Mindset Reset: Take Control of Your Mental Habits | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 6:05

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      (ticking clock) (upbeat music) Today, we've got a crazy cool topic. We are talking about mindset. Your mind is either working for you or against you. That's what it's doing. So whether you're listening to this episode because you struggle right now with overthinking or feeling unworthy, or maybe you have a really positive outlook, but you just want to level up. You want to play a bigger game. That's where I am right now. So today, you and I are going to get serious about making your mind work for you. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to a mind-bending and really cool episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. Okay, I wanted to just start today by saying thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you to you. I often say that the Mel Robbins Podcast is not my podcast, it's our podcast, because this is a conversation between you and me, and I wanted to start off by saying thank you, because about 90 seconds ago, I got word that you have voted the Mel Robbins Podcast as the most inspirational podcast of 2022, and we have won the Listener's Choice Award for the most inspiring podcast of 2022. That is a huge deal, because we just launched two and a half months ago. So from the bottom of my heart, on behalf of my team, I just wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you for showing up, for listening, for sharing these episodes with friends and family members, for giving us feedback, for asking questions, for submitting topic ideas. This podcast is changing people's lives, and it is inspiring and empowering people around the world because of you. So thank you. And if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast and this amazing, energizing group of people that listen to this podcast, I want to say welcome. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author, and I'm one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. And today, we've got a crazy cool topic. We are talking about mindset, and before we jump into the science and the cool tactics that you're going to be able to apply to your life to change your mindset, I want to just remind you that this episode is part of a month-long series that we are doing here on the Mel Robbins Podcast about the building blocks and the research that you need to know in order to create a better life. Here's the simple truth about your mindset. Your mind is either working for you or against you. That's what it's doing. And so by the end of today's episode, there's going to be a couple things that go down. First of all, you are going to understand that you have the power to reprogram your mind. That's right. You can take simple steps and you can practice them every day to train your mind to work for you. And I'm also going to prove to you today, using very simple science, that your mind is trying to help you. It doesn't know any better if it's working against you. And when you can identify the way that you want to feel or what you want to do with your life, you can change your mindset to help you. And when you do that, here's what's super cool. It improves the day-to-day experience of your life, and it changes what it's like to be in your head. So whether you're listening to this episode because you struggle right now with overthinking or feeling unworthy, or maybe you have a really positive outlook, but you just want to level up. You want to play a bigger game. That's where I am right now. I am so ready to take a bigger swing to knock it out of the park this year, and the mindset and creating a more powerful mindset, that is a tool in your arsenal to help you achieve anything that you want. So today, you and I are going to get serious about making your mind work for you. And I want to start us off with a question from a listener named Brandy.

   2. BRBrandy4:16

      Hi there, Mel. My name is Brandy. How do I stop the spiral of negative thoughts and feelings? I really want to reset and start embracing a happier life. I just don't know where to start. I hope you can help.

   3. MRMel Robbins4:28

      Brandy, I am so happy that you asked this question, because we have received thousands of versions of this question, and I'm also kind of thrilled I picked your question in particular because you use the word reset. And today, I am going to teach you how to give yourself a mindset reset, and I'm going to explain what a mindset reset is, the simple step- the simple steps to doing it. It's all going to make sense in a couple minutes. But I want to give you a preview, so that as we step into the process of giving yourself a reset mentally, that you have a baseline understanding. So here's a preview of what we're going to talk about, okay? You have a filter in your brain, and I'm going to teach you, using science and neuroscience, how to use this filter that's already in your brain to your advantage. And everything that I'm going to teach you, you can put to practice immediately. And what I love so much about this conversation that we're about to have is that you may even experience an immediate change the first time you try this little thing I'm going to teach you. This is so cool, because the moment you experience this small change in your mindset, it will create momentum. It creates excitement. It creates possibility. There's this opening of a whole new way of thinking. But before we can get there, I want to just start with the basics so that you feel really empowered around the topic of mindset and around reprogramming this filter in your brain. So let's just start with a definition so we're all using the same terminology, and let's define,

2. 6:05 – 11:30

   What does “mindset” even mean?

   1. MRMel Robbins6:05

      you and I, what is a mindset?Well, your mindset is your beliefs and your opinions about the way that the world works. That's the definition when you look it up. However, you know that I prefer metaphors. Mel Robbins is dyslexic, so she likes to be able to visualize something, especially when we're talking about this intellectual stuff, okay? So the metaphor that I love when it comes to mindset and the sciencey, psychological, neurological aspect of mindset and brain programming is I use the metaphor sunglasses. I think about your mindset like a pair of sunglasses. So stop and think right now about your favorite pair of sunglasses. I have these sunglasses that I have had for almost 15 years. I bought them because we were going on this rafting trip, and I had forgot to pack my sunglasses, and so I bought the only cool pair of sunglasses that they had on that turnstile thing on the counter. They were like 15 bucks, and they were these huge, black, bug-eyed glasses. I feel like Jackie O when I wear 'em. So think about your favorite pair of sunglasses for just a minute. Now, I want you to think about the lens color and think about how when you put on that pair of sunglasses, that lens on your favorite sunglasses, it colors and filters what you see and it gives it a tint, right? I mean, if you put on rose-colored sunglasses, the world has a rosy, bright tint to it. If you put on amber sunglasses, same thing, gray, same thing. My big, black bug-eyed glasses that I just love, I feel so glamorous in these $15 plastic things, everything looks crazy dark, just really blocks everything out. Your mindset works the same way as a pair of sunglasses. Let's go back to the written definition of your mindset. Your mindset is made up of your beliefs and your opinions, and just like the lens on a pair of sunglasses, those beliefs and opinions that you have, they create a mindset through which you filter the world, and I'm gonna give you a couple examples. Let's say you're a pessimistic person. If that's your mindset, if that's your outlook, you will filter the world through pessimism, just like a dark pair of sunglasses skews the outside world with this black and darker shade. And if you're not pessimistic, let's just think about the most pessimistic person you know, someone who is always negative. They could be sitting on the beach in the Bahamas with a beautiful, fabulous tropical drink in their hands, sun is shining, crystal clear ocean, and they're annoyed because lunch hasn't come out yet. You know that kind of person. You've sat next to them at a wedding where the band is awesome, the couple is so cute and happy, family's together, and what is this person doing? They're bitching about something, some relative that's sitting all the way on the other side of the room. All they notice is the one thing that's wrong or irritating them. They don't even notice all of the amazing things that are going on around them. Isn't it interesting when I describe this negative, pessimistic person? You know exactly who I'm talking about, and you're probably thinking, "Dear God, do not sit them next to me at the next family wedding. I do not want to hear this, okay? I do not like that kind of mindset or that mood. I do not want dark-colored glasses skewing the way that I enjoy this situation right now." And here's the craziest thing about mindset. You know that pessimistic person you and I were just thinking about? They have no idea that they have dark glasses on. This is just the way they see the world. I'm gonna give you another example of mindset and how important this is. I want you to think about someone you work with, or maybe you go to school with this person, who has a can-do attitude. No matter how tight the deadline or how rude the customer is that you guys are waiting on or how much other team members are slacking off, this one person with a can-do attitude, they always see the bright side, or they have this unbelievable ability to just shrug off the rudeness of other people or the laziness of the students that are on your group project, and they literally can just flip it and turn to you and go, "Ah, well, you know, they probably have something going on in their personal life." It's as if they always see any situation or any relationship from the positive. They see possibility. They give people the benefit of the doubt. They assume good intent. This, too, is a mindset. It's just like putting on a rosy pair of sunglasses. Everything is sharper, clearer, brighter when you have this kind of mindset. Even a cloudy, crappy day looks like a beautiful sunrise. In fact, there's a really cool study from the University of Toronto about rose-colored glasses. This isn't just a saying. When you wear rose-colored glasses, your attitude is better, and there's even more based on this research. When you wear rose-colored glasses, you even see more. Your visual horizon is expanded because these rose-colored glasses put you in a good mood. Your mindset determines the way you view the world, and that determines how you think.

