The Mel Robbins PodcastThis Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It | Mel Robbins Podcast
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
100 min read · 20,023 words- 0:00 – 1:32
Intro
- MRMel Robbins
What do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?
- OAOakley
Ooh.
- MRMel Robbins
Here's another one. My sister wants to know if Oakley is single, and if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini. (laughs)
- OAOakley
Interesting.
- MRMel Robbins
What are, um, some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Will you walk us through it?
- OAOakley
I sit up straight.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
All right, and then after the third breath, you close your eyes, and I actually invite you at home to join in if you want.
- MRMel Robbins
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I'm Mel, and today I'm really excited because I'm not alone, I'm here with one of my favorite people, somebody that I love, our 18-year-old son, Oakley.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
It's me, guys. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Um, uh, you know, I'm laughing 'cause I know that we're gonna have a lot of fun, and I'm also excited because our audience loves you.
- OAOakley
And I love you guys.
- MRMel Robbins
And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I just want to take a minute and welcome you, and also explain a little bit of background. Oakley is our 18-year-old son, he is the youngest of three, he's a senior in high school, and he-
- OAOakley
Just applied to college, it was great.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
- OAOakley
Finished my applications, like, I've done what I need to do, like, it's- it's great.
- MRMel Robbins
Congratulations on getting all of that done. In case you're new, every time Oakley has been on the podcast,
- 1:32 – 4:29
This is why I love having my son, Oakley, on the podcast.
- MRMel Robbins
we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed to Oakley from listeners around the world, and the thing that's always really kind of surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages. So in this stack of questions, I've got questions from high schoolers, from kids in college, from parents, from school counselors, from therapists, to grandparents, to just people that are reflecting on their own childhood, and I can't wait to dig into this. And the truth is, Oak, I do have to say, you've really cracked the code on so many things that I struggled with for, like, 50 years. Like, when I think about anxiety, confidence-
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Where you are at the age of 18 versus where I was at 18, I mean, I was like, in peak Mel Schneeberger dysfunction.
- OAOakley
First of all, I have lived through getting bullied, like many, uh, anxiety, dyslexia, troubles in school, troubles in life. And, um, also, I- I tend to spend a good amount of time alone. Love to hang out with people, but I also like to spend some time alone, and I- I just think a lot. Like, I- I feel like I'm always thinking about what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling, and stuff like that. 'Cause when you're alone, like, what else is there to think about?
- MRMel Robbins
That's a good point. Who are you? I- I- I feel like you are, (laughs) like, I, have, I feel almost like you're the kind of person, you know how people say you're an old soul?
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
I feel at times like I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be 100 years who came back as you.
- OAOakley
That would be kind of cool.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you know what else is going to be cool, is going through all these questions, because we have about 17 topics to get through. And before we jump in, I just want to take a moment and, uh, acknowledge you for a second. First of all, thank you for being here, because I know that every single time you tune in and listen to the Mel Robbins Podcast, you're taking time for yourself, and you're listening to this because you know that it can help you improve your life, and I think that's pretty cool. You're my kind of person, so thank you. Thank you for being here.
- OAOakley
Yeah, thanks guys. It's awesome.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so you ready?
- OAOakley
Of course.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, let's jump in. The first question, this one from a 17-year-old Oak: Oakley, I'm 17 years old, and I just want to know, how do I ensure a stress-free college search? And before you jump into this, because I know you're going to talk about the pressure, I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something and you don't know how to manage it. Whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you
- 4:29 – 8:50
How to let go of the pressure when your life doesn’t go the way you want.
- MRMel Robbins
thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you are not dating anybody and you really want to find the one and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you want to find your purpose and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life and so you start to get stressed about the process. And so as you listen to us unpack this, 'cause I don't know what you're going to talk about, Oak, um, listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about, and now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing, though, because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age, so it must amplify it. So where do you want to start with this?
