest motivator. It's the one that tells me all the time that this life is brief and it's precious and it's short. And so when I'm thinking about my death, I can see very clearly who I want to be. I can see how I'm spending my time, I can see if I'm pleased with what it is that I'm doing, and if I'm not, well, my death is asking me to change it all the time. I'm gonna be the one who has to meet myself on my deathbed. I want to make sure that I've been happy with what it was that I did while I was here.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. Can you tell the person that's listening how their life might change if they take to heart absolutely everything that you're about to share with us today?
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, my hope is that when we are thinking about our deaths consistently, that we, we think of our lives in context, like a big glass bubble that holds all of our hopes and our dreams and our wishes and our authenticity and our fear and our doubt and our insecurity. And when I'm thinking about my death, it allows me to see exactly who I've become, and knowing that I'm still living, I have an opportunity to change it. I think death can be a great inspiration for us to start living more authentically and be real with who we are and who we want to be.
- MRMel Robbins
And you're going to teach us how to do that?
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, I'm going to do my best to share what I've learned along the way.
- MRMel Robbins
I have a feeling you're going to teach us how to do that, 'cause I'm already thinking about time traveling ahead, and I, of course, create a lot of space for myself between where I am now and where I am when I'm on my deathbed. Why is it that we have such a hard time talking about death?
- AAAlua Arthur
It scares us. It makes us uncomfortable. It brings up all of our greatest fears, it brings up our inadequacy. We feel really, really small in the face of it. We don't know anything about it. Nobody who's ever been there all the way has been back to tell us exactly what happens. We use our human minds to try to think through something that is not part of the human experience.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
To die is human, but the death part, well, then it's over, and so my brain can't quite fathom what that might be like, and that makes us uncomfortable.
- MRMel Robbins
I hadn't even thought about the death part. I guess I'm more focused on the sadness that I feel for leaving.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- 11:53 – 14:21
Alua helps people die for a living, here’s what that means
- AAAlua Arthur
- MRMel Robbins
You have, um...... made it your career to be a death doula, and a lot of people have not even heard that term before. Can you explain what a death doula is?
- AAAlua Arthur
Sure. A death doula is a non-medical care and support person for the dying person, and their entire circle of support through the process. When I say, "The dying person," I mean anybody who has come into recognition of their mortality. That means that even when people are healthy, we can help them create comprehensive end-of-life plans, to think through their ideas about or thoughts around their death. When people know what they're gonna be dying of, which is typically what we think of a death doula doing, we can support them in creating the most ideal death for themselves under the circumstances. And then after death occurs, we can help family members wrap up affairs of their loved one's life. And so, we're doing all full-scale emotional, logistical, practical, spiritual support for the dying.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. A lot of people have heard of hospice. How is this different from what hospice may provide to a family or someone who's dying?
- AAAlua Arthur
It's collaborative.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
It's supportive. I like to think that we play really well together, because often what happens is that I can either catch somebody much further upstream, like they're still healthy and they're starting to think about their death, or they have a serious diagnosis, and they're not yet on hospice, and they're trying to figure that out. Um, but when somebody's on hospice, we work really well together. Like oftentimes, a hospice nurse will come into the room and ask me, "What's going on with the day? How is everybody doing? What needs paying attention to?"
- MRMel Robbins
But it also sounds like you work with people who aren't ... Well, I guess I should correct that. We're all dying.
- AAAlua Arthur
We're all dying.
- MRMel Robbins
And we're all gonna die.
- AAAlua Arthur
Correct.
- MRMel Robbins
And you work with people that don't have an acute diagnosis and aren't even that close to dying.
- AAAlua Arthur
No.
- MRMel Robbins
They're just wanting to use death as a teacher and as a way to really think about and reshape their life.
- AAAlua Arthur
And also get their plans down.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
You know, start to think practically through it. I notice that a lot of the clients that come for end-of-life planning probably have parents that have died recently, or they're seeing the elders in their family die, or a friend died, and they think, "What a mess. I don't want to create that for myself."
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
"And so what can I do right now in order to get that going?"
- MRMel Robbins
You know when I think about end-of-death planning? When I'm about to get on a plane with my husband.
- AAAlua Arthur
Good call.
- MRMel Robbins
And I can't help but think, over and over in the back of my mind, "Okay, do we have our affairs in order?"
- 14:21 – 18:21
The ONE exercise you should start doing on your birthday
- MRMel Robbins
- AAAlua Arthur
Great.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, what happens if this plane goes down, and we die? And I don't wanna think about that.
- AAAlua Arthur
Understandable. Speaking of which, how's your planning going?
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, I think it's done. (laughs) I mean, I, we've, we've done some things with, with, with people. My husband, uh ... We've done some things with lawyers, and, and planning, and setting things up. But I haven't looked at it in three or four years.
- AAAlua Arthur
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
I probably should.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah, that'd be helpful.
- MRMel Robbins
How often should you look at this?
- AAAlua Arthur
Yearly.
- MRMel Robbins
Yearly?
- AAAlua Arthur
I think so. I love to do it around my birthday. And I know that sounds wild, but being able to celebrate another year reminds me that I'm still here.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
But one day I won't be. Like I may not see my next one.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
And so let me take some time to reflect. I think we need to look at all the practical things, but also start asking like the tougher questions, like, "What kind of death do I want to experience? Who do I want to make my decisions for me if I can't? Um, how do I feel about life support? How do I feel about my life currently? Who do I need to say 'I love you' to?"