3. 11:30 – 14:26

   The truth about why mindset matters.

   1. MRMel Robbins11:31

      So I wanna do a gut check right now with you. If you had to tell the truth, or actually, let's make this really accurate. If your best friend had to describe the color of the sunglasses that you wear, would they say that you're more on the lane of the dark, bug-eyed plastic glasses that just skewed everything like it was midnight, or are you more on the range of everything's rosy, you're always positive, you are always upbeat, you see beauty where most people see nothing?...do a quick gut check with yourself, because your mindset is critical. It shapes the way you view the world, and that determines how and what you think about. It also determines how you feel about the present moment, about your past, and about the future. And most importantly, this is where it gets really important, your mindset determines what actions you take and what actions you don't take, and it also impacts how you see other people. So for example, if I asked you, "So, what's your mom like?" before you even answer the question, you subconsciously drop on sunglasses, and it filters your opinion about her. And by having a filter about another person, it also limits what's possible for her. You think she just is that way, which means there's no room for her to change. So why is mindset and getting intentional about changing your mindset, why is this so important? Why do you need to know what color the lens is that you view the world through and, more importantly, why it's time to pop those lenses out if they don't serve you and put in different lenses so that you can see things differently? I'll tell you why your mindset is so important, because so much of your potential is either limited or expanded by your mindset. I prove to you almost every single episode on the Mel Robbins Podcast that with the right attitude and consistent action, you can absolutely change anything about your life or your health or your relationships for the better. And if you're walking around right now with a really negative mindset, you've got those dark, bug-eyed glasses on, and you're sitting there every single telling yourself day in and day out that there is nothing that you can do about this situation, this job, this relationship, this health condition, that you've tried, that you failed, that you don't deserve it, that you don't know how, I want you to consider that your own mindset is keeping you stuck in that broken situation, because your mindset is

4. 14:26 – 15:32

   Is your mindset keeping you trapped?

   1. MRMel Robbins14:26

      not inspiring you to do anything about it. Being able to spot those dark lenses, pop 'em out, put in something brighter, rosier, more luminous, it's gonna change everything. And here's why. When you feel more hopeful or when you see options and you start to tell yourself, "Well, why not? Why don't I just try it? What if it works out? Why don't I just see what happens? I do deserve to be happier. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I should start speaking up," that rosier mindset, it inspires you to take the actions that change your life, and it's the actions that matter. This is why I love this topic about mindset and what you're about to learn about the filter in your brain so much, because right now, there are areas in your life where your own mindset is blocking you from taking action. And before we jump into the filter in your brain and changing your mindset, I wanna be very clear about something. This conversation today, it's not about positive thinking. You and I are talking about

5. 15:32 – 25:25

   Is this just toxic positivity?

