The Mel Robbins PodcastIf You Got Your Heart Broken, You Need To Hear This! | The Mel Robbins Podcast
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
75 min read · 14,690 words- 0:00 – 3:23
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
(ticking sound) Pull up a seat and listen in as I give some advice and coaching to a woman named Katrina, who wrote in because in the wake of a breakup, she has a very big decision to make. Isn't it true, the decision that you know is right, the one that deep down in your heart you know is the best and truest decision for you, it's also the one that scares the hell out of you? This coaching session is going to give me the opportunity to teach you two just critical truths about life. Number one... (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I'm really looking forward to the conversation today. If you're brand new to The Mel Robbins Podcast, I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author, I am also one of the world's leading experts on habits and motivation and behavior change. And I invite you today to pull up a seat and listen in as I give some advice and coaching to a woman named Katrina, who wrote in because in the wake of a breakup, she has a very big decision to make. You're gonna love her, by the way. She's smart and she is a go-getter, but she's really stuck right now. She's got a big decision to make, and she feels overwhelmed by the decision. And this coaching session is going to give me the opportunity to teach you two just critical truths about life. So the two critical truths that you have to accept about life is, number one, you have to know the difference between the right decision and being afraid of the right decision. And the second truth about life is that how you feel about somebody is very different than how they make you feel. And how they make you feel is where you have to put all the weight when you're making really hard decisions. And by the very end of this coaching session with Katrina, you are going to learn an absolutely incredible tool. This is a tool that will help you make courageous decisions. Because isn't it true that so often, the decision that you know is right, the one that deep down in your heart you know is the best and truest decision for you, it's also the one that scares the hell out of you? All right. Do we have Katrina here? Oh, great. Hi, Katrina.
- KAKatrina
Hi, Mel. How are you doing?
- MRMel Robbins
Hi. I'm good. Why don't you go ahead and start by reading, uh, I think they're gonna have you read your question and then we can kind of talk through it.
- KAKatrina
Yes, absolutely. All right. Hi, Mel. My name is Katrina. Thank you for all your podcasts. They have saved me in the past year. Let me explain. In July 2022, just days before my 25th birthday and last year of law school, my boyfriend of five years dumped me. To say that this was out of nowhere would be an understatement, but looking back, I am sure there were signs that the end was coming. My future crumbled right before my eyes. I was numb for the first three to four months. I've done a lot of work since then.
- 3:23 – 5:18
Ever been dumped? Then you’ll relate with what Katrina is going through.
- KAKatrina
I've fostered many relationships and started a bunch of new hobbies, each requiring patience and confidence, two skills I really needed to work on. I need your help on what to do next. The state I live in has been my home all my life, and as far as I know, it's where my ex still resides. I'm unsure if it's the breakup, the last year of law school ending, or the fact that I truly have nothing tying me down here anymore, but this place no longer feels warm to me. Most of my friends are engaged and beginning to start their lives in a chapter I can no longer relate to. I'm thinking of moving to a state that has everything I love. However, a part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex becomes slimmer. A brilliant and well-experienced woman once said, "One decision can change the trajectory of your life forever." So I hope you can help me figure out what decision to make, or at least ways to make this grueling decision. Thanks, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. So, I think that this is a very short coaching session.
- KAKatrina
(laughs) Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Because I think you know the decision.
- KAKatrina
Uh, yeah, I think I do too.
- MRMel Robbins
So, when you just kind of went, "Uh, yeah, I think I do too," I want to tell you something about decisions. It's interesting because, especially since you've just graduated from law school, and you've been using that big, amazing, powerful brain of yours, uh, to get through law school, and you now think like a lawyer, you're very analytical. But the kind of decisions that change your life are not made upstairs in that lawyer analytical brain.
- 5:18 – 9:53
The kind of decisions that change your life don’t happen in your brain.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you know where in your body you can feel what the decision is?
- KAKatrina
Yeah, I think it's my heart. I think, um... I mean, there's definitely a part of me. I left out a few things. There... His parents have a love story that they ended up back together after they broke up and after they had separate lives. So I think subconsciously I'm hoping that that's the case, but I know my time here, I live in Indianapolis, I, I think my time here has come to an end just because I, I don't want to be living in a place where I'm worried I'm gonna bump into him or worried I'd see him on a date with someone else. Like, that's not a life I want to live and that's not something I want to have in the back of my mind everywhere I go.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. Um, I think there's a bigger reason.... that has nothing to do with him. So, I want you to tell me why you want to move. I mean, fuck him for a minute. Like, what-
- KAKatrina
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Why do you want to go somewhere else?
