How to Create a New Version of Yourself: Let Go of Past Mistakes & Regret with Sarah Jakes Roberts

1. 0:00 – 5:15

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      I feel this energy.

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:02

      Mm.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:02

      (instrumental music plays) And this truth that comes through you. Like, it just gets me so choked up to be in the presence of somebody that has such a gift.

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:11

      Mm.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:14

      I'm curious to hear your thoughts on what you believe most of us need to hear and be reminded of.

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:23

      Most people underestimate how necessary their existence is in the world and as a result, assume a posture of resignation that leaves the world less than what it could be.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:39

      Mm.

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:40

      Our lives are not random. They are not coincidences. We were all given these lives to make the world better and I feel like most people underestimate how necessary they are and as a result, they don't take their healing seriously, they don't take their thought seriously. But if we truly ever tapped into the high value of our breath, it would change what we speak, it would change what we think, it would change how we show up in the world, and it would quite literally make the world a better place.

   9. MRMel Robbins1:15

      Oh. Sarah Jakes Roberts just gave you a gift. (clock ticking) (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel. There are gonna be times in your life when you wake up and wonder, "Have I messed it all up?" Periods in your life, you know, that just suck, where you've made a major mistake, you feel a lot of regret. Maybe you're still there mentally right now or maybe someone that you love is going through a really low period in their life. When you're struggling, it begs the question, can you really overcome any failure or any pain or regret or mistake that you've made in your life? And if I were to tell you that there's absolutely no mistake that will keep you from becoming who you're truly meant to be, would you actually believe me? Well, after today, you will because you're about to meet a remarkably inspiring person who has been knocked down over and over and over again and she knows the secret to getting back up, to finding your power even when you feel powerless. When you were little, you once thought anything was possible. This episode today will remind you it still is because there is nothing that you've done that will stand in the way of who you want to become. So if you're tired of regrets holding you back and if you're sick of beating yourself up over the mistakes that you've made, today you're gonna learn how to pick yourself back up and take that big old pile of leftovers from life and turn it into a five-star meal. You know, I always say no one's coming, but today someone special is here, the one and only Sarah Jakes Roberts. I am so excited to get to spend some time with you.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:17

       Thank you. I'm looking forward to it.

   11. MRMel Robbins3:19

       So, I would love to have you start by talking directly to the person who's listening and share with them what they can expect to experience and learn from you today. Like, how might their life change if they take everything that you're about to share to heart?

   12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:42

       Mm. I would say today you are going to learn to rest in the truth of who you are, not just your hopes and dreams, the achievements and shiny things, but the things that have been hard and challenging. Today you're gonna find a way to rest in that, embrace it, accept it, and then allow it to propel you into a big beautiful future.

   13. MRMel Robbins4:07

       Oh.

   14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:08

       Yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins4:09

       I'm ready.

   16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:10

       Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins4:10

       Yeah. I- I- I would like that.

   18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:12

       Let's go. Let's do it. (laughs)

   19. MRMel Robbins4:13

       Let's go. And in order to go forward, I think oftentimes in life you gotta look back.

   20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:18

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins4:18

       And one of the things that I love the most about you, there's so many things that I love about you, but I love that whenever I watch you online or I tune into a sermon or I read something that you've written, I feel as though I have somebody walking by my side-

   22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:36

       Mm.

   23. MRMel Robbins4:37

       ... not somebody speaking down from above.

   24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts4:40

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins4:40

       And you have a story in terms of your past that I think a lot of people don't realize. And I would love for us to go back in time before we start talking about the wisdom that you have to share because there is so much that you've learned from those periods in your life. And so can you take us back to this moment in time? You are the daughter of a well-known megachurch pastor and something happens in your personal life.

   26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts5:14

       Yes.

2. 5:15 – 9:28

   Sarah Jakes Roberts shares how teen pregnancy impacted her self-worth.

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts5:15

      I got pregnant at 13 years old. I had my son at 14 years old, which I think is a staggering sentence no matter whose child you are. But the added complexity of my father being a prominent leader in faith I think further intensified the sense of shame, the sense of guilt that I had to wade through for about ten years. And I think also that was heightened by this fact that, like, though I have this family that is huge in the faith world, I never really felt like, like one of the good girls, one of the God girls, one of the church girls. And so in many ways it felt like this pregnancy just confirmed a preexisting insecurity that for some reason I didn't fit. And so my pregnancy is when I accepted, like, "Okay, this is not for me. I'm gonna figure life out on my own and I'm gonna let all the good church people do what good church people do and I'm just gonna figure everything else out."

   2. MRMel Robbins6:12

      Well, God had different plans, I think.

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:13

      He did. (laughs)

   4. MRMel Robbins6:15

      (laughs) Um, you know, when I think about the age 13-

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:20

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins6:21

      ... and 14, how did you even process something like that as such a young girl?

