The Mel Robbins PodcastThe Truth About Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go With Jay Shetty | Mel Robbins Podcast
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
130 min read · 25,669 words- 0:00 – 10:44
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
Because of all the people that you have requested that I interview on this podcast, there is one person who you have asked for over and over and over again, Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
I define love as when you like someone's personality-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals. Are you trying to get them to the next step in their journey? Or are you trying to get them to the next step in your journey?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, okay. Hold on everybody. Did you just hear that? Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an extraordinary episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most trusted experts in the world on behavior change and motivation. And you know, I often say that The Mel Robbins Podcast is our podcast. And today, it truly is because of all the people that you have requested that I interview on this podcast, and trust me, you have been requesting thousands of amazing people at melrobbins.com, and if you didn't know there was a form you could fill out to suggest a topic or suggest a, a guest, now you do. Well, you've suggested thousands, and I mean, thousands of amazing people, but there is one person who you have asked for over and over and over again, more than anybody else on the planet of eight billion people. You have said things like, "He's given me insights that I never thought of before. Please have him on the show because of his wisdom. His practical tips and guidance are truly helpful and encouraging." So today, it is my pleasure to welcome the most requested human being of all time in-person on this podcast, none other than the amazing Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
Wow, I had no idea. That is so humbling and that is incredible. I thought you were gonna say all of that and then follow up with someone else's name.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh, when you're sitting here, you-
- JSJay Shetty
Just to say... No, no, no. I, I literally thought you were going to. That is, that is so kind, and everyone who's requested me or has connected with my work or has liked a video, read a book, or listened to a podcast, thank you. Thank you so much. That, that honestly is... Wow, that is incredible. Thank you so much. Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
I, I love how humble you are because you actually-
- JSJay Shetty
Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
... mean... He, he looks surpri- I wish you guys, if you're not watching the YouTube interview, you can see that he is genuinely surprised to hear his own name.
- JSJay Shetty
I, I am. I, I think it's... I don't think... I can't believe it. I spent years doing events since I was 18 years old with five to 10 people in a room for 10 years, and every single year, five to 10 people would come, maybe 20 people would come. I had a society at university called Think Out Loud, and I would dissect a movie psychologically, spiritually, and philosophically, and teach from that movie, and students would come and gather and there was no followers, there was no downloads, there was no views, there was no platform, and I loved it, and I loved it, and I'm still as passionate. So today, to be doing what I've done for 17 years, since I started, and for it to have this kind of response is something that makes me live in gratitude every day. Thank you so much for sharing that with me, and thank you to everyone who, who submitted me. I mean, I've been wanting to come on your show. Well, I've been wanting you to have a show for a long time. So I think everyone's very lucky that they get to have you every single week in their-
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
... life. And you know, as our friendships developed and blossomed, it's been so wonderful getting to know you better, to getting to know Chris better, and I'm just so grateful that you're doing this. I'm so grateful that I get to do this with you, so thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
You're welcome.
- JSJay Shetty
Thank you so much.
- MRMel Robbins
I have to share one other funny thing with you.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Because when you go to the form and you're, you, you know, kind of tell your story or submit a topic or you submit an expert, when you submit an expert at melrobbins.com for this podcast, we actually ask, "What are this person's credentials?" And I want you to hear-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... what somebody said. You all right? They said, "Oh, please, we all know who Jay is. He's our favorite author. He's a former monk. A remarkable podcast with the number one health podcast in the world. He's been giving really amazing talks about love and relationship. And currently, he's publishing his new book, Eight Rules of Love. Please, Mel, bring him on to talk about relationships, how to be happy, how to find love. His knowledge has gained... Hey, his knowledge gained as a previous monk is so useful in everyday life."
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- MRMel Robbins
So people not only love you, but for those of you who may not know Jay's work or have ever met him, I want you to know he is the number one New York Times best-selling author of Think Like a Monk. He is an award-winning podcast host. The, the show which you need to follow is On Purpose. His second book, which will absolutely be his second number one bestseller, Eight Rules of Love. I have this sucker right here. I have dog-eared it. I have Post-it noted this sucker. You can buy it at eightrulesoflove.com or wherever books are sold. And by the way, Jay is not only a former monk. He is a rockstar. This guy is going on a global tour, Love Rules, and that starts on February 21st. You are dedicated, Jay, to helping people train their mind for peace and purpose every day. Your viral videos have been viewed more than 10 billion times. You're followed by over 50 million people across social media, and I am also, like you, honored to call you and your wife, Radhi, friends of Chris and mine. And so welcome, welcome, welcome. People have been not only requesting you, they've been asking for relationship advice, and I wanna start by just asking you, why did you decide to write a book about love? I mean, you could write a book about anything, so why love?
- JSJay Shetty
I think when I look back at my life, and I look at back at the areas of my life that I've made the most mistakes, and that have had the most impact on my life, those mistakes have had the-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... biggest impact on my life, it comes down to love. And when I look at my life, and I look at the quality of how I feel, and I think we all do this where we evaluate, assess, reflect on how happy we are, how joyful we are, I know that the peak moments of my experience, and I think people will nod along to this, are when my relationship is helping me thrive, is helping me grow, is in a place of peace. And I find that when I'm feeling the unhappiest-
- 10:44 – 11:46
Hear Jay’s 3-part definition of love I’d never heard that is so spot on.
- JSJay Shetty
But I narrowed it down to three things. I define love as when you like someone's personality-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals.
- MRMel Robbins
Wait, there was something missing there. What about like, attraction? What about, you know, I really, I mean, I realize there's a difference between lust and love-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... and connection and chemistry-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... but, I mean, doesn't that have to be a part of it, Jay?
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely. Absolutely it does, and I-
- MRMel Robbins
That's my definition.
