The Mel Robbins Podcast

Harvard Professor Says THIS Is the Secret to Success (It’s Not What You Think) | Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — According to Harvard professor Dr. Luana Marques, there is one sneaky habit that holds every single person back – and no one knows what it is. When she reveals the #habit that holds you back, your first reaction will be to stop and think. And as you listen to her explain it and give you examples, you’ll be shocked that you’ve never before seen it in yourself or heard anyone else point it out to you… until now. You’re not the only one. I didn’t know about this habit until I was introduced to Dr. Marques’ work. What you learn today will change how you think about #success, influence, #mindset, and even #anxiety and procrastination. This sneaky habit has been holding you back and you didn’t even realize how pervasive it is in your life. It’s not self-doubt. It’s not fear. It’s something even deeper. I want you to listen, because she’s the world’s leading expert on the topic, and this is one of those episodes that will make you never look at life the same again. Xo Mel In this episode, you'll learn: 00:00 Intro 02:04 The sneaky habit that’s holding you back, according to Dr. Luana Marques 05:20 Dr. Marques’ story will inspire you and explain how she discovered these tools. 07:32 Why this specific habit is keeping you from your best life. 09:02 How this habit leads to anxiety and panic at work. 13:21 Dr. Marques’ turning point in finding the success she has, against all odds. 19:47 Unpacking exactly what this habit is and how it holds you back, including your body’s response. 29:17 This is how your brain is working against you. 33:30 Simple tools from CBT Therapy research that make a difference. 38:14 Exactly what to do when your thoughts spin and how to change your mindset immediately. 42:42 This approach works even if you don’t believe it. 44:36 How do you stress less and find more peace? 47:08 The first thing Dr. Marques does when helping her clients change. 54:33 How these strategies apply to parenting and family. 1:01:40 When avoidance is necessary in life — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Luana Marquesguest

Jun 14, 20231h 15mWatch on YouTube ↗

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Harvard psychiatrist reveals avoidance—not anxiety—is sabotaging your success

Mel Robbins interviews Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Luana Marques about why avoidance, not anxiety itself, is what keeps people stuck and robs them of a meaningful life.
Drawing on her personal story from poverty in Brazil to Harvard, Marques explains how avoidance operates biologically and psychologically, and why our instinct to escape discomfort backfires long term.
Using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and exposure-based strategies, she outlines practical tools—pause, SHIFT your thoughts, and APPROACH instead of avoid—to rewire your brain and build a “comfortably uncomfortable” life aligned with your values.
The conversation covers everyday avoidance patterns (email, money, hard talks, dating, health fears, parenting) and shows how small, deliberate approaches toward what scares you can transform anxiety into power.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

The core problem is avoidance, not anxiety itself.

Anxiety is like a “fever” that signals something, but the real ‘infection’ is how we respond—by avoiding situations, people, or feelings—which keeps us stuck and shrinks our lives.

Learn to pause and map your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

When you feel anxious or triggered, write down the situation, your thoughts, your emotions, and what you want to do; this activates the prefrontal cortex, calms the fear center, and interrupts the spiral.

Spot your avoidance through the three Rs: retreat, react, remain.

Retreating (withdrawing, procrastinating, numbing), reacting (lashing out, impulsive emails, grabbing a drink), and remaining (staying frozen in bad jobs or relationships) are all avoidance strategies that lower short-term discomfort but carry a big long-term cost.

Use opposite action: approach what matters, in small, doable steps.

You don’t need to ‘just do it’ at full intensity; instead, take the next tolerable step toward the feared thing (e.g., drive toward work, stay one extra minute in the room, build a ladder toward skydiving) to teach your brain there is no “lion.”

Don’t try to force positive thinking; reframe repeatedly while acting.

You won’t believe new, more balanced thoughts at first, but by questioning catastrophic beliefs (e.g., calculating real odds of failure) and pairing new thoughts with approach behavior, you gradually rewire your brain.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

The problem is really not anxiety. It’s what we do when we are anxious, and what we do is we avoid.

— Dr. Luana Marques

Avoidance is robbing us from our best life. It’s keeping us prisoners of our own thinking and our own behavior.

— Dr. Luana Marques

If what we do is walk away from the things that are meaningful… then we are robbing ourselves from our best lives.

— Dr. Luana Marques

We can’t get rid of anxiety. What we can get rid of is avoidance.

— Dr. Luana Marques

If you’re not being your best self, it’s because you’re avoiding.

— Dr. Luana Marques

Avoidance as the real problem behind anxiety and feeling stuckDr. Luana Marques’s personal story and grandmother’s role in exposure and mindsetFoundations of CBT: the thoughts–emotions–behaviors cycle and creating a pauseThe three Rs of avoidance: retreat, react, remain (freeze)Exposure and approach behaviors (including interoceptive exposure for physical symptoms)Parenting and how well‑meaning protection can worsen kids’ anxietyValues-driven living: SHIFT, APPROACH, ALIGN and building a “comfortably uncomfortable” life

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