The Mel Robbins PodcastHow to Get Confident, Beat Your Insecurities, and Overcome Fear | The Mel Robbins Podcast
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
110 min read · 21,661 words- 0:00 – 4:42
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
(ticking sound) (upbeat music) Can you hear that? That right there is the Dallas Convention Center, 3,000 women in the audience. I am taking the stage today, and I am taking you to work with me. The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have. And I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living. I'm talking about the fear of speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work, expressing what you need to other people. Here's the big trick, we reframe fear into excitement. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Can you hear that? That right there is the Dallas Convention Center, 3,000 women in the audience. I am taking the stage today, and I am taking you to work with me. Are you ready for this? I'm ready for this. Let's fucking go. Alrighty, you ready? I'm serious. It's take you to work day for Mel Robbins. I've been wanting to take you on the road with me for, woo, months, ever since we launched this podcast. Um, and I do want to thank those of you that come up literally every single day, it doesn't matter where I am, grocery store, airplane, hotel lobby, standing in line at a gas station, I love meeting you. Love it. If you ever see me, I want you to know something, I would be mad if you didn't use the five-second rule, five, four, three, two, one, to push yourself to come up and say hello. And the reason why is this is our podcast. The 17 million downloads that we have had in just over four months, that means 17 million people in 200 countries have been impacted by this show because of us, you and me. We're sharing the episodes, we're showing up twice a week, and so I love meeting you, because it means that when I'm sitting in a hotel room in Dallas, like I am right now, or I'm above my garage in southern Vermont, like I often am, that no matter where I am, I'm thinking of you, and I'm thinking of the fact that this conversation is happening between us, and that makes me show up in a way that I wouldn't show up if I weren't meeting you or hearing from you and reading your letters. And so just thank you for that. And today we're gonna talk about the biggest fear that people have in life. You know, Seinfeld famously joked that, um, the person in the coffin isn's scared, it's the person who has to speak about the person in the coffin who is. The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have, and I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living. I'm talking about the fear of speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work, expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting at school, uh, pushing back on something, uh, with a doctor. Like, just being able to express yourself. And the reason why this is such a huge fear for people is because it is a moment of intense vulnerability. The second that you go to speak at work, what happens? Everybody turns and all eyes are on you, and suddenly you feel like there's a spotlight on you and you get really worried about being judged. Uh, same thing happens when you have to speak in class, right? When you got called on in class, whoop, most people get a little nervous, lot of people hated that moment in elementary school when you had to read out loud, that's a moment of public speaking, and we are so afraid in that moment when the spotlight is on us. And I've shared in a number of episodes that I used to be terrified of public speaking. I would turn bright red when I got called on as a little kid. Uh, in law school I would start coughing attacks or I would leave the room. Uh, as a young, uh, lawyer I would wear a scarf because I'd get these neck rashes as I was talking to the judge and to the prosecutor in a small, uh, courtroom, and I just figured I would be the kind of person that always had a bright red face, always had an awful case of hives on my chest, always felt my tongue going dry, and I hated it. I hated it, hated it, hated it. And today what I'm gonna talk about is how I went from being afraid of public speaking to becoming... I- I- I'm almost like, you know, like I- I- I- It sounds braggadocious, but the truth is, I
- 4:42 – 10:03
I’m always asked how I got into public speaking. Here’s the story.
- MRMel Robbins
went from that to being the most successful female speaker in the world. More than 111 speeches a year, um, on the corporate circuit, so Microsoft, Starbucks, JP Morgan, AT&T, any kind of company you can imagine, I've been there. Now, the first question I always get is, "How did you get into the speaking business and how did you become the most sought after female speaker on the corporate speaking circuit, Mel?" Well, the truth is, I didn't set out to do anything. I've told you guys the story about how that TEDx talk happened by accident in 2011 and how I had a 21-minute-long panic attack while I was giving that talk and I never thought I would speak ever, ever, ever again, and then something crazy happened. A year later somebody put the TEDx talk online, and for another year it went crazy viral. And I didn't even know it was online, and so we're talking 2013. Now, by mid-2013 people start to reach out to me on Facebook and say, "Hey, I saw that thing in San Francisco." And I'm like, "Were you there?" They're like, "No, it's online." I'm like, "It's online?" And I realized, holy cow, this thing's online and it's got like a million views, that's crazy. And people kept reaching out and it was mainly women's conferences, and they were asking if I wanted to come and do like a breakout session and they wanted me to just repeat that...... TEDx talk, and so I had no idea that this was an industry or a business. I looked at speaking as something that famous people do, something that sports people do, something that people that are major, major authors must do. So I didn't have a bo- I didn't have anything. I just had my little secret five-second rule in my back pocket. I had a TEDx talk that had mistakenly gone viral online, and now I had people asking me if I would come and I would talk, uh, in breakout