   1. MRMel Robbins15:32

      training your mind to work for you. That's very different. This is not toxic positivity. I'm not asking you to put a positive spin on a shitty situation. I'm also very clear that thinking nice thoughts, it's not gonna get your bills paid. However, if you can get serious and intentional and strategic about training your mind to have a rosier and more optimistic and empowered attitude, you, my friend, will be able to say to yourself, "I can do this." You will be able to say, "You know what? I know my student debt is piled from the floor to the ceiling and I have not opened those bills in approximately 10 months, but I believe in my ability to figure out how to pay this off." If you can... That is an example of how you go from, "I'm fucked," to, "I can figure this out." When you take off the dark glasses, you know what you'll see? You'll see you're not stuck in the job. You're not stuck in the relationship. You're not stuck with the unhealthy habits that you have. If you're the kind of person that constantly shrugs your shoulders and is like, "Well, it is what it is. Got this college debt. It is what it is. I always date these losers. It is what it is. My grandfather was heavy. My mother was heavy. I guess I'll just be heavy and feel really bad." No. No. You can look at something differently, and when you look at it differently, you see different options. And I also wanna say one more thing before we jump into the filter in your brain and its connection to your mindset. There are things in life that you are not going to change, or at least you're not gonna change them overnight. For example, you and I cannot change that there is discrimination in this world, there is bias, and there is violence that a lot of people experience. We cannot change the fact that poverty and mental health issues impact people for real. But here's what you can do. You can train yourself to look at the future and decide how you're going to react to and respond to the s- the things that you're facing in your life. You can decide how you're gonna heal and what you're gonna do about those things for yourself and your community. And one final thing, we have a huge global audience here on the Mel Robbins Podcast, and I want you to know if you're listening in another country that I am reading all of the questions that you're submitting through the DMs and through the forums at melrobbins.com. And I see so many of you writing about your desire to create a better life and the fact that it's hard because you're living in Iran or your country is under siege like Ukraine.And I'm gonna tell you something, a positive mindset is not gonna change the reality of what is going on around you. Here's what it does, and this is why it's important, it empowers you to face it, to deal with it, and to survive it. That's what a mindset does, and that's why it's important to get serious about training your mind to work for you. And this connection between mindset and action, this is so important that I wanna give you one more example about how your mindset either inspires action or it discourages it. So let's just say that you are in a job and you hate it. You feel stuck. You feel like you're kinda dead inside. You're not excited about anything. It's day in, day out, the same thing. Or if you're not working right now, and let's say you've taken time off to raise your kids, and you're sitting there going, "I wanna get back in the workforce, but I don't have any skills and I've got a 20-year hold on my resume." If your mindset is like those dark, bug-eyed sunglasses that just muddy everything that you see, this is what you're telling yourself, "Nobody's gonna hire me. I don't have any experience. I don't even know how to write a resume. How the hell am I gonna get into interior design when I went to college for accounting and I work in a big accounting firm and I don't even know how to begin doing this? I can't make this happen." If that is the way that you look at the future, if that's your mindset, if you color what's possible through that dark lens, if you keep telling yourself those things, you will see a world where you can't change. So are you gonna feel inspired to work on your resume? Of course not. Are you gonna feel empowered to start googling and, and researching and figuring out how to go from an accounting job into interior design? No. Because your mindset has stopped you before you even started, and that's why it's critical for you to realize this is not just a conversation about your thoughts. At the end of the day, if you don't have a positive mindset, you and I can talk about actions and habits all day long till we're blue in the face, but you won't do shit about it. I gotta get you to have the kind of mindset that also says, "Hey, it's worth it. Hey, I can do something about this." Because if I can get you to be more optimistic, if I can get you to take the dark lens off and put on a lighter one, if I can get you to start believing it is worth it for you to apply, it is worth it for you to put your dating app back up, yeah, it is worth it for you to pick up the pen and start working on that book you've always wanted to write, hell yes, it's worth it for you to take 10 minutes today and lay down on the floor and do those stretching exercises that the doctor told you you should do because you threw your back out instead of sitting on the couch and bitching about it, of course it's worth it. If I can get you to start to flip from, "Ugh, easy for you to say, Mel. Works out for you, doesn't work out for me. It's not gonna help. I've had anxiety for years," if I can get you into, "Hey, maybe it will work. Hey, maybe I'm ready. Maybe I should try this. Maybe I do deserve this," that singular switch in your mindset motivates you, encourages you to take action, and that's critical, because without action, your problems are not going away. Without action, those dreams are not coming true. Without action, you are not healing the crap that's giving you pain. When you change your mindset, it doesn't make those challenges disappear, it changes your ability to face them. And so I'm gonna teach you and I'm gonna teach Brandy, remember that question? She wants, "How do I reset this, Mel? How do I stop doubting myself?" Well, I'm gonna teach you how to do a mindset reset, because the fact is, you can change your mindset. You are not stuck with the thoughts that you think. You are not stuck with the way that you feel. You can make your mind a place that supports you. Yes, you can start to see possibility where you never saw any possibility or hope before. So now that you know what a mindset is and the fact that it impacts the actions that you do or don't take, I now wanna prove to you that your mind is super flexible. It is so easily programmed, I mean, I can't even work my television remote and I can teach you how to change the filter in your brain. And your brain right now is trying its best to change in real time to help you, and I'm gonna prove that to you too. And I'm also gonna give you an example of just how flexible your mind is, how quickly you can change it. And when you start to realize, "Holy cow, Mel's right. My mind is easier to program than a television remote. Holy cow, I- I never even realized this," just you buckle up and wait, because your mind has been dying for you to learn what you're about to learn. So let's prove to you that your mind is at the ready to change to help you, okay? And I'm gonna give you an example that I am sure you have experienced in your life before, and here's the example. Buying a new car. Have you ever had an experience where you either were looking or shopping for a new car, or you were... in your family somebody was, right? Or you became interested in a new car. They're releasing this brand new Bronco, okay? And now you're super interested in it. I am personally in this boat right now. I drive a nine-year-old car, a 2014. I love this car, but it's time. It seems like the engine light is on every other week, and every time I take it to get fixed, it's like a $500 bill, and so the thing is paid off, but I'm like, "You know?"... nine years, maybe it's time. It's getting to the point. I love my car, but maybe I should get a new car. And the truth is, I'm not really a car person. I don't really give a shit about cars. I just want the car to be comfortable, I want it to work, I want it to be reliable. I want the seats to have heaters in them and the steering wheel to be a heater seat, heater thingy. I always mix those words up, but I... That's kind of what I care about, so I don't really think about cars. But you want to know what? The second I started truly considering maybe it's time to get a new car, do you know what I saw everywhere? I'm like, "Holy cow, there are a lot of cars in this tiny town in Southern Vermont that I live in." Cars are everywhere. And then as I started to hone in on the new Bronco, does everybody and their mother drive the new Bronco? It's like it's the only car on the road. The two-door, the four-door, the soft top, the hard top, the gray one, the red one, the green one. Like, they're everywhere. Now, here's the thing. A couple months ago,

6. 25:25 – 34:43

   Your brain has a filter. And if you’re not programming it, it’s probably working against you.

