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Raccoon Wars, Lindsay Clancy, NFL Scammers & Past Crimes - Matt McCusker

Matt McCusker is a comedian, writer, author and podcaster. Expect to learn what Chris’ raccoon wars are all about, Matt reacts to Tolstoy’s diary entries and the Lindsay Clancy trial, what Matt’s former life as an ethical drug dealer was like, the great joys of becoming a father, Matt’s thoughts on the fake 49ers football player, why Matt would make for a poor private investigator and much more… - Get a Free Sample Pack of LMNT’s most popular flavours with your first purchase at https://drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom Get 160+ lab tests for just $365 and save an extra $25 at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Sign up for a free trial from Shopify at https://shopify.com/modernwisdom Get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy App at https://rpstrength.com/modernwisdom Get ChatGPT to explore ideas, solve problems, and learn faster at ⁠⁠https://chatgpt.com - 0:00 Do Raccoons Love Urkel Cereal? 4:37 Bourgeois vs Bosh: Who is the Epitome of Britain? 10:48 The Vicious Farts That Wake Up Your Partner 15:00 Can You Get More American Than Bull Riding? 21:07 Is Line Dancing the Next Big Cult? 29:05 Is This the Biggest NFL Scam? 32:15 How Lindsay Clancy Divided America 41:00 Why Support After Birth is So Important 46:13 Why Having Kids Makes Getting Hit in the Nuts Worth It 56:48 Are We All Natural Pessimists? 01:10:30 Was Matt a Bad Drug Dealer? 01:19:04 Are Life’s Cliches Actually Right? 01:25:47 Ending Up in the Same Spot Isn’t the Same As Having Never Left 01:34:02 Was Matt a Private Investigator? 01:37:08 Where to Find Matt - Get access to every episode 10 hours before YouTube by subscribing for free on Spotify - https://spotify.modernwisdom.com or Apple Podcasts - https://apple.modernwisdom.com Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - https://chriswillx.com/books/ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic here - https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/

Chris WilliamsonhostMatt McCuskerguest
Sep 12, 20261h 37mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 4:37

    Do Raccoons Love Urkel Cereal?

    1. CW

      I'm in a battle with raccoons at the moment

    2. MM

      Where?

    3. CW

      At my backyard

    4. MM

      Really?

    5. CW

      It's just me versus raccoons at the moment

    6. MM

      Do they go on your roof?

    7. CW

      They-- I've got this nice couch thing, like these-- I don't know. It's like comfy. You can lie on it, and they've just wrecked that. They-- every single night they come in, and they wreck that. They decided they were gonna tear up one Croc. I had like two Crocs, like a pair of Crocs left outside. Which, I mean, they might have done me a, like, fashion fucking favor. I don't-

    8. MM

      I, I always feel bad. I almost-- I, I like fought the urge to wear Crocs here today [laughs]

    9. CW

      You're a Crocs guy?

    10. MM

      I love Crocs, yeah.

    11. CW

      Unreal. I'm g- But anyway, like I'm a, I'm actually at war with these fucking raccoons. It feels very demoralizing, like losing a war of wits with an animal that survives exclusively on garbage.

    12. MM

      Yeah.

    13. CW

      Like, oh, that, that's what's defeated me. But I haven't been able to get rid of them, so that's annoying.

    14. MM

      Yeah, you gotta trap 'em.

    15. CW

      You trap... But then what do you do? Get a professional?

    16. MM

      Get rid of them, yeah. Go send them somewhere.

    17. CW

      [laughs]

    18. MM

      Or have a, have a professional come trap them. They'll just release them somewhere else.

    19. CW

      Right, but... Oh, okay. Well, that's-

    20. MM

      You know, you have to like drown them, right? [both laughing] You can't. I kinda love raccoons, but they, they f- I was growing watermelon. Raccoons just destroyed my watermelons.

    21. CW

      When were you growing watermelon?

    22. MM

      This summer.

    23. CW

      You can-

    24. MM

      I had one. I had one big watermelon forming, and I came-- I woke up one morning, and the raccoon had just torn it to shreds, and I was like-

    25. CW

      That was like my Croc.

    26. MM

      Yeah.

    27. CW

      That was, except I hadn't had to grow it, I guess.

    28. MM

      [laughs] I know, yeah.

    29. CW

      But fuck.

    30. MM

      No, I was pissed, but I, I do kinda love raccoons. I was like, "All right. Well, I got 'em."

  2. 4:37 – 10:48

    Bourgeois vs Bosh: Who is the Epitome of Britain?

    1. SP

      the largest steam locomotive in the world. I've waited my whole life to see 4014 Big Boy in action, so today is a very important day. With crowds lining the tracks, an unexpected arrival before the main event. There's 2103.

    2. MM

      Oh, no. [laughs]

    3. SP

      Big Boy.

    4. MM

      What a brutal angle.

    5. CW

      He does it on every video.

    6. MM

      [laughs]

    7. SP

      Here it comes.

