The Mel Robbins PodcastHow to Have the Best Sex of Your Life: Even if You Are Tired, Single… or Not in the Mood
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,100 words- 0:00 – 5:10
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
(ticking clock) (upbeat music) Would you like to have better sex and more pleasure in your life? Of course you do. Do you feel like it's been so long since you've had sex that you can barely spell the word sex? And here's what I want you to know. You're not alone. This is why we need this conversation today. You and I need to bring more pleasure, and more fun, and more confidence into our lives, and into the bedroom, and into our sex lives. And Dr. Emily is gonna show us how. And don't you worry, this is not gonna get embarrassing, because I am gonna go first. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Okay, before we jump into our conversation today, I want to start by giving a huge shout-out to my therapist, who's a woman named Anne Davin. This episode was inspired by a conversation that she and I were having a couple weeks ago, where we were on the phone and I was in the middle of a therapy session, and I said to her, I said, "You know, Anne, one of the things that I'd really like to work on with you in my life is my sex life. I would love to have a breakthrough with my husband Chris. And here's the deal. I feel so connected to him. Thankfully, I am very attracted to him. But if I'm honest, I'm just not that satisfied with our sex life. And the truth is, neither is he. I mean, we've been together 29 years, so we both have our moves, we know what to expect, we'd both like to ha- be having more sex and not feel so tired. And I would also like to think that I could make this next chapter of my life the best sex of my entire life. That, I mean, wouldn't that be awesome if you knew that on the road ahead of you is the best sex, is the most pleasure?" And so here's what my therapist, Anne Davin, said. "Mel, you got to reach out to Emily Morris." I'm like, "Emily Morris? Who is Emily Morris?" She said, "Dr. Emily. She's been hosting the hit podcast Sex With Emily for almost 18 years." And so guess what, everybody? Thank you, Anne Davin, because I reached out to Dr. Emily, and Dr. Emily is here. And not only does she host that hit podcast Sex With Emily, she has a PhD in human sexuality. She is one of the most respected and cited sex experts in the world. Her new book is Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. And you and I, we have an appointment with her today. And don't you worry, this is not gonna get embarrassing, because I am gonna go first. I'm your friend. I'm the loudmouth, embarrassing one. I'll ask all the questions that you're afraid to ask, and I will share way more information about my sex life with my husband than probably you or he is comfortable with. Here's why. Because I'm on a mission to help both you and me create a brand-new relationship and amazing chapter with our sexual health and pleasure, period. You and I deserve more pleasure in our life. And what I love about Dr. Emily is that she says better sex isn't about complicated positions, or messy lube, or getting kinky, unless you're into that kind of stuff. Dr. Emily says, "Better sex is really about your relationship with yourself, because great sex begins by taking responsibility for the fact that you're responsible for your own sexual pleasure." In order to prepare for the conversation with Dr. Emily today, I first talked to my husband Chris and I asked him for permission to speak openly about what is missing in our sex life, other than sex. That's a joke. (laughs) And Chris graciously said, "Mel, if it is gonna lead to better sex, you can talk about whatever the hell you want." But I also reached out to all of you, and I wanted to know, do you have questions? Would you like to have better sex and more pleasure in your life? Of course you do. Do you feel like it's been so long since you've had sex that you can barely spell the word sex? And here's what I want you to know. You're not alone. Whatever questions you have, whatever desires you have, whatever shame you feel, whatever hang-ups you're holding secret, I'm telling you, there are other listeners around the world that are dealing with the exact same thing. And I know this because within 24 hours, 3,500 of you sent questions. This is why we need this conversation today. You and I need to bring more pleasure, and more fun, and more confidence into our lives and into the bedroom and into our sex lives. And Dr. Emily is gonna show us how. So please help me welcome Dr. Emily to the Mel Robbins podcast. Dr. Emily!
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hello, Mel Robbins. I'm so excited to talk to you.
- MRMel Robbins
I am so excited to finally meet you and to talk to you as well. It's been a long time coming.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I feel that, I do.
- MRMel Robbins
Awesome. Well, as a woman who's been married for 27 years-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... I feel like my sex life could use a reboot. It's not that there's anything wrong with it per se, but I just feel like at any moment in time,
- 5:10 – 6:07
Great sex starts here first.
- MRMel Robbins
any one of us is capable of creating a brand-new chapter around our sexual health, around sexual pleasure, and that's why I wanted to talk to you.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. Well, I think this is a, a great conversation to have. Um, just so you know, that's completely normal and typical that most people in a relationship could use a little tune-up when it comes to their sex life. And it's funny, Mel, because you know, if you think about it, other areas of our life, right? We want to get our health, we want to optimize our health. And we'll start to mix up our routine, and we'll start lifting weights and doing cold plunge. I know-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... you do those things. Sauna. But with sex, we kind of are in the dark, literally, and we don't really know what to do to make it a little bit more interesting and vibrant. So we'll certainly get into all of that today.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I want to bring in the listener, because they are our kind of co-pilot on this episode. And I asked five million (laughs) of our Instagram fans, "Do you want to create
- 6:07 – 9:52
Can you relate with these sex questions from our listeners?
- MRMel Robbins
a new chapter in your sex life? And what would that look like?" And so I want to read some of them to you, Dr. Emily. "Hot and steamy."Just feeling like having sex would be a good new chapter. "How can I be more in the mood and want to do it more?" "Adventurous." "No reminder of being a mom." "Feel great about my flabby body." "H- having sex in public without getting caught." "Less angst," "More fire," "Having more passionate sex." I mean, we've got pages and pages.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"Safe and calm." "That once in a while it would be with a person rather than a toy." "Soul connection." "My husband could be more active and enthusiastic about seducing me to do things." "No judgment, feeling comfortable." "Spicy," "Passionate," "A twist of humor." "Build a connection where the partnership has been distant." "How to love, feel sexy with the light on and not blaring." "Build fun connection or even some kink." "I'd like to feel safe and be able to express myself." "I'd like to get out of my head and communicate my desires."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"I'd like to have great sex, period, because at the end of every day, I feel out-touched, out-talked, and outdone. I'm too tired."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Can-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Wow.
