How to Deal With Betrayal and Take Your Power Back | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 3:35

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you, or stolen from you, or lied to you, or stabbed you behind your back? Well, today, you're gonna meet two people that this has happened to, and you're gonna learn what to do, and more importantly, how to get your power back, because you can get your power back. You're gonna learn today that you always have options, no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a tough love episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm Mel Robbins. Welcome. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation, and I wanna thank you, by the way, for not only just being here with me right now, but my team and I want to thank you because we have been blown away by the number of questions and the topics that you keep submitting at melrobbins.com. And I also am loving the video questions that you're DMing me on Instagram, and I'm excited to tell you, we have a brand new call-in number that you can call at any time and leave a question for me here on the show, and that number is going to always be in the show notes from now on. And today, I'm really excited to tell you that we have picked two listeners of the Mel Robbins Podcast to join me today, because they have written in and asked advice about a topic that I unfortunately know a lot about, and that topic is betrayal. What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you, or stolen from you, or lied to you, or stabbed you behind your back? Well, today, you're gonna meet two people that this has happened to, and you're gonna learn what to do, and more importantly, how to get your power back, because you can get your power back. You're gonna learn today that you always have options, no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. And I'm also gonna share stories of betrayal that have happened to me. And I want to thank both of our listeners for agreeing to be here today, and for allowing me to invite you into their private coaching session, because by sharing their challenges and you getting to hear the advice in real time, they're really doing the work for all of us to create a better life. So when you listen, listen with intention, because whether you're in this situation or not, you will get something amazing out of this. There will be an insight that strikes you right to your core. And this is also one of those episodes that I know you're gonna love having as a resource, because you can share it with friends and family when they experience betrayal and you just want to help them, because unfortunately, at some point, we all experience it. And that brings me to the very first question. It's from Sonia, and it's also where I am gonna talk about this experience that I had recently of a big betrayal. And you better buckle up, because this first coaching session, it takes an unexpected turn near the end, and it's a doozy. Sonia wrote in asking for advice after listening to the episode that we released a while ago called The Three Lessons I Learned During the Worst Year of My Life, and it's usually during the worst moments of your life that you get the biggest lessons.

2. 3:35 – 4:47

   I was betrayed by someone in my business and this is what I learned.

   1. MRMel Robbins3:35

      And so I share this story about how a year ago, at the beginning of 2022, I found out that somebody that I trusted was in my business stealing from me. They lied to me, to my face, over and over and over. They lied to team members over and over, and when I finally figured out what was going on, I realized they had been doing this for a long-ass time. This betrayal knocked me on my knees. I felt so stupid when I first discovered it. Then I felt hurt. Then I was furious, and it was painful. It was a painful lesson about trust, and it was also a painful lesson, but a lesson that I needed. I needed this lesson in order to be able to establish better boundaries and to level up as a businesswoman. Sonia heard me tell this story and she wanted more. She wanted to learn more, she had more questions to ask. She wanted to know, "Mel, how did you handle the person who betrayed you? What did you do?" Because she was dealing with a betrayal in her life too.

   2. SOSonia4:46

      Hi, Mel.

3. 4:47 – 7:17

   Sonia asks her question about a painful betrayal.

   1. SOSonia4:47

      I'm Sonia from New Zealand.

   2. MRMel Robbins4:48

      Hi.

   3. SOSonia4:49

      How did you deal with the betrayals from your friends? Did you confront them and make peace with them in the end, or can you move on without making peace in some way, um, and then as- you just fill your life with people who are much better humans?