- JSJay Shetty
No, no, no, that's your, that's where most definition stops.
- MRMel Robbins
Like I'm, I'm more shallow than the monk. (laughs) .
- JSJay Shetty
That's a, no, uh, that is a given, and I, and I fully agree with that. I'm, I'm massively attracted to my wife and that was a beginning spark of a big part of our relationship for sure, so, so very, completely agree with you on that. I think these are the parts that are hidden. So my definition of love is more looking-
- MRMel Robbins
Say it again, the three parts.
- JSJay Shetty
So it's, it's liking their... Let me break each one down. So when I say
- 11:46 – 14:39
According to research, this is how many hours you need to spend to make a casual friend, a good friend, and a great friend.
- JSJay Shetty
liking someone's personality, you'll like this, all the studies show that if you consider someone a casual friend, you should've spent 40 hours with them.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- JSJay Shetty
If you consider someone a good friend, you have to have spent 100 hours with them. And if you consider someone a great friend, a best friend, you should've spent 200 quality hours with them. So when I say do you like someone's personality, the question you should be asking is-... "Do I want to spend 200 hours-"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
"... with this person? Am I intrigued enough? Am I curious enough? Am I excited enough?" That's liking someone's personality. Now, I use my language very carefully in the second one, respecting their values. What I often find in relationships is that we want people to value what we value-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... equally to how we value it. So if I value sports, I want you to love sports and adore sports as much as I do. If I value my career and my purpose, I want you to value my purpose and my career as much as I do. And we miss the point that pretty much no one will be able to value what you value in the way you value it.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's not realistic. Me and you share values, but we don't have the same values. So, the key to a good relationship is can I respect your value for what you value? And can you respect my value for what I value? Most relationships fall apart because we're forcing someone to change what they value. We're trying to mold them, and we're hoping that they'll contort, and that they'll move, and that they'll fold into valuing something else. So, an example is, if you ask my wife what her number one value is, she would say, "Family."
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
Without a doubt. It would be her family. She told me that before we got married. I've known that throughout our marriage. If you ask me what my value is, my number one value is my purpose and my service. And as I'm saying this, Radhi's back in London-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... with her grandma-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
... who's been in hospital for the past two weeks. And I'm here hoping that I get to serve your community and audience through this conversation.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And both of us respect that, knowing that we'd be there for each other if we needed to. I said to Radhi, I was like, "The moment you need me in London, like, I will be on a flight right back."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
But at the same time, there's a mutual respect where I don't have to feel guilty for doing what I love, and she doesn't have to be made to feel guilty for doing what she loves. And so, I find that's where respect and value comes in. And the final one, this is like the hardest, and the biggest, and the truest, are you committed to helping them achieve their goals? Not the potential you think they have, not the goals you project onto them, not the life you think they could lead, but are you committed to helping achieve their goals? That is a sign of love. I think we think of love
- 14:39 – 16:36
Are you doing this with your partner? Jay says that’s not love.
- JSJay Shetty
as, "I love this person so much. They could be so many things. I see their potential." That's not love, it's about you. And so, when I think about a practical example in my own life, with my wife, a lot of the time when Radhi would cook, 'cause everyone knows she's a vegan chef and recipe developer, and she's, she's a food scientist, like, she's unbelievable. And every time we'd go somewhere, everyone would always say, "Radhi should start a restaurant. That's what she must do." And I remember at the beginning of our relationship, Radhi would hear this all the time, and she started feeling the pressure that if she didn't start a restaurant-
- MRMel Robbins
Hm.
- JSJay Shetty
... then, then that wasn't a sign that she'd achieved her goal. And we sat down and we said, "Well, is that what you want? Is that something that's really important to you?" And she realized, "Maybe one day, but not right now." And I feel what could easily happen is we take all this outside input, and we make it our partner's goal, but if we can stay committed to helping our partner with their journey, with their healing, with their path, that's a sign of love. And I don't think you have these three things with anyone else in this depth.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so I wanna, um, stop right there, because you've already dropped a bunch of, like, amazing wisdom bombs on us all-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... and just make sure that everybody got what you just said.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
So, the three things, first of all, it strikes me that in an amazing close friendship, those three things are present too.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And one of the things I loved about your new book is that this is really about love, period, in your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And thinking about love as a skill, and how to both let it in and let it out-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and, and give and receive. And I also just got something from you that I wanna acknowledge, that
- 16:36 – 19:11
Okay wow, here’s where I realize I’m not doing something for my husband, Chris, that I should be doing.
- MRMel Robbins
this is probably an Achilles' heel of mine, and in the example that you just shared, I just realized something that I am not doing with my husband, Chris. So, you talked about the example of other people saying to your wife, Radhi, "You should open a restaurant. You should open a re-" And I could see that, 'cause I'm like, "Oh, my God, her cooking's so fantastic. She should open a restaurant."
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) She should open a restaurant.
- MRMel Robbins
Right?
- JSJay Shetty
Maybe I'm getting it wrong.
- MRMel Robbins
And then, yeah, and then you feel the pressure.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I think often in relationships, we either want our partners to change, so we're pressuring them to change, because we don't respect their values, we want them to conform to ours, right? And so, then the resentment builds. Or you have this fear, and I just realized in listening to you that I have this fear with Chris. So, Chris has, uh, started a men's retreat that he's been running-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... for six years, and as it gets more and more popular, I realized, Jay, that I have been subconsciously trying to steer him away from expanding it, because I'm afraid that he's going to get very busy, and that's going to impact our family life-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... negatively.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
That is my fear.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I haven't even sat down with him to have the conversation, "What's your goal?"
