Start Loving Yourself With THIS Simple Habit In The Morning | The Mel Robbins Podcast [ENCORE]

1. 0:00 – 2:33

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      Today, you and I are going to have a conversation about the most important relationship that you have in life, and that's the relationship you have with yourself. The first domino that needs to fall is something that I call the high five habit.

   2. CRChris Robbins0:19

      The high five was easy, but looking at myself in the mirror, that was not easy.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:26

      Why? Can I hold your hand?

   4. CRChris Robbins0:31

      (Laughs) . (music)

   5. MRMel Robbins0:34

      Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, I'm, I'm, I've got a special treat for you and me. Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Robbins has agreed to come on the show today.

   6. CRChris Robbins0:50

      Thanks for having me, Mel.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:51

      Well, I gave you no choice. We'll be honest with that. I sort of twisted your arm into this, because there's a very-

   8. CRChris Robbins0:57

      Not really.

   9. MRMel Robbins0:57

      ... important thing that once you shared it with me, I wanted you to share it with everybody. And I should just point out, everybody, that like a lot of our podcast episodes, we're just putting our arms around you and taking you on a walk with Chris and I today, and what's happening on our walk is there's a construction project outside. So, if you hear some beep, beep, beeps, or some backing up, you're just here with us in Vermont on a walk. All right, Chris? (laughs)

   10. CRChris Robbins1:24

       (laughs) Just another day in the beep beeps.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:27

       Yep, that's right. Let me just set the table a little bit, okay? So, I was talking to Chris this morning, and my husband, about six years ago, founded a men's retreat called Soul Degree. I think a lot of you know the story about the restaurant businesses, uh, tanking and our life savings going down the drain with it. After the restaurant business tanked, you took a couple of years to really figure out what you were going to do next with your life and to heal. A lot of went down for you personally in the wake of that experience of launching a business, pouring your heart and soul into it, and then, um, it not working. And one of the things that you've done is you started a men's retreat called Soul Degree, where you take men out into the woods, and it's a five-day experience that includes yoga and journaling and, um, guided meditation and all kinds

2. 2:33 – 6:42

   The 5 shocking things that most men are struggling with

   1. MRMel Robbins2:33

      of coaching, and so you've got one of your men's retreats coming up, and you never, ever talk about what happens at them. You come back and you're completely transformed, and I really respect the fact that you don't share anything because it's all confidential. But I asked you this morning if you would just tell me, like, what are the themes that come up when you go and do a retreat with five men, or you're coaching your male clients? And you said there were five very distinct themes that all the men that you work with are struggling with, and when you told them to me, I was shocked, and I said, "Everybody needs to hear this." So, that's what I want to talk about, okay?

   2. CRChris Robbins3:16

      Yes.

   3. MRMel Robbins3:17

      So, can we go through them? What are the five things that all the men that you know and the men that have been on your retreats and the men that you coach, what are they struggling with but not telling the people in their life that they're struggling with?

   4. CRChris Robbins3:30

      Well, I think one of the things that we were, we were talking about this morning is just that, uh, guys don't put themself first. Everyone else comes first. And that manifests, or shows up, often, at least with many of the men that I've engaged with, is them losing complete sight of what they need or want for themselves just because they're, the muscle of looking out for themself is completely lost, and it's all about everyone else.

   5. MRMel Robbins4:06

      When you first shared that in the kitchen this morning, I looked at you with, like, my eyes crossed, because I had never in a million years thought that a dude feels like everybody else comes first, because every woman that I know says that everybody in her life comes first. And so it never even occurred to me that the guys walking around feel as though everybody else in the family or with their roommates or with their significant other, that they come before them.

   6. CRChris Robbins4:35

      I think they're putting, uh, what they perceive to be the needs of the people around them first, and which means they're pouring themselves into work or, you know, other obligations, if you will, and losing track of what they, what genuinely they... I mean, you know, I have guys that have come on retreat and they, they haven't really even conceived of a hobby, much less, you know, what they, what, what's important to them.

   7. MRMel Robbins5:13

      You also explained that you have this exercise that you do with your coaching clients and that you guys do on retreat that really illustrates what you're talking about. Can you explain that?

   8. CRChris Robbins5:23

      Well, it's, it's just that. It's a, it's a conversation about where there has been neglect in focusing on yourself and, uh, the things that you find meaning and value in, which, uh, again, like I said, I think it gets lost in the shuffle. So, I've asked guys to take out a piece of paper and write down specifically what they want and need, and many just draw a blank, can't, can't fill, can't fill the page.

   9. MRMel Robbins6:00

      Nothing?

   10. CRChris Robbins6:03

       ... no. They actually have to step away from the exercise and even give it a day or two before they really feel like, "Hmm, haven't really thought about that before."

