How to Get What You Want Every Time: 3 Steps to Negotiate Anything With Anyone

1. 0:00 – 5:33

   Welcome

   1. KCKwame Christian0:00

      The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. The first and most important difficult conversation that we have to have is with ourselves, and that's what people miss. And if you take what we've learned today and put it into action, you're gonna improve your relationships, you're gonna improve your careers, and you're going to improve your life too.

   2. MRMel Robbins0:18

      Think of a situation in your life right now where there's either tension or there's some conversation you need to have at work, maybe with your boss, or there's a conversation that you need to have with a friend.

   3. KCKwame Christian0:31

      A lot of times, we hold back in these conversations because we say, "Oh, I don't want them to get mad." We're focusing completely on them and not focusing on the fact that we are hurt. There might be a situation where this person and you just, for whatever reason, don't mix, or they have a lot of growth to do. We have to have a conversation in order to discover what the truth is.

   4. MRMel Robbins0:48

      I have personally created a lot of conflict in my relationships because I wouldn't just lean in and be curious. When I first fell in love with my husband, Chris, and I remember when we got engaged, my mom was not as h- happy as I had wanted her to be. There was something so much deeper that was going on for her that I never even bothered to be curious about.

   5. NANarrator1:12

      Mm.

   6. MRMel Robbins1:12

      She was just sad that I had fallen in love with somebody who lived so far away. You know, we're all so afraid of each other's emotions, and if you're willing to just give the other person credit for being a human, there's this connection that's available, but we're so afraid of it. Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together, and if you're a new listener, I just wanna personally take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I am so happy that you're here. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode, here's what I know about you. You're the kind of person who values your time and you invest it in things that can help you improve your life, and you also know that you deserve more respect in your life, and you're here to learn how to get it. And if you're listening to this because someone shared this with you, well, here's what I wanna tell you. I think that's really cool because it means that you have someone in your life that loves you enough to remind you that you deserve to be respected and they wanted you to have this expert advice so that you can start to speak up and ask for what you need and negotiate the things that you want in life. And that's exactly what today's episode is all about, learning how to have hard conversations, because according to our expert today, the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And you may have good reasons for avoiding conversations that feel like a confrontation, but here's what you're gonna learn. Yes, yes, yes, you may want everyone to like you, but in life, it is so much more important to be respected, and that respect begins with you. See, right now, I just want you to stop and think. There's a situation that's bothering you, there's a conversation that you know you need to have, but you're avoiding it, and you probably have a really good reason for avoiding it. You hate confrontation. You just don't wanna deal with the drama. You're frustrated and you're annoyed and maybe you're worried that the conversation is not only not gonna work, it might just make things worse. Or maybe you're just the kinda person that cares a lot about what other people think. Well, here's what I'm gonna tell you. It is time for you to learn a simple three-step approach to having these kinds of conversations, because it is true, it's way more important that you learn how to be respected in life and you stop focusing on making sure everybody likes you and that everybody's happy with you. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna invite you to think about an area of your life where you're tolerating disrespect or you're not getting what you want or you're staying silent or you're just not getting the support that you need and deserve. Well, our guest today is gonna walk you through, step-by-step, these kinds of conversations in your life and how to start the conversation, how to diffuse the emotion, and how to get exactly what you want. Kwame Christian is recognized as one of the world's top negotiation experts, and he is also one of the most popular expert instructors on LinkedIn Learning. He's had 1.2 million people take his courses. He is the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. It's an organization that trains Fortune 500 companies on the art of navigating difficult conversations and the science of negotiating for success. He is also a lawyer and he is the host of Negotiate Anything, which is the world's top podcast on the subject of negotiation. He's also written this awesome book, Finding Confidence in Conflict, which is also about how you use the science of negotiation in your life to get what you want. And one other thing that I love about Kwame is that he's gonna take all this information and science and all these strategies and translate it into a three-step formula that you and I can apply in our lives, our relationships. Heck, we can apply it when we negotiate with our landlord over rent. And because he's also married to his college sweetheart for 14 years and is the father of two kids, these are also the exact same strategies that he and his wife use to work through all the difficult conversations that happen between a couple who are living together and raising a family.

2. 5:33 – 12:04

   How to Communicate More Confidently

   1. MRMel Robbins5:33

      Kwame Christian, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   2. KCKwame Christian5:36

      Thanks for having me.

