The Mel Robbins PodcastOne Powerful Hack to Live a Meaningful Life | The Mel Robbins Podcast
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
80 min read · 15,731 words- 0:00 – 2:12
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
Woo, there is something in the air today. I cannot wait to jump into our topic today. The universe is saying we have to talk about tattoos. I'm really excited because first of all, my husband Chris is here. Hi, Chris.
- CRChris Robbins
Hi, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) And I had to get Chris here because I am going to answer one of the most frequently asked questions that I get, and it is a question that is very personal. (upbeat music) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an episode of the Mel Robbins podcast that will leave a lasting impression. (laughs) Woo, there is something in the air today. I cannot wait to jump into our topic today. For those of you that are new, I just want to say welcome. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's leading experts on change, motivation, and habits, and I believe that there are simple things that you and I can do based on research and common sense that'll help us create a better life. And today, I'm really excited because first of all, my husband Chris is here. Hi, Chris.
- CRChris Robbins
Hi, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) And I had to get Chris here because I am going to answer one of the most frequently asked questions that I get, and it is a question that is very personal. In fact, so many of you are curious about this that you've gone to Google to try to figure out the answer to this personal question about Mel Robbins, just like one of our listeners, Jonathan, did.
- JOJonathan
Hi, Mel, it's Jonathan. Uh, I'm a big fan of the podcast. I often watch the video version on YouTube. Uh, I noticed in one of the recent episodes that you have a tattoo on your wrist. I tried looking it up online. Um, I found a bunch of people who have the five-second-rule tattoos, but I couldn't find the story behind your tattoo. So, I know everything in your life is very intentional, so I'm curious, what is it and why did you get it? Thanks, Mel.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Jonathan, I love that you asked this question. I love that you went to Google and saw all the five-second-rule tattoos, and I
- 2:12 – 7:41
I’m answering this personal question so many of you have been asking
- MRMel Robbins
get asked all the time about this tattoo that I have on the inside of my right wrist. In fact, just last week, I was speaking at this major event for all of these leaders that are figuring out, like, advanced solutions for diseases like cancer, and can you guess, Chris-
- CRChris Robbins
Mm-mm. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... when I opened it up to Q&A, what the first question was that I was asked by this audience of pharmaceutical executives?
- CRChris Robbins
What's your tattoo say?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. (laughs) And even last night, we had three couples over, and what were we talking about?
- CRChris Robbins
Tattoos.
- MRMel Robbins
Tattoos. And this morning, this morning, every single morning, many of you know if you've been listening to the podcast that I have a really good friend and colleague named Amy, and Amy always pulls cards in the morning that helps us set an intention. And this morning, she pulled a card, and what was on that card, Chris?
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) All about tattoos?
- MRMel Robbins
All about, like, your intention and it being etched in, like, with, with, like, this permanence, like a tattoo. And so I'm like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I... Something is going on here. The universe is saying we have to talk about tattoos. And so I've dragged Chris here, and he has, uh, he's got a kind of a smirk on his face, and our dogs are also sitting here sleeping at our feet. So we're gonna dig in to the story about the tattoo. But I want to just say something, that the tattoo story, it's just the tip of the iceberg. What we're really talking about today is a really important subject that both of us believe, and that is that there are simple tools that you can use that act like lifelines in your life, and those tools are meaningful mantras, temporary or, uh, permanent tattoos, or there are ways that you can use even a simple Post-it note as a environmental cue. That's what a researcher calls it. You can use a simple Post-it note to act like a lifeline to remind you that you have the power inside of you to face something, and in those moments where it really counts and you're trying to level up that, yes, you can show up in this moment and you can perform your best. And so while we're gonna start with the tattoo story, which is a great story, um, we're gonna get to a deeper topic here. And by the time you're done listening to this episode, you're gonna have a phrase that you've identified that will act like a lifeline for you moving forward, and because I always say this is not just a listening podcast, it's a doing one, I'm gonna ask you to do something specific, and no, it's not to go get a tattoo. So on the topic of tattoos-
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) If you have a tattoo or you know someone who does, you know that every tattoo has a story, and mine, uh, begins just a few weeks before our 15th wedding anniversary. Can you believe this? We've been married 26 years, so this would have been 11 years ago, right? 11 years ago. Yeah, 11 years ago. 11 years ago was 2012, and Chris, let's just set the table for everybody, because 11 years ago, our life looked really different. 2012, you were still in the restaurant business.
