This Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It | Mel Robbins Podcast

Mel Robbins 0:03 What do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?

Oakley 0:06 Ooh.

Mel Robbins 0:08 Here's another one. My sister wants to know if Oakley is single, and if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini. (laughs)

Oakley 0:16 Interesting.

Mel Robbins 0:17 What are, um, some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Will you walk us through it?

Oakley 0:21 I sit up straight.

Mel Robbins 0:22 Okay.

Oakley 0:24 All right, and then after the third breath, you close your eyes, and I actually invite you at home to join in if you want.

Mel Robbins 0:32 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Mel, and today I'm really excited because I'm not alone, I'm here with one of my favorite people, somebody that I love, our 18-year-old son, Oakley.

Oakley 0:48 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 0:49 (laughs)

Oakley 0:49 It's me, guys. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 0:52 Um, uh, you know, I'm laughing 'cause I know that we're gonna have a lot of fun, and I'm also excited because our audience loves you.

Oakley 1:01 And I love you guys.

Mel Robbins 1:03 And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I just want to take a minute and welcome you, and also explain a little bit of background. Oakley is our 18-year-old son, he is the youngest of three, he's a senior in high school, and he-

Oakley 1:17 Just applied to college, it was great.

Mel Robbins 1:19 Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

Oakley 1:20 Finished my applications, like, I've done what I need to do, like, it's- it's great.

Mel Robbins 1:24 Congratulations on getting all of that done. In case you're new, every time Oakley has been on the podcast,

Mel Robbins 1:32 we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed to Oakley from listeners around the world, and the thing that's always really kind of surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages. So in this stack of questions, I've got questions from high schoolers, from kids in college, from parents, from school counselors, from therapists, to grandparents, to just people that are reflecting on their own childhood, and I can't wait to dig into this. And the truth is, Oak, I do have to say, you've really cracked the code on so many things that I struggled with for, like, 50 years. Like, when I think about anxiety, confidence-

Oakley 2:18 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 2:19 Where you are at the age of 18 versus where I was at 18, I mean, I was like, in peak Mel Schneeberger dysfunction.

Oakley 2:31 First of all, I have lived through getting bullied, like many, uh, anxiety, dyslexia, troubles in school, troubles in life. And, um, also, I- I tend to spend a good amount of time alone. Love to hang out with people, but I also like to spend some time alone, and I- I just think a lot. Like, I- I feel like I'm always thinking about what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling, and stuff like that. 'Cause when you're alone, like, what else is there to think about?

Mel Robbins 2:58 That's a good point. Who are you? I- I- I feel like you are, (laughs) like, I, have, I feel almost like you're the kind of person, you know how people say you're an old soul?

Oakley 3:08 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 3:09 I feel at times like I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be 100 years who came back as you.

Oakley 3:16 That would be kind of cool.

Mel Robbins 3:17 Well, you know what else is going to be cool, is going through all these questions, because we have about 17 topics to get through. And before we jump in, I just want to take a moment and, uh, acknowledge you for a second. First of all, thank you for being here, because I know that every single time you tune in and listen to the Mel Robbins Podcast, you're taking time for yourself, and you're listening to this because you know that it can help you improve your life, and I think that's pretty cool. You're my kind of person, so thank you. Thank you for being here.

Oakley 3:48 Yeah, thanks guys. It's awesome.

Mel Robbins 3:49 Okay, so you ready?

Oakley 3:52 Of course.

Mel Robbins 3:52 All right, let's jump in. The first question, this one from a 17-year-old Oak: Oakley, I'm 17 years old, and I just want to know, how do I ensure a stress-free college search? And before you jump into this, because I know you're going to talk about the pressure, I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something and you don't know how to manage it. Whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you

Mel Robbins 4:29 thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you are not dating anybody and you really want to find the one and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you want to find your purpose and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life and so you start to get stressed about the process. And so as you listen to us unpack this, 'cause I don't know what you're going to talk about, Oak, um, listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about, and now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing, though, because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age, so it must amplify it. So where do you want to start with this?

Oakley 5:11 Yeah, I think if we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, uh, stress is a natural part of life, so you will never live a life that is, uh, stress-free. You will always feel stress with things like the college process, uh, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that. Everything- everything can involve stress. Um, and I think first accepting that in life you'll feel stressed is super important, and not resisting the stress, uh, when it comes is important. And with the college process in particular, I know that's super stressful, and honestly, I think it's supposed to be stressful.

Mel Robbins 5:48 Why?

Oakley 5:49 'Cause, you know, you- you look at these colleges, and you look at, oh, the acceptance rate, oh my God, it's like 13%, and oh my God, 10,000 kids are doing this, and oh my God, like, I have to write one essay, and everything relies on this one essay, and they know nothing about me, but I really want to get into this school. It's- it's really stressful, and, like, this isn't going to get me into college, and so I delete it, and then I write another one, and I'm like, "This isn't good enough, this isn't going to get me into college." And I think for me, and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just, like...... step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath and just stop, and, like, take your time, 'cause you are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique. And something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again, is that no matter where you end up, like, it won't predict your life. If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to not get the job you want or live in the place you want to live. And nine times out of 10 that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet, and if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it into another one. Um, but it's, it's important to not let the, it's, it's, it's important to not have a mindset of, "My whole life depends on this."

Mel Robbins 7:09 What if it feels like it does? Like, how do you, how do you gain perspective when you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it, and every time you're with adults you're like, "So where are you applying to school?" And "Where are you going-"

Oakley 7:20 It really is an everyday conversation everywhere. It's a pain. I think, like, it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say. Just while you are worried about the college process, if you spend the rest, the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable.

Mel Robbins 7:43 Oak, I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that the way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now, and I know that that's hard to do. It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges, it's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything. If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job. If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids, same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money, uh, and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere, and you start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you. And the real advice here that is so true, because you can get yourself worked up about anything, is learning how to appreciate where you are right now.

Oakley 8:37 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 8:37 You said something the other day that I think is really important.

Oakley 8:41 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 8:41 Which is, I wanted to ask you something about that essay.

Oakley 8:46 Yep.