   3. MRMel Robbins5:37

      I am so excited that you're here. And here's how I wanna start our conversation. I would love for you to speak directly to the person who is with us right now and tell them exactly what they might experience about their life that's different if they take everything to heart that you're about to share with us.... and teach us today, and they apply it to their life.

   4. KCKwame Christian6:05

      Well, the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And so, when you really think about it, and if- if we're honest with ourselves, most of us spend the majority of- of our lives avoiding these tough conversations. And I'm speaking from experience here, because I'm a recovering people pleaser.

   5. MRMel Robbins6:21

      You?

   6. KCKwame Christian6:21

      Yes. (laughs) Yes. And I think it's important to start there, too, because people look at me and they see, okay, Kwame's a confident communicator, a negotiation expert, and those types of things, but I wasn't born this way. I built myself this way, because confidence is a learnable skill, and really, when it comes to the way that I approach these difficult conversations, it's after years of doing it (laughs) the wrong way. And so, what I recognize is that the first and most important difficult conversation that we have to have is with ourselves, and that's what people miss. They focus on the conversations with other people, but we have to have that internal negotiation to figure out what it is that's holding us back and find our personal pathway to confidence. We have to figure out how to overcome the fear, the anxiety, the self-doubt, and all- all of the overthinking that can hold us back. And if people put this into their lives today, one difficult conversation at a time, they're gonna improve their relationships, their careers, and they'll put themselves in the best position to live the best version of their lives.

   7. MRMel Robbins7:23

      Kwame, there is so much that you just said. I wanna make sure that I highlight a couple things, because when you said, "I wasn't born this way, I built myself into the confident person that you see today," that, to me, is such an incredible thing that's available to all of us. And, you know, as you're listening, whether you're on your walk right now, or you're driving in your car, or you've got Kwame and I in your earbuds at work, like, the idea that you don't have to be born with confidence, but that you can build this skill, is incredible. And I also have to hover on the fact that you called yourself a recovering people pleaser, and not a lot of men say that. So, can you take us back in time to when you were a people pleaser and just talk about what you used to be like? Because I think that's really important, because I know that by the time we're done with this conversation, it's very clear you're confident. It's very clear you're an incredible communicator. It's very clear that you can probably out-negotiate anybody on the planet and be smiling at the same time, and I have no idea that I just literally gave in everything that you asked for-

   8. KCKwame Christian8:41

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins8:41

      ... and I didn't even realize it, Kwame. So, I would love to start with the moment in your life where it really kind of was that, "I am a people pleaser, I care what people think." What happened?

   10. KCKwame Christian8:55

       Yeah. So for me, I'm a first generation Caribbean American. My family's from the- the Caribbean. My dad's from Dominica, a very small tow- small island, and then, uh, my mom's from Guyana. And we moved to a small town called Tiffin, Ohio. And most people are saying, "Where is Tiffin?" That's the point. (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins9:12

       (laughs)

   12. KCKwame Christian9:12

       That is the point. And so, I was the only black kid in my school at the time. I had an accent, I was very different. And so, I remember one time on the playground during recess, just going to different groups, trying to get acceptance, trying to play with them. And so, I would go up to one group and say, "Hey, can I play with you?" And they would say, "No." And then I went up to another group and said, "Hey, can I play with you?" Same thing, they said, "No." And then time was running out, and I said, "Oh, hey, can I play with you all?" They said, "No." So, I was devastated, but I tried to keep it together.

   13. MRMel Robbins9:40

       Mm.

   14. KCKwame Christian9:40

       But then when I went inside and the teacher saw me, I just burst into tears, and she said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nobody would play with me." And so, I remember at that moment, I made a- I made a decision. I said, "I will never ever feel this way again. No matter what, people are gonna like me, people are gonna accept me, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get to that point." And so, when you look at it from the outside looking in, you can say, "Oh, well, Kwame was a success- success. Most popular kid in school, captain of the basketball team." Mel, I knew everybody in the school by name, literally by name, but they didn't recognize all the silent compromises I was making. When there was an opportunity to stand up for myself, I wouldn't do it. I would agree when I actually disagreed just to keep the peace. And so, I thought I was doing the right thing in order to collect all of these friends, but I wasn't stepping up and having the tough conversations that I needed, because I didn't want to risk the relationship. But for me, when I recognized that standing up for myself was a necessary part of what I wanted to be, w-

   15. MRMel Robbins10:40

       Mm-hmm.