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:27

      I didn't. I thought the worst thing that was gonna happen was, like, I'm gonna get in trouble. Like, I'm gonna be grounded. Like, uh, we didn't even have cell phones at the time. Like, oh my gosh, they're gonna take the antenna out of the TV and take the phone cord out of the wall. Like, this is gonna be punishment. It wasn't until I saw their reaction that I began to realize that this is bigger than just you're in trouble. This is a life-altering experience that has created grief in our family, and I think that seeing their grief, seeing them struggle with what it means to have a child that's having a child made me realize that whatever just took place here has changed my life forever.

   8. MRMel Robbins7:10

      And it's interesting that you, in reflecting back, can say, "My immediate reaction was one of going, 'Oh, well, there are those kinda people over there that are the godly church people, I'm always gonna be over here.'"

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:26

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins7:27

       What was that journey like over those 10 years where you were wrestling-

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:34

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins7:34

       ... with that natural instinct that we all have that we separate? We don't see ourselves as connected to other people. We push back against the love that's coming at us or the support that's coming at us. How did you even move through that?

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:49

       Mm. Well, I think I... So, I started off comparison, so I'm not like them, so let me figure out who I am like.

   14. MRMel Robbins7:56

       Mm.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:56

       And so I would say, "You know what? I kinda feel like I'm close to this kinda girl, so I'll be that kinda girl." And then I got with those kinda girls and like, "I don't exactly fit here, so let me go here." And I thought, maybe achievement, maybe success, maybe relationships, I can be like whoever this other girl is supposed to be, and then I will try and find myself. And I think as long as I was trying to be like some other version of someone, that I never had an opportunity to figure out who I was. And so for 10 years, I was trying on, like Cinderella trying on different shoes. Like, I was just trying on shoe after shoe after shoe until I said, "You know what? I'm gonna be barefoot." (laughs)

   16. MRMel Robbins8:32

       (laughs)

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:32

       Who needs shoes, you know? I'm a country girl from West Virginia. I'm gonna be barefoot. I'm gonna stand flat-footed in the truth of who I am. I'm gonna stand flat-footed in this. Maybe it is isolation, maybe it is loneliness, maybe I don't fit anywhere, maybe I just fit within myself. And from that space, I said, "You know what? I've tried literally everything. I have waitress at a strip club, I've tried these toxic relationships, I've gone to school, I worked for the government, I tried everything." I said, "You know what? I'm gonna try faith. I'm gonna try and figure out if this God who they talk about who loves you no matter what, like, I'm gonna see if maybe possibly it works for someone like me." And I think from there, this really intimate relationship with God allowed me to encounter healing and love and restoration, and I thought that it would just be between me and God, that it would make no sense to anyone else-

   18. MRMel Robbins9:24

       Mm.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:24

       ... but it finally made sense to me.

   20. MRMel Robbins9:27

       You said something

3. 9:28 – 13:25

   This is how YOU can move on and learn to accept and love yourself.

   1. MRMel Robbins9:28

      that struck me, that maybe I could just fit within myself.

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:33

      Yeah. Mm.

   3. MRMel Robbins9:34

      What does that mean?

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:36

      Maybe I can just embrace myself. Instead of seeking a sense of belonging, a sense of okayness from other people, if I could find a way to be okay with myself, then I can wrap my arms around who I am. And for me, I had to sit with myself until I no longer cringed. I had to sit with myself until I no longer felt shame. I had to sit with myself until I could experience compassion where I once felt guilt. And from that place of compassion, I learned to, to love who I am and like, yes, this is my story, and no, it may not be perfect, but I'm gonna stick beside me.

   5. MRMel Robbins10:21

      Every single one of us has stuff that we've done in the past, things that we have done to ourselves or other people, mistakes that we think that we've made. How do you begin the process of sitting with yourself? How do you learn how to forgive yourself?

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts10:42

      Mm. It starts with intention. I sat with myself... I will say, those 10 years, I was sitting with myself, but I was sitting, sitting with myself punishing myself. How could you be so stupid? You made the biggest mistake. No one's ever gonna want you. Sometimes, we are sitting with ourselves, but how we are sitting with ourselves is why we can't heal. You can't want to heal and punish yourself at the same time. To repeat the words that other people have spoken over you that were negative, having it replay in your mind over and over again while you sit with yourself will never bring you to a place of healing. Sitting with yourself with the pursuit of compassion, with the pursuit of love and acceptance, that is when we start sitting with ourself and experience some discomfort and some, you know, dysregulation, because sitting with myself and trying to be compassionate requires me to stretch to love myself in a way that I don't think is possible. And as long as you don't think it's possible to sit with yourself and love yourself, every facet of who you are, it doesn't matter who you love, it doesn't matter what you achieve, until you can really sit with yourself, none of those things are gonna make you feel better either. But it is the greatest, absolute greatest gift that you can give yourself, to allow love to flood the place where you once felt an emptiness.