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
And instead of being afraid of it, or trying to manipulate it, that I actually listen and figure out, out of love, this skill we're talking about, how to support him in achieving it.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Thank you so much for being vulnerable to that degree, because it takes a lot to be that conscious to notice your subconscious that's happening, and-I think it's very natural. I don't think that you doing that makes you a bad person. I don't think that makes you a selfish person. I don't think that makes you a manipulative or controlling person. I think it makes you human, and it's natural, but I think as soon as we locate one of those fears or insecurities that we're projecting, we have to do something about it, because we could potentially derail our partners from the life they want to live. And I've found this with... I've coached and worked with couples who've been together three months, three years, and 30 years, and I use that as a form of learning. I don't consider myself an expert. When I'm with someone who has more relationship experience, including yourself and Chris, I'm taking notes. I'm learning from that person, and I have so many clients that have had
- 19:11 – 21:29
If your relationship is new, be careful you don’t do this.
- JSJay Shetty
the experience that after 30 years, one partner has lived their dreams-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... and the other partner has either sacrificed theirs in building the other person's-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... or forgotten what theirs was in the first place. And that is such a common story that that person, now in their 50s, is reflecting and thinking, "I can't get those 30 years back." Now, I actually believe you can start right now and start there. I don't think you have to get those 30 years back. But for those of us who are in a earlier stage in our relationship, I want you to pivot away from that happening. And so, our insecurities and fears get projected on our partners, and often what happens is, yours is interesting because your fear is of him not being around.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Often, our fear or insecurity is, our partner doesn't work as hard as us, so we want them to work harder. Often, our insecurity or fear is, my partner doesn't put in as much effort as I do, so I want them to put in more effort. So, usually it's the other way around, but it's... I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing that, because I think a lot of people who are listening and watching, that will really resonate with them.
- MRMel Robbins
I want to start sort of at the beginning of the spectrum. So, you receive so many people from around the world every day, and so do I, writing in because they can't find love-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... because they have a string of relationships that have failed, and they have a story about needing to find love-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... about, "I can't find love," about... And I, I, as a mom, having had two daughters who are now in really great relationships, seeing them chase it, seeing them, like, attach their value around somebody else picking them, loving them, and I think a lot of people can relate to that. Where do you begin when it comes to building this new skill around how you think about love?
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Where would you tell somebody? Is it rule number one?
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) It is rule number one in the book, but I think you've just brought out a beautiful point that I want to respond to, and it's that we all have a story that we're writing about love. And the interesting thing is that our mind makes us
- 21:29 – 22:44
Why do we chase relationships in order to feel worthy?
- JSJay Shetty
fiction writers, and we're writing our own fictional version of what our love story looks like. And it changes every single day. One day, we feel like anyone would be lucky to have us, but then there's months that go by when we feel we're completely unlovable and we're not enough. And I think it's really interesting because, we both know this, that the story you're saying to yourself, the story you're telling yourself naturally becomes your reality because you're looking for the facts. You're looking for those truths in your life. So, if you think to yourself, "You know, no one's attracted to me right now," you are now going around looking for how many people are not attracted to you and don't look at you. It's almost like when you make a decision to say, "I'm thinking about buying this brand of car," or, "I'm thinking about buying this brand of..." whatever it may be. Now, you see that brand everywhere. You hear it everywhere.
- MRMel Robbins
Right, right.
- JSJay Shetty
It's not that suddenly everyone just started buying that car on the streets or buying that product or brand, but you see it everywhere because it's at the forefront of your consciousness. And so, if the story is, "I'm not good enough, I'm not ready, and I'm unlovable," which is a very true and real story of the people that are writing in for us, that, unfortunately, is what you're going to perpetuate.
- 22:44 – 26:57
Rule #1 for finding love.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's why rule one is about what you do alone, because if you're waiting for someone to love you to believe you're lovable, that means you're saying that the day they change their mind, you're now immediately unlovable.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so, you're deciding whether you're lovable or not based on whether someone else thinks you're worthy of love. And I think that that sets us up for a lot of pain, a lot of stress, a lot of pressure. There's this beautiful thought from Paul Tillich, and he talks about how in the English language, we have two words for being alone, but we only talk about one of them, and that word is loneliness. "I'm lonely. I feel alone. It's been a lonely day. It's been a lonely year. I'm experiencing loneliness."
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
But we never use the other word, and the other word is solitude. It's just not used in our vocabulary. And he says that loneliness is the weakness of being alone, and solitude is the glory, or as I say, the strength of being alone. And what I want people to understand is that when you take the time on your own to do three things. The first thing is you have to learn about yourself. You have to learn what you like, what you don't like, what experiences you're into, what you're not into, because what we don't realize is when you start dating someone, you adopt all of their likes and dislikes, only in a few years to feel like you don't know who you are anymore-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... and you lose yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, this is gonna sound like a dumb question-... but I have to ask you.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
How the hell do you figure out what you like?
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) So-
- MRMel Robbins
No, I'm not... I- I'm serious.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, it's a good question. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, if- if you've always been somebody-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... so- so let's- let's role play.
- JSJay Shetty
No, no, no, let's do it.
- MRMel Robbins
You're my life coach.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay? My parents are divorced. I have had terrible relationships through high school and college, Jay, and, um, the last person I was with cheated on me, and every time I go out to the bars with my friends, all my friends get approached by people.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I don't know who I... like, how do I find love?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, how to... Coach me.
- JSJay Shetty
So- so first mistake, and I wouldn't-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... I wouldn't say this in a coaching session, but to speed it up for us, first mistake, you're already thinking it's about what do you like about the partner, I'm saying what do you like about yourself?
- MRMel Robbins
And where do you start if you don't know yourself?
- JSJay Shetty
What do you like in your life? So, very simple, when you go out for a dinner-
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-huh.