- MRMel Robbins
...we create a new chapter despite all of these things that so many of us feel, Dr. Emily?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. Absolutely, Mel, and in fact, I think that we're gonna address so many of, of your listeners today, and I know that we will be able to create a new chapter. We all can. It's all available to us. You know, it's sort of a... It's a complete myth that we all believe that great sex happens automatically. We should magically always have great sex, and that if we talk about sex or we have to work on sex, we're gonna rob it of its magic. So then, we go through life thinking like, "Well, it should be as wonderful it was in the beginning 'cause that's why we mate," right? That's why we pick a partner 'cause we have this really, you know, NRE or new relationship energy in the beginning of a relationship. And then we get into a relationship and we're, you know, we know that something's off. It's not as interesting as it was. Maybe we want something different from... than our, you know, from our partner, but we don't know how to talk about it. We don't know how to ask for it. And when we look around, there's not a lot of great information, and then a lot of us just decide to remain silent, and we silently suffer through really disappointing, not pleasurable sex. And so that's really my mission, is to make (laughs) sex easier to talk about and to normalize that we're all having these challenges. I mean, your listeners were so articulate and vulnerable and real about it, but that is more common than not. If we're in a long-term relationship, we're gonna have some challenges, and we wanna keep it hot.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, and I also want to pull in all of you who are single because you're-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
...writing in too, saying, "How can I be self-expressed and feel safe when I'm having sex as a single person?" "How can I get rid of the shame and orgasm when I feel, based on being raised Catholic, that sex is supposed to only be enjoyed in marriage?" And so, one of the themes that I saw consistently from all of you who poured in questions and comments about what you wanted out of your sex life and what's holding you back is shame, is overthinking-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
...and is the inability to ask for what you want, and so, you know, is that basically what you see, Dr. Emily, in your work with people and in the books that you research and write?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yes, absolutely. So I call them the pleasure thieves, Mel,
- 9:52 – 17:01
The 3 elements that kill our desire to connect.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
and it's stress, trauma, and shame. And these three things are the biggest killers of our sex life, our sex drive, our ability to be adventurous and connected. And so we can go through them real quick. I mean, I think that stress, for example... This is the thing that's always really surprising, that we tend to silo sex. We put sex over here, and then we think about our overall health and our wellness and our relationships, but we just kind of think, "Well, hopefully, like, the sex will just, you know, fix itself," or, "It's not really related to everything else going on in my life." But if we have stress, and we have anxiety in our life, and, like, who doesn't, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Yup.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
We somehow think it's not gonna creep its way into the bedroom. But we can't live in a state of spiked cortisol, right, and also live with pleasure. Like, it's really hard when we are in our heads, and we're worried and we're anxious, to also feel arousal and desire. They, they cancel each other out. So until we can find practices to learn to calm ourselves and calm our nervous systems and just address it... And I've got a lot of tips in my book, Smart Sex, and in my podcast I've been doing. It's everywhere. I mean, I talk about this all the time. So the big... Number one is stress and anxiety, and we have to understand that our physical health and our mental health directly impact our ability to have pleasure-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
...in the bedroom.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, I want you to stop right there-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
...because I think already you are starting to get at really important things that we need to accept as fact in order to really reimagine what role sex is playing in your life and what you want out of it, and I resonated with what you said because, you know, I think about in my own situation with my husband, who I love. I am still extraordinarily attracted to him. We are both very much, uh, healthy, sexual, loving human beings. We even are sexting, you know, more than we ever had after 27 years of marriage, but here's the problem. I'll wake up, I'll be thinking about him, and I'll literally be like, "All right, tonight, you and me, clothes off-"
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"...we are having fabulous fucking sex," and he's like, "Yes."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) I love it.
- MRMel Robbins
And then the whole day goes by, and Chris...... climbs in bed first, and I'm like, "All right, I'll see you in a minute," and then he falls asleep within five minutes. And by the time I walk in there, I'm freaking exhausted, and he's got his eye mask on and his retainer in, and I'm about to put mine in.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And I'm too tired. And that is the killer of-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Ugh.
- MRMel Robbins
... why I just don't feel in the mood. And it's killing the amount of times that we have sex. And so maybe we should start at the top.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Which is, is there a secret to having the best sex of our lives on the road ahead of us?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
How do we do this, Dr. Emily?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Oh, absolutely. Okay, so first, that is so relatable, Mel, that we, we think we're going to do it tonight.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And we get in bed and we're all exhausted, okay? We have kids. We work. But again, what we're going to get into shortly is like everything we know about sex that we've ever learned, if we've ever learned anything, is pretty much untrue, not accurate, not healthy, and not really how we're supposed to have sex. So we have to troubleshoot here, because a lot of couples get into the situation that you do where they think like, "Well, we're going to do it on date night," or, "We're going to do it this night." And what I really talk about is I get people to say what time of day works for you and your partner. Because really, you have to kind of hack it. And one of my top tips is scheduling sex, but in a realistic way. Because you know probably now like that wasn't the first time that that's happened, but in the morning you were super gung-ho. You're like, "We're going to do it tonight," and then the, you know, the day gets ahead of you. But to really think, okay, we, Chris and I, you could say to your husband, "We, we prioritize sex. We think it's important, so let's take the time to figure out." Maybe it's Saturday mornings. Maybe it's like we know the kids are out. We... it's before our workout or before our lunch. "We're going to do it on Saturday." And then the beautiful thing about scheduling sex is you don't have this guilt on Wednesday morn- on Wednesday evening and then Thursday when it did happen, it didn't happen, 'cause you know that it's going to be Saturday morning or whatever time you decide is the optimal time for both of you to have sex. I find in relationships there's usually a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner, and you... the lower desire partner does kind of hold the power in the relationship 'cause they're the one that's deciding when-
- MRMel Robbins
True.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... the sex is going to happen. And so, so if that's the case, just having a conversation saying, "Listen, I know that I want you. I don't want you to feel bad and rejected," because eventually the person who's always initiating starts to feel that they're not desired. There's something wrong with them. Their partner no longer finds them attractive. We create so many stories in our head because we don't really want to say to our partner, "Hey, can I check a story with you? I've been feeling like you're really not in the mood lately." And so, you know, we're going to get in some tips about that, but, but really it's just about being practical, being realistic. And Mel, here's the thing is that most couples believe that sex is sort of this magical thing that we don't really understand. We're going to close our eyes in the dark and hope for the best 'cause we don't really understand arousal, desire, what has to be in place for the sex to happen, right? Like what is getting, what is the-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... getting, getting in the way, right? So we just have... there's so many factors, Mel, that like we don't... Like for me, if my house is freezing, if the dishes are, you know, still in the dishwasher, if we hear the kids in the next room, we haven't texted our boss back. Like there's so many factors, right? So we just have to really look at it and be realistic.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I love what I've already taken away, which is it's nearly impossible to get yourself into a high arousal state if you're in a stress state right now. And that is a really big takeaway. And there was something else that you said, that everything that you've been taught or learned or absorbed about sex is basically wrong.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And so what do we have wrong about sex, Dr. Emily?
- 17:01 – 20:28
Let’s unpack our lady parts. What exactly is a vulva?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
men are like frying pans and women are like slow cookers.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) So you use the term penis owner, which would be Chris, and vulva. I thought you said Volvo, and I was thinking wait-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... the cars we drive, but you're talking about the vulva. And can I just ask a question-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
The vulva.
- MRMel Robbins
... about that term?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Please.
- MRMel Robbins
Why are you saying vulva and not vagina?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay, so that is such a great question. So the vulva is the external part of the vagina.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And that is where the magic happens for so many vulva owners. Like that's where our s- that's where we're going to get more aroused. We are not going to have the most orgasms from a penis going inside of us or really from anything. Now some women do, but it's only 20% are going to have an orgasm through a penis going inside them.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, hold on. I want everybody to just hear that. Well, I just want to stop there, and I know I'm now going to get criticism for interrupting you, but I have to have-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
No.