   7. MRMel Robbins12:05

      I just wanna make sure that as you're taking your walk or you're washing your dishes or you are driving in your car, that you caught-... the actual magic that just came through the speakers-

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts12:21

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins12:21

      ... or the headphones. I have never heard anybody say something as profound as you just said. You cannot heal while you are still punishing yourself.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts12:35

       Oh, yeah. And we don't do ourselves any favors by committing to punishing ourselves over and over again for what we did, for what we allowed to happen. This is what we say, though. We say to ourselves, "I'm going to keep this from happening again by constantly living with it right in front of me. And if I can live with it right in front of me, if I can beat myself up, if I can punish myself, then I will keep this from happening again. I will prepare myself for further rejection from other people if I constantly remember how unworthy I am, how little value I possess." And so in many ways, we think, "This is me protecting myself by constantly keeping it in front of my face."

4. 13:25 – 19:46

   Use these 2 words to own who you are and become who you want to be.

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:25

      But if we're honest, we do long for an existence where we want to believe that I am not just this one moment, but we will never be more than that one moment if we constantly replay that moment in our head. And so to invite into our atmosphere what other moments do I want to have, what other things do I want to define me... I spent so long not wanting to be defined as a teen mom instead of saying, "I will be defined as being a teen mom, but also, I'm going to be an incredible person, but also, I'm going to love myself, but also, I'm going to dream and I'm going to be an author and a teen mom." I'm not trying to disconnect from who I was. I'm trying to bring all of who I am into the fullness of where I am.

   2. MRMel Robbins14:11

      Uh, Sarah Jakes Roberts just gave you a gift, but also-

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:17

      Yeah.

   4. MRMel Robbins14:17

      But also.

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:18

      But also, I'm this and that. I'm, like, I am all of these things and I thought that because I was this one thing, I had no permission to be anything else. So yeah, the truth is, yeah, I'm a teen mom, yes, I've gone through divorce. I've got a laundry list of things that I never wanted to be that I've had to step boldly in, and in addition to that, I'm on the Mel Robbins podcast. (laughs)

   6. MRMel Robbins14:42

      (laughs) And in addition to that-

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:43

      You know what I mean?

   8. MRMel Robbins14:44

      ... millions of people tune into you every single week for cryala.

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:47

      That ha- All of those things are true. All of these things are true, and I don't want to be all of my achievements. Gosh, can you imagine what that would be? The pressure and the arrogance connected to that? I want to be this beautiful mixture, this beautiful tapestry of a girl on a journey and a woman owning her power, and I can live in all of that. (laughs) I can do all of that.

   10. MRMel Robbins15:11

       A girl on her journey and a woman owning her power?

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts15:14

       And a woman owning her power, period. (laughs)

   12. MRMel Robbins15:14

       Somebody needs to write a song. Holy cow.

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts15:18

       Yeah.

   14. MRMel Robbins15:19

       D- D- Do you, when you're speaking, have this experience of just things flowing through you? Like, I've, I don't even feel like it's a conversation.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts15:32

       Mm.

   16. MRMel Robbins15:33

       I feel this energy-

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts15:35

       Mm.

   18. MRMel Robbins15:35

       ... and this truth that comes through you. Like, it just gets me so choked up to be in the presence of somebody that has such a gift.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts15:44

       Mm. Aw. It's, um, I believe that I'm anointed for this. I believe that anything that I've done in the Earth is not a reflection of my skills or my talents or something you pick up in a book. This is a full submission to my belief that I am made in the image of God and that I have this incredible opportunity to reflect God's glory everywhere I go, and if I can get past my nerves, if I can-

   20. MRMel Robbins16:17

       (laughs)

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:17

       ... get past my insecurity, if I can get past my second guessing and rest in that truth, there is a flow that just happens. And it doesn't just happen, like, in this. Like, I'm in this flow when I'm raising my children.

   22. MRMel Robbins16:31

       Mm.

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:31

       They're opening up to me and I'm like, "God, you know, don't let me be worried." (laughs)

   24. MRMel Robbins16:37

       (laughs)

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:37

       "Don't let me overreact." (laughs) You know what I mean? "Let me reflect your glory in their vulnerability. Let me reflect your glory when I go into this meeting." I, I really do want to be a light in this world, and after experiencing as much darkness as I have gone through, to offer just a flicker to another person... Like, maybe I can't be this big brilliant light for everyone, but if today, in this moment, you're listening and I get to be a flicker on your journey, just know that there are other flames connected that are going to build this inferno of who-

   26. MRMel Robbins17:13

       Mm.

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:13

       ... you're gonna be, but we gotta gather every flicker, right?

   28. MRMel Robbins17:17

       Yeah.

