Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist

1. 0:00 – 1:23

   Welcome

   1. MRMel Robbins0:00

      (instrumental music plays) Today, on the Mel Robbins Podcast, you and I are gonna spend some time together in the bedroom. If you can't talk about sex, if you can't ask for what you want, if you don't know how to bring it up, if you're going through a dry spell, or if you're like me and my husband and you wanna have more sex but you're just so tired. Holy cow, our conversation is gonna be surprising, pleasure-inducing, filled with practical advice which is gonna flip most of the things that you and I know about desire, pleasure, sex drive, and orgasm right on its head. No pun intended. Just imagine a world where you're having more sex, you feel more connected and safe. You're also having more fun in the bedroom. Well, that's exactly what you're gonna learn how to create in your life today. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so excited that you're here. I cannot wait for our conversation today, and it's always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you. And if you're a new listener, I just wanna take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm so glad you're here, and because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, here's what I know. I, first of all, know you value your time because you made time and found time to listen to this,

2. 1:23 – 4:08

   Why You Should Stop Settling for Mediocre Sex.

   1. MRMel Robbins1:23

      and let me tell you something. This episode is gonna deliver the goods, because today we're talking about sex, and your pleasure, connection, intimacy, fun, it matters. You deserve to have this part of your life feel satisfying and fun, whether you're single or whether you're in a relationship. And did you know that sex is one of the top three reasons why people get divorced or break up? But that's not gonna happen to you because improving your sex life, totally solvable problem. So if you're not having sex right now, or if you're not having enough, or if it's not pleasurable, or if you'd like to mix things up but you just don't have a clue how to talk about it or bring it up, first of all, you're not the only one. And what I love about our expert today is that she's even gonna tell you this was hard for her to talk about in her life, and she's been in clinical practice as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years, and she's been married for 17. See, here's the thing. None of us have been taught about sex, and more importantly, everything that you and I have seen in the movies or what we think it's supposed to be, wrong. That's why you and I hint. It's why we fake. It's why we're tolerating less than we deserve. And the solution? This is the good news. It's right in front of your face, and wouldn't it be so awesome if it weren't such a chore or embarrassing to talk about? I mean, personally, I've been married for 28 years, and even I'm embarrassed to talk about it with my husband Chris. Just imagine a world where you could be having more of it and enjoy it more. Well, that's my mission and what's available to you today. So if you're single, just pat yourself on the back because you're about to learn something I wish I knew 35 years ago. If you're in a new relationship, I know you're probably having more sex than my husband and I are, but what you're gonna learn is gonna make it even better, because licensed sex therapist, New York Times best-selling author Vanessa Moran is here. And look, I'm gonna ask the embarrassing questions. I'm even gonna open up my bedroom and my marriage. Even Chris, my husband, has jumped in with some questions for Vanessa. I have no idea what they are. I'm gonna hear them live when you hear them. So, let me tell you a little bit about Vanessa. Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist and a sex therapist with over 20 years of clinical practice helping people have healthier, more satisfying sex lives. She's known for her work in making sex therapy more accessible. She is the author of the New York Times best-selling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, and she and her husband Zander also host the number one rated sexuality podcast called Pillow Talks. You're gonna

3. 4:08 – 16:17

   Mel Personally Struggles with Sex Talk.

   1. MRMel Robbins4:08

      love her. So let's jump in, 'cause I got questions and I know you do too. Vanessa Moran, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

   2. VMVanessa Marin4:17

      Thank you so much for having me. I am so excited to be here.

   3. MRMel Robbins4:20

      Now, is it normal for people who interview you to feel kinda nervous?

   4. VMVanessa Marin4:23

      Yes. Are you a little bit nervous right now? (laughs)

   5. MRMel Robbins4:25

      I'm definitely nervous, and I suppose it's because I'm one of these people that's a little bit squeamish about sex...

   6. VMVanessa Marin4:32

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins4:32

      ... which might surprise you as you're listening to me right now. You know, you've hit play on this. You know what you're in for. This is an adult conversation. And I'm out there and I share a lot, but when it comes to sex, I'm... I don't know, like maybe a little bit of a prude.

   8. VMVanessa Marin4:49

      Well, let me say thank you so much for being willing to have these conversations. I, I think it's really important for us to recognize we are all a little squeamish and embarrassed. I've been doing this work for two decades, and I get a little squeamish and awkward and weird sometimes. You know, we were not born being ashamed of sex. We were all taught to be, and I think you're doing a really great service to your community by showing people, "Look, I can feel awkward and squeamish and weird and still choose to do it anyway."