   11. MRMel Robbins6:13

       That's a layer deeper than I think what most women struggle with because I think, at least the women that I talk to and my friends and listeners to this show that write in, you have a sense of what you need to do to put yourself first. You have a sense of what you want in terms of your own needs and there's a longing for it. But to have an experience of life where you have so put everybody else before you that you don't even

3. 6:42 – 17:16

   Do you put others' needs above your own? Do this exercise.

   1. MRMel Robbins6:42

      know or feel like your needs matter enough, that you can't even put 'em on a piece of paper? Wow! That's a lot.

   2. CRChris Robbins6:53

      Yeah. It's, uh, it is, it is a bit tough to swallow, and, you know, with all due respect, I think that if you look at something as basic as, uh, exercise for example, and you see a guy spending a good bit of time exercising, that's not to say that he doesn't perceive that as being a need or a want of his, but there oftentimes is still a layer of obligation. Like, "I gotta look good for my wife." Or, "I gotta..." Whatever. That there's a gotta, have to. And so I'm not sure that can always fall in the appropriate category of genuinely what do I need to feel good about myself and my life.

   3. MRMel Robbins7:38

      Uh, what's the second one?

   4. CRChris Robbins7:40

      I think people are, um, uh... I'm not sure if I'd say explicitly they're lonely, but they're, they're... Many are friendless or have lost the, uh, their way in developing friendships. Again, the muscle has weakened as they have poured themselves into things like work and career and family and, um, and God forbid they're running into health problems. I mean, all of these things sort of take precedent to cultivating real deep friendships. And so many guys, uh, uh, I think in general in, in life, I think it's particularly when you hit your 40s, 50s, I think you really have to work extra hard at cultivating and building friendship.

   5. MRMel Robbins8:38

      Hmm.

   6. CRChris Robbins8:39

      A- and I'm not talking about maybe the guys that... Maybe there are people in your life that have been around since middle school or high school or college, but, you know, outside of that, uh, especially if you're somebody that's moving or changing geographies or, or even jobs for that matter, that it's, um... It can be really disruptive and be a major roadblock and then subsequently just an excuse. And then all of a sudden the guy wakes up and is like, "Yeah, I don't really have a whole lot of friends around me."

   7. MRMel Robbins9:09

      Wow. What about the third thing that men struggle with but they don't really talk about or, you know, I mean, it's surprising.

   8. CRChris Robbins9:16

      I mean, I think it's a... I think it's, uh, just a cultural thing, of course. Uh, that, that men, um, naturally still, uh, follow that societal norm of needing to be the provider and the protector.

   9. MRMel Robbins9:36

      Hmm.

   10. CRChris Robbins9:36

       Or, you know, one and the same. And that-

   11. MRMel Robbins9:39

       You mean like make money?

   12. CRChris Robbins9:40

       It's all about making money.

   13. MRMel Robbins9:41

       How so?

   14. CRChris Robbins9:43

       Um, well, I think the, the... (laughs) Whether they are generating the pressure upon themselves or it's coming from external forces and I think it's probably a little bit of a mix of both, but the, the sense of responsibility that the more money I make, the more security and freedom and happiness I can create amongst the people around me and so therefore, let me go back to making money.

   15. MRMel Robbins10:16

       And-

   16. CRChris Robbins10:16

       Or how do I make the money?

   17. MRMel Robbins10:17

       And is there also this pressure among guys that you're measured up based on how much money you make? Like, you're... You know what I'm saying? Like, there is this unspoken thing-

   18. CRChris Robbins10:25

       I don't know how much of guys are being, you know, influenced by looking around or over their shoulder or whether it's all self-created.

   19. MRMel Robbins10:35

       Mm.

   20. CRChris Robbins10:35

       You know? That your own... It's your own expectation level. And that was the other thing that we talked about this morning, was just, um, that, that a- another area is, "Uh, I'm not good enough."

   21. MRMel Robbins10:51

       Oh.

   22. CRChris Robbins10:51

       "I'm, I'm not living up. I'm not, um, I'm not reaching the goal." Whatever that goal is.

   23. MRMel Robbins11:01

       Well, and I can see that if you feel this sense of obligation that everybody else comes first so much so that you're not even in touch with your own needs and then you also have lost touch with your friends and now you're like, "My God, where did my friends go?" And then you start to feel this obligation to just make money, all those things become measuring sticks where you're like, "I'm just not measuring up in any of these areas." And what's interesting is that the fifth one that you said is how they ultimately end up with you (laughs) as a coach or attending, uh, a retreat or being part of your online community, uh, coaching programs that you do. And I think this is an important one for both... For everybody to hear. This is a struggle and an interest that, that a lot of guys aren't talking about. And what is it?

   24. CRChris Robbins11:53

       That men are seeking a deeper, more meaningful life, whatever that might mean for them. And even, um...Announcing that publicly-

   25. MRMel Robbins12:13

       Hmm.