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
"Who do I need to forgive?" Think about it, like big picture.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that you do this on your birthday.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah, it's a nice, it's a nice little ritual. It's a nice little touch.
- MRMel Robbins
So if you were to ... A, a in fact, my birthday's coming up.
- AAAlua Arthur
Great.
- MRMel Robbins
So, what questions could I ask myself on my birthday to really invite the subject, or the, I guess I should say reality. Look at this. I'm even sanitizing the way I talk about this to create distance between me and something that is going to happen. I will die. How do I use my death to shape my life, and what questions could I ask myself on my birthday to invite the reality of my death in, and help me truly think about how I want to live my life?
- AAAlua Arthur
There's a lot of ways to go about this. You know, we can spend time on the practical, which I think is an e- easier entry point for some people. Thinking about your affairs, you know? Who want, who do you want to make your decisions for you? What do you think about life support? What do you want done with your body? What services would you like? How would you like it celebrated, et cetera. Also, your possessions, any dependents, all your important information and stuff. But I also suggest that we think about the life that we've lived so far. If folks are interested, there's a little exercise that I like to do, which is to think of my life as a line. Think of my lifespan as a long line, and place myself somewhere on that line, my birth being one end, and my death being the other. So if I place myself someplace on that line, at that current birthday, how far do you, I think I am? How much further do I have to go, and what do I want to experience in the time that I have remaining?
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
It allows me to conceptualize my life in terms of a lifespan, and then see visually where else I still have to go, hopefully.
- MRMel Robbins
How old are you?
- AAAlua Arthur
I'm 46.
- MRMel Robbins
How long do you think you have?
- AAAlua Arthur
I would like to live another 40, 45 years. I don't want to be like 100 and something.
- 18:21 – 24:03
Why does talking about death actually bring more life to you?
- AAAlua Arthur
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. How the heck did you get into this?
- AAAlua Arthur
Into death work?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- AAAlua Arthur
I, you know, I'm still wondering that myself.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
I mean, I know some events happened that made it so, but big picture, sometimes I'm like, "Now, how did we pick this one?" But I really don't think that we choose death work. I think death work chooses us.
- MRMel Robbins
I was just gonna say, do you think you picked this?
- AAAlua Arthur
No, not at all. I mean, when I look back, I can see how perfectly set up everything was so that this is what I'm doing with my time right now. I am a attorney by trade, I worked at legal aid for about eight years, and while I was doing so, I grew a very, very thick depression.
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
And I say thick, uh, 'cause it was heavy, it was dense, but I was incredibly thin. My, my body was a hollow shell. I wasn't living in it anymore, and during that depression, I took a medical leave of absence, um, by my psychiatrist who was like, "Girl, you can't work anymore." And I said, "Yeah, I think you're probably right." So I took a leave of absence, and during that leave of absence, I went to Cuba where I met a fellow traveler on the bus, and her and I talked a lot about life. And we talked a lot about death 'cause she had uterine cancer, and that's how the ideas around being with mortality really started.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you share more about that story-
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... of meeting this woman on the bus and how that impacted you?
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah. So through all this beautiful serendipity, I ended up in Cuba, and as I was heading to the bus stop to go get on the bus to go to Santiago on the other side of the island, a car almost hit me along the way. And I slammed my hands on the hood, and thought, "Don't die on these streets, please. Like, your parents would kill you." Um-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Well, you'd be dead, so like-
- AAAlua Arthur
They-
- MRMel Robbins
... yeah. (laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
Right? I would be mortified also with roots in death, but I'd be mortified that this occurred. Um, and I, as, after the almost car accident happened, I w- was just kinda, like, shocked back into myself. I did what I had to do and raced out to the bus stop where I met a woman in line and we started chatting. She offered to hold the bus for me so that I could get on it 'cause I was in the wrong line and I was running late. She did hold the bus for me in a really interesting way, and when I got on the bus, we started chatting. She told me that she was in Cuba to see the top six places in the world she wanted to see before she died-
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... because she had uterine cancer, and it was jarring to me. I didn't know anybody my age who had died. She was 36, I was 34, and we started talking a lot about her mortality. I asked her questions that I still don't know where I got the hubris to ask, but I asked her about herself on her death bed. I asked her what meaning her life's work had had up until that point, and it created a really fertile ground for us to get into the thick, thick, thick bits about how we're living and ultimately how we're dying. Uh, during that bus ride, I thought, "There should be somebody that people can talk to about death," because she hadn't been talking about it, because when she would, her friends and family would tell her to focus on hope and healing instead, "Don't think about that. Oh, you're gonna get better, don't worry about it. Oh, think about now." But the reality is that she is dying, we are all dying, and we should be talking about death, and the fact that we'd had an opportunity to do so together, it seemed to create some value for her, and I also felt totally in my pocket talking to her about death. Like, I could ask all the weirdo, curious questions I have anyway, and somebody finally answered them. So, it made it really a right place to begin talking about mortality.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you remember the first question you asked her about death?
- AAAlua Arthur
I think I asked what would happen... Well, she was telling me about uterine cancer.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- AAAlua Arthur
She said she was sick, and she said, "I might die." And I said, "Well, what would happen then?" And she said, "Well, I guess I'll be dead." And it was the beginning of, like, a, "Well, what happens if this is it?" Like, what- what does that mean? What does that mean? So we started talking about the afterlife. We talked about herself on her death bed. I asked her to look at herself on her death bed and tell me what she saw, and while she did that, I started to think of myself on my own death bed, and I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like what I saw, which is where that passage came from. I wanted somebody who was really full of her life, you know? Somebody who, like, enjoyed it. Somebody who was present for it, and I wasn't.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's what you meant when you said, "Talk of death is starting to bring me back to life."