Mel Robbins 8:47 And you said, "Mom,

Mel Robbins 8:51 I have to hear about this all day long at school. I do not want to talk about this with you right now." I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary, and the one place you don't want to talk about it is at home. And this is really important, because boundaries are something that are your responsibility, and you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it, and you just basically said, "I don't want to talk about this with you, because I'm getting it all day long," and I would not have known that otherwise. And this is very important for you listening too. Like, you can say to your family members, "I don't want to talk about whether, whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job. My weight is not up for discussion. Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody." And so you did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you, and that's exactly what this person, this listener that's writing in should do with their, with their parents. Like, express that boundary.

Oakley 9:54 Yeah, setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific-

Mel Robbins 9:58 Uh-oh.

Oakley 9:58 ... uh, about the college process just to help some people. No, this is good.

Mel Robbins 10:01 Okay.

Oakley 10:01 This is a good thing.

Mel Robbins 10:02 Okay, okay.

Oakley 10:02 I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to, like, help some people out. If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or, like, end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college, and so that is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it, because it is all-consuming. Like, until they've hit the submit button, it's all they'll think about. It's all they'll care about, and it's the last thing they ever want to talk about, 'cause it's always on their mind and it's annoying. So give them some space from time to time. Don't always talk about it.

Mel Robbins 10:37 You're right, Oak. Don't bring it up, uh, because you know that they feel pressure about it, and this advice, it goes for anything that anyone in your life is under pressure about. Like, I can give you a couple examples. Let's say your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby. You don't need to ask about it, 'cause guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wondering. They wake up every day, and the last thing that they need is you bringing up, "How's it going?" And I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind, because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet, and she never had kids of her own. And you want to know what? It kills her. Like, if there was one thing that she could change, it would have been that she had had kids of her own. And so when her mom occasionally is like, "You know, it just breaks my heart that you never had children. You would have been the best mother," my friend's literally like, "You don't think I wish I would have been? Like, why the hell are you bringing this up? Like, talk to your therapist about that. Don't lay that on me." And so I do think this is really important. If somebody that you love cares about something, the job search, the search for a house, you don't need to bring it up, okay? If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you. Just give them space, show them you love them, and show them that you care about them, and do it in other ways. Great advice, Oak. Here's another question. "Uh, we're going through a divorce, and I'm worried about our kids."

Oakley 12:08 Hmm. Um, you don't have to give them a reason. Like, you don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce, but I would be honest with

Oakley 12:18 them. "We're unhappy, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it is not your fault." Make sure you reinstate that. That's huge, um, because...Plenty of kids worry that it is their fault. But also, take their needs into account. And like, if they wanna... Like, just, like, take their suggestions and their needs into account. So like, if they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, like, if they want to go somewhere, like, you should let them. Like, you shouldn't be like, "No, you can't." Like, "You can't go anywhere. You have to be with me right now." Like, all this kind of stuff. Just, they are people too. They're living their own lives. You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They are just in, they're in just as much pain 'cause they're watching their two parents separate. So, just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving.

Mel Robbins 13:09 And they need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.

Oakley 13:13 Yeah, 100%. Do not talk about your spouse with them. Don't be like, "Oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing," or stuff like that. Do not. They don't need to hear it.

Mel Robbins 13:24 Okay, so Oak, here's another question from a listener, and she writes, "My daughter wants me to step back a little bit," and I would love to hear from Oakley and from you, Mel, what kind of boundaries do you guys have as a mother and a son?

Oakley 13:39 I mean, I think that's, that's depending on, like, how overbearing you are, but let me think about our relationship. Like, I feel like I tell you everything whenever there is something, or if you ask, I'm just like, "Yeah." Like, I've, I, I never feel like I have to keep things from you. Not that I'm, like, coming to you and telling you everything, but like, I never feel like I have to keep something from you.

Mel Robbins 14:03 Well, that makes me feel great, that you feel like you don't have to keep something from me, Oak. If you need something, you can talk to me about it, so thank you for sharing that with me. And in terms of boundaries that I have as a mom, um, there are really kind of two categories of the boundaries. The first one is the boundaries that I establish that help keep the communication open and that create a trusting and respectful relationship between us, and the second set of boundaries are around keeping you safe. And so, let me talk about the first one, which is

Mel Robbins 14:38 this boundary of respect and open communication, and to that end, I really try hard to let you, Oakley, be your own person.

Oakley 14:48 I like that. I like that one.

Mel Robbins 14:50 You know, that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to control him. I need to guide him. You, you said on another podcast you were on that a parent should be like a coach, not somebody who's in control, and I often have to remind myself of that. Um, the second thing is your personal space. When I walk in your room, my skin crawls.

Oakley 15:17 (laughs) It's not that bad.

Mel Robbins 15:20 Well-

Oakley 15:21 It's not that bad.

Mel Robbins 15:21 You know, I, I, I see the clothes everywhere.

Oakley 15:26 I think you're, you're painting me in a bad... Let me explain my room.

Mel Robbins 15:29 Okay, your room i- and, and, you know, here's the thing, like, it's his space. When we start to cross the line between it being dirty or there's dishes stacking up, I drop the hammer.

Oakley 15:39 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 15:40 But-

Oakley 15:41 Which is rare.

Mel Robbins 15:42 Yep.

Oakley 15:42 I also, like, have, I feel like I'm, my shower schedule is pretty concrete. It's, like, in the morning and then right before I go to bed, so...

Mel Robbins 15:50 You take two showers a day?

Oakley 15:51 Every day.

Mel Robbins 15:52 You do?

Oakley 15:53 Yes. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 15:53 Why?

Oakley 15:54 Well, so the night is when I, like, use soap and everything-

Mel Robbins 16:00 Yep.

Oakley 16:00 ...and, like, clean myself.

Mel Robbins 16:01 (laughs)

Oakley 16:01 And then the morning is 'cause my hair's really, like, thick and curly.

Mel Robbins 16:06 Yep.

Oakley 16:07 And so when I sleep, it's like, it's literally like this.

Mel Robbins 16:10 Like a helmet.

Oakley 16:10 It's like a helmet when I wake up, and the only way to fix it is just to, like, reset it by getting it wet.

Mel Robbins 16:15 Oh.

Oakley 16:15 So I just j- I literally jump in the shower for, like, 30 seconds.

Mel Robbins 16:18 Oh.

Oakley 16:18 And it just, it also wakes me up. Like, it's, it's a win-win.

Mel Robbins 16:21 I also notice you journal a lot.

Oakley 16:23 I do, every morning, you know, I, I wake up. It's like, I like-

Mel Robbins 16:26 Wait, every morning?