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:17

       And I think that's the part of life that many of us miss, is that we're waiting for these big moments that are gonna shine a huge light on us, and when I have that huge light, then I'm gonna feel better, I'm gonna be confident, I'm gonna be powerful, but I am beginning to believe that it's all about us gathering those little moments, those little, like, Christmas light-sized moments-

   30. MRMel Robbins17:38

       Yeah.
5. 19:46 – 24:04

   If you’re someone who is seeking purpose, you NEED to hear this.

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts19:46

   2. MRMel Robbins19:46

      I get struck by the number of people that write in every single day that are seeking purpose.

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts19:53

      Yeah. Yeah.

   4. MRMel Robbins19:54

      And I think to myself, "Well, your purpose is to heal, and to share yourself, and to make yourself better, and then make everybody that comes in contact with you feel a little better-"

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:07

      Yeah. Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins20:07

      "... to spread the light that you're talking about." But it starts with you.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:10

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins20:11

      You said something that just, holy cow, I'd never heard this. It's this concept of discounting yourself-

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:20

      Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins20:20

       ... to the lowest bidder?

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:21

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins20:22

       Can you explain that?

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:23

       Yeah. So when I look at the 10 years of my life where I struggle-

   14. MRMel Robbins20:28

       Yeah.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:28

       First of all, I grew up in church-

   16. MRMel Robbins20:30

       Yep.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:31

       ... during the height of purity culture. Okay? So the highest prize was to be this, like, untouched virgin when you get married. They didn't care if you went to school. They didn't care. Like, "Girl, just don't give it up," over and over again. (laughs)

   18. MRMel Robbins20:44

       Yeah.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts20:44

       Just like, "Girl, don't do it." Okay? Well, I did it. I was like, "Okay."

6. 24:04 – 33:46

   This is how you can create your dream life with your “leftovers.”

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:28

      So, I thought that the only way I could recover from my pregnancy was to create a new life, a new existence. And so my goal was to do something completely new. I'm going to be an accountant. I'm going to be a CFO. I am going to put something on top of this teen pregnancy-

   2. MRMel Robbins24:47

      (laughs)

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:49

      (laughs)

   4. NANarrator24:49

      (laughs)

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:49

      ... that's going to make things better. And I think that the reason why... I know that the reason why I failed over and over again in trying to create something new is that I wasn't using what I had left over. Instead of saying, "Okay, this is, this is what's in my cabinet. I'm a teen mom. I'm a smart girl. I have a writing gift," I kept trying to reinvent who I was.

   6. MRMel Robbins25:12

      Oh.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts25:13

      And you can't reinvent who you are using ingredients that don't exist. (laughs) You got to use all of the ingredients. So yes, I have all of these gifts and talents, but I also have a child. I'm still struggling with, you know, my insecurities. I've gone through this divorce. I have to take all of this in order to create something that is really going to be authentic to who I am, because what I don't want to do is reinvent a version of myself that requires me to pretend that I'm not who I was. This is who I am. You know? Like, this is my truth. And when you fight to really accept the truth of who you are, you don't allow it to be snatched easily out of your hands. And because it's not snatched easily out of your hands, whatever you build with those things aren't snatched either. When I started blogging, because this is how all of this became a thing where I had, like, a following, I started-

   8. MRMel Robbins26:13

      Got it. So, so just to put it in a timeline-

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:16

      Yes.

   10. MRMel Robbins26:16

       ... are you, like, in your early 20s at this point?

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:18

       I'm in my early 20s.

   12. MRMel Robbins26:19

       Okay, so you open up the cupboard. And I love that visual, because I think most of us when we say, "Let's just look at what you got-"

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:26

       Yeah. Right.

   14. MRMel Robbins26:26

       ... "let's just take the raw ingredients. Let's take all..." Like, for me, it's, like, being molested.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:32

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins26:32

       It's all the cheating that I did.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:34

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins26:34

       It's the anxiety that-

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:36

       Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins26:36

       ... I struggled with. It's the what a bitch I used to be.

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:39

       Yeah.

   22. MRMel Robbins26:39

       It is all of... Like, just all of it.

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:42

       It's all here.

   24. MRMel Robbins26:42

       I open... I... You know, Sara, when I open up that cupboard, I'm like, "Whoa!"

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:46

       (laughs) You know what?

   26. MRMel Robbins26:46

       Oh, my God, no!

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:47

       I'll just go, I'll just go grocery shopping. (laughs)

   28. MRMel Robbins26:50

       No, I'm not going shopping. I'm not going grocery shopping. I'm not cooking this stuff. No, no, no.

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts26:52

       I'll order in. I'll Doordash. Yeah.

   30. MRMel Robbins26:53

       Yeah, exactly. No, no, no, no.
7. 33:46 – 42:38

   The importance of sitting with your cringe-worthy moments.