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah. I finally felt signs of life in my body again. I finally felt like myself. I felt like a version of myself I really liked, somebody who was curious and engaged and connected and present. Like, I was really present for that conversation, you know? I was leaning forward and maintained eye contact, and wasn't thinking about what a mess I've made of my life. Rather, I was almost hopeful that I could feel myself again.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it's interesting because if you do time travel forward, it creates this space that allows hope and something different to come in to your consciousness, and there, so many of us have this experience in our day to day life of just going through the motions.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And it is true that when you allow yourself to push through the fear and the sadness, and truly think about that moment on your death bed, that it forces you to think about how you wanna feel about your life, and ironically-... creates an opening to change.
- 24:03 – 26:53
The step-by-step guide for how to show up for sick or dying loved ones
- MRMel Robbins
What are some of the things that people say wrong when they are talking to someone and maybe it's a friend that has a cancer diagnosis, or maybe you find out that somebody's parent is, uh, you know, got dementia and their hospice is called in? What are some of the things not to say and what can you say?
- AAAlua Arthur
Let me start with what you can lead with.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, great.
- AAAlua Arthur
Which is perhaps that you don't know what to say if you don't know what to say. That's a great place to begin.
- MRMel Robbins
What does that mean?
- AAAlua Arthur
"I don't know what to say. This sounds really tough. This is a really big deal. This sounds really difficult for you, but I just, I really don't know what to say now." That's a great place to begin rather than try to fill the space with platitudes-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... and, you know, the things that we think that we're supposed to say. We can just begin with saying, "I don't know what to say," and acknowledge and validate their experience, "This sounds really hard," or, um, "How are you feeling? How are you doing with this news?" I think if we can keep our focus on the person who is in the experience of it, then we can avoid getting into some really yucky, muddy waters where we're trying to tell them how to feel about their experience.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm. That's beautiful, and that's probably where the problems come. Where you're like, "Oh, it's gonna be okay, and you'll get through it," and...
- AAAlua Arthur
We don't know that. They might die from it.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, they're gonna die at some point, right?
- AAAlua Arthur
They're gonna die at some point. It might be-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- AAAlua Arthur
... this disease. Alzheimer's and dementia is gnarly. It might be going downhill really fast. Like, saying, "It'll be okay," or, you know, "I know what you're going through," that's another thing we should avoid, because we don't know what their experience is like, even if we have a similar family situation ourselves. I don't know what it's like to be you experiencing this thing right now. And so we can also avoid trying to put ourselves in their shoes or trying to, I say, invalidate what they're experiencing by filling it with what I've experienced or what I would like to experience, or what I think the experience should be like.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. That, "I don't know what to say. It sounds like it's very difficult. How are you doing today?"
- AAAlua Arthur
Great. A+.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my gosh. Thank you.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, I'm very motivated by doing well, so thank you. I appreciate... (laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs) .
- MRMel Robbins
I can do that one. I can do that one. Um, in your experience as a death doula, what are some of the best ways that you can show up for other people when either they're dying or they're supporting somebody else who is?
- AAAlua Arthur
It's a similar way to approach it, which is you show up, you acknowledge, and you validate, and you create space for the person to have their experience, and you keep asking questions. And you just allow them to be, and you allow them to guide the conversation, because maybe they also don't want to talk about it, you know? Maybe they want to talk about the Kardashians instead, and that's totally fine. That's totally fine. Um, so it's important that we create space for them to be where they are and to be in their experience
- 26:53 – 28:47
Why Alua says people should be clapping at your funeral
- AAAlua Arthur
primarily.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, I mentioned earlier, I've seen this amazing talk that you did online where you talk about how you want to die, at sunset, with socks on. If I die with a bra on, you're, you're coming to haunt everybody.
- AAAlua Arthur
Everyone.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) You want to die at home with your affairs in order. And then you said, "And when my loved ones notice that I've released my last breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I died well. But I died well only because I lived well." Can you talk more about that? I've never heard anyone say, "I want you to clap."
- AAAlua Arthur
I want them to clap. I want them to clap at how authentically I lived my life. I want them to say, "Yeah, she did her." I want them to clap in honor of a life that I lived and the grace with which I let it go. I want them to have been proud of me, you know? Even at my death, I still want the people that I care about to think, "Yeah, girl. You did it." I want them to feel as though I, I filled out my life and that I lived by example. I want them to think that I was generous and present, and I cared, and I did my best, and that I was here for the time that I was here.
- MRMel Robbins
I just love the visual of everyone clapping.
- AAAlua Arthur
Isn't that cool?
- MRMel Robbins
It is, because if I didn't have the context, it- it sounds like, you know, your cranky grandmother who you couldn't stand, "Oh my God. Thank God she's finally let go."
- AAAlua Arthur
(claps) (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, baby. Oh, baby. But even in that instance, you're clapping because they were a fighter.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
But I love the acknowledgement of the spirit.
- 28:47 – 35:23
So what even happens after you die?
- MRMel Robbins
What do you think happens?
