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What Every Stressed Out Person Needs to Hear | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Registration for Launch 2023 is now CLOSED 🌟 https://bit.ly/launch2024 👈 Get on the waitlist for the 2024 Launch with Mel Robbins! 🚀 — When it comes to dealing with #stress, best-selling psychotherapist and researcher Harriet Lerner says that being an underfunctioner or an overfunctioner is your patterned response to dealing with the alarm in your body. An overfunctioner like me allows the alarm in my body to take over in stressful situations, becoming triggered and #anxious. And the only way to calm the alarm is to bark orders, manage the phone calls, organize the activities, make the appointments, plan the meals, and take on all the responsibilities because it gives me a sense of control. It may be my superpower, but it also makes me a royal pain in the a$$ and takes away the chance for Chris to feel empowered. The way Chris deals with stress is more chill and very methodical, which frustrates the hell out of me. Listen today as we work through these two different ways of dealing with a #stressful family situation so that you can understand your own approach better and, more importantly, how to ask for what you need from others before you drive them nuts. And if you’re ready to take the next right step to live your life with more confidence and no regrets, this is your time. Sign up for my exclusive signature course, Launch with Mel Robbins. It’s available for registration only through May 4, so grab your spot today! Learn all the exciting details and sign up here! https://www.melrobbins.com/launch Xo Mel In this episode, you'll learn: 00:00 Intro 02:18 Let me set the scene for you before everything started blowing up. 04:32 Here’s how I set myself up to fail the night before. 07:52 Then life kicks in big time and cue the mom guilt flood gates. 10:18 Here’s what overfunctioning stress looks like in real life. Can you relate? 14:40 If you don’t catch yourself in this state, your relationships pay the price. 21:07 Chris nails the good, the bad, and the ugly side of overfunctioning. 26:09 I thank Harriet Lerner for her research that helps me understand myself. 27:56 Here’s how my anxiety sees my husband’s “underfunctioning” response to stress. 29:56 Have a partner who handles stress differently? Here’s how to support each other. 37:39 Chris explains what happens in HIS brain and body when he’s stressed. 44:38 Holy mackerel, I just realized I never stopped to do this in my stress episode. 48:52 This is a tool our couple’s therapist gave us that really helps us to see each other. — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostChris Robbinsguest
May 1, 202353mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

How Overfunctioners And Underfunctioners Handle Stress In Relationships Differently

  1. Mel Robbins uses a real-time family crisis morning—from a forgotten alarm and her husband’s colonoscopy to a son’s broken-down car and a daughter’s missed appointment—to unpack how she and her husband respond very differently to stress.
  2. She introduces psychologist Harriet Lerner’s concepts of overfunctioning (Mel’s style: fast, controlling, hyperactive problem-solving) versus underfunctioning (Chris’s style: slowing down, going inward, methodical information-gathering).
  3. Through candid conversation and conflict debriefing with Chris, they show how these automatic patterns create resentment on both sides and trample each other’s strengths.
  4. They then outline practical ways partners can “hang in” with each other—overfunctioners speaking less and naming their fears, underfunctioners verbalizing their internal process—so stressful moments become more collaborative and less destructive.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Identify whether you overfunction or underfunction under stress.

Overfunctioners jump into frantic action, try to control outcomes, and often bulldoze others, while underfunctioners go quiet, slow down, and process internally; knowing your default style gives you power to change the pattern.

Overfunctioners should speak less and slow their reactions.

Mel applies Harriet Lerner’s advice to say about 50% less, resist barking orders, and pause to ask herself, “What am I scared of right now?” so her actions aren’t just driven by raw anxiety.

Underfunctioners need to narrate their internal process out loud.

When people like Chris go silent to think, overfunctioners can interpret it as apathy or abandonment; simply saying, “I’m processing; give me a second, I’m figuring this out” reassures the other person that you’re engaged.

Name the fear beneath your reactivity to regain perspective.

Questions like “What are you scared of right now?” help surface deeper worries (e.g., a child being alone in a hospital) and reveal when your reaction is out of proportion to the actual situation.

Avoid trampling others’ competence when you feel anxious.

Overfunctioning can undermine partners’ confidence and contributions—like Mel interrupting Chris’s AAA call—so consciously making space for others to lead builds trust and more effective teamwork.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

You know what I have? I have overfunctioning anxiety.

— Mel Robbins

Often you become kind of just a bulldozer, and so all about your opinion or your angle or your solution, and nobody ever likes to feel like they’re getting steam-rolled over.

— Chris Robbins

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning are not good or bad. The goal is to become aware of which one is your default.

— Mel Robbins

Where I get, or I perceive, judgment from you… there is an unspoken assumption that I am not in problem-solving mode, and that is not at all accurate.

— Chris Robbins

What are you scared of right now, Mel? That question is more powerful than I realized.

— Mel Robbins

Overfunctioning vs. underfunctioning anxiety responses to stressReal-time example of a chaotic family morning and emotional overloadRelationship dynamics and mutual resentment under stressHarriet Lerner’s research and concept of “hanging in” with each otherPractical communication strategies for couples in stressful situationsThe role of self-awareness and naming underlying fearsRespecting and leveraging different problem-solving styles in a partnership

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