   16. KCKwame Christian10:40

       ... my aspirations, I recognized I had to figure out how to get over it, and it was when I learned how to negotiate, that's when I recognized, "This is a skill, not just a talent. I can actually get better." And so, once I recognized that for myself, I wanted to put myself on this journey to help other people with the same thing.

   17. MRMel Robbins10:56

       So, there's a interesting thing that you said early on, where you said, "One of the most difficult conversations you need to have is the one that you need to have with yourself." And I think every one of us can relate to the story of just wanting to be liked, of staying silent 'cause you wanna keep the peace, of not having the hard conversation 'cause you don't want people to be pissed off or to, you know, not be your friend anymore. And what's interesting is that on the outside, you're the most successful kid in school, but on the inside, as you write in the introduction, that, you know, "I- it felt impossible to stand up for myself. This led me to agree when I disagreed and avoid confrontation at all costs. Our greatest weaknesses often lie in the shadows of our greatest strengths. Although I was gregarious, fun-loving, successful, and popular, I was completely lacking in confidence when it came to critical conversations in my life. I hated myself for it."

3. 12:04 – 33:07

   Stop Putting Everybody Else Above You

   1. MRMel Robbins12:04

      And I'd love for you to just talk a little bit...... about that tension because perhaps the first difficult conversation we're gonna talk about is how you're silently giving up on yourself, and if you could just speak directly to the person listening, particularly about that tension about wanting to be liked, and then how that backfires and not liking yourself. And so, if you could just kind of talk about what that feels like and what's actually possible if you really take in everything that you're about to teach us.

   2. KCKwame Christian12:42

      When you live your life like this, what you're doing is you're putting everybody else in front of yourself.

   3. MRMel Robbins12:48

      Mm.

   4. KCKwame Christian12:48

      You're putting everybody else above you. And so, you say, "It's more important for them to like me than it is for me to like myself." And so, you constantly make these compromises, and people like you, and so you're... it seems like you're winning. It... they would say that you're winning, and then you could say, "But this isn't... this is what I wanted."

   5. MRMel Robbins13:08

      Mm.

   6. KCKwame Christian13:09

      But then, at the same time, you're feeling that, that dissonance, where there's a discrepancy between what it is that you say you want and what it is that you really want. And so, a lot of times, we, we don't understand where society begins and we end, and vice versa. Because we might say, "Okay, society says have more friends. That's a good thing." But then, there's something inside of us that's saying something very, very different-

   7. MRMel Robbins13:32

      Mm.

   8. KCKwame Christian13:32

      ... and we don't know how to reconcile those differences. And so, that's why I say, the internal negotiation needs to happen. We have to start to honor the emotions that we're feeling, because a lot of times in negotiation and difficult conversations, and communication in general, we say emotions are the enemy. We have to try to minimize them, get rid of them. But really, emotions, in many ways, are our mind's way of telling us what really matters the most.

   9. MRMel Robbins13:57

      And we're gonna unpack this because I think today's conversation is an invitation to really look at where in your life you are putting other people ahead of you, where in your life you are staying silent, where in your life you are wanting to be liked or just wanting everybody to be happy, or wanting to keep the peace, and it's actually creating this turmoil inside of you because you silently know that you're giving up on yourself, or what you care about, or, you know, what you value. And there's, you know, one other thing that you write about in the introduction, where you say, "All this changed when my mentor told me something I'll never forget. He said, 'Kwame, there is a difference between being liked and being respected. If you want to have personal and professional success, you have to be willing to engage with conflict.'" And I'm presuming that's because your ability to say things that are difficult or to ask for what you need is how you gain respect.

   10. KCKwame Christian15:02

       Absolutely. Absolutely. And remember, it's not just the respect of others, but also the respect that you have for yourself, you know? And I remember, this was before I had the skills of how to have a difficult conversation, but I took those words to heart, and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna stand up for myself. I'm not just gonna go with the flow anymore." And so, I remember there was one conversation in undergrad. My parents gave me a car. I was very appreciative, and they said, "We have one rule, just one rule with the car. As long as you have friends in the car, and for yourself, everybody needs to wear a seatbelt." I thought that was fair. (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins15:33

       Very reasonable.