- CRChris Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
We were 800 grand in debt.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
We were struggling with drinking issues, and we were trying to make the ends meet.
- CRChris Robbins
And we thought a tattoo was gonna save us. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) Hey, we thought it would distract us. We, we decided that on our-
- CRChris Robbins
No, it was our anniversary.
- MRMel Robbins
It was our anniversary.And so we decided that it would be cool if we got tattoos on the date of our 15th wedding anniversary, and-
- CRChris Robbins
Provided it wasn't the same tattoo.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, see this is the thing. I wanted to get matching tattoos.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I thought it would be super cool if you and I got the exact same tattoo on our 15th wedding anniversary. And what was your response?
- CRChris Robbins
Never.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, I think it was, "No fucking way."
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
In fact, I think you said, "That is so cheesy, we are bound for divorce if we get matching tattoos. We are not doing that." And so, that was kind of my idea, and Chris just shot it out of the sky. Boom, not happening. And so we got-
- CRChris Robbins
Do you remember what my reaction was to even getting a tat- We had been talking about it maybe a little bit.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't remember. Do you remember yours?
- CRChris Robbins
Was it an out of the blue idea that, "Hey, let's do this for our anniversary," or we had talked about it before?
- 7:41 – 10:57
Chris shares his powerful story for the tattoo he etched on his forearm.
- MRMel Robbins
what it was going to be.
- CRChris Robbins
I grew up as a ski racer, and was competing in races every weekend in my teenage years, and I was always that kid in the starting gate that was shaken like a leaf and worried about, not the race, but the outcome. You know, I was, I was in my head thinking about what was going to be my time and how it was going to line up, and, um...
- MRMel Robbins
And would it freak you out?
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah. I was always, it, it was always about the result.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- CRChris Robbins
You know, the, the end game, if you will, for me.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- CRChris Robbins
Or at least this was the observation that ultimately my dad had of me. And my dad was often at these races, and he, he helped me see the racing and the course a little bit differently by constantly suggesting that I just take it one gate at a time.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
To just, rather than think about the big picture or the end game, just one gate, one gate at a time. And along the years, my dad and I would converse about this, uh, without ever necessarily giving it a name of a philosophy, if you will, but he wrote a letter to me about it one day, and that was my, that was my wake-up, my tattoo wake-up call-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- CRChris Robbins
... that I decided to pull the handwriting off of a letter my dad authored about just taking things one gate at a time. And so that became, (laughs) that became my tattoo idea.
- MRMel Robbins
And, and so describe where it is and what it is.
- CRChris Robbins
I put this tattoo on my forearm, on my left forearm, and I didn't necessarily have a vision for having it kind of be oriented such that I could read it really easily.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
But ultimately it was the tattoo artist who suggested kind of the, the right placement of it. But it's, yeah, it just says o- the word "one" and the word "gate," "one gate," written in my dad's ha- handwriting.
- MRMel Robbins
It's beautiful. And so being the shallow piece of shit that I am at times-
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... when Chris, uh, announced that he had figured out his tattoo and that he was going to take his dead father's handwritten letter to a tattoo artist and have that tattoo artist lift those two words, "one gate," in his father's handwriting and put it on his left forearm where he could see it and have as a reminder, I thought, "That is the best damn idea, and now I have no idea what the hell I am going to tattoo on my body." That is so... I was so pissed and so jealous that you had such a good idea. And you guys, I freaked out and stressed out until the night before we were supposed to get tattoos.
- 10:57 – 12:52
The inspiration for my own tattoo came from this.
- MRMel Robbins
The night before we were going to go into this appointment, our 15th wedding anniversary, I still had no idea what I was gonna put on my body. And then luckily, a friend of ours who was one of my very first clients when I became a life coach, Daiva, who owns the amazing store in Boston called Matsu, she stopped by to say hi, and we started talking about the tattoo. And I said, "I have no idea what I want." She agreed, "Chris's idea? That was a really good idea. Really good idea." And I, um-
- CRChris Robbins
I didn't know Daiva was the origin-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CRChris Robbins
... of this idea for you.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, so what happened is I, I started saying, "I, I don't know what to do." And, and she said, "Well, I know what it should be." I'm like, "You do? What should it be?" And she said, "It should say, 'It shall be.'" I said, "What? What, what, what do you mean it should say, 'It shall be?'" She said, "You say it all the time." I said, "No, I don't." She said, "Yes, you do." I said, "No, I don't." She said, "Mel, you have coached me for years. You always say if you put in the work and you hold the belief that it'll happen, at some point, it shall be."I had honestly never realized that I had used that phrase when coaching other people. And as she said it, in that way, it just kind of went clunk. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put the words "it shall be" on the inside of my right wrist, and it will be both a reminder to me that if I do the work, if I have faith, if I keep my head down, and if I give up my timeline, it shall be. It'll all work out. It'll be fine. And, um, so that was that. Now, meanwhile, there's another twist to this story. Because do you remember what happened on our actual
- 12:52 – 16:08
You won’t believe what happened on our 15th wedding anniversary.