   4. MRMel Robbins5:04

      Excellent question. So, um, in this particular instance, I did not confront the person, mainly because they had logins, uh, to a bunch of stuff related to our business, and I had to first, once I realized this was going on, get sort of the, the kind of realities of the digital, uh, business safe and secure. And so that took a couple weeks, and I didn't wanna send up any red flags that any, uh, issue was going on while we did that, but then I made this decision. I thought, "Why would I confront this person?" And what I realized in this particular instance is that I had already poured so much energy into the situation, that confronting the person or having a conversation, you know, that gotcha moment, "I figured it out. I know what you did."So, it wasn't actually worth it. It was going to cause so much more stress and negative energy in my life to look backwards that I chose not to say anything, to protect my business, to learn the lesson, and move on. And here's what I have to say, I wouldn't necessarily do the same thing in a different situation. I mean, the person that stole all this money from me and damaged my business, they were in a different country. So, even though I could have hired legal counsel, and I could have gone after this person, when I thought about the time, the energy, the just emotional cost of doing that, it was too expensive to pursue it. Sometimes your peace of mind is worth way more than the money that you would get by confronting something, and that's what I determined for myself. But here's the thing, there's a lot of cases for you personally and for me where the right thing to do is to confront somebody, and there have been situations that I've been in in the past where I did get a lawyer involved. So, what you need to do personally, and this is what I would recommend,

4. 7:17 – 9:10

   Should you confront this person? Ask yourself this first.

   1. MRMel Robbins7:17

      is if you experience betrayal, whether it is from a friend or a spouse or a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or it is somebody in your business, you got to ask yourself, okay, what's my goal here? My number one goal is protect my business, protect my peace, learn this lesson. What's in it for me? Am I trying to fix the person? Am I trying to make them wrong? Am I trying to repair the situation? Am I looking for a gotcha moment? Do I deserve to make this wrong or right? Do I need to go after them legally? And then you got to ask yourself, well, what do I need to say for closure? And should I do this because it's going to make me feel confident? And there may be a time in your life where you have to hear yourself say out loud to the person that betrayed you, "I know what you did and I will not have you in my life because I will not surround myself with people who do this kind of thing. And I forgive you, but you're not welcome back in my life as a friend, as a partner." You can just shut the door after that conversation. You can forgive somebody. You can call them out and you don't have to let them back in. You don't have to give them a second chance. And so it comes down to what you want out of this. And if your goal is to stay in the relationship, to use this betrayal as the door that needed to get kicked open in order for you to face stuff that's not working, if you do decide to stay in the friendship or the relationship, you have to have a conversation. You have to explain that you know what they did and that you know what they're doing is wrong and how their behavior is impacting you. And if you don't know how to start that conversation,

5. 9:10 – 12:34

   Here’s how to have a conversation with someone who betrayed you.

   1. MRMel Robbins9:10

      let me give you another tip. "I need to apologize for something," which always kind of makes people feel a little like, oh, what, you did something wrong? So they're not going to be defensive. And then you say, "Yeah, there's something that's been bothering me and I need to apologize that I didn't come to you sooner with this." And then you can also say, "And you know, you might not even know that this is happening. I take responsibility that it's impacting me this way." And then explain how their behavior is making you feel. You're not attacking them. You're not telling them they did X, Y, and Z. You're explaining how it's impacting you. And based on their reaction, you will know whether or not this is somebody that you want in your life. If their reaction is, "That's ridiculous, I didn't mean that, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, you're being too sensitive, bye-yee." (laughs) That's what you do. You got all the information you need. But if their reaction is, "I had no idea you felt that way. I feel terrible. What- well, I- I... Tell me what I can do." Like, that's a friendship that you want to save. Does that make sense?

   2. SOSonia10:24

      Yeah, absolutely. Whenever I've shared anything with Hal, any of their reactions made me feel or their- uh, the impact it had on my life, they just simply aren't interested.

   3. MRMel Robbins10:34

      Yeah. Well, there's all you need to know, right? And so here's the second piece of transformation that I want for you. You ready? There are patterns in life that repeat until you get the lesson. And for me, the biggest lesson about this betrayal by this person in business is that when I look back through my life and I think, hmm, what other relationships or friendships or colleagues, anything, what other relationships had the same feeling for me as this relationship? I can see a very similar pattern of the kind of person that I was drawn to or that was in my inner circle or that, you know, I was a really good friend with and then all of a sudden I realized, oh my gosh, this person's mean and they gossip behind people's back and now I'm scared because they're a friend of mine and, like, I don't know how to get out of this. I could see a very distinct pattern. And so maybe the lesson for you goes even deeper, which is not only when something's working or feels off to say something, notice somebody's reaction, and that tells you whether or not this is a friendship to lean into or one to pull away from. But the other lesson could be, are there particular personality types or relationship dynamics that draw you in that turn out for you to not be good for you?