   12. KCKwame Christian15:34

       I thought that was fair. And so, I had, um, my friends in the car and we were going somewhere, and they did not want to wear their seatbelts. And I said, "No, this is the rule. We have to wear our seatbelts." And it became this standoff for 15 painful minutes, and they were just saying, "No, we're not wearing our seatbelts. This is silly," and then I, I wouldn't move the car. And then they said, "Okay, well, I guess Kwame's gonna be a baby about this. We're gonna go," right? But that wasn't the conversation. So after that happened, I pulled aside one of my friends, and I asked him a simple question. I said, "Why is it that you are my best friend, but it seems like you're the one who respects me the least?" I just asked that question, and he was silent for a moment, but then he started explaining himself, and then eventually apologized. And so, I recognized at that point, a lot of times the conversations go... are, are gonna be determined not by what it is that you actually say, but the quality of the questions that you ask. That question did all the work.

   13. MRMel Robbins16:31

       I love that you asked a question. "Why is it that, as my best friend, you respect me the least?"

   14. KCKwame Christian16:38

       Yeah, and-

   15. MRMel Robbins16:39

       Because you literally didn't accu... like, it's almost, it's so sneaky, Kwame.

   16. KCKwame Christian16:43

       (laughs)

   17. MRMel Robbins16:43

       Well, because for me, at like, if I were in that situation, where here I am giving friends a lift. They're now, like, arguing about some rule that I have, like, "Put your seatbelt on." It's a reasonable rule, and now they're calling you a baby, and you're taking it, and the old Kwame would just take it and not bring it up. But what's available to us today, in terms of what you're gonna teach us, is in those moments where you feel slighted or disrespected, or somebody is treating you in a way that is less than you deserve, how do you collect yourself and respect yourself enough to actually say something in a way that's effective? And asking that question, "Why is it that you're my best friend, but you respect me the least?" I could see using that with your partner.

   18. KCKwame Christian17:32

       Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins17:33

       I could see using that with your children.

   20. KCKwame Christian17:35

       Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins17:36

       I could see, like, 'cause I'm realizing as we sit here that my kids use that on me. They're like, "You know, Mom, you know, just because you're stressed out at work doesn't mean you should be taking it out on us. I wasn't at work today." And just that kind of question, "Why are you taking it out on me?" all of a sudden shines something on the other person without you engaging in conflict.

   22. KCKwame Christian17:58

       Absolutely. And the question does the work. That's the first thing. And then, I recognize that these conversations, these conflicts that we are trying to avoid are really relationship tests.

   23. MRMel Robbins18:09

       Mm.

   24. KCKwame Christian18:10

       Right? And so, a lot of times we live in fear of the person's reaction, but sometimes the person's reaction is the reason why the relationship needs to fundamentally change or end.

   25. MRMel Robbins18:20

       Well, let, let me... so let's just unpack that right there. So, a lot of times the person's reaction-So their emotional immaturity, the name-calling, the passive-aggressive response, the tantrums, their reaction that we live in fear of, that reaction is actually the reason why the relationship must change or it needs to end. Wow.

   26. KCKwame Christian18:40

       Exactly.

   27. MRMel Robbins18:40

       Unpack that for me.

   28. KCKwame Christian18:41

       Yeah. Because the reality is that when we think about this, uh, in terms of a relationship test, we are not just standing up for ourselves, but we're giving them an opportunity to let us know exactly where they should be placed in our lives.

   29. MRMel Robbins18:54

       Mm.

   30. KCKwame Christian18:55

       And so, the beautiful thing about the story that I told is that he's my best friend to this day. You know, we respect each other as equals now, and that was a really major fork-in-the-road moment. I don't even think he remembers this, Mel. I really don't. But it was pivotal to me, right?
4. 33:07 – 49:46

   How to Stop Letting Your Emotions Run the Show

   1. MRMel Robbins33:07

      Can you just explain in terms of your work, how do you describe the amygdala and what role does it play in getting yourself to have (laughs) a difficult conversation?

   2. KCKwame Christian33:19

      Yeah. The, the amygdala is the epicenter of all emotions, so both positive and negative emotions come from the amygdala. And since it's such a primal part of the brain, it is the fastest to respond.

   3. MRMel Robbins33:30

      Okay.

   4. KCKwame Christian33:30

      So before we can think logically about something, we will feel something emotionally. And so we want to compare that to the frontal lobe, which is the most evolved part of our brain. So we have logical reasoning, emotion management, executive function, all of that exists in the frontal lobe, and this is why understanding this matters so much-

   5. MRMel Robbins33:48

      Okay.