- OAOakley
Yeah, I think if we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, uh, stress is a natural part of life, so you will never live a life that is, uh, stress-free. You will always feel stress with things like the college process, uh, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that. Everything- everything can involve stress. Um, and I think first accepting that in life you'll feel stressed is super important, and not resisting the stress, uh, when it comes is important. And with the college process in particular, I know that's super stressful, and honestly, I think it's supposed to be stressful.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OAOakley
'Cause, you know, you- you look at these colleges, and you look at, oh, the acceptance rate, oh my God, it's like 13%, and oh my God, 10,000 kids are doing this, and oh my God, like, I have to write one essay, and everything relies on this one essay, and they know nothing about me, but I really want to get into this school. It's- it's really stressful, and, like, this isn't going to get me into college, and so I delete it, and then I write another one, and I'm like, "This isn't good enough, this isn't going to get me into college." And I think for me, and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just, like...... step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath and just stop, and, like, take your time, 'cause you are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique. And something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again, is that no matter where you end up, like, it won't predict your life. If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to not get the job you want or live in the place you want to live. And nine times out of 10 that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet, and if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it into another one. Um, but it's, it's important to not let the, it's, it's, it's important to not have a mindset of, "My whole life depends on this."
- MRMel Robbins
What if it feels like it does? Like, how do you, how do you gain perspective when you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it, and every time you're with adults you're like, "So where are you applying to school?" And "Where are you going-"
- OAOakley
It really is an everyday conversation everywhere. It's a pain. I think, like, it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say. Just while you are worried about the college process, if you spend the rest, the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable.
- MRMel Robbins
Oak, I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that the way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now, and I know that that's hard to do. It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges, it's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything. If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job. If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids, same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money, uh, and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere, and you start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you. And the real advice here that is so true, because you can get yourself worked up about anything, is learning how to appreciate where you are right now.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
You said something the other day that I think is really important.
- OAOakley
Hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
Which is, I wanted to ask you something about that essay.
- OAOakley
Yep.
- MRMel Robbins
And you said, "Mom,
- 8:50 – 12:18
You get to set boundaries with family and friends.
- MRMel Robbins
I have to hear about this all day long at school. I do not want to talk about this with you right now." I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary, and the one place you don't want to talk about it is at home. And this is really important, because boundaries are something that are your responsibility, and you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it, and you just basically said, "I don't want to talk about this with you, because I'm getting it all day long," and I would not have known that otherwise. And this is very important for you listening too. Like, you can say to your family members, "I don't want to talk about whether, whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job. My weight is not up for discussion. Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody." And so you did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you, and that's exactly what this person, this listener that's writing in should do with their, with their parents. Like, express that boundary.
- OAOakley
Yeah, setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific-
- MRMel Robbins
Uh-oh.
- OAOakley
... uh, about the college process just to help some people. No, this is good.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
This is a good thing.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, okay.
- OAOakley
I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to, like, help some people out. If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or, like, end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college, and so that is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it, because it is all-consuming. Like, until they've hit the submit button, it's all they'll think about. It's all they'll care about, and it's the last thing they ever want to talk about, 'cause it's always on their mind and it's annoying. So give them some space from time to time. Don't always talk about it.
- MRMel Robbins
You're right, Oak. Don't bring it up, uh, because you know that they feel pressure about it, and this advice, it goes for anything that anyone in your life is under pressure about. Like, I can give you a couple examples. Let's say your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby. You don't need to ask about it, 'cause guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wondering. They wake up every day, and the last thing that they need is you bringing up, "How's it going?" And I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind, because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet, and she never had kids of her own. And you want to know what? It kills her. Like, if there was one thing that she could change, it would have been that she had had kids of her own. And so when her mom occasionally is like, "You know, it just breaks my heart that you never had children. You would have been the best mother," my friend's literally like, "You don't think I wish I would have been? Like, why the hell are you bringing this up? Like, talk to your therapist about that. Don't lay that on me." And so I do think this is really important. If somebody that you love cares about something, the job search, the search for a house, you don't need to bring it up, okay? If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you. Just give them space, show them you love them, and show them that you care about them, and do it in other ways. Great advice, Oak. Here's another question. "Uh, we're going through a divorce, and I'm worried about our kids."
- OAOakley
Hmm. Um, you don't have to give them a reason. Like, you don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce, but I would be honest with
- 12:18 – 14:38
What to do for your kids when you’re going through divorce.
- OAOakley
them. "We're unhappy, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it is not your fault." Make sure you reinstate that. That's huge, um, because...Plenty of kids worry that it is their fault. But also, take their needs into account. And like, if they wanna... Like, just, like, take their suggestions and their needs into account. So like, if they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, like, if they want to go somewhere, like, you should let them. Like, you shouldn't be like, "No, you can't." Like, "You can't go anywhere. You have to be with me right now." Like, all this kind of stuff. Just, they are people too. They're living their own lives. You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They are just in, they're in just as much pain 'cause they're watching their two parents separate. So, just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving.