   4. SOSonia12:08

      Mm. I feel like I've learned- learnt the lesson 'cause this was my ex-husband and everything that happened, and so I just... yeah. He keeps reaching out-

   5. MRMel Robbins12:16

      Yeah.

   6. SOSonia12:16

      ... to try and have a friendship going forward, but because of everything that happened, I'm not interested.

   7. MRMel Robbins12:21

      Yes. And here's... Maybe your husband does need to have a conversation with them.... for his closure. Maybe he doesn't understand how this is impacting you completely. You see, you don't

6. 12:34 – 16:29

   You don’t need to have this in order to feel closure with someone.

   1. MRMel Robbins12:34

      need to have a conversation with somebody in order to have closure. We often chase other people down and we say we want closure, but what we're actually looking for is confirmation or we're looking for some sort of assurance, we wanna feel better. You can do that for yourself if you're very clear about why this isn't working for you and what your boundaries are. And it sounds to me like you're very clear. You don't need to have a conversation. You've already had the conversation and their behavior in it told you everything you need to know.

   2. SOSonia13:08

      Yeah, that's the feeling, 'cause any time I bring anything up about how any- anything's impacted me, it just re- brings up all of the old stuff again and it's just too hard, so I just have to let, let them all go and just like let my life carry on.

   3. MRMel Robbins13:22

      Yeah, and you also... Is there a request you need to make of your husband?

   4. SOSonia13:27

      It's my ex-husband.

   5. MRMel Robbins13:28

      Like is h- Oh, your ex-husband, excuse me. So he's, he was friends with them, so he's not part of this really.

   6. SOSonia13:35

      N- No, he is. It was like the stuff that happened that ended my marriage-

   7. MRMel Robbins13:40

      Oh.

   8. SOSonia13:40

      ... with my best friend.

   9. MRMel Robbins13:43

      Oh, so is he with your best friend?

   10. SOSonia13:45

       Uh, he is, yeah. He came out as bisexual, so he's with both of them.

   11. MRMel Robbins13:51

       Wow.

   12. SOSonia13:51

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins13:52

       That's a lot.

   14. SOSonia13:53

       Yeah, it was a lot.

   15. MRMel Robbins13:56

       And that's exactly why you don't need to have them in your life.

   16. SOSonia14:00

       Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins14:01

       And you don't no- you don't owe anybody an explanation.

   18. SOSonia14:04

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins14:06

       You deserve peace.

   20. SOSonia14:07

       It's just really good for me to hear that, that I don't need to resolve anything, I can just move forward.

   21. MRMel Robbins14:12

       Yeah.

   22. SOSonia14:13

       Knowing in the p- peace in me that I don't want to have c- you know, friendships with people who are like that. And I've got so many beautiful new humans in my life and just this, and yeah, experiencing that kind of love and friendship from all my new friends and my new boyfriend, it's really beautiful.

   23. MRMel Robbins14:27

       Wonderful. That's great. I'm proud of you.

   24. SOSonia14:31

       Mm. You've helped a lot. Thank you. (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins14:34

       Well, I appreciate you being here, but you keep the credit 'cause you did the work.

   26. SOSonia14:40

       Thank you very much. Will you share?

   27. MRMel Robbins14:42

       You're welcome. And what I need to say to everybody listening is if you've been broken up with or if you've got a friendship where the behaviors turn toxic or you've got something going on, you don't need to have a conversation about it. Their behavior has told you what you need to know. If you're still questioning it, have the conversation in the way that I suggested where you apologize for withholding this, you tell somebody how their behavior or lack of behavior makes you feel, and then watch their reaction. If they're caring and kind, wonderful. If they're not, wonderful. You know what to do, which is close the fricking door on that relationship. Do not accept that behavior in your life, period. Not from somebody that's not resourceful and not from somebody who's willing to do the work to repair this. All right. We gotta take a short break to hear a word from our sponsors. But when we come back, we have got a second person that is dealing with betrayal, and this one is even more emotional. You're gonna hear from Jen when we return. Welcome back. It's Mel, and I'm so glad you're here because our next question today comes from Jen. And the reason why I invited Jen on the podcast is because there was something about the way she wrote this initial question, and she had written that, like me, she too had had one of the most difficult years of her life, but she was having a really hard time giving herself credit for facing all that she had been through. And I sensed there was a lot more under the surface here. So Jen, I wanna welcome you to the podcast. Can you start by just introducing yourself and asking your question again?