   9. MRMel Robbins5:18

      That's true, both the sex and talk about it, right?

   10. VMVanessa Marin5:20

       Mm-hmm. (laughs)

   11. MRMel Robbins5:21

       Choose to do it anyway. I think we're gonna talk a lot about that. Could you speak directly to the person that's listening, whether they're in their car or they're sitting at work or they've taken you and I, Vanessa, on a walk, and just tell them what might they experience that's different in life if they take everything that you're about to share and I'm about to confess to heart, and they apply it? What's gonna change in their life?

   12. VMVanessa Marin5:50

       You know, I think so many of us in long-term relationships, if we're really honest with ourselves, we kinda feel like we've been lied to or cheated a little bit. Like, we've grown up with this idea of romance and intimacy and this thought of what relationships are supposed to look like, and a lot of us are in these long-term relationships thinking...This is it?

   13. MRMel Robbins6:10

       Mm-hmm.

   14. VMVanessa Marin6:10

       Like, this disconnection, this lack of sex, like, this is really what relationships are all about? And so, I want the listener to know that if you listen to this episode, if you put these techniques and tools into place, you can have the kind of intimacy that you've always wanted. You can have that intimacy that really leaves you feeling so close to your partner, connected to your partner. Close to yourself, too.

   15. MRMel Robbins6:35

       Hm. So, for the person that's listening that's single, I would also love to have you speak directly to that person, because I know that this is also gonna be one of those episodes, since none of us like talking about sex-

   16. VMVanessa Marin6:48

       Mm-hmm.

   17. MRMel Robbins6:49

       ... that you send it to somebody. Like, if you're single and listening to our conversation today, how might your life change if they take to heart everything that you're about to share and they apply it to their life?

   18. VMVanessa Marin7:03

       It's an incredible opportunity when you're single to learn these skills that you can then bring into your next relationship. Most of the couples that my husband Xander and I work with, they've been in relationships 10, 20, 30, 40 years.

   19. MRMel Robbins7:17

       Mm-hmm.

   20. VMVanessa Marin7:17

       And when you're that far into a relationship, starting to untangle some of these dynamics can feel really challenging. And so, if you get to prepare yourself before you even get into your next relationship and know, "Okay, this is what I know about myself, this is how I'm gonna communicate to my partner, this is the kind of partner that I'm looking for," you're going to be so well-prepared to have an extraordinary relationship.

   21. MRMel Robbins7:38

       What keeps you up at night as a licensed sex therapist?

   22. VMVanessa Marin7:42

       I stay up at night knowing that there are so many couples struggling with their sex lives, when the reality is that there are very simple and practical things that we can all do to experience that incredible, deep intimacy with each other. I know sexual issues can feel really big and really complicated when we're in the middle of them, but there really are simple things that we can do to feel closer to each other. It's just the fact that sex is still s- so taboo to talk about that leaves us feeling stuck, feeling like we're broken, something's wrong with us, and there are no solutions, but there are.

   23. MRMel Robbins8:19

       Why are so many of us feeling disconnected in our sex lives?

   24. VMVanessa Marin8:25

       Because we're feeling disconnected in our relationships too. One of the big mistakes that people make when it comes to sex is we try to compartmentalize it. We think of sex as, "Oh, it's just this thing that happens in the bedroom at the end of the night with the doors closed and lights turned off." But the reality is that the level of connection we feel or don't feel with our partner all throughout the day heavily impacts our desire to be intimate with them at the end of the night. And the sad reality is, most couples in long-term relationships feel deeply disconnected from each other. You know, we hear the classic phrases, "We feel like roommates rather than romantic partners," "We're like two ships passing in the night." And so, if you're feeling that level of disconnection in your sex life, it's actually, in a funny way, an invitation to take a look at, well, what's going on in the relationship overall?

   25. MRMel Robbins9:13

       Well, I can relate to that. I mean, I think that when you have a person that you're in a relationship, and of course, I've been married for 28 years, um, having the same person be the person that you wake up next to, you grocery shop with, you cook dinner with, you pay bills with, you, if you have kids or you have furry kids that you're taking care of, the logistics around that, that it can become very transactional.

   26. VMVanessa Marin9:41

       Mm-hmm.