    8. CW

      [laughs] Oh, no. Oh, no.

    9. SP

      It's Big Boy. At such an important moment, my phone dies-

    10. MM

      Wow

    11. SP

      ... and I have to reach for Amy's phone, which is fortunately in my pocket.

    12. MM

      You need a camera on your fucking head.

    13. SP

      Yes, yes, yes.

    14. MM

      Big Boy.

    15. SP

      A dream come true, but 2102-

    16. MM

      Wait

    17. SP

      ... is about to blow my mind.

    18. MM

      This was in Pennsylvania, wasn't it?

    19. CW

      I think so, yeah.

    20. MM

      Dude, so this, it was really hot that day, and a lot of those guys passed out.

    21. CW

      That were working?

    22. MM

      A bunch of fat-legged autistic guys went down. [laughs] I'm telling, that day, I, my, my friends were telling me about this. They were, a bunch of people were standing in the field, and they passed out while waiting for Big Boy to come.

    23. CW

      [laughs] Well, I mean, Francis-

    24. MM

      He was just one among many

    25. CW

      ... meanwhile, Francis Bourgeois, he managed to-

    26. MM

      [laughs] He got to live the dream I was telling my friend, I was like, "If I was there with my kid and they passed out awaiting a train-

    27. CW

      [laughs]

    28. MM

      ... I would step over him and just walk away." I would just step right over him and be like, "I'm out of here, man. I'm not, I'm not doing this." [laughs]

    29. CW

      Trainspotting's an odd, but I, I-

    30. MM

      It's very weird

  3. 10:48 – 15:00

    The Vicious Farts That Wake Up Your Partner

    1. MM

      have to get that

    2. CW

      ... that'd be sick. And then you could make a compilation of all of your favorite farts.

    3. MM

      Ooh. What, what, what would you make? [laughs] Nah, the nighttime ones would be awesome. [laughs]

    4. CW

      [laughs] Yeah, you're like, you know what, you know what missing your own fart while you're asleep is like? It's like being a child that passes out whilst watching Big Boy. You're like, "I missed it."

    5. MM

      True.

    6. CW

      "This was the entire reason for me eating those beans at night."

    7. MM

      Yeah, all to waste.

    8. CW

      "And I didn't, I wasn't even there for it."

    9. MM

      [laughs]

    10. CW

      Like, my-

    11. MM

      I've-

    12. CW

      ... my mum got to see it or whatever.

    13. MM

      True. [laughs]

    14. CW

      Like, you know, like the wife got to see it. She was a part of it.

    15. MM

      Have you, have you ever woken a woman out of sleep because you farted in bed? Yeah.

    16. CW

      Yeah.

    17. MM

      It's not-

    18. CW

      Yeah, yeah

    19. MM

      ... it's not a good feeling.

    20. CW

      There's a level of-

    21. MM

      I've done it. [laughs] I've done it.

    22. CW

      There is a level of, like, shame and pride.

    23. MM

      Yeah.

    24. CW

      It's equal parts shame and pride.

    25. MM

      Well, it's so funny. But you also, you're like, "Yeah, that's a horrible way to wake up."

    26. CW

      You have to apologize.

    27. MM

      [laughs]

    28. CW

      "I'm so sorry."

    29. MM

      Yeah, I've done it.

    30. CW

      "I'm so sorry."

  4. 15:00 – 21:07

    Can You Get More American Than Bull Riding?

    1. CW

      And, um, not a massive amount of racial diversity-

    2. MM

      Mm. Mm

    3. CW

      ... in the audience.

    4. MM

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      Uh, and then Nelly played.

    6. MM

      Yeah.

    7. CW

      So he kind of offset it toward the end. Uh, but yeah, PBR was crazy. That was like, that was a very interesting experience.

    8. MM

      Yeah. Yeah, that, uh, I, I only ever watched it on TV, but bull riding, I like bull riding compared to bullfighting.

    9. CW

      Bullfighting seems like one of the meanest. It's so mean.

    10. MM

      Yeah.

    11. CW

      Why-

    12. MM

      I just learned they pre-stab them. The bulls are pre-stabbed before they even, you fight the bull.

    13. CW

      Like that scene in Gladiator-

    14. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    15. CW

      ... where he's like shivving before he goes out.

    16. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    17. CW

      That's all of the bulls.

    18. MM

      It's exactly like, they just poke 'em up a couple times. They're, "All right, get out there."

    19. CW

      So they're weaker.

    20. MM

      Yeah.

    21. CW

      I found out that the reason that the capes, what's that called? The fuck-

    22. MM

      Oh, I don't know

    23. CW

      ... the red rag to a bull thing.

    24. MM

      Yeah. The cape.

    25. CW

      The reason that it's red isn't because bulls see red and get angry. It's to hide the blood as the bulls run past.

    26. MM

      Oh.

    27. CW

      Because otherwise if you had a white sheet or something-

    28. MM

      It would look horrible

    29. CW

      ... yeah, it would just be like marked with loads of bull blood.