- MRMel Robbins
And they need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.
- OAOakley
Yeah, 100%. Do not talk about your spouse with them. Don't be like, "Oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing," or stuff like that. Do not. They don't need to hear it.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so Oak, here's another question from a listener, and she writes, "My daughter wants me to step back a little bit," and I would love to hear from Oakley and from you, Mel, what kind of boundaries do you guys have as a mother and a son?
- OAOakley
I mean, I think that's, that's depending on, like, how overbearing you are, but let me think about our relationship. Like, I feel like I tell you everything whenever there is something, or if you ask, I'm just like, "Yeah." Like, I've, I, I never feel like I have to keep things from you. Not that I'm, like, coming to you and telling you everything, but like, I never feel like I have to keep something from you.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, that makes me feel great, that you feel like you don't have to keep something from me, Oak. If you need something, you can talk to me about it, so thank you for sharing that with me. And in terms of boundaries that I have as a mom, um, there are really kind of two categories of the boundaries. The first one is the boundaries that I establish that help keep the communication open and that create a trusting and respectful relationship between us, and the second set of boundaries are around keeping you safe. And so, let me talk about the first one, which is
- 14:38 – 18:24
How do you give your kids the space to be their own person?
- MRMel Robbins
this boundary of respect and open communication, and to that end, I really try hard to let you, Oakley, be your own person.
- OAOakley
I like that. I like that one.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to control him. I need to guide him. You, you said on another podcast you were on that a parent should be like a coach, not somebody who's in control, and I often have to remind myself of that. Um, the second thing is your personal space. When I walk in your room, my skin crawls.
- OAOakley
(laughs) It's not that bad.
- MRMel Robbins
Well-
- OAOakley
It's not that bad.
- MRMel Robbins
You know, I, I, I see the clothes everywhere.
- OAOakley
I think you're, you're painting me in a bad... Let me explain my room.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, your room i- and, and, you know, here's the thing, like, it's his space. When we start to cross the line between it being dirty or there's dishes stacking up, I drop the hammer.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
But-
- OAOakley
Which is rare.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- OAOakley
I also, like, have, I feel like I'm, my shower schedule is pretty concrete. It's, like, in the morning and then right before I go to bed, so...
- MRMel Robbins
You take two showers a day?
- OAOakley
Every day.
- MRMel Robbins
You do?
- OAOakley
Yes. (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OAOakley
Well, so the night is when I, like, use soap and everything-
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- OAOakley
...and, like, clean myself.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
And then the morning is 'cause my hair's really, like, thick and curly.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- OAOakley
And so when I sleep, it's like, it's literally like this.
- MRMel Robbins
Like a helmet.
- OAOakley
It's like a helmet when I wake up, and the only way to fix it is just to, like, reset it by getting it wet.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- OAOakley
So I just j- I literally jump in the shower for, like, 30 seconds.
- 18:24 – 24:03
How do you talk to your kids about alcohol?
- MRMel Robbins
a listener who writes, "How did your parents talk about alcohol use with you? Do they allow it? Did they ground you? How did they handle it?"You can speak freely, Oak.
- OAOakley
(laughs) Um, well, I think from a young age, you were more practicing safe ways of using it, healthy ways of using it, like a glass of wine at dinner, or, like, a little bit of a drink at, like, a party or something. Um, before any parties or anything really happened, you would talk to the three of us kids and always tell us that if we do go out and do something, 'cause we're teenagers and stuff happens and kids do stuff, and if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, "Oh, that's bad," well, you did it too, so that's okay. Um, you always said that if we're ever gonna do anything, before we do it at a party or somewhere else, you want us to do it with you.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes.
- OAOakley
So that it's like, it's, we're in a safe environment, we're with people we care about, you can take care of us, and it's all safe. No drinking and driving, that's your number one rule.
- MRMel Robbins
That's my number one rule. And what's the rule to, about if you're gonna be at a party where you are drinking? What do you have to do?
- OAOakley
Either have a driver who my mom trusts, or, uh, stay at the party, or, final option, call Mom or Dad and ask for a ride.
- MRMel Robbins
And what do we do if you tell us where you are and drinking is involved and the police show up or something happens? Like, do we ground you?