sessions at women's conferences. And I'm like, "Okay, that sounds fun." Now, keep in mind, in my life, uh, this is the moment when Chris has left the restaurant industry. He is bottomed out, not functioning, focused on getting sober, and I am working two jobs trying to keep things afloat. I mean, it is a really scrambling time in our life. And so I said yes to these things, and I'll never forget it. In 2013, I did seven talks, I think it was, all for free. I had no idea that people got paid to do this, and, um, I was doing it because I wanted to escape (laughs) the pressure of my life. And if I'm being perfectly honest, as nervous as I was that, about doing this, and I'd get a big neck rash, and I'd turn bright red in my face, as nervous as I was, there was something about being asked to tell my story and inspire other people that really lifted me up and made me feel, I don't know, like, it's sort of like how you fluff a pillow up when it's looking deflated. It just lifted my spirits a little bit to, to have the focus be on helping other people, and so it was like a lifeline. But I was still so nervous. When I tell you I was nervous, I mean, I was so nervous, I not only wore Spanx. I would put, like, a pad in the Spanx because I was sweating so much. I had all kinds of wardrobe fails because I would, I would literally sweat like Niagara Falls. I, that's what I do. I have a hot flash as I get nervous. So, um, I'll never forget it. It was, um, the Pennsylvania Women's Conference. It was Hilary Clinton, I think, was the keynote speaker and, uh, then there was this incredible woman who was the principal of Strawberry Hill Mansion who, um, I just love, and she spoke in the main room, 14,000 women there. And I was in this breakout session, and it was the largest room I had ever been in. I almost had a heart attack. There were like a thousand seats set up, and I had never been in a room that size. So I give this talk, which was largely just a mimic of the, the, the TEDx talk that I did, and this woman comes up to me afterwards, and she's like, "Oh my God, you were so great." You know, which was really nice to hear, and she said, "Can I ask you a question? You know, I, I was also a speaker this morning. I was in a breakout room on a panel, and I just wanna ask you a question speaker to speaker." And I was like, "Of course." And she said, "Did you get your check yet?" And I said, "Check? Wait a minute. You, you got paid for this?" And she looked at me with horror and said, "Oh my God, I'm really sorry. I just assumed, like, you had a bigger... I just assumed that you got paid." I'm like, "People get paid for this? Like, people, like normal people get paid for this?" And I was so flabber- it was one of those moments where you're just like, am I the stupidest fucking idiot on the planet? Does everybody else know this shit but me? And I was so dumbfounded that for two weeks I was just, like, stunned at what an idiot I was. I didn't even think to ask anybody to pay me to do this because I didn't think I was any good at it. So, um, I made myself a promise. I said, "You know what? I have no idea what to charge. You don't have a book. You should probably write one of those too. But, um, first you gotta figure out how to keep the lights on in the house
- 10:03 – 13:06
The question YOU need to ask when someone asks how much you charge.
- MRMel Robbins
and, uh, keep the family afloat and keep paying the bills," and I thought, here's what I'm gonna do. I am going to just, when the next person calls and says, "We'd like to book you to speak," I'm gonna pause, five, four, three, two, one, take a breath, and then I'm gonna say, "I think I'm available. What's your budget?" And then I'm going to wait, I'm gonna listen to the number, and then I'm gonna go five, four, three, two, one, pause, normally I'm double, and pause and see what happens 'cause I, I didn't even know what to price myself at. So two weeks later the phone rings and it's this guy in Dallas, Darren Paul, and he had been in the speaking business for like 20 years, and he says, "You know, blabbity blah, heard da da da da da da da." And I gotta thank his wife Lori 'cause she's the one that saw my TEDx talk going viral on Facebook, and she said to her husband, "You gotta book this woman for our sales conference for J Hilburn." And so Darren calls me, first phone call I receive, no joke, when I've made myself this promise, and he asks if I'm available five months from now in Dallas in August to speak at the national sales conference for this company, J Hilburn. I said, "I think I'm available. What's your budget?" And he said, "$10,000." I dropped the fucking phone. We had liens on our hou- ten thou- I, I, I had ne- I, I had no fucking idea people. Wh- what the f- 10,000 fucking dollars? Are you fucking kidding me? I will, I will literally di- I'll strip for that. I mean, that's unbelievable. So I, I forgot the second part. I was like, "Okay, I'm in. I'm in. Yes, yes, yes." Now, luckily I was so nervous and, you know, sometimes fear is a fantastic thing because it motivates you. I was so nervous because I felt so unworthy of that amount of money that I did something really smart, and fear motivated me to do this. I was so nervous that I would fall flat on my face because I believed I was not worthy of that kind of money because I had never made that kind of money.... that I ha- used half of the budget to pay a graphic designer to help me create a PowerPoint, because I needed at least something that would look like that. And I practiced, and I practiced, and I prepared, and that's one of the big things that you gotta take away. One of the best fricking tools for nerves is preparation. The more you prepare, what you're actually doing is working through your own resistance to this shit. You're creating muscle memory. You're rehearsing. Will you choke? Maybe, but not after I teach you the tools that I'm gonna teach you today, but you will never get better or conquer your fear of doing this public speaking if you're unwilling to prepare. So, part of the nerves might be that you're not even preparing enough. You're not rehearsing, you're not rehearsing in front of people,
- 13:06 – 13:39
One of THE best tools to calm your nerves is not meditation (for me), but this.