- KAKatrina
Yeah. Um, there are many reasons. Uh, I've lived in Indiana my entire life, and-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- KAKatrina
... and I think this breakup has shown me, if it's shown me, I mean, it's shown me so many things, but one thing is that you have one life to live.
- MRMel Robbins
(exhales)
- KAKatrina
And I just don't think I'm supposed to live here for my entire life. And it's, it's something that's deep in me, and it was deep in me before we broke up. I thought about moving. I wanted to move. And I, so it's just, it's only accelerated it. But I have parent guilt because they both, they live here, and I think that they'll, they, they don't intend on moving anywhere. But maybe if I can show them that it's possible, you can do it, you can start over somewhere new, that maybe it'll give them the confidence to do so. So I, I agree with you. I, I, there is, there are reasons that are more personal than just him. And that, and that I know from my own self-growth, it's a necessary next step.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. I think you want to make the decision not only from your heart, and I'll coach you through how to make the decision and how to read the energy of your heart.
- KAKatrina
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
But you can make this decision either because you want to move away from something or because you feel called to something. Do those two places feel different to you?
- KAKatrina
I think it's, it's, well, 60% being called somewhere else, 40% of me feeling that I need to move away, because it's... I mean, we, we spent five years here. We were very active people everywhere, and I, I like to go on hikes. And now every time I go on hikes, I think about where we've been, and he's not that big of a city to escape from all the memories.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- KAKatrina
And it's just, it's been really hard to, to think that I can create new memories with someone else or myself without those things coming in the foreground.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep. It's possible, for sure.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, but it's easier if you're feeling called. And so you said a couple of things to me. One is, "I felt called deep down, even before we broke up."
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And that this is something that I've wanted to do."
- KAKatrina
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And I will tell you, you will always regret not doing it. And the other thing I'm going to tell you is, you can always come back.
- KAKatrina
Yeah. That's, yeah, that's been my main thing, is that I know I can always come back. I've made enough of a network here, and I know there are plenty of people in my corner that are here that would, I could rely on it, God forbid something was to go awry in the state that I have, I have chosen. So I, I, yeah, I do want to bet on myself. It's just-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- KAKatrina
... that, like me, that feels a little guilty towards my parents and...
- MRMel Robbins
Well, hold on a second. Your parents are grown-ass adults.
- KAKatrina
Yes, they are. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And they can move.
- KAKatrina
Mm-hmm.
- 9:53 – 12:50
Holding yourself back because you feel guilty? Listen to this.
- MRMel Robbins
to be happy. They want you to pursue your dreams. There is nothing I would hate more than to have my kids tell me that they gave up on something they wanted to do because they felt guilty about me.
- KAKatrina
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
After all the shit I've done to support them, they're now going to saddle their coward-ass chicken-shit decisions on me?
- KAKatrina
Yeah. No, that resonates deeply. I know you're right. I know. I don't, I don't know what part of my smil- the inner child of me that somewhat believes that I can't go somewhere without disappointing them. But I know that you're right, that deep down, that they want the best for me, they want me to be happy, and that that will
- MRMel Robbins
And here's what, here's what you can do. You can actually go to your parents and say: I need to do this for myself, and the only thing holding me back is f- my fear about you guys being upset with me. So, can I ask for your support in doing something that I, I desperately need to do for my own growth? And I promise, I can always come back.
- KAKatrina
Yeah. Yeah, I think I need that reassurance, for sure.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you can ask for it. Whether they give it to you or not is a whole nother thing. I don't know your parents. I don't know if they're going to be emotionally immature about it. But I suspect they've seen you suffer.
- KAKatrina
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And they've seen you sad. And they want you to be happy. And if you tell them, "This is what you think you need, to take this risk, to do this thing," then you need to do it. Living with regret is the worst thing in the world. And so, you know, I- I'm, I'm focusing us here because I need you to accept that he broke up with you. And you haven't.
- KAKatrina
Yeah. Feel like I haven't had time to-
- MRMel Robbins
That's bullshit.
- KAKatrina
(laughs) I know.
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause all you do is think about this.
