The Mel Robbins PodcastThis Life-Changing Conversation Will Help You Make Peace With Who You Are
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
125 min read · 24,630 words- 0:00 – 15:34
Welcome
- MRMel Robbins
You're about to meet someone unlike any other guest who has ever been on the Mel Robbins Podcast.
- MRMon Rovîa
Life is, is full of suffering, but it doesn't take away from you belonging in it. Talking about my stories and the music, all I do it for is for you to know that your time here is, is meant.
Crooked the road.
- MRMel Robbins
His name is Monrovia. You and I are gonna be swept away, not only by his story, but by his humility, his compassion, and the message that he is here to tell you today. It's a message that's gonna leave you feeling loved, empowered, and clear. Mon's life story sounds like a movie, and every bit of it is true. How do you process the survivor guilt?
- MRMon Rovîa
Move from a place of, of blame to a place of, I think, claiming this opportunity. It was a gift. If you stop now, you'll never know the groups of people that are waiting to bring you into that fold or the lives that you're going to impact in this life on this journey. And so, I believe that you're meant to be here, and I hope you continue.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm so proud of you.
- MRMon Rovîa
Thank you. Means a lot.
- MRMel Robbins
I'm- I don't know why I'm gonna cry, but I'm so proud of you.
- MRMon Rovîa
Maybe tomorrow. We might steal the sun from underneath our eyes.
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am on the edge of my seat. I am so excited for our conversation today. I'm excited that you're here. It is always such an honor to spend this time together. But today, the fact that I get to meet somebody that I've admired at the same moment you get to meet them, that is just a thrill. And if you're new to the podcast, I wanted to personally take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad that you're here with me right now. And because you made the time to listen to this particular episode today, here's what I know about you. First of all, I know that you value your time, so it means a lot to me that you made the decision to hit play. And you're gonna be so happy that you did because something magical is about to happen. And if you're listening right now because someone shared this conversation with you, it's because I was right. Something magical did happen in this episode and they wanted you to experience it too, and so does my incredible guest today, Monrovia. Monrovia is a phenomenon, a one-of-a-kind musician from Tennessee who has carved out time from a busy touring schedule to be here for this special conversation. You and I are gonna be swept away, not only by his story, but by his humility, his compassion, and the message that he is here to tell you today. It's a message that's gonna leave you feeling loved, empowered, and clear. Mon's life story sounds like a movie, and every bit of it is true. Mon grew up carrying a history and feelings that he couldn't fully explain, until he found music. And now his music is finding people all over the world. I mean, just look at his TikTok. His videos have 17 million likes, and a bunch of them, they're from me. And what he's creating doesn't just cross genres, it crosses continents, generations, and life experiences. Mon blends his Afro-Appalachian roots with raw, personal storytelling, a sound so distinct, so grounding and folksy singer-songwriter, it earned him a spot on Spotify's 2024 Juniper Artists to Watch list. He now reaches over 1.5 million monthly listeners on the platform, proof that his voice is resonating way beyond the stage. And a Monrovia concert? That is something to behold. He has sold out every headline show he's ever played. He's taken the stage at Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits, and the legendary Newport Folk Festival. This year, this rising star is going global with a sold out European tour that he just completed and US appearances at major festivals, including Boston Calling and a return to Newport. I mean, this guy is a rising star. But more importantly, there is so much wisdom, not only in his music, but in his life story and what he wants to share with you today, that you can take whatever has happened to you in the past and make something beautiful out of it. So please help me welcome Monrovia to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Monrovia, I am so excited to meet you in person. Thank you for jumping on a plane. Thank you for being here. Congratulations on all your success. I am so excited to talk to you.
- MRMon Rovîa
Oh, it's, it's an- it's a complete honor. And, uh, yeah, I'm really just, yeah, stoked to be, to be in this place with you right now. So thank you so much for giving me space to tell my story.
- MRMel Robbins
I would love to start by having you speak to the person who is with us right now. This is somebody who doesn't have a lot of time, but they have hit play, they're making the time to learn from your story, to learn from your wisdom. What might they experience that could be different about their life if they truly take to heart all of the wisdom and lessons that you're about to teach us from your own life journey?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, I think something, uh, that I hope for just that one person is to know that life is, is full of suffering. Um, but it doesn't take away from you belonging in it, um, that you have such an amazing part to play, um, in this- in the scheme of things. And so, uh, yeah, I mean, talking about my stories and the music, all I do it for is for you to know that your time here is, is meant.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you cultivate that belief? And I'm sure we're gonna get into it. If you're in a place in your life where you are really suffering-How do you get yourself to believe that you're meant to be here and that there's something bigger for you?
- MRMon Rovîa
I think it comes back to memory, and if you can think of your life and the, the things you've already come through and you're still standing, you're still... Regardless if you're on the floor, you're still here present with us. And memory is an important part of the art of continuation. Uh, knowing that you've come through things already and believing that you will again til you get to that place, uh, where maybe you're more, you know, fulfilled and strengthened, uh, is the ways, is the ways I've kept myself, um, going forward.