   27. MRMel Robbins9:42

       Like, you're doing life together, but you're not actually doing each other. I mean, I love Chris like crazy, I'm super attracted to him. And as much as I want more sex, I'm like, "Do I?" Like, I'm actually very, very tired. And so-

   28. VMVanessa Marin9:55

       Mm-hmm.

   29. MRMel Robbins9:56

       ... I relate to what you're saying. And you know, what is your advice to me? If I want more sex, but I'm not sure that I want more sex-

   30. VMVanessa Marin10:06

       Yeah.
4. 16:17 – 39:03

   Chris’s Sex Questions & the Advice That Works.

   1. VMVanessa Marin16:17

      right now."

   2. MRMel Robbins16:18

      You know, I, I told my husband Chris that you were coming on, and I said, "Would you like to ask Vanessa a couple questions?"

   3. VMVanessa Marin16:28

      Mm-hmm.

   4. MRMel Robbins16:29

      And I understand that he has videotaped a couple questions and texted them to you.

   5. VMVanessa Marin16:35

      (laughs)

   6. MRMel Robbins16:35

      I do not know what they are. I'm a little nervous 'cause I feel like I'm about to get blamed for something. But in the interest of both of us getting the advice that we need, I would love to hear my husband's questions and your answers.

   7. VMVanessa Marin16:50

      All right. First, though, I wanna ask, why do you think you're gonna be blamed for something?

   8. MRMel Robbins16:54

      Um.

   9. VMVanessa Marin16:54

      What comes up for you around that?

   10. MRMel Robbins16:55

       Well, I have a feeling that he's gonna say I'm all talk, no follow through.

   11. VMVanessa Marin16:59

       Okay.

   12. MRMel Robbins16:59

       Because I do wanna be having more sex 'cause I do enjoy it-

   13. VMVanessa Marin17:03

       Mm-hmm.

   14. MRMel Robbins17:03

       ... but I'm just tired. Like, I'll always be like, "We gotta have sex tonight," and he's like, "Yeah, we gotta have sex tonight." And then he's asleep at 8:30, and when I crawl into bed at 9:30, you know, he's like (snores) , and I'm-

   15. VMVanessa Marin17:14

       (laughs)

   16. MRMel Robbins17:14

       ... I'm like, "Okay, I'm not waking him up." Like, this is, "I'm just gonna go to bed and then we'll have sex in the morning." And then he's up at 5:15 and I'm still sleeping-

   17. VMVanessa Marin17:21

       Mm-hmm.

   18. MRMel Robbins17:21

       ... and so it just feels like I keep saying something, but I'm not doing what I said-

   19. VMVanessa Marin17:30

       Mm-hmm.

   20. MRMel Robbins17:30

       ... I wanted. And then the second thing is like, I think it's what you talked about, which is even in a relationship where we've been married for 28 years, and even with a person that I love more than anybody, who I trust more than anybody, I still feel squeamish and, uh, uncomfortable talking about-

   21. VMVanessa Marin17:53

       Mm-hmm.

   22. MRMel Robbins17:54

       ... either what I want or what he might want that I'm not delivering, and kind of hearing that I'm falling short or that he's bored. And so I think we've been hinting around wanting things to change.

   23. VMVanessa Marin18:07

       Yeah.

   24. MRMel Robbins18:07

       But we actually haven't made them change.

   25. VMVanessa Marin18:10

       I appreciate the vulnerability so much, and you're gonna see in just a minute, there's some shared similarities that you and Chris have here. But what you're illustrating is one of the most common dynamics that comes up for couples. Most of us are really afraid to talk about our sex lives. Even Xander and I struggled to talk about our sex lives for years. And when we don't talk about it, our brains naturally go to this negative place, "Oh, he thinks I'm doing something bad. He's gonna blame me. He's gonna call me out. It's all my fault." And you'll see in a second, like, Chris is actually thinking some of the same sorts of things. So-

   26. MRMel Robbins18:46

       Oh, I don't know if that's good or bad. All I know is that my husband-

   27. VMVanessa Marin18:49

       (laughs)

   28. MRMel Robbins18:49

       ... sent you videos, uh, asking-

   29. VMVanessa Marin18:53

       Yeah.

   30. MRMel Robbins18:53

       ... some questions, and I have no clue what the questions are.
5. 39:03 – 42:06

   How to Take Responsibility for Your Pleasure.

   1. MRMel Robbins39:03

   2. VMVanessa Marin39:03

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins39:03

      Um, or you're uncomfortable talking about it.

   4. VMVanessa Marin39:07

      Mm-hmm.

