Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People | The Mel Robbins Podcast

1. 0:00 – 3:52

   Intro

   1. MRMel Robbins0:03

      Today, I realized that I have had a life-changing breakthrough.

   2. GUGuest0:10

      Hmm. Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins0:11

      I woke up today and I feel like I live in adult summer camp. The point of the episode today is to get you to consider that it is within your power to create an experience as an adult where your life feels like summer camp, where your friendships are really fun. Oddly enough, it has to do a lot with coffee shops. Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to an impromptu, jump-on-the-mic-people episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast. Let's fricking do this. Oh my God, you guys, I literally have something I have to talk to you about. Today's episode, friendship-

   4. GUGuest0:52

      Hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins0:52

      ... making your life as an adult as fun as summer camp-

   6. GUGuest0:56

      Hmm. Hmm. Okay.

   7. MRMel Robbins0:58

      ... and an amazing-

   8. GUGuest1:00

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins1:00

      ... amazing three-part takeaway about how to make adult friends using coffee shops in your neighborhood.

   10. GUGuest1:06

       Okay. Awesome.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:07

       Okay?

   12. GUGuest1:08

       Yes, let's do it.

   13. MRMel Robbins1:08

       But first-

   14. GUGuest1:09

       (laughs)

   15. MRMel Robbins1:09

       ... I got, I came from a coffee shop. Can we talk about this freaking pastry that I brought? It's gorgeous.

   16. GUGuest1:13

       Oh my God.

   17. MRMel Robbins1:14

       I love a pastry, everybody. I, I exercise simply to eat a 10,000-calorie pastry.

   18. GUGuest1:20

       (laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Look at it. Well, it's, it's worth it, for sure.

   19. MRMel Robbins1:23

       Yes, we're gonna get to the friendship thing first, but first I wanna become besties with this pastry.

   20. GUGuest1:28

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins1:29

       Um, most of you don't know this, but I have a love affair with pastries because my grandparents, Betty and Frank Schneberger, they-

   22. GUGuest1:37

       (laughs) I love that name.

   23. MRMel Robbins1:37

       What are you laughing about?

   24. GUGuest1:38

       That name.

   25. MRMel Robbins1:39

       You're laughing at my freaking name?

   26. GUGuest1:40

       (laughs) Yeah, yeah. It is a funny name- It's just perfect. ... and also you act like, you know, "Oh, you know Betty and Frank Schneberger?"

   27. MRMel Robbins1:44

       (laughs)

   28. GUGuest1:44

       "Yeah, right down the road." No. (laughs) It's like, it's like a very funny, like-

   29. MRMel Robbins1:47

       Well, they're no long-

   30. GUGuest1:48

       Betty and Frank.
2. 3:52 – 5:53

   Today I feel like I’m living in an adult summer camp; it wasn’t always this way.

   1. GUGuest3:52

      awesome.

   2. MRMel Robbins3:52

      I woke up, I rolled out of bed, I had my glass of water, I made my bed, and then I checked my phone, and Amy, you and David Gerbitz were already-

   3. GUGuest4:02

      (laughs)

   4. MRMel Robbins4:03

      ... texting like school girls.

   5. GUGuest4:04

      We were.

   6. MRMel Robbins4:04

      You, like at 5:30 in the morning.

   7. GUGuest4:06

      We were up.

   8. MRMel Robbins4:06

      It's like, "Who's up?"

   9. GUGuest4:07

      Yeah.

   10. MRMel Robbins4:07

       And you're texting photos of-

   11. GUGuest4:09

       (laughs)

   12. MRMel Robbins4:09

       ... of the view-

   13. GUGuest4:10

       Yes.

   14. MRMel Robbins4:11

       ... this morning.

   15. GUGuest4:11

       We're-

   16. MRMel Robbins4:11

       And then you're like, "Who wants to do something? Is Amy pulling a cart?"

   17. GUGuest4:14

       (laughs)

   18. MRMel Robbins4:14

       "Are we going for a walk? What's happening?" And then, and then you said, "Mel, get in here."

   19. GUGuest4:18

       (laughs)

   20. MRMel Robbins4:19

       And that was the last text I read. And I was like, "Here? What do you mean in here?" And then I realized-

   21. GUGuest4:24

       (laughs)

   22. MRMel Robbins4:24

       ... you were talking about just get in the text chat.

   23. GUGuest4:26

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins4:26

       And, and-

   25. GUGuest4:27

       Oh.

   26. MRMel Robbins4:27

       ... and talk to us.

   27. GUGuest4:28

       Well, we were up before the bugle, you know-

   28. MRMel Robbins4:30

       (laughs)

   29. GUGuest4:30

       ... at camp kind of. Like we were-

   30. MRMel Robbins4:32

       Yes.
3. 5:53 – 9:38

   It is within your power to create community and connection.