- MRMel Robbins
... every single vulva owner hear that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
I, I feel like we have been sold a bill of goods that you're supposed to orgasm when there's something inside of you. And what you are here to say, Dr. Emily, as the expert in this area, is that only 20% of vulva owners actually have an orgasm when there is something inside of you.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And that the erectile tissue is on the outside, and now we're looking at where we need to focus, correct?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm. Correct.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Thank you for clarifying it. There's also internal... Now, a lot of them start on the outside. There are internal clitoral nerves. We call it the G-spot. There's a lot of sensitive parts inside, but the magic is on the outside. It's like how you have to, like, warm up, right? You have to warm up your car. I know we're both from... Grew up in Michigan, right? I always think about how you had to warm up your car and scrape the ice off the window before, and then you could start driving.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
So when something just goes inside of us, we're not warmed up yet. We're not turned on. And this goes back, and I want to go back to the orgasm thing, but first to finish the responsive and the spontaneous. What happens a lot for vulva owners is our partner who has a spontaneous reaction to seeing us naked or to seeing us in the kitchen or whatever we're doing, and maybe your partner, Chris, will grab you and say, "I'm in the mood," and you're thinking, "I just have 16 windows open on my computer. I was about to walk out the door." Like, there is nothing about me that is aroused and turned on right now. But sometimes women, feeling like we're broken or we should do something, we acquiesce and we say, "Okay, let's get to it."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Then how the sex goes down is usually the partner's like, "Okay, well I'm turned on. I'm erect. I spontaneously have this erection and I'm gonna put it inside of you and we're gonna have sex for seven minutes until I have an orgasm."
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
So the things that are untrue is that thinking that we should have an orgasm every time, but since no one... We have a lot of inaccurate information-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... we don't even think to do the research. Now, my career started because I was in my mid 30s thinking, "What is wrong with me? Why aren't I having orgasms like my partner is? He's always having a good time, but what's going on with me?" And I found there wasn't a lot of information out there. And so I think once we get the accurate information and we all educate ourselves, because again, there's so much, you know, misinformation. We don't require sex education in America at all. Only like 17 states require sex education to be medically accurate, if we teach it at all. So we're all walking around with like, you know, misinformation about even how we get turned on and our bodies. And so
- 20:28 – 24:17
One big reason why we are all being disserviced as young adults.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
we grew up with movies where you see the man and woman come together and they make out, they fall into the bed, and then they come at the same time, and it's only heterosexual couples we see having sex. I mean, I think it's just also the definition of sex, um, being just based on penetration goes back to, you know, religion and society, and we're told that we should only have sex if we wanna have a baby and this is the only position to have sex. You can just see how fraught sex has become and how much m- you know, that's just the tip of the iceberg of the information that's really not correct.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. You know what we need to do, I think? I think we need to say that this conversation today is going to hit the reset on all of that-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and my mission is to arm us all with the information that you need that is factual, that is driven by your health and self-expression, and by having more connection in your life and more pleasure in your life, because as you were just talking, I was thinking to myself, well, even if you do have sex education, which I believe every human being needs, you're literally learning about the physical piece of it. You're not learning about the pleasure, the self-expression, the confidence, the boundaries, the communication piece of it.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so pleasure is left entirely out of the mix, and because we don't talk about our bodies or about sexuality openly in our culture, and this, this conversation is gonna reach people in 194 countries around the world-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... anywhere anyone who's growing up where there is a shaming or a should or a-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... set of rules around what's right in your culture versus, you know, what you as a consenting adult may want to create for pleasure that is going to make you feel shame. And so what... Let's start with the actual basics so that we can all, from this point forward, own our relationship with sex and pleasure in our life, whether we're single, whether we're married, whether we're in our late teens or we're nearing our deathbed.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
What is the purpose, beyond having babies, for having a s- a healthy sex life and why does it matter?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. It's really important to have a relationship with ourselves, our bodies. We can give our bodies, like, so much pleasure and connection and so it's really part of our overall wellness, our mental health, our physical health. And so sex is important because it's like if we're in a relationship, we want to be intentional and conscious and, you know, really giving lovers, right? We want to, you know... I- I- it's why we're with somebody romantically, otherwise we're just roommates. We, we require intimacy and touch to... You know, it, it also... All this stuff is really great for our nervous system and I think... I know with all of the shame and misinformation, we sort of are all not really sure what, what to do. We know that it's important, but we don't really know how to, how to, how to make it happen in a way that, that feels good. So masturbation is a huge part. I call it solo sex.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
It is a... Yeah. Solo sex is a really important part about being sexually healthy as well. It is the most primary relationship. The more we get comfortable pleasing ourselves and experimenting with what feels good, then we know our
- 24:17 – 29:08
I love the empowering name Dr. Emily gives for masturbation.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
turn-ons, what kind of touch we require to get in the mood. It's really creating the owner's manual for our own bodies, so then we can share that with a partner. And I often hear people say, "Oh, well, I don't need to masturbate because I'm in a relationship," or, "I'll wait till I meet a partner because they're gonna..." You know, "I'll wait till that happens, but right now I'm just gonna sit home alone and do nothing."And the problem with that is, number one, we tend to associate then sex with a partner. We're giving our sexual partner power away. We're saying, "Well, I can't feel any pleasure in my body until I meet somebody that's going to give it to me." And we are re- but I have to always remind people, we are responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms. That's number one. Number two, we often feel that it's shameful. So we grew up in an environment, again which we talked about, where we were told that masturbation, maybe you're going to go blind.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
You're going to be a bad, you're going to go to hell. You know, you're going to feel bad about touching ourselves. So we have to get over the shame around masturbation, and the other reason why it's important, and let me just say this, whether you're in a relationship or not, because I also hear people in relationships say, "Well, you know, I don't want my partner to masturbate, or feel, masturbate, it feels like cheating, or I hide in the basement," and we can get to that part in a second. But the third theme why it's important to have a relationship with our bodies in this way is the self-acceptance. So if we're walking around all day and we're not loving our body, we're not, we're sending it negative messages, "I can feel my thighs rubbing together, I've gained weight, I don't feel sexy," and then we're not touching our bodies at all, and then we get into the bedroom with somebody and we're wondering why we can't be present, aroused, turned on, intentional, it's 'cause the negative self-talk. So those are some reasons why it's, you know, very important to connect with our bodies and give ourselves pleasure. You know, it's sex with somebody we love and that is ourselves. So I (laughs) I have a lot of tips for that too to get started, to, to learn to feel good about it. I encourage couples to do it-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... you know, together.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's stay with this.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Because what I'm gathering is that for everybody listening, the access to a brand new chapter in your life filled with pleasure and the kind of sexual experiences that you want begins with you and solo sex.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And for me personally, you know, I, I just will speak very openly about this. You know, I lost my virginity when I was really young, and I think part of the sort of shame around sex comes from feeling like we were going to get caught, like it was something that you have to squeeze in and you do it in secret and nobody can hear you. And I kind of carried that into college years and law school years, and I was never somebody that understood that masturbation was important. I didn't know how to do it. When I tried it in my 20s, as lame as that sounds, I actually could not make myself have an orgasm. So I basically just kind of gave up, and it wasn't until I was given my first kind of vibrating thing from my bachelorette party that I was like, "Oh, wait a minute. This is-" (laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hello.
