Understanding Yourself: The #1 Thing You Need To Do To Live an Authentic Life | Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 9:38

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      When I think about the topic of both authenticity and how to be your truest, most powerful self, this is so difficult for people, because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself. You identified the three different versions we have of ourself. You now have the ability to choose whether or not you're going to stay in that version, or you're going to swing toward the authentic you. (upbeat music plays) Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am really looking forward to this conversation with you today. I'm so glad you're taking the time to be with me. We're going to dig into a topic that I know you are going to love, and that is, how can you become the most authentic version of yourself? And what the hell does that even mean, right? That's a, that's a big mouthful of a sentence, the most authentic version of yourself. And I have a three-part framework that one of the world's leading experts on the research of authenticity, and how to be the most authentic you, and how to use that as a way to belong to yourself and relationships, she's going to join us in just a minute. But I have a story about authenticity that I want to tell you, um, that's kind of personal. And it's something that I've been thinking about a lot, because whenever I travel, I bump into fans of this podcast, and I am hearing very, very consistent feedback. And so let me tell you a story about that happening just this week. Earlier this week, I was in Nashville because I was giving a speech to executives in the supply chain industry. And I don't know about you, but there are certain places that when I visit, I have to go to a particular restaurant and have a particular meal. For example, when I go to where my mom grew up outside of Buffalo, New York, I got to go to Schwabl's and have a kimmel on wick. If you know, you know. When I visit my parents in Western Michigan where I grew up, I got to go to the Red Rooster Inn, where I used to be a waitress, or to the Bear Lake Tavern and have fried perch. Not negotiable, not leaving town without that meal. You picking up what I'm putting down? I'm sure you have meals like that too. Well, when I go to Nashville, it is not a Nashville-style hot chicken. That's not what I'm doing. I have to go to Kayne Prime. Kayne Prime is this awesome steakhouse, and I love Kayne Prime for a number of reasons. First of all, they have an appetizer that is bacon that is sous vide for like 72 hours, and then they finish it off on a cast iron grill. And you want to hear what they top it off with? Cotton candy. You heard that right. So that's order number one. Order number two, they make this insanely delicious purple kale salad with currants and almonds, and it is just so fricking delicious. And then finally, their steaks. Their steaks are just their steaks, like they're just fantastic. And so I, of course, after the tech rehearsal, I went to Kayne Prime with Christine, our chief operating officer, and Melinda, who does a bunch of, uh, freelance work for us whenever we're doing events. She's a genius at all the advanced stuff that we do there. And (laughs) , um, we're sitting there, and we walk in, and we're seated by this really wonderful gentleman. He's clearly the manager of the restaurant. He's dressed to the nines, probably in his 40s. Just, you know, one of these people that you can tell they love, love, love taking care of people. Like, the service is immaculate. Takes a lot of pride in that. So we have this fabulous meal, we're getting up, we've paid the bill, and he comes back, and he asks us how the meal was. And I, of course, just, I'm so effusive. I mean, even more so than I was with you describing this meal. And he's nodding and smiling, and then he leans in and says, "You know, I'm a really big fan of yours, and I just love your podcast." And I looked at him, and I, I, I, I, I of course, got the thank you out, and I gave him a huge hug. But between you and me, I couldn't believe this guy. Like that, that's so cool. It's so cool that this guy, like, dressed to the nines, like working the, like I, I'm just like, I never in a million years, like, would've like seen him and then been like, "Oh, you must be a fan, like, clearly, you're li-" I, I just am constantly floored at how wide of a range of people listen to, and are part of and love this community. I just was so excited, you know, that I was meeting another fan, and it was somebody that I was so excited to be having listening. So he then says something that I have heard approximately one million times. It is the most consistent piece of feedback anyone anywhere gives me. Can you guess what it is? "Mel, you know what I like about you? You're just so real. You're so authentic. Like, I just feel like everything you talk about is so relatable. How did you become so comfortable being yourself?" And the truth is, for a long time, the answer is, "I don't know, I guess spending decades hating myself?" That was fun. No, it wasn't. Spending decades trying to please everybody else, spending decades assuming my opinion wasn't the right one so I got to change it in order to have people like it, assuming that there was something wrong with me. I went through life for a very long time being the least authentic version of myself, and it made me miserable. And I think it was the pain of trying so hard to be somebody else that finally led me to this breakthrough. Holy shit.It's so liberating and it's so much easier if you can accept yourself for who you are, and for who you're not, that's an important part of it. And if you can give yourself permission to be that authentic version of yourself out in the world, to have your opinions, to wear the things that you want to wear, to dance when you want to dance, to opt out of something if you want to opt out of something, to not hang out with people that don't feel great for you. That's what it means for me to be the most authentic version of myself. I allow myself the grace and the support and the encouragement of just showing up as I am. And since I really don't know how to teach you to do that for yourself, I thought, "Why don't we track down an expert?" Because I'm getting more and more and more questions in the inbox, "How do I become the most authentic version of myself?" Here's the other, uh, question that I get a lot. "I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore." Well, what I do know when you're saying that is you're not the most authentic version of yourself, for sure, because you're not connected to yourself. And so, I tracked down a profoundly respected expert on the topic of authenticity and belonging. Ritu Bhasin has been researching these two topics. She has written a best-selling book about them. She is teaching these topics on stages and with the biggest brands around the world, and today, she is going to teach you and me a three-part framework for developing the most authentic version of yourself. She's also gonna cover some very specific takeaways about how you can still tap into that authenticity, even in public places, like at work or in relationships or out at networking meetings or whatever. And we're also gonna talk about ways that you can manage the rejection that you will face from your family, from friends, from people who know the old you, the people pleaser you, the insecure you, and more importantly, what to do to support yourself as you start showing up more and more as your full, authentic self out in the world, and some people don't like it. I can't wait to have this conversation because I think you're gonna get a lot of insight, and more importantly, tools about reconnecting with the most authentic, relatable, and real version of yourself. All right, let's do this. Ritu, I'm so excited that you're here.

   2. RBRitu Bhasin8:37

      Thank you so much for having me, Mel. I'm excited to be here too.

   3. MRMel Robbins8:40

      And I also wanted to thank you for something very specific.

   4. RBRitu Bhasin8:47

      Tell me.

   5. MRMel Robbins8:49

      (laughs) I am genuinely grateful that you created a YouTube video that demonstrated the proper pronunciation of your name, including tips for how to get the second th part of your name done correctly. I cannot thank you enough for that. I grew up with the, uh, last name Schneberger, and when people would look at those 12 letters and the mouthful that that was, they would completely turn it into word salad. And so, (laughs) I live with the anxiety that I'm gonna mispronounce somebody's name, and I think that's so cool. Why did you do that?

2. 9:38 – 13:47

   Why Ritu wanted to make an entire video about how to pronounce her name.