- OAOakley
No.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OAOakley
You ask me to call you, and, well, you don't ground me because, again, it's a natural part of life, like, it's experimentation, everybody experiments. And also, wait, why don't... 'Cause we're getting punished enough by the cops? Like, I feel like that's...
- MRMel Robbins
That's a great question, Oak. I'll tell you why. Because here's how I've chosen to handle this issue with your dad. Because this is a deeply personal issue in terms of how you decide you're going to talk about it with your kids, and so for us, we took the time to figure out what do we value here? Because number one, every kid is going to experiment.
- OAOakley
Every kid.
- MRMel Robbins
Just assume they're going to experiment. And number two, if you assume that they're going to experiment and you can't stop that from happening, what is it that you value most? And for me, what I valued most was open communication, trust, and safety. And so, I took the focus off trying to control something I couldn't control, which was whether or not you drink, and I put all of my attention on how do I navigate this as a parent through my highest value? Which is creating trust with you, creating open communication with you, and keeping you safe. And safe means not only, uh, no driving. Safe also means your use of it. Like, not being one of these kids who is, so they binge drink like crazy because they have to sneak it, and so they just chug the... 'Cause we saw this over and over and over with kids whose parents punished them when they drank or banned the alcohol or pretended it didn't happen. It created a lack of trust, it created sneakiness, it created lying, all of which led to very dangerous behavior. And so for me, I don't know whether it's the right call or the wrong call. It has been a very smart and successful call for us because it's aligned with our values and so that's why. Now, if you lied to us, I'd punish you.
- OAOakley
Yeah, yeah, I would get punished if I lied.
- MRMel Robbins
Yes. If I ever found out that you got in a car with somebody who was drinking or you yourself got behind the wheel-
- OAOakley
I would...
- MRMel Robbins
... you would lose the right to drive for a year.
- OAOakley
Yeah. (laughs) That is, that is true.
- MRMel Robbins
And that's no joke because we live in a rural area, and I had a friend die in high school because of drinking and driving. And so, that's why my values are that. And so, I just feel like that's the formula for anything that you're navigating, whether it is sex or it is alcohol or it's drugs or it's anything. Like, figure out what you value most and be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't control. Because if you don't understand that, if you literally... If I were to ban you and say, "You're not allowed to drink. Can't drink till you're 21," it just makes you want it more. And it also makes you go, "I'm not telling you what I'm doing." And so, that's how we handled it, and that's why I don't punish you when you do what you say you're going to do and when you stay where you're supposed to stay and when you don't drive.
- OAOakley
Valid. It's true.
- MRMel Robbins
Alrighty. Ooh, Oakley. This next question is about breaking up, and it's from a listener who's a young adult like you, and they specifically wanted your take on this topic. And I think that's an important note to highlight for you listening because I can give all the advice in the world, but I'm 55, and sometimes you want to hear from somebody your age. And as an 18-year-old, Oakley, you probably understand what they're going through, and I know that there have been numerous times where your sisters have told me, "Mom, your advice is irrelevant because you are so far away from the age and the issues that I'm dealing with, and so I want advice from somebody my age." And so, Oakley, that's what this listener is asking for, your advice on this topic. So here's the question: Oak, how do I know when it's time to break up with somebody?
- OAOakley
Hmm. That's a good question.
- 24:03 – 26:00
When do you know it’s time to break up with someone?
- OAOakley
I think... Here's what I'm going to say. And I'll, I'll expand upon this, of course.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
But like, when, like, you know. When it's time to break up with somebody, you know. Like, you will always know what you want deep down, and like nine times out of ten, what's holding you back is your worry about their feelings and hurting them. But in a relationship, uh, you do take the other, the other person's feelings into account. But when it comes to things like breakups, you should be taking what will make you...... feel the best into account.
- MRMel Robbins
But what if you're terrified about hurting this person, and you know they're going to cry, and you just don't want to deal with it, you're going to see them at school and-
- OAOakley
I mean that's, that's like, that's like a given. Like, if you are not happy anymore in this relationship, you... I can promise you, you will be more happy out of it. And yes, there will be those times where maybe you see them, and maybe it's a little awkward, or they cry and it's a little sad, but that's a moment in time that might last like an hour, instead of you spending the rest of your time with somebody that you aren't currently happy with.
- MRMel Robbins
I noticed something about you, maybe this is too much information, that you don't like the random hookup.