- AAAlua Arthur
After we die?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- AAAlua Arthur
I hear so many theories that I'm constantly cobbling it together myself. One of the things that I really love is when somebody presents something that I'm just really struggling to understand, and they give me a little bit more context. Can I share one with you?
- MRMel Robbins
Please.
- AAAlua Arthur
Okay. So there was a client not that long ago who, at the 11th hour, decided that she needed to be baptized, that she was not sure about anything that happened, but she felt that she needed to go back to the religion of her childhood 'cause that may get her into heaven or wherever else after she died. And so I asked what had been going on, like why she got to that point. She'd been having these really incredible dreams, um, right before she died when she was in her unconscious state, and she'd see a great big eye in the sky. When she said that, I thought she meant the, you know, the capital eye and the non-dualistic-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... perspective, like the eye that exists within us all. But she meant an actual, like, eyeball in the sky.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Really?
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah, and I got-
- MRMel Robbins
That sounds scary.
- AAAlua Arthur
Like, watching us all the time? I got very uncomfortable all of a sudden. Um, and as we talked through that, she said, yeah, an eyeball that she sees in the sky that sees all and also that we'll go back to so we can watch all, and she thinks of that as heaven. And so she wanted to get baptized to go to heaven, to that eye in the sky.
- MRMel Robbins
And is that a piece that you cobble together that helps you think about what you believe about what happens?
- AAAlua Arthur
I like the idea of an eye, but I like the idea of the letter I, the capital I.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, the eyeball scares me.
- AAAlua Arthur
The eyeballs makes me a little uncomfortable.
- MRMel Robbins
So, what have you cobbled together in terms of how you think about what happens?
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, what I've cobbled together is... Oh, this is tricky because it's changing all the time, and also, the more I talk about it, the less it makes space for my clients to have whatever experience that they may be having.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AAAlua Arthur
You know? When I, when I fill the space with what I think or how I feel, it makes it a little harder for other people to share with me what they think or feel because, first of all, everybody thinks I'm right because of the work that I do. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, now I wanna hear it. Now I really wanna hear it.
- AAAlua Arthur
They think I'm right because of the work I do. You know, my hope is that we can all return to all that ever was and all that ever will be, in a place of absolute perfect and profound stillness, and perfection, and peace, and love. The transcendent, the space from before we were born where I have no conscious memory of, which I think was also a perfect place because it made a perfect human along the way. And my perfect death will hopefully lead me back to that real, juicy, perfect place.
- MRMel Robbins
I thi- I think I believe something very similar.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, I think a lot about the fact that when you're at the moment of creation and you're in your mother's womb, you have no consciousness about the world that you're about to be born into.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I feel that death is the exact same sort of birth, that there is a entire world, and I have no consciousness of what it might be. I know what I hope it might be, but I just trust that as the transition happens, that it is another form of birthing yourself from one world and one state of consciousness to another.
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, every death is a birth into something new, and every birth is also a death. You know? Upon my birth, I died from the womb.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AAAlua Arthur
I changed the way I breathe, I changed probably how I think, I changed how I experienced the world, I changed my sensory experience. I died from that experience into this, so I'll likely be dying from this into something else. Now, what, I don't know. I hope it feels like riding a glitter wave for all of eternity, where I just see sparkles and I am in that perfect place, reconnected with everything that ever was.
- 35:23 – 42:05
How to have the hard conversations with your aging parents about death
- MRMel Robbins
thank you for sharing. How do you bring this conversation up with your parents? There are so many people listening around the world who have parents that are aging, and I personally kind of tap dance around it, I'll then say, "Hey, you know, we should probably have the conversation," and my mom will say something like, "Yeah, we should," and she'll remark about how, "There's so much stuff in this house, like, I'm not even gonna do anything with it. You and your brother are gonna have to clear it out." And so it's more about the surface level stuff, but do you have advice for the best way to set up a conversation with your parents so that you can talk about this topic?
- AAAlua Arthur
I love that your mom is bringing it up-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
... and she's bringing it up that way.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
And I think that the practical is a great way into the deeper emotional, spiritual, psychological stuff that happens.
- MRMel Robbins
Great.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah. Because as she's talking about it, like, "Well, I won't be here and so I don't need this thing anymore," she can explain to you what the meaning behind certain objects were. That meaning has her look back on her life, "Oh, I got this-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... in 1967 when we were kids and we were doing this." You know what I mean?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
So it's a way into, like, the deeper emotional stuff. Um-
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you for saying that-
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... because I...Maybe it's my discomfort, but every time I go home to Michigan where I grew up and we start going through stuff, and she's, like, so focused on, "What do you want? What do you want? Let's get this stuff out of here." And she's only 70-something. I mean, she is, like, full of, like, grrr, you know? Like, let's go. She's got a lot of life in her. Thank God. Um, but I always was thinking this is a deflection.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's not, you're saying actually no, this is fantastic.
- AAAlua Arthur
She's talking about it. I'm so glad to hear she's talking about it. It's an entry point, you know?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
To talk about the things or the practical things, and often, as I was saying, it- it shows what else is under the surface, you know? It may be through an object, but-
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... when talking to people about what they want with their body after they die, I'll hear people say things like, "I can't think of my body burning," when talking about cremation, or, "I can't think of myself burning." That suggests to me that they think of themself and their body as one, or they don't, because they said, "My body as burning." So that's an opening into the deeper spiritual conversation. This, it's all in front of us. We can tell how people think about their death based on how they talk, and certainly when they're talking about their stuff, that's another way in too. Thank you, Mel's mom.