- MRMel Robbins
15th wedding anniversary?
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) Do I ever. That's the funniest part of the whole story.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, well, tell everybody.
- CRChris Robbins
Well, just that Mel had, Mel, you were in radio at the time, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, it was when I was a radio host. So you guys, Chris was still in the restaurant business.
- CRChris Robbins
So she had-
- MRMel Robbins
We were struggling financially.
- CRChris Robbins
She had, she was doing some show in Boston, and she had, it wasn't the tattoo artist, you had, you had had some show talking about tattoos, right?
- MRMel Robbins
Correct. Correct.
- CRChris Robbins
Throwback. And, um...
- MRMel Robbins
All these people called in.
- CRChris Robbins
And they suggested, like, the best tattoo parlor in town.
- MRMel Robbins
Correct.
- CRChris Robbins
If you're going to get a tattoo, you have to go to this guy.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CRChris Robbins
And you, of course, took it upon yourself to book us the appointment, which was, at that point, had to have been six months out.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, and they had a huge wait list. So you couldn't even get in-
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... until, like, four months out. We booked this things six months out, you guys.
- CRChris Robbins
So you plan it for-
- MRMel Robbins
Put down this big ass deposit.
- CRChris Robbins
... for our anniversary.
- MRMel Robbins
We have a babysitter. We're going into Boston. We got our appointment. We're about to pull on the Mass Pike, and what happens?
- CRChris Robbins
We're, no, we're pulling out of the driveway, and you, you're like, "Well, where are we, where do we go? Let's get the address of this place." And then you said, "Well, let me just call them just to make sure, let them know we're coming." And you call them, and sure enough, the guy says, "Oh, no, no, we got you on the books for next week." (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) And I start pleading with him, "Oh, no, no, you can't, ƒ$#%$#$#%&. We made this six-month ƒ$#%$#$#%&." "No, no, no, no, it's next week. It's a week from today." "But that's not our anniversary. I never would have screwed this up. This must be a mistake. Can you just fit us in now?" "No."
- CRChris Robbins
And we were going away. We could, like, we couldn't even make the following week happen anyway.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, but also the thing was, it was supposed to be on the anniversary.
- CRChris Robbins
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
So now, here we are, with a babysitter. We have our tattoos. You've got your letter. I've got my phrase. We have no appointment. I start calling tattoo parlors, 'cause we decide, let's just head into Boston. And I'm like, "How hard could this be?" Do you know, the first five or six tattoo parlors that I called were booked. Like, no openings. I didn't know you couldn't just walk into a tattoo parlor. Who the hell is getting all these tattoos? So I finally call the sixth or seventh place, and it was a place that was right around the corner from this apartment that we used to live in, in Cambridge, Massachusetts when we first moved to Boston, before we had kids, for you to go to graduate school. And the guy answers the phone, and he says, "Sure, come on in." And then he says, "What's the name?" And I say, "Mel Robbins," and he goes, "You mean from WTKK, Mel Robbins? I thought I recognized this voice. I love your show. My wife's a huge fan of yours. Come on in." It turned out to be a guy that listened to my old radio show. So we drive to this place. The guy is this amazing, big, bearded teddy bear of a guy. He gives us this big old bear hug. Chris goes first because here's the next twist that happened.
- 16:08 – 17:21
Here’s how I beat myself up while Chris was getting his tattoo.
- MRMel Robbins
It had completely been lost on me that I hadn't even picked out a font or handwriting. And so I had the phrase, "It shall be," but I had no idea what I wanted it to look like or how big it was going to be. So while Chris got his tattoo, I pulled up Microsoft Outlook, and I started going through the font choices and ended up picking the only font that looked somewhat cool, which turned out to be something called like Zaftigs or Dab Bigs or Zad. It was like a Z. Printed it out on his printer, and that became what I permanently put on my body. And I was having, like, doubts and second guesses, and Chris's looked so good. But I was just like, "Why didn't I think that I should have, like, thought about the font?"