Oakley 16:27 Yeah, I wake up. I get my morning routine done, which is shower and get out the door. (laughs)

Mel Robbins 16:33 (laughs)

Oakley 16:33 Like, and like, actively avoid you.

Mel Robbins 16:35 (laughs) What?

Oakley 16:35 And then get in the car, get to school, and then I like to get to school, like, 20 minutes before it starts, and I just sit in the car and I journal about the previous day. Or if I didn't journal, like, the day before, then the two days before. Like, it's, it's a process.

Mel Robbins 16:49 I just learned something about you.

Oakley 16:51 Hmm?

Mel Robbins 16:51 I had no idea that you journal every single day.

Oakley 16:54 It's great. Love to journal. Even for five minutes, like, writing anything down, it's, it's amazing.

Mel Robbins 17:00 When did you start that?

Oakley 17:02 Last year maybe?

Mel Robbins 17:05 You've been doing this for a year?

Oakley 17:07 Yeah. Yeah. (laughs) I would never show you my journal. That's all I'm gonna say.

Mel Robbins 17:16 See, that's an example, Oak, of a specific boundary that you have with me, and you would never show me your journal. That's your boundary. And because I'm trying hard not to control you, remember my value is I want to keep the communication open. I want to make sure you feel respected. I'm trying to respect you and the privacy that you have, and even, like, kind of the fact that it's your room, and even though I really want to hunt down your journal and crack it open and read it, (laughs) I'm not gonna lie about that, I am going to respect your boundary, that this is your privacy. Okay, great. Um, other boundaries that I have with, with him are, um, around just safety.

Oakley 17:59 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 18:00 That sort of stuff.

Oakley 18:00 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 18:01 Um, and then the final thing is I don't talk to Oak about Chris-

Oakley 18:07 Mm-mm.

Mel Robbins 18:07 ...or my marriage.

Oakley 18:08 Mm-mm.

Mel Robbins 18:09 Or what's going on in my friends' lives.

Oakley 18:13 Hm-mm. Yeah, I'd agree with that.

Mel Robbins 18:15 Okay, great. Anything else you'd add?

Oakley 18:17 No, I'd say that, that covers all the bases, except my room is pretty clean most of the time.

Mel Robbins 18:22 So the next question is from

Mel Robbins 18:24 a listener who writes, "How did your parents talk about alcohol use with you? Do they allow it? Did they ground you? How did they handle it?"You can speak freely, Oak.

Oakley 18:34 (laughs) Um, well, I think from a young age, you were more practicing safe ways of using it, healthy ways of using it, like a glass of wine at dinner, or, like, a little bit of a drink at, like, a party or something. Um, before any parties or anything really happened, you would talk to the three of us kids and always tell us that if we do go out and do something, 'cause we're teenagers and stuff happens and kids do stuff, and if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, "Oh, that's bad," well, you did it too, so that's okay. Um, you always said that if we're ever gonna do anything, before we do it at a party or somewhere else, you want us to do it with you.

Mel Robbins 19:15 Yes.

Oakley 19:15 So that it's like, it's, we're in a safe environment, we're with people we care about, you can take care of us, and it's all safe. No drinking and driving, that's your number one rule.

Mel Robbins 19:25 That's my number one rule. And what's the rule to, about if you're gonna be at a party where you are drinking? What do you have to do?

Oakley 19:33 Either have a driver who my mom trusts, or, uh, stay at the party, or, final option, call Mom or Dad and ask for a ride.

Mel Robbins 19:44 And what do we do if you tell us where you are and drinking is involved and the police show up or something happens? Like, do we ground you?

Oakley 19:54 No.

Mel Robbins 19:54 Why?

Oakley 19:55 You ask me to call you, and, well, you don't ground me because, again, it's a natural part of life, like, it's experimentation, everybody experiments. And also, wait, why don't... 'Cause we're getting punished enough by the cops? Like, I feel like that's...

Mel Robbins 20:09 That's a great question, Oak. I'll tell you why. Because here's how I've chosen to handle this issue with your dad. Because this is a deeply personal issue in terms of how you decide you're going to talk about it with your kids, and so for us, we took the time to figure out what do we value here? Because number one, every kid is going to experiment.

Oakley 20:34 Every kid.

Mel Robbins 20:34 Just assume they're going to experiment. And number two, if you assume that they're going to experiment and you can't stop that from happening, what is it that you value most? And for me, what I valued most was open communication, trust, and safety. And so, I took the focus off trying to control something I couldn't control, which was whether or not you drink, and I put all of my attention on how do I navigate this as a parent through my highest value? Which is creating trust with you, creating open communication with you, and keeping you safe. And safe means not only, uh, no driving. Safe also means your use of it. Like, not being one of these kids who is, so they binge drink like crazy because they have to sneak it, and so they just chug the... 'Cause we saw this over and over and over with kids whose parents punished them when they drank or banned the alcohol or pretended it didn't happen. It created a lack of trust, it created sneakiness, it created lying, all of which led to very dangerous behavior. And so for me, I don't know whether it's the right call or the wrong call. It has been a very smart and successful call for us because it's aligned with our values and so that's why. Now, if you lied to us, I'd punish you.

Oakley 22:01 Yeah, yeah, I would get punished if I lied.

Mel Robbins 22:02 Yes. If I ever found out that you got in a car with somebody who was drinking or you yourself got behind the wheel-

Oakley 22:08 I would...

Mel Robbins 22:08 ... you would lose the right to drive for a year.

Oakley 22:11 Yeah. (laughs) That is, that is true.

Mel Robbins 22:11 And that's no joke because we live in a rural area, and I had a friend die in high school because of drinking and driving. And so, that's why my values are that. And so, I just feel like that's the formula for anything that you're navigating, whether it is sex or it is alcohol or it's drugs or it's anything. Like, figure out what you value most and be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't control. Because if you don't understand that, if you literally... If I were to ban you and say, "You're not allowed to drink. Can't drink till you're 21," it just makes you want it more. And it also makes you go, "I'm not telling you what I'm doing." And so, that's how we handled it, and that's why I don't punish you when you do what you say you're going to do and when you stay where you're supposed to stay and when you don't drive.

Oakley 23:04 Valid. It's true.