- MRMel Robbins
"... easy. Okay. Wow." Why, why, wh- why, why, why, you know, and, and again, I'm 55 and I, there just wasn't the information available.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Like there was so much shame, so much just secrecy around it, and I even feel that way about solo sex now. Like I feel, not like I'm cheating on Chris, but like I'm doing something wrong if I'm in our bedroom alone and I'm using one of my vibrating toys.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And that I'm d- like that there's something wrong. Like I literally wait until I hear his truck leave the driveway, and then I'm like, "Oh, okay. It's okay to do that now."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I just saw your eyes go wide.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
No, I did. Thank you for, first off, thank you for, for sharing that, Mel, 'cause that's so, first of all, that's so relatable and so common, and I was much like you, Mel. I didn't masturbate or have an orgasm until I got a vibrator in my mid-20s. So there's literally no shame in having a vibrator. Vibrators have also been shamed. We think, and, and this still, I, all the time, male partners will say, "Well, I think it's going to replace me and it's somehow, you know, cheating on me," or, "We should just be having it the natural way, which is penis goes in vagina," but we've already talked about, debunked that how it doesn't work. And the glorious thing about having a vulva is that we have 12,000
- 29:08 – 33:24
There are thousands more nerve endings in a clitoris than once believed!
- EMDr. Emily Morse
nerve endings externally and internally in our clitoris, our clitoral network. And Mel, here's a funny thing. When I was in the middle of writing my book, Smart Sex, just last year, for years, I've been doing this for 20 years, I've been saying the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. We all say that, 8,000, got 8,000 nerve endings. The circumcised penis has 4,000. Come to find out, 'cause we finally are studying women's sexual health and women's bodies, we've got 12,000 nerve endings. So of course like with a vibrator, it's, we can m- we get all these, it's really hard to stimulate. So you use something vibrating, it feels amazing, and more women are likely to have orgasms that way. And the cool thing about it, we can get into this how maybe you and Chris could play together with it, it's, it could become a really intimate act that couples share together and actually enhance intimacy.
- MRMel Robbins
I really think it's important because this is a deep point, everyone. If you don't know how to delight in your body and if you don't know what turns you on, is it fair to say you will almost never be able to communicate what you need and what you like with whatever partner you end up having?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah, absolutely. Until we understand our own owner's manual, what actually feels good, and take a mirror and look between our legs.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh my god, I don't want to do that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I can't... I can't-
- MRMel Robbins
Why, why do I have to do that?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I know, Mel. (laughs) Because that's how we're going to understand.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
'Cause then you understand like, oh wow, look, the left part of my clitoris is more sensitive than the right.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't, I don't think I would do that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
This is-
- MRMel Robbins
Really?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
You mean, you got to look at it?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yes.You got to take a look. Yeah. It really... It's a way of connecting. And then once you do that, you're like, "Oh, wow, I notice when I start to stroke my clitoris, my vulva, my labia, look, it becomes more swelled, engorged. It becomes engorged with blood." And that's when you start to see it changes and you're like, "Oh, wow, and now I'm learning how to give myself an orgasm." And so we want to be our own best advocates for everything, right, in our life. We like stand up to our doctors, or our bosses, or whatever. But with sex, we're like, "You can figure it out."
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Or just go a little up to the right there. Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Or you're inching them down or you're like ki- trying to-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... gently position their face in a different direction.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) Right. But honestly, I used to believe, Mel, someday my prince will come and so will I.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
That was my motto. I'm like, "He's going to ride up on a horse and that's what's going to happen," until I took it into my own hands.
- MRMel Robbins
I think it's really important to unpack the discomfort I feel on behalf of everybody listening.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Please do, Mel. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, because, you know-
- 33:24 – 36:21
Why are women so uncomfortable about asking for what we need?
- MRMel Robbins
and hit like 10:00 on the clock." (laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) Oh, Mel, it's so real. I love it. Don't miss me. You are so not alone. Well, at least you know how to tell time with your vulva now.
- MRMel Robbins
See-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
See, that's progress.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Some people don't even know that, Mel. Some people don't even know the ten and the two. So you're getting somewhere.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm getting somewhere.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Oh my God, Mel, e- everyone feel... This is so... This is more common than not.
- MRMel Robbins
Is that normal?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yes. Oh my God, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
I mean, I've been married 27 years. This guy has seen me deliver-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... three children. He has helped me-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
... like get over the flu. I mean, he has seen me-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... (laughs) at my worst.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm sure he would love it. Uh...
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
What the fuck? Why, why am I so inhibited?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hm. Well, you know, there's... Because we don't... Literally because we don't have any models of this, we tend to glorify male masturbation, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
We see it in movies.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
We tend to say like, "Oh, I know they're going to do it. Men got to get theirs," you know, like American Pie and Porky's and all the movies we grew up in.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
We... Mm-mm... Female masturbation is like silent. It's like it's wrong, we shouldn't have to do it. It makes us like easy or slutty or whatever that old, you know, language is. But, but, Mel, I have to say, there's been some interesting science and research that, that have shown that when women actually look at themselves in the mirror when they are in the state of arousal, when they're pleasuring themselves, they actually tend to get more turned on. Now, I... That might have been a skip of a step here because we still have some more to cover. But-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... I think it's just getting over the hump of like, first off, I, I guarantee that Chris would probably find it to be one of the hottest thing he's ever seen in his entire life, and I have da- I've researched from my listeners over 20 years. Like, they can't believe that they hadn't done it, once they do it. Because here... And what I'm talking about now is a little bit of mutual masturbation. And this is one of my top tips for couples that I just love because while it's all awkward and weird, and so much of what I do is literally get people over the hump.
- 36:21 – 43:03
The 3 T’s you need to start an awkward conversation with your partner.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
it makes sense that everybody asked, "How do I get my partner to blank?"
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
That is really one of the top questions. It is all about... And I have a, I have an easy way to do it, or a, a formula that people can remember. It is the three Ts, and that is timing, tone, and turf. And you will use this for any conversation, awkward conversation you have around sex, because we... So the first one is timing, and you want to have this conversation when you're both in a more-... parasympathetic state. So you're relaxed, you're energized, you're at ease. Maybe it's date night.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's assume it's not date night, because most people don't have a date night. Let's just start with that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
That's also probably part of the problem, 'cause you're not prioritizing. Let's just say-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay, got it.
- MRMel Robbins
... you're sitting on the couch.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Let's assume, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You're relaxed.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Got it.
- MRMel Robbins
The kids aren't around, and that's a good time to have a conversation.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
That's perfect.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
You're sitting on the couch. I love it. Um, so then our tone... So the timing is when you guys are in a good place, hanging out on the couch.
- MRMel Robbins
Great. Love it.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
But side note about date night, I know that most couples don't, but there have been so much research that shows that couples who prioritize date night have more pleasurable, satisfying sex. But I know it's another hurdle and it's another thing on your goddamn list. But we all have a couch and we all go for walks perhaps, 'cause the next thing is your, is your turf. So the conversation should not happen in the bedroom.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Believe it or not. It's, it's... The bedroom, we love the bedroom to be left for sleeping and for sex.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Keep it a sacred space. The conversation is happening outside the bedroom, on the couch, on a walk, on a road trip when you're in the car, because that way it's less awkward because you're not making eye contact, but it's still intimate.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, I love that.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah. So-
- MRMel Robbins
Plus they're trapped. They can't go anywhere-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
They're trapped. Exactly. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... 'cause they're in the car with you. (laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Exactly. They're trapped. You're walking the dogs, you're hiking, you're... Okay. And then our tone is curious and compassionate and open, and just saying, "You know what? Hey, Chris, I realize we, I realize we haven't had a lot of talks about our sex life. And I would love to see what... if we could start to talk about it. Dr. Emily was on the show today. She encouraged that everybody has a growth mindset around sex, or find out if their partner has a growth mindset around sex. And I realize that this is one area that maybe we could work on together. We could start to learn some new things. We could start to talk about it. You know, is that something you'd be interested in?" So, let me say this, Mel. I gotta warn people this, is that it might not go well at first, because we don't talk about sex ever. We don't hear about it.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And so sometimes after 27 years, our partner brings it up in that way, we automatically assume that we must be doing something wrong. That I'm gonna get some negative feedback, "You don't want to be with me. You don't like my body." Like, all these things go in our head that it's going to be judgment, right? So we have to say no, but this really, this... And you have to keep taking it back to, "This is about us. I want us to have more pleasure." "No, that's not it. You're not doing anything wrong. Let's learn together." So once we get past that and he's like, "Okay, Mel, I'm down. Like, let's talk about it." Then you could say... So we got the timing, tone, and turf. So we've just covered all of those. And then you could say, "You know what? I think that I..." You could even be honest. "I masturbate when you leave the house, and-"
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, my God.