- CRChris Robbins
It looks a little bit like your handwriting though, so that's good.
- MRMel Robbins
It's a, it's, yeah, it's okay. I mean, it's fine. I, it's, I, I love my tattoo. I love my tattoo, and so I've got these sort of curved, uh, "It shall be" right on my inside wrist in big hooky things, and we'll, we'll... If you're watching this on YouTube, you can see it. Um, we'll put it on the stories. And the thing that I love about this, and this is why it's so important for
- 17:21 – 19:23
You might know this already, but a tattoo isn’t just a tattoo.
- MRMel Robbins
us to talk about meaningful mantras today, and environmental cues that you can use to help you stay steady, to help you tap into that courage and that confidence, and that power that's inside of you. And over the years, I can't tell you how many times I've looked at this tattoo, and these words, "It shall be," they are a lifeline for me. You know, when I think about moments where I was failing at something, or life was going off the rails, I would see those words, "It shall be," and I'd take a deep breath, and I'd put my head down, and I'd say, "Mel, you just got to keep believing it's going to all work out. You got to keep putting in the work. If you're a good, kind person, it'll happen. Maybe not on your timeline, but just keep going."...when times were tough. These three words, "It shall be," reminded me that this is just a moment, and like all moments, this will pass. And now our puppy, Homie, is like wanting to go to the bathroom.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
It shall be.
- CRChris Robbins
No, but it really, it- it- thinking about the question that Jonathan wrote in, saying how you're so intentional in everything-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
...that you do, it was, it was a very thoughtful question. (laughs) And, and I would agree that your, your application of that in life is very pronounced, and interesting how you didn't necessarily see it like Deva saw it.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
And how (laughs) the only thing that was not intentional about it was the, the scramble to get the right tattoo before the evening itself. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you know what's great about this?
- CRChris Robbins
Actually, I shouldn't say that 'cause you booked the appointment. We had it on the anniversary. Like we were, we were, we were organized.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CRChris Robbins
We were ready to roll. There was intentionality.
- 19:23 – 22:58
I just love the synchronicity behind this entire tattoo event.
- CRChris Robbins
- MRMel Robbins
But you know what I like though? The entire story of the tattoo is a demonstration of the philosophy it shall be, because none of- nothing went according to plan, and yet we just took it one gate at a time-
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
...and I was fierce in my belief that it was all just gonna work out. What are the odds that the appointment is on the wrong date or that the first five places I call are not available for appointments, but the one that is happens to be a guy that listened to my little local Saturday radio show and recognized my name and voice? Like it's just a little bit of optimism that acts like a lifeline for me, and it reminds me that it's gonna work out, that I have the power within me to face things. That's how I've been using this phrase, "It shall be," over the last 11 years, because these have not been the easiest 11 years of our life.
- CRChris Robbins
I would argue some of the hardest.
- MRMel Robbins
The hardest, for sure. I mean, when I think about the state that you were in when you left the restaurant business just two years after I got this tattoo, and you just checked out of life. You're like, "I'm getting sober. I have to heal. I have to take care of myself." And for two years, you were just comatose. And I'm like in survival mode, and I would look at this, my tattoo, "It shall be, it shall be," and it gave me faith that if I just kept working hard, we'd figure it out, that we'd figure out how to pay the bills, that I would figure out how to build this business, that you would figure out how to heal and find your way back to yourself and to me. And even things like moving up here to Southern Vermont and how hard that was, and feeling like I've just turned my whole life upside down. And yet there was this deeper knowing that drove our decision to move and to change our life profoundly from living outside of Boston to being in this tiny rural town. And on those days that I just felt so lost, I would look at my wrist and go, "It shall be. It's gonna work out. Like I can do this." And even with the podcast, everybody was like, "You know how crowded that is? You know how oh, oh, oh, there's five million podcasts." I was like, "You know what? I'm playing the long game. I'm not... I'm, I'm it shall be. I'm gonna put in the work. I'm gonna go for it." And, and I even feel that like when our kids are struggling. Like it just, it, it, it helps me, this phrase, "It shall be," to put almost like a beacon out in the future. It's a reminder that, at some point, the road ahead is easier and great things happen, and it gives me faith to keep going.
- CRChris Robbins
I think the location of that tattoo is also properly aligned with you and your own just being reminded of that, right? Because if you had that tattoo on the back of your shoulder-
- MRMel Robbins
I'd never see it.