- 26:57 – 27:35
Hear Jay in a rare moment where he talks about his childhood trauma.
- MRMel Robbins
that's the beginning of this.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, we keep making lists of what we want in someone else, right? We keep making a list of, "I want them to be kind, I want them to be tall, I want them..." So all of our energy is being pointed outwards, rather than saying, "Who am I becoming? Who am I striving to grow into? What is it that I'm passionate about?" When you're focused on all of that, all of a sudden you feel you have so much more to offer in a relationship. You walk into it recognizing that someone would be fortunate to be with you, and you'd be fortunate to be with them because you have something to share. I think most of us,
- 27:35 – 35:24
What research shows will happen if you enter a relationship simply because you’re afraid of being alone.
- JSJay Shetty
we walk into relationships because we're scared of being alone. And when we do that, studies show we do three things. If you're feeling alone, if you're scared of being alone and single and you're going into a relationship because of that fear, research shows three things happen. The first thing is, you're guaranteed to settle for less than you deserve. Guaranteed. The second thing is, you're more likely to be dependent on that person because you think they're out of your league, and so now you'll become, do, mold, fold, become anything they want- they want you to be.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And the third is, you're gonna be scared to leave them, because being with them, in your mind, is better than being alone. And so you think about all of us who've been in that situation before, and by the way, it's not your fault. Movies have done this.
- MRMel Robbins
Have you been in that situation before?
- JSJay Shetty
I have been in a situation before, many times in my teens-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... where I, sadly, and I regret this, I showed love to people in order for them to validate me.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
So, it wasn't that I didn't like them, but I showed them more extreme forms of passion and love because I thought they'd say, "Jay, that's amazing. You're the best person I've ever been with." I just wanted to hear those words.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And that comes back from my childhood trauma of being bullied for being overweight, for being bullied for being Indian, for having a group of girls who lined up next to my football match when I was 11 years old shouting, "She's out of your league."
- MRMel Robbins
What?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. So I was, uh, I was 11 years old in primary school, or elementary school as you say in the US, and I was... There was one girl in school that everyone had a crush on, right? You're 11 years old, and there was one girl that every guy had a crush on. And all the guys knew and all the girls knew, but she didn't know we had a crush on her. And one day I came in late from, I think, a doctor's appointment or something like that, and everyone was laughing when I came in. And I didn't know what they were laughing about, so I sat down and everyone was giggling at me and pointing at me, and I was thinking, "What's going on here?" And then one of my friends slipped me a note, and the note, I opened it and it said, "She knows." And I was like, "She knows what?" I realized that all the guys and all the girls had told her that the only person in the class that had a crush on her was me. And I was considered one of the least desirable people in my class because of my weight and the color of my skin. And so for the rest of that week, all the girls bullied me, standing behind... Literally we're playing foot- when I say football, I mean soccer, but-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... we're playing football and I was a goalkeeper because that was the only position I'd be allowed to play, and the girls lined up behind the goal and shouted out, "She's out of your league. I can't believe you thought you could get her. I can't believe that you thought she could be with you." And I realized at that trauma, that experience transferred over to my teens...... when now, all I wanted was a girl to say, "You're the best. You're amazing. You're incredible," because of that other statement I'd heard all those years before.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, it's amazing how we have these experiences, and it just blocks our ability to let love in because we don't believe that we're worth it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
That also, I'm realizing, impacted how you first showed up when you started dating your wife, Radhi.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. (laughs) Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So, can we talk about that?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
Because, you know, I know that you were in business school when you first heard a monk speak at the age of 18, and you felt the call to become a monk. And did you meet Radhi before you became a monk, or how did you guys meet?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. So, going back to that, that moment, and then I'll dive into that question, I feel like you spend your life seeking validation.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
You then don't get it in the way you wanted it, and then you finally decide you have to validate yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And that journey can be 10 years, 20 years, or even 50 years. And so, the shorter we make that journey, the better it is. I met the monks when I was 18 years old, and I met Radhi just before, six months before I was about to go and become a monk, so my final year of university. And the way we met was, I was using the last six months, I would use all my weekends to go to the temple in my local area to train, and, to be honest, just to stay out of trouble, because I was like, "If I'm at university during my weekends, I'm going to get into trouble, so I need to go and practice." And I was asked to show a lady, came in one day, she was around my mom's age, and I was asked to show her around to do some services and some rituals at the temple. I've never been asked to do this before this day, I've never been asked to do it again. And at the end of it, she said to me, she, uh, she said, "I have a daughter that I'd love to introduce to you. I'd love for her to meet someone who's into spirituality and meditation. She's probably around your age." And I said, "Well, I'm so sorry, I'm going to go off and become a monk, but I'd introduce her to my sister." So, that woman that I met happened to be Radhi's mom, and she brought Radhi in to meet me, and I introduced her to my sister. And I saw Radhi, I probably exchanged, like, three words with her. I thought she was stunning and attractive and beautiful, hence what I was saying about finding her attractive. But in my head, I was like, "No, no, no, I'm training to be a monk, I need to stay focused, like, don't worry about it." And so her and my sister became friends. When I came back from the monastery, her and my sister had become really close. Radhi was at my house all the time, my sister was at hers all the time, and then my sister was our- our middle person who... our wing person-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
... who- who helped us get the message across. So, we met- we met before, and it was four years from... And- and then I found out that her mother that day, uh, prayed that her daughter would find someone like me, and I found that out many years later. And now I know she hates me because we moved to LA, so... (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Oh, your mother-in-law hates you.
- 35:24 – 37:08
Here’s why you keep dating the same kind of person over and over.
- JSJay Shetty
and you keep thinking, "I keep dating the same person again and again-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... I don't know what's wrong with me," like-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. What is wrong with us, Jay?