   5. MRMel Robbins39:08

      What does taking responsibility for this part of your life and being somebody who initiates intimacy because you want it, how does that change you?

   6. VMVanessa Marin39:24

      Mm-hmm. It absolutely does. It's really important for us to recognize that our sex life is our responsibility. And of course, who doesn't want this amazing, magical partner who knows everything to do and just goes ahead and does it? But that's sadly not real life. But there really is a joy in us taking that ownership and deciding, "You know what? I wanna figure this out for myself. I wanna understand, why do I feel so squeamish? Why do I feel so uncomfortable? Why do I feel so awkward?" I've gone through plenty of those experiences myself. I actually felt deeply uncomfortable initiating for a really long time. And there are even times to this day where I get (laughs) a little awkward, and I kind of try to talk myself out of it. Like, "No, I, I shouldn't. He, he's doing something right now. I, I won't bother him." So I get it. It is really uncomfortable. But there's so much knowledge for us to uncover about ourselves of like, "Where does that come from within me?" And I think especially as women, we grow up being taught that our job is to put the brakes on sex. We're supposed to say no. We're supposed to slow things down. We're not supposed to say yes too often, but also not... You know, it's, we... There are all these rules that get put on us as women. And I find myself even to this day, even after all this work that I've done, there will be times that Xander will initiate, and I get that knee-jerk, like, "I'm not supposed to. Oh, that's bad. I'm not supposed to." And so just being able to recognize, "That's not me. That's some crap that I was taught. Decades of crappy socialization, growing up in a really sex-negative society." So I can acknowledge that that lies within me, but I can also acknowledge, "That is not me." But what I would also encourage you guys to think about are: what are the specific ways that each of you could feel more cared for-

   7. MRMel Robbins41:09

      Mm.

   8. VMVanessa Marin41:10

      ... more catered to during sex? And come up with specific things. Is it, "I love it when he takes time to massage my back and do a real massage, not one of those 20 seconds, like, um, my fing-... hands are heading down south"?

   9. MRMel Robbins41:22

      The kind I do, you mean?

   10. VMVanessa Marin41:23

       Yeah. (laughs) Yeah. "I want him to do a real massage. I love it when he brushes my hair. I love it when he draws me a bath and lets me have 10 minutes of alone time. And that's my transition ritual, and then I come into, you know, spending time together." And I would ask him the same question. What are the specific ways that he could feel taken care of by you? 'Cause that's some real intimacy there, too, if we can let our partner take care of us and tell them like-

   11. MRMel Robbins41:48

       Oh, I love this.

   12. VMVanessa Marin41:48

       ... "Yeah, these are the things that you could do that would help me feel so cherished and taken care of and, like, I could just relax into receiving." And especially for us women, we struggle so-

   13. MRMel Robbins41:59

       Mm.

   14. VMVanessa Marin41:59

       ... much with receiving. So to be able to ask your partner, he... L- you know, "Here's what I need to help me receive."

6. 42:06 – 52:52

   The Simple Trick to Save Your Sex Life.

   1. VMVanessa Marin42:06

   2. MRMel Robbins42:06

      What is the single best thing a couple can do if they're on their way to a dry bedroom?

   3. VMVanessa Marin42:11

      Talk about it. So most of us, when we're in these difficult stages of a relationship, we don't wanna acknowledge what's going on. I know when Xander and I have had our dry spell moments, it's like, it's embarrassing. You don't wanna acknowledge the elephant in the (laughs) bedroom. And so you, you bury your head in the sand. You don't wanna talk about it. But what happens is it leaves your partner wondering how you really feel-

   4. MRMel Robbins42:33

      Mm.

   5. VMVanessa Marin42:33

      ... about that. I remember there was a time early in our relationship where I, I caught myself realizing, "I don't remember the last time we had sex." And then my next thought was, "Does Xander..."... noticed? Does he realize it's been a long time, or does he not care?" And it was all this, you know, fear and uncertainty came up for me, "Does he not care?" And that's what happens when we're not talking about it. Your partner wonders, "Do they not care about me anymore? They're not attracted to me anymore." So even just something as simple as acknowledging, 'cause let's be honest, nobody gets into a dry spell on purpose 'cause life happens. Stuff happens.

   6. MRMel Robbins43:06

      What is a dry spell? Like, as a licensed sex therapist-

   7. VMVanessa Marin43:10

      Mm-hmm.