    30. MM

      Oh. Yeah, that's, I didn't even know that.

  5. 21:07 – 29:05

    Is Line Dancing the Next Big Cult?

    1. MM

      be like, "Come out here and dance with me, young lady." And she'd be like, "God, your ass is flatter than cardboard," and just smack, like it, it was insane. She was just grabbing and smacking ladies' asses and just g- I mean, you know, uh, any kind of racial thing, she would throw that in there too just to, like, flavor it up.

    2. CW

      Dude, dude, there is like-

    3. MM

      She was, I c- I was sitting there like, "Bro, this is insane." And she, and everyone's like, "Ah, this is cute, I guess." [laughs]

    4. CW

      I've been transported back to the 1950s. There's a level of bigotry that you just, like, when people get beyond a certain age, they just get a pass for it all.

    5. MM

      Yeah, you have to let this lady cook. It was really good.

    6. CW

      [laughs]

    7. MM

      'Cause it was a, it was a lot of, it was a, a good amount of, like, Asian tourists came, and she was having a field day with them.

    8. CW

      [laughs]

    9. MM

      It was, it was wild. "There's nothing there for me to grab. You have no ass on you. Look, where are you from? Vietnam? Get out of the way." And I was like, "God." [laughs]

    10. CW

      She thinks, she thinks the war's still going.

    11. MM

      [laughs] Yeah. But it was, it was-

    12. CW

      Are they not our enemy?

    13. MM

      It was fun. It was fun to see. It also was nice. It brings everyone down. It's like, yeah, let her, let her do her thing. Brings everyone down to, like, a, you know, common ground.

    14. CW

      That's what being British is like, actually.

    15. MM

      Yeah?

    16. CW

      It's that, that level of, like, insulting of everyone.

    17. MM

      Yeah.

    18. CW

      Were you any good? Is it hard? I've never-

    19. MM

      Two-step?

    20. CW

      I've not tried to do it.

    21. MM

      No, I wasn't very w- uh, I was all right. It's n- it's pretty easy, honestly.

    22. CW

      Right.

    23. MM

      But it's all about, you have to kinda, like... Well, it's, like, easy to do, but once you have, like, 30 people on the dance floor, everyone, you don't know which way anyone's going, so it's, it's a... And then there's people who are, like, actually really, really good at it, and you're like-

    24. CW

      I'm in the way now.

    25. MM

      The what?

    26. CW

      You're, you're in the way.

    27. MM

      Yeah, you're just in their way. They're, like, whipping people around and throwing 'em, and it, it a- it's also very important that you have to lead your partner, and it's like I'm horrible-

    28. CW

      As the man

    29. MM

      ... horrible at dancing. So I'm kinda, like, trying to, I'm stepping on her feet the whole time, and I'm like, "Actually, I'm in charge. Be quiet. Don't move."

    30. CW

      [laughs]

  6. 29:05 – 32:15

    Is This the Biggest NFL Scam?

    1. MM

      was his-

    2. CW

      It was a dude-

    3. MM

      Yeah, it was a-

    4. CW

      ... that said this?

    5. MM

      Oh, yeah. It w-

    6. CW

      Oh, so he was trying to diddle men and women.

    7. MM

      Yeah. D-

    8. CW

      Especially, especially women.

    9. MM

      Yeah. Yeah, I think he was really going for the wom- women's money. But yeah, there was a guy influencer I know who was, like, a health guy, and he got, like, they tried to go for him.

    10. CW

      Yeah. So he was-

    11. MM

      He went for 200,000. He's like, "Give me 200K, and I'll, like, promote your, you know, electrolytes or whatever."

    12. CW

      I think he didn't have that many followers on... It wasn't a huge... So yeah, for the people that don't know, this guy pretended to be a 49ers player.

    13. MM

      Yeah. Yeah.

    14. CW

      And he was filming-

    15. MM

      Starting wide receiver.

    16. CW

      Oh, here we go. Uh, 35-year-old DeJon Love, who federal authorities say faked an entire NFL career as a 49ers wide receiver to scam others, has been arrested and charged with defrauding over 26 women out of w- more than $1.3 million. Love allegedly met women through dating apps, convinced many they were in a legitimate ro- romantic relationships with him, and portrayed himself as either a wealthy NFL player or a successful real estate investor. Uh, fake 49ers, fake Instagram themed presence, fake banks and investment. I think he had, like, uh, an 18-year-old that he would put on, um, FaceTime and was like, "Oh, this is my investment advisor," and it's just, like, one of his friends-

    17. MM

      Really?

    18. CW

      ... who was 18 years old. And, uh, yeah, he, one, one woman lost around 87,000 and helped him get a McLaren. To qualify for the McLaren, he made her a fake pay stub saying she earned about 50K a month. Another woman gave him s- seven grand for an apartment he never got for her. Another gave him around 30 grand for a Mercedes. After a while, you just think, like, the, these people kind of deserve it.