   1. MRMel Robbins33:46

      from it, do you have any tools or advice for how to sit through the cringe and what is actually coming when you allow all of that grief and that judgment to rise up inside you?

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts34:05

      I love that you use the word grief. I'm an analogy girl, if you haven't. (laughs)

   3. MRMel Robbins34:09

      Oh God, I love that. Bring it.

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts34:11

      Okay, so here we go. So I think that part of the reason why we feel regret when we look at those moments in our lives that make us cringe is because we are constantly turning on a movie right in the middle and looking at one particular scene of our life over and over again and judging our life based on that scene. If you are in a moment right now where you're flirting with the idea of learning to sit with yourself and experience compassion for what you've gone through, I would dare you to look at your whole movie in totality. When I had thought about the idea of me getting pregnant at 13, I would, I would cringe like, "Girl," like, "How could you?" Over and over again. Now when I think about it, I feel sorry for who I was at 13. Not sorry like because of who I am, but I feel compassion. I feel her lostness, I feel her isolation, I feel her loneliness, I feel her anger. I understand why I made that choice. I know what I was looking for, I know what I didn't have because I sat with myself. And when you're in a family... Like my parents had... their lives exploded overnight. People talk about like mega churches, mega pastors, like no one sets out for it to be mega. People keep coming and it's like- (laughs)

   5. MRMel Robbins35:35

      (laughs)

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:36

      ... "I guess we need a bigger building." You know what I mean? And so you make these big buildings and, you know, "I guess we're supposed to do stuff in the communities n-" Like, you respond to the need.

   7. MRMel Robbins35:46

      Mm.

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:46

      And while they were so busy dealing with whatever it meant to be thrust into the spotlight, they thought we were okay. They really did. They thought we were okay, but we were lost in a sea of people. And overnight our lives went from having this family church where we knew everyone to all of a sudden people sending death threats and, "We need security." And we weren't okay. No one was helping us process what was happening. They couldn't process it.

   9. MRMel Robbins36:13

      Right.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:14

       And so I was lonely. I was angry. I didn't fit. So when I think about who I was when I got pregnant, if I just look at me rubbing my belly at 13, I could say, "Ugh, so cringy," or I could say, "Man, that girl was really heartbroken. That girl really needed someone who could see her. That girl really needed someone who would tell her where she fit in this world or to take her out of that world and to help dive into her own world." I didn't have those things. And as a result of that, I tried to self-sooth and I made some choices that I wish I could have done differently, mainly for the sake of my son not having to grow up with me at the same time I was growing up.

   11. MRMel Robbins36:54

       Yeah.

   12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:55

       But I don't feel bad about that anymore, because I see the whole movie. And so if you're watching this or listening to it, I want you to know that you do not have to look at your life a- at one scene at a time, that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to look at it from the opening credits to where you are now, and understand that anyone who had what you had in the cabinet would've probably made the same choice. They would've likely ended up addicted too. Maybe they would've been heartbroken as well. Maybe they would've been promi- whatever your thing is that makes you cringe. If you look at the whole movie, given what you had to work with, I want you to know that you did the best that you could.

   13. MRMel Robbins37:40

       I love that you are reminding us to go back to the beginning.

   14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts37:48

       Yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins37:50

       Because we not only freeze the frame-

   16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts37:52

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins37:53

       ... and we cut us off from the rest of the story-

   18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts37:58

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins37:59

       ... but we also freeze the frame and we don't even consider the plot line-

   20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:06

       Oh, yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins38:06

       ... that led up to this.

   22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:07

       Yeah.

   23. MRMel Robbins38:08

       And so we judge it from a frozen moment in time when you do have the full story.

   24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:15

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins38:16

       And as I listen to you over and over and over again and just really to each word, the thing that keeps coming up for me is this ability to look at the whole movie of your life.

   26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:36

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins38:37

       The fact that it's so easy to forget, isn't it, that this is also your parents' first time being-

   28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:41

       Oh.

   29. MRMel Robbins38:41

       ... human beings.

   30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts38:42

       Yeah, yeah.
8. 42:38 – 51:57

   Why you need to reflect through the eyes of who you once were.

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts42:38

      the 13-year-old girl who experienced shame, rejection, and loneliness, like take in where life is now.

   2. MRMel Robbins42:45

      Oh.Oh.

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts42:47

      Yeah. The grown woman version of me grabbing this little girl's hand and saying, "Look, girl, like, look, you made it. Your son's 21 now and he loves you and he's an incredible human. And, oh my gosh, this man that you married, like, look at w- how he talks about you and..."

   4. MRMel Robbins43:06

      (laughs)

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts43:06

      You know? And my children and my life and, like, "Look what they're saying about you." Because she heard, she heard, "You're nasty." She heard, "You're a slut." She heard, "You're..." Like, she heard all of those things. And if I'm not careful, I won't allow her to hear what people are saying now.