- KAKatrina
Every... It's gotten a lot better. I mean, I've been able to... I told myself I'd be on a hiatus until I take the bar in July, from men, like talking to men. And I've gotten over that.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- KAKatrina
I've allowed myself-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- KAKatrina
... to live and like freely talk to adult males who I find interesting or attractive, and I've been using the five second rule. And it's worked wonders, and it's given me bountiful connections. It's just...I don't know, there is a part of me that is hanging on to this little piece of hope that-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- KAKatrina
... because he was the person that... I mean, everything I wanted in a person (laughs) was that... Was him, except the fact that he didn't want me, so. Maybe that should be enough.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, that's, that's the single biggest-
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- 12:50 – 17:57
The single biggest quality you want in any partner? It’s always this.
- KAKatrina
- MRMel Robbins
... thing that you need.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?
- KAKatrina
Yeah, you don't.
- MRMel Robbins
But you do, because you think if you can win him back, it means something.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
What does it mean if he comes back?
- KAKatrina
That he regret... He s- he regrets the decision that he rudely messed things up.
- MRMel Robbins
What does it mean about you?
- KAKatrina
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
What does it mean about you?
- KAKatrina
Probably not anything commendable. I mean, you take in someone that second guessed your worth, and their... and their perception of you as what you meant to them in, in your life, and how I wasn't enough. I mean-
- MRMel Robbins
See, there's a part of your value and worth that you have handed to him.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And him coming back and wanting to be with you is what you think is going to give you that piece of self-worth back. That's why you're holding onto it, because you think there's something wrong with you or missing from you, or deficient, and only he can give it back to you.
- KAKatrina
Yeah, we haven't even spoken since, so... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Good.
- KAKatrina
Since July. (laughs) We... I haven't seen him.
- MRMel Robbins
Good.
- KAKatrina
It's been...
- MRMel Robbins
There's nothing to say.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
He said everything when he broke up with you without warning.
- KAKatrina
Yeah. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I also think you need to look back at the relationship, if you're going to, with a much more critical eye, because there were signs. There are always signs.
- KAKatrina
Yeah, there were absolutely signs, especially-
- MRMel Robbins
What were the signs?
- KAKatrina
Well, uh, one, uh, two years into our relationship, he cheated on me.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, there's a sign.
- 17:57 – 20:48
You deserve nothing less than these qualities from your partner.
- MRMel Robbins
who, uh, respects me, to have the hard... Enough to have the hard conversations."
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And I also learned that I am a fucking lawyer, and if I can get my ass through law school, I am an adult who wants an adult relationship with an equal, and I was dating a child, and I was making excuses for him, and I'm not fucking doing that again."
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
How about that story?
- KAKatrina
I like that story, that story-
- MRMel Robbins
I say it with love. (laughs)
- KAKatrina
(laughs) That story I, I think I'm gonna keep in my back pocket. Yeah. No, I think-
- MRMel Robbins
Now-
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Here's one other thing I want to say to you. We got to come up with your plan B when you bump into him, because I have a feeling that literally within the next 48 hours, you are going to bump into him.
- KAKatrina
I do too. I know, I've had this feeling for a while.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so what are you going to do?
- KAKatrina
I don't know. Uh, I've just thought about saying hi and, I mean, I'm in a much better head space now. Like I, I, I... This is, uh... The breakup has been one of the biggest blessings, truly. Like, it has been... I, the amount of relationships that I've fostered and the amount of people that I've met since then that I never would have met, and there are stories I never would have heard, like it, it's given me a new light. It's given me a new reason to, to live and a new pursuit. I've learned so much about myself. I've, I've learned how loyal I am as a friend and how many people I have in my corner. It's just... So I, I want to exert that kind of energy when I see him-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, great.
- KAKatrina
... if I was to. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Great. Okay. Um-
- KAKatrina
Like I'm n- If he asked me how I'm doing, I want to say, "I'm, I'm doing great," because I am.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, great. But there's still that little piece.
- KAKatrina
Yes. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And I want to turn that piece into something powerful for you, and it's the truth. And the reason why you can't let this go is because of how he handled it.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Because you are a person of principle, and you deserved to be treated differently. This is not about the breakup. This is not about what happened. It's about the how.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And so, the way that we're gonna do this, 'cause we're gonna role play, is I want you to put on your lawyer hat.
- KAKatrina
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay?
