Modern WisdomHow To Know How Someone Feels About You - Vanessa Van Edwards
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 1:15
Hands first: why visible gestures instantly build trust
Vanessa explains why the brain checks hands before faces in first meetings—hands signal intention and safety. She gives practical placement advice, especially for greetings and video calls, to reduce uncertainty and awkwardness.
- •Hands are a primal trust cue because they can signal threat or openness
- •Make hands the first visible thing when you say hello
- •Zoom/video calls increase anxiety when hands are out of frame
- •Visible hands reduce amygdala “worry” and increase perceived trust
- •Gestures can move from merely visible to meaningfully explanatory
- 1:15 – 3:40
Gesture-driven clarity: why the best speakers ‘draw’ their ideas
Chris and Vanessa unpack research on TED Talks showing that higher-gesture speakers get more views. Gestures work like visual illustrations that reinforce meaning and help audiences comprehend structure and emphasis.
- •Viral TED Talks used substantially more gestures than low-view talks
- •People often believe the gesture over the words when they conflict
- •Use gestures to outline lists, size, contrast, and emphasis
- •Gestures act like “pictures” that improve understanding and recall
- •Visual communication parallels why emojis add meaning to text
- 3:40 – 7:00
Charismatic listening: still hands, warmth cues, and the triple nod
Vanessa reframes charisma as not only talking well but also listening well. She offers nonverbal behaviors that signal warmth and keep others speaking, including the slow triple nod and subtle facial engagement cues.
- •Charisma can come from being an excellent listener, not just a great talker
- •Keep hands still but visible; steepling can project calm power
- •Slow triple nod increases the other person’s talking time dramatically
- •Lower-lid flex can signal deep attention but may also indicate scrutiny
- •Use intensity cues as prompts to check for confusion or questions
- 7:00 – 15:33
Pre-speaking ‘winning cocktail’: music, language reframes, laughter, and posture
Vanessa shares a pre-performance routine aimed at shifting internal state—boosting motivation and confidence while lowering anxiety. She emphasizes priming with music, achievement-oriented words, laughter, and body expansion.
- •Aim to adjust internal chemistry: testosterone/dopamine for performance, serotonin to calm
- •Pump-up playlists tied to past wins can quickly shift mood
- •Use achievement words (win/success/achieve) to improve effort and enjoyment
- •Reframe nerves as excitement; saying it out loud changes outcomes (karaoke study)
- •Avoid contracted “loser posture” backstage; expand body to enter confident state
- 15:33 – 19:48
Seated body language (in-person & Zoom): alignment, mirroring, and avoiding barriers
The conversation turns to how to look confident while sitting down, especially on camera. Vanessa highlights alignment toward the person/camera, subtle matching of energy, and avoiding blocking behaviors that read as closed-off.
- •Angle torso/head/toes toward the person or camera to feel ‘on the same page’
- •On Zoom, misalignment (typing off-screen) undermines connection
- •Mirror/match like a thermostat—adapt to fast vs. slow communicators
- •Crossed arms are rated as closed/distant and can reduce creative thinking
- •Leaning in acts as a warmth cue that signals interest and engagement
- 19:48 – 23:55
Face touching and ‘untrustworthy’ tells: what people instinctively read
Vanessa outlines research-linked behaviors that trigger mistrust, especially face touching. She distinguishes pensive stillness (e.g., chin hold) from anxious rubbing and links these cues to common deception and self-soothing behaviors.
- •Face touching can be perceived as untrustworthy; still chin-hold differs from rubbing
- •Mouth covering, nose touching, and eye blocking often cluster with guilt/shame/anxiety
- •Example: Clinton’s self-shush gesture and increased nose touches during deception
- •No single cue proves lying—watch for clusters and sudden changes
- •Other ‘untrustworthy’ behaviors include torso/stomach touching, hand wringing, and blocking
- 23:55 – 30:27
How to detect lying responsibly: baselines, pronoun drops, and micro-expressions
Vanessa explains lie detection as pattern recognition relative to a person’s baseline, not universal rules like “look left = lying.” She proposes a self-experiment to identify recall vs. nervous vs. deception behaviors and adds verbal analysis cues.
- •Establish baseline for recall, then baseline for nervousness, then observe deception leakage
- •Eye-direction myths are unreliable; looking away often reflects normal processing
- •Record and code verbal fillers, pitch changes, gestures, and movement shifts
- •Statement analysis: liars may drop pronouns to distance themselves from the lie
- •Disgust micro-expression can appear during lies due to self-disgust or concealed truth
- 30:27 – 32:24
Why smart people struggle with charisma: competence without warmth reads as suspicious
Chris asks why intelligent, high-achieving people can still come off poorly. Vanessa argues that ideas don’t sell themselves; without warmth cues, competence can trigger distrust—illustrated by Ring’s Shark Tank pitch.
- •Smart people may assume book smarts automatically translate to people skills
- •Competence without warmth can create suspicion and low trust
- •‘No cues’ (muted nonverbal behavior) is itself a negative signal
- •Case study: Ring founder pitched a billion-dollar idea but failed to get deals on Shark Tank
- •Goal: prevent nervous cues from undermining strong ideas
- 32:24 – 39:20
Warmth vs. competence as a thermostat: emails, profiles, smiles, and eye contact
They explore how highly charismatic people balance warmth and competence depending on context and audience. Vanessa gives concrete knobs to turn in writing and in person—emojis vs. data, head tilt vs. steady gaze, and how to avoid creepy eye contact.