    19. MM

      Yeah.

    20. CW

      Like, come on.

    21. MM

      The, the, well, the romance scams are really, really messed up. Also, working, him working out on the beach is hilarious. Just a football helmet on the beach is like, that's one that I'd even catch. Like, hold on a second. I never... You don't see-

    22. CW

      Hey, uh [laughs]

    23. MM

      [laughs]

    24. CW

      I remember Tom Brady-

    25. MM

      Yeah

    26. CW

      ... in swim shorts? Legit helmet.

    27. MM

      Yeah, [chuckles] it's like a regular football pad. [laughs]

    28. CW

      It's a memor- it's a, it's a memorabilia helmet-

    29. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    30. CW

      ... presumably.

  7. 32:15 – 41:00

    How Lindsay Clancy Divided America

    1. CW

      at the moment.

    2. MM

      What?

    3. CW

      Or is she on bail? Would she be on bail? I think she'll be on bail.

    4. MM

      What?

    5. CW

      Well, is she, has she... Can you work out if she's got bail or not? But mistrial, so they've gotta do, they've gotta run it back.

    6. MM

      Do it again.

    7. CW

      They've got, this whole thing has got to happen again. At least again, or maybe go up to some-

    8. MM

      Yeah

    9. CW

      ... bigger court or whatever.

    10. MM

      Well, dude, it's... I, so I was actually reading about this, uh, last night, and I didn't realize, first of all, it happened like three years ago, three or four years ago. The husband's already mar- he's remarried.

    11. CW

      But the weird thing is it's been, three years is quite a long time.

    12. MM

      Yeah.

    13. CW

      It's not a long time to get over something traumatic, but for everyone that... I didn't, I'd never heard Lindsay Clancy's name until three weeks ago.

    14. MM

      Yeah.

    15. CW

      And for him, this is n- part of... Like, think about where you were three years ago, three and a half years ago. You're like, "Yeah, that was quite a long time ago."

    16. MM

      It was a while, but it's like... Yeah, but I think, I think he's just, like... I could be wrong. I think he just, like, works in an office.

    17. CW

      Normal dude.

    18. MM

      Sounds like an office job. Yeah, just has, like, an office job. That would be, that'd be insane.

    19. CW

      I had a psychiatrist, uh, earlier on this week, and he worked in the ward where she was discharged from. He, like, knows the doctors-

    20. MM

      Whoa

    21. CW

      ... that prescribed her all of the medications, the people that looked after her care, everything. And there's a little bit, I think especially a lot of guys sort of defaulted to, "She killed her kids," like, eh.

    22. MM

      Yeah.

    23. CW

      Uh, and then there was a little bit of me as he was expl- it was an hour of him just explaining the deep neuroscience of what happened with the pharmacology and, and, and, um, what happens with the psychosis and how all-encompassing and, and, uh, like, totally compelling it is, and basically your agency is taken away from you. They use the example of talking of, like, farting and shitting. You use the example of, you know, when you go to the bathroom and you take a dump and you're like, "One, huh, one wipe wasn't enough. Like, I need to go again." And you don't even think about it, you just do it.

    24. MM

      Mm.

    25. CW

      He said, "Oh, that's kind of what psychosis is like. You don't even think about it. You kind of just get compelled." So he's... An hour of him explaining it to me, and as he was doing it, there was a little bit of me that was thinking [sighs] , "This is... I thought I had my position."

    26. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    27. CW

      "And now you have decided to, like, just pull the pin on this grenade, and now I h- now I'm all conflicted again. And now I'm in, I'm, now I'm with everyone else who's like, 'I don't know what the... I d- how do we deal with this as a society?'" It's kind of crazy.

    28. MM

      Well, here's the thing to me. It's, it's like, yeah, it is, it sucks. It's like the whole situation sucks. The poor... I, like, really felt bad for the dad. I was reading about him last night. I'm like, "Damn, this guy's just actually just started his life over." I'm like, "That sounds sad." And then you have the lady who it's like, yeah, she, you know, strangled her children to death and, you know, maybe she was in psychosis. It, it, the thing too is, like, if she had been a meth addict and got high on meth and then killed her kids, everyone would be like, yeah, throw the book at her.

    29. CW

      Mm. Mm.

    30. MM

      Since I guess she's trying to get, you know, help or whatever, it's slightly different. My, my only problem is when, like... 'Cause you get, you have people now who, even, like, neuroscience types who are like, "Free will's an illusion. We don't have free will. It's just all-"

  8. 41:00 – 46:13

    Why Support After Birth is So Important

    1. MM

      a relatively pretty new thing of, like, just have a kid and just sit in a fucking house for a year by yourself. As a lady, I, I think especially it's, like, really fucked up.