   6. KCKwame Christian33:48

      ... because there's an antagonistic relationship between the frontal lobe and the amygdala. The more emotional that we are, the less clearly we're thinking.

   7. MRMel Robbins33:56

      Mm-hmm.

   8. KCKwame Christian33:56

      The more clearly we're thinking, the less emotional we are. It's an either/or proposition. And so our goal with this approach as we negotiate internally and externally using compassionate curiosity, which we'll get to, is to make sure that we ourselves are using the proper point of our brain so we're actually operating at our best capacity, our highest capacity, and we can get the other person to operate with their best selves as well.

   9. MRMel Robbins34:23

      If I'm emotional-

   10. KCKwame Christian34:24

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins34:24

       ... how the hell do I start thinking clearly?

   12. KCKwame Christian34:26

       (laughs) And so this is where labeling your emotions come into play.

   13. MRMel Robbins34:30

       Okay.

   14. KCKwame Christian34:31

       So what we're going to do is we're going to label all of the emotions that we're feeling. Most likely, it's not just one. So for example, if we say, "Oh, I'm angry," anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary emotion. There's usually something else that makes us feel angry. So, "I'm angry. What else am I feeling? I'm feeling disrespected. Okay, what else? I'm also feeling disappointed," right?

   15. MRMel Robbins34:51

       Mm-hmm.

   16. KCKwame Christian34:51

       And so that'll be the first step of internal compassionate curiosity, so we're going to acknowledge and validate our own emotions, and then we're gonna get curious with compassion, asking, "Why I feel this way. Well, why do I feel disrespected? Why do I feel disappointed? Well, this person is supposed to be my friend. It doesn't feel like they're treating me as a friend right now. Okay." And then the last step is joint problem-solving within ourselves. "So I wanna figure out what would help me to feel better emotionally, but what should I actually do to solve this problem," right? And so that gives us the clarity to actually have the conversation.

   17. MRMel Robbins35:21

       All right. Well, let's take one of these topics, because, you know, I think it's... Uh, when you and I are talking and as you're listening to Kwame right now, it's easy to be less emotional-

   18. KCKwame Christian35:36

       Right.

   19. MRMel Robbins35:36

       ... right? 'Cause you're not standing in front of your mother-in-law.

   20. KCKwame Christian35:39

       (laughs)

   21. MRMel Robbins35:39

       You're not about to sit down and tell your friend that you have a real problem with the fact that they're actively cheating with somebody and it's bringing up a lot for you. And when you think about it or you're kind of just reflecting on it, you're not actually in the (laughs) conversation. A- and I've, I've had so many instances in my life where I've rehearsed it, "Okay, I'm gonna go in. I'm gonna talk to my boss about this," or, "I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna say this to my mom," and then I see them and I'm like, "Not today." And so can you learn to be less emotional? Because I often feel like it's easy to stay calm when I'm preparing for something, but the second I, it's time to do it and it's time to talk to my boyfriend or talk to my roommate, all reason goes out the window.

   22. KCKwame Christian36:29

       Yeah. Emotion management is a skill. Emotion management is, is a skill, and a lotta times we say, "Well, I'm not good at managing my emotions. My emotions are strong." You're probably not gonna be good at something that you haven't practiced, (laughs) right?

   23. MRMel Robbins36:42

       Yeah.

   24. KCKwame Christian36:43

       So we have to recognize that by just practicing it, we will get better at it, and it's really...... truly that simple, right? Because our emotions will hold us back. We need to find out how to manage our emotions before the conversation by preparing emotionally, but also during the conversation. So I'm gonna treat- treat it almost like an athlete, you know, how an athlete would do visualization.

   25. MRMel Robbins37:05

       Okay.

   26. KCKwame Christian37:05

       I wanna think about, in the conversation, if they say that thing that triggers me, what am I going to do? How am I going to respond? What am I going to say, right? If they say that thing that always annoys me, how am I going to approach this? So by the time I actually have the conversation, I've been there before. I've understood it, so it's less triggering in the moment. In the same way we described how compassionate curiosity works as we prepare, you can get faster with doing it in the conversation. So I'll give an example.

   27. MRMel Robbins37:31

       Okay.

   28. KCKwame Christian37:31

       So, a lot of times, not- not with Whitney, this would be weird, (laughs) but in a business world-

   29. MRMel Robbins37:35

       Okay.