Mel Robbins 23:06 Alrighty. Ooh, Oakley. This next question is about breaking up, and it's from a listener who's a young adult like you, and they specifically wanted your take on this topic. And I think that's an important note to highlight for you listening because I can give all the advice in the world, but I'm 55, and sometimes you want to hear from somebody your age. And as an 18-year-old, Oakley, you probably understand what they're going through, and I know that there have been numerous times where your sisters have told me, "Mom, your advice is irrelevant because you are so far away from the age and the issues that I'm dealing with, and so I want advice from somebody my age." And so, Oakley, that's what this listener is asking for, your advice on this topic. So here's the question: Oak, how do I know when it's time to break up with somebody?

Oakley 23:59 Hmm. That's a good question.

Oakley 24:03 I think... Here's what I'm going to say. And I'll, I'll expand upon this, of course.

Mel Robbins 24:09 Okay.

Oakley 24:09 But like, when, like, you know. When it's time to break up with somebody, you know. Like, you will always know what you want deep down, and like nine times out of ten, what's holding you back is your worry about their feelings and hurting them. But in a relationship, uh, you do take the other, the other person's feelings into account. But when it comes to things like breakups, you should be taking what will make you...... feel the best into account.

Mel Robbins 24:35 But what if you're terrified about hurting this person, and you know they're going to cry, and you just don't want to deal with it, you're going to see them at school and-

Oakley 24:42 I mean that's, that's like, that's like a given. Like, if you are not happy anymore in this relationship, you... I can promise you, you will be more happy out of it. And yes, there will be those times where maybe you see them, and maybe it's a little awkward, or they cry and it's a little sad, but that's a moment in time that might last like an hour, instead of you spending the rest of your time with somebody that you aren't currently happy with.

Mel Robbins 25:06 I noticed something about you, maybe this is too much information, that you don't like the random hookup.

Oakley 25:13 No.

Mel Robbins 25:13 Why?

Oakley 25:14 No, I don't. I... Like, this is... I mean it, this is a me thing, but when... If I'm going to... If I... Like, I want to know the person, I want to like care about them, I want to feel like there's something there, um, I want to see like something with them to just like... 'Cause I don't see a point in just like hooking up with somebody to hook up with somebody. Um, I just, I feel like it's kind of just like tacky and dumb. But if you do it, like you do it, and that's totally fine, and I'm not going to say you're wrong, but for me, I feel like I want to know them and care about them and respect them, 'cause it also just makes it feel more special and enjoyable when you're actually with them.

Mel Robbins 25:58 Is it possible to be friends with

Mel Robbins 26:00 your ex?

Oakley 26:01 Yeah, I would say.

Mel Robbins 26:03 How?

Oakley 26:05 You know, the best way is that in the beginning, you need space.

Mel Robbins 26:11 Mm-hmm.

Oakley 26:11 Like, you can't be talking to them after, there can be no, like, hookups afterwards, you can't get back together and try and hook up, um, you shouldn't be calling them while you're drunk or anything like that. And you need to understand that it takes time, and that you also will not have the same relationship you had when you were dating. But you can still be friends, you can still, you can still hang out from time to time. But, um, it's important to know that it won't be the exact same and that it may be a little awkward from time to time.

Mel Robbins 26:46 Um, how... This is somebody who's going into college, they want to know, "How can I stay in touch with or support my younger sibling as I'm sh- as we're shifting into like adult sibling relationships?" Like...

Oakley 27:01 Right.

Oakley 27:02 Uh, for me and my sisters, honestly, like we... I wouldn't say we talked that much. Like, we were... we talked every now and then, maybe like twice a month, but-

Mel Robbins 27:13 So it's six and five years difference.

Oakley 27:15 Mm-hmm. We're... We were just living like our lives, like we were in school, and that takes up our priority, and there's a lot going on, but I think just like reaching out to your younger sibling and be like, "Hey, if you ever need to talk, I am here. I'm always going to be here, even if I'm not in the house." Um, that's huge, that's really big. Uh, even if you guys aren't talking every day, which you don't need to be, but I just recommend you definitely say like, "I'm here to talk whenever you need, like I'm always here for you. I went through high school, like let me know what's going on." Um, yeah.

Mel Robbins 27:49 One thing that's made a big difference for me is we started a family group chat. Like, we light it up all day long.

Oakley 27:56 Yeah, we do light everything (laughs) up all day long with like photos, and... Having a big family group chat is great 'cause like for me, I don't really communicate that often, like I'm a horrible texter.

Mel Robbins 28:06 Yeah.

Oakley 28:06 I'm horrible at it. (laughs) And so having the group chat where it's just like, mom's like, "How is everybody?" And then like, Kendall's like, "Oh, I'm great." And Sword's like, "Oh, I'm awesome. Here's a photo of where I am right now." And then I'm like, "Oh, everyone's like chilling out, like they're all great." Then I'm like, "Cool." Like, I feel great.

Mel Robbins 28:19 It makes us feel-

Oakley 28:20 Connected.

Mel Robbins 28:20 ... very connected, and you can pop in, you can pop out. We celebrate each other.

Oakley 28:25 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 28:25 We do roll call occasionally.

Oakley 28:27 Yup. Yup.

Mel Robbins 28:27 We share funny memes. (laughs)

Oakley 28:29 A family group chat for anything that you want to talk about is just such a great way to feel connected, just 'cause you don't feel like you have to have like a serious conversation, like you can send one-word things. Just like, so many times people will text just like, "Miss you guys," and then it's just something cute like that, or other times someone will send a photo and it's like, "This is so mom," or something, and it's like, just like fun stuff like that, which makes you have fun and feel connected and things like that.

Mel Robbins 28:54 Awesome.

Oakley 28:55 Awesome.

Mel Robbins 28:56 All right, next question. Oakley. "What do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?"

Oakley 29:01 Ooh. Um, I think it's important to have a conversation with your parents about, uh, what you feel, and it's important to communicate how you feel, uh, all the time. And so if you feel like your parents are playing favorites, you shouldn't play the blame game, of course. As a parent, what would you be most open to hearing if I was like, "I feel like you're picking favorites"?

Mel Robbins 29:24 I would say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What am I doing that makes you feel that way?"

Oakley 29:29 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 29:29 "And how can I change?"

Oakley 29:30 If you're going to go into that conversation with your parents, 'cause that's a pretty serious conversation, I think that you should definitely, um, have a few examples in mind, a few scenarios.

Mel Robbins 29:42 I think it's great coaching to say, "Come in with specific examples and focus on how it made you feel."