- OAOakley
No.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OAOakley
No, I don't. I... Like, this is... I mean it, this is a me thing, but when... If I'm going to... If I... Like, I want to know the person, I want to like care about them, I want to feel like there's something there, um, I want to see like something with them to just like... 'Cause I don't see a point in just like hooking up with somebody to hook up with somebody. Um, I just, I feel like it's kind of just like tacky and dumb. But if you do it, like you do it, and that's totally fine, and I'm not going to say you're wrong, but for me, I feel like I want to know them and care about them and respect them, 'cause it also just makes it feel more special and enjoyable when you're actually with them.
- MRMel Robbins
Is it possible to be friends with
- 26:00 – 27:02
Can you be friends with your ex?
- MRMel Robbins
your ex?
- OAOakley
Yeah, I would say.
- MRMel Robbins
How?
- OAOakley
You know, the best way is that in the beginning, you need space.
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- OAOakley
Like, you can't be talking to them after, there can be no, like, hookups afterwards, you can't get back together and try and hook up, um, you shouldn't be calling them while you're drunk or anything like that. And you need to understand that it takes time, and that you also will not have the same relationship you had when you were dating. But you can still be friends, you can still, you can still hang out from time to time. But, um, it's important to know that it won't be the exact same and that it may be a little awkward from time to time.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, how... This is somebody who's going into college, they want to know, "How can I stay in touch with or support my younger sibling as I'm sh- as we're shifting into like adult sibling relationships?" Like...
- OAOakley
Right.
- 27:02 – 30:26
How to support your siblings throughout your life.
- OAOakley
Uh, for me and my sisters, honestly, like we... I wouldn't say we talked that much. Like, we were... we talked every now and then, maybe like twice a month, but-
- MRMel Robbins
So it's six and five years difference.
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm. We're... We were just living like our lives, like we were in school, and that takes up our priority, and there's a lot going on, but I think just like reaching out to your younger sibling and be like, "Hey, if you ever need to talk, I am here. I'm always going to be here, even if I'm not in the house." Um, that's huge, that's really big. Uh, even if you guys aren't talking every day, which you don't need to be, but I just recommend you definitely say like, "I'm here to talk whenever you need, like I'm always here for you. I went through high school, like let me know what's going on." Um, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
One thing that's made a big difference for me is we started a family group chat. Like, we light it up all day long.
- OAOakley
Yeah, we do light everything (laughs) up all day long with like photos, and... Having a big family group chat is great 'cause like for me, I don't really communicate that often, like I'm a horrible texter.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah.
- OAOakley
I'm horrible at it. (laughs) And so having the group chat where it's just like, mom's like, "How is everybody?" And then like, Kendall's like, "Oh, I'm great." And Sword's like, "Oh, I'm awesome. Here's a photo of where I am right now." And then I'm like, "Oh, everyone's like chilling out, like they're all great." Then I'm like, "Cool." Like, I feel great.
- MRMel Robbins
It makes us feel-
- OAOakley
Connected.
- MRMel Robbins
... very connected, and you can pop in, you can pop out. We celebrate each other.
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
We do roll call occasionally.
- OAOakley
Yup. Yup.
- MRMel Robbins
We share funny memes. (laughs)
- OAOakley
A family group chat for anything that you want to talk about is just such a great way to feel connected, just 'cause you don't feel like you have to have like a serious conversation, like you can send one-word things. Just like, so many times people will text just like, "Miss you guys," and then it's just something cute like that, or other times someone will send a photo and it's like, "This is so mom," or something, and it's like, just like fun stuff like that, which makes you have fun and feel connected and things like that.
- MRMel Robbins
Awesome.
- OAOakley
Awesome.
- MRMel Robbins
All right, next question. Oakley. "What do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents play favorites?"
- OAOakley
Ooh. Um, I think it's important to have a conversation with your parents about, uh, what you feel, and it's important to communicate how you feel, uh, all the time. And so if you feel like your parents are playing favorites, you shouldn't play the blame game, of course. As a parent, what would you be most open to hearing if I was like, "I feel like you're picking favorites"?
- MRMel Robbins
I would say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What am I doing that makes you feel that way?"
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
"And how can I change?"
- OAOakley
If you're going to go into that conversation with your parents, 'cause that's a pretty serious conversation, I think that you should definitely, um, have a few examples in mind, a few scenarios.