   8. MRMel Robbins43:10

      ... what is the normal amount of time that you should go without having sex, or like, I-I wanna know, like, when do you know you're in the danger zone-

   9. VMVanessa Marin43:17

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins43:17

       ... versus how much sex are people actually having when they're in a relationship?

   11. VMVanessa Marin43:23

       There's no specific definition of what counts as a dry spell. Some therapists will use, like, a one year.

   12. MRMel Robbins43:29

       One year?

   13. VMVanessa Marin43:30

       Might be a, they might call that a sexless relationship or a sexless marriage. But most people report if it's been, like, three to six months, to me, that feels like a dry spell. We've polled our audience about that. So even just acknowledging it and saying, "Hey, I know life has been so full lately. We've had all the kids stuff. Work has been crazy. But I want you to know, I'm thinking about you, and I miss you, and I really want us to take a look at the calendar and figure out what's some time that we can carve out for just us." That helps your partner recognize, like, you still care, you still wanna connect.

   14. MRMel Robbins44:02

       You say that you and your husband make out every night?

   15. VMVanessa Marin44:05

       Every night.

   16. MRMel Robbins44:06

       What?

   17. VMVanessa Marin44:06

       (laughs)

   18. MRMel Robbins44:08

       Why?

   19. VMVanessa Marin44:08

       Well, we started doing this a couple years ago because we fell into the exact same trap that I just told you most couples fall into, and I- I realized one day, I don't remember the last time that we made out, and we used to make out all the time at the beginning of our relationship, and it was just one of those incredibly sweet, pure, like brings you back to being a teenager, making out in the car. And so I realized, "I- I really miss that. I miss that we're not making out with each other." So I decided, "You know what? Let's make a ritual out of it. Let's make a fun little ritual where I want us to make out every single night." And so for the first, I think about a month, we made a little rule that I said, you know, "The point of this is not that we're trying to get each other turned on and have sex, so we're actually gonna say no sex after the make out."

   20. MRMel Robbins44:51

       So walk me through this. When... 'Cause you said the bedroom, and I'm- I immed- immediately imagined the kitchen with Chris, but-

   21. VMVanessa Marin44:57

       Yeah, you could do it in the kitchen.

   22. MRMel Robbins44:58

       ... walk me through how you and your husband started this ritual, and step-by-step what you do.

   23. VMVanessa Marin45:04

       So we do do it in the bedroom, but you could absolutely do it in another place. And if you're worried about it feeling like it needs to lead to more, I actually would recommend starting it in a different place. But we made that rule, that for the, that first month, no, no sex afterwards. We have to leave even if we want to. (laughs) And the rule was all that has to happen is there has to be a little tongue contact. (laughs) So it could be 10 seconds, it could be a couple minutes, and we just do, like, you know, a minute every night, and it's just this really sweet little moment of connection for us where we get to enjoy kissing just for the sake of kissing. It- it's a really great way to bring that romance back.

   24. MRMel Robbins45:39

       What is the bristle response?

   25. VMVanessa Marin45:41

       That is the name of a term that I coined to describe when your partner reaches out to touch you, and you feel your whole body recoil. You feel yourself tense up. You just don't wanna be touched. And what that's often the result of is actually bad initiation. So like I said, a lot of us have started to make that connection that touch leads to sex, and because so many people do feel vulnerable initiating, most people won't come out and directly use their words. So they will do that, the hug that lingers a little bit longer than it should, the hand on the thigh that's lingering, and I, we have such interesting radar. Like, I can tell the split second that Xander starts to initiate. I'm like, "I know what you're doing." (laughs) And so, um, a lot of us have then become on guard to our partner's touch-

   26. MRMel Robbins46:26

       Ah.

   27. VMVanessa Marin46:26

       ... because we're so worried, like, "Oh, I don't want him to touch me, and then it leads to more. I don't wanna touch him, and then he'll get turned on, and he thinks I want it to lead to more." So we start cutting ourselves off from that touch-

   28. MRMel Robbins46:37

       Yeah.

   29. VMVanessa Marin46:37

       ... and we, our whole body will react to it. And it feels terrible in the moment, like, this is the person that you love the most in this world, and even if they are just trying to give you a casual little pat on the back, like, you feel yourself, like, "No, get away from me." So actually, the, the solution for getting rid of the bristle reaction is, again, more non-sexual physical touch. We have to break that connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex.

   30. MRMel Robbins47:00

       If you're listening to this and you realize you bristle-
7. 52:52 – 57:25

   How to Unlock Deeper Intimacy with Your Partner.