- MRMel Robbins
you're not taking the time to edit your mar- Like, it takes time, and rehearsal is so important. If you prepare, you're removing nerves, you're setting yourself up to win. And so, think about preparing like you're just building this muscle. It doesn't take the nerves away, or the fear away, or the stakes away, but by God, it's gonna help these tools work because you will have the preparation. There's this really famous quote that I love, uh, that I talk about all the time. It's by Charlie "Bird" Parker. I don't even know if this is a real story, but I love this quote. Apparently, Charlie
- 13:39 – 15:56
This is my favorite quote from Charlie Bird Parker.
- MRMel Robbins
"Bird" Parker, the famous jazz musician, was asked by a journalist who was writing a big article about him, "How the hell do you do what you do with that horn?" And you know what Charlie "Bird" Parker said? He said, "Well, first you gotta learn your instrument, and that takes years, decades of practice. You gotta study it. You gotta rehearse. You gotta do your scales. You gotta practice over, and over, and over, and over, and over again until you learn that instrument. And then, you forget all that shit they taught you and you just wail." And so, preparation allows you to tap into your genius. Preparation is what allows you to improv, to freestyle, to be fully express the highest you, to channel, to, like, tap into something, and it's in there, in you. That's why you feel this push-pull and this desire to show up more in your life. So, I spent all this time preparing, and I showed up, and there are moments in your life that really matter, and this was one of them. I met this moment. I stepped on that stage with my neck rash, and my rosy cheeks, and my dry mouth, and I fucking destroyed it, because I had prepared because I was afraid. Now, I also had the biggest wardrobe failure I have ever had on a stage. So, I wore this dress, 'cause at the time, I was a commentator for CNN, and I used to wear this dress all the time on CNN, and I thought, "Okay, if somebody's paying you that kind of money, you gotta look like you're on TV." So, I wore this, like, kind of power lady dress. You can already imagine it, right? It's got, like, sort of the, the V-neck and the pencil skirt, and it's hard to walk in. It looks good on television, but you're not moving and you're sitting in a chair. I had never looked at it with a light behind me, and at the end of the speech, I just flay this thing. I walk off that stage.
- 15:56 – 20:14
The wardrobe failure that may have rivaled Janet Jackson’s.
- MRMel Robbins
It was the first time I'd ever been projected on a jumbotron in an arena, and after the speech, this woman came up to me. She was darling. She's like, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love The Five-Second Rule. Thank you so much for those. It was amazing." I'm like, "Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm gonna pay my mortgage this month. This is great." And she said, "You were so great. I have to tell you something." And I'm like, "What?" She said, "Don't ever wear that dress again." I said, "Why?" She said, "I don't even wanna tell you this." I said, "What?" She said, "I could not only see that you were wearing Spanx, but that you had a thong on underneath them. That dress is so see- see-through, and you could see it all on the jumbotron." Okay. We went from winning to wanting to melt and crawl into a hole, but fuck it, you know? I, honestly, when you fuck up, you know what the research shows? People like you more, and that shows in that comment. That, by the way, is called the pratfall effect, that your imperfections make you more likable, more trustworthy. It makes you, as an expert, be somebody that people lean toward, and you've had this experience, haven't you? Where you might have somebody that's got a PhD, that's a know-it-all, that's really snooty and talking down to you. You're kind of like, "I don't want to learn from you." But when you got somebody that is, you know, on a stage, or teaching you something, or just somebody you meet, if there's something that humanizes them, it so builds trust, and that's an important thing to understand, because the idea here is not that you're gonna get it perfect. It's that you're willing to try. So, maybe that's why I destroyed it. I don't know. Everyone was rooting for me, 'cause you could see the Spanx and the thong underneath the dress, but that dress went in the fricking trash can at the hotel, never to see the light of day again. Although, I hope somebody pulled it out and used it. Um, but I never looked back from that moment, because Darren, who booked me, had been in this business for 20 years, and he said, "I gotta tell you, you are top three of all time, and the single best female speaker I have ever seen in my entire life. Who manages your business?" And I said, "You do." And he has run my speaking business ever since. And so, along the way, it took me several years to truly get over my nerves, and I don't get nervous. I care deeply.I get super intentional, um, about the stakes, because I really want to make a huge difference, and I wanna destroy it on these stages, and entertain and empower and inspire and all of it. So, I do care about how I perform when, um, I am stepping on a stage or I'm behind this mic. But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it, and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves, and that's what I'm gonna teach you today. Because you know what I want for you? I want your fullest expression. I want fear to stop holding you back. I want you to trust fall into your life. I want you to take that first step and climb the staircase to the things that you want in your life, and there are too many places where fear holds you back and keeps you silent and has you questioning yourself. And so, that was me too, and I just chipped away at this fucker. And I am so glad that I did, because I just can't even imagine how much I would yearn for what I'm doing now without even realizing it. But the first step is admitting that there are fears that are holding you back, and so we're gonna use public speaking, because it's the number one fear for everybody. All right, let's hit pause. When we come back, I've got a really cool surprise coming up, and I don't even know how this is gonna go. Um, I, as I said, am in Dallas, and while I was taping this, I, I got a text from a woman who is a keynote speaker. She's from Venezuela, and she spoke today at this huge conference in Dallas with 3,000 women at it that I am the closing keynote speaker for. And I guess she has been following my career, and she's always wanted to meet me, and I love meeting other speakers on the
- 20:14 – 25:02
I was so excited to meet this speaker and bestselling author from Venezuela.
