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The Truth About Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go With Jay Shetty | Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you and I are getting a #masterclass on the topic of #love. And it’s not what you think. This is not an episode about #relationships - it is an episode about YOUR relationship to love and how you can let more love into your life. If you have felt alone or feel like your relationships are on #autopilot - this episode is a real gift. @jayshetty2758 is someone I really love. He’s the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Like a Monk, and his latest book is Love Rules. His sage counsel on life is sought after by celebrities, world leaders, professional athletes and the most successful artists in the world. Watch this episode as a family. Watch with your friends. Watch with your partner.. Watch by yourself. Love is what we need. And hearing two dear friends go deep on the topic will make your heart swell. Xo Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: 00:00 Intro 10:44 Hear Jay’s 3-part definition of love I’d never heard that is so spot on. 11:46 According to research, this is how many hours you need to spend to make a casual friend, a good friend, and a great friend. 14:39 Are you doing this with your partner? Jay says that’s not love. 16:36 Okay wow, here’s where I realize I’m not doing something for my husband, Chris, that I should be doing. 19:11 If your relationship is new, be careful you don’t do this. 21:29 Why do we chase relationships in order to feel worthy? 22:44 Rule #1 for finding love. 27:35 What research shows will happen if you enter a relationship simply because you’re afraid of being alone. 26:57 Hear Jay in a rare moment where he talks about his childhood trauma. 35:24 Here’s why you keep dating the same kind of person over and over. 37:08 One simple exercise you can do today to start building a healthy relationship. 37:48 Jay leads us through a powerful meditation. 44:20 There are four phases of love: hear them unpacked and explained. 47:37 Dating someone new? Then you need to know about both the “halo effect” and the “context effect.” 50:36 Jay’s best piece of advice if you want that new relationship to last. 54:19 Here’s Jay’s Rule #4 of love and why it’s my favorite. 59:04 Is someone caring for you or controlling you? Here’s how to tell. 1:03:50 What you might be doing in your relationship that’s hurting it. 1:05:26 Here’s what I disagreed with Jay about. 1:06:49 What is the purpose of love in your life? Jay answers. More about #JayShetty: - Jay's new book, 8 Rules of Love is now available for purchase at https://8rulesoflove.com/ and wherever books are sold. - To catch Jay on his first ever global tour 'Love Rules', go to https://jayshettytour.com/ for tickets. - Follow Jay on Instagram (I personally never miss a post.): https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty/ - Jay’s website: https://jayshetty.me/ - Follow Jay on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/ - Follow Jay on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@jayshetty?lang=en - Get Jay’s first book, the #1 New York Times bestseller Think Like a Monk: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1982134488/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1982134488&linkCode=as2&tag=genius022-20&linkId=6ca4cc38475c6b64e80289ceaa553345 - Subscribe to Jay’s podcast On Purpose: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-purpose-with-jay-shetty/id1450994021 — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostJay Shettyguest
Feb 2, 20231h 11mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Jay Shetty Redefines Love As A Learnable Skill, Not Fate

  1. Mel Robbins interviews Jay Shetty about his new book "8 Rules of Love" and together they reframe love as a skill you can learn, practice, and improve, rather than a mysterious feeling you hope to find. Jay shares his practical definition of love—liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and being committed to their goals—and contrasts it with the culture’s obsession with chemistry and fairy-tale romance.
  2. They explore how childhood wounds, past bullying, and parental patterns quietly script our relationships, and why learning to enjoy solitude, heal your younger self, and validate yourself are prerequisites to healthy love. Jay lays out early-stage dating pitfalls, like confusing stress and excitement for "chemistry" and treating dates like job interviews, and suggests slowing down to truly see who someone is.
  3. Later, they unpack deeper-stage partnership: why your partner can become your greatest teacher (guru) without controlling or "owning" you, and how real love means helping each other pursue your own goals and identities, not forcing each other onto the same path. The conversation closes with a powerful reframe: the highest act of love is loving someone so well that they learn to love themselves.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Redefine love beyond chemistry: like their personality, respect their values, commit to their goals.

Jay argues that attraction is essential but not sufficient; enduring love rests on wanting to spend real time with someone, respecting what they value (even if you don’t share it), and supporting *their* authentic goals—not the ones you project onto them.

Learn to be in solitude so you stop chasing love from emptiness.

He distinguishes loneliness (the weakness of being alone) from solitude (the strength of being alone) and suggests using solo time to discover what you genuinely like in people, places, and projects, instead of defining yourself through who chooses you.

Identify and rewrite your "love story" and childhood imprints.

Experiences like bullying, comparison, or emotional neglect create gaps and scripts (“I’m unlovable,” “They’re out of my league”) that drive later relationships; practices like younger-self meditations and letters help you give yourself the validation you’re seeking from partners.

When dating, slow down and test reality instead of chasing the spark.

What we call "chemistry" is often a mix of excitement and anxiety, amplified by context (weddings, romantic movies, warm drinks); Jay advises slowing the pace, seeing people in varied settings, and noticing whether effort and responsiveness are mutual.

Watch for internal red flags: your own projections and fantasies.

Instead of expecting others to reveal obvious flaws, notice when you’re applying the halo effect (assuming extra virtues based on one trait) or bending your values and boundaries just to keep someone around; these are signals you’re idealizing, not seeing clearly.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

I define love as when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and when you're committed to helping them achieve their goals.

— Jay Shetty

Are you trying to get them to the next step in their journey, or are you trying to get them to the next step in your journey?

— Jay Shetty

If your relationship starts as an interview, it will end like a rejection and a firing.

— Jay Shetty

If you're waiting for someone to love you to believe you're lovable, then the day they change their mind, you're immediately unlovable.

— Jay Shetty

The greatest act of love is loving someone so much that they learn to love themselves.

— Jay Shetty

Jay Shetty’s definition of love and the three core componentsSolitude vs. loneliness and learning to know and like yourself firstHow childhood experiences and trauma shape our love patterns (karma)Early-stage dating: attraction, red flags, and slowing the paceThe four phases of love: attraction, dreams, disappointments, trust/adaptingPartnership vs. ownership: control, comparison, criticism, and careYour partner as your guru: mutual growth, support, and self-love

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