   30. KCKwame Christian37:35

       ... when I'm having a difficult conversation, I'll usually have a, like a pen and paper with me. So let's say somebody says something disrespectful or throws me off or something, I'll just say, "You've brought up a lot of good points. You mind if I take a few notes?" And I'll take notes.
5. 49:46 – 55:28

   The 3-Step Framework for Any Difficult Conversation

   1. MRMel Robbins49:46

      And-

   2. KCKwame Christian49:46

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins49:46

      ... you know, that brings me back to those four questions, and one of them goes, "What will your life look like if you have this conversation and it goes poorly? Would you be able to recover?" Of course I would.

   4. KCKwame Christian49:55

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins49:56

      And, you know, the irony is, is that the very thing that I was worried about, which is judgment and distance, is what I created by not having the conversation.

   6. KCKwame Christian50:03

      Right.

   7. MRMel Robbins50:04

      And never even imagined, what would your life look like if you have the conversation and it goes well? What are the three steps to having a difficult conversation?

   8. KCKwame Christian50:14

      So, the framework we use is compassionate curiosity. It's a flexible, three-part framework where first, we're gonna acknowledge and validate the emotions if we see emotions from the other side, and then when we manage the emotions and we lower the emotional temperature of- of the room, then we're gonna move to step two, which is getting curious with compassion, asking open-ended questions with a compassionate tone to gather information, build rapport, and show empathy. And then number three is going to be using joint problem-solving, where we're not working against each other, but working with each other to solve the problem together.

   9. MRMel Robbins50:43

      I love that. Let's break it down step-by-step.

   10. KCKwame Christian50:45

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins50:46

       The three-part compassionate curiosity framework is the three parts I would do with myself, which is what you actually need to be doing-

   12. KCKwame Christian50:54

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins50:55

       ... because you're the one holding yourself back from saying something.

   14. KCKwame Christian50:57

       Yep.

   15. MRMel Robbins50:58

       And you're the one letting your emotions rob you of the opportunity to both respect yourself and have these conversations.

   16. KCKwame Christian51:06

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins51:06

       And it's also the same three steps you go through once you've done this for yourself to engage with the other person who may or may not be a jerk, or emotional, or whatever.

   18. KCKwame Christian51:16

       Mm-hmm. Exactly.

   19. MRMel Robbins51:17

       Okay.

   20. KCKwame Christian51:17

       And that's how you know it's ethical, because if I'm going to use the same technique on myself as I use on you, then you know there's nothing nefarious behind it.

   21. MRMel Robbins51:24

       Oh, that's true-

   22. KCKwame Christian51:25

       Right.

   23. MRMel Robbins51:25

       ... and it's not like a tactic, or a trick, or- or manipulation.

   24. KCKwame Christian51:28

       Nope.

   25. MRMel Robbins51:28

       Which, by the way, like, I think about the years I spent wanting to be liked and not respected.

   26. KCKwame Christian51:34

       Mm-hmm.

   27. MRMel Robbins51:34

       I think about the years that I, you know, was a people pleaser, which basically means, what I've come to terms with for myself is, when you're a people pleaser, you're manipulative.

   28. KCKwame Christian51:43

       Hmm.

   29. MRMel Robbins51:44

       Because you are behaving in a way that is intended to manipulate whether or not somebody likes you.

   30. KCKwame Christian51:52

       You're right.
6. 55:28 – 1:10:50

   How to Navigate Tough Conversations

   1. KCKwame Christian55:28

   2. MRMel Robbins55:28

      So the first step in any moment where you're triggered, or you're getting emotional, or you're recognizing that you're avoiding something-

   3. KCKwame Christian55:37

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins55:37

      ... or you're not asking for something, or you're going silent, or you're p- all of those things, is to name it to tame it because then we are gonna switch from emotion to thinking.

   5. KCKwame Christian55:47

      Exactly.

   6. MRMel Robbins55:48

      Okay, great.

   7. KCKwame Christian55:48

      Exactly.

   8. MRMel Robbins55:48

      So now I've named all this stuff, but I'm still-

   9. KCKwame Christian55:51

      Perfect.

   10. MRMel Robbins55:51

       ... stewing-

   11. KCKwame Christian55:52

       Yep. But you're feeling-

   12. MRMel Robbins55:53

       ... Kwame, in my bedroom.