   26. CRChris Robbins12:13

       ... I think is, is a little tricky at times. Not because people, guys are not willing to admit that once they arrive at it, but I think it takes some time to arrive at that. Like, "Oh, yeah, there's something deeper that I want to go after, that I haven't yet in my life." And like I said, that means something different to every guy out there.

   27. MRMel Robbins12:40

       Well, and what's also interesting is that I think when you realize you want something deeper, it probably sets up a major conflict, because that would mean everybody else might not come first. And it also means your focus shifts from just merely providing and climbing the ladder and making money to something intrinsic and deeper that might not involve money at all.

   28. CRChris Robbins13:05

       Well, you're right. Um, it definitely is a pendulum swing to focusing on self-

   29. MRMel Robbins13:12

       Mm-hmm.

   30. CRChris Robbins13:13

       ... which is, like we talked about, a weak muscle, but, um, it can also imply that something is broken and needs fixing, which I think is part of what creates inertia in this conversation with guys, because they need to, they need to figure out that it's not about it's broken or s- you know, something has to change. It's about, "My heart talking, my soul is talking here."
4. 17:16 – 18:42

   The habit that has changed the lives of thousands of people

   1. CRChris Robbins17:16

   2. MRMel Robbins17:17

      (laughs) Oh, well, you did have a very deliberate, "I'm not doing that."

   3. CRChris Robbins17:24

      Yeah, I, I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. I found it ludicrous, quite honestly. (laughs) "Let's go to the mirror. Let's high-five ourselves, and this is gonna solve all problems." (laughs)

   4. MRMel Robbins17:38

      (laughs) Well, I don't, I'm not saying it's gonna solve all problems, but I know based on the research and I know based on the testimonials of 175,000 people and the testimonials that roll in every single fricking day that are so profound, that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself in the person in the mirror. And that kicks open a door to an entirely new set of habits and an entirely new possibility.And, you know, we're laughing but when I kept pushing you, 'cause I'm like, "Dude, you're my husband. I need you to try this. I want you to take the high five challenge, I want you to do this for five days." You shared with me something that I didn't know and the real reason why you thought this was stupid when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad, and honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse. So, would you share

5. 18:42 – 23:15

   My husband, Chris, thought this habit was ridiculous at first.

   1. MRMel Robbins18:42

      with everybody sort of the deeper insight as to why you kind of had that reaction?

   2. CRChris Robbins18:51

      I think, uh, at the time I related to the idea of a f- high five to myself as being encouragement, like looking forward, the, the, the idea that you would high five yourself to, uh, inspire forward action, and yet I find that the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes meeting your eyes. And... that's where the struggle was (sighs) because... when I took that challenge on, I remember really, um, the high five was easy. The looking at myself in the mirror? That was not easy.

   3. MRMel Robbins20:00

      Why? Can I hold your hand?

   4. CRChris Robbins20:06

      (laughs) I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past, you know. I was looking back. I was not, um, I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five. I saw failure. I saw upset. I saw, uh, just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself. Um, and I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that, but just where I was at the time, um, I, I didn't f- I didn't feel like I deserved that high five, so I, I think that that was probably the, the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was, "This is stupid." When the truth is that I was, I was, I was not happy with myself and didn't think, uh, a h- a, a high five was, was deserved.

   5. MRMel Robbins21:23

      (sighs) It's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself 'cause I, I stood next to you for years, the sink right next to you, and when I looked at you, like, I saw the world's best dad, amazing husband. I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business. I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things. Y- you just kind of put on a smile and carried on. You were so sort of stoic about it. So, can you explain 'cause I think that there's a lot of people, especially men, that really beat the hell out of themselves when their career doesn't go how they thought it was gonna go, or they get laid off, or, you know, you become an entrepreneur, and entrepreneurship looks fucking g- glamorous. It's a bitch, especially in the restaurant business, and you had been an entrepreneur, so can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand like how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed and why you felt that way?

   6. CRChris Robbins22:54

      Oh, it had to have been 15 years anyway.

   7. MRMel Robbins22:57

      15 years?

   8. CRChris Robbins22:58

      Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it was, I don't think it was just the, the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that. I think that it... I'm not sure exactly when, but I, as you and I know, like,

6. 23:15 – 26:20

   When in his life Chris started to feel like a failure

   1. CRChris Robbins23:15

      uh, the looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all of the things that I did, but having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities, and industries, and companies, and-

   2. MRMel Robbins23:32

      Job changes.

   3. CRChris Robbins23:32

      ... job changes and I just never, ever related to myself like I was succeeding in a professional sense.

   4. MRMel Robbins23:42

      Mm-hmm.

   5. CRChris Robbins23:42

      And I, of course, concluded that therein lies the source of my failure because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider, and to go, uh, quote, "Make it happen." And so the, so the, the discomfort with myself and my progress professionally w- was absolutely what I think dragged me down.