   1. MRMel Robbins9:38

   2. RBRitu Bhasin9:39

      Well, it was borne out of necessity, Mel, because with a name like Ritu Bhasin, which, by the way, let me take a step back. So, my parents are from India. We're Indian by culture. They immigrated now over 50 years ago to Canada, which is where I live. I'm Canadian. And after decades and decades of having people anglicize my name and pronounce my name as Re-too, at the age of 30, I decided that I'm going to stand in my power, claim my belonging as it relates to my name, and have people pronounce it the proper way, which is Ritu, and my last name is pronounced Bhasin. And it was a mission to get every single person in my life to say it correctly, and a successful mis- mission, so good for me for making that happen. But now that I'm a professional speaker, and I'm on stages and podcasting and blah, blah, blah, what I was noticing is that it actually causes people anxiety to say my name, uh, incorrectly, and I thought, "You know what? I should just help the- help people out and let me create this video and so that people can learn to practice." And it's- it alleviates stress and tension for them, and it helps me as well because part of me standing in my power and being who I am and claiming my identity is having people say it correctly. And then the last thing I'll mention here, Mel, related to this is that I don't need people to say it 100% correctly. I just need to know that you're signaling that you care 'cause this is what empathy is about. It's the, "Do you see me? Do you care? Are you paying attention to what's important to me?" So, people don't need to nail it and say it the Brown way. I just need to know that people are trying. You know what I mean?

   3. MRMel Robbins11:22

      Well, there's so much in what you just said, which is why I wanted to start here.

   4. RBRitu Bhasin11:26

      Hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins11:26

      So, you are an expert in belonging and in authenticity, and the courage that it takes to realize that it bothers you that people are saying your first name incorrectly, and standing in your power to do something about it without... and, and realizing that, you know, when people get it wrong, they feel terrible about it, but both standing in your power, which is one thing, and that's the piece of it that's authenticity, right-... like there's something that feels off-

   6. RBRitu Bhasin12:04

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins12:04

      ... when through your whole life people are saying your name, Ritu. Did I say it right? Did I, am I getting it?

   8. RBRitu Bhasin12:11

      You nailed it. Yes.

   9. MRMel Robbins12:12

      Okay. Yes. I was practicing.

   10. RBRitu Bhasin12:15

       Nailed it.

   11. NANarrator12:15

       So good.

   12. MRMel Robbins12:15

       I even, y- y- you even gave me the tip of sticking my tongue against the top of my teeth.

   13. RBRitu Bhasin12:20

       Yeah.

   14. MRMel Robbins12:20

       But I noticed, if I stick it to the top of my teeth, I didn't quite get it right, 'cause it's too sharp, and so I noticed I had to lower it a little bit more-

   15. RBRitu Bhasin12:29

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins12:29

       ... to get the proper sound.

   17. RBRitu Bhasin12:30

       Well, everyone's gum lines and dental-

   18. MRMel Robbins12:33

       Yeah.

   19. RBRitu Bhasin12:33

       ... workings be different, but yes.

   20. MRMel Robbins12:35

       Yes.

   21. RBRitu Bhasin12:35

       We're aiming for top two teeth.

   22. MRMel Robbins12:36

       Yes. And so, the thing though that I loved about this is that there's the piece of you standing in your power, right? And then there's the piece of you graciously creating a video, so that in your professional life, in your personal life, you've explained and helped people in having you feel this sense of belonging and being seen. And when I think about the topic of both authenticity and how to be your truest, most powerful self, this is so difficult for people, and I see it everywhere, this inability to stand in your power. I know so many people, and you listening to us may be one of them, that if you order coffee at a coffee shop and they get your order on, your order wrong, you don't say something. Because you don't want to make waves. You don't want people to not like you. You don't want the person behind the counter to feel bad. You don't want to hold up the line. And there's an element of being able to stand in your power

3. 13:47 – 17:02

   What it means to stand in your power.

   1. MRMel Robbins13:47

      and ask for what you need that is part of being your truest authentic self. Correct?

   2. RBRitu Bhasin13:56

      1000%. And in fact, one of the things I can tell you based on my own journey, which is one that... Before those of you joining us today think that, oh, Ritu, you've always been this way. You always have, have known how to embrace your authenticity and, and claim your belonging. The answer to that is absolutely not. In fact, I have struggled. I struggled for decades to embrace who I am and be who I am. But as I learned to, to do my healing work and stand more, more in my power, what I realized is that every action, every micro behavior that I engage in is one step forward to me fully embracing who I am and claiming belonging for myself. And whether that is the barista at the coffee shop or the customer service person at the airport or the person on the phone, um, uh, for my internet problems. Like, it... Or family members or my leader or my team members or my clients or my cus- customers. The big stakes. There's the low stakes, big stakes. Every single act, every behavior I engage in is an, is, is a chain reaction for me claiming my authenticity and belonging. And so, but it took me, like mal-... It took me years to finally make this happen for myself.

   3. MRMel Robbins15:18

      How did you know that you weren't your authentic self? Because I, I ask that question, it may seem kind of dumb, but when we use the words authenticity and belonging, I think those are the kind of words that are intellectual, and so they, they, without, like, a real life tangible example, it sort of floats over all of our heads. And so I want to start with the piece of authenticity and really help the person listening understand what you're talking about and how you even know if you're your authentic self or not.

   4. RBRitu Bhasin15:56

      Yeah. S- it's such an important question. I'm going to tell you a really quick story. I mentioned it in my new book, We've Got This, because it's a powerful example of how these moments can happen for us, where when we're tuned in, we can clock the behavior, and I think being intentional and mindful and tuned in is critical. Like self-reflection, self-awareness, huge. So just in a nutshell, uh, so I'm the child of immigrants. From a very young age, I experienced relentless bullying, childhood bullying, and, and it was racist in particular. Plus I had cultural confusion based on how my parents were like, "How white should we make her? How, how Indian should we push them to be?" And so between the cultural confusion and the shielding myself from the hate and hurt coming my way as a kid because of being bullied, I learned to put on multiple masks, and I per- I learned to push down my identities and I learned to curate what I call a performing self. And when I say performing self, I don't mean like high performance. I mean like life is a stage, we're actors on the stage performing who we are as

4. 17:02 – 22:37

   Are you masking your true identity?

   1. RBRitu Bhasin17:02

      opposed to being who we are. I did this as a child to she- shield from hurt and harm. I became a lawyer, I entered the legal profession, and as a young woman of color navigating the corporate world, I noticed that the messages around conformity were never direct like being bullied as a kid, but they were always there subtly. And so I became a master at shifting codes and, and hiding, curating what I'll talk about at work and what I'll mask on and taking on the hobbies of like the corporate world that were like really popular and, and, but I hated. And I did all of this to fit in. And I'm using air quotes for those listening and a- not watching. Like "fit in" because I can tell you now that changing who we are, masking aspects of our identity will never yield, never be the same as actual belonging. Like yes, some doors to acceptance will open, but it's not the same-

   2. MRMel Robbins17:55

      Okay.