   1. MRMel Robbins5:53

      consider that it is within your power to create an experience as an adult where your life feels like summer camp.... where your friendships are really fun, where you're having fun, where you wake up to text chains where friends are already talking. You're walking into a coffee shop, and you're- and people that you know and love are walking in, just randomly. And so-

   2. GUGuest6:16

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins6:16

      ... you have- and that's what's happened. And oddly enough, it has to do a lot with coffee shops.

   4. GUGuest6:22

      I can't wait to hear this. You know what she's talking about, Jessie. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.

   5. MRMel Robbins6:26

      Okay, great. And I just need to also say that there are people outside doing all kinds of work around here.

   6. GUGuest6:33

      (laughs)

   7. MRMel Robbins6:33

      There are tractors. There are stone walls that are getting built. There is pavement going in today.

   8. GUGuest6:39

      (laughs)

   9. MRMel Robbins6:39

      And so, you know, you're gonna hear some stuff.

   10. GUGuest6:41

       Yes.

   11. MRMel Robbins6:41

       And we're not gonna edit it out because-

   12. GUGuest6:43

       No.

   13. MRMel Robbins6:43

       ... the whole point of the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're doing life together. And, and we're putting our arm around you and taking you on that walk with us.

   14. GUGuest6:50

       Along with all the brawny men outside.

   15. MRMel Robbins6:52

       Yeah.

   16. GUGuest6:52

       Yes. We're jumping on the mic.

   17. MRMel Robbins6:54

       Yeah. We're just jumping on the mic together, and I wanna inspire you today to think about the next 12 months of your life and the breakthrough that is available to you if you start to show up differently and you get super intentional about creating fun with friends and meeting new people and putting yourself out there, and it does have to do with c-

   18. NANarrator7:15

       (phone rings) Gretchen again.

   19. MRMel Robbins7:15

       Oh, my God. There's a friend of mine.

   20. GUGuest7:17

       Oh. There's another friend.

   21. MRMel Robbins7:18

       Oh, my God. It's a friend of mine calling, like on cue. Gretchen. Gretchen. Can you hear me, Gretchen?

   22. NANarrator7:30

       Mel?

   23. MRMel Robbins7:31

       Yes. You're on the podcast. We were just talking about friendship and how it sounds-

   24. NANarrator7:36

       (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins7:36

       It feels like summer camp here, and then you called.

   26. NANarrator7:40

       I'm so glad I called too. I'll call you back when you're done with your podcast.

   27. MRMel Robbins7:43

       All right, but just tell everybody how miserable I was a year ago, like no friends, sad sack, depressed.

   28. NANarrator7:49

       Well, you thought you had no friends. You did have friends, and you were depressed, and you were a sad sack, but you had friends and you were loved. You just didn't feel it.

   29. MRMel Robbins7:57

       Oh, whoa, drop the mic.

   30. GUGuest7:58

       Drop the mic, exactly. (laughs)
4. 9:38 – 11:38

   What happens when you look through the lens of loneliness?

   1. MRMel Robbins9:38

      as an adult, there is a major change in mindset that you need to make. And interestingly, Gretchen clearly called at the exact right time to make sure that we talked about this.

   2. GUGuest9:52

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins9:53

      I mean, it's kind of uncanny, because when you're growing up, so much of your friendships are orchestrated through teams and through the classes that you're in, and through people that live on your hallway or people-

   4. GUGuest10:05

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins10:06

      ... that you work with. And so, they are made for you through proximity-

   6. GUGuest10:11

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins10:11

      ... and through the number of times that you see them.

   8. GUGuest10:13

      Mm-hmm. Right.

   9. MRMel Robbins10:14

      But the older that you get, the more intentional you need to be about causing those bump-ins and causing reasons to get together.

   10. GUGuest10:24

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins10:24

       And what Gretchen is saying is something that I think happens to all of us. As life gets busier, as you get older, as people move away, as people go through different life experiences, whether it's a change in a job, or an ending of a marriage, or a breakup, or whatever-

   12. GUGuest10:39

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins10:39

       ... or start, start having kids or get a ton of dogs, or whatever ends up happening, your friendships change because you stop seeing people so much. But here's the big thing and the mistake that I made, is I stopped thinking that the people that I didn't see as much were my friends. We associate the amount of times you see somebody with whether or not they're actually a friend of yours.

   14. GUGuest11:05

       Mm-hmm.

   15. MRMel Robbins11:05

       And I am here to make you think differently on a number of levels because these are big breakthroughs that I had. A year ago when I was a sad sack, lonely, I got no friends bitch-

   16. GUGuest11:16

       I remember it. Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins11:18

       I, I was so sad. Tell-

   18. GUGuest11:19

       (laughs)

   19. MRMel Robbins11:19

       Th- the- Amy's favorite story about me is-

   20. GUGuest11:22

       (laughs)

   21. MRMel Robbins11:22

       ... like the definition of pathetic.