   6. MRMel Robbins24:12

      Mm-hmm.

   7. CRChris Robbins24:13

      And yeah, the, the-... being an entrepreneur can seem glamorous. I would say that at the time w- when this whole thing and the High Five Challenge, or the, the book came out, you and I were, we were in the throes of it. I mean, we were... Talk about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day, there wasn't, at least just didn't seem like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good. And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that. You might have seen me as a good husband or father or, you know, business partner, but those words weren't being shared between us. And so naturally, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you.

   8. MRMel Robbins25:10

      Mm-hmm.

   9. CRChris Robbins25:11

      And... But I also think that the, being in the thick of it and running as fast and as hard as we were didn't, uh, you know, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff, fuck that. Like I wasn't-

   10. MRMel Robbins25:40

       (laughs)

   11. CRChris Robbins25:40

       I wasn't... And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was to s- to stand in front of that mirror and see your whole self. And for guys, I think for guys, that is... For many, borderline feels impossible because that's what we do, we just get up, put the boots on and go, okay,

7. 26:20 – 28:27

   The profound insight Chris had when he took the 5-day challenge

   1. CRChris Robbins26:20

      you know, Mel needs something, the wife needs something, the kids need something, the, the employer needs something.

   2. MRMel Robbins26:27

      The dogs.

   3. CRChris Robbins26:27

      Okay, okay, let me jam in a quick workout, you know, maybe because, maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind, body, or spirit needs, but also something that I think is an afterthought for guys. And we put everybody but ourselves first. So the act of standing in front of a mirror and high-fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, "I love you," outlandish concept, but hugely, hugely important. And it doesn't happen unless you're sort of willing to really stop and slow down (laughs) and, and consider that you, you matter more than your wife, your kids, your employer, the rest of it. And I think that's part of what has, I think maybe over the years, dragged me down, was paying zero attention to me.

   4. MRMel Robbins27:28

      Mm-hmm.

   5. CRChris Robbins27:30

      And paying all the attention, or so I felt, on everybody outside of me.

   6. MRMel Robbins27:35

      And providing, and trying to prove that you were successful, and trying to earn money and live up to also your dad's expectations.

   7. CRChris Robbins27:44

      Yeah, well that's, I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day.

   8. MRMel Robbins27:49

      (laughs)

   9. CRChris Robbins27:49

      But yes, certainly growing up with a father that did what he did and accomplished what he accomplished, and even, even just the basics of putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase and catching a train and working in a sky rise, you know, a high-rise in Manhattan. All of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing. None of which, of course, played out other than the occasional suit until (laughs) till ties and the rest of it flew out the window. But just I wasn't, I wasn't being like my

8. 28:27 – 29:49

   What all men struggle with

   1. CRChris Robbins28:27

      dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

   2. MRMel Robbins28:31

      Mm-hmm. So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror and I want to hear you talk more about that, because I know that it's a bunch of things that come up for you, because you're not in that place that you were in where you look in the mirror and see a failure, and you don't believe those things about yourself. And the challenge of simply standing in the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you, that's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine. Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes. And don't see a reflection, see a human being who needs you, that half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves. And...

   3. CRChris Robbins29:34

      And it's a good point, because you can, it sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror...

   4. MRMel Robbins29:41

      Yes.

   5. CRChris Robbins29:42

      ... versus actually seeing yourself.

   6. MRMel Robbins29:44

      Yes. And if you aren't looking through yourself, a

9. 29:49 – 32:48

   50% of people find it impossible to do this.

   1. MRMel Robbins29:49

      lot of us look at all the things we don't like.

   2. CRChris Robbins29:51

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins29:51

      And so even gazing at ourselves is an act of self-criticism, because we're like, I hate my this, I hate my that, my, you know, neck is saggy. And, um, you know, you have since done a tremendous amount of therapy. You and I have done the psychedelic supervised therapies. You are in the middle of getting your master's in spiritual transpersonal psychology.You are getting your, uh, training to be a death doula and to sit with people at the end of their life, and you have also started a men's retreat called Soul Degree, and you've been leading retreats with men for four years, Chris. And there's a lot of emotion that comes up-

   4. CRChris Robbins30:38

      Six.

   5. MRMel Robbins30:38

      ... for you. Six years, sorry.

   6. CRChris Robbins30:39

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins30:39

      Six years. Terrible wife.

   8. CRChris Robbins30:43

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins30:43

      Can I get a high five?

   10. CRChris Robbins30:44

       (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins30:44

       Cheer me on even though... Thank you. Don't let go of my hand.