- MRMel Robbins
For somebody who is just meeting you for the first time, you know, I, I was introduced to you through a very, very dear friend of mine. I have been following you online for 18 months. I am so proud of you.
- MRMon Rovîa
(sighs) Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
Your music does feel like waking up from a dream. It immediately makes my shoulders drop. I am so excited to see you exploding in terms of popularity and the recognition for your music. But for the person who hasn't heard you sing, has not heard your music, does not know your story, how would you describe the music that you create and the kind of artistry that you're putting into the world?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, the music I create, uh, I think, for one, is peaceful. When you enter, you know, when that song comes on, my hope for you is to, to have you lose anxiety, for you to be able to sink in and think about, I think, the importance of, one, yourself. And, uh, I hope my music takes people into, into that realm and that they can then, I would say, understand just how important they are. So that's, that's, that's kind of the main purpose of the music. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Did you always know you wanted to be a musician?
- MRMon Rovîa
No. No, not at all. Yeah, I think I had this gift of, of making music, but I was a very shy person. I was really quiet, uh, growing up. I mean, I've come from a lot, you know? You know, I've, I've gone, had gone through a lot of things at a young age already, and so, you know, I, I... To assimilate as well in America, I think a lot of my life I was watchful, trying to see what my place was and how to act as, uh, an African American in a White household in more of a middle class space, private school. So, a lot of my life was watchful. I didn't... I wanted to play the part well, and I think that was something that, that, um, that, that just became what I was early on.
- MRMel Robbins
I love that word "watchful." It's so relatable, because regardless of where you come from or who you are or what family you're in, I think we've all had those experiences where we enter a space or we enter a group of people or we enter a chapter of our life-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and we say, "I'm not sure I belong," or, "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," and this idea of stepping back and watching. Wow, I, I really get that about you, and I can, I can think of moments in my life where I've felt that way too, and I think it's something that we do when we also feel lost.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's probably a part of how you figure out how to find your way and find yourself.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, and it, and it also protects you from, at the ti- you know, at the time, from saying things maybe that you shouldn't say or s- you know, maybe social cues that you don't understand coming from different places or things like this. Um, so it was definitely a protection, you know, mechanism for me as well.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, you mentioned that one of the things that you hope people feel is peace-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
... when they listen to your music.
- 15:34 – 20:22
Meet Mon Rovîa
- MRMel Robbins
journey of your life, because you were born in Liberia.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And in the midst of civil war and all of this violence-
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... your life changed forever when you were seven years old.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you tell me what happened?
- MRMon Rovîa
Absolutely. So my mom, you know, she's a working woman, and so she's had a couple kids along the way, a lot of them passed away during the war. So me and my brother and s- my brother, Timothy, and my sister, Tikumbra, who we call Jacqueline 'cause the other name's just super hard to say. (laughs) Uh, you know, us three, we lived. Um, and she, you know, she kept us and raised us as best she could. She passed away, um, in childbirth, uh, with our other brother. And so, uh, it was just my grandmother, you know, taking care of us at this time. And it was hard during the war. There wasn't... There was nothing, you know? And this missionary family that had been working in Monrovia, uh, was... had been doing things in the community, and one of my aunts decided to go and literally just bring me to them. Like, there was no... I mean, it could have been my sister or it could have been my other brother that was chosen, but they... She picked me up and said, "You're gonna go live with this family." And so from that day on, I lived with them, yeah, just in, in Liberia, and we lived through the war before we went back to the States for a little bit. And, um, I don't think... Uh, I don't think when I became older I, I realized how much it did to my mind, I think. Like, being pulled from your land, the language, similarity of people, you know, didn't have the words for it then. No, I didn't speak. I was, I was quiet for a long time. Yeah, my adopted family tells me this all the time, they're like, "Yeah, you didn't say a word to us for a very... We thought something was, like, something was wrong with you." (laughs) I was like, "Yeah, probably there was something wrong with me, I just... I didn't know who you were. You were these... Who are these White people?" (laughs) You know? So, um, but, you know...
- MRMel Robbins
Did you have a sense when you said goodbye to your grandmother that-
- MRMon Rovîa
I didn't... Nah, I didn't know it was goodbye, I don't think.
- MRMel Robbins
Have you seen your brothers and sisters since this?
- MRMon Rovîa
Man, such a tale to get to that. But recently, I did make contact with my sister, uh, after a long time of, of really not paying attention to anything about it. So it's been a very hard, very hard, uh, thing to come to terms with. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
I would imagine.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And I'm sure you'll continue to come to terms with it for your whole life, I think that's how-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... something that traumatic actually works.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. I- i- You know, it, it, it, it was something that, um...... I wasn't ready, for most of my life, to, to look at. Uh, as I lived the American experience, I think it's so easy to feel ashamed of where you're from, even if it's you had no part to play in it.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MRMon Rovîa
So, I tried to kind of just bury a lot of those things and, and forget.