- KAKatrina
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
And I want you to say... Like, I want... You're just gonna try this on like you and I are shopping together, because having this rehearsed will help you not get triggered. Because when you see the person, it
- 20:48 – 25:51
Try role playing with a friend to help you get the closure you crave.
- MRMel Robbins
will be a little bit like, "Oh, my god." So expect a little bit of the wave, like, "Oh, shit, shit, shit." And then you're gonna take a deep breath, and you're gonna walk right up to him. Do not look away. Do not worry if he's with somebody even better.
- KAKatrina
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
You're gonna walk right up and you're gonna say, "Hey, I had a feeling I was gonna bump into you. It's, it's actually really great to see you because I'm moving, something I've always wanted to do, and I wanted to thank you. Thank you for ending it, because I probably would be making different decisions if I were still putting you first. But I do want to tell you, the way you handled it was really awful, and I deserve better, and now I feel better that I told you."
- KAKatrina
Yeah, that's, that's tough. That's how you... I don't know how-
- MRMel Robbins
All right. Go ahead. Go ahead.
- KAKatrina
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
I, I'm, I'm him. I'm like walking and I see you and I'm like... (gasps)
- KAKatrina
Okay. Hey, Nick.
- MRMel Robbins
Hi.
- KAKatrina
It's great to see you. I had a feeling-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, it's good to see you.
- KAKatrina
... I was gonna bump into you recently. I mean, it's been a long time since I've seen you. And-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, you look great. You look really great. How you doing?
- KAKatrina
Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate it. I just wanted to let you know I'm actually... I'm moving soon, and I truly wanted to thank you for ev- for allowing me and giving me this time to...
- MRMel Robbins
Nope.
- KAKatrina
No?
- MRMel Robbins
Nah. Okay, we're gonna start over. No. I want to thank you for ending it.
- KAKatrina
For ending it, okay.
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause I wouldn't have.
- KAKatrina
Yeah, I would not have.
- MRMel Robbins
And I needed you, and, and it needed to end.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I'm happy it ended, but I do have to tell you, the way you handled it, not cool. Not cool at all. I deserve better, and I hope you treat women better in the future. See you later. (laughs) All right, here we go again. I'm Nick.
- KAKatrina
All right, rock and roll.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, here we go.
- KAKatrina
Hey, Nick.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, hi. Hey.
- KAKatrina
How's it going?
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, everything's great. Everything's really great.
- KAKatrina
I, I had a feeling I'd bump into you. That's, that's really odd, but I just wanted to let you know, um, I wanted to thank you actually for, for ending what we had.
- 25:51 – 31:14
Use this strategy to help you make a weighty decision.
- MRMel Robbins
the future that, you know, is kind of one of these big weighty ones is you just kind of close your eyes, and I want you to think about the two options: Do I stay in Indianapolis, or do I move to this new place that I've always wanted to live? The decision that aligns and is true for you is the one that is gonna feel more expansive, like that something inside you opens up. It doesn't mean it's an easy decision, doesn't mean that there aren't things you're concerned about, but that it's gonna create growth, that there's something exciting, even if it's scary, about that decision, that there's some expansive energy to it. And that's how you can feel in your heart and in your gut that that is a decision that's aligned with who you are and where you're meant to go. If you are making a decision and you feel yourself shrink a little-
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... you feel the energy go down-
- KAKatrina
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... you feel kind of instead of the expansion, like this kind of contraction of energy, that's a no. It's a no. And that's why I opened up our conversation by saying, "I think this is gonna be a short conversation," because you already know. And one other piece of advice I'm gonna give you is this: When making decisions in life, always use your heart to know what the truth is for you, and that's why I knew immediately, "Oh, she knows. She's moving. This is, like, not even a question. She's already knows what." You'll use your brain, and you've got this beautiful, analytical lawyer brain that's gonna help you figure out that, "Okay, when am I doing it? How's it gonna happen?" Like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, okay? Awesome.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a big fucking hug, or we could go out and have drinks or whatever.
- KAKatrina
I know. Now, I wish this was in person. I would gi- give you the biggest hug too. I just... I'm, I'm so... This feels honestly so surreal. I have been meaning to email you for approximately six months, and it wasn't until I finished the Audible book of The 5 Second Rule this weekend-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- KAKatrina
... and then I said, "Five, four, three, two, one," and I fucking sent it, so.