   12. CRChris Robbins30:47

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins30:48

       I don't wanna hold your hand. Um, you have been in the presence of so many men, and you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends through anxiety and through issues. And I know there's a lot of em- emotion there, so you know, can you like just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed, about, you know, the kind of coaching that you lead, the meditation circles that you lead, not... Like from, from what you want people to know about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself, and that this is a very foreign concept for boys and men.

   14. CRChris Robbins31:51

       Yeah, I think that the, uh... I mean, I often talked about, talk about Soul Degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down, when the truth of the matter is, it's in the slowdown that all of those beautiful things can take place. And I, I think that the, the reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys, is that... And I, and I speak to all the partners and the spouses, the people that have sons and fathers and m- male counterparts, is that-

   15. MRMel Robbins32:37

       Brothers.

   16. CRChris Robbins32:42

       Yes, it is the responsibility of the individual to be able to

10. 32:48 – 36:14

    What Chris has to say to all the men out there

    1. CRChris Robbins32:48

       look in the mirror and see the whole person, foibles and all. But why there is a lot of emotion is... Because in my experience in sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard.

    2. MRMel Robbins33:13

       Hmm.

    3. CRChris Robbins33:16

       And that's not-

    4. MRMel Robbins33:19

       On an emotional level. So let's go back to the mirror and what you experienced when, for five days in a row, you made it a habit to stop at a time in your life where you still were beating the shit out of yourself, and look yourself in the eyes and either say, "I love you," which I know is one of your practices, to look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say, "I love you." But you know, to me, one of the powers of The High 5 Habit is there's a lot of people that won't say, "I love you," and so the physical action of giving the person in the mirror a high five demonstrates love. And so what did you experience for yourself personally in terms of the science working, the shift in how you started to see the person in the mirror?

    5. CRChris Robbins34:15

       Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition.

    6. MRMel Robbins34:18

       Mm-hmm.

    7. CRChris Robbins34:20

       And I think at one point, I don't know if... I don't remember if this is in the book, but the idea that there's so many mirrors out there in the world (laughs) ... I mean, you come across a mirror a dozen times a day potentially.

    8. MRMel Robbins34:38

       Yeah.

    9. CRChris Robbins34:40

       And I tried that during the challenge, was just it wasn't just brush teeth in the morning one time. It was whenever I saw a mirror. And I think that that, that's critically important because this, this high five thing, th- this idea, it's not... I know you call it The High 5 Habit, but it's one of those things that doesn't... It almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual, and that's because next week or next year, some shit might go down-

    10. MRMel Robbins35:20

        Right.

    11. CRChris Robbins35:20

        ... and you might do something, or something happens where you really feel subs- immediately lousy about yourself.

    12. MRMel Robbins35:26

        Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    13. CRChris Robbins35:26

        And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up saying, "I love you," or high-fiving yourself, your life circumstance is gonna get in the way-

    14. MRMel Robbins35:35

        Right.

    15. CRChris Robbins35:36

        ... frequently.

    16. MRMel Robbins35:37

        Correct, just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep, but when you come back to that mo- moment, because for me personally, it's a moment of joining in with myself. It's a moment of partnership with myself, and you used to coach almost all the, you know, teams that our kids played on when they were little, uh, you know, when they were really little. And as a coach, like if you think about when you high five a kid, it's either to congratulate them for something that they did,

11. 36:14 – 40:24

    How this habit helped kids perform better and work longer

    1. MRMel Robbins36:14

       or it's to help them shake something off and know that there's somebody that believes in them and to get back out there into the game. And for me, whether it's the high five I give myself in the morning after I brush my teeth...... and the moment I take to look at myself in the mirror. Or, like you said, I don't always high five myself throughout the day when I see a mirror, but I'll tell you something, I look at myself differently. And I know you do too. And so, the importance of this, because it is something that most of us don't do. I think we casually slip into the subconscious, where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot. And every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the eyes and see a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in, simply because you're here. That, to me, is the power of this. What is the power of it for you?

    2. CRChris Robbins37:20

       I s- I'm still a little steeped in acknowledging that, yes, I'm here, but not, like, here physically and how great this is that I'm alive and breathing. Yes, that's all amazing, but when I look in the mirror, it's, what I see is... Uh, I see... I- I guess I can see the age and the wisdom and the learning more. I- i- i- that I, I'm more grateful for that, for having been through what I've been through. And so, the looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, "Okay, you got this."

    3. MRMel Robbins38:17

       (laughs)

    4. CRChris Robbins38:17

       You know, "All right, your next meeting or your next whatever."

    5. MRMel Robbins38:20

       Maybe it should be.

    6. CRChris Robbins38:22

       Maybe. But I, like I said, I'm, I, I look forward less than I do look back.

    7. MRMel Robbins38:31

       Great.

    8. CRChris Robbins38:31

       And today, in the look back, there's more gratitude and appreciation and a willingness to high five those elements of me which, for so many years, I hated.

