The Mel Robbins PodcastHow to Create a New Version of Yourself: Let Go of Past Mistakes & Regret with Sarah Jakes Roberts
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 4:40
Your life isn’t random: why your existence is necessary
Sarah opens by reframing identity and purpose: most people underestimate how needed they are, and that resignation shrinks what the world could be. She argues that taking your life seriously starts with taking your breath, thoughts, and healing seriously.
- •People discount their own value and live resigned lives
- •Healing and self-worth are not optional if you want to impact others
- •Your life has intention; you’re here to make your corner of the world better
- •What you speak and think changes when you grasp your worth
- 4:40 – 7:27
The moment shame entered: teen pregnancy and the “I don’t belong” story
Sarah recounts getting pregnant at 13 and having her son at 14, and how her father’s public role intensified shame. The experience didn’t just feel like a mistake—it “confirmed” her belief that she wasn’t one of the “good girls,” triggering years of separation and self-rejection.
- •Teen pregnancy felt like public proof she didn’t fit in church culture
- •Family grief made the moment feel life-altering, not just ‘trouble’
- •Shame and guilt became a long-term internal narrative
- •Early belonging wounds shaped how she saw herself for a decade
- 7:27 – 9:27
A decade of trying on identities: comparison, achievement, and escape
Sarah describes spending 10 years searching for a version of herself that would feel acceptable—through friend groups, relationships, success, and reinvention. The turning point came when she stopped trying to fit anywhere else and chose to stand “flat-footed” in who she really was.
- •Comparison fuels identity swapping (“who am I like?”)
- •Achievement and relationships can become costumes, not healing
- •She tried extremes (jobs, toxic relationships, school) to outrun insecurity
- •Breakthrough: deciding to stop performing and be honest with herself
- 9:27 – 12:35
‘Sit with yourself’ the right way: compassion vs. self-punishment
Sarah distinguishes between sitting with yourself to heal and sitting with yourself to punish. Real healing begins with intention: you cannot punish yourself and heal at the same time, and compassion is the doorway to self-acceptance.
- •Many people ‘sit with themselves’ while replaying harsh inner criticism
- •Self-punishment masquerades as protection from future rejection
- •Compassion requires stretching into a new kind of self-love
- •Acceptance becomes the foundation for change and peace
- 12:35 – 20:23
The ‘But also’ mindset: integrating your past instead of deleting it
Sarah introduces a powerful identity reframe: you can be defined by hard truths and still be more than them. Rather than trying to disconnect from former selves, she advocates bringing all parts of you into the present—mess, gifts, wins, and pain—so nothing can be ‘snatched’ from you.
- •“But also” allows multiple truths to coexist (pain and possibility)
- •Integration beats reinvention; authenticity is harder to take away
- •Being only achievements creates pressure; being only mistakes creates shame
- •Owning your full story expands who you permit yourself to become
- 20:23 – 28:02
Stop grocery shopping for a new life: build with what’s in your ‘cupboard’
Sarah explains how she repeatedly failed by trying to create a completely new identity to cover teen pregnancy and other pain. Her metaphor: you can’t reinvent yourself with ingredients that don’t exist—open the cupboard, use what’s there, and create something authentic.
- •Purity culture shaped the belief that pregnancy ‘ruined’ her value
- •Reinvention attempts ignored real constraints and real gifts
- •“Cupboard ingredients” include trauma, responsibilities, talents, and history
- •Opening the cupboard returns power; hiding it gives the world leverage
- 28:02 – 33:17
Authenticity creates appetite: blogging, telling the truth, and finding community
Sarah shares how her blog began as private processing posted online, then unexpectedly attracted people hungry for honesty. The very facts she thought disqualified her became the bridge that helped others feel seen and less alone.
- •Writing was her processing tool; she posted without expecting impact
- •She tried to ‘slow the train’ by revealing disqualifying details
- •Audiences connected more to uncertainty and truth than polish
- •Community forms when you share both where you are and who you hope to be
- 33:17 – 42:02
Cringe and regret: watch the whole ‘movie,’ not one frozen scene
Sarah offers a tool for working through shame: stop replaying one scene and judging your entire life by it. When you view your story in totality—from opening credits to now—you can access grief, context, and compassion for the choices you made with what you had.