   1. MRMel Robbins25:25

      when I was happily driving my nine-year-old car, before the brake light has been on consistently for three months, a few months ago, I had never seen a Bronco up here in Southern Vermont. The only Bronco that I had ever seen was the one that my brother bought a year ago, and he lives in Chicago. But now that I'm interested in Broncos, I see them everywhere. And the second that I got excited about that sort of silvery blue one with the soft top, I couldn't believe it. Jessie, who runs video production for us, her husband drives one. I didn't even notice that they had a Bronco, and now everybody has not only a Bronco, but that color. And I want you to think about a time that this has happened to you, where you started to get interested in something and then it's like, whamo, overnight you see it everywhere. Maybe it was a handbag that you were really interested in, or a certain style of shoe or sneaker. You know the new Converse ones with the really, like, inch tall, uh, sole on them? All of a sudden, those things were everywhere. Or the Birkenstocks. You know the Birkenstocks that have the covered toe? It's like those were popular 30 years ago, and now every single college student and 20-something is wearing them. Uh, bangs. Uh, the second I wanted curtain bangs, it's like, does everybody have curtain bangs suddenly? Everybody that I now see has curtain bangs. Never even noticed them before. Or you hear a song and you tune in, you're like, "Ooh, I love that song. That song is so cool," and suddenly you hear the song playing in every restaurant. Maybe you haven't shopped for a car, but I bet when you were looking at colleges, it's like, wait a minute, does everybody have a Michigan sweatshirt? Does everybody's parents go there? Does e- Is there a sticker that says University of Michigan on every car? Is it just me, or is that the only college in town? It's the same thing if you want to have a baby. As soon as you are trying to get pregnant, you know what happens? You see kids and pregnant women everywhere. It's like there were only adults on the planet and people that weren't pregnant, and then you want a baby and boom, it's in your face. Or how about this one? You wanna fall in love. What do you see? You see couples in love. It's so annoying. It happens instantaneously. You know what that is, that phenomenon where all of a sudden overnight you see something everywhere? That is your mind changing in real time. That is a filter in your brain paying attention to what it thinks you are excited about or interested in, and it's changing what it's showing you in the world around you. And here's the crazy thing about your mind, and this is why this science is so exciting when you understand it. Oh my God. Here's the crazy part. You ready? The Broncos, the bangs, the Birkenstocks, the babies, they were always there all around you. You just didn't notice them. You want to know why? Because they were not important to you. The fact that you suddenly see those things everywhere, that is an example and it is proof that your brain wiring is changing in real time, and your mind is trying to help you. Your mind is showing you the Broncos that have always been there. It's like it's highlighting it with a highlighter. Why? Because it became important to you. Why would your mind let you see things sometimes, but not others? Why are you suddenly seeing the covered toe Birkenstocks now, but you didn't see them for the last five years? That's a great question, and this brings us to the topic of the filter in your mind. Ooh, I'm so excited for you to learn this. So there is a filter in your mind. It is called the reticular activating system. The reticular activating system. I am gonna call this the RAS, okay? Here's the visual, because you know your friend Mel loves visuals and metaphors to make this stuff easy. I want you to imagine that there is a hair net over your brain. This hair net is a live network of neurons, and it is constantly changing in real time. And this RAS, this network of neuron hair net that sits over your brain as a filter, it has one job, a very important job, mind you. The RAS has to determine in real time, I'm talking nanoseconds, what information it should allow into your conscious mind for you to see and register and what information it will block out from your conscious mind.Another way that you can think about the RAS is think about it like a bouncer in your brain. And the reason why you need a bouncer is because life is sort of like a very popular nightclub. Everybody wants to get in. And because there's so much, and so many people, and so many things showing up at a very popular nightclub, trying to jam their way in the door, you need a bouncer who is deciding who gets in and who has to stand in that long line, freezing their ass off in an outfit that is not appropriate for winter, trying to get in, okay? So, let's go back to the example of the car, and the purses, and the babies, and, and the University of Michigan stickers that you suddenly see everywhere. The truth is, all that stuff, all the cars on the road, all the handbags people have, the hairstyles, it was already there. It was already in your subconscious. You, quote, "saw" it, but the RAS didn't allow you to register it. It shoved it right in that line, it did not let it into your conscious mind. The RAS is the bouncer. It determines what is it that is important enough to Mel Robbins that we are going to zit, let it right in, and have her think about it. Holy shit, there's another Bronco. I'm not getting the blue-gray color now, because that's like the third one I've seen today. In fact, I don't even know that if I want a Bronco anymore, and I don't think I want bangs anymore either, because it looks like every single person that I meet has bangs. This is how the bouncer in your mind works. It literally has a guest list, and you're the one that writes the guest list out. What is on the guest list of your mind? Anything that is important to you, okay? All the other yahoos that are not on the list, all the other colleges that are on stickers on every other car, Dartmouth, Harvard, Brown, uh, University of Wittenberg, not even noticing those. Why? Because you're thinking about University of Michigan. So, all those other college stickers, they're waiting in line, they're not getting in, that bouncer won't let 'em in, but boom, there's a University of Michigan, short skirt, come on, you're going in. That's how it works. And so this is super, super important and it's really exciting, okay? It's really exciting because when you understand that there's this electric hair net on your brain called the RAS, that works like a bouncer at a popular nightclub, we can tell that bouncer what you want, who you want to let in. It's that simple. And there's another important reason for the RAS and why you need a bouncer, okay? And the reason is information overload. It's just impossible for the human brain to consciously process all the data that is liter- that is coming in through all five senses. If you just take a second and look around, and if you're driving a car, please do not take your eyes off the road, but look around wherever you are right now. There is so much stuff all around you, whether it's 50 license plates on the road ahead, every single make and model of the car, s- road signs as you're passing, the speedometer, the music input coming in, uh, feeling your rear end on the seat, the air blowing out of the, uh, vents, all that happening in a car. The, the perfume somebody's wearing, all that stuff is information coming into your brain. If you're sitting at a home office or you're sitting at home, think about all the books. I'm, I'm looking up at our production counter, there's all these bazillion Post-it notes, and I've got Jesse standing right there, and I've got six chairs in my purse, and, uh, oh, there's a kitchen towel that I just noticed on the floor of our office just laying there, just... I must have carried it up, just a dish towel laying there in the office. Now, I'm focused on it because I put my attention on it, but your RAS cannot allow you to consciously process absolutely everything you can hear, smell, feel, taste.

7. 34:43 – 39:05

   Understanding your reticular activating system

   1. MRMel Robbins34:44

      What's the other one? Smell, taste, touch. Can't do it. Your head would explode. And so your RAS, this, this bouncer with the list of what's important to you, it has to decide every nanosecond of every day what it's gonna let in and what it's gonna block out. And so, this is important because the way that it programs what comes into your conscious mind is based on what it thinks is important to you. That's it. What it thinks is important to you. And here is where the life-changing opportunity is for you and me and everybody that you know. When you get intentional about purposefully telling this bouncer what you wanna see, whether it's Broncos, or it's a certain handbag, or heck, now it's the University of Colorado, that bouncer will change up the list? The RAS reprograms itself in real time. It changes the filter. This is a live network in your brain. It changes in real time to help you see those things that are important to you. That's what you're experiencing when you suddenly see the car that you're interested in all over the road. And today, you're gonna learn how to use that scientific neurological fact to your advantage, because you are going to give yourself a mindset reset. So, let me recap what we've learned so far, because it's a lot. Number one, your mindset is like a pair of sunglasses. It filters the way you see yourself, the world, your future, absolutely everything.... your mindset triggers whether or not you take action or you don't take action at all. The second thing that you've learned is that when you change the lens through which you view the world, from something pessimistic and darker to a worldview that is more rosy and action-oriented, it's going to lead to a happier and more action-oriented life, and this is according to both research and common sense. Third, you've now learned that there is this filter in your brain, this super cool thing called the reticular activating system. It changes in real time. It is flexible, it is alive, it is a network of neuron acting like a bouncer, keeping people out of your mind, letting some things in, and right now, it's only acting based on what it thinks is important to you. And fourth, you have learned that when you get serious and intentional about what you wanna see, whether it's babies or Broncos or it's bangs, this filter in your brain will change in real time to help you achieve it, period, full stop. This is science. Now, we're gonna take a second and hear a quick word from our sponsors, but when you come back to me, I'm gonna explain how your mindset is connected to that filter in your brain, and I have a super simple, really cool little tool that you're gonna start using today to put this science around your filter to work, and your brain is gonna start working for you. We'll be right back. Woo! Okay, so let me just set the table again. I like to do that because when I listen to podcasts and I hear all the ads, I completely forget what we've talked about by the time I get back to the show. So we've been talking about your mindset, and we've also started to scratch the surface at this thing called the reticular activating system. This is that live filter in your brain that is flexible and capable of changing in a nanosecond to help you. So now I wanna go a layer deeper and I wanna start to apply this flexibility in your filter to changing your mindset. So let's start with this question from a listener named Peter.

   2. PEPeter38:51

      Hey, this is Peter from Washington. Uh, I was just wondering, how do I get past my doubts and maintain a positive mindset? Thanks, Mel.

   3. MRMel Robbins39:00

      Thanks, Peter. So I wanna focus on one aspect of your question, and that is where you said, "Getting past

8. 39:05 – 43:50

   How to beat self-doubt.