    9. MRMel Robbins38:49

       When you look in the mirror, can you describe the person you see today?

    10. CRChris Robbins39:00

        I see a man... for who he is. And I see a man... with different, but the same number of battle scars that every other man, I think, has in the sense of what I've been through, what's worked, what hasn't worked. I see a man who's worked his ass off, but not necessarily with the right mindset or for the right reasons.

    11. MRMel Robbins39:46

        Mm.

    12. CRChris Robbins39:47

        Like, if there's regret, it's probably, that's probably the area to, to dig in for me, is just being able to completely release that. Yeah, I, whatever. I made that choice for, for that reason at that time with the tools-

    13. MRMel Robbins40:04

        Right.

    14. CRChris Robbins40:04

        ... that I had and that's all I knew. And so, I see today, looking in the mirror, somebody that is accepting of those decisions and choices that I made and even acknowledging the pain and the struggle that

12. 40:24 – 44:11

    Why it’s so hard to love yourself

    1. CRChris Robbins40:24

       I was also blind to.

    2. MRMel Robbins40:26

       Mm.

    3. CRChris Robbins40:26

       I mean, the idea of e- e- sort of coming to terms with having battled depression, I think I was oblivious to that for many years without... Just didn't even occur to me. That might have been part of the resistance too, to... I mean (laughs) if you're battling resi-

    4. MRMel Robbins40:46

       (laughs)

    5. CRChris Robbins40:46

       ... if you're battling depression (laughs) , a high five in the mirror definitely feels like the last thing in the world you would ever pursue. Um...

    6. MRMel Robbins41:02

       But it's something that you should.

    7. CRChris Robbins41:05

       Oh, without a doubt. I see a man I love. I see a man I'm proud of. I see... a great father. And I see a great partner to you.

    8. MRMel Robbins41:24

       Mm-hmm.

    9. CRChris Robbins41:26

       And I see a man who has accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I see a man who's doing his best and deserves a look in the eye and a high five.

    10. MRMel Robbins41:45

        All right. Well, I'll give you one. Oh my God.

    11. CRChris Robbins41:50

        I think one last thing I wanna say to the men out there, any man who... feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down-

    12. MRMel Robbins42:22

        Mm.

    13. CRChris Robbins42:24

        ... I strongly encourage you to start with you and to begin with forgiveness.... not always so easy. But without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men, that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing. And while we don't always believe that the results live up, uh, it's in the forgiveness, and the starting with yourself, and the self-acknowledgement.

    14. MRMel Robbins43:21

        And I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning, 'cause I know that we're going to get a ton of questions, Chris. "How? How do I begin that?" One step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror.

    15. CRChris Robbins43:45

        Uh, I, I'm shocked that I'm even saying this, (laughs) given my initial reaction to the high five habit. But I agree, start right there. Start in the mirror.

    16. MRMel Robbins44:00

        'Cause if you change the story you're telling yourself about the person you see in the mirror, if you change the actions that you take

13. 44:11 – 46:26

    What you tell yourself every time you do this one habit

    1. MRMel Robbins44:11

       in how you treat the human being in the mirror, if you change what you're thinking when you look in the eyes of the person in the mirror, that is the beginning of forgiving yourself. And you will never forgive yourself if you w- if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion, and with forgiveness, and with understanding. And one of the reasons why I'm, I'm going to keep hammering this everybody, raise your hand and high five the mirror. Because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself, and you can't stand yourself for whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something, you don't have to change your thoughts. The neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five, Chris, and all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it, it has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science. And so the physical act does the work for you, and it starts to plow new neural pathways, and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving yourself. But if, y- you've got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving because you are.

    2. CRChris Robbins45:55

       Yeah, I, I can't stress that enough. You could, you could forgive yourself all day long walking down the sidewalk but it, that's a, that's a futile exercise. The mirror is where it happens and seeing yourself.

    3. MRMel Robbins46:12

       Mm. It's one of the reasons why I always sign off the show by telling the person listening that I love you.

    4. CRChris Robbins46:21

       I love that about how you sign off. And I know you mean it.

    5. MRMel Robbins46:25

       I do mean it

14. 46:26 – 48:38

    Why I sign off every letter and every episode the way I do

    1. MRMel Robbins46:26

       because, um, I just know how many people can't look at themselves in the mirror. Like it's just so sad. And I know how much self-judgment we all live with because I've lived with it. I was, I even learned that it's been 15 years today that you really struggled with loving yourself. And it breaks my heart. And it, it, it feels good to have somebody tell you that they love you and that you're proud of them. And uh, to some extent, unless you're willing to do the work on yourself, to let love in from yourself, to demonstrate encouragement, support, and love by looking at your eyes in the mirror or high-fiving yourself in the mirror, if you can't do that for yourself, you will never let the love in that is all around you from other people, 'cause you don't believe you're worthy of it, and you're proving it based on your actions. What are you thinking about? 'Cause I can see you getting moved.