- CRChris Robbins
...where you weren't seeing it all day every day. You had always wanted to put it right something, whatever it was you were thinking risk.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, why get a tattoo and hide it?
- CRChris Robbins
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
You know? Wha- h- how has One
- 22:58 – 30:45
Chris’s tattoo has become a lifeline for him, especially now.
- MRMel Robbins
Gate, as a phrase, a meaningful mantra, a lifeline for you, a philosophy, how has that helped you on your journey in the last 11 years?
- CRChris Robbins
I mean, I would say just even right this minute as I- I'm putting together this, this online program for Soul Degree and-
- MRMel Robbins
What is Soul Degree for people who don't know?
- CRChris Robbins
Soul Degree is a men's retreat that I've hosted for the last six years, often taking place in the wilderness away from it all, and this year I'm trying to spark the conversation online and bring people into a-
- MRMel Robbins
So you're doing an, like an online program?
- CRChris Robbins
A digital... Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Chris is scared about this. This is why he's-
- CRChris Robbins
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs) He's in the starting gate, right? You're like the little kid-
- CRChris Robbins
Totally.
- MRMel Robbins
...in the starting gate going, "Is anybody gonna sign up for, for this-"
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah, it's-
- MRMel Robbins
"...digital course? Oh my god."
- CRChris Robbins
There's certainly, I think it's, some of that is, is present, but some of it also is just in the act of having to put something out there-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CRChris Robbins
...and to do something that makes me feel uncomfortable, which is being in that marketer promoter seat-
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- CRChris Robbins
...and having to speak out loud and be-...be a storyteller in front of a, a microphone and a camera, which is really, it, it makes me, yeah, I'm in the starting gate for sure. Looking (laughs) wondering about whether I'm gonna make it to the bottom. So, but no, one gate is a perfect example of just one foot in front of the other. Like, just take it one day at a time and get up and think about what I, what I want to share or how I want to write it or, and not get wrapped around the axle about how it's all gonna play out.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. You know what you guys don't know is, so Chris created this men's retreat called Soul Degree six years ago. Something that he desperately wanted for himself, he created. And the thing has filled up organically every time you lead an in-person retreat for the last six years. And so now Chris is trying something new. He's going to create a webinar and create a online course and a digital version of this for men, because you have a huge mission to help men discover themselves and to help men create deeper connections with other men, and you are so driven to do this and yet you've never done it before, and I can tell that you're scared.
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah, like even the word webinar makes me, like, cringe. (laughs) I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, no.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And now we can't wait to see what you create 'cause we're all like, "Ooh, what does Chris Robbins look like?" So, what does one gate do for you? How does that even help you?
- CRChris Robbins
It just, it slows me down and allows me to just take it one step at a time, one gate at a time, just one foot in front of the other, like I said, and, um, not, uh, not losing myself in what it's gonna look like, but instead, just being present to the experience I'm in right now, putting the pieces together.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm. I love that. I absolutely love that. All right, now it's your turn. I wanna pass the mic to you and teach you how you can create a meaningful mantra that acts like a lifeline in your life, and we're gonna do that after a quick word from our sponsors. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with my husband Chris, and we're talking about meaningful mantras and how they can create this really grounding force, and they can help you tap into your power and your optimism and your resilience in life. So, I now wanna pass the mic to you. Um, wherever you are, listening in a car, taking us on a walk with you, doing errands, wherever you are right now, I want you to think about your own guiding phrase, your own mantra that's very meaningful to you, and I want you to stop and ask yourself, "Today, at this point in my life, what is a mantra that I'd really love to live by?" Something that could act like a lifeline, some form of reassurance, something that maybe you wish somebody else would say to you. You know, it's interesting that we're having this conversation because Kendall, who is our, uh, middle, uh, child, who's 22, she's about to graduate from college, she's been talking about getting a tattoo, talking about getting a tattoo when she graduates, but she doesn't know what it might be, and she's been thinking in the form of symbols. But for the purpose of this conversation, I really want you listening to us as I pass the mic over to you to be thinking about a phrase, whether it's a phrase like Chris's one gate that maybe one of your parents would say to you, or it's a phrase like, "It shall be," that a friend of mine reminded me that I say all the time to her when I'm trying to get her to push through her fears and to believe in herself. And here's the interesting thing as you start to formulate in your own mind, what could that phrase or that word be for you? And I find this to be really interesting. See, mantras cut both ways, because there are good mantras and bad mantras. There are mantras that work and mantras that don't. Mantras are powerful, but they don't work unless you believe what the mantra or the phrase says. And I'm gonna unpack this, because I think this is super important. It's why so many of us get positive self-talk or self-love completely wrong. A mantra is only gonna work if you believe intrinsically in what the mantra means. And so I'll give you an example. A lot of you have been told that you need to, uh, have more positive self-talk, which you do, but if you've been beating yourself up for 40 years, there is no way you can stand in front of a mirror and say, "I love myself." Or if you've been just hating on your body for decades, you're not gonna be able to stand in front of the mirror and go, "I look beautiful." I want you to feel those things, but if your behavior and your own mindset proves day in and day out that you don't love yourself, that you not only don't think your body is beautiful, you think it's disgusting, or you think it's gross, or you think it's this, or you think it's that, simply saying a mantra 'cause you think you should, it will not work. It actually makes things worse because your mind is like, "Oh, what do you mean you, you think you're... No, you don't. You know what you said to yourself all day yesterday? No, that's not true." And your mind starts to fight against it. And so it makes your negative beliefs worse. And so, one of the things that I want you to think about......is that as you come up with this phrase for yourself, rule number one, it has to be meaningful.