   22. GUGuest11:24

       Yeah. Well, you were- you had just moved into this house, and it is a- Mm-hmm. ... gorgeous home and your surroundings are fantastic, and yet you're crying your eyes out- (laughs) ... and, you know, like Gretchen said, super sad sack. And I was trying to cheer

5. 11:38 – 12:37

   If you want the flower to grow, you need to plant the seed. Let me explain.

   1. GUGuest11:38

      you up, and I said, "Mel, what do you think you'll do with the landscaping here? Knowing that you love flowers," I said, "do you think you're maybe gonna plant some, some hydrangea here, or peonies that you love?" And you said, (imitates crying) "I don't know. I'll probably just leave it all dirt." (laughs) And what do we know? Who's outside today?

   2. MRMel Robbins12:02

      Right.

   3. GUGuest12:03

      We're planting peonies and hydrangeas.

   4. MRMel Robbins12:03

      Yeah, a year later-

   5. GUGuest12:04

      Yes.

   6. MRMel Robbins12:05

      ... here I am planting peonies, hydrangeas, and Chihuhua hosta.

   7. GUGuest12:07

      Yes. Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins12:08

      And, and here- this is an important part because...When it comes to loneliness in friendship, it doesn't matter how nice your car is, it doesn't matter how good your job is, it doesn't matter how much money you have or you don't have, if you tell yourself the story that nobody likes you, or that all your friends are gone, or that you're the only one that doesn't have a friend group-

   9. GUGuest12:31

      Or you can't have any fun.

   10. MRMel Robbins12:33

       ... or you can't have any fun, or you're not having any fun, or you'll never have fun again-

6. 12:37 – 14:11

   The lie you’re telling yourself when it comes to friendships.

   1. MRMel Robbins12:37

   2. GUGuest12:37

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins12:37

      ... you will stay stuck there. And the truth is, your friends didn't go anywhere. Your friends, I am convinced, and I need you to hear this loud and clear, every single adult right now is having a friendship crisis.

   4. GUGuest12:49

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins12:50

      You believe that your friends are having this wild party and you're not invited, and it's not true. Every single time I talk about this topic with anybody, they chime in and say, "I feel the exact same way."

   6. GUGuest13:02

      Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins13:02

      "I feel like I never see my friends."

   8. GUGuest13:04

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins13:04

      "I feel lonely. I'm not having as much fun as I would like to have."

   10. GUGuest13:08

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins13:08

       And I got so sick and tired of going, "I'm just gonna live with Dirk."

   12. GUGuest13:13

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins13:13

       "I'm not gonna plan anything," that I said, "Woman, if you wanna have more fun, if you want friends, you gotta put your ass out there again."

   14. GUGuest13:25

       You do. Yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins13:26

       You have to cause this. Just like if I want plants to grow, I gotta plant the seeds.

   16. GUGuest13:30

       Yes. Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins13:30

       I gotta split the hosta-

   18. GUGuest13:32

       Yes. Right.

   19. MRMel Robbins13:32

       ... I gotta stick them in the ground. And I'm telling you, I wanna inspire you today to think differently about friendship. Okay? I want today to be the day that you turn the corner and you start to plant those seeds, because you can wake up a year from now and go, "Holy guacamole."

   20. GUGuest13:48

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins13:49

       "My life feels like camp."

   22. GUGuest13:51

       Yeah. Yes.

   23. MRMel Robbins13:51

       "I have a lot of friends. I'm having fun again. I'm, like, bringing the fun."

   24. GUGuest13:55

       There's activities. Yes.

   25. MRMel Robbins13:57

       There's activities.

   26. GUGuest13:57

       And they're on-purpose friends. Yes.

   27. MRMel Robbins13:58

       Yes.

   28. GUGuest13:58

       Like what I call on-purpose friends.

   29. MRMel Robbins14:00

       What does that mean?

   30. GUGuest14:00

       Right? Like, not friends from work, although we know that they're great. (laughs)
7. 14:11 – 16:33

   Why making friends feels so hard nowadays.

   1. GUGuest14:11

      (laughs) ... somebody that you deliberately saw and wanted to be friends with, and made that friendship happen.

   2. MRMel Robbins14:16

      Mm-hmm. Okay.

   3. GUGuest14:17

      So, uh, not on-purpose would be work friends, or friends that you, um, I don't know, that you maybe do some kind of sporting activity with, but, like, it's not because you're a friend group first, it's just, uh, the sport counts as kind of the person.

   4. MRMel Robbins14:30

      They're an acquaintance kind of person.

   5. GUGuest14:31

      There's, there's, yeah, there's a common bond, but that bond comes before the friendship. Mm-hmm. So, like, the softball, softball team's gonna always exist whether you're on it or not. Right?

   6. MRMel Robbins14:39

      Oh, hold on a second.

   7. GUGuest14:40

      Yeah.

   8. MRMel Robbins14:40

      Okay, I love this distinction.

   9. GUGuest14:42

      Okay. (laughs)

   10. MRMel Robbins14:44

       The difference between the bond that's created versus the friendship that's developed.