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) Well, that's the thing is that the conditioning of the gifts and gaps that our parents left become the map of how we look for love. So, if our parents gave us gifts, we're looking for people who give us those same gifts.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If your parents were present, if they turned up to your dance recital, if they turned up to your soccer game, you now are looking for someone who's forever present. Unlikely as an adult. That's not always going to happen. And if your parents left gaps, maybe they didn't believe in you, maybe they criticized you, maybe they compared you to a sibling or a family member or a cousin, now you have that gap, and you're hoping someone else is going to fill it. And what I learned during my time as a monk was, whatever you want from someone else, first give it to yourself. If you're looking from compliments from someone else, give it to yourself first. If you're looking for understanding from someone else, understand yourself first. And if you're looking for validation and affection, do that for yourself first. That's why I love, um, your high five habit. Like, it's perfect, right? The reason why it works is you're asking (laughs) everyone to look in the mirror every morning...... and give themselves exactly what they need from the day. And they can give it to themselves in the mirror. You're high-fiving yourself, like that is a perfect demonstration of how deeply you believe in this.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm going to ask Jay to do something in a minute, because he's in the middle of explaining rule number two, which is don't ignore your karma.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, and you have this beautiful meditation, but I just want to offer up something-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- 37:08 – 37:48
One simple exercise you can do today to start building a healthy relationship.
- JSJay Shetty
- MRMel Robbins
... to someone who may be listening and feeling like, "But, but, but, but, but..." One of the most simple exercises you could ever do, if you feel like you just can't break through in this area of being in a healthy relationship, or, or truly, um, finding or attracting love with the right person, just write down on a piece of paper everything you're looking for and then be that person yourself.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And something funny happens. You're like actually looking for things that are a void, and if you be those things for yourself, that person starts to show up.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
But Jay has an even deeper tool.
- 37:48 – 44:20
Jay leads us through a powerful meditation.
- MRMel Robbins
You have this younger self meditation.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Would you be willing to just walk us through that meditation, for just even a minute-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... of what that is like?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Eyes closed?
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Amazing. I love that.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. We-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
I'd love to do that. I think, so, for anyone who's doing this, I am just adding a disclaimer that this can be emotive, it can be challenging, and so please do this when you're in a safe space, when you are, uh, feeling more steady and you're feeling, uh, at ease. And maybe do it when you can follow it up with a bit of journaling or a bit of moment of reflection, and maybe even a conversation with a partner or friend, or, or someone that you trust. And so just to give that before, before we dive in. But I just want everyone to gently and softly close their eyes. And just take a moment ... to be present with your breath, the seat or bed or floor beneath you ... and whatever sounds are in your environment. I want you to visualize yourself meeting your 13-year-old self. Visualize their face. Visualize what you were probably wearing. Visualize yourself at that age, and as you get closer, give them a warm, loving embrace. And now, I want you to share with your younger self everything you wish you heard at that age. Everything you wish you were told. You can give it to them right now. You are enough. You're worthy of love. You have what it takes. Whatever it may be for you, shower them with all the love that you deserved then and now. And now ask them what wisdom or insight they have for you. Just listen carefully, and if nothing comes up immediately, allow it to arise even after this meditation tomorrow or this week. What advice or insight or words does your younger self have for you? Once again, give them a warm, loving embrace, all their love, all the connection, and know that that inner child is forever within you, and you can revisit them, shower them with love whenever you like. And when you're ready, you can gently and softly open your eyes and just be present.
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
Thank you for-
- MRMel Robbins
It was beautiful.
- JSJay Shetty
... allowing us that space.
- MRMel Robbins
I, I literally, um ... Do you mind if I share?
- JSJay Shetty
Please, I'd love to hear if you're-
- MRMel Robbins
I, um ...
- JSJay Shetty
... if you're so willing to.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah. I, I, I, uh, saw myself standing there with this Dorothy Hamill haircut, which was that famous-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... figure skater. Uh, let me tell you, the 13-year-old Mel Robbins does not look like the average 13-year-old (laughs) today.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) That's why I picked that awkward age, like no one at 13, I don't think there's anyone who is.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.... you know, that I've got this, like, uh, Benetton sweater on. I don't know why I'm focused on the clothes, but-
- JSJay Shetty
I love it. That's good. No, it's imp- no, that's really good visualization, like, the more de- I mean, if we had longer and as I describe in the book, the more detail, the better.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
That's great. That's fantastic.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- 44:20 – 47:37
There are four phases of love: hear them unpacked and explained.
- MRMel Robbins
in your research, you talk about the need for us to define love-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... for ourselves, before we think about it, we feel it, and that we have to know the four phases of love.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
So you can walk us through, like, these four phases of love?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Absolutely. So-
- MRMel Robbins
And I want to try to figure out which one you're in and which one I'm in-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
... with our partnership.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely. And, uh, what's really interesting is that I found that someone can say, "I love you," and it means they want to spend their life with you. And someone else can say, "I love you," and it means they want to spend a night with you. And the definition of love can truly be that large of a spectrum. Right, when someone says, "I love you," you don't stop to say, "Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean?" You just say, "I love you" back. And what you forget in that moment is that you signed up to your contract of the word love, but they signed up to their contract of the word love. If their love meant I like this right now-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
... that's what they meant when they said, "I love you." And if you said, "I love you," and that meant, "I want to bis- be with you forever," then that's what you signed up for, and you never checked whether your contracts matched. You never checked whether your definitions matched. And the unhealthy part about that is, you're expecting what you signed up to.
- MRMel Robbins
It's so true.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? And so, so that's where it comes in. So the four phases of love are attraction-
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- JSJay Shetty
... dreams, disappointments, and adapting, and trust.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
And so the first one is attraction, as we said.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
You have an attraction, you get excited.