- MRMel Robbins
We're flipping through a bunch of framed things that used to hang on the wall that have now been replaced, and like, "Oh, I love that thing. Oh, those are drawings from my kids." Like, we'll take that. Like, I love this. Is there, in that moment where you're engaging in the stuff, is there a way to just crack the door open a little bit more to go a little deeper?
- AAAlua Arthur
Into the emotional stuff?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, one way is if, if you're noticing that she likes particular objects-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... if there's some things that she likes, maybe you can ask if this is a way that she'd like to be remembered. "When I see a spoon, will this help me think of you?" And she'll maybe say yes, or, "I don't care," whatever else. But maybe she'll say, "Well, I really like butterflies," or, "I feel like your Aunt Helen visits me through the butterflies."
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Or something to start that part of the conversation also.
- 42:05 – 45:31
Exploring one of the hardest questions: what happens to you after you die?
- AAAlua Arthur
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you know, it's true. We all go to weddings.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And let's be honest, we enjoy ourselves, and then either on the way home or the next morning, we're, like, picking apart. "I'd do this. I wouldn't do this. Why did they do that?" Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. Never even thought about funerals being a point of understanding what people like, what they don't like, what they want, what they don't want, what they're comfortable with, what they don't, what they're not. Like, get no open casket for me. Absolutely not. Cremation all the way.
- AAAlua Arthur
You don't want to be viewed at all?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my God, no.
- AAAlua Arthur
That's helpful.
- MRMel Robbins
Absolutely not.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And there was this thing that happened at my father-in-law's funeral that I thought was the coolest thing in the world that I had ever seen. I absolutely want this to happen. Um-He was cremated, and my mother-in-law, I don't know if she went to, like, eBay or whatever. She bought all of these tiny little, uh, remember the film canisters-
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... that were metal that you would kind of screw apart? She got, like, 100 of 'em, and I just have this image of her spooning his ashes into all these canisters. And at his end of life celebration, she came out and had them in this huge salad bowl, and she invited anyone who wanted to have a piece of Ken to come up and take a canister. But there was one requirement: you had to spread his ashes somewhere or keep him in a certain place, and when you did it, she requested that you write her a letter and send a photo of the place where he is. And she now has this extraordinary photo album of him all over the world. We, I have a friend that snuck onto the US Open golf course the last night of the tournament and poured him into, like, the tenth hole, and then he was sealed up. He's overseas. He's been on bike trips. He, you know, my husband, every time he rides his bike, he puts his little, he takes his canister of his father and tucks it underneath, and it's just a beautiful way to see what he meant to other people, and that's what I want.
- AAAlua Arthur
That's incredible.
- MRMel Robbins
Isn't that cool?
- AAAlua Arthur
Have you written it down?
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, no.
- AAAlua Arthur
Okay, well, I'm glad now we've recorded it.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Yes.
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs) Now we know that's what you want.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- AAAlua Arthur
That is so great.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you want? I know how you want to die, but what do you want to have happen after?
- AAAlua Arthur
I want a green burial. I want a natural burial.
- MRMel Robbins
Meaning, they put you somewhere and light you on fire? Is that what that is?
- AAAlua Arthur
No.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, okay. See- see, I went, like- like, boom.
- AAAlua Arthur
I see.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- AAAlua Arthur
Deep in
- MRMel Robbins
... 'cause I feel like, "Okay, that's a beautiful natural thing to do."
- 45:31 – 47:51
Your funeral is just another wedding, here’s what Alua means
- MRMel Robbins
Like, the same way that you, like... I- I- I feel like my daughters popped into this world, and they've been planning their weddings ever since.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's interesting to think about your own death and celebration of your life and how you want it to feel, as something that can be as amazing as a wedding.
- AAAlua Arthur
Even more so.
- MRMel Robbins
H- why even more so?
- AAAlua Arthur
Well, weddings are cute, you know? I wish that we focused-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
... more on the marriage than on the big day itself.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
But the weddings are cute. Weddings are cute. I think funerals, to me, are a nice, big, beautiful period on that sentence, that really would be nice if they, if they showed who the person was, if it really showed who the person was, you know, and people had a chance to be together in their grief around the end of this person's life. I ask all the students that come through the Going with Grace End of Life Training Program what kind of death that they would like, what kind of funeral they'd like, about their legacy, et cetera. And there was this one student years ago who got stuck in the question about who her body belongs to and who her life belongs to. I thought it was so rich.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah, because when we were talking about who her body belongs to, it got her thinking, it got me thinking a- about, "What happens to this body after I die?" You know, in this story that you shared about, is his name Ken?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
That his body now belongs to all these people, and they are now spreading it everywhere. They are doing what they want with it. And so we can use our value system, like try to figure out, "What do I actually, what do I care about?" And now you see I care about eating enough cake so that the bugs can be happy after I die. Like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
... I'm trying to give back, you know? (laughs) It's not just about me and my taste buds.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
No, it's about the Earth. I'm trying to help the Earth.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I think some people do that when they think about whether or not they wanna be an organ donor, but there's a even deeper, richer way to think about who you are-
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and how that gets expressed through your death.
- AAAlua Arthur
That's what death does for us every single time, about my work, about my relationships, about my love, about how I care about my body, certainly what I want to have happen to it after I die, how I planned for it. That's what my death does every single time, if we let it, but most of us are way too scared-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... to even engage in the conversation.