    2. CRChris Robbins47:31

       Well, um, I'm always moved by the way that you sign off and tell people, "I, I love you." And it, it ties back to what I was saying earlier, is just my own experience in being in the company of men who don't, you know, they don't feel that.

    3. MRMel Robbins47:46

       Mm.

    4. CRChris Robbins47:47

       Uh, and I guess since a lot of what I've been talking about is directed towards the guys, I would leave you with one last thought and that is that while you're standing in front of that mirror and you're looking at yourself, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. In either the struggle you have with forgiving yourself or the judgments or the failures or whatever that may be, you are not alone.

    5. MRMel Robbins48:30

       At a really wild level, there's actually a human being in the mirror who needs you. It's the one person you spend your whole life

15. 48:38 – 50:05

    The message from a listener that every skeptic needs to hear

    1. MRMel Robbins48:38

       with.And the moment that you can look them in the eyes and see a human being worth cheering for, you'll realize you aren't alone, 'cause you've got yourself. You know, I want to thank you, Chris. And thank you for speaking directly to men, because, you know, everything that you're saying is universal. And I do think it's important, though, for men and boys and people who identify as male, that you hear a male voice saying these things. It is critical that other men realize that your emotional health, your sense of self-esteem, self-awareness, self-love, and going back to the very beginning of what I said at the beginning of, uh, this episode today, is that I think we get self-love wrong, Chris, because we think love is a feeling. But the truth is, you only feel loved because of other people's actions, and when it comes to learning to love yourself, you have to start with the actions, actions that demonstrate love. And when you are able to stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes, that's an act of love. When you're able to bring compassion and understanding to the person in the mirror, and you see somebody that's trying, and you see somebody that has regrets, and you see somebody

16. 50:05 – 1:01:20

    The secret to self-love

    1. MRMel Robbins50:05

       who still has an incredible life to live, and is worthy of love, that's an act of love. When you raise your hand and high five yourself and the human being in the mirror, that's an act of love. And so, I love what you said, because so many of us know and wish that we felt better about ourselves. We wish we would stop beating the shit out of ourselves. We wish that we weren't in our own way, and all the research also shows that the most important habit that has the biggest impact on our lives is being kind to yourself. It's in the actions, everybody. And so, I just love that you shared all that, and I love that you're here. And I love you. And I want to share one more story from a woman named Chris, and her story says it all about how you are literally one decision away from a different life, because when you change the way you see and treat the person you see in the mirror, a whole new life opens up for you, like it did for Chris.

    2. G(Guest email writer (listener)51:18

       Hey, Mel. I'm not sure where to start with this email, but I'm going to start with saying thank you. You've helped me gain my identity and life back. Buckle up, it's a long email. My name is Chris. I'm 35 and from the United States. Back in 2019, my life was falling apart at the seams, but quietly. I was doing the best I could to manage with the tiny amount of tools I had, but starting in 2020 through the beginning of 2021 were the worst times of my life to date. All that I had worked for in my life and sacrificed to build, the life that I always had dreamt and wanted was ripped from me, and there was nothing, Mel, literally nothing I could do to stop it. And then, I went AWOL. I went from being a confident, fit, happy, joyful, positive, and full of faith wife, friend, sister, and daughter to something unspeakable. I adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb my emotions. I got lost in TikTok, wasting hours of my life. But it was my coping mechanism at the time. I was bitter, angry, broken-hearted, and crushed at spirit. I started getting stuck in what I now know is rumination, and the pounds stacked on one after another, along with the shame, guilt, and disgust. At some point, I didn't know what weighed more, the shame and guilt or the literal 35 pounds that I put on. The spaces I once felt safe and fulfilled in were no longer safe, because my mind, my anxiety mind, she came with me everywhere. Her name's Patrice. I named her. And she wanted to make sure I knew how horrible I was in every moment of the day. "How could you make mistakes? You deserve this hurt. You're a disgusting person. You really don't have friends. No one really likes you. They just use you and leave." And on and on this went. I couldn't even look in the mirror. At some point, the panic attacks started. I'm talking full-blown, intense attacks where I shake, rock back and forth, and smack myself. I would keep these attacks away from my family. And Mel, at this point, my brain told me, "No one loves you. No one. So, you might as well not be here anymore." And it was so loud all the time. There was no reprieve, until at night when I would open a bottle of wine and have some at dinner. And even in my sleep, I would wake in panic attacks. On my way to work one day, I thought, while trying to suppress an attack I could feel coming on, "I can't keep living like this. I hate the person I see back in the mirror, and all I see is the damaged person and the damage that's been done to me over this last year." I started to pull out my phone to see if I could find something to help, and what did I find? A podcast, but it wasn't yours, but one you were being interviewed on, and it changed my life. I was in the middle of cleaning a glass slider door (laughs) and you said, "Go look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five." I stopped everything. I walked into the house and looked into a huge round mirror on my client's wall, and just started to stare at myself while I listened to you speak. I raised my hand and high-fived myself.... and the tears came rolling down. And in that moment, a new life began. The spark was small but profound. I have read and listened to everything I could get my hands on that you have published or put out into this universe. I have re-listened to The High 5 Habit at least four times, and also had to go out and get a physical copy. And the Here's Exactly What You Need To Do series has had countless listens on my phone. When a subject seems to come up that I get fixated on and I start being my old self, I pop on an episode from you and my body would instantly calm. My healing journey started in December of 2021. I got myself into therapy. I've been doing tons of research on anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and PTSD so I can understand what is happening in my brain, and in hopes to help others in my community learn to cope and be their better selves. This also helps me to distance myself from my anxiety brain and recognize I am not that thought. I'm a person experiencing the side effects of my traumas or ADHD or PTSD. But Mel, I wouldn't be here today writing this email had I not stumbled upon you and all the good you put into this world. Although now, I think (laughs) after listening to your episode on synchronicities, it wasn't by chance. On that day that I first met you, I was done, and I had no more fight in me and was ready to call it quits. But today, I can say I'm a different person and I'm me again. And I owe a lot of that to my big sis, Mel Robbins. And if anyone hasn't told you today, Mel, I love you and I believe in you. P.S. I've been manifesting for over a year that you would put out a podcast. I am so glad you're doing one. I'm sure it's a huge undertaking, but thank you for all that you do.