   3. RBRitu Bhasin17:56

      ... as actually belonging.

   4. MRMel Robbins17:57

      I want to, I want to stop right there because I think that's part of the confusion for most of us.

   5. RBRitu Bhasin18:03

      Yes.

   6. MRMel Robbins18:04

      Where you...... innately, whether it's because you want to have friends, or you don't want to get picked on (laughs) , or you don't want to feel lonely, or you want to climb the corporate ladder, or you want to get a job, innately, we seek to fit in.

   7. RBRitu Bhasin18:21

      Yes.

   8. MRMel Robbins18:22

      And there are varying degrees to which we compromise our true selves. You're talking about something I've never had to personally deal with as a White woman. I've never had to do that code switching because of environments where it was all White because I, you know, blended into that area.

   9. RBRitu Bhasin18:42

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins18:42

       I understand what you're talking about when it comes to the subconscious cues because as dumb as it sounds, I do remember being a corporate lawyer at a time where women didn't wear skirts. I mean, excuse me-

   11. RBRitu Bhasin18:54

       Yeah. What's that?

   12. MRMel Robbins18:54

       ...where women didn't wear pants. And that is a, a very benign (laughs) and superficial example of fitting in somewhere because I think I have to fit in in order to succeed.

   13. RBRitu Bhasin19:12

       Yes.

   14. MRMel Robbins19:12

       And so, everybody, regardless of your background, you have some example, whether it is deep around your identity, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your gender-

   15. RBRitu Bhasin19:23

       Right.

   16. MRMel Robbins19:25

       ...or you have examples that are very superficial.

   17. RBRitu Bhasin19:28

       Right.

   18. MRMel Robbins19:29

       But what I really want you to explain for everybody right now is, what's the difference between fitting into a group or a culture at work, versus belonging to that group of fi- friends, or belonging to that team and that culture at work?

   19. RBRitu Bhasin19:49

       It is entirely rooted in how you feel, Mel. You know, oftentimes, we think that the mind goes first, but it's actually the body. Our body will signal to us how we're doing, or how we're experiencing a situation or a person before our mind even catches up. And so, we want to, after today, start using our body as a guidepost for an anchor for how we're feeling. And so, I define belonging really quickly as the profound feeling, so again, it's something in our body, that says to us, "I'm being honored and accepted for who I am." When we are experiencing belonging, we feel in flow.

   20. MRMel Robbins20:32

       Hmm.

   21. RBRitu Bhasin20:32

       Like, we feel at ease, we feel safe. It feels good, it feels nice. Even when it feels vulnerable, like even when we're feeling a bit nervous and activated because it's like, "Oh my gosh, I'm worried, what are you going to think and say?" But I'm still going to share me and do me. It feels good. Whereas fitting in is activating. Like, you'll, I often talk about when, when we feel the pressure to put on our performing self mask and change the way we speak or hide aspects of our identity. Like, for example, I experienced a lot of, uh, inequities and hate and hurt, hurt coming my way tied back to my race and intersectionality with being a girl, a smart girl, or a woman, and coming from a immigrant child family upbringing. But people experience all kinds of judgment and bias tied back to, for example, mental health. Like, look at people's experiences with anxiety, depression, or you grew up poor, or you're the first person in your family to, to go to college or university, or w- or some people feel like they're so short, tall, they're bigger. Like, we are being judged. The, the fear of judgment and bias, like, people actually judging us based on who we are, that's what strikes at our ability to belong. When we worry, based on my work and research I can tell you, when we worry that you're going to judge me, you're going to take your love away from me, you're going to take opportunities away from me, that's what causes us to suppress our authenticity. And it strikes at our belonging.

   22. MRMel Robbins22:07

       Hmm.

   23. RBRitu Bhasin22:07

       And so, that's what pushes us to feel like, "I got to put this performing self mask on, curate who I am, change the way I speak, change what I talk about, change the way I dress. Not tell you about my anxiety, depression, or, uh, who I really want to love, or how I view my gender, or how unwell my parents were, or the, the really crappy neighborhood I grew up in." Whatever the fear is, it's what causes us to curate

5. 22:37 – 27:41

   Feeling comfortable with yourself vs. hiding who you really are..

   1. RBRitu Bhasin22:37

      and sanitize, and so we hide our emotions, we hide our behaviors. And we do this not because we're evil human beings trying to deceive others. We do this to shield and protect ourselves from judgment, which is one of the reasons, Mel, why I don't use the word "inauthentic" ever. I feel like the term "inauthentic," like, my first book, The Authenticity Principle, I, I wrote in it, the term "inauthentic" or "inauthenticity," in my view, has a lot of negatives, uh, connotations to it. It's like you're deliberately trying to mislead people about who you are. My work and research has shown me, and I can tell you my per- own personal experience, is that when we put on our perso- performing self masks, we don't do it because we're trying to mislead people. We do it because of hurt and woundedness-

   2. MRMel Robbins23:25

      Mm-hmm.

   3. RBRitu Bhasin23:26

      ...do it because of pain. We do it because we're afraid others will take their love away. And you know what? It's not a figment of our imagination. It's because people in the past have taken their love away from us, and we worry it'll happen again. But as we do our healing work and we stand in our power, we start to realize a life that is created and rooted in belonging, where I feel in flow because I get to be who I am around you, even if you'll judge me, I'm gonna do it anyways-

   4. MRMel Robbins23:58

      (laughs)

   5. RBRitu Bhasin23:59

      ...is so much more rich and beautiful than a life of literally walking around with that mask on all the time. And I can tell you, I'm not even effing joking 'cause I did that for decades. This life that I'm leading, it's harder to live because it's more intentional and mindful.... but it is so much more beautiful and worth it.

   6. MRMel Robbins24:22

      There is so much wisdom and beauty that you just dropped on all of us, okay? Like, just a beautiful gift. And I want to try to unpack it, because there is so much layered in what you just talked about, and it is so important to me that as you're listening to us, that you're able to grasp these concepts and start to see where this is applicable in your own life. And the word I keep thinking about that you used is activated.

   7. RBRitu Bhasin24:53

      Yes.

   8. MRMel Robbins24:53

      So, you said when you feel like you belong, you have this state of flow. I would also guess that other words that people say is that they're very present.

   9. RBRitu Bhasin25:05

      Yep.

   10. MRMel Robbins25:05

       That their minds are not racing ahead, that there is nothing in the moment that you need to manage.

   11. RBRitu Bhasin25:13

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins25:13

       And that there is this peace and freedom.

   13. RBRitu Bhasin25:17

       Yeah, like, anchoring. Like, you're, you're calm, you're anchored.

   14. MRMel Robbins25:20

       Yep.