- 47:51 – 48:42
Alua’s shares the most common regrets of the dying
- AAAlua Arthur
- MRMel Robbins
In your experience, what are the biggest regrets that people have on their deathbed?
- AAAlua Arthur
They're mostly around how they spent their time, how they lived, about being authentic. "I wish I'd lived a life for me, not for my parents, or society, or my partner, or my kids, but what was most authentic for me." People also often regret how they spent their time, you know? Spending more of it at the office, or not playing pickleball, or not doing the things that they really wanted to do with their time. I also find that people regret how they showed up for the people that they loved-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm, or didn't.
- AAAlua Arthur
... or didn't, or didn't show up for the people that they loved.
- MRMel Robbins
Probably more.
- AAAlua Arthur
Far more how they didn't show up. Not saying their "I love yous" and "Thank yous" or "Please forgive mes." That's a big
- 48:42 – 51:42
The 3 questions you need to consider when thinking about death
- AAAlua Arthur
one.
- MRMel Robbins
That's something that I think a lot about, that it's only when it's over that people-... that some people find the ability to forgive or to ask for forgiveness, and for somebody that's listening to us right now, could you speak directly to them about what's available today based on the reality of death and what to do today in order to not die with regrets?
- AAAlua Arthur
There are three big questions that I suggest people ask themselves when thinking about their lives and their relationship and their death, which is, "Who did I love?" "How did I love?" And, "Was I loved?"
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Now, these questions, I speak of them in the past tense because I am thinking about somebody who's on their deathbed, but those questions are available for us right now and should be available to us right now. I don't say should very often, but this is one where it's wildly, wildly important for us to think about how we relate to one another and what's still, what's still sticky between us. Too often, I see people at the deathbed where they're wishing for that, you know, magic moment where that person that they've been loving from afar because they did something or the other person did something, they're waiting for that to be reconciled and it just isn't.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Can I tell you a story?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, please.
- AAAlua Arthur
There was a client a few years ago who was in her late 80s. Uh, she was a grandma, and her, one of her grandkids was there. She'd had three biological children, nine grandchildren, and only one was there. This one grandchild had been busting her butt to make so much money to put grandma in one of these homes where there was maybe, like, six people in a room. You know what I mean? It was not fancy or top-of-the-line, but this kid had worked really hard for it. Turns out, Grandma was a terrible parent. Her kids didn't want to be there. They'd made their peace, but Grandma insisted that she did not want to die until those kids came to say goodbye to her. And I talked to all those kids, and they were all done. They'd made their peace with her dying. We eked out a letter, and when I say "ek," I mean she was practically nonverbal at this time, but there were things that she still wanted to say, so we tried really hard to get all these things out. Some of them were asking for forgiveness, but also some of them were staunchly, "I did what I need to do and how I need to do it, and you kids should be grateful."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
And she moved into active dying a very short while later. I don't know what happened with those letters. I don't know if those kids got them. I don't know what they thought of them, but I know that they did what they need to do for themselves.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Sometimes we don't have to forgive just because somebody's dying. We need to speak the truth about how we feel about people while they're living, and if Grandma maybe had tried that earlier, she may have been in a different position when she was dying.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow.
- 51:42 – 54:18
The handbook for mourning a complicated relationship
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I have a very good friend who's been estranged from her parents for a number of years, and her father just died.
- AAAlua Arthur
How is she feeling?
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know how she's feeling today, but I can only imagine that her feelings are all over the place, and mourning someone that you have been estranged from for a long time must just... It doesn't, it doesn't prevent you f- e- like, you still grieve somebody, even if you haven't seen them for a long time, even if you ended on bad terms. And so, I don't know how she's doing today, but as soon as I heard the news, I told her that, "If you want to go to the funeral, I will get on a plane with you. I will go. If you do not want to go to the funeral, that is okay too. I wi- I will come and support you if you want somebody to be there." And she thanked me and said, "You have no idea how much that means," and I just felt like I wanted to do something. And so I decided to send her just a beautiful arrangement of flowers from my husband and I, and I thought and thought and thought and thought and thought about what to put on the card. And so I put this, "Never forget you cut ties with your father not because you didn't love him, but because you loved yourself enough to know you deserve to be treated better."
- AAAlua Arthur
You get another A+.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Oh, really?
- AAAlua Arthur
That is incredible. That's so good. That's so good. What, what I'm hearing from that is the reinforcement of the choice that she made, and what I think is wildly important is that we remember, just because somebody's dying doesn't mean that we then have to undo all the things that doesn't make them a great person anymore, doesn't make them a great person for us anymore. I think it's important that we tell the truth about who people are when they were living and after they die. They tell the truth, we tell the truth about their impact on us. It doesn't change because they died. And when we make people saints after they died, it marginalizes, it disenfranchises the grief of those people that didn't experience them like that.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
You know?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
It's like, people still have to grieve complicated relationships. They still have to grieve when they haven't seen their parent in decades because they chose to step away, and sometimes to me, healing looks like that. It doesn't look like maybe speaking the forgiveness. It looks like making a choice and reconciling it within ourselves.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. That's a lot.
- AAAlua Arthur
It's big.
- 54:18 – 58:32
Alua gives you her personal guide to processing grief
- AAAlua Arthur
- MRMel Robbins
What advice do you have for all of us as we experience grief? Like, how do you think about the process of grieving, which I don't think ever leaves?