- 43:03 – 48:21
5 Pillars for having great sex.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Tell me one thing." They're like, "Okay, Dr. Emily, what's the position? What's the thing I can say? What's the thing I... What, what, what, what vibrator? What lube?" And those are quick fixes, Mel, and they all work. Like, I could send you a package of vibrators. You'd be like-
- MRMel Robbins
Please do.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... "Oh my God, that really helped today."
- MRMel Robbins
I'll give you my address (laughs) .
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I've got... Oh no, Mel, Mel, I'm not kidding you.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) .
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I already, like... Uh, you are... It's already literally there, and I cannot wait to send you all of my favorite things. We have to understand that all these factors are gonna contribute to our ability to be... to have pleasure, to feel desire, and be turned on. And we have to hack them. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Tell us what the pillars are-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... to having great sex and increasing our sexual self, Sex IQ. What are the five pillars?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
'Cause this is... Okay. So, the first pillar is embodiment. And the opposite of embodiment is, am I in my head too much? Am I disassociating during sex? Am I in naked with my partner and I'm thinking about that email that I didn't send to my boss? How much... How my thighs look in the, in the, in the bedroom? That I should probably turn off the lights, and am I doing it right? So embodiment. Am I present? Am I breathing? Am I connected to my partner? So then we have our health, and that is our mental health and our physical health. Now, we think about our physical health. Are we moving our bodies? Like this is... Do we exercise? Are we eating foods that make us feel good? These are all gonna contribute to our ability to be aroused, turned on, have the right amount of blood flow. Then we have to talk about, the big thing here is, is medications. For example, and there, there's a lot to this but I'm just gonna give you the... Medications. There are so many medications, Mel, that are going to impact our ability to have orgasms, to be aroused. It's gonna kill our libido and these are antidepressants, SSRIs, blood pressure medications, the birth control pill, okay, could all contribute to our ability to not be aroused and turned on and we don't tell ourselves that. If we've had trauma, we need to go to therapy. Most people have had trauma, and I'm not just talking sexual trauma. Big T Trauma, little T trauma. If our nervous system has been impacted by our childhood, and we have a way of coping that doesn't allow us to feel safe in our body and present, we're gonna have a hard time getting aroused, turned on and feeling desire. Then we have collaboration, and this is really how well do I collaborate with my partner and communicate my needs and let him know, let him know what my turn-ons are? What feel good? Do I understand our sexual dynamics, our energy? Do I understand what I need, and do I talk to my partner about it or do I have shame about it? Have we... I remain silent around it? The next one, the fourth pillar of Sex IQ is self-acceptance. This is a big one, Mel. This is confidence. This is how do I, do I feel good in my body? Do I accept my body where it is today? I get that it's no longer what it once was. It's always changing, but do I accept it? And then the fifth one is self-knowledge. Do I know what turns me on, and do I know what turns me off? Ch- I have a desire inventory in my book, Smart Sex, that can help people understand this and hack this, 'cause most of us have zero clue, Mel, what, w- what, what, what we like, what we don't like, 'cause we've never talked about it or thought about it. So those are the five pillars and all of them are in the bedroom with you every time you're having sex, and they all matter. I work on these as well. You don't get to a place where you check it off and I am sexually intelligent. It's a lifelong pro- process. So these are just all the things that I'm gonna go through that we should be mindful of, that are all contributing to us being sexually healthy and well.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you give us some tools or strategies for getting out of your head when you're being intimate with somebody else?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm. Yeah. A big one here is breath. Our breath anchors us in the present moment. Maybe everyone can do that with us right now. If we count to five, and the Kegel is those p- and men and women can do them too. I just wanna say, all genders get to do Kegels. It's the, the pee-stopping muscles. We start, stop and start the flow of urine.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
When you're doing this exercise, um, and you want to be more connected to your sexual energy... So we can do that right now. So we take a deep breath in. One, two, three, four, five. Do a little squeeze, Kegel, and then release. One, two, three, four, five, six. And hopefully you'll feel a little bit of stirring, something between your legs there. You'll feel like you're getting, you're awakening, you're connecting and you can do that as many times as you need to, to feel grounded, pleasurable and stoke your pleasure. And then just sort of ground in... You can ground in your body. You can do this with a partner. You can do this with i- with yourself. Um, I don't know. There's a lot about breath work in my, in my, in my book. You'll be like, "That's not sexy." But really, our breath, when we... A lot of us hold our breath during sex. And we're not present, and we're not... So I even, with my partner sometimes, I mean, I practice. I, I'll say, "God, you know, I, I'm really not grounded right now." Like, "Can we breathe together?" And there's nothing
- 48:21 – 50:37
A technique to do on your own during sex to make you more present.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
like looking into your partner's eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and resetting.... and then you just find that now we're on the same page. Like, we are in this together. Like, we're, we're, like, "Let's get refocused," and now, you know, we just, he'll do it to me, I'll do it to him. So, that's one of them. Because a lot of us do this shallow breathing.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Maybe we learn it in porn, like (gasps) , like, all the things that we see and we think that's what feels good, but really, when you learn to deeply feel your breath move through your body, you find that that's when you feel more connected to your sexual energy, who you are as a sexual being. Not that (gasps) . That shallow breath doesn't do it. So, I would, that's, so one of my top tips is breathing. Another quick thing, Mel-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... like really easy, if you don't want to breathe with your partner, and you actually don't him to know you're so distracted, is I focus on my five senses. And I'll, I'll think about when you are present in your senses, you can't be in the past and you can't be in the future. You have to be there. So, I'll be like, "What am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's hot body. What am I feeling? My hands on their shoulders."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
"What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle I always light when we have sex 'cause that anchors me in sex." So, I have all of these things in the environment that, and sometimes I have to do that a few times during sex, but it completely brings you, brings you back to the moment.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that tip, uh, especially the deep breath in and the Kegel. It just-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... moves the shopping list right out of my mind-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... and brings you right back. No, I'm serious though.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Thanks.
- MRMel Robbins
Because the, the number-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
I know.