   6. MRMel Robbins43:23

      Mm.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts43:24

      Um, I won't allow her to experience the affirmation of God that exists in her life now. And sometimes I'm so busy doing and checking the boxes and going through the calendar that I don't let her in for, like, this listening session where, like, "Look at this world."

   8. MRMel Robbins43:41

      I think no matter where you are in your movie, the scene that you're in is still worthy of reaching backward and taking a younger version of yourself and just taking a moment and going, "We made it this far."

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts43:56

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins43:57

       Like, "Look at all this."

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts43:58

       Yeah. Oh my gosh, because this thing, this adulting thing, they keep moving the marker. (laughs)

   12. MRMel Robbins44:05

       (laughs)

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:05

       They just keep moving it. It's like, "Chile, I just got here." (laughs)

   14. MRMel Robbins44:09

       (laughs)

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:09

       "And now you're telling me that here doesn't exist. It's actually there. And then I get there and that's not here either," you know? Um, but where I am now was a place that I once wanted to be. And I think reconciliation is being able to say, like, "Look at where we are now." Like, okay, you have all these things you wanna do and all these plans, all that stuff. Like, okay, maybe we get there, maybe we don't, but right now, if we didn't get any further than this... Man, if I did not get any further than this... It feels greedy for me when people are like, "What are you gonna do next? What's next? What's next? What are you gonna do?" That feels like greed 'cause I am in the overflow right now. If I never write another book, if this is the last podcast I record and I disappear from people's brains and minds, what God has done in my life up until this point was not something I could have ever asked for. I didn't even know this was possible. I did not know that God saw this for me. Oh, can I tell you a story?

   16. MRMel Robbins45:11

       You can, you can. I am in a trance.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:13

       (laughs)

   18. MRMel Robbins45:13

       You can tell me whatever the heck you wanna tell me.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:16

       It just gives me chills. I love it. Um, but when I first got pregnant-

   20. MRMel Robbins45:20

       Yeah.

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:21

       ... someone very close to me looked at me and said, "I always knew to expect something like this from you." And that made me question so much. Now, I'm 13, with a 13-year-old mind. And it just made me feel like there's really something wrong with you. The church stuff didn't make sense and now someone's saying they knew to expect this from you. And I ate that for breakfast, like, for 10 years. Like, "There's something wrong with you." The, the dirty, the nasty, the all of that. Like, I just ate that, I believed it. And when my life started changing, I think... I probably did experience imposter syndrome, which, it was weird 'cause I told people who I was, but they were still there and so now I'm just questioning myself. And I was at church and I was just kind of, like, praying and worshiping and I was about to go on tour. And, you know Mel, I just be doing stuff. I'm just like, "Let's see what'll happen if we do a tour." And then the tour sells out, I'm like, "Oh Lord." (laughs)

   22. MRMel Robbins46:23

       (laughs)

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts46:24

       I'm usually prepared for things to fail, not for things to succeed. I'm like, "Oh, they coming to tour," and I'm praying and I really just felt, like, the presence of God saying, "I always knew to expect something like this from you."

   24. MRMel Robbins46:38

       Oh.

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts46:39

       And sometimes I'm standing in moments and I start to feel doubt and I start to feel worry and I start to wonder if I have what it takes to stand up in the moment and I feel God say, "I always knew to expect something like this from you." And trusting what God knows, what God knew, what God saw, even when I didn't see it myself. There's... Nothing else could be added to this. And I will not allow other people's idea of who I could be to rob me of the assurance I have received from what God's a- always known about me. Like, I can't let you keep moving the marker 'cause I, I already know. Like, I won already. I won.

   26. MRMel Robbins47:30

       How would you frame the way that you're talking about your relationship with God-

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts47:34

       Okay.

   28. MRMel Robbins47:35

       ... to a person that's listening-

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts47:37

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins47:37

       ... that either has lost their faith or doesn't believe in God? Like, how do they kinda tap into what you're saying-
9. 51:57 – 58:19

   If you’ve ever felt hostage in your own life, reflect using this framework.

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts51:57

      you are who you used to be. Like, they have a reason to expect this from you. And maybe, maybe they can still expect it. Maybe you can take an nap and they can still expect it, but maybe you have to change the expectation. And this, I feel, is why we end up robbed of power in our world, is that we set a precedent, we set an expectation, whether it's from our people pleasing or whether it's from something that was authentic for us years ago, and now I can no longer live up to that standard. And so I feel like I'm being held hostage in my life.

   2. MRMel Robbins52:26

      Yes, and I think you know that this is true in any moment where you start resenting-

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:31

      For sure.

   4. MRMel Robbins52:32

      ... people that you care about-

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:33

      Yeah.

   6. MRMel Robbins52:34

      ... or something that you used to love.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:36

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins52:36

      And this framework is so helpful because I always say it's like, "Okay, the process is broken," or, "This has happened," but I realize that there are ways in which I've behaved in the past-

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:48

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins52:48

       ... that just don't work.