- MRMel Robbins
There's a spark.
- JSJay Shetty
There's a spark. There could be something there. Now, if there isn't a spark on the other side, that withers away. It's game over.
- MRMel Robbins
Can we just start right there?
- JSJay Shetty
Oh. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause I think especially, and again-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... mother of daughters-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... and a son, but, um, I'm more worried about it with our daughters.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- 47:37 – 50:36
Dating someone new? Then you need to know about both the “halo effect” and the “context effect.”
- JSJay Shetty
the way you know a red flag, the first one is the halo effect. You are giving them qualities that they've never shown you.
- MRMel Robbins
Give me an example.
- JSJay Shetty
So what I'll... I'll give you an example. If someone is attractive, you assume they must be trustworthy. If someone is smart or they went to a good school, you assume they must be organized at home. If someone is wealthy or famous, you assume they must be likable. So what we're doing is, we're giving people qualities they haven't shown us.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
If someone is kind in the moment, we think they must be kind all the time. We've never seen whether they're kind when they're stressed. We've never seen when they're kind when they're tired. We've never seen if they're kind with their mom, their family, or anyone else. They've just shown us one moment of kindness, and we've amplified that to be that they're kind all the time. Another red flag is something called the context effect. So studies show that if you're holding a warm drink while on a date with someone, you're more likely to have warm feelings towards them.
- MRMel Robbins
Really?
- JSJay Shetty
Really. We're that biologically simple. The context effect also refers to if you bump into someone at a wedding...... you are more likely to think, "That could be the one," because love is all around.
- MRMel Robbins
No way.
- JSJay Shetty
Truly. The context effect is also that when you walk out of a theater and you just watched a romantic comedy and they went off into the sunset happily ever after, you're more likely to believe you're gonna bump into someone that you could do that with. So, we have to be so aware of, are we actually with this person in environments that don't promote and flourish love, but in the realities of life?
- MRMel Robbins
How the heck do you do that when your hormones are like-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... going crazy and yes, you've worked on knowing yourself-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and what you love, but I just wanna-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's a great question.
- MRMel Robbins
I wanna, I wanna just come back to this idea of in the attraction phase-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... where you're not thinking rationally-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... how do you notice this in yourself? Do you start like, bargaining with yourself? You start to notice that you're crossing lines with your own values. What would you counsel somebody to really pay attention to?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
If they continue to fall into a problem-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
... of making themselves available to people who are not actually available to you?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. So the first thing that I'd, I'd look at is, is that person responding at the pace you're responding?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
Right? Is that person responding at the pace you're responding or are you constantly having to force, play games? Are you spending a lot of time in? So, what's really interesting about what you're saying is that the biology shows also that, that spark we feel at the beginning, what we're really experiencing is excitement and stress at the same time. So the excitement is, "I think they're hot." The stress is, "Do they think I'm hot?"
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
The excitement is, "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I just texted them. I have their number." The stress is, "When are they gonna text back?"
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- 50:36 – 54:19
Jay’s best piece of advice if you want that new relationship to last.
- JSJay Shetty
think chemistry and the spark is something that we just feel, but actually it's excitement and stress together. And what's really interesting is that as you get to know someone better, the stress decreases-
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
... and comfort increases. So we think the spark's gone, but actually you've just become more comfortable in their presence. Now how does this answer your question? The way it answers your question is the idea that you can't control your hormones, you are gonna go through that, you are gonna feel all of this- these things. What you have to do is get past those feelings as they naturally will-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
... and then use your reasoning and logic to be thoughtful, to be mindful, and slow things down. And that's the number one thing I can say. Slow it down. You will make better decisions when you actually take time to see the other person, but take time to reflect.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
That you message them, but then you also take time again to slow down and say, "I don't need to see them every day. I can see them once a week and see how this goes." And I think people are scared of doing that, and I want to validate. Your hormones are gonna push you and take over-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... and you can't control that.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
You can only control what happens when they finally calm down, and you can either look at that and go, "Oh, the spark went," or you go, "Oh, now I actually get to see." It's almost like it's been foggy this whole time-
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
... and now the fog's cleared, now I can actually see. So sometimes you're just waiting or hoping that happens quicker, and then you can actually see. So, you could do two things. You can slow down the pace of a relationship emotionally, but you could spend more time with them to learn more about them in different scenarios, and I think this is one of the biggest mistakes we make. When we first see someone, we only see them in a very specific scenario. We see them on date night, we see them at a movie, we see them at a dinner. What about you see them with a few of their friends? What about you get to know them over an activity that puts you both in an uncomfortable situation? What about you go to an escape room? What about you go to a pottery class? What about you go to something where neither of you have any skills, but you get to try something new because now you get to see how they deal with new things? I remember the first time I took Radhika to an escape room, and we did a lot of activities when we first started dating and got together after we'd... Some, you know, gone past the first few dates and the escape room, she could tell that I am obsessed with figuring things out, I'm obsessed with time management (laughs) , and I'm pretty intense to be with when we have one hour to get out of a locked room. And I'd be like, "Radhika, come on, we've got 55 minutes left, like we gotta stay focused, like come on. Okay, you looked at that," and-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
... I'm like giving all these directions, and she's just like whoop-ti-doo-doo-doo, you know, she's just like bouncing around and then she'll push something, and the trap door will open, right? Like she's, she's an amazing lateral thinker. And it was interesting because that's where I started to learn that I'm an intense, obnoxious person to be around. She got to see that thankfully she still stayed with me, but the idea is you see so much more of a person if you do things with them that are not an interview, and I really believe that if your relationship starts as an interview, it will end like a rejection and a firing.