- AAAlua Arthur
No, it doesn't leave. It just changes form. You know, when I think about my brother-in-law, I still get emotional thinking and talking about him, and it's been, it'll be 11 years this December.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you tell us about Peter?
- AAAlua Arthur
Oh, I would love to. Peter was my older sister's husband, Bozoma Saint John, that was her husband. And I loved Peter. He was the only big brother I had, I didn't have one, and I was his younger sibling 'cause he was the youngest of seven and didn't have anybody he could exercise dominion over until I came around. Peter...Peter was gregarious. He was silly and really, really smart, and probably just as stubborn and self-righteous as I am, which made for a lot of butting heads, because he was really conservative in nature, and I am not. And so we would just go to war over the death penalty and vegetarianism and veganism and just anything. Um, we got along really, really well despite our challenges, and I got to support him in his death.
- MRMel Robbins
Did he know it was coming or was it an accident?
- AAAlua Arthur
He knew it was coming. It wasn't long. He got diagnosed with Burkitt's lymphoma in June, and by October, they said they couldn't treat him anymore. So it was fast, but it was, uh, it, there was some awareness it was coming. Even though the doctors never, they ne- th- they never said he was dying. They, they said they couldn't treat him anymore.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- AAAlua Arthur
And that, for somebody who was wishing, hoping with all hope that he would live, I did not hear that he was dying. I heard that they weren't going to treat him. My brain maybe, maybe made the jump, but my body, my spirit, my insides didn't want to hear it, didn't want to receive that.
- MRMel Robbins
How old was he?
- AAAlua Arthur
He was 43.
- MRMel Robbins
You write about his death in your beautiful book, Briefly Perfectly Human. Would you mind reading us that passage on, it's on page 53.
- AAAlua Arthur
Oh, I'll do my best. Okay, it's right here. "As I'd done countless times before, I took my position at Peter's feet, which I'd regularly massaged with moisture-rich lotion to prevent them from cracking. Today, they were cold and yellowing due to jaundice. I since learned that in some faith traditions, the soul disengages from the feet first to leave through the head. I held them, quietly and tearfully thanking him for walking the Earth and walking into my life, and wished him well for wherever he was walking to next. Shortly before 4:00 AM, four days before his 44th birthday, my brother-in-love Peter St. John breathed his last."
- MRMel Robbins
I feel like I'm right there in the hospital with you.
- AAAlua Arthur
Every single time. Every single time. It doesn't, the grief doesn't go anywhere. I just learn how to live with it, you know? I learn, um, I think I learned how my grief wants to express. Gratefully, I get to talk about Peter all the time because of my work-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AAAlua Arthur
... 'cause I learned how to doula through Peter.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AAAlua Arthur
Many people don't get that chance. You know, people stop asking about that person after a while, but I still get to talk about Peter, I still get to remember him. He feels very present for me even though I haven't heard his voice in almost 11 years and, you know, he hasn't seen my niece as a teenager. Um, he hasn't seen me finally get it together. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I think he'd be pretty proud of you.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah, I hope so. I hope
- 58:32 – 1:03:30
How to turn grief into a powerful tool to improve your life
- AAAlua Arthur
so.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you want the person listening to know about Peter and how he lived his life and how it impacted you?
- AAAlua Arthur
It sounds wild to say 'cause when I look at it at a distance, it's, uh, it kind of pinches in a way, but Peter's death did serve as a gift to me. Of course I wanted him to live, and with the reality that he died, it ultimately created a lot of opportunity for me, and that's something that we don't think of, you know? I don't wanna-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
I don't mean to bright side it. That's not what I'm doing.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- AAAlua Arthur
But rather I'm seeing what was created from his death, which was for me a real purpose. Like, I learned how to doula. I got real angry about how society does death. I wanted to do something about it. I created a company to do it. I teach people how to be death doulas. I'm still angry about how he died. (laughs) I still wish that he got better, but that has now turned into fuel to support other people. Grief allows a new version of ourselves to emerge. It allows whatever version is being held and boxed in to come to light. It allows a seedling of self to grow because when it's all cracked open, who wants to come out?
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
All bets were off. I didn't even wear pants for a while. I was like, "Forget it. I don't have to. I'm grieving. I'm sad. Everybody's just gonna have to deal."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
And what I saw was a me that was really on purpose, who was really on fire, who was clear about what she wanted to create in the world, and I used my grief to support me in doing it. That grief became... It became a way through. It still is a way through. Grief can be useful. It's hard, but it can be useful.
- MRMel Robbins
You talked earlier about how all death is also a birth, and it sounds like Peter's death was a birth for you, like a new version of you was born in that moment.
- AAAlua Arthur
I met myself in my grief, and I think we often do if we're willing. You know, I saw really who I was and what I wanted, uh, and how I showed up in the world.
- MRMel Robbins
What did you see?
- AAAlua Arthur
I saw fire. I saw anger. My grief expressed a lot through anger, which is something that I typically had not allowed myself to feel much, you know?
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- AAAlua Arthur
I think a lot of women are socialized to sadness first before anger. I also, as a Black woman in America, being angry is something, is a trope, and so I did not often allow myself anger. I just would defer to sadness, but I was pissed. I was hot about the medical care system, about how we care for our dying, about our lack of support for it, and I wanted to fix it. Now, anger can move mountains if we'll let it. You know, I'm sitting here right now because I got really pissed. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
I'm still a little mad. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
It's all right, you're using it-
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
...to make incredible change.