   1. MRMel Robbins52:52

      Is there, uh, a question that, if you're in a new relationship, that you can ask that really opens up more dialogue around it if you're really enjoying this person-

   2. VMVanessa Marin53:07

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins53:07

      ... and you want to take more responsibility and you want to be more open about this topic?

   4. VMVanessa Marin53:14

      Here's a great first question that you could ask somebody, and this actually works whether you're dating or you're in a long-term relationship. Ask them, "How would you describe what great sex feels like?"

   5. MRMel Robbins53:26

      Ooh.

   6. VMVanessa Marin53:26

      "What do you wanna feel? Like, let's imagine you've just had great sex, you're lying there in bed afterwards. What are you thinking? 'That was so,' fill in the blank." I actually asked Chris that question.

   7. MRMel Robbins53:36

      You did?

   8. VMVanessa Marin53:37

      I did.

   9. MRMel Robbins53:37

      What did he say?

   10. VMVanessa Marin53:38

       Do you think you can guess his answers? And I'm curious your answers too. What is it that you're wanting to feel in those moments afterwards? So it could be, like, excitement, connection, vulnerability.

   11. MRMel Robbins53:48

       Oh, I think Chris would feel, like, deeply connected and seen and, uh, tired 'cause he had a just mind-blowing orgasm-

   12. VMVanessa Marin53:59

       (laughs) You got one of them.

   13. MRMel Robbins54:00

       ... and laying there. Or, I only got one of them?

   14. VMVanessa Marin54:03

       He gave me two. Connected.

   15. MRMel Robbins54:04

       Okay.

   16. VMVanessa Marin54:05

       Connected was one of them.

   17. MRMel Robbins54:06

       Well, what was the other one?

   18. VMVanessa Marin54:07

       Playful.

   19. MRMel Robbins54:08

       Oh, really?

   20. VMVanessa Marin54:10

       And that's one of my favorite words too. That's something that I, Xander and I talked a lot about. Another great question is, to ask each other is, "What makes sex worth having?"

   21. MRMel Robbins54:20

       Ooh.

   22. VMVanessa Marin54:20

       And for me, I realized, when I really thought about my favorite experiences with Xander, I realized they were the moments when we were playful. Like, I am such a goofball. We're really dorky with each other. And I think a lot of us tend to take sex very seriously.

   23. MRMel Robbins54:35

       Yeah.

   24. VMVanessa Marin54:36

       We feel like, you know, we have to seduce each other and be so serious. And, and I realized, like, no, the times that I've had the most fun were when we were laughing in bed, when, like, awkward things happened and we laughed together, when we made silly jokes in the middle of sex with each other. Like, for me, playful, being playful makes sex worth having.

   25. MRMel Robbins54:56

       I'm so glad you shared that with me.Because I never in a million years would've thought that that was his answer, but it gives me a clue-

   26. VMVanessa Marin55:04

       Mm-hmm.

   27. MRMel Robbins55:04

       ... as to what I could do differently.

   28. VMVanessa Marin55:06

       What would your words be? (laughs)

   29. MRMel Robbins55:07

       Um, what would my words be? I think, well, definitely deeply connected and just kind of like, you know, it's afterward, you're like two octopuses with your arms and legs-

   30. VMVanessa Marin55:17

       (laughs)
8. 57:25 – 1:13:18

   A Sex Therapist’s 3 Tips for Better Sex.

   1. VMVanessa Marin57:25

      Mm-hmm.

   2. MRMel Robbins57:25

      What are some little things that make a big difference in your sex life?

   3. VMVanessa Marin57:30

      Ooh, I'll give you three. First one, gratitude, which you might not expect, but research has shown that gratitude is actually the number one predictor of marital satisfaction. And we talked earlier about how emotional and physical intimacy are really deeply intertwined. So if we wanna feel closer to our partner and get, like, the maximum bang for our buck, gratitude is the fastest thing that you can do. It's l- l- literally a few seconds to say, "I appreciate this about you. I saw that you did that. Thank you so much for this." Second thing is some form of physical contact with each other. We talked a lot about non-sexual touch. It's so important to have that non-sexual touch, and in particular, I like a six-second kiss and a 20 to 30-second hug. We, we actually have research showing that those are the specific time frames it takes for our body to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. The trust hormone makes us feel close to each other. And then the third thing, eye contact. It is wild how few couples make eye contact with each other. And I think that there is no greater strategy, tragedy than being in a long-term relationship with somebody but feeling literally and emotionally unseen by them.