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:49

       They just don't work.

   12. MRMel Robbins52:50

       And I was laughing to myself when you s- were kind of talking about how they keep moving the- the mark for adulthood.

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts52:56

       Yeah. Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins52:57

       And I- I'm thinking about the fact that our youngest of three just graduated from high school and everyone's like, "Oh, how do you feel about being an empty nester?" I'm like, "You mean the birds leaving the nest?" As- as far as I'm aware, they haven't l- like, they fly back.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:10

       They- they still here. (laughs)

   16. MRMel Robbins53:10

       They call more.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:11

       Yeah.

   18. MRMel Robbins53:11

       The problems are just more expensive.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:13

       It's still here. Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins53:13

       And, you know, they're still here.

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:14

       The problems are more expensive, yeah.

   22. MRMel Robbins53:16

       Like, it's- nobody's leaving anyway.

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:17

       Yeah. (laughs)

   24. MRMel Robbins53:19

       (laughs) It's just-

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:19

       Yes. But when I was growing up, it's like, oh my gosh, you turn 18, and now... You know what I mean? 18, 18, 18. But honey, we hit 18, and it's just not... it's not giving what it was supposed to give.

   26. MRMel Robbins53:30

       Yeah.

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:31

       Yeah.

   28. MRMel Robbins53:31

       Well, we gotta change the precedent-

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:34

       Yeah, we do.

   30. MRMel Robbins53:34

       ... in terms of how we're gonna be-
10. 58:19 – 1:05:21

    The most powerful thing you can do to create space for growth.

    1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts58:19

       it." I think that we have to create openings for who we are becoming.

    2. MRMel Robbins58:22

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts58:23

       And sometimes that's with our language. Sometimes that's with us having communication with other people, but I think the most powerful thing you can do is to back it up, to start putting a down payment on who you are becoming by using your words, using your language, to create space for that person to be, uh, rooted in your life.

    4. MRMel Robbins58:42

       It makes so much sense. It's, again, another tactical example of what it means to spread the light.

    5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts58:50

       Yeah. Yeah.

    6. MRMel Robbins58:51

       Because you're now giving yourself not only permission-

    7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts58:54

       Yeah.

    8. MRMel Robbins58:54

       ... but you're giving voice to the scenes in the movie-

    9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts58:59

       Yeah.

    10. MRMel Robbins59:00

        ... that you are now directing-

    11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:02

        Yeah. Yeah.

    12. MRMel Robbins59:02

        ... that are gonna come.

    13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:03

        Yeah. Let it live outside of you.

    14. MRMel Robbins59:05

        Let it live outside of you. I love that-

    15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:07

        Like-

    16. MRMel Robbins59:07

        ... because we, we, we... Oh, my God.

    17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:09

        Yes. (laughs)

    18. MRMel Robbins59:10

        Oh, my God.

    19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:11

        Let it live outside of you. If you let me talk, I'll get it. I'll get it. (laughs)

    20. MRMel Robbins59:15

        Go, go. Oh, my God.

    21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:16

        No.

    22. MRMel Robbins59:16

        I guess, yes.

    23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:17

        Let it live out... Because, okay, you listened to the podcast. You read the books and it's all living inside of you. You got the tools. You got the, you got the inspiration. You've gotta let this live outside of you. Part of the reason that you have to let it live outside of you is that when it lives outside of you, it empties you out and makes room for more, but also, it creates space outside of you for who you are becoming. That's it. Let it live-

    24. MRMel Robbins59:40

        Oh-

    25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:40

        ... outside of you.

    26. MRMel Robbins59:40

        ... my God. I have to make sure that you got that, and I am gonna break this down-

    27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts59:48

        Yes.

    28. MRMel Robbins59:48

        ... so that you understand the importance of this because this is everything. All of that stuff that you stuffed down inside you, waiting for some day, waiting for permission, waiting to feel ready, waiting to get rid of the shame, waiting for inspiration, waiting for motivation. You just heard Sarah tell you, you have to open your mouth and let it live outside of you. And when you do that, oh, my God, you create space inside of you-

    29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:00:24

        Yeah.

    30. MRMel Robbins1:00:24

        ... for new amazing things to flow in and you also create expansion in space-
11. 1:05:21 – 1:10:29

    This is the TRUE meaning of “power” in your life.

    1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:05:21

    2. MRMel Robbins1:05:21

       You know, I think when you hear the word power, right?

    3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:05:24

       Yeah.

    4. MRMel Robbins1:05:25

       You tend to think of something that's unbreakable or in charge. What does power mean to you?

    5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:05:32

       Mm. Power is authenticity, resiliency, humility combined.

    6. MRMel Robbins1:05:42

       Mm.