- MRMel Robbins
corporate circuit. I love supporting other people who are up and coming. I want to get as many diverse and female voices on these stages as I possibly can, and so if I can make the time, I always do. Do you know what her specialty is? What she teaches Google and Microsoft and people around the world? How to conquer your fears. Are you kidding me? Is that not synchronicity? So, I'm gonna take a quick pause for our sponsors, and when we come back, you're gonna hear the moment she knocks on the door of my hotel room. I've never met this woman. Her name is Michelle Poler. She's a best-selling author. She teaches people around the world about conquering their fears, and she's coming up, and she's gonna tell you her best tips for conquering your fear of public speaking, why you need to do it, and more importantly, wha- what fear actually is and why it matters that you face it. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Mel, and I wanted to jump into the middle of that podcast episode you were watching to make sure you knew about a free opportunity that I created for you. It's a new three-part training called Take Control with Mel Robbins. It is packed with science. It is packed with action. It's exactly what you need right now. I know that you are tired of feeling like you're in survival mode. You're tired of merely coping, and it is time to tap back into your excellence and power again. Let me coach you. Let me guide you on the steps that you need to take in order to level up and start executing. It's gonna feel so great to start winning again. All you gotta do is click on the link right there in the caption. It's melrobbins.com/takecontrol. It is free. It is for you, and you need to be in it. Now, let's go back to the podcast. All right, it's Mel, and Michelle Poler's about to walk in (laughs) . I've never met her. I hope this is good. (laughs) I'm sure it will be. Um, you know what's amazing? This entire podcast is one giant trust fall, and we were gonna tape an episode today about ADHD, and I just had not, uh, gotten the studies that I wanted to walk you through printed, and I felt completely, like I just wasn't ready. And so I'm like, "You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna talk about the number one fear in the world, which is public speaking." And I went to sit down. I get this text. It's from a woman who wrote a book called Hello Fear that's speaking at the same thing as me, and I think in life, you gotta learn how to trust fall. You gotta take that step forward before you're ready. There's that famous Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. quote about how... And I'm gonna just completely get this wrong, but it's about how you don't need to see the whole staircase. You just need to take that first step, and the staircase appears, and it is so true. And that's why I'm so excited for this, and I'm even starting to get nervous because I'm looking at my phone, and she has two hours to catch a flight, and she's speaking at another event across the country tomorrow morning, so she can't miss it. We got like 10 minutes to squeeze this in, 10 minutes, but I'm doing a trust fall and so is she. Are they here? Really? They're here? Knock on the door. Louder. Welcome-
- MPMichelle Poler
Thank you for having me.
- MRMel Robbins
... to Mel Robbins' podcast.
- MPMichelle Poler
Woo-hoo! (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
See Michelle? All right, you sit down 'cause we're gonna make short, we're gonna make fast work-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes, yes, yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... of this. Okay.
- MPMichelle Poler
(laughs) This is crazy.
- MRMel Robbins
It's really crazy.
- MPMichelle Poler
I love it.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, there she is. You're so cute.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah, thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
And smart and amazing.
- MPMichelle Poler
Aw, thank you so much. I'm a huge fan. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, we're now huge fans of yours.
- MPMichelle Poler
Cool. I love it. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so we're talking-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... about fear.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes, my favorite topic.
- MRMel Robbins
Hello Fear.
- MPMichelle Poler
Hello Fears, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
What made you decide-... that you were going to conquer your fears by facing 100 fears in 100 days? Like, why on Earth did you do that?
- MPMichelle Poler
Oh, my gosh. Because I moved to New York, the city of my dreams, and I was not living my dream 'cause I was too much in my comfort zone.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- MPMichelle Poler
And I heard this song by OneRepublic that, uh, called I Lived, and they're singing about all the bones they broke and the hearts they broke and every-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MPMichelle Poler
I'm like, "I've never broken a bone in my life or a, a heart or whatever." I'm like, "I'm not living." I started crying 'cause I realized, like, "I am alive, but I am not living, and I wanna live my life."
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, hold on. That was a big one.
- MPMichelle Poler
(laughs)
- 25:02 – 26:09
Best journal starter question ever: Are you alive but not living?
- MRMel Robbins
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I think a ton of people just went, "Shit."
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"I'm alive, but I'm not living."
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I was checking all the boxes. I was doing all the right things. I had a good job. I was already married. I was living in New York. Uh, you know, everything was, like, in paper, perfect. But I wonder, I, am I happy or am I comfortable?
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- MPMichelle Poler
And that's very different.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. So you go to your husband. What's his name?
- MPMichelle Poler
Adam.