   15. RBRitu Bhasin25:20

       There's the absence of the panic or anxiousness or ac- or activation.

   16. MRMel Robbins25:26

       Yes. And the activation is an interesting word, because I can think to certain friend groups that I was a part of, or certain people I was dating, or certain classes, for example, that I was taking in college, or certain jobs that I hated, where, uh, the moment I was walking into the classroom or into work, or I was sitting at a table with my supposed friends, in air quotes, I was not anchored and at peace.

   17. RBRitu Bhasin25:59

       No.

   18. MRMel Robbins25:59

       I was so active in my mind, and thinking about other things, and worried about something, and not able to feel anchored or at peace in those experiences. And I personally believe, based on the number of people that write in, and the size of the audience on, uh, our social channels and the podcast, that most people have a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute experience of being activated.

   19. RBRitu Bhasin26:31

       Yes.

   20. MRMel Robbins26:31

       And not belonging.

   21. RBRitu Bhasin26:33

       Yes.

   22. MRMel Robbins26:35

       How does somebody know? And I want you listening to us. I want you to think about, where is the easiest place for somebody to spot this for themselves, so that they can recognize a place in their life where they're not able to be their authentic self, and where they get into this particular part of their life, and it's very activating?

   23. RBRitu Bhasin26:58

       So, I love, love, love, love, love this question for so many reasons. So, first of all, in my book, We've Got This, I introduce this concept, which I call our core wisdom. And in fact, Mel, if you said to me, "Ritu, tell everyone today, what is the number one thing that you did to bring more belonging and authenticity into your life, to bring more ease, and joy, and flow, and peace into your life?"

   24. MRMel Robbins27:27

       Yes.

   25. RBRitu Bhasin27:27

       What, what was that?

   26. MRMel Robbins27:28

       Ritu, tell us the number one thing that you did to bring more joy (laughs) and peace and peace into your life. I can pick up what you're putting down, woman. So, tell us-

   27. RBRitu Bhasin27:38

       Okay.

   28. MRMel Robbins27:38

       ... 'cause I wanna know.

   29. RBRitu Bhasin27:40

       A- and by the way, it's

6. 27:41 – 35:34

   The #1 thing Ritu did to bring more belonging and authenticity into her life.

   1. RBRitu Bhasin27:41

      a, I'm a work in progress, everyone. Before you think, like, "Oh, wow, Ritu, like, really has it all figured out. Her life is, like, perfect," and whatever. I would tell you, like, I'm, my life feels like it's a fucking mess all the time, and I'm, like, constantly feeling overwhelmed, and, and, and, and. However, I am always anchored to who I am. Like, I often will say, "Here I am anchored. The good swirls around me. The bad, the ugly, everything is swirling around me, and I am anchored." And why? The number one thing that I did to bring more authenticity, belonging and joy into my life is cultivate what I call my core wisdom.

   2. MRMel Robbins28:18

      What the hell is that?

   3. RBRitu Bhasin28:19

      Yeah. Right, right. Good, good question. So, your, our core wisdom is the inner knowing that pushes us to tune into ourselves and say to ourselves, in any situation, any interaction, any moment we're in, whether it's a moment of joy or a mo- moment of feeling stressed, or a moment of deep pain, whatever it is, we tune in, and we say to ourselves, "What's my mind saying right now?" And in a moment of joy, we'll be saying, "Oh, I feel so good. This feels really good." Or, "I really like her." Like, for example, right now, I'm really enjoying this. But in a stressful moment, it'll say, "Oh, my God. I'm such a loser. See? I'm always a loser, and I can tell he's judging me, and this is why I shouldn't speak, and no, don't speak, and I knew you didn't like me." I'm... So, we hear the, the narratives in the head-

   4. MRMel Robbins29:04

      Okay.

   5. RBRitu Bhasin29:04

      ... or the mind. We hear the voice. The c- our core wisdom also pushes us to say, "What am I feeling in my body?" So, let's go back to what I was sharing earlier. Belonging is a feeling. A lack of belonging is a feeling. What is the difference between fitting in and actually being who we are? You'll know the difference based on what your body is telling you. So, our core wisdom says, "In this moment, in this experience, what is my body feeling and sensing?" And we start to tune in. We feel the stress in our chest, and we'll feel that we're starting to sweat, and we'll feel the heat on our face. And then, coupled with the negative narratives in our, in our head, like, "You're a loser. You suck. See? Don't speak. Don't be who you are. They're gonna judge you." We hear all of this and feel all of this happening, and in that moment, we leap into using our core wisdom strategies, which i- which include le- "Oh, no, nega- inner saboteur, I'm not gonna let you talk to me that way." And we have our affirmations, or our mantras, our self-coaching ready to go, because we're like, "No way. Ritu Bhasin, stand in your power. Ritu Bhasin, speak." Or my favorite thing, "Ritu Bhasin, you've got this. If you don't speak, who will?" So, then my a- my affirmations and mantras start going....but then my body is still activated.

   6. MRMel Robbins30:28

      Yeah.

   7. RBRitu Bhasin30:29

      So, then I start doing my deep breathing work in that moment and I start this deep, deep breathing. I take my hands, I rub it on my thighs or put it on my chest, rub my fingers. I feel the tears coming up and I say, "Cry. Let it out. Let it out. Oh, you don't want to do it right here because they're watching, you don't feel comfortable? That's okay. Come back to this later." It's called emotional release or emotional discharge. Goes back to the activation. When we feel like we're being judged, what's actually happening in the body is that as human beings, we're animals and we're governed by our nervous systems. All day long, our nervous systems are clocking for harmful things in the environment. Back in the d- the day, although for some people, I- I think maybe you, um, Mel, given how you're e- early morning hikes. We're clocking for bear- bears and forests.

   8. MRMel Robbins31:18

      (laughs)

   9. RBRitu Bhasin31:19

      Okay? Most of us are not clocking for bears and forests. What's happening is, "Oh, see, you didn't say my name right," or, "You rolled your eyes when I was speaking," or, "You raised your eyebrow when you saw what I was wearing," or, "You keep interrupting me," or, "I hear the tone in your voice when you're talking to me versus talking to him." Whatever it is, those disrespects, those hurtful things that we're clocking, the body intakes as attacks. It's not the same as being attacked to- by a bear, but it doesn't matter. The body's like, "See, you don't like me," and that's what causes this activation.

   10. MRMel Robbins31:53

       Mm-hmm.