   11. GUGuest14:50

       Mm-hmm.

   12. MRMel Robbins14:50

       So, to use the three of us as an example, we have a bond because we work together-

   13. GUGuest14:56

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins14:56

       ... every day, but our friendship got created because we took it way further than just the bond of work.

   15. GUGuest15:06

       Yes. Yes. There's caring-

   16. MRMel Robbins15:08

       Oh, I love that.

   17. GUGuest15:08

       ... and empathy, and nurturing, and- Yeah. ... support. Outside hours.

   18. MRMel Robbins15:11

       Much like this.

   19. GUGuest15:11

       Outside hours. Yeah.

   20. MRMel Robbins15:13

       And, and outside, and, and probably HR noncompliant-

   21. GUGuest15:17

       (laughs)

   22. MRMel Robbins15:17

       ... uh, conversations.

   23. GUGuest15:18

       But that's cool 'cause it's on purpose.

   24. MRMel Robbins15:20

       Yes. Yes.

   25. GUGuest15:20

       Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. It's on purpose. We want to. So, on-purpose friends, that's, are, are amazing, and I'm kind of just opening up to that, too, because you don't feel like they're... I think that's part of the reason why I felt like I didn't have any friends, 'cause you feel like they're just friends with me 'cause I work with them.

   26. MRMel Robbins15:37

       Right.

   27. GUGuest15:37

       Yeah. Or they're just friends with me because I'm in school with them. Right. Right? And, and that can make you feel like you're not really- Yeah. ... a good friend. Yeah. But on-purpose friends, for me, fill your life with such vitality, and activity, and excitement, because they're there for you.

   28. MRMel Robbins15:54

       Mm-hmm.

   29. GUGuest15:54

       Yeah. They're the friend- Yeah. ... that's behind you. Mm-hmm. Not behind the softball team, or the organization that you work for, or whatever. They're there for you.

   30. MRMel Robbins16:02

       Mm-hmm.
8. 16:33 – 20:04

   The #1 mistake you’re making with friendships.

   1. MRMel Robbins16:33

      piece. So, let's take Amy's-

   2. GUGuest16:35

      Yeah.

   3. MRMel Robbins16:35

      ... uh, little framework there. Every relationship, when it's a friendship, has both the bond, which is usually created from some outside force, your neighbor, or you're working together-

   4. GUGuest16:46

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins16:46

      ... or you go to the same yoga studio.

   6. GUGuest16:48

      Or your family. Yeah.

   7. MRMel Robbins16:49

      Or your family.

   8. GUGuest16:49

      Yeah.

   9. MRMel Robbins16:50

      Yeah, that's a good one.

   10. GUGuest16:50

       Very good.

   11. MRMel Robbins16:50

       Or, uh, whatever, like you went to college together.

   12. GUGuest16:53

       Mm-hmm.

   13. MRMel Robbins16:54

       When the bond that brings you together all the time disappears, it's on you to keep the caring, and the interest, and the outreach alive, because that's what the friendship actually is.

   14. GUGuest17:09

       Yeah.

   15. MRMel Robbins17:09

       And so I want you to understand that all those people that you used to hang out with, that you used to feel that bond with, they're still there.

   16. GUGuest17:19

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins17:20

       And they're thinking you left.

   18. GUGuest17:22

       Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

   19. MRMel Robbins17:23

       And you have an opportunity to flip your thinking and realize it's literally about reaching back out. It's literally about getting very intentional-

   20. GUGuest17:33

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins17:34

       ... about the reconnection, because the last three years, and everything that we've all been through, I think, evaporated the bond that brought most of us together in real life with our friends.

   22. GUGuest17:49

       Mm-hmm.

   23. MRMel Robbins17:49

       And so I, that's takeaway number one.

   24. GUGuest17:51

       Mm-hmm.

   25. MRMel Robbins17:52

       Takeaway number two is that this is possible in your life. You can have an experience in your adult life, that your entire adult life, when it comes to friendship, is a camp experience.

   26. GUGuest18:08

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins18:08

       That you're in it with other like-minded people.

   28. GUGuest18:11

       Yeah.

   29. MRMel Robbins18:11

       That you're having fun, that there are activities.

   30. GUGuest18:14

       Mm-hmm.
9. 20:04 – 32:58

   A fun framework for friendship that involves the 4 different types of coffee shops in your area.

   1. MRMel Robbins20:04

      best friendships of your entire life doing this. And, um, I'm so excited because I realize looking backwards that that's what I've been doing for a year. I've been putting myself out there, and putting myself out there, and putting myself out there because I really do wanna have fun, I really do wanna feel community, I really do wanna have a breakthrough in this, and it's- it's happened. And so-

   2. GUGuest20:27

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins20:27

      ... I so want this for you. I really do. And if this sad sack can make it possible, so can you. Here's how you use a bakery to get friends as an adult. I think one of the hard things about being an adult, particularly in this world of remote work, is that you don't have as many chances to bump into people.