    3. MRMel Robbins56:50

       Ahh. Um, whoo. I don't know what to say other than, um...

    4. CRChris Robbins56:58

       It's beautiful.

    5. MRMel Robbins57:00

       Um...

    6. CRChris Robbins57:03

       Says a lot about the impact you're making.

    7. MRMel Robbins57:06

       You know, I, um, I just know how long I struggled.

    8. CRChris Robbins57:10

       (clears throat)

    9. MRMel Robbins57:11

       And so, if you can learn how to get out of bed, five, four, three, two, one, and get your feet on the floor and stand up and get going, you can keep going. And if you can stand in front of the mirror no matter what's happened or what you're feeling or what's going on, good or bad, and you can look yourself in the eyes, and you can see a person who is worthy of love, who is doing their best, who needs your support, who's tired of feeling beaten down, and you can raise your hand and you can give that person a simple high five to demonstrate that you've got their back, that you see them, that you love them, that you're there with them, and send yourself into the day, whatever that day may hold, knowing that no matter what, you see a person in the mirror that can figure it out, that has your forgiveness and that you love, I personally think that's the secret to everything.

    10. CRChris Robbins58:29

        I love you.

    11. MRMel Robbins58:30

        Oh. I love you too.

    12. CRChris Robbins58:31

        That's what I wanna say.

    13. MRMel Robbins58:33

        Oh. I love you too, Chris. And I wanna say I love you. I know we haven't met. That doesn't change the fact that I love you and that I believe in you, and that I believe in your ability to change your life and to change how you see yourself. And your emails and your voice memos and the things that you're sharing me like Chris just did, this is why I feel this way, because of you and your stories. And I appreciate how much acknowledgement that you throw in my direction. But please don't ever forget that it's the person in the mirror who's doing the work. It all starts with you. (beep) Are you ready?

    14. CRChris Robbins59:21

        Okay.

    15. MRMel Robbins59:21

        Let's go. High five.

    16. CRChris Robbins59:21

        I'll do my best.

    17. MRMel Robbins59:23

        (slaps hands) That was a shitty high five. One more.

    18. CRChris Robbins59:26

        (laughs)

    19. MRMel Robbins59:26

        Oh, I love you, babe. (beep) Why are you rolling your eyes?

    20. CRChris Robbins59:28

        (laughs) I'm listening to you set the table. Let's go.

    21. MRMel Robbins59:33

        Okay.

    22. CRChris Robbins59:34

        Come on.

    23. MRMel Robbins59:34

        (beep) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. How am I starting this? (laughs)

    24. CRChris Robbins59:41

        (laughs) You better be good.

    25. MRMel Robbins59:43

        Something like this. Okay, here we go. (beep) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. That sounded weird. (laughs) (beep) Hey, it's your friend Mel. Oh my God. (beep) Hey. Hey. Hey. (laughs) Here we go. (beep) Hey. That's not it. (laughs) What am I doing?

    26. NANarrator1:00:03

        (laughs)

    27. MRMel Robbins1:00:05

        Oh my God. Oh my God. (beep) How about that? I think that's a much better open, don't you? (instrumental music plays) Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. (laughs) This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. (instrumental music plays) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Mwah!

Episode duration: 1:01:20