   11. RBRitu Bhasin31:54

       And when this is happening, energy is generated in the body which could show up as trembling sh- shaking because we're so shocked or we're so upset. Could be tears, but the problem is, as humans, we override. And so, what happens is the surge of energy comes up, the activation, the tears want to start. We want to start shaking, trembling, let out a moan or a cry, but we say, "No, don't do that because you'll be judged," and we push those sensations down. Our core wisdom says to us, "Come back to it." So, for example, I literally, after I've had a stressful thing happen or I'm grieving right now because my mother is dying of Alzheimer's, I have... All day long, I feel the grief and I'm like, "No, you're at work. Keep going, keep going." But I come back to the moment later in the evening and I'll take my m- memory back to my mom or whatever has happened during the day that it's difficult and then I'll put on my music, my calming music. I'll feel the tears come up and I let the tears out and I cry and let it out. Why? Because I don't want that energy to be trapped in me. But the other thing I'll mention here as it ties to our core wisdom is that I also do this with joy, because I feel like for a lot of us, we have capacity or we, we spend a lot of time with the pain and what we're not doing enough of is spending time with the joy. And joy isn't just a mind thing. "Oh, this is so nice and I'm really enjoying this and isn't this experience with my family pretty and nice?" It's the actually feeling it in my body. And then the very last thing I'll say about core wisdom is that, first of all, it can be developed. The more we do it, we develop it. It's like a muscle, of course. Is that... We want to develop our core wisdom so that we build more settled nervous systems so that we are more settled, so that we're less likely to be activated. And when we are triggered by the horrible shit that happens to us, we're able to address it. And so, so there, there... Like many experiences in life, there is no blue pill or red pill that we can take and like, "Oh, look at that incident, I am healed." It's not like that. It's a journey. But the better we get, the better and better we get, the less rattled we are and the happier we are, or more joyful. Let's say more joyful.

   12. MRMel Robbins34:14

       Let me see if I can, um, translate that to two examples.

   13. RBRitu Bhasin34:18

       Yeah.

   14. MRMel Robbins34:18

       So, let's just say an example that everybody can relate to, and it's that you have a friend group and you recognize as you're listening to this conversation that you are very activated within this friend group.

   15. RBRitu Bhasin34:34

       Yeah.

   16. MRMel Robbins34:34

       You're always worried about what you're gonna wear. You're typing your texts to them three or four times and then deleting it, putting a lot of emojis. And you are out to dinner with this friend group and you realize, "Oh my gosh, they've made plans to go away for the weekend two weeks from now and I'm not invited with them."

   17. RBRitu Bhasin34:57

       Yes.

   18. MRMel Robbins34:57

       And you have that moment where the buzzing really starts. Your face turns bright red. You feel the lump in your throat. And you immediately do what we all do which is either just take a big slug of your margarita or excuse yourself and go cry like a child in the, uh, stall of the bathroom.

   19. RBRitu Bhasin35:19

       Yep. Yep.

   20. MRMel Robbins35:19

       Or you just shove it down and pretend you don't care.

   21. RBRitu Bhasin35:24

       Yep.

   22. MRMel Robbins35:24

       In that moment, is there anything subtle (laughs) or not subtle that you would recommend that somebody do, or is it easier

7. 35:34 – 38:08

   3 steps to conquer uncomfortable situations.

   1. MRMel Robbins35:34

      to come back to it when you're alone so that you can be freer in how you process it? Like, what do you recommend to people who are just starting-

   2. RBRitu Bhasin35:43

      Yes.

   3. MRMel Robbins35:44

      ...to become aware of this and tap into that?

   4. RBRitu Bhasin35:47

      Yes. So, in We've Got This, my new book, I talk about planning in advance of situations happening because here's the thing, everyone. In the moment when we're activated and the shutdown starts, it's really hard in that moment to be like, "Okay, here's what I'm gonna do," because in that moment, we literally feel like we're gonna cry or throw up or we want to run from the building or we want to die. Like, literally. And after the fact, yes, let's come back to it, but in advance of situations happening, we plan out what we will do when that difficult moment arises. So, first of all, I call it scripting. There are three things I want to leave you with.

   5. MRMel Robbins36:24

      Yep.

   6. RBRitu Bhasin36:25

      Step one, script.Scripting is the act of planning out in advance if a situation happening, "What is it that I'm gonna say in this moment when something difficult happens for me, to me?" Or let's say you're gonna tell someone you're dating that you love them for the first time, and you're like, "I know this is gonna be hard for me. I know I'm probably gonna shut down and I'll get nervous." Scripting is the act of planning out what you're gonna say in advance. Because what happens is we move it from conscious brain into unconscious brain. In the moment when we are activated, we're like, "Oh my God, I'm so nervous," it's like, the words will be there. Why? Because you p- implanted them in your brain for future retrieval. So, we always script out what we're gonna say in these moments in advance. And, like, have myriad versions of them. I, I... By the way, you're like, "Ritu, where do you do your scripting?" Like, you can do it at your desk and write it down. I do it in the shower. I do it while I'm walking down the street, after some-

   7. MRMel Robbins37:18

      So, it can be both mental or written down.

   8. RBRitu Bhasin37:21

      Yes. I mean, it's better, uh, it's always better, everyone, to write things down.

   9. MRMel Robbins37:25

      Why?

   10. RBRitu Bhasin37:25

       Like the ac-... Uh, there's a cognitive process that happens in the brain, it ties back to neuroscience, uh, that enables us to engage in better information retention. But here's the thing, if someone were to say to me, "I'm not gonna write it down," fine. I'd rather than you just practice it in your head at least. Something is better than nothing. Do something everyone. So s- step number one, script. Step number two, choose out. W- choose in advance, "What am I gonna say to myself in that situation," like self-coaching. When the moment happens and I feel the shutdown start, "What am I gonna say to myself?" So, you choose your affirmations or mantras in advance, always in advance. And so for example, I already modeled a few. I like

8. 38:08 – 41:58

   The mantra that Ritu repeats to herself to stay in control.

   1. RBRitu Bhasin38:08

      to say to myself, "Ritu Bhasin, stand in your power," and the reason that really works for me is because for decades, I didn't stand in my power-

   2. MRMel Robbins38:15

      Mm-hmm.

   3. RBRitu Bhasin38:15

      ... and I'm now all about it. Like, I'm like, "I'm standing in my power. I don't give an F what's happening around me." Or, "Ritu Bhasin, you've got this." I love that. Or, "You can do this. I am worthy." You choose your month or affirmation, whatever's gonna work for you, in advance. The third thing we do, and this is important because let's remember, the body leads, not the mind. We say to ourself, "When I get activated, what am I gonna do to settle myself in my body?" So for me in particular, it's breath work. In fact, if you said to me, "What's the number one thing I can do for my body to calm myself in any situation?" It's deep belly breathing. You can just go to Dr. Google and put in deep belly breathing. I talk about belly breathing in both my books. That deep, calm breath, focusing on the exhalation in particular, because it engages the parasympathetic or the flow part of our system, the exhalations. And the, the reason I love breath work to calm ourselves in situations is you're breathing anyways, number one. You might as well do it in a better, more effective, healthy, productive way, and no one can see you doing it. So if you're worried that, like, I would say, like, I, I put my h- heart, hand on my heart a lot, or I'll, like, rub my leg, or I'll just give myself a quick, like, embrace. Like, I'll be like, "You're good. You're safe." You're telling your body you're safe. If you're like, "I can't do that in front of people," I hear that.