- MRMel Robbins
I think it's great coaching to say, "Come in with specific examples and focus on how it made you feel."
- OAOakley
Yeah, for sure.
- MRMel Robbins
Because if you tell your parents they're playing favorites, they'll get defensive. If you say, "Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm not important."
- OAOakley
Yeah, that's... Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And then you give the examples.
- OAOakley
List a few examples.
- MRMel Robbins
Then they'll be more open to it. Here's another question, Oak. This time, it's from a parent and it's directed at you because they have a question about their 15-year-old. "Oakley, my 15-year-old is always in her room. Do I just let her be? I'm scared for our relationship and I don't know what to do."
- 30:26 – 35:35
How to handle your teen always being in their room.
- OAOakley
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- OAOakley
Oh, yeah. Uh-
- MRMel Robbins
Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?
- OAOakley
I mean, most likely, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay, so she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.Honestly, since I'm, like, a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or, like, talking to my friends on the phone. But yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
So, she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone.
- OAOakley
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. So, what do you do about that?
- OAOakley
She's 15, so her whole world is her friends.
- MRMel Robbins
Um, when do you think somebody should be alarmed that their teen is spending a ton of time alone in their room? Like, what would be-
- OAOakley
I think it's, like, if you don't see them, like, they come home from school and they just don't leave their room. Um, that's when it is alarming. Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
And do you have a good lead-in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.
- OAOakley
I'd just be like, "Hey, like, I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently and I'm just kinda curious as to what's happening," you know?
- MRMel Robbins
"Nothing."
- OAOakley
(laughs) And then I would say... (slurps) I wanna respond with "nothing." That's a great... Like, I use that line all the-
- MRMel Robbins
No shit, you do.
- OAOakley
(laughing) I use that line all the time.
- MRMel Robbins
I have, I have an in.
- OAOakley
Okay, what's your in?
- MRMel Robbins
"You don't seem like yourself."
- OAOakley
Yeah, that's good.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
That's... (laughs) That'll get 'em.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
That'll get 'em. 'Cause if there is something wrong, then they'll be like, "You're right."
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
"There is something wrong." Yeah. That, that, that gets 'em.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay. And even if they don't answer right away, it sort of marinates.
- 35:35 – 40:57
Advice about boosting your confidence at any time in your life.
- OAOakley
Like, I hate myself because, like, for some reason." Um...
- MRMel Robbins
I think it's puberty. I think your body starts-
- OAOakley
It is puberty.
- MRMel Robbins
...to change-
- OAOakley
It's definitely puberty.
- MRMel Robbins
...and you lose control over it.
- OAOakley
Yeah. Yeah. And it's also just, like, how everybody starts to talk about each other rather than, like, other things. 'Cause in elementary school, you guy- you guys were just talking about who knows what, honestly. I don't know what's going on.
- MRMel Robbins
LEGOS.
- OAOakley
Yeah, LEGOs, like, toys, uh-
- MRMel Robbins
Stuff you're collecting.
- OAOakley
...ponies, horses. Like-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
...something, something random is going on in elementary school. But once you get to middle school and you realize that everybody's starting to talk about each other, then you start to be like, "Oh, my goodness. Like, I'm feeling a little self-conscious." Um, I think it's super important to-
- MRMel Robbins
You went through the stage where you were self-conscious.
- OAOakley
Of course. I did, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
How did you go from a kid who was worried about his boobs-
- OAOakley
Oh, my God. My moobs. My man boobs. Um, I mean, one thing, time heals all, for sure.
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- OAOakley
But also, just understanding that everybody's going through the same exact thing that you are. Like, you may look at your, uh, feet, I guess, and not like the way your feet look while other people are, like, looking at their forehead. And-It's, they're never looking at you. You're the only one looking at yourself. So-
- MRMel Robbins
How do you tap into it though? Was it community theater? Was it-
- OAOakley
Theater's a good way, it's such a good way to become more confident, 'cause you just, you just have to get over, like, being shy and not wanting to express yourself. So, theater's a great way. Not saying that you should force your kids to do theater, but, um, theater's a really good way to get more confidence. Um, also just, like, being with the right people-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm.
- OAOakley
... is super big. 'Cause if you're with a bunch of people that are hyping you up all the time, you're gonna feel pretty hyped up all the time, (laughs) rather than, like, negative about yourself.
- MRMel Robbins
Or chasing people that you think will make you cool-
- OAOakley
Yeah, that's not-
- MRMel Robbins
... actually makes you feel insecure.