- MRMel Robbins
... of people that wrote in, both about libido and the lack of a libido, which you just addressed by basically saying, "Just like exercise, you don't feel like exercising, but you set yourself up to do it." The way to deal with a low libido is to set yourself up to do it without waiting around to feel like it, and understand that that is something that will be in your way until you make a commitment to make this a priority in your life, and you realize that by scheduling it, by creating more intimacy in your life, by having solo sex so that you are in touch with what really makes it pleasurable for you, you are starting to take the steps to push through the fact that you have a low libido. Um, I would also love to talk about, 'cause you've mentioned it a few times,
- 50:37 – 56:58
What happens in your body when you orgasm?
- MRMel Robbins
what exactly is an orgasm?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hm. Okay. An orgasm is essentially the most pleasurable muscles, muscle spasm-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... in our body that we can have. It's really just, like the science of it, is that we are really just feeling, so it's a point of where we talk about arousal and blood flow and we start to get turned on, right? And then at the point, at the plateau or the point of orgasm, we have a release. I mean, the point of, uh, and we have a release in our body and we start to feel that through our, through our genitals and that's what an orgasm is. It's really a spasm in our body. Now, there's a lot of different kinds of orgasms, but, uh, basically it is the height or the peak of sexual arousal where the body's gonna release a lot of pressure and a lot of tension, and you're gonna have pleasure in your genitals and throughout your body.
- MRMel Robbins
Is it true that you had 23 orgasms in one night?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) It is.
- MRMel Robbins
How-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
It was actually a long day. It was, it was, it was away with a boyfriend, um, but it is true.
- MRMel Robbins
C- can, can we talk about that? Is that even healthy? Like-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs) Well, well, it's funny you should ask that because here's a wonderful thing about having a vulva, being a, one of these vulva owners here, is that we are built for pleasure and orgasm. In fact, we have something, this refractory period, is the amount of time that you can go from having an orgasm to having another orgasm. Ours is very short. So, the majority of women can have multiple orgasms. We just, again, don't know it, haven't had information about it. If you've got a penis, your refractory period is a little bit longer, and as we get older, sometimes you gotta wait 24 hours, maybe you gotta wait a week. Um, no, but it takes a little bit longer. And so, and it's not just our gen-, it's like our nipples. We can have orgasms in a lot of different ways that, again, we don't often, um, celebrate or prioritize or center on female pleasure. And so I was away with a partner, and I brought like my toys and my lubes and we were playing around, and I just started to count. And I was doing all the things, you know? Some was with him, some was with, you know, fingers and mouths and toys and just water, and we were just having fun, and I, and I ended up having 23. We were counting.
- MRMel Robbins
Holy cow.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And then it was definitely time for dinner.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, I'd say. Um, how can you switch up your energy for what you call hot sex, and what is hot sex?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Well, hot sex is, is really subjective in a way. I think for many people, I would define hot sex though as consensual, mutually pleasurable sex where everyone's communicating and having a good time and feels safe, cherished, adored, and hot. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
That sounds pretty hot.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And how do you switch up the energy, whether you're in a heterosexual, same-sex relationship, committed partnership, or a safe one-night stand? Like how do you-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... talk to us about the importance of energy-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... exchange with your partner?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
All right. So, I'm gonna talk to you here about a concept, uh, about energy. Now, where I talk about it in, in, i- in, in general is the masculine energy and the feminine energy. What I mean by that is we all have masculine energy and femine- feminine energy within us, whether it's-... two men, two women, whatever the combination is. And so, there is something called sexual polarity. We need to have a pol- if we're both in our feminine, so the feminine energy is, is more nurturing, it's more, it's more, um, supportive, it's, it's creative, it's more fluid. And the masculine is more purposeful, directed. It's like, "I'm getting shit done. I have a mission. I'm gonna go," right? Now, I, I think, Mel, we might be similar in this way, but I live a lot in my masculine energy. I run a business. I'm, I, I, I manage people. I've got a thing going on in my h- I mean, I just, I, I, I'm a business owner. I am a woman in the world who's very independent and I've got a lot going on.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And I live in my masculine a lot.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And so do, obviously, my partner's is masculine. For me, personally, and for many women, I think, to feel the most, to be receptive to energy and to sex, I need to be more in my feminine energy.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And I've had to learn to tap into that and what that feels like and to cultivate that. I have to allow my partner to feel like he can come in and sort of ha- h- he can sort of bring the energy. He can initiate. Not that I don't always initiate, but I need to feel more grounded. And so what I do is, I take a sh- if I know that I want to be sexual and I want to feel more present, and we're talking about in the bedroom, right? This is where, I think for some people who feel that they are not sexually as, um, connected anymore, it just feels like friends or whatever, I take a bath. I do breath work. I move my body. I dance. I create something. Even if it's in my bedroom, I do something that can wash off the day so I can start to move my body and feel more present and connected, and that is the state of energy. Now, in some relationships, you know, and then my partner needs to feel more like... And, and when I realize when I'm bringing more of my feminine-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... I'm breathing, I'm just moving, I'm talking slower, I'm moving in a different way, then he starts to react with his energy, and then we know that then, then the attraction starts to build. And so it gives him space to take up his masculine when I'm more in my feminine.
- 56:58 – 1:02:57
How can vulva owners ask for what they need sexually?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
useful for me is remembering to... is, is breath work and meditation and letting the day fold, because if I just get into sex without any of that, like, it's not going to happen. And so when I'm in my feminine, which is when I feel the most sexual and aroused and turned on, I absolutely will have more orgasms. Um, but I also, you know, so, so yeah, I'll have more orgasms, I'll have more pleasure. I also wanna remind people though that the goal... Pff, I know I'm talking a lot about orgasms, but it's important for people to remember that orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex.
- MRMel Robbins
What is the goal of sex?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
It could be connection.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
It could be, it could be experience, intimacy. I think a lot of times, yes, orgasms are amazing, but even when we don't center sex on orgasm, we find that we might actually have more, because when we're constantly thinking about, "Is it gonna happen? Is it gonna happen?" a lot of times it doesn't happen.
- MRMel Robbins
So true.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
If we all took a moment and we thought about what we know to be true about the most memorable times we've had sex, even if they're just one or two, and we're like, "Oh, yeah, that was really hot," I like to think of that as our sexual DNA. There's a lot of information in there. Like, "Oh, it's because I'd just come from yoga class. It's because we were on vacation and we had this beautiful sexual experience."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
"The kids had just left for college and it was the first night we were empty nesters."
- MRMel Robbins
Right now, for the women or vulva owners that are listening, that when you start to realize, "Oh, it makes a lot of sense, I'm a Crockpot. I'm a slow cooker. It takes a while for the heat to come up. And what's missing in my partnership and in my sex life is any kind of foreplay, any kind of stimulation on the skin, any kind of warm-up whatsoever."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
"And I don't know how to even ask for that."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hm. Mm-hmm. Yup. Okay, let's get into that, Mel. Uh, that's really common scenario you- And so the first thing is we talked about timing, tone, and turf. We've, we're already decided with our partner that we're gonna start to have some conversations about our sex life so we can have more pleasure, have a growth mindset, continue to grow as a couple. Again, in Smart Sex, I've got so many, like, I literally have a whole chapter that's just scripts because I know, Mel, that this is so hard, that people are now going, "Yes, I wanna let my partner know, but how do I do it?" So one way you could say, the compliment sandwich is basically you got two compliments as the bread and then the meat of it is your request. So I'm gonna say, "You know what?" I'm gonna start with something positive. "I really am loving our... The last sex we had, I really loved how we slowly made out. That was really hot, that we were kissing. I thought it was really great. I realized we haven't kissed in a while." And then you go into, like, "I love the way we were kissing." And then you could say, "And I've noticed something, I've learned something about myself, that making out and foreplay and touch is a really big part of my arousal process." And then you close with, "And I feel like if we could do more of that kissing and slowing down, more oral sex, playing with my toys, that I know that we would both have more pleasure and it would really ben- really benefit our sex life. So how would you feel about that?" And then you have to listen. Now, again, I can't say this enough, you're right, "What do you mean?" They, a lot of times they're in fight or flight now, perhaps. They're on the defensive. You've never talked about it.