   1. MRMel Robbins39:05

      your doubts." This is where the science gets really interesting, because your belief about yourself is a mindset. I'm gonna say that again. Your belief about yourself filters how you see the world, and I'm gonna give you an example. You used the word, Peter, self-doubt. If you have a lot of self-doubt, you question yourself, you criticize yourself, you hold yourself back, what color do you think the lenses on your sunglasses are? I'm not trying to be silly here. I'm trying to make this intellectual topic very tangible and understandable. If you have a lot of self-doubt, what s- what is the color of the lenses on the sunglasses? Because this is where the filter in your brain starts to become programmed by your mindset. Now, I said earlier that your filter focuses on showing you what it thinks is important to you. How does it know what's important to you? I'll tell you. I said earlier that the RAS, that filter, its sole job is showing you what it thinks is important to you. So it begs the question, right, Peter? If you haven't been intentional, at least you didn't think you were, about telling the filter what to show you, how the hell does it know what to show you? Well, it shows you whatever you spend your time, energy, thoughts, and attention focused on. So going back to your question about self-doubt, if you doubt yourself, right, you put a lot of energy into doubting yourself. It's not just one thought. You probably do it all day long. Your thoughts are critical, you hesitate, you don't speak up, you hold yourself back. All of that is energy that makes your RAS think that doubting yourself is important. If you doubt yourself and you go into work, you know what happens to you at work? You don't see the 15 things that you do right. You know what you obsess over? The one thing you've done wrong. That one email that you sent that was a screw-up, that one customer that you didn't quite do a good job with, the one thing you've done wrong is all that you can focus on. Well, when you start to doubt yourself, this is where the RAS starts to make it worse, because your RAS sees you spending so much energy and mental fuel in criticizing, doubting, and hesitating. And so your RAS thinks, "Oh my gosh, ding, ding, ding, Peter thinks it's important for him to see what's wrong," and so your RAS blocks the 15 things that you did right. You know what you did today, Peter? You sent 32 emails. Great job. You didn't see it though. You did a great job with those five customers. You're not giving yourself credit though. You were amazing in that meeting earlier. Not getting credit for that either. But the one email, the one email, that bouncer's like, "Come to the front of the line. I'll take the email that is negative with the short skirt, and that email is getting in." Just like a dark pair of sunglasses shades everything, when you doubt yourself, it shades your mindset towards self-doubt, and then your brain gets involved. When the email from your boss comes in, "Hey, can you stop by my office before you leave today?"How do you think Peter's RAS interprets that email, if he doubts himself? I'll tell you how. When he reads, "Can you stop by my office before you leave today?" his RAS goes, "Oh, shit!" Because you've trained it to look for things that aren't right. By putting so much time and energy into focusing on your self-doubt, you are also training the filter in your brain to filter out everything that's going right and to focus only on the one thing that's going wrong, thereby magnifying the self-doubt. Let's go back to an earlier example. Remember that pessimistic friend sitting on the beach that's bitching that lunch hasn't come, or that pessimistic relative that is bitching about the family member that's halfway across the tent? It's all they see. They can't even see the beautiful water, or the happy couple, or anything else good. Why? Because their pessimism is what has programmed their reticular activating system. This is how mindset and the filter in your brain get linked.

9. 43:50 – 47:08

   How mindset fuses to your RAS

   1. MRMel Robbins43:50

      They become fused together. All you see is the reasons you should doubt yourself. It's how you fil- so first, it starts with a mindset. You're thinking negative thoughts, and then your filter gets involved, and next thing you know, you're just seeing more and more and more and more reasons to doubt yourself. And here's something that you may be thinking right now: Why is my brain doing this to me? Why is my brain against me? Your brain is not working against you. It's just responding to where your mindset and all your energy is going. That's it. It follows your energy and your focus. And this is the good news, okay? If you get intentional about searching for reasons to feel proud or for the small wins, the 15, 32 emails that you sent, the good things that you did, the places where you're showing up, your mind will spin like a top, and all of a sudden, just like you saw broncos and babies in Birkenstocks, instead of seeing the one thing that you did wrong, you will see the 15 things that you did right. This is not a joke. It's hard science. This also, by the way, ties right back into the endless science about the power of a gratitude practice. A gratitude practice is a way to train your mind. A gratitude practice is teaching the RAS that being grateful, and taking times to savor beautiful moments, and focusing on things that you're really proud of and you appreciate, that that's important to you, so you see more of it. That's how this all works, hand-in-hand. And I wanna give you one more example, okay? Because I think this is challenging at times to see in ourselves, because we're so used to seeing the world through a certain lens that we don't even realize we're wearing sunglasses. But it is kind of easy to spot in other people. So here's one more example about how your own beliefs and mindset about yourself or a situation that you're in can become paralyzing, because the filter in your brain keeps the mindset in place, okay? So, think about somebody that you love who's single, and they are desperate to meet the right person, and the longer they stay single, the more and more insecure they get by the day. And when you see them, you see a person who is smart, who's awesome, who's hilarious, who's loyal, who's sexy, who's amazing, who would be the most incredible person to be in a relationship with. But I want you to just imagine that the color of the lens on your glasses when you look through your belief about them, it's completely different than the color of the lens on their glasses when, day in and day out, all this person can think is, "Why can't I find somebody? I'll never find somebody. Why does everybody else have somebody? I see all my friends getting approached at the bars. I see my friends getting asked out. Why am I not getting asked out?" What you've now

10. 47:08 – 54:27

    Why you’re not meeting that special someone.