Oakley 29:48 Yeah, for sure.

Mel Robbins 29:48 Because if you tell your parents they're playing favorites, they'll get defensive. If you say, "Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm not important."

Oakley 29:56 Yeah, that's... Yeah.

Mel Robbins 29:56 And then you give the examples.

Oakley 29:59 List a few examples.

Mel Robbins 29:59 Then they'll be more open to it. Here's another question, Oak. This time, it's from a parent and it's directed at you because they have a question about their 15-year-old. "Oakley, my 15-year-old is always in her room. Do I just let her be? I'm scared for our relationship and I don't know what to do."

Oakley 30:19 Hmm. Well, I'm guessing she's always in her room because she is probably on her phone.

Mel Robbins 30:26 Oh.

Oakley 30:27 Oh, yeah. Uh-

Mel Robbins 30:28 Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?

Oakley 30:31 I mean, most likely, yeah.

Mel Robbins 30:32 Okay, so she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.

Oakley 30:36 Mm-hmm.Honestly, since I'm, like, a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or, like, talking to my friends on the phone. But yeah.

Mel Robbins 30:44 So, she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone.

Oakley 30:48 Yes.

Mel Robbins 30:49 Okay. So, what do you do about that?

Oakley 30:51 She's 15, so her whole world is her friends.

Mel Robbins 30:55 Um, when do you think somebody should be alarmed that their teen is spending a ton of time alone in their room? Like, what would be-

Oakley 31:07 I think it's, like, if you don't see them, like, they come home from school and they just don't leave their room. Um, that's when it is alarming. Yeah.

Mel Robbins 31:14 And do you have a good lead-in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.

Oakley 31:20 I'd just be like, "Hey, like, I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently and I'm just kinda curious as to what's happening," you know?

Mel Robbins 31:29 "Nothing."

Oakley 31:30 (laughs) And then I would say... (slurps) I wanna respond with "nothing." That's a great... Like, I use that line all the-

Mel Robbins 31:37 No shit, you do.

Oakley 31:38 (laughing) I use that line all the time.

Mel Robbins 31:39 I have, I have an in.

Oakley 31:40 Okay, what's your in?

Mel Robbins 31:41 "You don't seem like yourself."

Oakley 31:43 Yeah, that's good.

Mel Robbins 31:45 (laughs)

Oakley 31:46 That's... (laughs) That'll get 'em.

Mel Robbins 31:47 (laughs)

Oakley 31:47 That'll get 'em. 'Cause if there is something wrong, then they'll be like, "You're right."

Mel Robbins 31:51 (laughs)

Oakley 31:51 "There is something wrong." Yeah. That, that, that gets 'em.

Mel Robbins 31:56 Okay. And even if they don't answer right away, it sort of marinates.

Oakley 31:59 And then they'll be like, "They know." I think a big thing you could do is probably have, like, a family dinner, designated time where everybody has to come together. Um, I think there's also the fact that she's getting older, however, and so you don't want to step on her coattails too much. Like, you wanna give her a little bit of freedom. But I would just, in a, like, polite way, I would just have her, like, have a mandatory dinner. Like, it's an hour and a half every night. That's when you guys can get together and talk.

Mel Robbins 32:27 So, don't worry about the fact that she's in her room on her phone.

Oakley 32:30 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 32:30 Is there any kind of thing to do at dinner that opens up conversation?

Oakley 32:34 Yeah. We, we play a game called high and low, which is in the title. You share your high of the day and your low of the day, and you just go around and you say your high and low, and that, that usually opens up conversation pretty well for us.

Mel Robbins 32:48 Yeah, it really does.

Oakley 32:49 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 32:51 Okay. Um, "What amount of gaming is normal? My son is 17, like Oakley, and is, I think, playing too much games."

Oakley 33:02 Yeah, I think I definitely used to have a problem with gaming too much.

Mel Robbins 33:05 Really?

Oakley 33:06 When I was younger, yeah, for sure. Just 'cause... W- Well, the thing with guys is that it's super common for a girl to jump on the phone and talk to her best friend for three hours.

Mel Robbins 33:18 Yep.

Oakley 33:19 And that's not frowned upon, which is totally fine. Um, but for a guy, like, guys don't really do that. But what they do do is they jump on, like, their Xbox or their console or their computer and they game for three hours. And the guy thinks of it as the equivalent of, like, talking to their friend on the phone for three hours, but instead of, um, just, like, talking, they're, like, doing something in front of them as well.

Mel Robbins 33:43 You know, Dad and I used to fight about this all the time.

Oakley 33:45 I do, yeah.

Mel Robbins 33:46 Because he would be so upset that you were spending hours on, like, whatever video game. I'd be like, "Dude, he's not alone. Like, he's hanging out with his friends, they're on their headsets, they're talking to each other while they're playing."

Oakley 33:59 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 33:59 "This is, this is a play date."

Oakley 34:01 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 34:02 And it wasn't until he started to understand that this is the equivalent, for you anyway, of throwing the ball around, kicking the soccer ball around-

Oakley 34:11 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 34:11 ...and also, the thing about gaming is most kids that play, that are gaming, they also do it 'cause they're good at it.

Oakley 34:17 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 34:17 And it's one thing they're good at.

Oakley 34:19 Yeah. It is. That's what's, like, kinda nice about it 'cause, like, you can be good at it, it's easy to get good at it, and, like, your friends are into it. And when you're young and you don't have a car and you can't go out and hang out with them and you don't wanna ask your parents, it's just so easy to turn it on and start talking to them and doing something else.

Mel Robbins 34:33 Reel it in.

Oakley 34:33 But I'm saying, like, an hour or two a weekend if it's, like, three, four, like, they're just talking to their friends. Like, they're just trying to connect with people because they can't go anywhere else right now. And so, I wouldn't worry too much. Um, but again, if it's, like, their whole life and they're just doing it 9:00 to 5:00, like, I would say, "You should consider doing other things."

Mel Robbins 34:52 Um, here's another one. "My sister wants to know if Oakley is single and if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini." (laughs)

Oakley 35:01 Interesting. Um, yeah. I am single right now, and I am a Pisces.

Mel Robbins 35:07 Nice.

Oakley 35:07 Born in March.

Mel Robbins 35:08 Born in March. Okay. Um, you looking for a relationship?