   28. JEJen16:28

       So my name

7. 16:29 – 17:39

   Jenn reveals how her painful betrayal has changed her.

   1. JEJen16:29

      is Jen, and I am from Pennsylvania. Um, I ha- My question is I have a lot of difficulty giving myself credit, as you suggested that we do, um, especially this past year, which has been just extraordinarily painful. How can I overcome that?

   2. MRMel Robbins16:48

      I love your question. So why has this last year been extraordinarily painful?

   3. JEJen16:58

      (clears throat) Um, without getting into too much detail, um, there was some betrayal that happened in my life.

   4. MRMel Robbins17:07

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JEJen17:07

      And it's just affected every aspect of who I am. Like I, I, I question everything now, like everything I thought I was, everything I thought I could do, like it's all-

   6. MRMel Robbins17:20

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JEJen17:20

      ... like it's all just been ripped away.

   8. MRMel Robbins17:23

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JEJen17:23

      And I can't, I can't overcome it.

   10. MRMel Robbins17:27

       You can overcome it. You won't at the moment. And let me give you advice about betrayal, okay?

8. 17:39 – 19:35

   This is the hardest part of betrayal to grasp. Please play on repeat.

   1. MRMel Robbins17:39

      And this is really hard to get. And as somebody who has both been betrayed and who earlier in my life was somebody who was the betrayer, I can speak to both sides of this. And what I wanna say, and this is the hardest thing to grasp, it has nothing to do with you. What that person did in your life has nothing to do with you. And it has to do with their pain. It has to do with their neurochemistry. It has to do with their coping mechanisms, their trauma, their dysfunction, their pain. It doesn't make it any easier when you're on the receiving end of it.But when you say, and are able to just repeat, "It literally has nothing to do with me. This is a very hurt and lost person who is coping with that hurt and that loss in an incredibly destructive way. But in no way, shape, or form does their bullshit determine whether or not I'm lovable, or whether or not I trust people, or whether or not I'm good enough." They have revealed a very broken side of themselves that they have chosen to escape, numb, deflect, all of it, instead of facing it in the mirror. And it's really hard because you got to go through a process of grieving what

9. 19:35 – 20:36

   Here is what you’re actually grieving after you’ve been betrayed.

   1. MRMel Robbins19:35

      you thought it was in order to have yourself unhook from it, because what you're actually grieving right now... And I'm just gonna... You haven't given me any details, but I'm just going to, you know, talk from my own experience. You're grieving the future that you thought was gonna happen, and you're grieving the reality of what you thought was going on, and that's incredibly destabilizing. And so you got to give yourself time, I'd say a year, to really just move through the anger, the pissed-off-ness, the hurt, the, "How could they have done this? How could I not have seen this? How could they have lied?" Like, all of it. And then at some

10. 20:36 – 22:10

    You need to change your story of betrayal. Here’s how.

    1. MRMel Robbins20:36

       point, you're gonna hit this, like, saturation point where you have soaked up so much of the misery that you will no longer want to feel it. And the only thing that will help you, like a sponge, squeeze that shit out of your being, is when you say, "Wow, I actually feel sorry for that person. I feel sorry that they're so screwed up that their only way to cope with that is to either cheat or lie or steal, or whatever, because it's easier than facing the truth." Some people are so scared of disappointment, or upset, or pain that they are willing to literally drug, smoke, drink, or fuck their way through life, because the momentary rush of dopamine that you feel when you snort cocaine, or you have an orgasm, or you're flirting with somebody in secret, or you're stealing, that relieves you of the deep pain that you're feeling. That's why people do that. And you were hurt, you didn't deserve it, but I'll tell

11. 22:10 – 35:00

    Trying to work through betrayal with someone you love? Listen to this.

    1. MRMel Robbins22:10

       you what else. You don't deserve, and you shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who is not willing to face that shit, who is not willing to heal with you, who is not willing to do the work. And so, you know, I'm being tough with you because this person already got how many years of your life?

    2. JEJen22:37

       14.