- MRMel Robbins
And how is that working? (laughs)
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs) You know, you know, the past, the past is always in the undertow, in the choices that you make, and it, it never left un- until I looked at it and was ready to, to accept the truth.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you remember about what your life was like before this happened, like being a kid growing up in the middle of this really violent war in Liberia? Because, you know, in case the person listening doesn't understand, like, one of the things that was happening is they were taking young boys like you and turning them into soldiers.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. Yeah, my two brothers, Saturday and Emmanuel, they fought in the war, you know, ages five to ten. And I grew up in the m- I, I, I was born in the midst of the fighting already, so all I would've known is chaos and violence. But before that, Liberia was a very beautiful place. I mean, some of the friendliest people, and there was a lot of good going on. Uh, there was a dictator that came in, bringing child soldiers from neighboring countries into Liberia, overthrowing the government, and from there, kind of descending the country into, into chaos. It destroyed everything. I mean, even to this day, you know, Liberia is still trying to recover. Um, but there's no law, you know? And you're obeying five-year-olds with AKs and RPGs, you know, like telling you, "Get on the ground." You know, "We'll take your sister," or ... And you have to listen. They're, uh, uh, it's actually kind of insane to wrap your head around that that's possible.
- MRMel Robbins
One of the things that you said that was, I think, very relatable is that this sense
- 20:22 – 25:12
Why You Have to Accept the Past to Move Forward
- MRMel Robbins
of feeling a deep sense of shame about either where you've come from, or your past, or what's happened, even though you had no part to play-
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm.
- MRMel Robbins
... and you are not responsible for what happened, and yet you carry that with you. What would you say to, uh, the person that's listening that either feels that same sense of shame about their past, or about where they've come from, or about where they are now, or somebody that they love is feeling that way about, like, what's possible in terms of how to move through something like that?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. No, that's a, that's a really good question. I mean, for me, and I can only say it from my, I think, from my own, my own standpoint, but I would tell you that ... that there's so much more, I would say, beyond, beyond the past. And you can't let the past hold you and take you out of the world that you are meant to be a part of. And it did that to me for a very long time. And I, I, I sat and wallowed, um, wilting, just ... blaming myself for a lot of things. And it's, it's such an easy thing to do, as, as Mel said, but I hope you know the beauty of knowing that l- life is long and every step leads you somewhere, um, beyond the things that wanna, want to capture you and take you back. And the past is like this a lot to all of us. And, uh, I would just, I would just hope that, you know, that you always make it up your hills and around your corners because you just never know when good comes. And, uh, but it takes continuing, so ...
- MRMel Robbins
Continuing. What does that word mean to you?
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- MRMon Rovîa
That word to me, I mean, that's, uh, I think that's my whole life has been that word, actually. Um, it means finding another day, you know? Uh, uh, for me, there were so many times I wanted to quit and lay down and, and say, "Yeah, yeah, I'm, I can't do, I can't do this. I can't overcome the survivor's guilt. I can't overcome the truth of, you know, the feelings I have with my, you know, my, my mother and things like this." And I would tell myself, "Through the gray, find another day, another day to, to quit." And it help, it, it, it helped me to make it through each day. I'd be like, "Not today. I'll find another day." And though I continued again, "Find another day," I continued again. Until, you know, as choices, as choices come, I started to make better ones. I started to see how far I had gone from my suffering into the day, into this beautiful experience of life, into how, where I am now, and it wouldn't have happened if I didn't keep finding another day to do it.
- MRMel Robbins
I wanna make sure that the person listening really gets that, because when you first said it, I didn't quite get it, and then I saw the genius in it.
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And so, let me try to unpack this and play this back to you to see-
- MRMon Rovîa
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
... if I'm interpreting this the right way, okay?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
So, when you said, "Find another day," right? So, you, nobody would blame you, by the way, if you're like, "This is all just too much. I, I, I just can't handle this anymore."
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
The genius in what you did to coach yourself through that, that I wanna make sure that the person listening really gets, is when you said, "Find another day," if Mel Robbins said it, he would have this, like, tinge of positivity.You actually had this genius thread through it, which, "Nope, nope, I'm gonna find another day to quit." Meaning, "Today's not the day I quit, but I'm giving myself permission to quit on another day if I want to."
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And there's so much truth and acknowledgement of how difficult the experience was, and maybe some days still is, to reconcile everything that's happened to you.
- MRMon Rovîa
It's true.
- MRMel Robbins
And to give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel. But when you say, "Not today, I'm gonna find another day to quit, but today is not the day I quit."
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, today was not the day. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Right?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
There's something in the brutal honesty of that that I think makes it profoundly powerful.
- 25:12 – 33:40
Adoption, Identity, and the Power of Owning Your Truth
- MRMel Robbins
- MRMon Rovîa
You know, if you talk about adoption in itself, a lot of families think this. I'm not saying mine did, but, and they were an amazing family. But I'm saying when I look at people that I know that are adopted, that have been rescued from, you know, a bad family or experiences around the world s- similar to mine, you know, a lot of these adopted families believe just that. That, "Oh, you've been saved, so you're good." And it's just not the case for those that are adopted people. You know? There's- there's so much depth in coming from, you know, what is your- your lineage or bloodline. But being torn from that, torn from a mother or father, i- i- it's- i- it's something that, uh, you have to carry, you carry through your entire life.
