The Mel Robbins Podcast

Harvard Business School Professor: This One Research Study Will Change Your Life and Career

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Today's episode is going to completely change the way you think about every conversation you've been too afraid to have. Ever wonder why your relationships feel surface level, even after years? Why you feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by people? Why you say “I’m fine,” even when you’re not? Why some people earn trust instantly, while you struggle to be taken seriously? Harvard Business School’s Dr. Leslie K. John, a behavioral scientist who has spent decades studying honesty, trust, privacy, regret, and decision-making, is here to teach you the answer – and it's not what you think. In today’s episode, you will learn the surprising science of honesty, vulnerability, and human connection. Her research has found why the things you don't say are quietly hurting your health, your relationships, and your career – and exactly what to do about it. For years, the advice has been: don't overshare, at work or with friends. Keep things private. But decades of Harvard research say that advice is backwards. Dr. John's findings are shocking, and reveal that the real problem, the one deepening loneliness and costing you the career and connections you want, is undersharing. In this episode, you’ll learn that 89% of people would choose to work with, trust, and hire someone who reveals something difficult, even something unflattering, over someone who stays quiet. That keeping secrets doesn't just feel heavy. Research shows it lowers cognitive performance, IQ, and is linked to measurable declines in physical health. That one of the most common deathbed regrets is “I wish I had shared my feelings more.” That you can use The Disclosure Matrix, which is the exact decision-making tool Dr. John teaches at Harvard Business School, so you always know when to speak up and when to stay quiet. And, you’ll learn the 2-sentence framework that makes any hard conversation easier to start. If you've ever held something back because you didn't want to make things awkward, said "I'm fine" when you weren't, or wished your relationships felt deeper and more honest, this episode will change the way you communicate forever. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-392/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Intro 01:51 Skills That Will Change Your Life 04:21 Should You Should Be Sharing More? 19:03 Understanding Introversion & Shyness 25:19 How To Decide What To Share And What Not To Share 31:24 The Health Cost of Under-Sharing 34:39 Powerful Tools to Process Your Emotions 40:57 How To Deeply Express Yourself In Conversation 44:46 The Cost of Keeping Secrets 47:55 The Harvard Business School Disclosure Matrix Explained 58:47 Why You Should Be Open With Your Feelings — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Leslie K. Johnguest

May 4, 20261h 8mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Why wise oversharing builds trust, wellbeing, and career influence fast

Research experiments show people often trust and choose someone who reveals a negative truth over someone who refuses to answer, because withholding signals distrust and potential deception.
Self-disclosure is intrinsically rewarding and regulating: talking about yourself activates brain reward systems, and expressing emotion reduces physiological stress compared to suppressing it.
Undersharing creates missed relational and career opportunities and carries mental/physical costs via rumination, secrecy, reduced focus, and lower wellbeing.
John frames “revealing wisely” as a learnable skill requiring disclosure flexibility—knowing when to be open and when to maintain boundaries rather than being an “open book.”
Practical tools include an “I feel / I need” script for everyday conversations and a four-quadrant Disclosure Matrix to evaluate the risks/benefits of revealing vs. not revealing before difficult discussions.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Withholding can be more damaging to trust than admitting a flaw.

Across studies (dating and hiring), participants frequently preferred a person who revealed an unfavorable truth over a person who opted out, because refusal triggers suspicion and reads as “you’re hiding something.”

Revealing is a trust signal that invites reciprocal trust.

Sharing something slightly sensitive implicitly communicates “I trust you with this,” and that perception often causes the listener to trust you more in return—an effect John emphasizes is supported by randomized experiments.

Undersharing taxes your wellbeing through rumination and stress.

Keeping secrets and holding back thoughts creates an “unresolved loop” that consumes attention, can reduce cognitive performance, and correlates with poorer mental and physical health outcomes.

Talking a lot is not the same as going deep.

John distinguishes sociability from disclosure: extroverts may still avoid vulnerability, while introverts can be highly forthcoming; what matters is meaningful self-revelation, not word count.

Aim for ‘one layer deeper,’ not instant oversharing.

In casual settings, move from commentary (“nice day”) to meaning (“what did that moment bring up for you?”) and pair a small reveal with a thoughtful question to deepen connection without dumping intensity.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

When we share more, when we open up, when we reveal slightly sensitive things, it causes whoever we're revealing to to trust us more.

— Dr. Leslie K. John

Again and again, we found people prefer the revealer, the person who says the thing, even if it's a terrible thing, relative to someone who hides, who saliently withholds.

— Dr. Leslie K. John

So often, we just kind of default to silence. We don't even consider the possibility of opening up.

— Dr. Leslie K. John

Surface level connections, surface level interactions give this illusion of connection because they have all the trappings of real connection, right?

— Dr. Leslie K. John

It is to share your feelings. And now that you've listened to this podcast, you know I'm not being trite. You know that there's a lot of heft in that. Feelings are data. Feelings are really, really valuable information.

— Dr. Leslie K. John

Trust effects of sensitive disclosurePreference for revealers over non-respondersUndersharing and missed opportunitiesHealth and cognitive costs of secretsIntroversion vs. talkativeness (“extroversion illusion”)Disclosure flexibility and boundariesDisclosure Matrix (four-quadrant decision tool)Emotion labeling tools (emotions wheel)“I feel / I need” communication scriptEmotions as credible information and persuasionCatalyst confessions and leadership stigma reductionImpact bias in forecasting emotional fallout

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