Oakley 35:13 I don't need to talk about that. (laughs) I don't-

Mel Robbins 35:14 (laughs) Like...

Oakley 35:14 I don't need to talk about that here. But, you know, I'm just, I'm just playing it by ear. I'm just letting whatever happens, happen.

Mel Robbins 35:22 Okay.

Oakley 35:22 And that's kinda s-

Mel Robbins 35:23 You're a very confident guy.

Oakley 35:25 I have... Yeah. Um, I feel like for most people, they're quite confident until they get to, like, middle school when people are starting to be like, "Oh, my God.

Oakley 35:35 Like, I hate myself because, like, for some reason." Um...

Mel Robbins 35:40 I think it's puberty. I think your body starts-

Oakley 35:42 It is puberty.

Mel Robbins 35:42 ...to change-

Oakley 35:43 It's definitely puberty.

Mel Robbins 35:43 ...and you lose control over it.

Oakley 35:45 Yeah. Yeah. And it's also just, like, how everybody starts to talk about each other rather than, like, other things. 'Cause in elementary school, you guy- you guys were just talking about who knows what, honestly. I don't know what's going on.

Mel Robbins 35:56 LEGOS.

Oakley 35:56 Yeah, LEGOs, like, toys, uh-

Mel Robbins 35:58 Stuff you're collecting.

Oakley 35:59 ...ponies, horses. Like-

Mel Robbins 36:00 (laughs)

Oakley 36:00 ...something, something random is going on in elementary school. But once you get to middle school and you realize that everybody's starting to talk about each other, then you start to be like, "Oh, my goodness. Like, I'm feeling a little self-conscious." Um, I think it's super important to-

Mel Robbins 36:14 You went through the stage where you were self-conscious.

Oakley 36:16 Of course. I did, yeah.

Mel Robbins 36:18 How did you go from a kid who was worried about his boobs-

Oakley 36:21 Oh, my God. My moobs. My man boobs. Um, I mean, one thing, time heals all, for sure.

Mel Robbins 36:30 Yep.

Oakley 36:30 But also, just understanding that everybody's going through the same exact thing that you are. Like, you may look at your, uh, feet, I guess, and not like the way your feet look while other people are, like, looking at their forehead. And-It's, they're never looking at you. You're the only one looking at yourself. So-

Mel Robbins 36:52 How do you tap into it though? Was it community theater? Was it-

Oakley 36:57 Theater's a good way, it's such a good way to become more confident, 'cause you just, you just have to get over, like, being shy and not wanting to express yourself. So, theater's a great way. Not saying that you should force your kids to do theater, but, um, theater's a really good way to get more confidence. Um, also just, like, being with the right people-

Mel Robbins 37:17 Mm.

Oakley 37:18 ... is super big. 'Cause if you're with a bunch of people that are hyping you up all the time, you're gonna feel pretty hyped up all the time, (laughs) rather than, like, negative about yourself.

Mel Robbins 37:26 Or chasing people that you think will make you cool-

Oakley 37:29 Yeah, that's not-

Mel Robbins 37:29 ... actually makes you feel insecure.

Oakley 37:31 Yeah, that'll 100% make you insecure. If you're trying to achieve a certain image to be with a certain group of people, that's never gonna work out for you. I can promise you that.

Mel Robbins 37:38 So, seek out people-

Oakley 37:41 That hype you up, yeah, like-

Mel Robbins 37:41 ... that allow, that hype you up, that make you feel good when you're around them.

Oakley 37:45 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 37:46 Maybe push yourself to do theater or try some clubs that-

Oakley 37:49 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 37:49 ... force you to come out of your shell.

Oakley 37:51 Try, like, drama club or, like, um, debate club or something like that, just like something that brings you out of your comfort zone. And if you don't like it, like, leave the club. It's all good. So, for example, uh, today is Halloween, spooky season. And I had this duo costume planned with one of my friends, peanut butter and jelly. It's really bulky, it makes you look really weird. And we're talking on the phone before school starts and I'm like, "Are you gonna w- bring your costume? Are you gonna wear it?" And he was like, "You know, probably not." And I, I was like, "You know what? Like, if you're not gonna bring it, I don't really wanna wear it. Like, I'm not gonna do it." So, I get to school and I'm not really wearing it in the beginning. And then I'm looking around at all these costumes and I'm loving them. Like, I like the stuff that people are wearing. And I'm like, "You know what? I'm just gonna go for it. Like, I'm gonna put it on. I'm gonna wear it." (laughs) And so, for the rest of the day, I was walking around in a piece of toast with jelly on it costume. And everyone was like, "Where's the, where's the peanut butter?" And I was like, (laughs) "It's just me. Like, it's just the jelly." And that was super fun 'cause a bunch of people loved it. Um, I loved it. Like, I was having fun with it. And at first, I felt like it was something where I'd get judged for doing it. And then I realized that, you know, you only live once, which is super corny, but it's like, if you never do it, then you're just gonna regret it. So, I just went for it and I ended up having so much fun with it.

Mel Robbins 39:09 And you know what else? When you hold yourself back from trying something like that, you're the one judging yourself.

Oakley 39:15 Mm-hmm, yeah.

Mel Robbins 39:15 And so simply going, "I'm gonna go for it. I'm gonna try this thing I've never done," it does give you a boost of confidence because you stop judging yourself the moment you put it on.

Oakley 39:24 Yeah, the moment I put it on, I was like, "All right, this is sick." (laughs)

Mel Robbins 39:27 Let's go. What I love about that, Oakley, is you cannot get confident by just sitting on the couch and thinking about it.

Oakley 39:35 Mm-mm.

Mel Robbins 39:35 You have to take action. And whether you're talking about signing up for drama class so that you'll push yourself out of your comfort zone-

Oakley 39:43 I can give you another example of doing something new in your life, uh, how that builds confidence. Take Dad, for example.

Mel Robbins 39:49 Yeah.

Oakley 39:49 Uh, he has started these men's retreats, and now he has gone back to school and is getting his master's, which is sick.

Mel Robbins 39:56 That's totally sick.

Oakley 39:57 Super sick.

Mel Robbins 39:58 You gotta take action. You were just talking about Dad starting Soul Degree, the men's retreat. He had never done that before. You gotta take action. Now he's signed up to get his master's in, uh, transpersonal psychology. Gotta take action. You with the toast, sitting there going, "Well, my friend's not doing it. I don't know. Are people gonna judge? Is this gonna..." No, I'm gonna do it just 'cause I wanna try it. Confidence is the willingness to try. That's the thing that everybody gets wrong about confidence. It's not a feeling. Confidence is an action, and it's a skill of, in life when you want to try something, making yourself just take the action. That's what builds it.