- OAOakley
Yeah, that'll 100% make you insecure. If you're trying to achieve a certain image to be with a certain group of people, that's never gonna work out for you. I can promise you that.
- MRMel Robbins
So, seek out people-
- OAOakley
That hype you up, yeah, like-
- MRMel Robbins
... that allow, that hype you up, that make you feel good when you're around them.
- 40:57 – 44:52
As a parent, do you step in when your college kid is being bullied?
- OAOakley
there was bullying in college, actually, so...
- MRMel Robbins
Really? That surprises you?
- OAOakley
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
You've never heard that there's hazing? Hazing is basically bullying.
- OAOakley
Oh, well, hazing, yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, it's basically what she's saying. He's getting hazed.
- OAOakley
Oh, well, are they hazing him? Hazing is just, like, you, you're basically willingly humiliating yourself (laughs) to be a part of something in college.
- MRMel Robbins
And if that happens to you, what are you gonna do?
- OAOakley
I probably just wouldn't join that group.
- MRMel Robbins
Yeah, I hope not.
- OAOakley
(laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
I think it's horrendous.
- OAOakley
I think it is horrendous too.
- MRMel Robbins
I think it should be, it's illegal, it should be. Here's my concern. This mom knows he's being bullied.
- OAOakley
So, he's told his mom.
- MRMel Robbins
Correct.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Which means he's probably not told her the extent of it.
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
And if you're in college and you're reaching out to a parent because you're getting bullied on a college sports team-
- OAOakley
Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
... my radar as a parent is now up.
- OAOakley
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And I would think that it's more serious than they're leading on.
- OAOakley
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And it's gotten to the point where they don't know what to do about it.
- OAOakley
Right.
- MRMel Robbins
And so I would ask very leading questions.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Are you telling me everything? Are you nervous to go into practice?
- 44:52 – 46:32
What you need to know when you feel lost and alone.
- OAOakley
at a very low point in my life, uh, two years ago, sophomore year?
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- OAOakley
Yeah. And I had the same mentality of, "Oh my God, I'm going to feel this way forever and it's never going to go away." And-
- MRMel Robbins
You need some water Yeah, I don't know what- What the hell is going on? He's getting emotional. Very profound what you're about to say. Is that dad's water bottle?
- OAOakley
Yeah, it is.
- MRMel Robbins
You always steal dad's stuff.
- OAOakley
Because he has the best stuff. Uh, it's great. Um, okay.
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
Uh, yeah, it will 100% get better. I can promise you that, um, sophomore year, I was in a really dark place and my mentality was, "Well, if I have this mindset now, why would it ever go away?"
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- OAOakley
And over time, I still had the mindset a bit, and then slowly, it was just more in the back of my mind and I was like, "Oh well, yeah, whatever." And then, and then it just kind of like went away. And so while it may be hard right now, I can promise you that in time, it will get better 'cause it always does.
- MRMel Robbins
How do you support somebody that you love who has anxiety?
- OAOakley
Well, uh, I think everybody in our family has anxiety, right? (laughs)
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
I feel like they do.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, there's... First of all, anxiety's a part of life.
- OAOakley
Yeah, it is a part of life. Mm-hmm.
- MRMel Robbins
It's when it's chronic, and everybody in our family has gone through periods where they've been stuck in a state of anxiety.
- OAOakley
Yes.
- MRMel Robbins
And so how do you support somebody?
- OAOakley
The best
- 46:32 – 47:30
How do you support someone with chronic anxiety?
- OAOakley
way to support somebody with anxiety is just like, you got to be a bit of a rock for them, you know? You got to let them know that you're there for them when they need you. And that sometimes you can't be there all the time, but it's important to let them know that you can be there to listen and that they're not alone when they are anxious.
- MRMel Robbins
And that this will pass-
- OAOakley
And that it will pass.
- MRMel Robbins
... and things will get better.
- OAOakley
And things will get better.
- MRMel Robbins
What are, um, some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Because you've struggled with anxiety. We have a profound number of questions from young adults, teenagers, college students.
- OAOakley
Something that always works, which is hard to do when you're anxious. Like, I get it, it's hard to take a chill, but to sit and like plant your feet-
- MRMel Robbins
Will you walk us through it?
- OAOakley
Yeah, sure.
- MRMel Robbins
What do you do?