   4. MRMel Robbins39:33

      Right.

   5. RBRitu Bhasin39:33

      Then just start your deep breathing. And so those three things, you have your scripts, you have your self-coaching, self-coaching affirmations ready to go, and you've told yourself, "As soon as I feel activated, I'm gonna start this body work in this situation to calm myself," the very last thing we do is we visualize. So in advance, we picture ourselves doing these three things. Why? We're p- implanting, let's go back to neuroscience, future patterns of behavior, and we go into situations with these tools so that way we're ready, we're ready to go. And o- one thing I'll mention here, because I get asked this all the time in, during my interviews, "Ritu, isn't it unfair that I'm the one having to deal with horrible shit? Like, negative, hate's coming my way. Um, people are being mean. Inequities, sex- sexism, racism, homophobia. Like, why do I have to plan out in advance?" And I hear that. And in fact, in social justice circles, we call this the burden of the o- oppressed. It's like, "Bad things are happening to me, and then I have to prepare for them." And I hear that and I honor that. And I would still say I would rather us go into situations prepared to stand in our power. Why? Because this is what it looks like to claim belonging. And secondly and more importantly, it feels beautiful when we come out on the other side having used our scripts and we s- did what we were planning on doing. And then the very last thing I'll mention here is, because I do a lot of work on allyship too, we cl- uh, we claim belonging for ourselves, but we also have to create belonging for others. Especially, uh, i- in the last few years with the spotlight on are you being an upstander or bystander, like when if things are happening around you where you're like, "That's not right. That's disrespectful," and we stand silently as we watch things happen around us. We can also plan it in advance for those situations. We plan out what we're gonna say the next time we hear something inappropriate.

   6. MRMel Robbins41:36

      Mm-hmm.

   7. RBRitu Bhasin41:36

      We can think, "This is what I'm gonna say to myself. Oh, I shouldn't say it, it's a stranger. I, I can't say that to my family member at Sunday dinner 'cause they're gonna hate me," and then it'll be like, "No, here's what I'm gonna say to myself when I start to shut down. Here's how I'm gonna calm my body." We picture the visualization of it so that we can help to do this so that other people at the table who are rightfully shut down because

9. 41:58 – 45:59

   How to make others feel like they belong, too, and why that matters.

   1. RBRitu Bhasin41:58

      of inappropriate things being said, we can be an ally by using the same, um, three steps. So, these are the three must dos in advance of situations.

   2. MRMel Robbins42:07

      I love this. And just so everyone listening understands, because I wanna be sure that we're visualizing the right thing, you gave us two examples. The first example being you're gonna tell somebody that you love them for the very first time, which is clearly a very activating moment, even if you think they're gonna say it back and respond positively. We all have that moment where we're like, "Oh, should I say it? Should I not say? Is it too soon? What are the, how are they gonna respond?"

   3. RBRitu Bhasin42:35

      Yeah.

   4. MRMel Robbins42:37

      In order to stand in your power, you're saying, to rehearse how you're going to be in your power, even if you say, "I love you," and the person's face goes blank, and they say nothing back, and then you realize they're not going to say it back-

   5. RBRitu Bhasin43:01

      Yes.

   6. MRMel Robbins43:02

      ... and you visualize that very activating rejection-

   7. RBRitu Bhasin43:08

      Yes.

   8. MRMel Robbins43:08

      ... and you, by visualizing it, you are socializing your brain to be able to be powerful. And you will also know, and will have rehearsed and have encoded in your subconscious-

   9. RBRitu Bhasin43:21

      Got it.

   10. MRMel Robbins43:21

       ... how you're gonna show up in that moment. And I wanna be clear-

   11. RBRitu Bhasin43:24

       You got-

   12. MRMel Robbins43:24

       ... about something because I know we're gonna get this question. You are not manifesting the bad thing to happen. That's not what's happening, right? (laughs)

   13. RBRitu Bhasin43:36

       No.

   14. MRMel Robbins43:36

       You're doing something else. So, so, can you just explain for this example how this is different than attracting the bad thing to happen?

   15. RBRitu Bhasin43:46

       Yeah, absolutely. So, so, it's kind of like decision tree-ing it.

   16. MRMel Robbins43:51

       Mm-hmm.

   17. RBRitu Bhasin43:52

       So, we go into a situation knowing we're gonna have a conversation with someone, and it's like, "If they say this, here's what I'm gonna say back." If they say... Uh, the choose your own adventure flow. If they say this, I'm gonna say this. If they say this, I'm gonna say this. And so, we literally decision tree out what the conversation could look like or might be. But this isn't about manifestation... Sorry. This isn't about manifesting negativity. We are always going into a situation creating, putting energy towards the outcome we want. We are always in that place where we are driving our intention and the impact to be the y- uh, you're having an aha.

   18. MRMel Robbins44:40

       I am having a big aha moment.

   19. RBRitu Bhasin44:41

       Tell me about your aha.

   20. MRMel Robbins44:43

       By rehearsing the worst case scenario and preparing to stand in your power, you are aligning (laughs) with what you want most-

   21. RBRitu Bhasin44:53

       Precisely.

   22. MRMel Robbins44:54

       ... which is the ability to express your love freely.

   23. RBRitu Bhasin44:58

       Precisely.

   24. MRMel Robbins44:59

       And-

   25. RBRitu Bhasin45:00

       You, nailed it. Yes.

   26. MRMel Robbins45:00

       So, the, so the, the second example that you gave is, though, also very important, which is training yourself to be upstanding in those moments, which means to speak up when you see something going down that is-

   27. RBRitu Bhasin45:19

       Yes.

   28. MRMel Robbins45:19

       ... racist or that's insulting or that is discriminatory or that's just downright rude.

   29. RBRitu Bhasin45:25

       Yes.

   30. MRMel Robbins45:25

       You see somebody getting shut down. It might even be that, that, uh, somebody on your team g- is getting interrupted in a meeting.
10. 45:59 – 49:54

    The only thing you can control are your actions.

    1. RBRitu Bhasin45:59

       matters more is not how someone responds to how we're behaving. What matters is that we behaved in a way that's in alignment with our truth.

    2. MRMel Robbins46:12

       Hmm.

    3. RBRitu Bhasin46:12

       If someone's uncomfortable with our truth, that is on them. What we need to deeply anchor to is that I did me. I told you I loved you because that is my truth. You may not have received it in the way that I wanted you to receive it, but I am now free and liberated because I spoke my truth about how I'm feeling.

    4. MRMel Robbins46:39

       Hmm.