Oakley 40:37 Yeah, exactly.

Mel Robbins 40:39 Okay, uh, couple questions about bullying.

Oakley 40:42 Hmm.

Mel Robbins 40:42 "My son is being bullied by his wrestling team in college. Do I step in or let him figure it out?"

Oakley 40:52 Hmm. Um, what did I say? I- I never knew

Oakley 40:57 there was bullying in college, actually, so...

Mel Robbins 40:58 Really? That surprises you?

Oakley 41:00 Yes.

Mel Robbins 41:01 You've never heard that there's hazing? Hazing is basically bullying.

Oakley 41:04 Oh, well, hazing, yeah.

Mel Robbins 41:04 Well, it's basically what she's saying. He's getting hazed.

Oakley 41:06 Oh, well, are they hazing him? Hazing is just, like, you, you're basically willingly humiliating yourself (laughs) to be a part of something in college.

Mel Robbins 41:15 And if that happens to you, what are you gonna do?

Oakley 41:18 I probably just wouldn't join that group.

Mel Robbins 41:20 Yeah, I hope not.

Oakley 41:20 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 41:20 I think it's horrendous.

Oakley 41:22 I think it is horrendous too.

Mel Robbins 41:22 I think it should be, it's illegal, it should be. Here's my concern. This mom knows he's being bullied.

Oakley 41:29 So, he's told his mom.

Mel Robbins 41:30 Correct.

Oakley 41:31 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 41:31 Which means he's probably not told her the extent of it.

Oakley 41:34 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 41:35 And if you're in college and you're reaching out to a parent because you're getting bullied on a college sports team-

Oakley 41:44 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 41:46 ... my radar as a parent is now up.

Oakley 41:48 Right.

Mel Robbins 41:49 And I would think that it's more serious than they're leading on.

Oakley 41:56 Right.

Mel Robbins 41:56 And it's gotten to the point where they don't know what to do about it.

Oakley 41:59 Right.

Mel Robbins 41:59 And so I would ask very leading questions.

Oakley 42:02 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 42:02 Are you telling me everything? Are you nervous to go into practice?

Oakley 42:06 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 42:06 Have you spoken to anybody about it?

Oakley 42:08 Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 42:09 What do you think you should do?

Oakley 42:11 I like that. It's great that you told your parents. Uh, I had this horrendous experience at summer camp where there was this month-long summer camp. I was super excited. I was super afraid of being away from home. And I was, I was excited. Like, I was ready for this month-long summer camp. And I get there, and I end up getting bullied in, like, the first week. And so... Oh, no, it was more like the second week because I, the first week I was sending letters like, "It's great here. Like, I love it." Second week, shit hit the fan. It was like, "Get me out of here. Like, I hate it here. Like, I want to go home." But I never really told my parents, uh, why I hated it so much. I didn't tell them that I was getting bullied. And the second that I did tell my mom I was getting bullied, she became, like, The Hulk, and it was sick 'cause she, (laughs) she was, like, protecting me.

Mel Robbins 42:56 (laughs)

Oakley 42:56 And, like, she took me out of the camp, and I was more than happy about that experience.

Mel Robbins 43:01 Um, let's just say it was so bad...... when the camp finally did an investigation, that we got a three-page letter from the director of the camp, uh, saying how they had profoundly failed. Like, this was a really horrendous thing that happened. And so, it, it is like a situation where you don't... He may not be telling you everything because he doesn't... He's scared about you getting involved. And, you know, you were really, really little. I mean, you were like in sixth grade or something, so-

Oakley 43:38 Yeah. I was young.

Mel Robbins 43:39 ... um, you didn't have the full context of somebody who's in college. But even in college, like the pressure to not rat out somebody on the team, like you're inside this like culture of hazing if it's happening at that age. And so, getting outside of it and telling your parent, "This is happening. It is scaring me. Like, this is something you need to do." Give them the details, 'cause the second you dropped the word bully and you started telling me some of the things that this kid was doing who I wanted to hunt down and kill, I know that's not a mature response, but that's how horrendous it was, um, it, it, it, it pivoted from he's not homesick, he's actually getting targeted by somebody and this is unsafe. And so yes, I agree with that and I appreciate you saying something, Oak. I love you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just, I, I, I just... (sighs) I know it really shaped you.

Oakley 44:34 Hmm. It did, yeah.

Mel Robbins 44:36 Um, we already covered that one. Oh, oh, oh, I'm having a really hard time. Does it really get better? Because I feel really lost right now.

Oakley 44:46 It will 100% get better. I can promise you that, it will get better. I was

Oakley 44:52 at a very low point in my life, uh, two years ago, sophomore year?

Mel Robbins 44:57 Mm-hmm.

Oakley 44:58 Yeah. And I had the same mentality of, "Oh my God, I'm going to feel this way forever and it's never going to go away." And-

Mel Robbins 45:07 You need some water Yeah, I don't know what- What the hell is going on? He's getting emotional. Very profound what you're about to say. Is that dad's water bottle?

Oakley 45:15 Yeah, it is.

Mel Robbins 45:16 You always steal dad's stuff.

Oakley 45:18 Because he has the best stuff. Uh, it's great. Um, okay.

Mel Robbins 45:24 (laughs)

Oakley 45:24 Uh, yeah, it will 100% get better. I can promise you that, um, sophomore year, I was in a really dark place and my mentality was, "Well, if I have this mindset now, why would it ever go away?"

Mel Robbins 45:38 Mm-hmm.

Oakley 45:39 And over time, I still had the mindset a bit, and then slowly, it was just more in the back of my mind and I was like, "Oh well, yeah, whatever." And then, and then it just kind of like went away. And so while it may be hard right now, I can promise you that in time, it will get better 'cause it always does.

Mel Robbins 46:03 How do you support somebody that you love who has anxiety?

Oakley 46:07 Well, uh, I think everybody in our family has anxiety, right? (laughs)

Mel Robbins 46:13 (laughs)

Oakley 46:13 I feel like they do.

Mel Robbins 46:15 Well, there's... First of all, anxiety's a part of life.