- MRMel Robbins
Boom. See? You did it when you were ready.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And, uh, I'm really proud of you. You're going to do really big things in life. I know it. I know it. And you are going to be shocked about the relationships that are coming in the future, because you are stepping into your power. So you're in a totally different place, which means the person that steps into your life, friends or romantic whatever, are gonna amplify you.
- KAKatrina
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Which is incredible. I'm really proud of you. Go get 'em.
- KAKatrina
Thank you so much. I, I-
- MRMel Robbins
You're welcome, Darlin'.
- KAKatrina
I'm so appreciative for your time.
- MRMel Robbins
And this is also gonna help so many people, so I appreciate your honesty.
- KAKatrina
Yeah, absolutely. I, I... That's all I want to do, is I truly want to help anyone who's in my s- in my space and is going through what I'm going through.
- MRMel Robbins
(claps) Whoo! I love it. Go get 'em.
- KAKatrina
Thank you so much, Mel. I can't wait to run into you.
- MRMel Robbins
You're welcome. You're the best. I can't wait to run into you too. You better run up to me and give me a big old hug, woman.
- KAKatrina
I will, absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's Mel, and if you've ever thought, "Gosh, I just wish I could get Mel to coach me," well, now you can. Once a year, I offer a live coaching program called Launch, and it is open for registration right now. If you're interested, I invite you, no, I urge you to check it out. Last year it sold out. It has a 7,000-person wait list, but being a fan of the podcast, I know you're not just the listening type, you're the doing type. You're gonna love this. It's 42 lectures. That's the curriculum. It's all new. It is a private, premium, app-driven community. I am the professor. It lasts for six months. There are 11 live coaching calls. You're going to love this. The information is in the link above, and I would love, love, love to coach you. I'd love to empower you to launch a new chapter in your personal or professional life. If you've ever wanted me to coach you, this is your chance. Do not wait. Five, four, three, two, one, let's go. I just love her. Didn't you get so much out of that? Isn't she the kind of person that you're rooting for? And I cannot wait to get an update, and believe me, when I get one, I will let you know how she's doing. But you know who else I'm rooting for? I'm rooting for you. And there was a tremendous amount of takeaway and truths about life and lessons about life that were jammed into that 20-minute coaching session, and so I want to make sure that you leave here not just being inspired by, uh, what Katrina got out of this, but I wanna make sure that you leave with the 10-Very clear takeaways from that coaching conversation, so let's unpack them one by one. So the first truth, the lesson that I want you to remember from this episode, is that in life, you always want to be running toward
- 31:14 – 32:33
Takeaway #1: Stop running away. Think of it this way instead.
- MRMel Robbins
something, not away from it, okay? And it's way more powerful when you think about changes that you're making as moving toward something new, toward something powerful, because then you're taking control. Then you are owning the narrative, and you are going to feel more empowered. And sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference. For example, when I was asking Katrina about this, "Are you running toward a new life, or are you running away from the boyfriend?" And she was really honest. Remember, she said this?
- KAKatrina
I think it's, it's, well, 60% being called somewhere else, 40% of me feeling that I need to move away.
- MRMel Robbins
60%, "I'm called somewhere else. I'm moving toward something that is powerful," and 40%, she was really honest, that, "I got to move away from this guy." So, in the moment of a big change, make sure the narrative you're telling yourself and the inspiration for the change is framed as you moving towards something powerful, okay? Now, takeaway number two. Let's talk about closure. Because as long as your hand is still on the doorknob, you have not fully closed the door.
- 32:33 – 33:30
Takeaway #2: If you want closure, you have to do these two things.
- MRMel Robbins
And whether you're closing a door on a relationship or a chapter in your life, you have got to let go at some point. And one of the things I want to point out is that it was very clear at the beginning of the conversation that Katrina had not closed that chapter, because she was still holding onto the handle.
- KAKatrina
A part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex becomes slimmer.
- MRMel Robbins
To truly close the door, or to close this chapter, you have to let go. And what does that mean? It means that you have got to stop holding on to whatever you're holding on to. Whether it's this slim sliver of hope that things could be different, whether it's beating yourself up, whether it's rumination, you have to let go. And you also need to move away from that door and start walking toward something
- 33:30 – 33:39
Takeaway #6: Please stop doing this after a breakup.