- MRMel Robbins
I want to be very clear to repeat back something that I heard, which is, I don't hear you blaming your parents that adopted you. In fact, you have talked about the fact that this was an incredible gift. What I hear is you acknowledging the truth about how complicated an experience it can be for people who are being adopted, because you have this huge range of emotions. You feel grateful for the fact that somebody has taken you into their family, but you also feel confusion. Confusion as to whether or not you were wanted by your family. And if, like you, you were the only one adopted and you have siblings that are still somewhere else, you wonder, "Why was it you?" And then on top of that, I would imagine that if you're coming from another country, that adds a whole host of other feelings that you may have about whether or not you belong. None of which is the fault of the adoptive parents. And I'm sure if you're listening now and you've either been adopted or you're an adoptive parent, you know that this is true. But perhaps you don't quite know how to create a space for all of those complicated feelings to be okay and to be talked about without somebody feeling bad. I think that's what you're saying.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, there's so many feelings wrapped up in it. One, you watch your siblings. You see where they get certain traits from. And again, I have characteristics of my adoptive family 'cause I was young, so I do have things, characteristics of, like, my dad, my adopted dad, adopted mom. But you watch and see, you know, the gait of their walk or, uh, a certain smile that comes across their face that looks like, you know, their mom or dad. And you, and you wonder, you start to wonder, like, "W- what..." And I have this song that I wrote about it called Whose Face Am I? And you start to wonder, "Wh- whose face am I? What is my history? What is my story?" And I just think for anybody that adopts, uh, yes, it's a beautiful experience and you're doing an amazing work 'cause it's, you're giving kids, I think, an opportunity to- to live and also find themselves. Um, but I hope that, as well, you- you never l- let them go through without telling them, I think, the truth of their- their starting point.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MRMon Rovîa
Like, even if it's a hard story. And there's something that will give them a lot of, I think, p- um, identity, in hearing where they've come from, regardless of how hard it is.
- MRMel Robbins
Is that something that was kept from you for a while?
- MRMon Rovîa
I wouldn't say... I don't know, kept is interesting. I- I- I don't know if it was kept really, but we didn't really talk about it.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And so when I tell you how I s- I reached... my sister and I have now come back together, I was in a place to ask a lot of different things, uh, about my story. And honestly, that's- that's kind of healed me the most throughout my- my entire time.
- MRMel Robbins
What were some of the most surprising or reassuring things that you learned about your story that helped you heal?
- MRMon Rovîa
Well, I learned a lot about my mother, and I think the root of my suffering, which is an important piece, is it'd always been around her and not knowing her.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And not knowing the feelings that maybe she had or how I, you know... if I had come from... if I had come into this world based on love or based on other things. And so, it was- it was tough because, you know, I found out some other things about just, you know, what she had to do during the war, right, to survive. And some of those things were really heavy for me to hear. Um, but I also found out in the mid- middle of that that she loved me very much. And she, you know, decided to keep us, you know? It- it... I mean, think about the sacrifice of a woman deciding to have a child i- in war and, like, being like, "I- I'm gonna try to take care of them in this experience." It's just... it- it- it- it's- it made me feel very, very loved.
- MRMel Robbins
Can I ask you a really personal question? And we can edit this out.
- MRMon Rovîa
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
But I'm just curious about this. So was part of your concern that you were conceived because of sexual violence that was happening during the war?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and that... actually, that can be in the... I don't... that doesn't bother me one bit. It's the truth of the matter. And that was something, as a kid-... that I was always afraid to, to ask, to, to wonder. I, I didn't want to wonder about that.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm. And-
- MRMon Rovîa
Um-
- MRMel Robbins
... is that what happened?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. Yeah. And so growing up, I mean, people say many things. They say, you know, you could, you, you know, maybe I was a bastard and things like this. Like, I thought about this at a young age. Like, I was already- already pretty in tune about just a lot of the world, so I wondered a lot. And yeah, it made me very... I felt very alone-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... thinking about this. And I remember speaking to my sister, and I'll, and I'll tell you the story. I was driving with my manager, two of my managers, coming from a tour, and I'm speaking to my sister, listening. I have my headphones in, and she's telling me this, this story. And, um, you know, and I was like, "So tell me about my mom." You know? Uh, and she says, "Oh, your mom was, you know, she was so beautiful, um, kind, hilarious." 'Cause she remembers. She's older than me, so she remembers a lot more. And, and I was like, "Well, so what about my dad?" And, uh, uh, and she tells a story of how, you know, things went down, and, um, I remember I sat in the back, and I, and I just wept. Yeah. I cried those tears that I had held in for a very long time when it came to that part of my, my s- my story. Um, faced it, you know, accepted it, um, that from... yeah, from violence, still beautiful things can come. And I think that is what brought me a lot of peace there. The love afterwards, I think, um, meant... that she kept me meant the most ever. So, I mean, I wouldn't be here with- without that.
- MRMel Robbins
What's your mother's name?
- MRMon Rovîa
Her name is Maria. Yeah, man. So...
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you for sharing that.