- MRMel Robbins
You turn to Adam and say, "Even though we've got this dialed in-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... I've decided I'm gonna go and face my fears for 100 days"?
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Did he look at you and say, "Absolutely-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... you're crazy."
- MPMichelle Poler
No, he said, "I'll support you 100%. I'll help you face all your fears."
- MRMel Robbins
Wow.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So did you take, like, leave from your job, or what did you do?
- MPMichelle Poler
No. It's, it was, uh, uh, y- you cannot imagine. I was... Every single day, I would wake up really early either to face a fear in the morning, then I would go to my job, I was in advertising, and then I was doing a master's in branding at the School of Visual Arts in New York every single day of the week. So I would have to either face a fear early in the morning, during my lunchtime, before I go to the
- 26:09 – 29:11
Feeling like you never have time? You’re not going to believe this advice.
- MPMichelle Poler
master's, or right after, like at 10:00 PM. And then every day, I would come back, edit a video, and upload that to YouTube, put it on all the social media channels, and then (laughs) go to bed for, like, three, four hours, and then go back.
- MRMel Robbins
You know what this proves? This proves that if you feel like you don't have enough time, you don't have a big enough exciting game to play.
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And there's even research about this. That ironically, if you're super, super busy, the best way to reclaim your time is by adding in something really meaningful or challenging.
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's exactly what you did.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My-
- MRMel Robbins
What was the scariest thing-
- MPMichelle Poler
Oh my gosh.
- MRMel Robbins
... that you did out of the 100?
- MPMichelle Poler
I will tell you something. I get that question. I just got it today, speaking twice.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- MPMichelle Poler
And it's really hard to answer because the biggest fear is the one you haven't conquered, is the one you haven't faced. So if you ask me this in the middle of the challenge, I would say the next 50 fears, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MPMichelle Poler
But now looking back, I can't even choose one because l- this is how my everyday would look like. I would be like, "Okay, today was not that bad. Tomorrow I will die."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
And the next day, same thing. "Okay, not that bad. Tomorrow it will be the worst one." And then it was never as bad.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, what was the one that you had the most anticipatory, "Holy shit, I might actually die if I do this"?
- MPMichelle Poler
Well, you will not guess (laughs) my answer-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
... but it's standup comedy.
- MRMel Robbins
(gasps)
- MPMichelle Poler
It was so scary! Doing standup comedy, so much more scarier than I could ever imagine, in a club in New York in front of a, of real audience. That was so scary. More than like skydiving and even posing nude in front of a drawing class, that was a really tough one.
- MRMel Robbins
You posed-
- MPMichelle Poler
I did.
- MRMel Robbins
... nude in front of a drawing class?
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah. I, uh, that was one of the scariest (laughs) one as well.
- MRMel Robbins
So what was that like?
- MPMichelle Poler
It was really transformational, the whole experience, because when I started, I was so self-aware. I wanted to be as skinny as I can and, like, hide all my imperfections. And then slowly, as I, uh, the time progressed, what I realized is that I'm not giving anything to the audience that wanna draw something interesting 'cause I'm just here thinking about myself.
- MRMel Robbins
So were you sitting there like cross-legged-
- 29:11 – 31:52
How does fear give you access to your more authentic life?
- MPMichelle Poler
because it is scary to p- speak up. It is scary to show ourselves. It is scary to experience rejection, you know, when we show who we really are. And we will experience rejection when we show who we really are.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- MPMichelle Poler
But, you know, it's not a matter of being liked by everybody. It's a matter of resonating with the right people and attracting to you and to your life the right kind of people, the people that value who you really are, so you don't have to hide or create, like, this fake filter of yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm. So what was... Oh, it was, it was the nude drawing one.
- MPMichelle Poler
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
That's what th- was a really scary one.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I keep thinking about that.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah. Uh, um, a friend suggested that, and I was, like, so mad. I'm like, "Why do you have to put that in my head?"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
'Cause, yes, I am scared of that. I am in the process of facing all my fears. I can't now unsee this huge fear that I have, I hate you. So, yes. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. What did you learn about yourself by doing the 100 Days 100 Fears project?
- MPMichelle Poler
So I learned that that f- um, feeling that you get when you're about to face a fear-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MPMichelle Poler
... you know that feeling? It's in your heart and it's telling you-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MPMichelle Poler
... "Don't do it."
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MPMichelle Poler
"Don't do it." That's, like, probably your ego trying to protect you from facing rejection or embarrassment or, like, losing your job or whatever it is. Um, I always...... like, um, perceived that feeling as a sign that my body's telling me, "Don't go that way."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MPMichelle Poler
After facing my fears and going through that feeling over and over again-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MPMichelle Poler
... what I see is that that's also the feeling that tells you that there's growth in there.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MPMichelle Poler
And I never saw it like that. So, I ran away every single time and I missed out on so many opportunities because I was like, "Nope, my intuition." I thought it was my intuition, but it was just, I think, my ego or what, whatever it is that's trying to protect me, um, from facing my fears. Um, I thought they were, you know, telling me not go that way, and it was exactly where I had to go. So now, every time I experience that and I feel uncomfortable, I choose growth.