    7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:05:43

       It is a combination. If there were like a nutritional fact that breaks down what power is, it is 100% authenticity, 100% resiliency, and 100% humility. And I think many times we think power is just about that resiliency side.

    8. MRMel Robbins1:06:03

       Mm.

    9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:06:03

       "And I get back up and I don't get knocked down and that's what makes me powerful." But humility is owning what we do wrong, it's learning our lessons, it's taking ownership of the way that our resiliency can have negative impacts on our friendships and family. Authenticity is recognizing that sometimes I am the beast that's on stage and I'm like tearing things up, and then there are other moments where I literally do need to go home. I need to be nurtured, I need to be cared for. We're a blended family with six kids, I do a lot of nurturing, and that is authentic to me. And then there are other moments where authenticity is I need someone to take care of me-

    10. MRMel Robbins1:06:40

        Yeah.

    11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:06:40

        ... and I have to use my words to be the strong friend. This cocktail of authenticity, humility, and resiliency is a flow of power. Power is not a destination. It is a flow in which all three of those things have come together for the confluence of who you are, and that confluence will take you anywhere. It works anywhere you place it.

    12. MRMel Robbins1:07:04

        I just got this image because, you know, when you h- see the word power or you think about it, you tend to think about authority.

    13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:12

        Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    14. MRMel Robbins1:07:13

        Right? But the way you described it-I actually started to think about it as energy.

    15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:19

        Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    16. MRMel Robbins1:07:20

        That it is all these things flowing through you.

    17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:23

        Yes.

    18. MRMel Robbins1:07:24

        So it's what's fueling-

    19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:25

        Yeah.

    20. MRMel Robbins1:07:26

        ... the way that you show up.

    21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:27

        Yeah. So the book is called Power Moves-

    22. MRMel Robbins1:07:29

        Uh-huh.

    23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:29

        And many times people hear... First of all, it's Power Moves: Ignite Your Confidence and Become a Force. There's not a more intimidating title anywhere-

    24. MRMel Robbins1:07:36

        Let's go.

    25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:36

        ... right? (laughs)

    26. MRMel Robbins1:07:37

        And now let's take a nap.

    27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:37

        Right. (laughs)

    28. MRMel Robbins1:07:38

        (laughs)

    29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:07:38

        And then go to bed. And I think my greatest, like, you know, lesson in sharing the message of the book is, like, power is not a doing, it is a being. And Power Moves is not like, "How do I make a power moves?" It is a realization that power is fluid, that power moves.

    30. MRMel Robbins1:07:59

        Mm.
12. 1:10:29 – 1:26:18

    How Sarah Jakes Roberts turned embarrassment into power.

    1. MRMel Robbins1:10:29

       what I got as you were telling the wig story-

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:31

       Yeah.

    3. MRMel Robbins1:10:32

       ... is that power was moving through you.

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:35

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins1:10:36

       So you took the authenticity, the resilience, and the humility.

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:39

       Yeah.

    7. MRMel Robbins1:10:40

       And you just let that flow through you.

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:41

       For sure. First of all, I had some-

    9. MRMel Robbins1:10:43

       So what happened?

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:44

        Oh, child. Okay, listen. (laughs)

    11. MRMel Robbins1:10:47

        (laughs) I gotta know now.

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:48

        Child, listen. Okay, so-

    13. MRMel Robbins1:10:49

        I'll tell you my most embarrassing story-

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:50

        Really?

    15. MRMel Robbins1:10:51

        ... up at stage, yeah, and then you tell me yours.

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:52

        Okay.

    17. MRMel Robbins1:10:52

        Well, I've got two kind of things.

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:54

        So first of all, we're gonna have a lesson in wigs, right?

    19. MRMel Robbins1:10:56

        Okay.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:56

        Okay? So not my hair, right? So-

    21. MRMel Robbins1:10:58

        Yep.

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:10:58

        ... not, it's not attached to anything, right? And so when it's on like this, it's fine, right? But when you start doing ponytails, there's a certain level of anchoring that you wanna have.

    23. MRMel Robbins1:11:07

        Yes.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:11:07

        You wanna sew it into some braids, you wanna glue it down real good. And she had sewed it on, but she didn't sew deep enough-

    25. MRMel Robbins1:11:14

        (gasps) .

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:11:14

        ... into the braids. It was just sewed onto the wig cap. So the weight-

    27. MRMel Robbins1:11:18

        Oh.

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:11:18

        ... of the ponytail-

    29. MRMel Robbins1:11:19

        Hold the wig cap. Oh... (laughs)

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:11:23

        And girl... (laughs) you know, I don't sit through an hour and a half of hair and makeup for my wig to come off. So you know, I'm sitting there and someone's like... You know, I... W- this is Black church, right? So we're talking to one another, they're clapping. Like you know, I've gone to some spaces, it's pretty quiet.

Episode duration: 1:26:18