- MRMel Robbins
new. That is what it means to truly have closure. Takeaway number three. If you're gonna hold yourself back
- 33:39 – 34:27
Takeaway #3: If you’re going to hold yourself back, own it. Don’t blame others.
- MRMel Robbins
and play a really small game in life, you give up the right to blame other people for that. Let me unpack this for you. Remember when Katrina said this about her parents?
- KAKatrina
I do want to bet on myself. It's just that part of me that feels a little guilty towards my parents, and...
- MRMel Robbins
And I was like, "Woo, wait a minute. You don't get to bet on yourself and then be like, 'But my parents, I feel guilty.'" That is so wrong. If you're going to hold yourself back, own it. "I'm too scared to move." Do not saddle your parents or your friends or anybody else with this guilt stuff. It's complete baloney, all right? So be very clear when you're holding yourself back that you're the one doing it to yourself. The fourth takeaway, don't even get me started on this, 'cause it makes me so frustrated. How many
- 34:27 – 36:20
Takeaway #4: You’re making it much harder in your head.
- MRMel Robbins
times have you been afraid to disappoint somebody? "Oh, I'd like to do this, but what if I'm going to disappoint them?" 99% of the time, you haven't even fricking asked them. So stop saying you're afraid to disappoint someone. You don't get to say that. Be an adult. Just ask them. Tell them what you want to do, and then you'll find out if there's a reason to be afraid. But I guarantee you, if you explain to somebody what you want to do and why, you're going to get the support that you need. You know, I'll give you an example. Uh, my parents, I hate that I live so far away from them. Uh, they can't stand that I moved from the Midwest and I live out in the East, but you know what? They're still my biggest supporters. People can be two things at once. They can be disappointed that you don't live closer, and they can still support you in pursuing your dreams. So stop saying that you're afraid of disappointing people. Go have the conversation, 'cause I think you're going to be shocked. Here's the fifth takeaway. If someone doesn't want you anymore, you shouldn't want them. The second they break up with you, the second they're not in love with you anymore, the second they treat you as though they don't want you, take that as the truth and flip the switch and tell yourself, "You deserve better." I'm sure you remember this moment when Katrina confessed this.
- KAKatrina
Everything I wanted in a person was that... (laughs) was him, except the fact that he didn't want me, so.
- MRMel Robbins
I almost fell out of my chair when she said that. That's not your person. That's your insecurity and your trauma from childhood playing out. That's your attachment issues. (laughs) See, one of the reasons why we cling to people that don't want us is that we play this crazy game that if we could only
- 36:20 – 37:56
Takeaway #5: As soon as somebody doesn’t want you, they’re not your person.
- MRMel Robbins
convince them to like us again, it proves that somehow we're worthy, okay? The only person that you need to be worthy of is yourself, and so that means you should not want to be with somebody who does not want to be with you, period. Another really big takeaway here, there are always signs. Your intuition is always right. Your issue is that you're not listening to it. So the next time a chapter or a job or a relationship is over, please stop romancing what it was and please look back with an astute.... honest, critical eye, and look for the signs, because you need to claim those signs, and you need to own the fact that you ignored them. And that's a major mistake that I see so many of you making, that you're embarrassed. "Oh, I was such an idiot. I, I, there were signs that they were cheating. Oh, I was such an idiot. He's been treating me or she's been treating me like garbage for a year. There were signs." But you don't want to tell anybody, because you think it makes you look weak. It's actually the opposite. If you can claim all the signs that you saw and chose to ignore, you know what it does? It strengthens your intuition, because you're honoring the fact that it's true. And if you make that part of the narrative, it will be more likely that you will see any signs in the future, and that you will trust it, because you've now owned the mistake that you made in the past. And that brings me to takeaway number seven. If it's not love, it is a lesson,
- 37:56 – 38:48
Takeaway #7: If it’s not love, it’s a lesson.
- MRMel Robbins
full stop. You see, not everybody is meant to be in your life for your lifetime. But the things that they teach you and the experiences that you have with them will stay with you for a lifetime. And so, one other thing I want you to remember is that when something ends, it ends because it was supposed to end, okay? There's something better coming. And so, when you feel ready, change your story from heartache and heartbreak and insecurity and drama, to the lesson that you learned, because remember, if it's not love, it's a lesson. Another big takeaway here was the coaching that I gave her about rehearsing what you're going to say if there's somebody in your life that you're worried about bumping into. There used to be somebody like that
- 38:48 – 40:03
Takeaway #8: Don’t be caught off guard by preparing ahead of time.