- MRMel Robbins
So, I get that question a lot and I would love to hear your answer-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... or any tool that you may have for somebody who doesn't know the difference between true intuition-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and fear that's holding them back-
- 31:52 – 35:27
Fear might indicate danger OR it might indicate growth. Pay attention.
- MPMichelle Poler
see past those fears.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha.
- MPMichelle Poler
So, a lot of people will ask you the question, "What's the worst that can happen?" Right? And then, that's a really bad question. Do not ask that question.
- MRMel Robbins
Because you'll see the worst.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes. And the worst I know is not, maybe not dying or, uh, you know, getting fired, but the worst is hurting your feelings, and that is still as hurtful so you don't want to go through that. But what I ask people is now change the question to, "What's the best that can happen?"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MPMichelle Poler
That's the only way you will get to see the rewards that are expecting you in the other side of fear. And if those rewards are not really exciting for you, then maybe that's a fear not worth facing. But if they are, then you have to go for it, despite the fear that it may bring.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that reframe because you're right. When somebody says, "Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
They're trying to minimize your fear, but it actually has you laser focus on a fear, which magnifies even the smallest worst thing that could happen.
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
But when you reframe it to, "Well, what's the best thing that could happen?"
- MPMichelle Poler
You see whole things in a whole different way. Just today, I spoke three times at this event and it was a new presentation. So, I was so nervous and I told this to my community. I'm like, "I'm really nervous. I'm giving all this new presentation, new material." And somebody asked, "Michelle, what's the best that can happen?"
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
Because they know (laughs) that's my language, and it helped me so much, so much. I immediately imagined my room full of people, people clapping, people laughing, people being inspired-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MPMichelle Poler
... even crying, you know, whatever. I'm like, "I'm ready. I'm ready for this."
- MRMel Robbins
So, I'd love to get your advice because we've been talking about, um, the fear of public speaking.
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And how terrified so many people are of public speaking, and not even just getting on a stage, but even just sharing an idea in a meeting at work.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Or starting a hard conversation.
- MPMichelle Poler
Oh my gosh.
- MRMel Robbins
Or that moment where you're at a meeting-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... at school and you wanna say something, but your fear holds you back and keeps you silent. What advice do you have to help somebody learn how to conquer their fear of speaking either on a stage or at work or being more vocal in life?
- MPMichelle Poler
For me, what helps me the most is to feel like I own my story, to make it ownable. Even if you have to share your, the profits of the year or whatever, share your personal story behind that. Like attach some of your, you know, your, your journey to whatever you wanna share, even if it's a tool. For example, it's so easy to go on Google and, and, and research, "What am I going to talk about? Let me talk about this topic."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- MPMichelle Poler
And then Google will tell you the answer and then anybody can Google that same answer.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- 35:27 – 37:42
Feeling imposter syndrome? You’re not alone. Here’s what you need.
- MPMichelle Poler
that long ago, I was, it was after the 100 Day Project. So I faced 100 fears, the last one was to speak on TEDx and that's what launched my career as a speaker, and that was in 2015.
- MRMel Robbins
Gotcha.
- MPMichelle Poler
So I started speaking 2016, let's say.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- MPMichelle Poler
And so, uh, I, they hired me to speak at ESPN and I was very nervous but very excited, and then the speaker that went right before me was the most exceptional speaker you can think of, and guess what? She was also the first speaker today at the event. So full circle. Yes, hi Carla. Yeah, so she was amazing, she was exceptional and then I had to, to follow that act and I was so nervous 'cause I was, I, I experienced the imposter syndrome. I'm like, "If that's a speaker, I'm not a speaker."... like, I'm not that, and I was just starting. So, I felt very intimidated by her, and I thought, "I have to be more like her. I have to be more polished. I have to speak perfect English. I have to answer better, like she's answering all these awesome questions." Like, it was horrible, that feeling of comparison, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MPMichelle Poler
And then after the event, I went to the happy hour, and I was hesitant to go, but I'm so glad that I went because, that night, so many people approached me to tell me that I was also one of the highlights of the day for them, and that they appreciated how, how real I was, and what I thought was, like, my imperfect side of myself was exactly what resonated with them. So, the more real you are, the more you can own who, you know, your authentic self, your story. That's what people wanna hear, more than anything else.
- MRMel Robbins
Amazing. It's so true.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
It's so true. So, another question to ask you is... So, you're doing, um, a couple sessions at the event today.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, and you're nervous.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Other than thinking about what's the best that could happen-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... are there any other strategies that you use in those moments where the fear starts to rise up and your nervous system goes into a state of being on alert and you start going, "Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit"? Like, what else do you personally do that you can give to somebody listening as a little technique to get your shit together?
- MPMichelle Poler
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
One of the things that helped me is that I realized that I let go and I calm myself down when I dance reggaeton. Yeah, (laughs) it's crazy.
- 37:42 – 47:39
How do you get over your fear of public speaking?
- MPMichelle Poler
But when I realized that, I was like, "I need to include that in my presentation."
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. That's why you take-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... the stage, right?