   4. GUGuest20:47

      Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins20:48

      And so, what you were talking about, Amy, of that bond of a softball team, or people that you meet at work, or people that you meet at your kid's soccer games, or people that you might meet because you're going to a yoga studio, one major thing that has impacted adult friendship is that people are way more secluded in their homes.

   6. GUGuest21:11

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins21:11

      And so, it's reduced exponentially, the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you gotta create the bond. And what I realized in moving to a new town in the last year or so is that, it's hard to find people. Like, where am I finding my people?

   8. GUGuest21:33

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins21:33

      And- and I don't wanna seem like a desperate stalker.

   10. GUGuest21:35

       Mm-hmm. Right.

   11. MRMel Robbins21:36

       So, you know, how do I find my people?

   12. GUGuest21:38

       (laughs)

   13. MRMel Robbins21:38

       And when I'm out in public, trying to create this bond, um, how do I approach without seeming creepy?

   14. GUGuest21:45

       (laughs)

   15. MRMel Robbins21:46

       How do you do that if you're introverted?

   16. GUGuest21:48

       Yeah.

   17. MRMel Robbins21:48

       Like, this is weird.

   18. GUGuest21:50

       Yeah.

   19. MRMel Robbins21:50

       Because you also, unlike, it's not like we're all freshmen in college again, because people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area. You don't know if they've been here forever.

   20. GUGuest22:00

       Are they tourists? Yeah.

   21. MRMel Robbins22:01

       Yes.

   22. GUGuest22:01

       You don't know.

   23. MRMel Robbins22:01

       Yes. And so, we sort of opt out-

   24. GUGuest22:04

       Yeah.

   25. MRMel Robbins22:04

       ... of these opportunities.

   26. GUGuest22:05

       Yeah.

   27. MRMel Robbins22:06

       And that's where the coffee shop comes in. So first, I want you to think about your town. And I'm gonna tell you something that's true that you've probably never thought about. There are four types of coffee shops in your town.

   28. GUGuest22:20

       Hmm. Okay.

   29. MRMel Robbins22:21

       There is the chain, so Dunkin' Donuts, Honey Dew, Starbucks, insert your favorite chain.

   30. GUGuest22:28

       Go ahead.
10. 32:58 – 35:25

    The coffee shop I go to and why it’s been a game-changer for meeting potential friends.

    1. NANarrator32:58

    2. MRMel Robbins32:58

       And that's how you know the kind of person that you are and the kind of sorting hat thing that's gonna happen for you, and- and this gets deeper and deeper, but let me tell you number four next. So number four is that coffee shop that is always written up in the travel guide about your town.

    3. GUGuest33:12

       (laughs)

    4. NANarrator33:13

       Hmm. Okay.

    5. MRMel Robbins33:13

       It is the one that is white with barn wood and the people that work there are very like kinda cool.

    6. GUGuest33:21

       Yeah.

    7. MRMel Robbins33:22

       Hippie, smart, maybe a beanie.

    8. GUGuest33:24

       Yeah.

    9. NANarrator33:25

       (laughs)

    10. MRMel Robbins33:25

        You've got a- you've got a- a- a apron on with a leather strap.

    11. GUGuest33:30

        Yeah.

    12. MRMel Robbins33:30

        The pastries look like a million dollars. The, uh, the coffee is strong.

    13. NANarrator33:36

        Mm-hmm.

    14. MRMel Robbins33:36

        The- the latte machine is like the size of a New York City bus-

    15. GUGuest33:40

        (laughs)

    16. MRMel Robbins33:40

        ... and it looks gorgeous.

    17. NANarrator33:42

        Yeah.

    18. GUGuest33:43

        Right? Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins33:43

        Right?

    20. NANarrator33:43

        Yeah.

    21. MRMel Robbins33:43

        And- and that is a whole different crowd.

    22. GUGuest33:48

        Yeah.

    23. MRMel Robbins33:48

        Very.

    24. GUGuest33:48

        Ah.

    25. MRMel Robbins33:48

        A whole different crowd.

    26. NANarrator33:50

        Yep.

    27. MRMel Robbins33:51

        And one of the things that I love about this distinction is that when you kinda decide, okay, one, two, three, or four-

    28. NANarrator34:02

        Mm-hmm.

    29. MRMel Robbins34:02

        ... and you can decide that based on, if you had two hours to spend, which coffee shop are you gonna go to for two hours?

    30. NANarrator34:07

        Mm. Right.
11. 35:25 – 37:42

    I challenge you to do this the next time you get a coffee.

    1. MRMel Robbins35:25

       weekend for an hour.

    2. NANarrator35:26

       Mm.

    3. GUGuest35:27

       How is that gonna help, Mel? What are you talking about?

    4. MRMel Robbins35:29

       I'll tell you how it's gonna help.