- •Regret intensifies when you loop one scene without context
- •Whole-story reflection reveals needs, loneliness, and lack of support
- •Compassion grows when you understand what you were trying to self-soothe
- •Reframe: given your ‘cabinet,’ many would have made similar choices
- 42:02 – 50:23
Let younger-you take in today: rest, reflection, and reconciliation
Sarah describes a grounding practice: resting enough to reconnect with herself, then inviting her 13-year-old self to witness how far they’ve come. This form of reconciliation reduces greed for ‘what’s next’ and cultivates gratitude for the overflow of the present.
- •Rest is essential—without it, irritation and poor choices rise
- •Reflection practice: “grown me” holds “young me” and shows her today
- •Reconciliation means noticing you’re living in what you once wanted
- •Gratitude counters the moving goalpost of adulthood and achievement
- 50:23 – 53:55
Feeling held hostage by your own life: changing precedents and expectations
The conversation shifts to resentment as a signal: you may be trapped by old expectations you created through people-pleasing or past capacity. Sarah outlines a practical framework—pause, rest, reassess what’s still true, then communicate changes so others can make room for who you are now.
- •Resentment often signals an outdated precedent you’re still enforcing
- •Overexertion shows up as disproportionate irritation toward normal asks
- •Framework: rest → reconcile → decide what changed → communicate it
- •Power returns when you renegotiate expectations with clarity
- 53:55 – 1:03:28
Create space with your words: ‘let it live outside of you’
Sarah’s most actionable advice is to speak the person you’re becoming into your environment. Language creates openings—internally and relationally—so others stop treating you as an old version and opportunities don’t get declined on your behalf.
- •Give your future self language; speaking it stretches your environment
- •Example: reclaiming opportunities by updating what others believe is true
- •“Down payment” on growth: words + small actions that back them up
- •Letting it outside creates space inside (relief) and outside (support)
- 1:03:28 – 1:05:21
Versions of you and the unfolding: you’re not finished becoming
Sarah explains identity as an unfolding of versions: the past self who made choices, the present self who knows more, and future selves waiting to be revealed. Transformation isn’t an overnight leap—it’s owning where you are and allowing more expression to emerge.
- •Cringe can be proof you’ve outgrown an old version
- •Future versions exist inside you even if you can’t predict them
- •Unfolding happens through ownership, expression, and gradual momentum
- •Transformation is an introduction process, not a sudden reinvention
- 1:05:21 – 1:09:43
Redefining power and confidence: power moves through authenticity, humility, and resilience
Sarah redefines power as a flowing energy made of three equal parts: authenticity, resiliency, and humility. Confidence, she adds, is stable self-knowledge—owning gifts and flaws without being overly moved by either success or failure.
- •Power is a ‘cocktail’ of authenticity + resiliency + humility
- •Power isn’t a destination or just ‘doing’; it’s a way of being
- •Confidence: knowing strengths and flaws and staying centered
- •Humility includes owning mistakes and noticing how resilience can harm others
- 1:09:43 – 1:23:53
Embarrassment into liberation: the wig story and the lesson of radical authenticity
Sarah tells the on-stage moment when her wig began slipping mid-sermon, so she removed it and kept preaching. What could’ve been ridicule became a collective permission slip for authenticity—reinforcing her message that the most honest version of you is powerful anywhere you go.
- •Crisis moment: wig wasn’t anchored; slipping became unavoidable
- •Choice: stay in the message rather than hide or flee
- •Audience impact: authenticity inspired liberation more than the prepared sermon
- •Personal takeaway: power flows into new seasons when you stop performing
- 1:23:53 – 1:26:18
Closing call: open the cabinet, dust off the dreams, and cook with everything you’ve lived
Sarah’s final instruction returns to the core metaphor: open the cabinet, inventory every ingredient, and trust it can all be used in the final edit of your story. She urges listeners to dust off neglected gifts and dreams and begin creating from what’s real.
- •Action step: open the cabinet and look at every ingredient of you
- •Trust your story’s ‘full edit’ will use even the hard parts
- •Dust off forgotten dreams, gifts, and memories to make them visible again
- •Parting note: humor + humanity—‘Secure your wig’—and keep going
