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The Mel Robbins Podcast

Stop Being Available: How to Set Better Boundaries and Take Your Power Back

Are you the person everyone depends on? Do you remember the appointments, make the plans, solve the problems, keep track of what everyone needs, and step in whenever something falls through the cracks?

Mel RobbinshostDr. Eric Thomasguest

Nov 7, 202649mWatch on YouTube ↗

Summaries, chapters, transcripts, and FAQs on this page are made by uListen, not YouTube.

CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Dr. Eric Thomas’ wake-up call: the helper in the family is getting left behind
Mel Robbins introduces Dr. Eric Thomas and frames the episode around people—especially women—who feel responsible for everything. Dr. Thomas argues it’s not healthy to “pour from an empty cup,” and that the people you support must eventually learn to support you, too.
- •Mel sets the theme: taking on responsibilities that are not yours to own and becoming a priority again
- •Dr. Thomas describes the “one person” in many families who helps everyone else while neglecting herself
- •The idea that constant giving has a cost to dreams, goals, and health
- •A call to “love on you” and recognize your unique value
How it became personal: realizing his wife was carrying the family’s foundation
Dr. Thomas explains how he recognized the imbalance in his own household, especially after seeing how much his wife, Dede, had enabled the family’s success. He describes how her support helped elevate him and the kids—while her own needs went unmet.
- •Dr. Thomas credits Dede’s support for his career trajectory and the family’s achievements
- •He realizes everyone’s “wish list” was handled except the person doing the handling
- •He connects the burden to Dede’s health and lack of support in return
- •He concludes the family needs to shift focus, attention, and energy toward her
A lifelong pattern: watching women sacrifice themselves (mom, wife, grandmother)
Dr. Thomas broadens the topic beyond his marriage, describing a repeated pattern he witnessed in his mother and other women who raised him. He questions where the caretaker places herself on the priority list.
- •He shares how his mother chose caretaking over college and personal goals
- •He details how Dede constantly cared for the kids and household without equivalent self-care
- •He describes his mother now caregiving for his father and struggling to care for herself
- •He affirms women’s caretaking power while challenging them to ask: “Where are you on that list?”
Naming the invisible mental load: make the list so you can challenge it
Mel emphasizes that simply listing everything you manage helps you see the value of your labor and evaluate whether you should be doing it. She reads examples of mental, emotional, and logistical tasks that weigh people down, from schedules to emotional support to holidays.
- •Mel argues that making a list reveals the hidden work and makes it discussable
- •Key questions: “Am I the best person for this job?” “Do I want this job?” “Can someone else do it?”
- •Examples include managing schedules, bills, meals, pets, birthdays, family photos, and emotional regulation
- •The list exposes how long-standing habits can create resentment and loneliness
The cost of chasing a dream without shared buy-in: stress, roles, and ‘protect me from you’
Dr. Thomas recounts how Dede carried financial and emotional burdens while he pursued his goals, including early immaturity and instability. He describes how her multiple sclerosis diagnosis forced him to confront the stress he contributed to—and how Dede demanded healthier boundaries.
- •He admits financial immaturity early in their relationship and how Dede stabilized the household
- •He explains Dede’s role: she believed in his dream while building a foundation and maintaining stability
- •Dede tells him she has “three kids,” including him, due to the added responsibilities
- •After her diagnosis, she asks him to protect her not only from others, but from the stress he brings in
Why stopping feels scary: you are more than a role, and your voice has power
Mel voices a common fear—if you stop, everyone will be disappointed and things will fall apart. Dr. Thomas agrees disappointment may happen, but argues it creates empowerment and growth, and that people can’t step up while you keep dominating the role.
- •Dr. Thomas: identity is not the role (mother, wife, partner)—you were “somebody” before it
- •He encourages speaking up and using your voice, even if it changes expectations
- •He acknowledges others may be disappointed, but insists they can learn and adapt
- •He argues you must step out of the role so others can step in and reciprocate
Feelings vs principles: capacity audits, training others, and defining a ‘North Star’
Dr. Thomas describes coaching his mother through caregiving boundaries by focusing on principles rather than guilt. He emphasizes capacity limits, training others, and setting a clear goal (“North Star”) for relationships and family life so decisions aren’t driven only by emotion.
- •He tells his mother: “You cannot give a life for a life,” urging appropriate care and boundaries
- •He advises doing an audit/inventory of capacity: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should”
- •He challenges emotion-driven decisions and emphasizes principles: best person for the job, training others, reciprocity
- •Mel highlights that lacking a vision for marriage/parenting chapters keeps people stuck in guilt and exhaustion
Making yourself a priority: return to who you were and reclaim time in small steps
Dr. Thomas lays out a starting point for self-prioritization: go back to what made you happy before responsibilities took over. He suggests reclaiming small pockets of time and then explicitly communicating to the family what you need.
- •He asks listeners to remember who they were and what brought joy, peace, and serenity
- •He recommends starting small: 10–30 minutes for yourself, fewer obligations, protecting quiet time
- •He urges direct family communication: continued love and support, but also “Mom needs mom time”
- •He frames reciprocity: family should pour into you the way you’ve poured into them
Drop the ball on purpose: letting others learn and redefining ‘Supermom’
Mel adds that adding meaningful activities can make time feel more abundant, and argues that things won’t change unless you stop doing everything. Dr. Thomas reinforces that if you don’t drop tasks, you’ll never know others can pick them up—and shares examples from his own home.
- •Mel: inserting meaningful activities helps you feel more like yourself and can shift your sense of time
- •Both argue that others won’t step up until you stop doing the task and allow the “ball” to drop
- •Dr. Thomas shares how he learned laundry details after Dede stopped, and their son became the main cook
- •He challenges the idea that motherhood means never retiring, calling for a family plan to redistribute roles
From resentment to shared ownership: chores as household responsibilities, not gender roles
Mel and Dr. Thomas discuss how resentment and feeling unappreciated signal you’re carrying too much. Mel describes practical reframing: chores belong to the household, and family systems (like a group chat) can distribute tasks based on who’s available and best positioned.
- •Mel: resentment and feeling unappreciated are signals you’re over-carrying
- •Make a list of what you hate/resent and where you tell yourself “if I don’t do it, nobody will”
- •Mel reframes chores as shared household responsibilities and notes they’re not assigned by gender
- •She emphasizes real-time delegation: asking who can feed the dog, shop, or handle tasks based on capacity
Perfection pressure and identity: lowering standards, questioning assumptions, and communicating needs
They explore why it’s hard to ask for help: others won’t do things your way, and sometimes you care more than they do. They question which standards are truly necessary, how self-imposed obligations create inner conflict, and why daily communication matters more than perfect execution.
- •Dr. Thomas: the barrier to asking for help is believing no one can meet your standard
- •Both question whether tasks matter to anyone else—or whether the expectations were “made up”
- •Mel notes resentment builds when you don’t communicate and secretly feel at war with others
- •They emphasize lowering standards on chores to protect mental/emotional wellness and strengthen connection
Closing challenge: flip the list, ask what you want, and invite your family to show up for you
Mel asks for the single most important action after listening; Dr. Thomas says to make yourself a priority by creating your own list and flipping the care you give to others toward yourself. They end by inviting listeners to ask what would make them happy and to use this episode as a conversation-starter with loved ones.
- •Dr. Thomas: you have everyone else’s list—create your own and “flip it” toward self-care
- •Mel and Dr. Thomas invite listeners to stop, put the weight down, and ask what would make them happy
- •Mel suggests a perspective check: what change would you want for your daughter in the same situation?
- •They encourage sharing the episode with partners/mothers and having a direct conversation about needs and help

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