- 30:45 – 31:30
Rule #1: a mantra will only work for you if you have this first.
- MRMel Robbins
And what I mean by that is, a meaningful mantra is one that you can get behind. It's one that when you say it or somebody else says it to you, you're like, "Yeah, I can get behind that." So, for example, if you struggle with how you look, instead of saying, "I'm beautiful," when you don't quite feel it and believe it yet, start saying, "I deserve kindness. I'm trying my best. I deserve to feel better. My body needs me to take care of it." Those are all things that you can get behind. And so oftentimes, one of the things that I say, if you're
- 31:30 – 32:20
Here’s how to figure out your own powerful mantra.
- MRMel Robbins
just kind of new to thinking about some guiding phrase, or a meaningful mantra, or some sort of word that you're going to use as your theme or your lifeline, is, like, bring it down just a little. Like, don't jack the mantra up like, "I am the best," 'cause some days, you're not going to feel that way. And so if you have that tattooed on your wrist, you're going to be like, "I don't feel like the best right now." You want to ratchet it down just a little so you can always get behind it. "I'm trying my best." Anybody can get behind that. Here's some other ones. "What if it works out?" Talked a lot about that on the podcast. I love that one. What if it works out? So many people don't even realize that their guiding philosophy right now is, "What if it doesn't work out?" Imagine adopting
- 32:20 – 36:09
Need an idea for your own mantra? I’ve got a bunch of them for you.
- MRMel Robbins
the meaningful mantra, "What if it works out?" Another one that I love is courage. Courage. And I think courage comes first. We often sit around and feel self-doubt or feel unmotivated. In those moments, courage, that courage inside you to act, to say something, to show up when you don't feel like it, courage is what you need first. And so courage is a beautiful reminder. "You got this. You got this" is just encouragement. "I believe in you." I love that phrase. "I believe in you." "One day at a time." That's sort of like One Gate, isn't it, hon?
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah, it is a little bit like that. But I think what you're speaking to also is that, um, like everything that you just mentioned, uh, almost alludes to a way of being or an attitude or, you know, a, certainly a reminder. I'm glad that our kids haven't decided yet on what or when to put ink on their body-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
...but I like the fact that they're, they're clearly reticent until they find that thing.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
And that thing is by way of having watched us find our own phrase-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CRChris Robbins
...which is very meaningful and has a profound message to us, and it is sort of embodied in, uh, a philosophy, for lack of a better term, that they haven't found that yet.
- MRMel Robbins
Mmm.
- CRChris Robbins
And some of that could just be that they haven't grown up enough yet-
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- CRChris Robbins
...if you will, to have put their finger on, "Well, what do I really need in those times, uh, to be reminded or to be encouraged," or, and I, I, at least I think that's the hiccup so far for our kids-
- MRMel Robbins
Mmm.
- CRChris Robbins
...that they just haven't, they haven't arrived on that yet.