    2. CW

      I asked, uh, literally an expert who wrote a book called Dad Brain. So there's mom brain, which you lose about 3% of your gray matter. It's like executive function, you forget where the keys are. But what is interesting is you actually become better at knowing about stuff to do with the kid. You're just really bad at knowing about some-

    3. MM

      Mm-hmm

    4. CW

      ... other stuff, you know, managing your calendar or doing finances or whatever. And dads have kind of the same sort of a thing. I was talking to her, and, uh, she thinks the same thing. She thinks that it's almost exclusively mediated by, is there support? Do you feel like you're well-contained and held by the local community? There used to be this time, Louise Perry taught me about this, there was this time called laying-in. You ever heard of this?

    5. MM

      Mm-mm.

    6. CW

      So laying-in was a month-long period in the m- Middle Ages where a woman that had just given birth, all that she did was lie in the living room or whatever, and everybody had to s- s- do stuff for her.

    7. MM

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      Like, be nice to her. Like, bring her food, uh, help her go to the bathroom, help her get washed. Like, "What do you want? Do you need a shoulder rub?" Like, "We'll look after the baby."

    9. MM

      Mm.

    10. CW

      Like, it's just everybody was as... a kind of probably a infuriating amount of attention.

    11. MM

      Yeah.

    12. CW

      Like, actually if you were a bit of an introvert, you're like, "Okay, this has been nice, but I would like you to leave." And, um-

    13. MM

      Yeah

    14. CW

      ... they j- that was it. And now you think no mandatory maternity leave and people are back in the fucking solo cubicle office within, like... You still haven't even physically recovered.

    15. MM

      Oh, yeah.

    16. CW

      Haven't re- haven't physically recovered.

    17. MM

      And, and now you're at work going, like, I make, you know... I have to make more than basically, um, daycare, basically. If I don't make as much as daycare, then I'm at home. If I do-

    18. CW

      Yeah, you're running on a treadmill. It's you versus daycare, and if you don't run fast enough, you, like-

    19. MM

      Yeah

    20. CW

      ... get kicked off the back of it.

    21. MM

      It's... Dude, it's, yeah, it's brutal. And especially when you have a kid, that first, like, two weeks or so, everyone's like, "Hey," everyone's stopping by, and then it's just like, that's over. And it's just you, and you're like, you know, if you're, you're sitting there, you're nursing it all the time. That's, like, constantly releasing hormones when they're feeding from you, that you don't produce enough milk. Produce... It's, it's kind of a nightmare, dude. It, it really is, uh, should be revisited as to, like- How people go about doing that kind of stuff, 'cause it's, it's not, it's not good at all. I think we got the 90-day maternity leave from, uh... There was just, like, a therapist back, I think it was an English guy, who was just like, Winnicott. He was just like, "Yo, you gotta give these, you gotta give these people, like, at least a couple months."

    22. CW

      Something.

    23. MM

      Yeah, he, he determined, he was like, 90 days is the bare minimum you have to give them.

    24. CW

      UK is nine months mandatory.

    25. MM

      Is it really?

    26. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    27. MM

      Yeah, I don't think we do that here. I think we got, like-

    28. CW

      I think people can get-

    29. MM

      ... churn and burn. Yeah.

    30. CW

      Yeah, you gotta get, gotta get you back into the meat grinder, dude.

  9. 46:13 – 56:48

    Why Having Kids Makes Getting Hit in the Nuts Worth It

    1. MM

      self in your brain that you're always thinking about this person. You're still thinking about yourself, and then, like, it's, it's very weird how that works-

    2. CW

      Mm-hmm

    3. MM

      ... 'cause it is, 'cause you notice, like, you know, you're like, "All right, it's time. I'm gonna do this," and you're like, you have to do something with your kid, and you're like, "All right, I'll get to that later." Then you start being like, "I'll never get to that other th-" Like, it's, it's just not happening.

    4. CW

      [laughs]

    5. MM

      Like, I'm never gonna do it, and you kinda go through this weird kind of like, uh, inner transformation-

    6. CW

      Mm-hmm

    7. MM

      ... over time where you're, like, just letting certain things die off, and you... But it's, it's nice 'cause, you know, you feel good to, like-

    8. CW

      But cl- like, no one really enjoys an insane level of selfishness. I think too much attention on yourself. I ca- I saw this tweet the other week that said something like, um, "You're not autistic. You're just spending too much time in the house on your own, and it's making you weird."

    9. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    10. CW

      And-

    11. MM

      [laughs] I also don't think you're, you should, like, I don't think your brain's designed to think about yourself for more-

    12. CW

      Bingo

    13. MM

      ... than, like, 30-something years.

    14. CW

      Bingo.

    15. MM

      'Cause I had a kid when I was, like, in my 30s, and I remember being like, I've played all the hits of, like, why don't I do this? I'm gonna do this, and I'm like, I remember thinking, like, this is getting kinda fucking old. I'm, like, circling all these tracks. Then you have a kid, and you're like, "All right, thank God. I can just think about you now."

    16. CW

      Yeah. Jimmy Carr talks about saying it's, um, uh, having a child is, um, uh, it's a surgical procedure where your own heart now lives outside of your own body.