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh.
- JSJay Shetty
Because-
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh. Hold on. Hold on. Did everybody hear that? If your relationship starts like an interview, it will end in a rejection or firing. And I keep thinking about this idea of slowing down because if it's meant to last, you have plenty of time.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And the speed is what's gonna make it break.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
One of the things that I wanna really focus on next because Jay unpacks the four phases of attraction, dreams, struggle, and trust-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... in the book is I think my favorite rule, honestly, of all eight,
- 54:19 – 59:04
Here’s Jay’s Rule #4 of love and why it’s my favorite.
- MRMel Robbins
is number four. Your partner is your guru.
- JSJay Shetty
I thought it would be. When you said your favorite rule, I was thinking it would be this one.
- MRMel Robbins
Why did you think that it would be?
- JSJay Shetty
I don't know, I just feel like you... Obviously you and Chris have such an incredible hard work-based, like, genuine real relationship and marriage and it's like, I think as you spend more time together, you start learning so much more through your partner and from your partner, and I don't know, I just felt it. It was intuitive. I was just like, Mel, yeah, I can see Mel being Chris's guru and I can see Chris being Mel's guru.
- MRMel Robbins
Will you explain what that means 'cause I think when you first hear-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... your partner is your guru-I didn't realize what it meant.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
'Cause it didn't mean what I thought it meant.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And I want to encourage people to understand that this step comes as you deepen a relationship.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
This isn't something you want on day one. Like, if anyone's listening to that rule, and you don't read the book, and you're thinking, "Oh yeah, my partner's my business mentor," or, "They're my coach," or, "They're my therapist," like, that's not what I'm talking about at all.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
What I'm saying is, that as you deepen your friendship, as you deepen your relationship, as you actually get to know each other better, your partner becomes the one person who exposes all your flaws, all your weaknesses, and all your truths to you without even trying. And I'll give a personal example of this. When I first met Radi, I didn't have anything. I didn't have a job. I was in $25,000 worth of debt. I didn't have any job offers or prospects, and I was being rejected by 40 different companies during the time we were dating. And so, I would tutor economics and subjects that I was great at at college and university to students, save up to pay for our dates. And I always felt intimidated that we'd go on dates and I'd be with her friends or family, and they'd be like, "Well, Jay, what are you doing? What are you up to?" And I really had no answer because I'd just come out of being a monk, and surprise, surprise, no one wants to hire a former monk.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- JSJay Shetty
And then it was really interesting, because as my career took off, and I've been with Radi obviously fr- since before. And then as my career took off, I started to hit these external milestones.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- JSJay Shetty
And I'd hold them up almost, not physically, but... Not physically, but mentally. I would hold them up, and I'd be like, "Radi, love me for this. Look what I just achieved. I did this, love me for this." And she wouldn't love me more for that. And so then I'd achieve something bigger, and I'd be like, "But look at this, look what I did. Look what I did for us. Look how amazing I am. Like, love me for this." And she didn't react differently. And so then, I kept going, and then I held it up. And it was at that point I realized there's only two truths. Either my wife doesn't love me (laughs) which I know wasn't true, because she's shown me-
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
... love in so many ways.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Or, that there was something I was missing. And so what I realized was, I was trying to get my wife to love me for what I achieved when she actually loved me for who I am.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
She didn't teach me that by getting out a whiteboard and drawing bullet points. She taught me that by loving me only for my essence and who I was. So, every time she would acknowledge me or appreciate me, it was not about the views or the downloads or the- the amount of people that were commenting. It was ne- that was never the stuff she congratulated. The thing she congratulated was, "I really love what I learned from you in that moment today."
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Or, "I really loved how you dealt with that challenge." Or, "I saw that you were being criticized for this, and I saw how you responded. That's what I love about you." So, just in the way she loved me, she was teaching me how to love myself. And I think that your partner's the only person who can do that for you, because they know you so intimately. But the interesting thing is, a guru, in the way I learned from a guru in an ashram, in the way I studied, gurus don't judge. They don't critique. They're compassionate and empathetic. They don't complain and compare to show you your flaws. They reflect the truth back to you just by being present with you so that you can see yourself. And so, a guru isn't a partner who's telling you what to do or manipulating and controlling you, because that's ownership, that's not a relationship. And I think peop-
- MRMel Robbins
Ooh, ooh, hold on. Hold on, everybody.
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
There was another one. The monk is in the house dropping the wisdom. I love making you laugh.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh gosh, you make me laugh-
- 59:04 – 1:03:50
Is someone caring for you or controlling you? Here’s how to tell.
- JSJay Shetty
- MRMel Robbins
But-
- JSJay Shetty
... so much.
- MRMel Robbins
But-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... you just said that when somebody's controlling you, and when somebody is, I would even add in, nitpicking, criticizing-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... manipulating, judging, uh, being cold with you, silent treatment, that's ownership.
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Will you talk more about that? Because I think-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... there's a lot of people listening to you right now going, "Your l- your marriage sounds amazing."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And my relationship sucks."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Because I do not have a partner, uh, that is like that. I have a partner that's criticizing me. I have a partner that is doing all those things that make me feel bad.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So, talk to that person and-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... this notion of partnership versus ownership.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, absolutely. And so, we come into relationships based on the imprints that our parents gave us, as we talked about before, or even our first partners gave us.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And we also have so much inside of us that's unresolved, that that comes out in four ways. And these four things are comparison, criticism, complaining, and control. We think that if we do these four things, we feel better about ourselves, our partner may change, and overall, this is the language we've learned in how to talk to anyone.
- MRMel Robbins
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And so what we do is we compare them to someone else, thinking that if they know what one of our friends did for their anniversary, then our partner will get their act together.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
No one in the history of comparison has ever changed their life because they were compared to someone else.