- MRMel Robbins
You just gave me a huge breakthrough. One way that you could figure out a meaningful mantra or this sort of guiding phrase for you, is think about the future you, the person that you want to become, and just assume that it all works out. Just assume that, um, you become the person that you dream about becoming. How about you let the future you give the present you that assurance and that advice? So that the tattoo or the Post-it note or whatever it is, the mantra that you say to yourself over and over, that it is a reminder from the person you're becoming that you got this, believe, courage. All of that is incredible. Whoa. I love that. You know, Tracy, who's also a friend and a colleague, she has a great one that's been on her bedside table for a year. "Every day I'm learning and growing." I love that. "Every day I'm learning and growing. Every day I'm learning and growing." And by simply repeating it over and over and over again, you will, because what you, you know, they always-
- CRChris Robbins
And, and that's on her bedside table, not on her body.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- CRChris Robbins
That's an option too for anybody, right? (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Well, yeah-
- CRChris Robbins
Tat-, tattoos are-
- MRMel Robbins
...because that's how you, that's the reason why tattoos can be so powerful, is because
- 36:09 – 38:13
This is what scientists think about why tattoos are so powerful.
- MRMel Robbins
a tattoo is what researchers call an environmental trigger. An environmental trigger is something that you encounter visually in a space that cues a certain thought or behavior. And a lot of us are aware of triggers in the negative sense. "Oh, you trigger me. Oh, that sound triggers this." But you can use environmental triggers in a very positive and profound way. And I talk about environmental triggers extensively in the episode that we did called Five Essential Hacks to Make New Habits Stick, and I love environmental triggers. And so for sure, this tattoo and your tattoo, that is a visual reminder that triggers a certain positive way of thinking. But you can use a Post-it note.In fact, this is the assignment, everybody. I want you to come up with a phrase, and you can borrow one that you've heard us say today and try it on for size 'cause it's sort of like you gotta see if it fits. And how do you know if the phrase fits? You're not resisting it. You're not arguing against it. You're not saying the phrase, "I'm beautiful, yeah, but." No, you gotta come up with something that feels right. It's sort of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, right? One's too little, one's too big, one feels just right. That's how you try this on. Then I want you to take a Sharpie, a permanent pen, and write it on a Post-It note and stick that sucker on your mirror or on your laptop somewhere in your physical space that you're going to bump into it, your bedside table, the way that Tracey does. Heck, if you're thinking about a tattoo, before you get a tattoo, make the tattoo in a Sharpie on your arm. And, you know, I gotta say, I don't want to hear any of you saying, "Mel, I got a tattoo because of you." That, that, like, you get a tattoo because you want a tattoo. Do not have me pressure you to get a tattoo. And I so believe in this. Don't you believe in this?
- CRChris Robbins
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah. I mean, the environmental trigger piece is, just makes such a difference.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- 38:13 – 41:09
Here’s what Chris did that gets him emotional every time he sees it.
- MRMel Robbins
You have an interesting environmental trigger on your bulletin board. It's a photo of you.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Why are you giggling?
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) I, uh, I knew somehow you were gonna (laughs) raise this topic again.
- MRMel Robbins
Why? Guys, he has the cutest photo that our friend Jenny Maloney took, and it's a black and white photo of Chris, and he's looking off to the side, and he's sort of smiling, and he posted it, he pinned it to his bulletin board, and he wrote in a Sharpie, "You," with an arrow pointing at himself, and it sits right on his bulletin board at his desk, and I can see you tearing up. What does that photo mean? What does it trigger you to think?
- CRChris Robbins
Um, just to, um, I think it's a, I, I don't think, it was, I was prompted to print the picture and tack it on my board as a, a piece of a homework assignment in a class that I'm taking, where I found myself through dream work and dream analysis to just need to be reminded that I am, that I'm perfect the way I am, that I am, I am, yes, I'm good enough, or that who I am is who I am. And so, it was a spontaneous response to, uh, uh, work that I was doing in this class to say this was one of those hacks or habits I was gonna develop, was to look at that picture every day and see me as I am and embrace and love that person.
- MRMel Robbins
Aw. This is for your master's in psych?
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
That's pretty cool. I think everybody's gonna steal that one too.
- CRChris Robbins
I mean, I don't have a mirror in my office, so instead (laughs) I put a picture of myself.
- MRMel Robbins
Environmental trigger, everybody. And I'm really serious about this. Positive triggers in the environment triggering positive thinking patterns and positive physical change, and I wanna keep inspiring you, so I'm gonna share a couple things that some of our listeners have shared with me on social media, and the first one is from Denise.
- 41:09 – 42:25
Are you a busy mom? Then this mantra might work for you.