- MPMichelle Poler
That is, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MPMichelle Poler
So whenever they say, "Welcome, Michelle," I play my song-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- MPMichelle Poler
... I go on stage, and I start dancing Dura from Daddy Yankee, you know?
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
And I dance all out, and this is really uncomfortable 'cause I'm the only one dancing. I try to make people dance, but they don't. Mostly at very corporate settings. They stay in their, their seats, and they're petrified looking at me, "Why is she dancing?" (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I'm sure. Or if you've got, like, the 8:00 AM slot in-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... Las Vegas, and you're the first session, and they're... There's literally, like, an eighth of the chairs-
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... are filled. Ev- nobody's up front, and you're dancing like a maniac on the stage-
- MPMichelle Poler
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... alone.
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes, exactly.
- MRMel Robbins
Now, are you still afraid to do that?
- MPMichelle Poler
I'm not. I remember at the beginning, I would tell my husband 'cause we travel together.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- MPMichelle Poler
We always speak together, and I was like, "I'm not doing it," every single time. And he was like, "You are doing it, Michelle." So he-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MPMichelle Poler
I needed him to convince me, you know, every time. And now, I, I feel like I need to. Like, now I know that every time I dance, oh, I feel so much better afterwards. So, that would be one of my advices. Like, try to find what calms you down. See how if you can incorporate that into your speech.
- MRMel Robbins
I actually have a different reason why that works.
- MPMichelle Poler
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you wanna know why that works?
- MPMichelle Poler
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Because nervousness and excitement is the exact same thing physiologically, and so you are hijacking-
- 47:39 – 52:34
Come on stage with me at the Dallas Convention Center.
- MRMel Robbins
I am here at the Dallas Convention Center, and there are 3,000 chairs out there, and we have just run through the tech rehearsal, and I'm gonna tell you a little secret about, um, how I manage my, uh, nerves and how I flip it into excitement, and this is something you can steal. There's always a reason why you are doing something, and when you can find the reason or the purpose for why you want to either give that speech or destroy the sales, uh, presentation or walk into your boss and advocate for yourself because of the contributions that you're making, or you just wanna find the courage to stand up in a town meeting and talk...There's always a reason why. And so before you're about to do it, one of the things that you wanna do is you wanna remind yourself of why this matters to you. I wanna- for example, at work, I wanna be compensated and valued for my contributions, and it's my responsibility to make those contributions known. And so, I'm going to be super proud of myself if and when I say this. Or I wanna make a difference in my town, and so I'm gonna have to start speaking up, because my voice needs to be heard. I don't wanna be complaining about what's going on in this town in my own house. I wanna be advocating for what changes I'd like to see made, 'cause I can make a difference. For me, whenever I give a speech, I always say the same thing to myself. I say that, "Yes, there are 3,000 seats here, but I'm only ever talking to one person. And I believe that there is one person in this audience today who is here because they are meant to be here, and there is something that I am about to say that will change their entire life. That they're gonna learn something that might cure their anxiety or that might help them through a very, very, very dark moment, to know that this is temporary. There is someone that's gonna be inspired to make a major change, and I know that in the course of the hour that I am speaking on this stage, something is going to happen that is meant for that person." And if I trust that, it allows me to just ditch the script and show up as my full, highest expressed self. You know, look, it might be that I trip on the stage coming out. Not planned, but somebody in the audience seeing that, "Wow, if that woman on the stage trips, and she gets back up, maybe I can stumble and get back up too. Look at how she just brushes it off and she doesn't care. What if I had that?" I mean, it could be that. It could be something really profound, like getting sober or leaving a really abusive marriage. So I remind myself of that, and I'm only ever talking to one person, and that helps me. Uh, it helps me to stay focused and to know that what I'm about to do, even if it makes my stomach twist in knots or even if I'm a little, quote, nervous about how it's gonna go, it helps me stay aligned with my purpose. And that's where your power- power alley is always in life, and that's why it's so important for you to push yourself to express yourself and advocate for yourself and share your story. And so, steal that idea, remind yourself of why you're doing this, only talk to one person, and tell yourself that there is a person in this room, and you are meant to say something in this room because somebody needs to hear you say it. And when you trust that, it's not about you. It's about the impact that you're about to make. Okay, um, we should get off this stage (laughs) because we gotta go backstage and, uh, get ready. I go on in about an hour. And this is normally the dead zone for people, where they've practiced, they've run through something, and now they wait. And this is where your nerves can get the worst of you. So next up, after a short break for a word from our sponsors, I'm gonna teach you the real trick, uh, from Harvard Medical School to reframe all those nerves backstage or right before or in anticipation of into excitement so that you can align yourself with your mission and express yourself (blows kiss) . All right, five minutes before I take the stage, and, um, here's the big trick. You know, we reframe fear into excitement. And the thing about nervousness is nervousness is just your body trying to get you into an alert state, because what you're about to do requires you to concentrate. So for example, you get nervous before a test because it's important, and you have to concentrate, and you care about the outcome. You get nervous before giving a presentation because you have to pay attention, and the outcome's important. You get nervous before you have to,
- 52:34 – 53:28
When you do something that scares the pants off you, remember this.