    1. MRMel Robbins47:08

       learned about the mindset and belief about yourself and the way your filter responds in real time is the more energy you put into a negative narrative like this, "It's never gonna work out for me. Nobody's ever gonna love me. I am unlovable. Everybody else has a date. I'm never gonna have a date," the more that mindset and that belief becomes a self fulfilling situation. Why? Because you're putting so much energy into the negative that the filter in your brain is now going to filter the world in a way to reinforce the negative story. When you walk into a bar, all you're gonna see are all the couples. You're not even gonna focus on all the other people that are single that you should walk up and talk to. That's the bouncer in your brain aligning with where your energy is. This also explains why you, as the friend, see the opposite, and you can tell the person over and over and over again, "You need to calm down. You're amazing. You are gonna find an amazing person. You're n- it's not that you're not gonna meet somebody, you just haven't met the right person yet." It's the exact same situation, but because both of you have different mindsets and beliefs about the situation, you see it through a different lens, and you both believe, by the way, that your belief is the truth. And this simple example highlights how your mindset and how you view the world impacts the filter in your brain, because the more that this carries on for your friend, the less your friend is gonna put themselves out there, because they're slowly convincing themselves that this is never gonna happen, so why bother?And the more that you see them pulling back, the more that your belief is gonna become, "But you need to, but you're the one holding your back," ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. See, the filter in your brain, it's either gonna make the situation worse or, and this is what I wanna teach you, it can make it better, but that depends on your ability to get serious about programming it. Because wouldn't you love it if your friend who wanted to meet somebody would still have a positive mindset or a rosy outlook so that they don't just latch onto some loser? Because you would probably do anything to make sure that this friend of yours, this person that you love, would maintain a positive mindset and a rosy outlook. Why do you want them to maintain that? I'll tell you why, because your mindset dictates your actions, and if you can stay positive, if you can stay optimistic, if you c- can keep saying to yourself, "There is nothing wrong with me, I just haven't met the right person yet, but one of these days, the right person will walk in, and in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep being me," if they can get intentional about creating that mindset, a number of things are gonna happen. They're not gonna become insecure, they're not gonna start acting all weird around people, and they are not gonna latch onto some loser just because they're starting to convince themselves that they're desperate and this is their only option, because we both know that's not true. There's eight billion people in the world, and right now, the right one has not walked into your life, but they will if you can maintain a positive attitude, and the secret is training the RAS and catching your negative mindset and swapping it out for a more positive one, because as you're learning, the thoughts that you think dictate the world that you see, the way that you feel, and the actions that you take. Noticing this, that you have a mindset that's holding you back, that's the first step. Second, asking yourself if it's serving you, that's the second step, and the third step, you just gotta get serious about making your mind work for you, because you can. If you're breathing, you can change this. Even if your default is negative and pessimistic, you can teach yourself to be optimistic, and I'm gonna give you one more example. If you are somebody that loves social media, if you've ever seen the Instagram Explore page or the TikTok Discover page, you'll notice that it changes in real time because those pages are filters and they respond to what it thinks is important to you. So if you click on a puppy, all of a sudden, that Discover page, it's gonna be all puppy videos. I went through this phase where I was really into, like, long nails, and suddenly, that Discover page went from puppies to long nails. And it doesn't matter if you accidentally click on Beyoncé videos or on some other thing, wedding videos, the algorithm is going to think that that's what you wanna see, so suddenly, that's all that you see, and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. Your brain's the same way. Once you focus on something, your brain starts showing you more. My daughter had this huge breakthrough about how she felt about herself based on social media and on her brain because she realized, "Oh my God, my Explore page, it's all fitness models, and it's fitness models that are in photos of waist trainers and wearing body makeup and taking these crazy filtered, uh, photos in these contorted positions to make themselves look like they have a waist that's two inches small." I mean, of course she felt like shit about her body. Why? Because she was seeing it over and over and over again, and so her brain started thinking, "Oh, well, this must matter to you," and then the social media pages start aggregating it and showing you more and more and more. And so as that all starts to happen, you start to believe that everybody on the planet is the size of your pinky finger, which then, of course, invalidates the fact that you have this big, beautiful, amazing, strong body and you look fabulous, but it doesn't matter 'cause it doesn't match all this crap that's being shown in your face. This is how your brain works too, and you gotta get on top of this. So before we walk through the mindset reset process when these thoughts pop in, here's a pro tip. Get serious about what accounts you follow. I mean, you definitely wanna follow The Mel Robbins Podcast and Mel Robbins because everything we put up is a way to train your brain to work for you, but when we come back, I'm gonna give you the simple exercise backed by research that is astonishing, because when you start to put it to use, you will experience your brain changing in real time. Welcome back. We've been talking about mindset, the filter in your brain called the RAS, and how to give yourself a mindset reset. Look, I wanna also say one thing too. This stuff is kinda heady, so I'm doing my best to keep this, like, fun and visual because when you get lost in thought, it's gonna be hard to apply this. And so first of all, I wanna commend you for sticking with this because now we're gonna dig into the exercise. I wanted you to have the understanding because oftentimes, I personally find that if somebody just throws a science-backed tip or exercise or tool or tactic or strategy at me, it sounds so dumb on the surface that without the underlying kind of research and mechanics and science that explains why this simple thing works, you will literally roll your eyes and not do it. So, now that you have that background, I'm gonna reward you with the exercise that I want you to practice, and this one is simple. So if you're cynical, if you're really smart, if you're analytical, it will sound stupid, but I want you to hang in there because there is a really powerful

11. 54:27 – 1:00:57

    The fun and simple brain game I play with my daughters.

    1. MRMel Robbins54:27

       thing going on in your neural pathways when you try this, and it's also an incredibly cool and fun thing to do with your family, with your friends. In fact, I get texts from people all over the world who are doing it, and my kids who do not live with us, our two adult daughters, they constantly text me pictures of what I'm about to ask you to do. So, I promise you, it's worth trying.This is an exercise called Looking for Hearts, and this is how you play it. Every single day when you wake up, you are going to go on a scavenger hunt in your day-to-day life, and you are going to try to find a naturally occurring heart shape somewhere in the world. It could be a cloud that's shaped like a heart. You could look at your coffee and see that the foam on top has made the shape of a heart. You might get out of your car and you'll see a stain on the floor or a leaf that's the shape of a heart. I constantly, constantly see rocks. I see heart shapes in the top of mountain ranges. I see the shape of hearts, uh, in brick buildings all the time in terms of the different colors of bricks. And here's what's interesting about this. What you'll realize is that there are probably, huh, 10,000 heart shapes that are around you in your day-to-day life. The stain on the carpet, the spot on your dog's back, the tear in a pair of pants, the shape of a leaf. They're everywhere. They're absolutely everywhere, and right now, you walk right by them. Why? Well, because they're not important to you. You have not told the bouncer of your brain to let the hearts in to the nightclub. So you are walking right past all these things, and they are actively being blocked out. It is not in your conscious mind. The second you start playing this game, Find a Heart, you will experience something amazing. You will experience your brain going to work for you. And so here's how I want you to play this, because I do want you to play this every single day. This is truly not a game about finding hearts. This is about training your mind. This is a game where you are telling your mind, "I am the fricking boss. Bouncer of the mind, I pay your salary. You are going to do what I tell you to do. You are gonna find me a heart. And if you wanna get paid, you are gonna find me a heart. That is your job today. Find me a heart." So get intentional about that. And then I want you to go through your life and just let a heart shape in. And when you see it, here's what I want you to do. And if you're really analytical, you're gonna think this is the cheesiest damn thing you've ever heard, but I want you to do this because there's neuroscience involved. When you see that heart, I want you to pause, and I want you to really stare at it for a minute. You can take a photo of it. If it's a rock, you can pick it up, or a leaf and take it with you. Because I want you to reward your brain for being flexible and for trying to help you. I want you to take that moment, for real. As cheesy as this sounds, the foam on the top of your coffee, the shadow on the floor, I want you to take a minute and really savor it, and literally just go, "Holy shit, there it is. That's pretty cool. Yesterday, I walked right past this and I didn't even see it. Thank you, mind. Wow." Y- y- y- you just changed in real time. You just let something in that I asked you to let that in. And if you really wanna supersize this, if you're somebody that's really struggling with a sense of self-worth, or hope, or really believing that you can turn things around, I want you to look at that and tell yourself that that was placed there for you to find, that this was placed there because you needed to see evidence that it is in fact possible to change the way you think. It is in fact possible to tell your mind what you wanna see more evidence of and for your mind to work for you. And once you see one heart, you will start seeing hearts everywhere. The more hearts that you see, the more that you are connecting into magic, the more that you realize that your brain is trying very hard to help you. It is gonna point out hearts in the moss. It's gonna point out hearts on the sidewalk. You're gonna see hearts on people's clothing. You're gonna see them in paintings. It's weird. They're like everywhere. It's as if there is this entire world that you and I live in, and we walk by it every single day. And I think that's true about everything that you want, that there is evidence all around you that things are working out, that people are trying to help you, if you're willing to see it. You know, at the end of the day, Finding Hearts is not about finding hearts. It is about something so much bigger, because it's proof that you can change the wiring in your mind. You can manipulate and program this filter, the RAS, to make it work for you. And every time you see a heart, it is evidence that it is true. And so it's important because this is the first step of a mindset reset. Because if you didn't think, "Hmm, my mind can change, it can allow me to see the world differently," if I can't get you to see and experience that, you will never even bother trying thought substitution. And I will say there is something that some of you may experience. So this comes from Natey in Germany, and she wrote, "You know, Mel, I loved what you said about looking for hearts, and I've been trying it, and I even saw two hearts within an hour, but then I got nervous and was almost afraid to find them. So how do you overcome the fear of making things better?"I relate to this because