   4. MRMel Robbins58:44

      So-

   5. VMVanessa Marin58:45

      So those three things. You can do those three things in under a minute every single day, and those will make such a big impact on your sex life.

   6. MRMel Robbins58:51

      Gratitude, eye contact, and then-

   7. VMVanessa Marin58:54

      Non-sexual touch.

   8. MRMel Robbins58:54

      ... you said a six-second kiss or a 30-second hug, and you release the oxytocin in your body-

   9. VMVanessa Marin59:02

      Mm-hmm.

   10. MRMel Robbins59:02

       ... that is that sort of bonding chemical.

   11. VMVanessa Marin59:04

       Yeah.

   12. MRMel Robbins59:05

       Oh, I love that.

   13. VMVanessa Marin59:06

       You can even multitask. Do the hug while you're giving the gratitude. It's so fast. I know we all feel busy. We all feel overwhelmed. Sex can feel like this big, complicated, heavy thing. But if you can take those 60 seconds for each other once a day, it will make all the difference in the world.

   14. MRMel Robbins59:23

       You've been working as a licensed sex therapist for over 20 years. You're married. Vanessa, what are three things you would never do?

   15. VMVanessa Marin59:31

       Okay, I'll tell you these, and I have to say, though, that I have done all of these things. (laughs)

   16. MRMel Robbins59:36

       (laughs)

   17. VMVanessa Marin59:36

       I learned a lot of my advice by doing the exact opposite thing. But these are things that I would no longer do. I would never fake another orgasm. I would never mock my partner for initiating sex-

   18. MRMel Robbins59:48

       Hmm.

   19. VMVanessa Marin59:48

       ... even if he's initiating at a time that I'm really not open to it. Even if I'm thinking like, "R- re- now? You wanna have sex right now?" I won't mock him or make fun of him for that, because I wanna recognize the vulnerability it takes to do that. And the third thing is, I would not take it personally if my partner is experiencing performance issues. It is really, really challenging for a man to have his body not be responding the way that he wants it to. And unfortunately, so many of us women, again, myself included many times (laughs) in the past, we make it about us. Like, "You don't think I'm sexy? What's wrong with me? I did something bad," and that just creates so much more stress and anxiety for him in that moment. So recognizing, like, "Hey, I'm gonna be your teammate in this. I'm not gonna make it about me."

   20. MRMel Robbins1:00:33

       Hmm, beautiful. So you have this brand new deck of cards, The Sex Talk, with all these different kinds of questions that couples can ask, uh, each other. Why did you create this?

   21. VMVanessa Marin1:00:45

       The card deck is based off of our New York Times best-selling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. We wanted to have a more fun and playful way to continue encouraging conversation, so Sex Talks is all about the five conversations that every couple needs to have that'll transform your sex life. And we thought, "Let's make it into a game too." (laughs) So we have this great card deck. There are cards broken down into five categories, and it just makes it feel fun to talk about sex. E- everybody's heard the advice, "Talk about sex," you know, when you talk about it with your partner, but none of us know, like, "But what do I say? How do I say it? When do I say it?"

   22. MRMel Robbins1:01:21

       Right.

   23. VMVanessa Marin1:01:22

       So with the book and the deck, we really set out to solve that for you and lay out for you exactly what to say.

   24. MRMel Robbins1:01:28

       Here are some of the questions. Would you rather have a two-minute quickie with an orgasm or 30 minutes of pleasure with no orgasm? Now, when I first read that, I'm like,-

   25. VMVanessa Marin1:01:37

       (laughs)

   26. MRMel Robbins1:01:37

       ... "Well, a quickie, and why would I want pleasure with no orgasm?" But if you ask it in a non-confrontational way-

   27. VMVanessa Marin1:01:43

       Mm-hmm.

   28. MRMel Robbins1:01:44

       You might actually find-

   29. VMVanessa Marin1:01:46

       Mm-hmm.

   30. MRMel Robbins1:01:46

       ... and I'd probably find with my husband, I'm realizing-
9. 1:13:18 – 1:17:48

   Your Best Sex Starts Today.

   1. MRMel Robbins1:13:18

      Um, but if there's one thing that they could take away from this conversation, and if you could wave a magic wand and tell them, "Here's the one thing I want you to do-"

   2. VMVanessa Marin1:13:33

      Mm-hmm.

   3. MRMel Robbins1:13:33

      "... today," what would it be?