- MRMel Robbins
- DEDenise
Hi, Mel. It's Denise from Phoenix, Arizona. The meaning of my tattoo, which says, "Love yourself first," is a reminder that self-love is not selfish. It is necessary. As a single mother who was used to always putting others' needs before her own, I have learned that in order to be present for them, I first need to be present for me, show up for me, and loving yourself is a perfect example of how we could all do that. It was an inspiration by my brother and my aunt, who were always constantly reminding me and always telling me, "You have to love yourself first."
- MRMel Robbins
Love yourself first. That's a great one. That's a great one. That doesn't hit for me though. I mean, it's great for Denise, might be great for you, but this is why it's important to try it on. Love yourself first, when I think about it on my wrist, that doesn't, like, give me the tingles.
- CRChris Robbins
Well, I think what you had said earlier was really cool about just that this is, um, that a mantra like this can help you
- 42:25 – 50:05
Maybe you need to shift your thinking about a mantra this way.
- CRChris Robbins
on your path of becoming-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- CRChris Robbins
... rather than the tattoo needing to be a reminder of the end game or being symbolic of something that you aspire to complete rather than just this is, this is my evolution.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. That sort of shifted how I feel about love yourself first for me 'cause you're right. It is, it is a, it is part of the becoming. Awesome. And it doesn't have to be a tattoo, you guys. Again, this is not an episode about tattoos. This is an episode about using research-...to create a lifeline to your power and to optimism and to resilience and belief in self. And I love this example from another listener named Monica.
- MOMonica
Hi, Mel. It's Monica from Italy. I don't have tattoos, but I think the best sentence for me right now would be, "The little things." It helps me keep going when I think that my goal is too big for me, too far away, and that I'm just wasting time, and it also reminds me to enjoy the small, beautiful things of my life. Bye.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, that's a good one too.
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah, I love that.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that. That reminds me of the thing that Oakley said at the end of the episode that we did just recently about anxiety, where he refers to your ordinary extraordinary life, and it... That phrase, I could see him getting that tattooed on him at some point because he is so much a guy that focuses on finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. The little things, if you will. Wow. Love yourself first. The little things. One gate. It shall be.
- CRChris Robbins
Yeah. The little things is... It's got a calming tone to it a little bit.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm. Did, does... I love that we're kind of dissecting these because I, I think it's really important that you truly pick a phrase that feels a certain way to you, whether that's calming or uplifting or energizing or it just feels like the truth, that no matter what's going on in your life, you can count on that this phrase is true.
- CRChris Robbins
I think, I think that's what makes it also somewhat hard, is that that feeling-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
Like, I think most people's reaction is to react swiftly to how that phrase or mantra sounds or feels in that moment and then they move on, as opposed to, as you say, kind of sitting with it, letting it marinate, uh, posting it on a wall, putting it by your bedside, but allowing it to seep in over time a little bit to see truly, like, how does that feel?
- MRMel Robbins
Try it on. You know, I now want to get another tattoo.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) Because of this conversation?
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. Maybe I'm gonna get my mom to write something.
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) This... Remember, this show is not about getting a tattoo.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, now listen. Are you saying I shouldn't get a tattoo?
- CRChris Robbins
(laughs) No, not necessarily.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, I will tell you what I do want everyone to do. I do want you to take us passing you the mic very seriously, and I want you to try the power of creating a meaningful mantra or a word or a phrase that you can turn to every day, and I do want you to get a Post-It note or a piece of painter's tape or something that you can write your phrase, word, or mantra that's meaningful to you on it, and let's take it a step further. I'd love to see these.
- CRChris Robbins
I believe in you is a good one.
- MRMel Robbins
I believe in you. I believe in you. For years though, that probably... Well, if I think about it from me in the present moment, it wouldn't sink because there have been plenty of moments where I didn't believe in myself.
- CRChris Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
But if I think about it as a message from the future Mel, the person I'm becoming, as if she was saying to me, "I believe in you, Mel, and I know what's coming and that's why I believe in you," that would go whoo.
- CRChris Robbins
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, I love that. That's really... Maybe that'll be my next tattoo.
- CRChris Robbins
But it's interesting how you describe that as though it's something outside of you or a voice or something external.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- CRChris Robbins
Like, I don't think of one gate as... Like, I don't hear my dad talking to me per se. Like, I don't see my dad all the time. I think of it... Whereas what you were just describing is some larger voice, which is profound and, and can be powerful, but it's, uh... It conjures up a visual.
- MRMel Robbins
It shall be is a larger voice for me.
Episode duration: 50:05
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