- MRMon Rovîa
Absolutely. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Were your managers like, "Dude, what's going on back there?"
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- 33:40 – 39:31
How to Make Peace With the Life You Didn’t Choose
- MRMel Robbins
For somebody that is listening to you and they're thinking, "Well, I, I just am so different from my family," or, "I know exactly what you're talking about, but I don't know how to reconcile the truth," what would you recommend as something that they could do to start walking down that road of healing and that sense of coming to peace with the truth about just your life story?
- MRMon Rovîa
I think finding a place where you feel safe is the number one step into, one, possibly accepting the, uh, y- the truth or coming to terms with it. And for me, music was the safe space. So I would tell that person, if you have somewhere where the s- the world is, is quiet, where you can look at it clearly and take the time, give yourself that time, because it wasn't something that I did when I was 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I mean, no. This was years. And I think accepting that when it comes, it will come, but you also have to create the spaces and, that are not in the, the loudness of the world for you to be able to sit still and, and, and really look at the truth. So whatever that space is for them, um, I think there is where acceptance will be found.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you remember the first time you felt safe?
- MRMon Rovîa
The first time I felt safe. I mean, it's, uh, it- it's, it's, it's an interesting question because, I mean, I was safe, but I remember, still, dreams followed me all m- I mean, most of my life, even till now. I, I have dreams of being chased by child soldiers or guns to my head and things like this. So safety, in my mind, is something that I still search for.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- MRMon Rovîa
But bodily safety, yeah. I was... I mean, I... when I left Liberia, I, I think that was when I was like, "Okay, yeah. I don't think anything's really gonna happen to me here." (laughs) But, like, uh...
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you got the question right, 'cause the question wasn't about whether or not you were safe.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Because I think there's a sense for all of us that we can busy ourselves-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... and we can know that we are okay-
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... but as we are outrunning or denying or s- not allowing ourselves to process what we need to process or to be honest about the things that we're struggling with, we don't feel safe.
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And I read that since you weren't thinking, "Okay, I'm just gonna write music about my pain, and that's what I'm gonna do with my life, and that's what..." Like, you were literally seeking space to be able to process the experiences of your life. And I read that you started journaling.And that that became the early entry point for you to start writing music.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Can you talk about, like, the power of journaling and how it helped you?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. I could never say... I wouldn't say I was the best speaker in my family. I- I- I had a hard time always trying to convey what I wanted to say to my parents or, you know, mainly my parents. And, uh, I remember when I fell in love with just words when I started to write. And it was just a place where it could be me. It was just me and me. That was the first safe space in, in the journaling. Yeah. And, um, I didn't n- intend to really have that go into song, to be honest. Um, but kind of as time went on, I was able to turn a lot of my writings and things into, you know, m- melodic kind of flows and things like this, and it became that way. And now, going, as I'm, you know, older and things like that, that's kind of how I write my lyrics, is most of the time it starts with me thinking about things that I have a hard time saying, um, or things I think about the world and I'm writing them down and they come back to me, um, weeks, months, years later-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... into a song. Kind of like just... Yeah, and that's the downloading from the source. It doesn't... I don't think about it, but when it presents itself again and reappears, uh, these lyrics, and then it- it just turns into some- something that can help another person. So...
- MRMel Robbins
You know, one thing-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... I want to validate, because I-
- MRMon Rovîa
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
... noticed you said I wasn't the best speaker.
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
And I think-
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... for me and the person that's with us right now right now are like, "No, you're a pretty good speaker actually."
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- 39:31 – 46:30
How to Stop Punishing Yourself and Fall Out of Love With Suffering
- MRMel Robbins
things that I read that you said that I would love to dig into is, "I used to be in love with my suffering." What does that mean?
- MRMon Rovîa
It became something I thought I deserved. And so in that, I accepted that exact thing, that I'm meant to suffer. A lot of people do that. Uh, I, for one, easily did that when it, when it came to anything that I, that I went through. I said, "You know, I deserve this," because I would look at my life and the choices I made, and it all goes back to Liberia for me. I want, because I wanted to forget them. I wanted to, to pay them no mind, to not even respect, you know, the lives of the people lost there. I just wanted to be in America. I wanted to... I just wanted to go to college, go place my sports, have all these things in life, and, uh, and when I was in college, it came to a head. I- my mind literally shattered. I was... I was so depressed and, and, and had no, no course. And so, I said, "You know what? I will... I'm just, I'll just suffer." Like, this is my penance because I- of all the things that I, all the time I wasted in America not utilizing the gift of having an opportunity to do something. I put everything of that on myself, my mother dying, I put, I put that maybe if Timothy or my sister Jacqueline were here, maybe one of them would have been a doctor to do something even more useful, maybe one of them would have done something that where they could give so much back to Liberia or, or whatever. I didn't think of anything. Became American happy and did my thing. And when it came, and when I realized this, when I was older, looking back, I said, "Wow, I wasted a lot of time doing absolutely nothing for what my story deserves."