- OAOakley
Sure.
- MRMel Robbins
So walk us through what you do when you're anxious.
- OAOakley
Okay.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
So like, I sit-
- MRMel Robbins
Yep.
- OAOakley
... and I plant my hands on my, my thighs. I sit up straight.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
And then I take a few deep breaths with my eyes open. I, I do like the-
- MRMel Robbins
With your eyes open?
- OAOakley
... the table drill, but I don't know if I can do that right now on the podcast.
- MRMel Robbins
What's a
- 47:30 – 52:14
Meditation strategies to use when you’re feeling anxious.
- MRMel Robbins
table drill? I don't know what that is.
- OAOakley
I, I've done that with you, where you do your mentors and the wisdom and all that.
- MRMel Robbins
Oh.
- OAOakley
I don't know if that, I don't know if I can do that right now.
- MRMel Robbins
Sure, do it.
- OAOakley
Okay, I guess we're doing... I'll do it for you. So, what you do is you plant your feet, put your hands on your thighs or wherever, wherever, just like somewhere where they stop moving.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
And then you just like look around, and you want to breathe in through your nose, just your nose, and then out through your nose.
- MRMel Robbins
Okay.
- OAOakley
And so you're just... (breathing deeply) And then you're just looking around, you know? And then you do another one. (breathing deeply) One more time. (breathing deeply) All right, and then after the third breath, you close your eyes and you keep breathing in and you just keep repeating, uh, uh, breathing. And I actually invite you at home to join in if you want. If you're driving though, please don't close your eyes on the road. That would be bad. So you're just going to keep breathing in, and once you feel like you have gotten to a place where you can, uh, be a little centered, you think about a very big table. And just like the one in this video where I'm on this side and my mom's on that side, and you are sitting where I'm sitting, and across the table, you see your mentors. So, your mentors are people who you look up to, who you, uh, feel inspired by, and they can be real, they can be fictional. So like, if you really like a cartoon or you really like a movie actor, like they can be someone you've never met. It really can be anybody that you just look to for guidance and wisdom.And so, you imagine your mentors across the table from you. You could have one, you could have 20, you could have 100. I mean, if you have 100, it's going to take a while, but, uh-
- MRMel Robbins
(laughs)
- OAOakley
... yeah, you can. And so, you're in this space. You're breathing in and out, and you see your mentors, and you want to look at the mentor all the way to your left, and you just want to ask them in your head, "Do you love me?" And then you're going to go down the line, and you're going to ask them all if they love you. So, I'll give you guys a minute to do that. I'll do it too. And so, once you get down the line, you're going to go back to the beginning-
- MRMel Robbins
Mm-hmm.
- OAOakley
... and you're going to ask, "Do you have any wisdom for me?" And sometimes, I like to think that the wisdom is just, like, the first thought that comes to my mind when I'm asking them. So, you look at them. You imagine their face. Imagine if they're smiling, maybe they're frowning, um, and just hear what they have to say, and go down the line and ask them if they have wisdom. And then, once you feel like you've gotten your wisdom from your people, you're gonna go back to the beginning yet again, and you're gonna ask them if they love you one more time.
- MRMel Robbins
Hmm.
- OAOakley
And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes. And you can look around and appreciate your area. I already feel very, like, grounded now.
- MRMel Robbins
I do too.
- OAOakley
But it's-
- MRMel Robbins
Who's at your table?
- OAOakley
I, (laughs) I don't know. I don't, I'm not gonna tell you.
- MRMel Robbins
Why?
- OAOakley
It's a little secret from me.
- MRMel Robbins
Aw. That's beautiful.
- OAOakley
So, I think it's always good. And I always, it's, uh, the, that exercise is always supposed to make you, like, feel connected to people. And sometimes when you're anxious, you feel alone and disconnected. And so that's a good way to feel connected to people if you're not with them in that moment.
- MRMel Robbins
That was beautiful.
- OAOakley
Yeah.
- MRMel Robbins
Oak, thank you so much for being here. I love doing this with you. And I also just love hearing your take on this stuff.
- OAOakley
Yeah, I love sharing my, uh, 18-year-old, uh, brain with you.
- MRMel Robbins
Well, you're the best. And you know what? You're the best. Thank you for being here and spending time with us. And in case no one else tells you, I'm gonna tell you that I love you.
- OAOakley
I love you too.
Episode duration: 52:14
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