    5. RBRitu Bhasin46:40

       And in fact, someone else's reaction and response to us saying, "I love you," if it's not in alignment with how we're feeling, that's not even actually about us in the end anyways. They have their own thing going on that is doing something to them that may not w- w- give them the capacity to love us back in the way we need to be loved. That doesn't matter in the end. Like, yes, it matters in the moment. It really hurts, and I'd be the first to tell you, how many times have I told someone I love them or wanna date them and I've been rejected. Like, the list goes on. But it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, I spoke my truth, and all of this was part of my healing and growth journey.

    6. MRMel Robbins47:22

       I think this is why the topic of authenticity is so hard for everybody to grasp, because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself.

    7. RBRitu Bhasin47:35

       Yes.

    8. MRMel Robbins47:35

       It's about you being able to show up in your full self-expression, in your full power, and not edit, censor, silence, or somehow be different because you're worried about how other people are gonna react. And so, in the case of the... So, in the example of telling somebody that, "I love you," if you are truly authentic and you're standing in your full authentic self, it would be authentic for you to tell somebody that you love them without any attachment to what they say back. Because it's not-

    9. RBRitu Bhasin48:19

       Right.

    10. MRMel Robbins48:20

        ... about you saying it in order to get the response. It's about you saying it because that is what's true for you.

    11. RBRitu Bhasin48:28

        You got it.

    12. MRMel Robbins48:29

        And, and, and so I wanna pivot, because we've talked about belonging and we've talked about how to tell when you're in a situation where you're trying to fit in versus you truly belong. We've talked about that sort of activation that happens when you're in friendships or you're in a relationship or in a work setting where you know you're fitting in but you don't truly belong.But in order to get to belonging, we have to go through the personal journey of authenticity first. And in your first book, you identified the three different versions we have of ourself. And I love frameworks like this-

    13. RBRitu Bhasin49:12

        Yes.

    14. MRMel Robbins49:12

        ... because they are so helpful in allowing us to locate which version of ourselves are we being right now.

    15. RBRitu Bhasin49:21

        Yeah.

    16. MRMel Robbins49:21

        And when you know which version you're being of the three, you now have the ability to choose whether or not you're gonna stay in that version, or you're gonna swing toward the authentic you. So can you walk us through what are the three versions of ourselves? And then we're gonna take them one at a time.

    17. RBRitu Bhasin49:41

        Got it. So, it's called the Three Selves Framework, and I developed this framework based on my work and research because I was finding that people were, in situations in the workplace, in relationships where these, the, the

11. 49:54 – 52:44

    You have 3 versions of your "self" - here’s what they are.

    1. RBRitu Bhasin49:54

       surface level message was, "Be you. I, of course I want you to be authentic. Of course I want you to bring your whole true self to this experience." But in the very next breath, it would be like through the behavior, "Just kidding. Don't actually be you." So, it felt very complicated and c-confusing as to, uh, how do I show up? So, that's what led me to develop the model. We all have the three selves, and I'll take us quickly through the three selves and then we can dig deeper into each of them.

    2. MRMel Robbins50:20

       Great.

    3. RBRitu Bhasin50:20

       So, the most important self of all is what I call the authentic self. Your authentic self is a self where if there were no negative consequences for your actions, this is how you would show up. This is how you would speak, this is how you would dress. This, these are the words you'd use, this is where h- the, the content you'd share. It's where you draw a line. Boundaries, yes, no, who you would love. It's the good, the bad, and the ugly of who we are. But because it's the truest reflection of our core self, it feels the best to do. So, that's the authentic self. Resonating?

    4. MRMel Robbins51:02

       I love that, and I love the definition, "If there were no consequences."

    5. RBRitu Bhasin51:06

       Yes.

    6. MRMel Robbins51:06

       How would you show up if there were no consequences? You're not getting arrested. You're not losing friends. You're not gonna be embarrassed or ashamed by what you do.

    7. RBRitu Bhasin51:14

       Yes.

    8. MRMel Robbins51:14

       You just get to do you, and there are no consequences. That is very clear.

    9. RBRitu Bhasin51:19

       Okay.

    10. MRMel Robbins51:19

        What's the second version of ourselves?

    11. RBRitu Bhasin51:22

        Okay, so I'm gonna f- go to the other side of the continuum, which is the third self, which is the performing self. So, I've talked a lot today with you about the performing self. The performing self is the self that feels like we don't have a choice but to change who we are, mask aspects of our identity, cloak, hide, in order to shield from bias and judgment. It feels exhausting, humiliating, disrespectful to do, but we feel like if I don't change my accent or ch- anglicize the pronunciation of my name or hide my experiences with anxiety, depression, or not talk about being transgender or whatever, whatever it is that we feel judged about, or we feel ashamed of, we, we feel like we need to push it down. And of course, it feels completely disempowering and exhausting. And of course, the message, uh, coming out of today is to really take a step back and think about around whom are you performing? Like, why is that happening? What are the judgments coming your way? And most importantly, scripting, self-coaching, body-based, settle myself for those situations so we can push out of it. But that's the performing self, which I'm guessing, Mel, resonates given what we've talked about.

    12. MRMel Robbins52:37

        Well, I think that every single one of us became the performing self in middle school-

    13. RBRitu Bhasin52:43

        Yes.

    14. MRMel Robbins52:43

        ... and we've been doing

12. 52:44 – 57:00

    We are all adults stuck in a middle school brain.

    1. MRMel Robbins52:44

       it ever since.

    2. RBRitu Bhasin52:45

       100%. Yes.

    3. MRMel Robbins52:46

       And I would say until recently, I was the performing self in just about every aspect of my life.

    4. RBRitu Bhasin52:54

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins52:54

       The dutiful daughter, the, uh, hard-work- like, whatever hat I thought I was suppo- Because I felt like everything had a consequence.

    6. RBRitu Bhasin53:03

       Yes.

    7. MRMel Robbins53:03

       Everything was high stakes.

    8. RBRitu Bhasin53:05

       Exactly.

    9. MRMel Robbins53:05

       So, everything required me to anticipate what I needed to do-

    10. RBRitu Bhasin53:09

        Yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins53:09

        ... and to perform as such in order to succeed or be accepted-

    12. RBRitu Bhasin53:13

        Exactly.

    13. MRMel Robbins53:14

        ... or get ahead or whatever. And so I think, I would imagine based on your research, is that where most of us spend the most of our time?

    14. RBRitu Bhasin53:22

        Absolutely. And for those of us who have come from cultural communities that have heightened judgment and bias coming our way, we actually spend extensive time there. We spend most of our time there, and this is the problem. But it's the adapted self, the self that lives in the middle, that we've never explored before in this way and is a really powerful self, because when we spend time with it, what we realize is, wow, number one, I have more agency in my life than I thought I did. And when I say agency, it's just a fancy way, Mel, of saying choice and control over how I behave. So, agency, choice and control over how I behave. I have more of it than I thought I did. Number two, "Oh, look at that. I'm behaving more authentically than I thought I was," uh, which is, which in and of itself can be so empowering, because when we realize, "Wow, I'm already doing this. I can do more of it," that can be very liberating. And then the third thing is that it can also be a really safe place to stay in moments and situations where we don't feel safe to be our full authentic self-

    15. MRMel Robbins54:27

        Yeah.