- MRMel Robbins
They're like, "Oh, babe, let's go."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
"Do you know this is..."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah. Right, some might be like, right? Like, oh, but some hopefully, they're like, "Oh, wow, I hear what you're saying. Tell me more about that." And we have to remember that we don't wanna be defensive. We wanna listen, and then we just explain and give them the facts. Like, "I know that," you know, 'cause again, Mel, foreplay is not just a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement. Like, let me remind you that there, that, that if you have a vulva, it's gonna take you between 20 and 40 minutes to have an orgasm, typically, with a partner.
- MRMel Robbins
Wait, what? Hold on. Hold on. (thumping sounds)
- EMDr. Emily Morse
And f- yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I wanna make sure-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... everybody-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... vulva owners or not, just heard that. We're slow cookers.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And on average, we're talking 20 minutes of arousal. And I like these terms.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Because it, it's making me understand my body.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's making it less about what you do, what I do. That this is literally how my body and my sexual system works.
- 1:02:57 – 1:08:31
What to do when you’ve not had sex for a long time.
- MRMel Robbins
... What do you define as a normal, healthy amount of sex? That doesn't include penetration, everybody. We're talking about-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... actual moments of consensual pleasure with one another. How often should we be shooting for, in order to have a healthy sex life, Dr. Emily?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
So, I'm not able to give you a number. I can't be prescriptive here. People always wanna know, "This is ... Am I normal? We have sex one time a week, is that okay? Is it three times a week?" So first I wanna say, in your relationship, you both get to decide what feels good for you. How many times a week, how many times a month, what do you both need? And then we find that sometimes those numbers don't match up. It's not enough for one partner, it's too much for the other partner. And so, every couple gets to decide, but then this is where it takes some, kind of some negotiating, some compromise. I would say that overall, once a week feels pretty good to a lot of couples, and that seems to be, um, common. Once a month, not usually ... I don't think that that's as great. And if we're talking about even just intimacy and connection and touch, I don't believe that that's enough time for many. I think that we need to find out other ways to connect. But again, I, I, I don't like being prescriptive here, because couples are like, "We do it every 10 days, and it's great, and we feel wonderful." And that's great, but again, people are asking me usually because they have a suspicion that it's not enough-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... or someone's not as satisfied.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you say to somebody who hasn't had sex in years with their partner? How do you even bring that up?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Well, I think that we ... It's literally the elephant in the room. So again, using my timing, tone, and tone of voice, just say, "Hey, I think it's time we, um, we talk about it. Let's talk about our sex. Are we okay with that? I know it's been a long time that's gone by, and it doesn't feel good to me," or, "It does feel good to me." I mean, really, if the goal of that is to reconnect ... Listen, we have certain agreements. Well, and they're unspoken. We get married to someone or we commit to somebody, there's sort of the unspoken agreement that we're gonna continue to be intimate. Like, you can't opt out of your sex life, right? I, I mean, it's just ... Unless, without talking about it, certainly.
- MRMel Robbins
I think a lot of people do. I think a lot of people-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
They do now, so that's-
- MRMel Robbins
... stop having sex for whatever reason. They're pissed off. They have trauma. They're stressed out, all of this stuff. You go through body changes, and you suddenly are embarrassed by the weight you gained, or your libido hits the, you know-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... shitter, like most of us in menopause.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And then all of a sudden you look up, and you're like, "Holy shit, it's been three months."
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Months, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I mean, Chris and I have gone through a period where we didn't have sex for several months.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I, uh, you know, when I look back on the times when that's happened, it's when we were really struggling financially-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... or in a lot of stress.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I, I thought about it all the time, "There must be something wrong with us. Will we ever have sex? Is he not that interested in me?" Like, all of that stuff.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-mm.
- MRMel Robbins
But I think it becomes easy to opt out of having sex.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And so how do you broach that for real-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm. Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... in your relationship? Because there were a hell of a lot of people that wrote in about it.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm. Okay, Mel, that's a great ... And I, I'm b- glad you ... Thank you so much for like ... Obviously you always are, but sharing (laughs) your, your real authentic vulnerability and stories. Because I also wanna say this, there's no sex police. No one's gonna be knocking on your door and saying, "I heard you guys haven't had sex in, in three weeks. What's happening over there?" Or like, "What's going on with you guys?" It's okay that you're not having sex. Like, literally months go by, it's very, very common, okay, for couples. But the, but what's missing from that is saying, "Hey, babe, I'm acknowledging that right now I know we're not being intimate, and I just think, um, we're going through stuff. I'm not feeling great in my body. My hormones are out of whack. I'm not feeling great. I know we're going through this money thing, so let's just, you know ... Maybe we should like, uh ... We can do some cuddling, or maybe we could just do some talk-" Like, just acknowledging it, Mel.
- 1:08:31 – 1:15:23
How is your current sex life tied to your childhood needs?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
our minds and our fantasies? There's probably something that we want to feel during sex.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Maybe we want to feel adored or worshiped or beautiful, or we wanna feel some more transgressions. Maybe we wanna feel... We have some fantasies about being, like, spanked or being a bad person or a bad girl, bad boy, and a lot of it does stem ca- you know, they can be, stem from our childhood. So for example, perhaps we grew up in an environment in our family where we felt we were not... We didn't have a lot of attention. Our needs were ignored. Maybe we were emotionally neglected. So when it comes to sex, what makes us feel aroused and feel safe is, you know, when I fantasize or I think about my partner, I want them to spend time sort of worshiping my body and giving me praise. And so I am... I might come... So that could come from the childho- from, from something that happened in our childhood. Another thing to look at is, let's say we, you know, we wanna feel fully accepted during sex.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
We wanna feel, like, safe and accepted. Now, perhaps we have this fetish. Now we often, again, conflate. That's another word, fantasy and fetish. A fantasy is like a nice to h- like it's something that you think about, like I really love fantasizing about threesomes. That's like a common one for men and women in America. Like, threesomes, group sex, like it's very common. Or I like to think about... But we don't necessarily need it to happen, but we like get to fantasize about it, or we like... A fetish is actually a requirement for arousal. So, unless I see feet, like I will not be turned on and be able to have an orgasm or any sex. So that's just-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... quick side note, fantasy and fetish, which tend to-
- MRMel Robbins
I never knew that. Thank you.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Yeah, we tend to use them a little bit different. So, so, so and core desires are not wrong, right, or wrong. They, they really just are. They just are. So these are the feelings, you know. So, so what comes to mind when you think about, for people to think about this, if you think about the hottest sexual moment you've ever had, how did you feel emotionally? What was going on in that moment? What was happening? Did you feel, you know... Were, were you humiliated? Were you feeling worshiped, desired? And so that's where you can kind of start. And so the feelings that turn you on the most tend to be your core desires. It's just another way to kind of think about how to open this conversation so you can learn to be your best sexual self.