- MRMel Robbins
And I know the person listening either knows somebody like this-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... or they are that person. I used... I deserve bad things.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. That's what I thought.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow. How did you turn this around? Talk to the person that's with us and just share a little bit with like, what was the epiphany? What were like... How did you turn this around and go, "Wait a minute. I don't have to do life this way"?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah. I mean, it's... I was on Lookout Mountain in Georgia. Um, I was up there with some roommates and I had a... I was doing drugs, drinking like crazy. Um, couldn't pay my rent. Doing odd jobs and just tr- yeah, just not caring about anything. Everything that I had went to, to alcohol or... And I woke up one morning knowing that I wasn't gonna be able to make my rent, anything like this. I was borrowing money from all my dad's friends, pe- like people that he... they're like I was, I was texting them, "Can I have some money? I need it," you know, just to pay my rent, but it was always going back to other things.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And of course, I got back to him one day and he-He calls me up, my father, and he says, "Son, I, I want you to, you know, come to..." And he's... And he had asked me times before, and this brings me back to just speaking to that person. There are people in your life that have stayed-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... whether you see it or not, or wanna... or want to see it. There are those that have stayed, and they're the ones that have been there for you in the dark night, have whispered to you, "Don't say that about yourself. No, no you don't deserve that." And when you fall in love with your suffering is when you decide not to hear those people anymore.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And so, for some reason, I was at such a low point in my life, I remember... So, you know, I have nothing else. And so I took this hand that was extended from my father, and I'm... I left Tennessee. I said, "Dad, I have nothing else. I'll come. I don't know what this is gonna do. I don't... I, I, I don't know." So, I went to California and all I did was build this house with my father. Me and him, 'cause he was building a house in Dana Point, California. And some days he would leave and go to the church, and I would just be home by myself for hours, tearing down the house, break... you know, taking out the nails, breaking down walls and that alone time, i- i- it's, it's what healed me. I saw the correlation of the destruction of this home to rebuild something new.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And I thought, "Can I do the same thing to myself?" And it was just a powerful thing to me to be working with my hand... (laughs) to be working with my hands on this, this, this house and making it beautiful, at the same time working on inward things. And, um... But I would say to the listener, notice the hands that are extended toward, towards you at all times and, uh... 'Cause they're the ones that are gonna help you come out of that place. It's not... I don't think it's something you can really do alone, to be honest. Um, the need for each other is, is the only way I think the world continues. It's to know that you, we rely on each other, um, for moments such as that.
- MRMel Robbins
Talk to me about the name 'cause your name was Johnjay, is that right?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, that's my birth name.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. And so, you changed your name though to Monrovia, which is the capital of Liberia.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
When did that happen and why did you choose to do that?
- MRMon Rovîa
Happened after I went to California. Yeah, in the building process, music finds me again 'cause at this point... before that, I wasn't really doing much music. I was just trying to live and overcome.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
But when I got back to California, started to really dive into these things. I started to fall in love with music again, and writing the truth. And I remember I just said, "If anything came from this, it can't be about me anymore, at all." And I said, "I need to remember my people and where I'm from-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... to keep me on course, to keep me grounded." And so Monrovia was the choice name. It's a reminder to me of, of everything.
- MRMel Robbins
How long ago did you do that?
- MRMon Rovîa
That would be 2019.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- 46:30 – 50:30
Living With Survivor’s Guilt Without Letting It Define You
- MRMel Robbins
How do you process the survivor guilt?
- MRMon Rovîa
I, uh... I mean, shift... I've moved from a place of, of blame to a place of, I think, claiming this opportunity. Not that I have to owe anything to what I, what I, what I am doing.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And that, and that wasn't easy. But to understand that I get to instill good things to people. I get to, because of this rescue, bring more good into the world this way.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
Um, it's something I get to do. It's not that... And I don't keep it as... Uh, I think in the beginning of Monrovia, I looked at it as something of a penance to my people, but as time has gone on and I'm understanding more, everything that happened to me... Like, you know, it's almost like anti-fragility, I suppose, where these things in life that happen to you, you can choose to become stronger from them-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... you know? And so I think choosing that, choosing to accept the gift, that's what it was. It was a gift and, and it freed me when... once I, I could accept it. To be like, "This is, this is an experience that was chosen for me."
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And I don't know. I don't know if my sister had, you know, had... has music or my, uh, or my brother, right? And I will do everything I can with the gifts given now to shine light on my people, the history of ev- of, of, of them, of, you know, the Black Americans here, of people in different countries that are struggling with different things. I get to do that because of the gift that was given to me from that time.
- MRMel Robbins
I am blown away by that reframe, and I wanna make sure that we really highlight that because that was extraordinary. People have survivor's guilt over lots of different things.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, lots of different things. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, you can have survivor's guilt because you survived a car crash that a good friend didn't.
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
You can have survivor's guilt because...... your sibling was the person that was abused and you were not.
- MRMon Rovîa
Absolutely.