    5. NANarrator35:31

       (laughs) Yeah.

    6. MRMel Robbins35:31

       How that's gonna help-

    7. NANarrator35:31

       Who's got time? Well, yeah.

    8. MRMel Robbins35:32

       ... is you're gonna start seeing people coming in and out, and they're gonna be the same people.

    9. GUGuest35:37

       Mm-hmm.

    10. MRMel Robbins35:38

        And you're gonna start saying hello.

    11. GUGuest35:40

        Oh.

    12. MRMel Robbins35:41

        And like-

    13. NANarrator35:42

        Mm.

    14. MRMel Robbins35:42

        ... I've seen Jesse at coffee shop number four.

    15. NANarrator35:44

        Guilty. Yeah.

    16. MRMel Robbins35:45

        Yes. And it was Jesse that told me about it.

    17. NANarrator35:48

        Mm.

    18. MRMel Robbins35:49

        I had been here an entire year. I did not know that coffee shop number four existed.

    19. GUGuest35:53

        Wow. 'Cause your eyes were closed-

    20. MRMel Robbins35:55

        Yes.

    21. GUGuest35:55

        ... to the friendship.

    22. MRMel Robbins35:56

        Yes. I was still thinking I was just gonna have dirt around my house.

    23. GUGuest35:59

        Yes.

    24. NANarrator35:59

        (laughs)

    25. MRMel Robbins35:59

        So I'm not like going to a coffee shop-

    26. GUGuest36:01

        Mel living in her aunt, aunt farm with all the dirt.

    27. NANarrator36:04

        (laughs)

    28. MRMel Robbins36:04

        And so-

    29. GUGuest36:04

        Jesus.

    30. MRMel Robbins36:04

        ... Jesse's like, "Have you been to this coffee shop?" And I'm not gonna name it 'cause I don't need stalkers showing up there-
12. 37:42 – 39:39

    Friendship is a verb, you have to make it happen.

    1. GUGuest37:42

       when you're saying, "Oh, let's meet up for coffee." Or, "Let's ..." You know, uh, le- y- park yourself there, and then you have to actually, you know, park yourself at the coffee shop, and then you actually have to talk to people.

    2. MRMel Robbins37:52

       Yes.

    3. GUGuest37:53

       Friendship is a verb.

    4. MRMel Robbins37:54

       Yes.

    5. GUGuest37:54

       Like, you gotta be doing things. It's an action word. Like, you have to make it happen.

    6. MRMel Robbins37:59

       Yes.

    7. GUGuest37:59

       That's what's hitting me right now.

    8. MRMel Robbins38:00

       Yes. Yeah. Hmm. Good point. And the more you go there, the more you start to know the staff and the owners.

    9. GUGuest38:05

       Yeah.

    10. MRMel Robbins38:05

        And then you'll see who else knows the staff and owners, and then that gives you an in. "Don't you just love this place?" Mm-hmm. "How long have you known so-and-so and so-and-so?"

    11. GUGuest38:14

        Mm-hmm.

    12. MRMel Robbins38:14

        And here's another way that you can, like, strike up a conversation. If you're standing in line, turn to the person next to you and ask them, "What's the best donut? What's the best muffin? What's the best pastry here? What do you recommend?"

    13. GUGuest38:27

        Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    14. MRMel Robbins38:27

        That's your in.

    15. GUGuest38:28

        Yeah.

    16. MRMel Robbins38:28

        Yeah. That's your in. And here's the other reason why I don't like category number one for this kind of friendship building.

    17. GUGuest38:35

        Mm-hmm.

    18. MRMel Robbins38:35

        And the reason why is, it's so transactional. Who in their right mind turns to anybody at a Starbucks or a Dunkin' Donuts, and is like-

    19. GUGuest38:42

        (laughs)

    20. MRMel Robbins38:42

        ... "What donut do you recommend?"

    21. GUGuest38:43

        Yeah.

    22. MRMel Robbins38:43

        Like, no, like, you're like, "Idiot, they've had the same ones for a decade. What do you mean what ones?" (laughs) "Have you never been here?"

    23. GUGuest38:48

        (laughs) The menu has not changed.

    24. MRMel Robbins38:50

        Yes. Yeah. And, and plus, you don't know if they're just driving through.

    25. GUGuest38:53

        Yeah.

    26. MRMel Robbins38:53

        Yeah. Right. On their way somewhere else. It's a pit stop.

    27. GUGuest38:56

        Yeah.

    28. MRMel Robbins38:56

        Yeah, it's a pit stop. And so, this allows you to start to create that bond. It gives you a place where you're always going to say you meet people on Saturday mornings there at nine o'clock in the morning. Mm-hmm. And that's your parking spot.

    29. GUGuest39:09

        Wow.

    30. MRMel Robbins39:09

        That's your bond. And then you tell people that every time you meet them there, and then people start to bring their friends.
13. 39:39 – 42:32

    This ONE tool will allow you to create lasting bonds.