    3. MRMel Robbins22:38

       Yes. And what I want you to understand is that, first of all, any relationship, in my opinion, if two people are willing to do the work, any relationship can come through and be stronger even in the face of betrayal. No question. But only if both of you are willing to come to the table and do the work together. You to forgive, and the other person to face their shit that led to this. And if they're not, then all you can do is grieve what wasn't, and grieve the future you thought you were gonna have, and take a hefty amount of empathy to feel sorry for somebody, that this is who they are, as hard as it is, and at some point, to truly honestly be grateful that all this crap got revealed so that you can move forward with somebody who's healthy. And the somebody I'm referring to is you.

    4. JEJen24:04

       Mm-hmm. Yeah, I like that.

    5. MRMel Robbins24:09

       And one other thing, even though this noth- has nothing to do with you, when you look across the 14 years, there are probably things that you can see where you let shit slide, or you didn't say-

    6. JEJen24:28

       Yeah, so I-

    7. MRMel Robbins24:28

       ... what you really meant.

    8. JEJen24:28

       So I blame myself.

    9. MRMel Robbins24:30

       Excuse me, what did you say?

    10. JEJen24:31

        So I, I blame myself when I, when I look back and kind of assess all of those things. Like, I, I, I do find things that I have let slide, so then I, I blame myself for letting it go.

    11. MRMel Robbins24:42

        No. It's just a lesson.And sometimes lessons we learn easily and sometimes we need sledgehammers.

    12. JEJen24:50

        Yeah.

    13. MRMel Robbins24:50

        And this is a sledgehammer. And so, as you move forward in your life, whether you do so on your own or you do so, uh, you know, working through this with somebody, one of the things to do is not to blame yourself. It's to say, "Oh, I now know that I will never do X again. I will never do this again. That when I feel a certain way, I won't be silent. When I have a hunch, I won't talk myself out of it. That when I'm being disrespected, I will address it." And that's what you're learning from this. It's one of the thousand things that you're about to learn for this. And one other thing I wanna tell you is I promise you, the road ahead, you got the best years of your life ahead of you. You do. And I think you know that.

    14. JEJen26:01

        I hope so. I, I, I, I want to know that, I want to think that, it's just... when I get into my head and that's kind of where I live.

    15. MRMel Robbins26:13

        What's the thing that you say that tortures you the most?

    16. JEJen26:19

        Um, that I'm not good enough. That it happened because I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not... all of it.

    17. MRMel Robbins26:37

        How's that feel?

    18. JEJen26:38

        It sucks. (laughs)

    19. MRMel Robbins26:41

        Do you want a different story?

    20. JEJen26:43

        I do.

    21. MRMel Robbins26:45

        Great. I'm gonna give you one when we come back from the break. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today, we are coaching listeners who have experienced betrayal, and unfortunately, as you're learning, this is a topic that I have a lot of experience in. And we were just talking with Jen, and I was explaining the fact that one of the most important steps that you need to take is you've got to start telling yourself a different story about what happened. And so, here's one, Jen, that I want you to start telling yourself. It happened because he's an asshole who has a lot of trauma, who doesn't wanna face it, and who's been avoiding it, and we also know who will likely do the same thing to the next person if he doesn't face it now. Because people who avoid the hard things, the pain they're feeling or the trauma that they experienced when they were little, when people use avoidance as a coping mechanism, guess what they continue to do to avoid? And again, this is where it comes down to the fact that this betrayal has nothing to do with you. And I know that's hard to grasp, I really do, but I want you to start to tell yourself the story that this has nothing to do with me. This has to do with his shit. This has to do with him not having the coping mechanism t- to face his pain. And this is a wake-up call. That's what this is. It has nothing to do with me.

    22. JEJen28:20

        I, I do wanna be clear that he is trying to own his crap. It's just-

    23. MRMel Robbins28:24

        Oh.

    24. JEJen28:24

        ... it's me living in my head and... Like, I, I know that... Part of me knows that it's not my fault, that it's not that I'm not good enough, and all of the things that you said, it's just, uh, like I'm, I'm a highly sensitive person, I'm an empath, I'm 88... like, all of those things, and I just... It's, it's me trying to overcome those things for me.