    16. RBRitu Bhasin54:27

        ... or frankly, we're exhausted. And you know what? It's Friday night, the meter's off, and I don't really feel like talking about my day job. And so I'm just gonna be more adapted in, adaptive in this, um, cock- at this cocktail party. Like, whatever. And so your adapted self is the self that says, "All right, Ritu, I hear you. I'm gonna push out of performing as much as I can after today, but I look at my authentic self and I can't be authentic 100% of the time because I want to keep my family." I don't wanna go to jail, as you mentioned.

    17. MRMel Robbins54:57

        (laughs) Wow.

    18. RBRitu Bhasin54:58

        "I wanna keep my job."

    19. MRMel Robbins54:59

        Yeah, I wanna keep my job. I, what I like-

    20. RBRitu Bhasin55:02

        Wanna keep my spouse. Ha ha ha ha ha.

    21. MRMel Robbins55:04

        Yeah. What I like about what you're saying is this. You're offering something that is empowering and doable and realistic.

    22. RBRitu Bhasin55:11

        Yeah.

    23. MRMel Robbins55:11

        There are times in your life where you have to freaking perform, because for some of you, you are listening to this or watching this in a part of the world where just being you could cause major harm to you, because of your religion or who you love and where you live or what's going on. And so, you performing a role is necessary. But what you're saying is that for so many people, that performance has been reflexive, subconscious. It's been a trap. It's become part of your identity.

    24. RBRitu Bhasin55:51

        Yeah.

    25. MRMel Robbins55:51

        And what you're saying is that when you become aware of those areas of your life where you are performing, either because you are trying to adapt, right? You're performing consciously, strategically, because it aligns with what you want in your life, meaning you are adapting-

    26. RBRitu Bhasin56:12

        Yes.

    27. MRMel Robbins56:12

        ... your true self in specific situations, because it serves you, not because you feel like there's something wrong with you.

    28. RBRitu Bhasin56:25

        Yes.

    29. MRMel Robbins56:25

        You are the manipulator. You are the one that has something in it.

    30. RBRitu Bhasin56:29

        Yes.
13. 57:00 – 59:48

    The most important version of your “self” looks like this..

    1. RBRitu Bhasin57:00

       Your adapted self is a self that willingly, happily chooses to adjust your behaviors to meet your needs and the needs of others. It's a choice. It's willing. It still feels good to do. It's still a manifestation of your authenticity. It meets your needs and the needs of others. And so, it's still empowering to do. The difference between our adapted self and the performing self is how it feels.

    2. MRMel Robbins57:33

       Hmm.

    3. RBRitu Bhasin57:34

       So, the more you adapt, the more you adapt, I have the, the model for the three selves is on my website, ritubhasin.com. You can take a look at the funnel. But the more you adapt, the more you adapt, the more you adapt, you get pushed into the performing self vortex, and your body will tell you, "This does not feel good." Whereas adapting your behavior feels perfectly fine. It feels good to do. And let me give you a really quick a- quick example. I mentioned being exhausted on a Friday night. I was once at a party with my sister, and we're talking to people we had just met, and they turned to me and they said, "Oh, so Ritu, what do you do for a living?" And in that moment, I had a choice, because I knew that if I said to them, "I am a belonging expert. I, I speak on authenticity. I'm a professional speaker. I talk a lot about diversity, equity, inclusion," I knew that if I said this, it would open up a full discussion, and they'd wanna unpack their stuff with me-

    4. MRMel Robbins58:29

       (laughs) Yes.

    5. RBRitu Bhasin58:29

       ... and yada, yada, yada. And in that moment, I was like, "The meter is off. I'm exhausted. I just don't wanna h- I don't have the bandwidth for this." So I looked at them, and I said, "I'm in HR," which by the way, is not a lie, although nothing kills a conversation more than telling someone you do HR for a living. "I am in HR. I, I speak to companies around the world about talent management and human resources, and how do we create teams that are rooted in authenticity and belonging." But my sister looked at me afterwards, and she's like, "Why did you do that? Like, what was that about?" And I said to her, "It's true. I do HR for a living." My authentic self would've been to like just give the full enchilada and dig deep and like get into the... But my adapted self said, "No, not this moment. I'm gonna adjust and adapt my needs." Or my parents, for example, from Indian culture, really indirect. I'm super direct as a communicator. I adapt all the time, because I know it will ruffle their feathers, and it serves me too. I don't want their feathers to be ruffled. On the other hand, so I do adapt a lot. On the other hand, sometimes I'm like, "No, you need my directness."

    6. MRMel Robbins59:32

       Right.

    7. RBRitu Bhasin59:32

       "And you need my authentic self to shine here. Why? Because I need it. It's important for me to do." The important thing to take away with the three selves framework is this. It's important for all of us to be mindful of what's happening

14. 59:48 – 1:02:26

    The #1 takeaway I want you to get from this conversation.

    1. RBRitu Bhasin59:48

       in any situation, which of the selves is showing up, try your best to push out of the performing self, adapt wherever you want to and need to, and then do your best to show up as the good side of your authentic self. The bad and the ugly, we're adapting on. We don't want our bad and ugly. Like, for example, if you're a yeller, you have anger management problems, you're racist, your authentic self is racist. I would say to you, "No, not the bad and ugly," in our interactions, personal interactions, work interactions. We adapt on the bad and ugly. Bring your good, your best authentic self side to interactions as much as possible.

    2. MRMel Robbins1:00:27

       Amazing. And I think-

    3. RBRitu Bhasin1:00:28

       Thank you.

    4. MRMel Robbins1:00:28

       ... this was so fascinating and interesting and amazing, and I just can't thank you enough. Congratulations. I can't, I g- I'm so excited to support your book.

    5. RBRitu Bhasin1:00:38

       Aw, bless. Thank you so much, Mel. That means so much coming from you in particular. I'm a huge fan of your work, so I am so grateful for your time and energy. So thank you for being a light.

    6. MRMel Robbins1:00:47

       My pleasure. My pleasure. I cannot wait to hear what you do with this three-part framework, 'cause you know that all I want for you is for you to be your full self. And one more thing, I wanna make sure that in case no one else tells you today, that I tell you, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to start accepting and loving yourself as you are, as you're not, and as you become the person you know you wanna be. All right. I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. (laughs) This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. (instrumental music) Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe, 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you. So make sure you subscribe. Mwah.

Episode duration: 1:02:26