- MRMel Robbins
It's true.
- JSJay Shetty
You don't make someone act better by making them feel inferior. It doesn't work that way. People act better because they feel inspired to, they feel called to, they feel energized in their life. But we try and use comparison.If someone else is trying to control you, it can often come in the form of care. It can look like care, but it's actually control, and there's only one way to know. Is someone giving you care in the way you want to better you, or are they doing it to make you more comfortable and convenient for them? Are they telling you what to wear, or are they telling you which of your friends are a good influence on you?
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- 1:03:50 – 1:05:26
What you might be doing in your relationship that’s hurting it.
- JSJay Shetty
So, you may love listening to me and Mel, and that's beautiful, and I love that. And if your partner loves listening to me and Mel too, awesome. But chances are, they might like learning from a different voice and a different coach and a different teacher and a different guide. And guess what? That's okay, because what inspires them may be completely different. I've had clients before where I'm working with the wife or I'm working with the husband, and they want me to work with each other, and I'll say, "If they want to. If that person wants to learn from me, I'm all for it." But we have to allow people to select their own mentors. We have to allow people to select their own path. And by the way, I'll give you an example. There's- there's a- a couple that I know, and one of them finds knowledge and learning to be what growth means to them.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And one of them finds service.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
So, one of them will happily go to a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, and help out every week, and to them, that's growth. And to the other person, reading books, listening to podcasts, trying to study and be better is- is their form of growth. Now, could we honestly say one is better than the other? No. It's just two different paths, and probably they'll cross at one point if we don't push the other person away. But sometimes we push away the other person so far that our paths of growth never get to come together.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, and I think you also have to be present enough to know when someone that you, quote, "love" is pushing you off your path.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
That you're busy supporting them on theirs-
- JSJay Shetty
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... but they're not meeting you-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... halfway.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Now,
- 1:05:26 – 1:06:49
Here’s what I disagreed with Jay about.
- MRMel Robbins
one thing I am gonna disagree with you on-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs) Please.
- MRMel Robbins
... is that I do think you should send this episode-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... to a person that you're in a relationship with, because I think it provides a tremendous amount of things to talk about.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And it might not be the same things that you think you want to talk about. But, you know, in closing, Jay, I just, you know, there's one more thing I wanted to ask you-
- JSJay Shetty
Please. Please.
- MRMel Robbins
... and that is, um, I just keep thinking about this idea that the whole purpose of your relationship is to help your partner achieve their goals.
- JSJay Shetty
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And if you're in a relationship where you are focused on their goals and they are focused on yours, that is true partnership.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Because you are showing up in a way that somebody really feels honored and seen and heard and supported, and you will feel the exact same way.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's so simple, and we make it so complicated. And so, I want to ask you one final thing.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, you know, I was w- obviously we're friends, but I did research before you came on, and I noticed this article in The Telegraph, and I did not realize that you had officiated J.Lo's wedding.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
If you were to give someone
- 1:06:49 – 1:11:54
What is the purpose of love in your life? Jay answers.
- MRMel Robbins
listening, 'cause I think that moment of a wedding, right, where you are really holding space for somebody's love and relationship, if you were to give the person listening right now one final thing to think-
- JSJay Shetty
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... about the purpose of love in their life-What would you say?
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. What a great question. And I want to add that when I do officiate anyone's wedding, it's a meditation that act-... And this is part of my practice and, and the tradition I learned as a monk, that if you ever got the opportunity to officiate anyone's wedding, and I was ordained in my tradition, but when the, when, even when we're doing an agnostic wedding, the idea is that you start meditating and praying for the couple from the moment you're asked.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So, the journey doesn't start on the day when you turn up. It starts from the moment you're asked and requested to do that. So, I usually start meditating anywhere from one to three months before, on that day, on that couple, on that union. So, I would say that we think that the greatest act of love is to give love, share love, feel love. But actually, the greatest act of love is loving someone so much that they learn to love themselves.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's the act of love, that you have loved someone so beautifully and deeply. Not that they feel loved by you, but that they've learned to love themselves. And I think that's hard. When we love out of ego and selfishness and pride, we make people feel impressed by how much we love them. I would not feel proud if Radhi would just feel, "I feel loved by my husband." That's great. That's awesome. I'd feel more proud if she said, "The way Jay loves me makes me love myself more."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And whenever I write about love, whenever I try and share love with friends, family, team members, anyone in, anyone that I cross paths with, my only goal is to hope that the way I love them will help them fall in love with themselves, and that what I see in them, they'll see in themselves. And that what I don't see in them, they'll discover within themselves. And so, I think whether it's marriage, whether it's moving in, whether it's a long-term relationship, that's what I'd have to say.
- MRMel Robbins
Beautiful. And what I want to say is, in case nobody else tells you today, Jay and I want to tell you...
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... that we love you.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
And we believe in you.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
And your ability to feel, express, give, and receive the love that you deserve-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... in your life.
- JSJay Shetty
And start noticing all the love that is there in your life.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And you'll start feeling and finding the one that isn't. Because you are loved by your brother, sister, family, child, dog, cat. Like, you, you are loved. You're loved by Mel and me. You, you are loved. And if we start noticing how loved we are, we'll find that we're not as drained of love as we feel we are.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm. Ladies and gentlemen-
- JSJay Shetty
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... dogs and cats, everybody out there... (clapping)
- JSJay Shetty
(clapping)
- MRMel Robbins
... Jay Shetty!
- JSJay Shetty
Mel Robbins, everyone! Mel!
- MRMel Robbins
(screaming)
- JSJay Shetty
Mel, you're amazing.
Episode duration: 1:11:54
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