    17. MM

      Yeah.

    18. CW

      Like, you're just, okay, now this is the thing that's the most important. But yeah, I mean, I, I definitely believe a lot of the malaise in, like, business pursuits and, and, like, weird habits and, and, like, obsessions that guys have are just surrogate families they haven't got around to yet. You think so much of this would be fixed if you just had a-

    19. MM

      Yeah

    20. CW

      ... had a baby that you were looking after because it would clean out all the barnacles off the bottom of the ship, or maybe it would just completely torpedo your life 'cause you can't afford it. I don't know.

    21. MM

      That too. But, but also it i- there is something where it's like, um, like I've tried a lot of stuff. If I already had kids, I'd be like, "All right, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that," and da, da. And you do things, and you're like, "Yeah, I guess it's kinda cool." When you have a kid, it's like it, like, clicks in a very obvious set groove in your brain where you're like, "Yes, this makes sense why I'm doing this now." 'Cause I would do things, and I'm like, "Why, why am I even doing this?" And you're just like, "Okay, this all makes sense."

    22. CW

      I have a purpose.

    23. MM

      Yeah, it's like a, it's like a baked in kind of purpose. It's just, and it's funny too 'cause, like, when you examine it from, like, you know, like, advantages and all this stuff, it's, like, just more so disadvantages. Like, I get hit in the nuts constantly. I get woken up early.

    24. CW

      Why?

    25. MM

      Dude, kids just hit you in the nuts, right?

    26. CW

      On purpose?

    27. MM

      As soon as... Well, they're like, they're ha- they'll, like, go to, like, hit you.

    28. CW

      Oh, they're nut heighted.

    29. MM

      They're just nut height.

    30. CW

      Yeah.

  10. 56:48 – 1:10:30

    Are We All Natural Pessimists?

    1. CW

      31st, 1852. Woke up at 6:00 o'clock, woke everyone up. I did not get up and slept until 9:00.

    2. MM

      [laughs] That's it? That's his whole diary.

    3. CW

      January 25th, 1851. I've fallen in love or imagine that I have. Went to a party and lost my head. Bought a horse, which I don't need at all. The guy sounds fucking awesome. [laughs]

    4. MM

      Yeah, he does, man. He- Tolstoy was another one of those Russian guys, right? The Russian writers are unbelievable.

    5. CW

      Built different.

    6. MM

      Yeah. Com- like 100%, dude.

    7. CW

      They'd be living in the insane asylum.

    8. MM

      Yeah.

    9. CW

      They would love that.

    10. MM

      They're wild dudes. I'm, I'm reading a Dostoevsky book right now, or however you say his name, and it's... Dude, those guys are... That time, I don't know when Tolstoy was alive, but that like 1890s Russia time period, it's, it's... I was... It's insane. 'Cause like, you know, obviously there's no cell phones or whatever, but like, you're just in a town full of people and like they would obviously have their beefs and quarrels and stuff, but like you couldn't, like, you know, you can text someone now like, "Hey, what do you wanna do?" And if they don't get back to you, you're like, "Well, I don't think they wanna hang out." You'd have to go to someone's house and they'd be like, "Go away." And you'd be like, "What the fuck's your problem?" He'd be like, "I don't like you." And you'd be like, "Okay, fuck."

    11. CW

      Do you think this is unique to Russia?

    12. MM

      Well, it's just that time period.

    13. CW

      In general.

    14. MM

      But it was just like, you know, they're, just the way they talk to each other is so fu- I think in general probably the whole area's like that.

    15. CW

      The way that, the way that beef unfolded before cell phone-

    16. MM

      Yeah

    17. CW

      ... before being able to make phone calls is, well, everything's face to face.

    18. MM

      And it was also that like old time kind of like vocal register where they'd be like, "Your of- your presence offends me. Get out."

    19. CW

      [laughs]

    20. MM

      'Cause you would do, dude, it's like they do it in the book where like you gotta find matches. So if you don't know where your matches are, they were like your cell phone. 'Cause like if you were, if it, if it, if it was nighttime, you had to light matches, light a candle. People would just come into your house and be like, "Hey, what's up? Hey, I need... My wife's giving birth. I need..." Or, "I need a..." So you're just sleeping-

    21. CW

      People just-

    22. MM

      ... and you'd be like, "Who's there?" And you'd be like, "Oh, it's me." He'd be like, "Get out. I don't like you." And he's like, "Hey, I need to talk to you now."

    23. CW

      [laughs]

    24. MM

      And you'd be like, "Be gone, fool." And you're like, "Where are my matches?" And you'd be f- fumbling around in the dark, and you light a match, and be like, "Oh, fuck. It's some other guy." Dude, dude, [laughs] it was like-

    25. CW

      [laughs]

    26. MM

      ... it just fucking, it was crazy to think about. They'd be like, "Well, very well. I shan't come back, and I, I'll, I'll leave you here, you wretched beast." And you'd be like, "You're a fool." And it's just like, all right, then you just go to bed and you're like, "Fuck that guy."