- MRMel Robbins
And so let's just say that your core desire is being cherished or-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... cared for or worshiped, some of the words that you just used. How do you translate that into creating the best chapter of sexual pleasure in your life?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. So you would tell your partner, you'd share this. Um, I have a lot of different tools and quizzes couples can take to figure out where they're at on this, in this path, but to, if you say to your partner, "I realize that I, I love to feel cherished and adored during sex, so maybe we could have a night where we, you know, light some candles." I love massage candles now that are like regular candles that you light and they... Where you're gonna get a care package and you light 'em for like 20, 30 minutes, then they go out. You pour it on your partner, and it's... Don't do this with a regular candle, but it turns into the most luxurious warm massage oil. It just, the heat, it feels amazing.
- MRMel Robbins
Whoa.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
You could say, "I just would love to have a night where we light the candles, and you massage my body, and we really spend time, and you could tell me all the things that you like, love about my body, and maybe what you're seeing in the moment." You know, that could be a way that sexually you wanna be cherished. It could also be, you know, surprising you with a decadent meal at your favorite five-star restaurant. They knew that it was your favorite restaurant, your favorite meal, which made you feel loved and nurtured that evening, and then you'd have this, you know, sex 'cause you were feeling relaxed, and you were feeling taken care of.
- MRMel Robbins
I wanna ask you some rapid fire questions from our audience. We asked our audience-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Love it.
- MRMel Robbins
... if you had five minutes with one of the world's leading sex experts and doctors, what would your question be? So Dr. Emily, here's one. How can I orgasm more being brought up Catholic girl who was taught sex is for marriage?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Um, masturbation. Have a solo sex practice where you practice mindful masturbation, and every time you're having a thought, you go back to the feelings that you're having in your body, and you learn to give yourself pleasure. We... Pleasure is our birthright. We are all deserving of pleasure.
- MRMel Robbins
Dr. Emily, I'm going through a divorce. It's been two years since I've had sex. I'm scared to jump into the dating pool. I was married for 30 years. Where do I start?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
First you start with... You start with knowing that, um, that it... That you need to take some time. Like, when, when you're ready, I would say don't... You don't have to force yourself to go out and start dating a million people. You want to start having connections with people. You need to have the practice of dating, of flirting, of being out there. I would say if you're looking for a date... This is not sexual advice. This is just say yes to every invitation you get. Like, even those neighbors that you think are a little bit weird and you don't actually wanna hang out with them, they might have some friends that you like. They might have some neighbor. Just to meet people and get into the practice of connecting with people around you so you can find someone that you, you, you connect with again. And I don't like to make it sound like this show's all about masturbation, but we have to keep our pilot light lit. And it's important for you to connect your sexual energy with yourself and not just wait for someone to come along and flip the switch.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, Dr. Emily, "I'm single. I've been sober for a year, and I'm timid to have sober sex. How do I get over this feeling?"
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. That's really, really common. People who often become sober realize that the... that the alcohol was a crutch, and that's the only way they'd been sexual. So first, compassion to yourself. You're learning a new skill set, lots of self-love here and compassion. And just go slow and find partners that you feel safe with, that you can let them know that, "Hey, it's been a while, and this is a new chapter. This... My sex life is starting right now, and I wanna go slow, and I wanna be able to communicate, and I'd love to, like, make out and start to feel comfortable again, and I want it to be okay for me to, like, stop and start." And, and I think that really all of this is about being honest and open and authentic with where you're at in your journey, and to also take the pressure off yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm. That's beautiful. This is a really interesting question. "Why can I not handle how good it feels, and I always have to stop in the middle of sex?"
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. This person could really benefit for some... from deep breath work and allowing the, the feeling to move, move through their body. Um, this could be a few things. This could come from shame, feeling like you are actually not supposed to have pleasure-
- 1:15:23 – 1:16:53
Why can’t I handle the intensity of pleasure?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... and from losing control. So, maybe they feel the orgasm is coming up in their body, and they're so afraid of what they're gonna look like, what it's gonna sound like. They actually don't know what's gonna happen. And so, it feels so good, but they... it's, it's an out-of-control feeling.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
So, 100% practice on your own letting that feeling move through you so you could have an orgasm and you know what it feels like, and then you'll be able to let go with a partner more easily.
- MRMel Robbins
I, uh, have a ton of questions about past trauma, whether it's-
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
... religious trauma and how it impacts your ability to enjoy it, or sexual assault trauma or childhood trauma. What should somebody that knows that past trauma is inhibiting their ability to experience more pleasure and feel safe with sex, what are the steps that they need to take specifically?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Okay. Well, the first step is acknowledging that you've had trauma, and it's something that you, you know, haven't, um, had the opportunity yet to explore the impact it's had on your... on your life, your sex life. You probably know maybe something's happened. But here's the thing, Mel, with trauma, is that a lot of us just think that as time passes or if we just bury it, it's gonna go away, but unfortunately, it becomes more exacerbated over time. Like, whatever we resist persists. I highly recommend that if you've had trauma of any kind, but in particular sexual trauma, that you get into some therapy. I'm a huge fan of EMDR therapy,
- 1:16:53 – 1:24:48
How to have healthy intimacy when you’ve experienced trauma.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
eye movement desensitization reprocessing. Um, you could do it online now. This is a... a therapy that helps you rewire your brain, the neuroplasticity in our brain. We can really rewire our brains in this way using this kind of therapy. And yeah, there's also... Yeah, I would say that EMDR is really effective therapy for doing this.
- MRMel Robbins
How... What are some simple signs, based on your, uh, experience, Dr. Emily, that unresolved past trauma is impacting your sex life? 'Cause I don't think a lot of people, unless it's sexual trauma, realize how past trauma and however it's impacted you in a moment of arousal, you're losing control, and your old coping mechanisms can kick in. So, what might someone be experiencing in the bedroom that could signal that there's an underlying issue with trauma that's impacting their ability to fully express themselves and be open with their partner or themselves?
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Hmm. So, there's a few ways that... a few things that might happen, behaviors that might signal an underlying trauma, and that might be disassociation, so meaning you leave the room-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
... every time you have sex. You feel like you are up above looking down at your body. You might feel that... You might not feel anything. You might actually feel like, "I know that sex is happening, but I feel numb." You might actually even have pain. There's a lot of women, now more than we'd like to... more than is (laughs) necessary, that have pain every time they have sex, uh, something called vaginismus or vulvodynia, which means that every time something goes inside of them, they have pain.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- EMDr. Emily Morse
Any ki- It could be a tampon. It could be a finger. And it's not always the cause of trauma, but for many women, they, they had some kind of assault, and so their body has literally clenched, and their muscles, their vaginal muscles, have tightened. And so... And that could be as a result of, of trauma. So, anytime sex happens or something comes near 'em, they feel pain. And I just wanna say, side note, if anybody's having pain during sex, 85% of women will have pain at some point in their life during sex. For many women, it's chronic. It's every single time they have sex. And I just wanna say that you do not have to silently suffer through bad sex. See a pelvic floor physical therapist.
Episode duration: 1:30:03
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