    1. MRMel Robbins39:39

    2. GUGuest39:39

       Earrings, jewelry.

    3. MRMel Robbins39:40

       Hearings, jewelry. Yeah, earrings, earrings, jewelry. Compliment them. Compliment them.

    4. GUGuest39:44

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins39:45

       When you compliment, "Oh, my God, your nails are so great. Wow." People literally light up like a light bulb.

    6. GUGuest39:52

       They do.

    7. MRMel Robbins39:52

       Oh, yeah.

    8. GUGuest39:53

       They do. I know I do, right?

    9. MRMel Robbins39:55

       Yeah, yeah.

    10. GUGuest39:55

        Like, yeah-

    11. MRMel Robbins39:56

        Yeah.

    12. GUGuest39:56

        ... so everybody else must too. Yeah.

    13. MRMel Robbins39:58

        Yes.

    14. GUGuest39:58

        Yeah.

    15. MRMel Robbins39:59

        Yes. And if you're new, I would say this all the time to people. "I'm new here. What do people do here?"

    16. GUGuest40:04

        Mm-hmm.

    17. MRMel Robbins40:04

        Yeah. That's a good one. Or even if you're not new somewhere, you can say to somebody, "You know, I've lived here a long time, but these last three years I think I've kind of become, like, a little bit, like, socially awkward. I, I've fallen out of the loop of what's going on. What's going on this weekend around here?"

    18. GUGuest40:18

        Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins40:18

        Yeah. And here's what's super cool about that. Let's go back to the way that coffee shops work as sorting hats. If you ask somebody that at Starbucks, the likelihood is they're going to shrug their shoulders and be like, "I don't know." And then they race off because- Yeah. ... they're just coming in for their mobile order. Too busy, yeah. You go to coffee shop number two, those folks are gonna tell you something super fun like, "Oh, well, there's a tractor pull over at such-and-such."

    20. GUGuest40:38

        There's a potluck, yep.

    21. MRMel Robbins40:39

        Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or there's like a whatever, you know, there is. Or there's a, something going on over at the, uh, there's like a bingo night or this, that-

    22. GUGuest40:46

        Yeah.

    23. MRMel Robbins40:46

        And I'm not saying any of this is good or bad. I'm just saying it's a type of thing.

    24. GUGuest40:52

        Yeah.

    25. MRMel Robbins40:53

        Yeah. Or there's a huge-

    26. GUGuest40:54

        More neighborhood-y.

    27. MRMel Robbins40:55

        ... like, pizza fundraiser thing-

    28. GUGuest40:57

        Yeah.

    29. MRMel Robbins40:57

        ... going on for the local, you know, fire department-

    30. GUGuest41:00

        Yeah.
14. 42:32 – 46:09

    The easiest ways to create connection in any situation.

    1. MRMel Robbins42:32

       and I desperately need friends." Like, (laughs) "If you guys need friends, let me know."

    2. GUGuest42:35

       Yeah.

    3. MRMel Robbins42:35

       Yeah. "Like, I, like, I, I di- how do you people meet people here?" And most people laugh and say, "I feel the same way."

    4. GUGuest42:40

       Yeah.

    5. MRMel Robbins42:40

       Yep. And even if you have been in an area for a long time, there are two things I want you to do.... it is okay to live in an area for 20, 30 years and feel lonely. And it's normal, and I think most of us do because of the last three years in quarantine and remote work.

    6. GUGuest42:58

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MRMel Robbins42:59

       It's okay to do all of this in your own town where you've always lived, and to say to people, "I've become a hermit."

    8. GUGuest43:07

       Yeah.

    9. MRMel Robbins43:08

       "I'm, I'm trying to, like, make some new friends. Like, if, if you feel that way, you guys wanna start a walking group or something? You wanna just meet here on Saturdays, so we-"

    10. GUGuest43:15

        Yeah.

    11. MRMel Robbins43:15

        "... have a touch point?"

    12. GUGuest43:16

        Right.

    13. MRMel Robbins43:16

        And then if people say yes, I get their cell phone right then. I text them right then.

    14. GUGuest43:23

        Mm-hmm.

    15. MRMel Robbins43:24

        And here is a power move. You say, "Make fun of yourself, and the second I walk out of here, I'm gonna forget what you look like. So why don't we take a selfie? (laughs) So we remember-"

    16. GUGuest43:33

        Ooh.

    17. NANarrator43:34

        That's a good idea.

    18. MRMel Robbins43:34

        "... this moment."

    19. GUGuest43:35

        Yeah.

    20. NANarrator43:35

        Yeah.

    21. MRMel Robbins43:36

        And so that when I text you, you're not like, "Who is this freak?"

    22. GUGuest43:39

        (laughs)

    23. MRMel Robbins43:39

        "From the coffee shop? What are you talking about?"

    24. GUGuest43:41

        Yeah. Love that.