    27. CW

      The idea that your entire, [laughs] your, your entire existence is reliant on whether or not you can find your matches, and you've got-

    28. MM

      Yeah

    29. CW

      ... you've got beefs that play out in fr- I, I mean... [laughs]

    30. MM

      Fucked. It's crazy.

  11. 1:10:30 – 1:19:04

    Was Matt a Bad Drug Dealer?

    1. MM

      it and I was like, holy fuck, man. [chuckles] That was crazy.

    2. CW

      Came really close.

    3. MM

      Yeah. So you think about it and you're like, holy shit. Like, that would've not have been that crazy. Like I had-

    4. CW

      Was that debts and stuff like that?

    5. MM

      Mm-mm. Robbery. They were robbing me. I wasn't, I was not a robber. I was the robbee, so I would get robbed. I would get robbed constantly, and I would just be like, "Whatever. Fuck it."

    6. CW

      Sounds like the wo- you sound like the worst drug dealer ever.

    7. MM

      Well, here's the thing. I would... Well, hold on. I was-

    8. CW

      [laughs]

    9. MM

      It was these other guys that were the worst drug dealers. I was doing my job. I was on time. I was punctual. I was quality control, very quality control forward. I, you know, I, I was, I was never trying to rip people off. But for me, I was always... For me, money was always to buy kind of freedom. So I never, I didn't care about, like, nice stuff. I never, like, wasted. I would just save all my money and be like, "Yes, I don't have to work for, like, six months. This is awesome." Then I would get robbed and I would just be like, "All right, I'll make it again. Come on, guys. Let's go." But, like, you just, you think about it and it's like, for me, it's like, yeah, it's cool, you know, the blah, blah, blah, to get out of it and, like, risk-taking. I think that's all good stuff.

    10. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    11. MM

      But then it's like, dude, I could have just, like, chilled out something internally too. Like, I didn't have to go that crazy.

    12. CW

      Mm. Mm-hmm.

    13. MM

      You know, I could've, I could've slowly but surely figured things out and blah, blah, blah, and it's like... Yeah, I'm just... It's, it is a relief. You're like, never have to worry about that. Like, cop- I've got pulled over by cops recently and just kinda like, "Hey, what's up, guys?" Before I would've been like, "My life's over. I'm dead. This is terrible. I'm going to jail for it." Now I'm just kinda like, "What's up, guys?"

    14. CW

      Hello.

    15. MM

      How you doing, brother?

    16. CW

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

    17. MM

      It's, it's, it's so nice.

    18. CW

      You sound like a very stand-up drug dealer.

    19. MM

      I was.

    20. CW

      You're like, "Oh, he's a nice, he's a nice-"

    21. MM

      Dude, I got that. It was the one compliment I always get. They're like, "Dude, you're, you're actually on time. You're this, you're that." I was very good. I didn't, I never ripped people off or anything like that.

    22. CW

      Isn't it a shame that there aren't Trustpilot reviews for drug dealers? Wouldn't that be good?

    23. MM

      Yeah. [chuckles]

    24. CW

      You'd have had, you'd have had a great rating.

    25. MM

      Well, I think that's like the dark web now. So I think you kind of... If you're like, a lot of them just operate on the dark web.

    26. CW

      Mm.

    27. MM

      And it's like you can just forego all of the drama and crazy stuff.

    28. CW

      In other news, if you're trying to go from Joey Chestnut to Joey Swoll, the RP Strength app is the best place to start. I've been in the gym for 20 years, and it wasn't until the past few years that I had the best training sessions of my life, and RP was a massive part of that. Actual scientists built this thing around one obsession: to beat up their high school bullies and provide the most science-backed, effective path to maximizing muscle gain. It tells you your exercises, how many sets, reps, and weights that you need to do, everything. So all that you have to do is show up and lift. If the RP app could wipe your ass for you, it probably would, and it adjusts automatically every week based on how you're actually progressing. For me, following a proper evidence-based plan has made a massive difference, and if you're serious about training, it'll do the same for you too. Right now, you can get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy app by going to the link in the description below or heading to rpstrength.com/modernwisdom and using the code MODERNWISDOM at checkout. That's rpstrength.com/modernwisdom and MODERNWISDOM at checkout But the thing is, if you're a drug dealer, a supplier I guess-

    29. MM

      Mm-hmm

    30. CW

      ... on the dark web, the game is completely different 'cause it's not about who you know.

  12. 1:19:04 – 1:25:47

    Are Life’s Cliches Actually Right?

    1. CW

      Like-

    2. MM

      Yeah. No, it's-

    3. CW

      I just... But it's really, like, oh, it's the same, it's the same as it was before.

    4. MM

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      That's, there it is.