- MRMel Robbins
for me, and I think everybody has someone in the back of their mind that they're like, "Oh, my God. Dear God, please do not let me bump into them. Please do not let me see them." And for me, it used to be my college roommate. We had a huge falling out after we graduated, partially, I'd say, mostly my doing. We went back and forth with letters. This would have been 33 years ago. And I think she's complete, but I certainly was not complete. And I have thought a lot about what I would do if I bumped into her, and I used to be really scared of it, until I did this. You just need to figure out how you're going to handle the situation. That way, you're not caught off guard. You've prepared for it. It's something researchers call AB planning. Plan A is, "I'm not going to see the person. I'm not (laughs) going to bump into the person," right? Well, what do you do if you do? You have plan B in your back pocket, because you've rehearsed it, you've thought about it, you know exactly how you're going to react, because you've already rehearsed it. And that means it removes the concern from the back of your subconscious mind, and it also empowers you because you've taken control, and you now aren't going to have an awkward moment, because you will know what you're going to do. Now, number nine. We're getting near the end here. I told
- 40:03 – 41:22
Takeaway #9: You don’t need someone else to feel complete.
- MRMel Robbins
you there was a lot packed into that coaching session. You don't need another person in order to get complete. I don't need to bump into my friend to feel complete. I was the villain in our friendship ending, and so I accept that. I will welcome her with a huge hug if I ever see her. I don't even know if I would be greeted that way, but that is how I am going to respond. I have learned from my behavior. I have forgiven myself, and so I've moved on. But another person's behavior is all you need. You see, when the person ended it, when they lied to you, when they did what they end, that's all the data point that you need in order to be complete. And the other thing that you need to do is claim and identify the signs that you ignored, or in my case, own and take responsibility for the toxic behavior that you engaged in, and then, the best form of apology is honestly changing yourself for the better. A change in behavior is the best apology that you could give yourself and the best apology you could give anybody else. And finally, in life, there will be many things that you do that you regret. I just named a bunch. You know, I- I don't
- 41:22 – 45:33
Takeaway #10: Don’t let your fears hold you back.
- MRMel Robbins
like the person that I was in high school, college, or law school, because I didn't know I was dealing with childhood trauma. I hadn't ever gotten any kind of professional, uh, counseling. I didn't even know that's what the issue was. I'm not proud of the fact that I cheated on former boyfriends. I'm not proud of the way that I showed up in friendships, and I definitely regret squandering opportunities that I had in college and law school, 'cause I just didn't take full advantage of everything that was in front of me, because I couldn't. I hadn't dealt with the deeper issues yet. But here's the thing about regret. What you'll actually regret are the things you didn't do. So if you've been thinking about moving away finally from your hometown, you will regret it if you don't. You will regret it if you don't go back to school. You'll regret it if you don't start dating again. You'll regret it if you don't take your health more seriously. You'll regret it if you don't start saving for that incredible trip that you've always wanted to take, even though you know it might take you five or six years to save for it. Don't let your fears hold you back from doing the things that you know in your heart you want to do. And that brings me all the way, full circle, to the very beginning of our conversation and the two major truths I told you that we were going to talk about. The first one is how you feel about someone or something is very different than how that person or place makes you feel. I'm going to say that again. How you feel about someone else is very different than how that person makes you feel.Put the weight of your decision in how the person makes you feel. Katrina's ex made her feel angry, rejected, disrespected. That's where she needs to put the weight when she's making a decision about what she's going to move toward next. And the same thing's true about where she lives. How does Indiana make her feel right now? Well, it makes her feel small and stuck, and like she's shrinking and no longer growing. Pay attention to that and put the weight of your decision in how that place is making you feel. Now you know what to move toward. And the second, and this is the biggest truth of them all, you must know the difference between what the right decision is in your heart, versus your fear of making that decision. Always find the courage to make the decision that is in your heart, because you will never ever regret it. Now, one thing that I would regret if I didn't do it right now is, I would deeply regret not telling you that I love you. So, in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you that I love you, I believe in you. I'm so grateful to talk to you twice a week, and I believe in your ability to take these 10 takeaways and two truths about life, and apply them to go create a better life for yourself. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. (instrumental music)
Episode duration: 45:33
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