- MRMel Robbins
You can have survivor guilt for just endless reasons. And you just said you were able to move it from blame, like, you make yourself wrong for being the one that it didn't happen to-
- MRMon Rovîa
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... to claiming this. And really seeing the fact that this is a gift, and the way that you know that it's a gift goes back to something that you said, you're meant to be here. Is there anything else that you would say to the person who is really just kind of struggling with the guilt? You know, that kind of undeserving thing, which again, sounds like I love my suffering, so I'm just gonna... You know, there's periods of grief, of course, but then there comes that point where you're like, "Okay."
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, I think if you can change guilt to growth, (laughs) you know, and notice that there's always an opportunity for that anywhere you look. You c- don't have to... Uh, you know. It's- it's... And it's not a massive... It's not changing overnight. It's not... It's the little, tiny changes you could make-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... of something, whether it's, you know, "I (laughs) I drink this many, uh, uh, whatever beers a day," or, "I'm tak..." You know, maybe you- you take one less one day. Growth happens. And I think that overcomes a lot of guilt, is- is- is letting... I think, letting growth take its place and not sitting in guilt. I think you can always grow from it. And so, that's what I've done.
- 50:30 – 1:00:47
Accepting the Support You Keep Rejecting
- MRMon Rovîa
- MRMel Robbins
So, you've shared that music kind of was this space for you to heal (laughs) and journaling was the space for you to... When were you like, "You know what? I think I'm going to sing. I think I'm going to pick up a ukulele."
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
"And I think I'm going to start to write some songs."
- MRMon Rovîa
Oh.
- MRMel Robbins
Like, wh- when was that moment that you're like...
- MRMon Rovîa
Uh, with the ukulele, man, that was a long way a- away way. It's a long way. I... Before that I was... I mean, I guess I take it back to high school. I- I did play a little bit of guitar, like a very small bit.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- MRMon Rovîa
But I wrote more for my friends-
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- MRMon Rovîa
... back to... uh, in junior, senior year of high school. So, I already- I already knew that that gift of writing was there, um, but I never really wanted to be seen. I'm not someone that likes to be in the front of people. Uh-
- MRMel Robbins
You're a watcher.
- MRMon Rovîa
I'm a watcher. Yeah, and so-
- MRMel Robbins
Or so you say.
- MRMon Rovîa
And so I say. Yeah, I guess that's... (laughs) But I went to college and I did one... I did a- a musical event there called Mountain Fair at the school, Covenant College on Lookout Mountain, Tennessee. And, uh, I ended up winning People's Choice Award at this school. And still, I was like, "Nah, I'm not- I'm n- I'm n-... This is not for me, right?" And so, after I go to California after my things, I go to California. I'm starting to become Mon. Um, I pick up a ukulele because my parents got me this gift. It wasn't that... I didn't want to play the ukulele. I wanted a guitar.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. They're cheaper, though.
- MRMon Rovîa
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
A ukulele is cheaper.
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs) They're cheaper.
- MRMel Robbins
And plus-
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
... uh, having musicians in my family-
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
... if I buy you a guitar and you don't play it, I'm pissed.
- MRMon Rovîa
You don't play it... Yeah, exactly.
- MRMel Robbins
I spend 60 bucks on a ukulele, we're good.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, yeah. And there was an old guitar. This is whatever, but they gave me- they gave me a ukulele and I just started to write, find simple chords, and this is back in California. And I started just to write some songs. And now, this stuff wasn't going... I wasn't making this broad to people.
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-huh.
- MRMon Rovîa
I just played it f- a little bit. I moved back to Tennessee.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- 1:00:47 – 1:06:54
What Belonging Really Feels Like When You’ve Never Had It
- MRMel Robbins
And could you speak directly to the person listening who feels like, "I don't know who I am?" (laughs) "I don't know if I belong."And they're starting to, or wanting to or feel inspired to build their sense of identity, to claim the gift of it.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, if you stop now, you'll never know the groups of people that are waiting to bring you into that fold. That, or, you know, the lives that you're going to impact in this life on this journey. Um, if you had no one tell you this, I'm gonna repeat it again, but y- you're meant to be here, and it starts with you believing that every day, and then the world opens up-
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... and different things start to take form, and you're led to a place of belonging because you didn't stop believing that you were meant to be. And I think the belief portion is, is, uh, i- is the most important aspect, and so I believe that you're meant to be here, and I hope you continue. And that's... I wish people said that every day to each other, best friends, lovers, everybody. You need it, it's a, it's a, it needs to be a reminder. It's so easy to forget because of all the different hardships that life brings at you.
- MRMel Robbins
So, if the person listening takes just one thing from all of the wisdom, all of the lessons that you have distilled down as we've talked about your life, we've talked about the things that you're doing with your music, what would you hope that one takeaway would be?
- MRMon Rovîa
That your life is a gift, and for you to live in that freedom with your choices and, and, y- and, and in that, just a- you know, not be afraid to pour all the love you can into your ex- into the experience that you have, regardless of the hurt and pain that may come because of the giving of the, uh, because of the giving of it. Um, yeah, pour all the love you can into your, into this life that you have, because it's yours.
- MRMel Robbins
Do you have a song with that title?
- MRMon Rovîa
Needs... Oh, no, I don't. I should, huh?
- MRMel Robbins
I think you should.
- MRMon Rovîa
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I think you should.
