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The Mel Robbins Podcast

Why Do I Love the Way That I Love: The 4 Attachment Styles Explained

Order my new book, The Let Them Theory 👉 👈 It will forever change the way you think about relationships, control, and personal power.

Mel RobbinshostThais Gibsonguest

Dec 18, 20231h 15mWatch on YouTube ↗

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Why attachment theory changes how you love—and how you can become secure
Mel sets up the episode’s promise: your attachment style may not be what you think, and it can be changed. She introduces expert Thais Gibson and previews practical tools, scripts, and a bonus 21-day meditation to reprogram the subconscious mind.
- •Attachment style influences every relationship (partner, kids, friends)
- •You can change your attachment style and become more secure
- •Thais Gibson’s approach focuses on practical, real-life examples (e.g., texting)
- •Bonus: a 21-day meditation to help reprogram subconscious patterns
Attachment style and personal goals: the relationship you have with yourself drives everything
Mel connects attachment work to New Year goals and behavior change. Thais explains that childhood-derived beliefs shape self-relationship, which then affects motivation, consistency, boundaries, and success in every area of life.
- •Limiting beliefs from childhood color goal-setting and self-discipline
- •Attachment patterns affect work, money, friendships, and health—not just romance
- •Changing your self-relationship is foundational for lasting change
- •Early conditioning becomes the lens through which you interpret everything
How early conditioning wires the brain (0–2 years): repetition + emotion creates lasting patterns
Thais explains how attachment rules are programmed extremely early, often before you can remember. She introduces the neuroplasticity mechanism: repeated experiences paired with emotion “fire and wire” neural pathways that later drive adult behavior.
- •Attachment conditioning begins as early as ages 0–2
- •Children personalize caregiver behavior into beliefs like ‘I’m not enough’
- •Repetition + emotion creates subconscious programs and default reactions
- •The same beliefs show up across adult life contexts
Integrated Attachment Theory: not just identifying patterns—reconditioning them
Mel highlights a common frustration with attachment theory: it can feel descriptive but not changeable. Thais explains her ‘Integrated Attachment Theory’ framework, designed to identify patterns and then actively recondition them toward secure attachment.
- •Attachment style is learned—not innate—so it can be relearned
- •Integrated Attachment Theory bridges insight to behavior change
- •Reconditioning focuses on what isn’t working and replacing it
- •Goal is thriving relationships and a secure relationship with self
The 4 attachment styles explained: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant
Thais outlines the four styles and the childhood environments that shape them. She describes how secure attachment forms through consistent need-meeting, while the three insecure styles form through inconsistency, neglect, or chronic chaos.
- •Secure: safe to express needs; trust and emotional regulation are easier
- •Anxious-preoccupied: warmth + inconsistency; fear of abandonment and rejection
- •Dismissive-avoidant: emotional neglect; hyper-independence and distancing
- •Fearful-avoidant (disorganized): chaos; push-pull dynamics and low trust
What the subconscious mind is—and why it overrides willpower
Thais breaks down the iceberg model (conscious, subconscious, unconscious) and emphasizes that the subconscious stores the ‘rules’ for love and connection. Because most behavior is subconscious, conscious intentions alone often fail without reprogramming.
- •Subconscious = retrievable storehouse just outside awareness
- •Attachment style = subconscious rules for love, boundaries, communication
- •Subconscious drives ~95–97% of thoughts/emotions/actions
- •Conscious goals can’t ‘out-will’ subconscious programming
Thais’ origin story: addiction recovery leads to mastering subconscious reprogramming
Thais shares how struggling with opiate addiction made her confront the conscious vs. subconscious conflict firsthand. Her clinical work and later integration with attachment theory led to mapping core wounds, needs, and patterns by attachment style.
- •Personal experience: repeating patterns despite strong intentions
- •Key insight: subconscious mind wins unless it’s reconditioned
- •Counseling practice revealed recurring ‘blueprints’ of wounds and needs
- •Attachment styles organize core wounds, boundaries, and communication patterns
How to identify your attachment style as an adult: core wounds, needs, boundaries, communication
After the break, Thais explains practical identification: look at recurring triggers and the ‘worst-case’ fear underneath them. Mel reflects on how people often mislabel themselves as secure and how family patterns become obvious once you know the framework.