    25. MRMel Robbins28:46

        Hmm. Then let me give you a different interpretation and a different story, because you two are trying to work together through this.

    26. JEJen28:56

        Yeah.

    27. MRMel Robbins28:57

        Great. And let me tell you why I think that's great. I don't know a single couple that has gone through something horrible, and look, Chris and I have gone through horrible stuff. I don't know a single couple who spends time in therapy and works through it who doesn't come out on the other side and say, "I'm, I wish I hadn't worked on it."

    28. JEJen29:25

        Right.

    29. MRMel Robbins29:25

        But I do know a number of people that have gotten divorced that wish they had tried to work through it. And so, working through it matters not so you can stay together, but it matters because if you don't stay together, you will be better co-parents and friends, and that's important. But the likelihood is if you're both willing to come to the table, and he, in particular, is willing to do the work, then the odds are in your favor, and you will come through this stronger. So the story I want you to tell yourself is this: What if he did this because it was the only way he could stay in the marriage? Because he was feeling so lost and so depressed and so whatever that he was the one who didn't feel good enough? And it's not about you or the other person being thin or whatever else. That he was at a point in his life that he lost who he was-And he might as well have been having sex with a freaking dinner plate, for crying out loud, 'cause it's not about the other person. It's about him chasing an old version of himself. And if there's a dynamic in your relationship where he thinks he's failing, or he thinks he's not good enough, that's what this is about. It's not about you not being good enough, about him not measuring up for you.

    30. JEJen31:14

        Yeah. I like that story a lot better. (laughs)
12. 35:00 – 39:04

    Here is what the experts say about affairs.

    1. MRMel Robbins35:00

       didn't love you, he would have left.

    2. JEJen35:04

       Right.

    3. MRMel Robbins35:05

       And affairs are people searching for parts of themselves that they feel they've lost. That's what they are.

    4. JEJen35:18

       Thank you.

    5. MRMel Robbins35:19

       And they're not fair, and they're not right, and he doesn't deserve this. And he's very fucking lucky that you didn't just end it, 'cause you both have a chance to grow from this. And that's a gift, even though it doesn't fucking feel like one you want to unwrap.

    6. JEJen35:48

       Yeah.

    7. MRMel Robbins35:53

       You're on the bridge. Just keep crossing the bridge, and trust that when you get to the other side, it's going to be way better than you can imagine.

    8. JEJen36:08

       I hope so. Thank you.

    9. MRMel Robbins36:10

       You're welcome. You're going to be okay. Just let yourself feel this shit, dude. Like, that's what you got to do. And the thing that I also want to tell you is, like, when you get pissed, like, write it all out. Like, you're probably past the lashing out part and screaming, but... Maybe not, I don't know.

    10. JEJen36:33

        For the most part, yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins36:34

        Uh, yeah, like, it just... Allow yourself to be a little human. And now that you're kind of through that part, keep steering yourself toward, okay, how do I understand what happened? How do I create a space for healing for both of us?... how do I forgive what happened, like that's the North Star. Because whether this, whether you stay together, especially if you stay together, but even if it ends, I don't want you to carry this resentment or this lack of trust into what happens next. Heal this for yourself, and if the marriage is the right thing for you, you'll know.

    12. JEJen37:16

        Yes.

    13. MRMel Robbins37:18

        Thank you for being so honest with us, and vulnerable.

    14. JEJen37:21

        Thank you very, very much. Thank you. You have no idea how much you have just helped me change my life, so thank you.

    15. MRMel Robbins37:28

        You're welcome. And you're continuing to do it. And, you know, I think sometimes too, this is happening because you're not supposed to have that kind of shit going on in your life.

    16. JEJen37:43

        Right.

    17. MRMel Robbins37:43

        That as you level up your own standards for yourself, what's amazing is, all of the crap that's not working comes to the surface. And that's because you're not supposed to have a life that's out of integrity. That's not what you want, that's not what you stand for, and sometimes bringing things into integrity means a lot of shit comes to the surface, and you got to get a shovel.

    18. JEJen38:24

        Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins38:28

        You are gonna be just fine. You're not only gonna be fine, you're gonna be happy, and you're gonna be stronger because of this, and you're gonna have a deeper capacity for love, and you are going to surprise yourself.