   13. KCKwame Christian55:54

       ... a wee bit better.

   14. MRMel Robbins55:54

       A little bit better.

   15. KCKwame Christian55:55

       A wee bit better.

   16. MRMel Robbins55:55

       And I have not sent the text.

   17. KCKwame Christian55:56

       And now we get to step two.

   18. MRMel Robbins55:57

       Okay, what's step two?

   19. KCKwame Christian55:58

       And so this is where we get curious with compassion.

   20. MRMel Robbins56:00

       Okay.

   21. KCKwame Christian56:01

       So now we're gonna go through those labels and say, "Well, why do I feel that way?" And label all of the reasons why. So why do you feel so upset? Let's actually list all the reasons why.

   22. MRMel Robbins56:12

       Oh, it could be I'm, I'm so upset because I work really hard and I have a much bigger job than that person, and-

   23. KCKwame Christian56:17

       Mm-hmm.

   24. MRMel Robbins56:18

       ... meaning the stress level, and I've got more bills that I need to pay, and I've asked about this before, and I've been told that it wouldn't happen, and why do I need to ask again? And I need my sleep.

   25. KCKwame Christian56:31

       Exactly. You see? See how long it took you to get to sleep, right?

   26. MRMel Robbins56:35

       Hmm.

   27. KCKwame Christian56:35

       So we think it's about the sleep. It is about (laughs) so much more than the sleep. And as we get clarity and understanding, we're starting to calm down. We're not gonna get to a point where it's completely emotionless.

   28. MRMel Robbins56:47

       Right.

   29. KCKwame Christian56:47

       But we're getting to a point where the emotions are manageable, and at least we get some clarity that makes us feel a little bit more confident.

   30. MRMel Robbins56:53

       Okay.
7. 1:10:50 – 1:12:25

   How to Negotiate and Lower Your Rent

   1. MRMel Robbins1:10:50

      So, Kwame, I wanted to ask you a couple specific scenarios, and these are where you might feel like you don't have any power. My daughter was recently looking for an apartment in New York City, and the rental market is so flipping competitive. So how do you negotiate rent when you're in a very competitive market?

   2. KCKwame Christian1:11:10

      So I think we need to understand what landlords want, because usually we just say money, and that's only part of the answer. Landlords want easy money. They want tenants that are not gonna be a problem, who pay on time, who don't destroy the property. And so one thing that I like to do in a situation like this is when I'm talking to the landlord, I'd say, "Hey, I have a question. If you could imagine the perfect tenant, what would that perfect tenant look like?" And I'd have-

   3. MRMel Robbins1:11:35

      I bet nobody's ever even asked them.

   4. KCKwame Christian1:11:37

      (laughs) Right. Never, right? They'll, they'll list those things out. And I said, "Hey, my goal is to be the perfect tenant for you, and I want to see if this could be a place where I can stay long term. So what would it take for us to lower the rent, and in return, I will be that perfect tenant?" And now we start the conversation, right? Maybe they want a longer lease term. Maybe it's helpful to them to say, "Oh, I don't need to worry about turning this over every 12 months. If you give me 18 months or two years, I'd be willing to l- lower it," right? So we figure out what their biggest gripe is, what's their biggest annoyance, and say, "Hey, I promise not to do that. I'll be the easiest tenant you've ever had." And even better, bonus points, if you can get references from previous landlords who say, "This was the best tenant I've ever had," right? So it's not just you blowing smoke. They actually know it's real.

   5. MRMel Robbins1:12:24

      Amazing

8. 1:12:25 – 1:15:23

   The Conversation That Changes Your Paycheck

   1. MRMel Robbins1:12:25

      answer. All right, let's say you've landed a new job-

   2. KCKwame Christian1:12:27

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins1:12:28

      ... and you wanna negotiate the offer. What is the best way to do that, Kwame?

   4. KCKwame Christian1:12:33

      Number one, do your research. So what I want you to do is figure out what the market price is and find data that could substantiate a higher market price. So let's just use a flat number to make it easy. So let's say the offer they give you is 100,000.

   5. MRMel Robbins1:12:46

      Mm-hmm.

   6. KCKwame Christian1:12:46

      You wanna get to 110. What you wanna do is find data where you can say, "Hey, my hope is that we could get to 120,000. What would it take for me to get there?" And now what you've done is you've given yourself a little bit of wig- wiggle room. Now remember, when they are giving you these offers, they're expecting you to negotiate. They build that into the offer.