- AAAlua Arthur
Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
And those feelings are valid.
- AAAlua Arthur
Yeah. Well, that's the thing about grief too. I think when we're allowing ourself to just be in the experience of it, we see how nuanced it is, and that we have a lot of emotion, and all of them are fine. They are all totally okay. You know, grief allows us finally to express all the things that perhaps we keep repressed, because we're too busy trying to pay the bills and do our taxes. But grief allows us to be in a deep emotional space.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what else I love that you touched on, is the fact that when somebody dies, it's almost as if we anoint them with sainthood.
- AAAlua Arthur
Come on.
- MRMel Robbins
And you read these, these eulogy... Not the eulogies, you read these things that people put in the paper, and you're thinking, "Did this person also walk on water?"
- AAAlua Arthur
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, what, wha- what? And you see at funerals sort of that quiet murmuring of, you know, now we're just talking about all the good stuff, and there's no acknowledgement that there were real difficulties in the relationship that you may have had with this person. Is it important to kind of acknowledge that for yourself, so that y- you know, as part of the process of grieving, like grieving even who that person wasn't for you?
- 1:03:30 – 1:05:30
What you should know about leaving a legacy behind
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
What does it mean to leave a legacy, and how do you advise people to think about creating yours, or what you want yours to be?
- AAAlua Arthur
Our legacy is often sometimes rooted in who we are. I think people often mistake a legacy with the money or our accomplishments, but rather it's more about who you are as you're accomplishing-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- AAAlua Arthur
...those things. I notice that at funerals people do talk a little bit about, you know, how many lives the person changed, but they also talk about the fact that they changed lives because they were kind, or generous, or thoughtful. Um, legacies aren't optional. You know, we're all leaving one every single day. Even people that we think of as those that maybe don't hold a big position in society are still leaving a huge legacy. Can I tell you another quick story?
- MRMel Robbins
Absolutely.
- AAAlua Arthur
There was a, uh, human that came to me for some support, because she wanted to plan a funeral for somebody who did not have, um, much of a family, at least that she knew. He was unhoused. He lived on the corner where she got her coffee every morning on her way to work, and so she would talk to him sometimes, and got to know him a little bit over the years. One day, she noticed he wasn't there anymore, and searched up and down for him and found out that he had died, and she wanted to honor his life.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- AAAlua Arthur
What happened was we planned what we thought was gonna be a small ceremony, and about 400 people showed up because of the impact that he had had on her life, because of how she talked about him, because of the gems he dropped on her, because he was a touchpoint for her every single day. In her grief, or in her sadness, or in her anger, or in her joy, she would talk to him when she got her morning coffee. That was his legacy. Somebody who otherwise folks would just disregard, you know, pretend that their, that their life had no meaning or purpose. He touched that many people through her. That's a legacy.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, it is.
- 1:05:30 – 1:08:30
What does Alua think her last words will be?
- MRMel Robbins
Alua, what are your parting words?
- AAAlua Arthur
In my life? (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
In this conversation-
- AAAlua Arthur
Hopefully, what a ride.
- MRMel Robbins
...in your life. What are the last words you want to say?
- AAAlua Arthur
I hope the last words I say are, "Thank you." I hope they are, "Thank you," 'cause this life is an utter gift. I am so grateful that I get to look you in the eye and feel connected just by virtue of my sight, that I get to feel joy, and cold, and crunchy french fries. I'm also grateful that I get to feel anger and grief. I'm grateful that I get to live in my purpose, and teach death doulas, and spread the message as far as it will go. I am grateful for cake. I am really grateful for cake.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- AAAlua Arthur
I'm grateful for exercise. I'm grateful for feeling my heart beat. I'm grateful for this air that I breathe. I'm, I'm grateful for my life. I want my last words to be, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." Thank you to all the beings that journeyed with me, to you, to everybody that I met today, to the folks that'll fly the plane, just thank you. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
(claps)
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(claps)
- AAAlua Arthur
Thanks. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
We'll all be clapping, that's for sure.
- AAAlua Arthur
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) I got the memo.
- AAAlua Arthur
I hope so.
- MRMel Robbins
And I'll see you on that glitter wave.
- AAAlua Arthur
I hope so.
- MRMel Robbins
I- I- I believe so.
- AAAlua Arthur
In gratitude-
- MRMel Robbins
And gratitude.
- AAAlua Arthur
...and lot of gratitude.
- MRMel Robbins
You- you- you are a remarkable human being. I am so deeply moved and changed by our conversation today.
- AAAlua Arthur
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
- MRMel Robbins
And I also wanna just take a moment and thank you for being here with us, for staying all the way until the end. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And what an extraordinary gift to use your death as a way to help you make the most of the time that you have left, so that when you are on your deathbed, you are saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you for this life too." I'll be waiting for you in the next episode. And thank you to you for being here with me on YouTube, for watching all the way until the end. Wasn't this incredible? I cannot wait to hear the insights that you got out of everything that you learned today. And one request that I have, is you know that little subscribe button? If you could hit subscribe, that would mean the world to me. It's my goal to have 50% of the people that watch this channel be subscribers, and I'm 9% away from achieving that goal. And so thank you, thank you, thank you. It really shows me that you're enjoying and getting a lot out of the content that we're posting here every single day. Now, I know you're thinking, "Okay, I would love to watch another video, what do you recommend?" I'm gonna send you to this one next.
Episode duration: 1:08:30
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