    20. JEJen38:50

        Yeah. Oh, I have. I already have, for sure.

    21. MRMel Robbins38:53

        Name one thing that has surprised you about yourself or that you're proud of, because I want somebody that's at the beginning

13. 39:04 – 45:34

    The advice from Jenn that you need to hear if you’ve just been betrayed.

    1. MRMel Robbins39:04

       of this kind of breakdown to hear somebody further across the bridge.

    2. JEJen39:11

       I am very surprised. I, I had no idea how strong I really am, and you, you hear that all the time, you know, you don't know how strong you are until you, it's time to be strong. Um, so honestly, if there is anybody, just believe in yourself, just it, (sighs) you're stronger than you think. You absolutely are.

    3. MRMel Robbins39:36

       Yeah. Is there anything else that surprised you as you've navigated this?

    4. JEJen39:42

       Um, (laughs) honestly, my a- my ability to kind of try to be compassionate. Like, I, I've always been, you know, of the mindset, you know, I, I won't say in a relationship where there was infidelity, it's just, it's, it's not how I'm gonna work. And then you're in this situation-

    5. MRMel Robbins40:06

       Mm-hmm.

    6. JEJen40:06

       ... and it's completely different than anything you thought it would be.

    7. MRMel Robbins40:09

       Yeah.

    8. JEJen40:11

       But just to be able to overcome, I mean, get, like, I, I, I know I already said this, but like, just the, the being, I'm so much stronger than I thought, and that's, that's how I get through my days, and like I just, I, grace, gra- gratitude, I say that to myself all day long, just learning to show myself grace, um, finding things to be grateful for, and keeping my head down, and just, just, just keep bowing. Go to the therapy. Do the hard work.

    9. MRMel Robbins40:41

       (exhales) Yeah.

    10. JEJen40:41

        All of the things, grace, grit, and gratitude.

    11. MRMel Robbins40:43

        You're crossing the bridge in the fog, in a rainstorm.

    12. JEJen40:46

        Yep.

    13. MRMel Robbins40:47

        And here's what I also want you to be proud of. You are compassionate because you have a very deep capacity to love.

    14. JEJen40:59

        Yeah.

    15. MRMel Robbins40:59

        And part of loving is also being able to accept and understand someone else. Now, that doesn't mean condone. (laughs)

    16. JEJen41:15

        Right.

    17. MRMel Robbins41:16

        That doesn't mean you're responsible for it. That doesn't mean that you're making excuses for it. But attempting to understand somebody else's pain and bringing compassion to something that somebody is dealing with, even though their dysfunction profoundly broke your heart, that's an act of love. That's why you're gonna be okay. I love you.

    18. JEJen42:01

        I love you. Thank you.

    19. MRMel Robbins42:02

        You're welcome. Keep me posted. Wow. Can we just take a minute and collectively send some positive energy and some gratitude at Sonia and Jen? I am just so h- grateful. I don't even know, that, that's not even the right word. I'm proud of them, and I appreciate what it took to come and talk to me about this deeply personal thing. I mean, this is not easy stuff. This is what people are dealing with and not talking about, and so I so appreciate Sonia and Jen for sharing everything that they shared and being open to going even deeper than they thought they probably would.And if you had a light bulb moment, and I sure as heck hope you did, I hope that you will take whatever insight that you gained and you'll find the courage and the confidence to apply the advice that rang true for you. And there may be somebody in your life who's going through something very painful right now, and it's been very hard for you to figure out what to say to them. Don't worry, that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. I'm always here as your friend and theirs. I'll be here to give you a push, to share my experiences, my wins, my heartbreaks, so that you know you're not alone in this. I'll also tell you the truth, and I'll probably give you a little bit more tough love than you're ready for, but that's why we do this podcast twice a week. It's not just for listening, it's for doing. Because at some point, you're gonna have to do something that scares you or you're gonna have to do something different to create a better life and the life that you deserve. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you, I'm gonna be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to face the really hard shit that goes down in life, to call people out or to silently, confidently just close the fucking door and move on and learn the lesson. Because it's in doing these things every day that you create a better you and you create a more meaningful life, a better life, a fun life, a trusting life, a life that you love. All righty, I'll see you in a couple days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 45:34