   7. MRMel Robbins1:13:05

      Wait a minute.

   8. KCKwame Christian1:13:06

      Yes. (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins1:13:06

      I don't think people believe that.

   10. KCKwame Christian1:13:08

       Yes.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:13:09

       So the offer that you get, the employer is expecting that you will come back.

   12. KCKwame Christian1:13:14

       Absolutely. And in some cases, depending on what your occupation is, you might actually lose respect...... by not negotiating, right? If I'm a lawyer, or a consultant, a salesperson and I don't negotiate, then they're gonna say, "If this person doesn't negotiate for themselves, how can I trust them to negotiate on behalf of this company?"

   13. MRMel Robbins1:13:32

       Mm.

   14. KCKwame Christian1:13:33

       Right? And so, just have that confidence, because this is also a relationship test, just like anything else. Because depending on how they respond to your negotiation, you might recognize, "Ooh, this is a little bit toxic. I don't like that." But usually, the worst that can happen is no. Remember, you have more leverage at that point than you realize, 'cause they're only giving the offer to you. They've told you that you are their best choice right now, and if they give you just a little bit more, then you will actually choose them too.

   15. MRMel Robbins1:14:03

       What about if you want to position yourself and successfully negotiate for a title promotion or a salary promotion where you currently work?

   16. KCKwame Christian1:14:14

       The problem with these negotiations is that they fail because we don't start soon enough.

   17. MRMel Robbins1:14:18

       Mm.

   18. KCKwame Christian1:14:18

       If you want a promotion and you want more money, you need to start that process probably three to six months in advance. So first, you're gonna have a meeting with your manager and ask for feedback on your performance. "What am I doing well? What am I doing poorly? How can I improve?" You're going to document that conversation and follow it up so everybody knows what those metrics are. And then you're gonna have a conversation a few months later and say, "Hey, thanks for the feedback. You said I should improve in these types of ways. I wanted to let you know that I have improved in these types of ways, and I have a question. My goal is to stay at this company long-term. What would it take for me to get a promotion? What more do I need to do?" Right? And then they'll give you those data points, and now three months later, you say, "Hey, I did these things. Now, what I'd like is this." And so by laying the foundation months in advance, you're putting yourself in a much better position to succeed.

   19. MRMel Robbins1:15:05

       That's great advice, 'cause I think the mistake that I've made in my career, and that as an employer, I see people making over and over, is that just expecting that you're doing a good job in the job is the reason you're getting promoted.

   20. KCKwame Christian1:15:18

       Right.

   21. MRMel Robbins1:15:18

       And the hard truth that you need to hear is, "No, that's the reason you're getting paid."

   22. KCKwame Christian1:15:22

       (laughs) Exactly.

9. 1:15:23 – 1:19:46

   Why You're Fighting About Laundry (and What to Do Instead)

   1. KCKwame Christian1:15:23

   2. MRMel Robbins1:15:23

      Let's talk about in a relationship. Doing the laundry, helping with dishes, not being such a slob.

   3. KCKwame Christian1:15:32

      (laughs)

   4. MRMel Robbins1:15:34

      So, Kwame, your wife called me.

   5. KCKwame Christian1:15:36

      (laughs)

   6. MRMel Robbins1:15:36

      And she would like to know, what do you do when you live with somebody who's a slob, or they don't do their dishes, or you wish they would help with the laundry, or just generally help with the kids or around the house? How do you negotiate effectively?

   7. KCKwame Christian1:15:56

      So in those, those situations, you need to share your experience, because a lot of times, what is obvious to you is not obvious for somebody else. Because they're so focused on other things, that they miss some of the things that seem very obvious to you.

   8. MRMel Robbins1:16:09

      Mm.

   9. KCKwame Christian1:16:10

      So, you could say, "Hey, just out of curiosity, have you noticed this?" And you might be shocked (laughs) the- that the answer might actually be no, right? And what we have to recognize is that different people feel different things for different reasons, because for- in the relationship with me and Whitney, Whitney is a lot more sensitive to mess than I am. And so once she explained how it makes her feel that she's having these messes, that I was having these messes or making them, I recognized, hey, for the sake of the relationship, I need to start investing in this way. So, I was not aware of the level of invisible work that she was doing.

Episode duration: 1:22:23