- •Charisma is a blend of warmth and competence; adjust based on who you’re speaking to
- •Email cues: warmth via emojis/exclamation/“yay”; competence via data/metrics/power words
- •Warmth cues: slow triple nod, head tilt, genuine smile; visible hands in photos
- •Competence cues: direct gaze, especially eye contact at the end of a point
- •Continuous eye contact is unnatural; liars may hold more eye contact due to rehearsal
- 39:20 – 42:43
Overprepared vs. underprepared: why scripting kills connection
Vanessa argues that overly polished delivery can feel inauthentic and distracting, even if the content is correct. She recommends preparing deeply but speaking conversationally using bullet points, emotion, and controlled imperfection.
- •Least engaging speakers can sound too scripted and precise to be believed
- •Top TED Talks feel conversational—like chatting with a friend
- •Avoid full scripts/teleprompters when possible; use bullets and story beats
- •Perfect feels unreal; vulnerability and genuine emotion increase relatability
- •Share human context (e.g., being ‘recovering awkward’) to create trust and hope
- 42:43 – 49:11
Vocal charisma essentials: low register, breath, avoiding fry, and dynamic volume
Vanessa breaks down vocal cues that signal confidence and reduce perceived anxiety. She teaches speaking on the out-breath, staying in the low end of a natural range, correcting vocal fry with volume, and using volume dynamics to guide attention.
- •Use the lowest end of your natural register—without forcing an unnatural ‘Holmes’ voice
- •Relax shoulders and breathe deeply to keep vocal cords loose
- •Speak on the out-breath, especially on the first word (phone/introductions)
- •Vocal fry often comes from shallow breathing and low volume; fix it by speaking louder
- •Dynamic volume aids comprehension: louder for authority/excitement, softer for intimacy
- 49:11 – 51:19
For social over-thinkers: replace anxiety loops with purposeful goals and ‘Me too’
Chris asks how to get out of your head during interactions. Vanessa suggests swapping self-critical rumination for a simple framework—be purposeful about warmth/competence and search for similarity to build connection.
- •‘Perfect’ doesn’t exist, but ‘purposeful’ does—purpose reduces overthinking
- •Use two guiding goals: warmth and competence (verbal and nonverbal)
- •Shift focus from self-judgment to conversational intention
- •Similarity-attraction effect: aim to create genuine ‘Me too’ moments
- •Ask questions and share stories that reveal shared interests and values
- 51:19 – 58:01
Small talk that doesn’t suck: break scripts with better opening questions
Vanessa shares an experiment with speed networkers showing that common openers produce the worst conversations. She offers alternative prompts that trigger positivity and engagement, plus a caution about asking overly deep questions too early.
- •‘How are you?’ and ‘What do you do?’ score lowest in perceived conversation quality
- •Go on a small-talk diet: boring questions produce boring answers
- •Best replacement opener: ‘What was the highlight of your day?’ (or ‘What’s good?’)
- •Better alternative to ‘What do you do?’: ‘Working on anything exciting recently?’
- •‘What’s your story?’ is polarizing—great for extroverts, too deep for many introverts
- 58:01 – 1:03:08
Resilience to social rejection: accurate cue-reading, ‘friendship allergies,’ and finding your people
Vanessa addresses hypervigilance, misreading neutrality as negativity, and the fear of rejection. She advocates learning negative-expression literacy, accepting that not everyone is your person, and using values-based questions to filter faster.
- •People often underestimate their conversational ability and over-criticize themselves
- •Past experiences (e.g., critical/narcissistic parenting) can bias neutral → negative interpretations
- •Learning micro-expressions helps differentiate true negativity from neutrality
- •Adopt ‘friendship allergies’: identify quick deal-breakers to conserve social battery
- •Use values questions (e.g., goals) to find compatible people faster
- 1:03:08 – 1:15:20
Dating and attractiveness: signal availability, ask deeper questions, and design profiles to filter
Vanessa reframes attractiveness as being physically available and clear, not just good-looking. She gives practical flirting cues, suggests exposure to reduce fear of rejection, and recommends building dating profiles that attract the right match while filtering out mismatches.
- •Signal amplification bias: people miss most attraction cues—so over-signal availability
- •Nonverbal cues: darting/lingering glances; simple low-pressure verbal ‘hey’
- •Exposure reduces anxiety; repeated attempts make rejection feel less threatening
- •Online profiles should include ‘allergies’ (values/preferences) to attract the right people
- •Move dates to ‘level two’ questions (goals, worries, motivations) sooner than checklists
- 1:15:20 – 1:19:41
Compliments that land: praise progress, accept cleanly, and invite specificity
They close with how to give and receive compliments without awkwardness. Vanessa recommends praising effort/progress rather than obvious traits, accepting without deflection, and optionally asking follow-up questions that make the giver feel insightful.
- •Best compliments focus on progress or effort, not fixed obvious traits
- •Receive compliments with ‘Thank you—that’s so kind’ (no apology, no denial)
- •Avoid reflexively returning a generic compliment; it can feel fake
- •Don’t argue with praise—people dislike feeling ‘wrong’ after giving a compliment
- •Follow-up prompts (‘What did you like most?’) deepen the moment and can yield useful feedback