12. 1:00:57 – 1:07:37

    How to overcome to the fear of making things better for yourself

    1. MRMel Robbins1:00:57

       we're used to the way that things are. We're used to the default programming in our minds, even if it makes us miserable. And when you start to catch a glimpse of how things could be different, I think sometimes if you've experienced a tremendous amount of heartache, or you've tried so many times to put yourself out there, the idea of believing again, that it's worth trying again, that that is what's scary. Here's what I have to say to you. This is not about hope. This is hard science, because you're living with programming right now, and I am here to tell you it's outdated. In fact, when you start to really play around with this next piece of how you change the way that you think, you're gonna realize that you're not even listening to your voice. You're listening to someone else's voice. It's probably your mom's or your dad's or another caregiver's. Because that negativity that's in your mind that chips away at you, that default programming that you don't even really hear, for me, I call it my campaign of misery. I did not create this when I was six or seven or eight. I was taught this. And so you're gonna start to realize that not only do you have the power to change the filter, yes, you can see reasons to be happy. Yes, you can spot wins instead of reasons why you're a loser. Yeah, you can pay more attention to the people in your life that make you feel great instead of chasing the ones that make you feel like crap. You can change all of this. You can make your mind work for you. But what you're gonna realize very quickly is, holy cow, like, there's this default thing in my mind that's, like, fighting my desire to be happy. It's fighting my desire to win. And so that's where we're gonna go next, because there is an entirely different reality. One of the reasons why I always say to you is, I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a better life. The reason why I say that to you all the freaking time, and I mean it, is because I know you don't say that to yourself, and I didn't say that to myself for a long time either, and I don't need to meet you to say I love you, because love is a verb. Love is how you show up in the world. This podcast is an act of love for me. It is a way to connect with you. It's a way for me to support you and empower you, and I show up here 'cause I do believe in you. You... I don't care what's happened to you. You cannot convince me that you cannot change. I have way too much evidence on my side. You only have your experience. I've got an army of a million people that I've seen change, and so I know you can change because I know you can take the actions to make your mind a better place. You can take the actions to make your life feel better. You can take the actions to improve your relationship with yourself. And this is the most exciting part, this is the thing I am working on myself day in and day out, you can take the actions that reclaim your brain, that reprogram your mind, and that make your mindset and your thoughts work for you. I mean, all this shit is made up that we're saying anyway, so if you can think bad thoughts, why not think good ones? Does it actually make you happy to tell yourself that you suck and that there's something wrong with you? And is it even true? So if you can make that crap up, if you can adopt what somebody else says about you, can't you make up your own? Of course you can. And so let's get to that substitution diet. This is the Mel Robbins way to describe what researchers call cognitive bias modification. It's literally catching default thoughts and substituting something better. And one of the best example of this is the next time that you start obsessing, obsessing over what could go wrong. What if I don't like it? What if it doesn't work? What if I get rejected? What if da-da-da-da-da-da? What if I look stupid? What if they judge me? What if this? What... Say this: What if it works out? What if it works out? The more you say out loud, "What if it works out?" you substitute the negative bullshit with something positive. What if it works out? I mean, can you argue with me on that one? What if it works out? I didn't say it will work out. I said, what if it does? 'Cause you don't know whether it's gonna work out or not, do you? And when you allow your default wiring to filter the world with the belief and the thought that, what if it doesn't work out, what if I fail, what if this, what if that, those thoughts filter the world a certain way. The thought, what if it doesn't work out, makes you not apply. It makes you not write that book. It makes you not go to the gym. It makes you sit home alone. Those thoughts are filtering your experience of life a particular way, and because the filter in your brain is paying attention to what you care about, it believes that's what you want. So as you scan the world around you, you see reasons why it's not gonna work out. Didn't happen last time. It's a weird world after the pandemic.I don't want to embarrass myself. I feel uncomfortable. When you start to engage in thought substitution, What if it all works out? What if leaving my house is the best decision I've made in a decade? What if I meet the person that I was destined to meet? What if going to 90 meetings in 90 days at AA changes my life? What if it all works out? See how that mindset switch, cognitive bias modification, see how that leads you to feeling more encouraged?