    25. MRMel Robbins43:42

        And so that is a major thing, and I say that because for the first six months I started using this coffee sh- shop strategy f- on adult friendship-

    26. GUGuest43:53

        Yeah. (laughs)

    27. MRMel Robbins43:55

        ... I didn't do that.

    28. GUGuest43:57

        The selfie thing, you didn't do that?

    29. MRMel Robbins43:58

        Yes, and then weeks would go by and somebody would text and be like, "Hey, you wanna meet at The Bakery?" And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck is this?"

    30. GUGuest44:03

        Uh-oh.
15. 46:09 – 51:32

    For all my introverts, here is my advice for you...

    1. MRMel Robbins46:09

       and I'm not kidding," and then I take a photo.

    2. GUGuest46:10

       Yeah. (laughs) Yeah.

    3. MRMel Robbins46:10

       You know, like, that sort of-

    4. GUGuest46:13

       That's awesome.

    5. MRMel Robbins46:13

       ... I'm in camp again.

    6. GUGuest46:15

       Mm-hmm.

    7. MRMel Robbins46:15

       I'm having fun again.

    8. GUGuest46:16

       You are.

    9. NANarrator46:17

       Good.

    10. MRMel Robbins46:17

        I'm, and it's working.

    11. GUGuest46:19

        Yeah.

    12. NANarrator46:19

        Yeah.

    13. MRMel Robbins46:20

        It's working.

    14. NANarrator46:21

        (laughs)

    15. MRMel Robbins46:21

        I've gone from wanting to just have dirt around my house-

    16. GUGuest46:24

        (laughs)

    17. MRMel Robbins46:24

        ... to putting plants in the ground. I've gone from-

    18. GUGuest46:26

        Yeah.

    19. MRMel Robbins46:27

        ... you know, feeling like I've got sympathy friends, like, that I, my only friends are people I work with, to feeling like, well, actually, I feel like I, I, it's not even that my work friends have become my friends. It's that I just get to hang out with my friends all day long and we call, we, we call part of that time work.

    20. GUGuest46:44

        Right.

    21. NANarrator46:44

        Aw.

    22. MRMel Robbins46:44

        Right? You know what I'm saying?

    23. GUGuest46:45

        Yes, totally.

    24. NANarrator46:46

        Yeah, I love that. Yeah.

    25. MRMel Robbins46:46

        And now I'm like, "Oh my God." Like this morning, you guys, this morning was it.

    26. GUGuest46:53

        (laughs)

    27. NANarrator46:54

        What happened? What are you talking about?

    28. MRMel Robbins46:55

        Oh my God. Well, first of all-

    29. GUGuest46:56

        (laughs)

    30. MRMel Robbins46:56

        ... I've already told you. I woke up, I did my, like, you know, my ABCs.
16. 51:32 – 56:03

    Making new friends can be fun and easy (I’m being serious).

    1. MRMel Robbins51:32

       You do it every week at a certain time.

    2. GUGuest51:34

       Yeah.

    3. MRMel Robbins51:34

       And then people start to aggregate, and that feels like you're connected to something.

    4. NANarrator51:39

       Yeah.

    5. GUGuest51:39

       Mm-hmm.

    6. MRMel Robbins51:40

       And you know, it's sort of like church used to be, I think, for a lot of people.

    7. NANarrator51:43

       Mm-hmm.

    8. GUGuest51:43

       I think so. And I think it's a, what I love about this is, it's something you do anyway.

    9. MRMel Robbins51:48

       Yeah.

    10. GUGuest51:48

        You're having your cup of coffee anyway.

    11. MRMel Robbins51:51

        Yeah.

    12. GUGuest51:51

        Are you gonna do it alone, or are you gonna do it with other people? Like you said, Mel, like, you're gonna exercise anyway.

    13. MRMel Robbins51:56

        Right.

    14. GUGuest51:56

        Are you gonna do it alone, or are you gonna do it with other people? I was talking to my mother-in-law, who was talking about how she used to get together with her girlfriends and fold laundry together.

    15. MRMel Robbins52:07

        Oh.

    16. GUGuest52:07

        You're doing it anyway.

    17. MRMel Robbins52:09

        A laundry party.

    18. GUGuest52:09

        Yes. How cool is that?

    19. MRMel Robbins52:10

        Yeah.

    20. GUGuest52:10

        You're cooking dinner anyway.

    21. MRMel Robbins52:12

        Yeah.

    22. GUGuest52:12

        Why not invite a friend, have both your families come on over?

    23. MRMel Robbins52:15

        Yeah.

    24. GUGuest52:15

        You know, enjoy the time together-

    25. MRMel Robbins52:16

        Yep.

    26. GUGuest52:16

        ... and make it a, make it a friendship moment.

    27. MRMel Robbins52:19

        Or weeding.

    28. NANarrator52:20

        And I love-

    29. MRMel Robbins52:20

        Like, if we traded weekends.

    30. GUGuest52:21

        Didn't we talk about that?

Episode duration: 56:04