   4. VMVanessa Marin1:13:35

      I want you to start talking about sex with your partner. It is such an important foundation for us to lay with each other. There are no other aspects of our relationship that we don't talk about, or that we would expect would function perfectly with zero communication. Like, imagine trying to be a parent with zero communication. Imagine trying to cook dinner with zero (laughs) communication. Like, we won't, we don't do that to anything else other than our sex life. And so I know it can feel intimidating and scary, but I hope that you've learned some ways that we can ease into it and realize, like, it actually can be super fun and really connecting to talk about sex.

   5. MRMel Robbins1:14:13

      Well, I'm thrilled to have had the opportunity to be here with you. And as much as I make jokes about this as a way to deflect, I'm also feeling very grateful that Chris was willing to-

   6. VMVanessa Marin1:14:26

      Mm-hmm.

   7. MRMel Robbins1:14:26

      ... ask you questions-

   8. VMVanessa Marin1:14:27

      Mm-hmm.

   9. MRMel Robbins1:14:27

      ... that I could hear, that I could learn from. And I really do think everything that we've learned today is going to help...... the person listening, me, my husband, the person that's in your life-

   10. VMVanessa Marin1:14:40

       Mm-hmm.

   11. MRMel Robbins1:14:41

       ... to enjoy this really important aspect of being an adult.

   12. VMVanessa Marin1:14:46

       Yeah.

   13. MRMel Robbins1:14:46

       So, what are your parting words?

   14. VMVanessa Marin1:14:49

       Well, I'm so glad to have been here. I hope that this episode has given you at least one or two little tidbits that you can take into your life. And I feel so much hope for you and for everybody listening that they can create that kind of intimacy that they've always wanted to experience-

   15. MRMel Robbins1:15:07

       Uh-

   16. VMVanessa Marin1:15:07

       ... with themselves and their partner.

   17. MRMel Robbins1:15:08

       I'm really excited. I actually can't wait to get home and have some fun playing around with Christopher Robbins.

   18. VMVanessa Marin1:15:14

       (laughs)

   19. MRMel Robbins1:15:14

       And I'm really excited for you as you're listening and how you're going to use everything that Vanessa shared with you today, based on the research, based on her 20 years of clinical practice, based on her best-selling book, to take control of this area of your life because you deserve intimacy, you deserve pleasure, you deserve play, you deserve a blissful, amazing orgasm.

   20. VMVanessa Marin1:15:38

       Mm-hmm.

   21. MRMel Robbins1:15:38

       And now we know we're having sex before the date.

   22. VMVanessa Marin1:15:41

       Yes. (laughs)

   23. MRMel Robbins1:15:42

       Vanessa, thank you, thank you, thank you for all you do.

   24. VMVanessa Marin1:15:44

       (laughs)

   25. MRMel Robbins1:15:44

       Thank you for hopping on a plane and being here with us in our Boston studios.

   26. VMVanessa Marin1:15:49

       Thank you so much for having me.

   27. MRMel Robbins1:15:51

       Oh my gosh. I learned so... I'm so excited-

   28. VMVanessa Marin1:15:53

       (laughs)

   29. MRMel Robbins1:15:53

       ... that you were here. I'm so excited about what I learned, and I'm so excited for you. There is zero doubt in my mind that everything that you just learned will absolutely help you create a better life, feel more pleasure, feel more comfortable. You can share this episode as a way to break the ice, trap them in the car with you and just hit play, and now you're listening to and talking about sex. And none of us are talking about this thing enough, and so I'm glad you and I were here together today to not only learn, but to be talking about this super important topic as well. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. Now that you got the roadmap for how to do that in the bedroom, go do it, and I'll see you in a few days. I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode. The moment you hit play, I'll see you there. And thank you for watching all the way to the end. Didn't you love this? And oh my gosh, I wanna do a huge shout-out to my husband, Chris, also for being willing to just jump in. I can't wait to have you share this with the people that you care about and with the partner that you're in a relationship with. And I also can't wait to hear how this improves your life, because there's no doubt in my mind that it will. And, since you're the kind of person that loves supporting people that support you, I got a favor to ask you. Hit subscribe. It is one of the things that you can do to tell me that you really appreciate having free access to world-class experts that are here to help you improve your life. I mean, Vanessa was fantastic, and there's no doubt in my mind that when your sex life improves, so does your life. Thanks for subscribing, and I'm sure you're thinking, "All right, what do I watch next?" Well, if you love this video, you're definitely gonna love this one, and I will be waiting for you the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

Episode duration: 1:17:48