- •Use childhood context plus present-day patterns to identify style
- •Core wounds and unmet needs are key diagnostic clues
- •Self-reporting skews ‘secure’ estimates; many misidentify
- •Ask: ‘When I’m triggered, what am I afraid will happen?’
Anxious-preoccupied deep dive: abandonment wounds, reassurance needs, and self-abandonment patterns
Thais details anxious-preoccupied core wounds and how they create nervous-system alarm when distance is sensed. She explains common behaviors (reassurance seeking, frequent texts/calls) and the hidden cost: abandoning yourself to keep others close.
- •Core wounds: abandoned/alone/excluded/rejected/not good enough/unsafe
- •Triggers create panic; soothing is often outsourced to partners
- •Strengths: warmth, thoughtfulness, devotion, supportiveness
- •Sabotage: people-pleasing, weak boundaries, self-abandonment to avoid abandonment
In-the-moment regulation + the 21-day shift: learning to meet your own needs
Mel asks what to do in the moment when anxious urges spike (e.g., wanting to send many texts). Thais outlines isolating the underlying need (certainty, encouragement) and practicing self-provision; the new response feels mechanical at first but becomes automatic with repetition.
- •Identify the need driving the urge (certainty, reassurance, encouragement)
- •Give the need to yourself as a temporary regulation tool
- •Expect it to feel unfamiliar initially; comfort grows with repetition
- •Timeline: noticeable comfort by ~day 7; major change by ~day 21
Dismissive-avoidant deep dive: shame/defectiveness, withdrawal, and the need for appreciation & safety
Thais explains how emotional neglect leads to hyper-independence and distancing (more ‘pulling away’ than overt pushing). She names core wounds, common self-soothing via distractions, and the crucial relational antidotes: consistent safety, empathy, and small, specific appreciation.
- •Core wounds: ‘I’m defective/shameful,’ sensitivity to criticism, fear of reliance
- •Conflict avoidance and retreating into isolation (turtle-in-shell pattern)
- •Soothing via TV, food, substances, games—anything self-contained
- •Needs: safety/consistency, empathy, harmony, and small acknowledgements
Fearful-avoidant deep dive: hypervigilance, trust wounds, and the ‘volcano’ threshold
Thais describes fearful-avoidant as a mix of anxious and avoidant traits shaped by chaos. The hallmark is hypervigilance and difficulty trusting—both people and outcomes—often paired with overachievement, people-first patterns, and eventual emotional eruption after prolonged suppression.
- •Primary theme: trust struggle; reads micro-shifts quickly (hypervigilance)
- •Core wounds include abandonment + trapped/powerless + distrust/betrayal themes
- •Often high-achieving; strong in crises but neglects self until overwhelmed
- •Holds needs in, then hits a threshold and erupts (‘volcano’ pattern)
Reprogramming the subconscious: autosuggestion, alpha states, imagery + emotion + repetition
Thais gives a tactical method for changing core wounds: autosuggestion in a suggestible (alpha-wave) state, especially right after waking or before sleep. Instead of affirmations, she emphasizes imagery and emotion, building evidence that directly ‘speaks’ the subconscious language over 21 days.
- •Get into a suggestible alpha state (wake-up window; avoid phone)
- •Pick the core wound and identify its opposite belief
- •Subconscious responds to emotion + imagery, not language alone
- •Use 10 vivid ‘evidence’ memories/images; repeat daily for 21 days
When you can’t find evidence you’re lovable: start general, borrow models, and build momentum
Mel raises the common block: ‘I can’t imagine being loved.’ Thais suggests starting with a smaller-belief statement (‘It’s possible people are lovable’) and using external models (others’ loving moments) until resonance grows—then progressively personalize the belief.
- •Start with believable general statements; then step toward ‘me’ statements
- •Use modeled examples (others, media, real-life moments) when memories aren’t available
- •Momentum builds around day ~7 as resistance drops
- •Record and replay your evidence list to streamline repetition
Bonus meditation + closing: applying the framework to become the most secure version of yourself
Mel summarizes the practical value: attachment styles can change through subconscious work, and listeners get a free 21-day meditation recorded by Thais. The episode closes with encouragement to apply the tools consistently for freer, healthier relationships.
- •Meditation is designed for 21 days to reinforce reprogramming
- •Goal: shed core wounds so you don’t constantly cope/apologize/backtrack
- •Mel reflects on learning her attachment style differs from what she assumed
- •Call to action: listen to the next episode meditation and practice daily

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