- MRMon Rovîa
And also, you have your own... And, and, and I think about d- something 'cause you just brought up a song, a song, but those who are, you know, for my friends who are in that place of suffering or, like we talked about earlier, falling in love with that suffering-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
... the song, Crooked The Road, it, it used to be called Crooked the Road and the one Driving, that's what I called it because for a long time I, I blamed the road, and we all do that at some point. We, we, we find excuses to go, "It's because of how I was born," or, and a- again, these things still hold weight, but the one driving, you, you are the one that has autonomy. You can always choose a different path, a different way, and you sometimes you have to look at yourself on the road, on the journey, and realize, "I can take that other turn." My bandmate, Sam, he had this first hook to the song, just, "If you're leaving, know I'll stay behind, k- the telephone line," and that's what... And he brought that to the studio with us. And we were in Chicago, and we started talking about, you know, where this song could go. We loved the hook, the, the chorus was just so beautiful, that line of staying b- beside someone through everything.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
The song really is about leaving your suffering, 'cause I, I write the song about the place I'm at on Lookout Mountain, where I'm not noticing anybody or the hands, and that song says that. If I, if I, if, uh, if I grab it, know that I care, 'cause darkness doesn't look on, look good on you. Another thing we do is we don't want people to help because we, we fear our darkness going to them, them being engulfed by how much we c- we are.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
And so we push them away.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- MRMon Rovîa
Um, and so Crook of the Road is, uh, is, is about that, is about accepting help. Um, and the person standing by that telephone line are the people that we exactly talked about earlier, that, that want to see you better, that are, that are the helpers. Look to the helpers. We know this.
- MRMel Robbins
Mr. Rogers.
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, I know you're in Boston not only for the Mel Robbins podcast, but because you are one of the headliners at Boston Calling, massive concert this weekend.
- MRMon Rovîa
Can't wait.
- MRMel Robbins
Which I know means you also have your ukulele.
- MRMon Rovîa
I do, yes. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Would you play that song for us?
- MRMon Rovîa
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, gladly.
- MRMel Robbins
Let's get the ukulele. Let's do it.
- MRMon Rovîa
Sounds good.
- 1:06:54 – 1:13:13
Mon Rovîa Performs ‘crooked the road’ Live
- MRMon Rovîa
this song is called Crooked the Road, and it's about leaving your suffering behind and noticing, uh, those that wanna help.
Crooked the road. And the one driving. 25 years. I know you've been unraveling. Tell me, why did you run? Run past the dogs and the horses? Now, you find yourself here. Past the dues and don'ts of your choices. But if you're leaving. Know I'll stay beside that telephone line. And tomorrow, we might steal the sun from underneath our eyes. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Tennis courts when I was yours. Late night releasing sacred flaws. Got me believing a little more that this pain will run its course. In the morning, I saw you there, holding out your hand. If I grab it, know that I care 'cause darkness don't look good. But if you're leaving. Know I'll stay beside that telephone line. And tomorrow, we might steal the sun from underneath our eyes. Daybreak sorrow. But I still feel the edge of this cold night. But next to you, I lay softly on this hard ground. But next to you, I lay softly on this hard ground.
- MRMel Robbins
(applause) Woo!
- MRMon Rovîa
Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Yeah. All right. That's it.
- MRMel Robbins
Wow.
- MRMon Rovîa
Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
How did it feel to play that? Like, what's that like for you?
- MRMon Rovîa
Um...
- MRMel Robbins
Especially after sharing so much about your life and the meaning behind that song.
- MRMon Rovîa
It's nice, uh, after those conversations 'cause it just makes the... It keeps the stories, you know, I think meaningful to me, 'cause, uh, over time, I was always worrying about... I just don't want any of the songs and lyrics to never mean what they were to me when I wrote the song, 'cause you can play them so much at shows, you can- you get into a rhythm of just saying the same things or whatever. And so, that song means a lot to me, takes me right back. And, uh, thank you so much for letting me play it.
- MRMel Robbins
Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being here. I'm so proud of you. Congratulations on all of your success. I think you're at the very, very, very beginning of a massive, as you call it, art of continuing, and a beautiful career and a huge difference that you're gonna make. And I am just grateful that you accepted the gift of your life and that you're now sharing it with us. Thank you.
- MRMon Rovîa
Thank you.
- MRMel Robbins
And I also want to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to this, to watch this, to share this with people that you care about. And I wanted to be sure to tell you, in case no one else does, that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And there is no doubt in my mind that if you listen closely and truly take to heart everything that Monrovia shared with you today, that you are meant to be here, that there is a huge possibility for your life. Just keep on continuing on and you will figure out what that possibility is that is meant for you. (instrumental music) I truly believe that. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there. (instrumental music) And thank you for watching all the way to the end. Was that not extraordinary? I feel so inspired and moved. I know you do, too. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. Thank you for hitting subscribe 'cause that's one way you can support me as I'm supporting you. And I know you're like, "Mel, what do I watch next?" I want you to check out this video. You're gonna love it, and I'll be welcoming you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.
Episode duration: 1:13:13
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