- MRMel Robbins
uh, sing or go into an interview or go on a date because you're gonna be basically putting yourself out there, and it's important, and you care about the outcome, and you gotta pay attention. That's what nerves are about. It's about getting you to get into an alert state. Same thing as excitement. Excitement is when your body goes into an alert state because something cool is about to happen, and you gotta pay attention. And so right now, I literally say to myself, "I'm not nervous. I'm really excited. I'm not nervous at all, in fact. I'm so excited to get out on that stage. Why? Because there is one person out there whose life it's gonna change." And as I get more and more, uh, excited and get closer to walking up to that stage, my stomach will start to grumble. I will have to pee. Um, my armpits will sweat. My mouth is starting to get dry. But I keep telling myself,
- 53:28 – 54:36
Tool #3 is based on research from Harvard - here’s what you tell yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
"I'm not nervous. Those aren't butterflies. Those are the wings of possibility." Ooh, that's nice. That's deep, Mel. Uh, those are just me getting ready to do something that I care about, and I'm excited to get out there, and I'm excited to make a difference, and I'm excited to express myself, and I'm excited to push myself to do something like this. And so that's my little ritual. I don't dance around. I don't meditate. I don't get calm. I tap into excitement, and I hijack the nerves, and I label it something empowering. And that settles my body, and it makes my focus get really laser focused on the impact I wanna make, and that will help you perform. Okay, let me explain why your stomach has butterflies when you're nervous and why you have to pee.... and why your heart races, and why your armpits sweat. This is all part of an automa- an automatic response in your body to either something that is exciting or something that is stressful. And when you roll back the clock, in terms of evolution, and you take a look at stress, we could spend hours and hours and hours
- 54:36 – 59:31
You don’t feel butterflies when you’re nervous because you’re going to screw up.
- MRMel Robbins
talking about this, but I'm just gonna boil it down so that you have enough understanding to trust what I'm telling you about why reframing nerves into excitement works. This is from research at Harvard Medical School, where they studied people in situations that made them nervous, job interviews, giving a speech, participating in a debate competition, singing, and running in a track meet. And they taught all of these people to tell themselves they were excited to do the thing that made them nervous, and it helped them perform better. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because, um, there's no physiological difference in your body between a moment that's stressful and a moment that's exciting. Your body has the same alert response to it. All of the blood goes to your heart, it goes, uh, to your brain, and that means it leaves your digestive tract. Because honestly, you don't need to be, uh, digesting food if you're gonna take a test. You don't need to be digesting food if you're gonna sing on a stage. You don't need to be di- digesting food if you're gonna give a speech. So, the blood goes to your heart so that you can, you know, move, and it goes to your brain so you can think. And I'm dumbing this down. I realize there's a lot more complex science, but just the chemical structure, physiological structure changes. That's where the butterflies come in. See, the butterflies aren't there because you're nervous or excited. The butterflies are there because the blood flow increased to your heart, which is why your heart is racing, and the butterflies are due to that chemical change from the blood going to the heart (laughs) and not being in the digestive tract. That's what that is, dude. That's also why you have to pee, because you're not gonna need to pee on stage, you're not gonna need to pee while you're singing, and so your body has this natural response in exciting or stressful situations to dump what's ever in your bladder or in your bowels. Why? So that you can focus and so that you can run faster or perform better. That's why this happens. And so, one of the mistakes that people make is that when they get nervous and they start getting butterflies, you think the butterflies are a sign that you're about to fuck up. No, it's a sign that your body's getting ready to do something, and you get to decide whether you call the thing you're about to do exciting or scary. And that's why the reframing works, because there's no difference between you walking onto a stage and your heart racing, and your armpits sweating, and your throat being dry, and your stomach being... (applause) Oop, see? We are backstage. We're gonna let the applause die down. And your stomach being in knots, which is a situation that makes you nervous, or you going to a concert and your favorite brand... I can't wait to see Coldplay this fall. When they take that stage, let me tell you something. Right before they come on, I'm gonna have to pee. There are going to be pterodactyls in my stomach. My armpits are gonna be sweating. My heart's gonna be racing. But I'm excited because I said I'm excited. So, reframing works, and here's the really important reason why this matters. Not only are you not gonna freak yourself out by going, "Oh my God, I have a stomach that's in knots (...) , " which only increases how stressed you are, by the way. But by telling yourself you're excited, you stabilize yourself. Your thoughts don't race. And based on research from UCLA, from Dr. Judith Willis, your stress response doesn't impact your brain functioning, which means all that preparation of studying for the test or preparing for the speech or the presentation, you don't choke. You can tap into it. And so, I think they're getting close, so I gotta shortchange this science lesson right now. And I realize it's very elementary, but I want you to understand why you get butterflies, and it's not 'cause you're about to fuck up. It's because you're about to do something that you can do and that matters, so go frickin' do it, which is what I'm gonna do. Let's do this! All right, ladies, get ready, 'cause I'm about to come on stage. (music) Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
Episode duration: 59:20
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