13. 1:07:37 – 1:15:59

    The simple mindset flip that will change your life

    1. MRMel Robbins1:07:37

       What if I make these 10 cold calls and nobody takes the call, but I'm okay? What if I walk up to this house that I think is going to go on the market and I knock on the door, and it turns out I buy it before it comes on the market? What if I get into my dream school? You're more likely to apply if you're like, "Well, what if it does work out?" And this is why this is so important, because your brain is paying attention to what's important to you, and I don't think any of us have a clue how much air time we give to negative thinking, to beating ourselves down, to assuming that life is going against you, to thinking something's wrong, to beating yourself up, to comparing yourself to other people. And when you start to pay attention to two facts, number one, your mind is trying to help you, and number two, when you figure out what's important to you and you make it a priority, your mind will adjust in real time and help you see an entirely new world. And when you see that it's possible that you could get into your dream school, that's a whole new world. When you see that it's possible that you'll make the best friends of your life in the next year of your life, a whole new world is possible. When you see that you can not only get your dream job, but you can land your dream job and it has a bonus, a whole new world is possible, and it begins with two simple things I want you to do. Look for hearts so you experience that a whole new world is possible, that there's a world that you're walking by every day. This is critical. I do this every single day. And, you know, it sounds like such a dumb thing, and I often think about, you know, this moment where a reporter's like, "So what's your secret to success?" And I'm like, "Look, I look for a heart every day." I mean, it sounds so stupid, doesn't it? But what I'm actually saying is, I am actively engaged in the process of training my brain. Just like you would lift weights or resist weights or whatever it is that you do if you want biceps, you are training your body to be strong, I'm training my mind every single day to work for me. And every time I see a heart, it's a reminder, oh yeah, my brain will tell me what I want it to tell me, and so I can either let the campaign of misery take control of my RAS or I can tell my brain, no, it is important to be happy. It is important to feel like I'm winning. It's important to put myself out there in light. I need some help with this brain. And so the hearts for me is a simple way to explain this profound amount of research out there and put it into practical use, and this idea of a substitution diet for the shit you've been thinking forever that no longer serves you. That's a simple way for me to explain to you, you- you're not stuck with the thoughts that you think. That idea right there, that's the whole thing. That's everything. You are not stuck with the thoughts that you think. You can let them rise up, but you don't have to grab 'em and grip onto 'em and wrestle 'em to the ground. You can be like, "Oh, there's that stupid thought that my dad taught me to think. Bye, Dad." I choose to think something else, because I know what cognitive bias modification is, and that horse shit that you said, that I was a failure or didn't mount up to something or wasn't wanted, I don't believe that shit anymore, because it's important to me to not only see hearts, but it's important to me to encourage myself, to believe in myself, to believe in my life, and my effort, and my ability, because that's what I believe. That's why I'm here. You can do th- If I can do this shit, you can do this stuff. You have no idea how screwed up I was. If you wanted to go toe-to-toe with somebody that had, like, the darkest thoughts in the world, Mel Robbins will go toe-to-toe with you any day. And you cannot get rid of it entirely, but thought by thought, you can learn how to not get hooked by it, and you can learn how to start to reprogram your mind. And I'm also going to tell you something. I said at the very beginning, this is not one and done. Like, this is not toxic positivity. I'm not here to sell you a pill to make your problems go away. I'm here to tell you that there will be times in your life where the negativity comes back, and the default comes back, and things get overwhelming. That happened to me just six months ago. When big things happen in your life, it can take you down for a little bit. But coming back to this stuff over and o- Looking for hearts. There's the confirmation. I still... Even though life sucks, my, my brain is still trying to help me.And really, I'm telling you, I call it hand-to-hand combat with your mind because that's what you're engaged in. Those negative thoughts either hook you and take you down or you're like, "Bup. That's interesting. My grandmother's still bitching at me, and she's dead. I don't really need this in my default program anymore." You know, that's what's available to you. So I mentioned earlier that, um, this, uh, cognitive bias modification, uh, tools that we're talking about today work because not only have I used them in my own life, but also because we've had 250,000 students that I've taught a course about reframing your mindset, resetting your mindset too, and we do these extensive surveys afterwards. And one of the things that I, uh, know from our data is that the number one negative thought that people struggle with is, "I'm not good enough." And I believe that everybody struggles with this. There are two reasons why. Number one, many of you grew up in a household where your lived experience was that you were told you weren't good enough or you felt like you weren't good enough. And even if you grew up in a household where you didn't feel that way, you felt safe, you felt secure, you went to an elementary school or a middle school and you went through the period of human development called adolescence and teenage years where you separate from your family, and your number one objective developmentally is to bond with friends. And it's during that horrendous period of time that we call middle school that most of us start to size ourselves up in relation to other groups of people. "Oh, they're the theater kids. I'm not good enough for them. Oh, the sports kids, I'm not good enough for them. Oh, the rich kids, I'm not good enough for them." It's a protection mechanism because you don't want to get hurt by approaching a group that you think is going to reject you. This is totally normal. We all have it. And ironically, what we do is we tell ourselves we're not good enough for certain groups or certain people, but our brains pay attention. And our brains, at that little age, and the filter in our brain starts to change and starts to scan the world for all the places you don't belong. That's my opinion about where it begins. It is part of everybody's development to go through this period where life is a sorting hat and you're trying to figure out where you fit in. And I wish that our brains did the opposite and basically scanned the world and were like, "Oh, let's just scan and see all the opportunities

14. 1:15:59 – 1:20:51

    I want this for you.

    1. MRMel Robbins1:15:59

       to fit in," so that you amplify your strengths. But instead, we focus on our lack, and we do it as little kids, and because we've been doing it for so long, whether it began inside your, your home because of how you were treated or in your community because of how you were treated, it definitely was an experience that you had when you were younger of trying to fit in. It happens to all of us. And the opportunity of your adult life and the rest of the time that you have is to reclaim your experience of life, to see all the places not where you don't fit in, but all the places where you can go, all the places where you could be, all the wins that you have, all the strengths that you have, all the magic you have to give. That's the opportunity when it comes to changing your mindset and changing your brain, and when you take that on... Because I believe that's true. I believe you fit in. I believe you belong. I believe you have incredible gifts to share with the world. I believe that you deserve happiness. I believe that you have huge wins every single day and that I want you to give yourself credit for them. I believe that you've survived a ton of crap, and you don't even give yourself credit for that. I believe that you're pretty awesome, and I want you to start to have a brain that filters the world in that direction. And so, that's why I'm telling you this. We all struggle with it to some extent, and in moments of weakness, it's going to be there again, but that's okay because you can search for hearts and you can tell yourself, "What if it all works out?" You can remind yourself that we're all a work in progress. You can look for wins every day instead of the things that went wrong. You can spend more time with people that make you feel good instead of chasing places you really don't like. All this is possible, and I want this for you, which is why I hope you'll try this. And simple reframes if you don't feel good enough is you can s- be like, "I'm a work in progress. I can figure it out. The people who love me are the people who I need in my life." This is important. I, I really hope you take this on, and this is the work that you'll do for the rest of your life, and it, it's worth it because the happiest days of our lives are the road ahead of us. Truly, I want that for both of us, and I've spent far too much time beating myself up and looking for what's wrong and searching for reasons to feel tortured or lonely and to stop myself. It's just horse shit. I'm so sick of it, and I'm sure you're sick of it too. And, you know, I'm sharing all this because even though I teach this stuff, it's easy stuff to listen to or talk about. You gotta put it into practice, and so do I. You gotta catch yourself when the negativity starts. You gotta cut off the voice in your head that is not your own. You gotta knock this middle school shit off and start claiming your adult life because you do deserve to be happy, and even if you don't love yourself, I'll tell you what, I love you. Even if you don't believe in yourself, that's okay. I believe in you, and I'm gonna keep on saying it until you catch up with me because I do believe that you can take the steps to reprogram your mind. You can take the steps to shut up that negativity in your head. You can take the steps to filter the world in an entirely new way and see how it's working to help you, and it doesn't take a whole lot of time to create a better life. Now go find a heart. I love you. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah!

Episode duration: 1:20:52