Oakley 46:18 Yeah, it is a part of life. Mm-hmm.

Mel Robbins 46:21 It's when it's chronic, and everybody in our family has gone through periods where they've been stuck in a state of anxiety.

Oakley 46:29 Yes.

Mel Robbins 46:29 And so how do you support somebody?

Oakley 46:31 The best

Oakley 46:32 way to support somebody with anxiety is just like, you got to be a bit of a rock for them, you know? You got to let them know that you're there for them when they need you. And that sometimes you can't be there all the time, but it's important to let them know that you can be there to listen and that they're not alone when they are anxious.

Mel Robbins 46:49 And that this will pass-

Oakley 46:50 And that it will pass.

Mel Robbins 46:50 ... and things will get better.

Oakley 46:51 And things will get better.

Mel Robbins 46:53 What are, um, some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Because you've struggled with anxiety. We have a profound number of questions from young adults, teenagers, college students.

Oakley 47:03 Something that always works, which is hard to do when you're anxious. Like, I get it, it's hard to take a chill, but to sit and like plant your feet-

Mel Robbins 47:12 Will you walk us through it?

Oakley 47:13 Yeah, sure.

Mel Robbins 47:13 What do you do?

Oakley 47:14 Sure.

Mel Robbins 47:14 So walk us through what you do when you're anxious.

Oakley 47:15 Okay.

Mel Robbins 47:15 Okay.

Oakley 47:16 So like, I sit-

Mel Robbins 47:18 Yep.

Oakley 47:19 ... and I plant my hands on my, my thighs. I sit up straight.

Mel Robbins 47:23 Okay.

Oakley 47:24 And then I take a few deep breaths with my eyes open. I, I do like the-

Mel Robbins 47:27 With your eyes open?

Oakley 47:27 ... the table drill, but I don't know if I can do that right now on the podcast.

Mel Robbins 47:29 What's a

Mel Robbins 47:30 table drill? I don't know what that is.

Oakley 47:31 I, I've done that with you, where you do your mentors and the wisdom and all that.

Mel Robbins 47:36 Oh.

Oakley 47:36 I don't know if that, I don't know if I can do that right now.

Mel Robbins 47:38 Sure, do it.

Oakley 47:38 Okay, I guess we're doing... I'll do it for you. So, what you do is you plant your feet, put your hands on your thighs or wherever, wherever, just like somewhere where they stop moving.

Mel Robbins 47:48 Okay.

Oakley 47:49 And then you just like look around, and you want to breathe in through your nose, just your nose, and then out through your nose.

Mel Robbins 47:55 Okay.

Oakley 47:55 And so you're just... (breathing deeply) And then you're just looking around, you know? And then you do another one. (breathing deeply) One more time. (breathing deeply) All right, and then after the third breath, you close your eyes and you keep breathing in and you just keep repeating, uh, uh, breathing. And I actually invite you at home to join in if you want. If you're driving though, please don't close your eyes on the road. That would be bad. So you're just going to keep breathing in, and once you feel like you have gotten to a place where you can, uh, be a little centered, you think about a very big table. And just like the one in this video where I'm on this side and my mom's on that side, and you are sitting where I'm sitting, and across the table, you see your mentors. So, your mentors are people who you look up to, who you, uh, feel inspired by, and they can be real, they can be fictional. So like, if you really like a cartoon or you really like a movie actor, like they can be someone you've never met. It really can be anybody that you just look to for guidance and wisdom.And so, you imagine your mentors across the table from you. You could have one, you could have 20, you could have 100. I mean, if you have 100, it's going to take a while, but, uh-

Mel Robbins 49:23 (laughs)

Oakley 49:24 ... yeah, you can. And so, you're in this space. You're breathing in and out, and you see your mentors, and you want to look at the mentor all the way to your left, and you just want to ask them in your head, "Do you love me?" And then you're going to go down the line, and you're going to ask them all if they love you. So, I'll give you guys a minute to do that. I'll do it too. And so, once you get down the line, you're going to go back to the beginning-

Mel Robbins 50:05 Mm-hmm.

Oakley 50:06 ... and you're going to ask, "Do you have any wisdom for me?" And sometimes, I like to think that the wisdom is just, like, the first thought that comes to my mind when I'm asking them. So, you look at them. You imagine their face. Imagine if they're smiling, maybe they're frowning, um, and just hear what they have to say, and go down the line and ask them if they have wisdom. And then, once you feel like you've gotten your wisdom from your people, you're gonna go back to the beginning yet again, and you're gonna ask them if they love you one more time.

Mel Robbins 50:43 Hmm.

Oakley 50:55 And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes. And you can look around and appreciate your area. I already feel very, like, grounded now.

Mel Robbins 51:04 I do too.

Oakley 51:05 But it's-

Mel Robbins 51:06 Who's at your table?

Oakley 51:08 I, (laughs) I don't know. I don't, I'm not gonna tell you.

Mel Robbins 51:10 Why?

Oakley 51:10 It's a little secret from me.

Mel Robbins 51:11 Aw. That's beautiful.

Oakley 51:14 So, I think it's always good. And I always, it's, uh, the, that exercise is always supposed to make you, like, feel connected to people. And sometimes when you're anxious, you feel alone and disconnected. And so that's a good way to feel connected to people if you're not with them in that moment.

Mel Robbins 51:28 That was beautiful.

Oakley 51:29 Yeah.

Mel Robbins 51:30 Oak, thank you so much for being here. I love doing this with you. And I also just love hearing your take on this stuff.

Oakley 51:38 Yeah, I love sharing my, uh, 18-year-old, uh, brain with you.

Mel Robbins 51:44 Well, you're the best. And you know what? You're the best. Thank you for being here and spending time with us. And in case no one else tells you, I'm gonna tell you that I love you.

Oakley 51:52 I love you too.

Mel Robbins 51:53 And I believe in you.

Oakley 51:54 I believe in you as well.

Mel Robbins 51:55 And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

Oakley 51:58 As do I.

Mel Robbins 51:59 So, go do it.

Oakley 52:00 So, go do it!

Mel Robbins 52:01 All right. We'll see you in a few days. Ow.

Oakley 52:05 (laughs)

Mel Robbins 52:06 (laughs) That was hard. Hey, YouTube. If you love this, you're gonna love part two.

Oakley 52:11 I bet.

Mel Robbins 52:12 Hit it right here.

Oakley 52:14 Nice.