    6. MM

      It's... Dude, it's, uh... Yeah, that's... When I travel for stand-up, I'll, like, my hotel rooms, it's the same. I walk into that silence, and I'm like, "Ah." It's just kind of... People are like, "That must be great, right?" I'm like, "No, I don't. I really, I really dislike it," but... But yeah, that was kind of, like, my My whole, my, I guess the thing that I've, like, learned, like, horribly in the wrong, like, the hard way is that, like, if at my early 20s... 'Cause the problem was is, like, you, at least I think, in school it's geared towards, like, achieve for yourself and yourself alone, get into the best school, make the best, make the most money. But then you're, like, set on this track that you're like... Like, I remember being, like, in college being like, "I don't really care about that. But I also wanna do well and I wanna have a nice life." And it was like, had this big conflict where it was like if I were to talk to, like, a, a 20-year-old now, I'd be like, "Find something you like to do that maybe benefits other people, and that will actually give you enough meaning to, like, endure the horrible time-

    7. CW

      Mm

    8. MM

      ... in your early career where you're eating shit and everyone, you know, it sucks." 'Cause I tried to, like, lightning jump ahead of that, and it just was, like, a fucking disaster for, like, [chuckles] 15 y- it was a one disaster after another just to get out of, like, b- I was such a pussy about having a job and being like, "I deserve more than this." And it's like, I, I could, almost died because of it.

    9. CW

      Deserve to have a gun pointed at you.

    10. MM

      Yeah, I almost literally died because I, I could've just, like, found something I was interested in-

    11. CW

      Because I couldn't drink coffee and sit in a cubicle.

    12. MM

      [laughs] Yeah, I know. I know. Dude, I for real, I, like, see office guys hanging out at, like, lunchtime, like 10 people at lunch, and it would get to the point where I would be, like, envious of them. I'm like, "Dude, that actually looks nice."

    13. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    14. MM

      "It looks nice. You're there with your friends."

    15. CW

      Have a great time. Yeah.

    16. MM

      Everyone's kinda chilling.

    17. CW

      Don't need to take your work home with you.

    18. MM

      No.

    19. CW

      You're not worried about someone breaking your door down.

    20. MM

      Mm-mm.

    21. CW

      Your housemate doesn't hate you.

    22. MM

      Yeah. You're just, you're ju- it's so, it's like... And I remember, like, almost craving boredom at a point where I was like, "I wish I fucking was bored. That'd be awesome."

    23. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    24. MM

      Not have to worry about, like, 90 million different things and, you know, it's like-

    25. CW

      People really sort of shit talk university, going to college or whatever, and then they do the same thing about having a 9:00 to 5:00. And it's cool to b- being able to do your own thing or build your thing or work on someone's thing that's smaller and you've got more ownership over. All that shit's great, but it's not, it's not necessarily better and that I don't have to take my work home with me. I get my weekends off when I want. I don't have to worry about, like, making pay for the people that work for me and a- like, all of that shit. A lot of people think, "Oh, working for myself means that I get to choose when I work." But what it results in is you just working all the time.

    26. MM

      Yeah.

    27. CW

      And you go, "I..." Do you want that? Is that kind of what your dream is? And you're right as well to say that, um, you're going to have to endure a bunch of... Like, you're gonna have to eat some shit.

    28. MM

      Yeah.

    29. CW

      It's like what flavor shit can you eat?

    30. MM

      Yeah.

  13. 1:25:47 – 1:34:02

    Ending Up in the Same Spot Isn’t the Same As Having Never Left

    1. CW

      uh, like flippant and dismissive of any stuff-

    2. MM

      Mm

    3. CW

      ... even if it was probably useful. Like, no, it's, like, stupid 'cause I, I've learned it from a lecturer who has never run a business, right?

    4. MM

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      Which is the interesting thing about typical business courses. Everyone goes to think, "I'm gonna learn how to run a business," being taught by people who don't run businesses, which is-

    6. MM

      Dude, the business theory guys. Uh, I went to school for business as well, and I was kinda like, "So you're a doctor in business?" [laughs] Like-

    7. CW

      Why are you not in business?

    8. MM

      [laughs]

    9. CW

      Should you not be... Like, that would be like finding out that you're learning from a doctor that... or, or a surgeon or something. And you're like-

    10. MM

      Or like a research doc- yeah, it's like getting surgery by a research doctor. You're kinda like, "All right, dude."

    11. CW

      Yeah, this, like, you know, this doesn't make sense.

    12. MM

      Yeah, those guys. That, that was a f- so yeah, that's... Sorry. That made me laugh 'cause I had a similar experience being like, "What the fuck? What are you-"

    13. CW

      Why are you here?

    14. MM

      Yeah.

    15. CW

      Uh, but anyway, so like I, I go through university, and I'm like, "Oh, this fucking doesn't really... I, I don't really understand w- what it is that I'm learning." And then I get out on the other side, and I haven't read a book in, in for... Like, Harry Potter was, like, the last book-

    16. MM

      Mm

    17. CW

      ... I read when I was 14 or something.

    18. MM

      Yeah.

    19. CW

      And then, um, I go to do Love Island, that reality TV thing, and you have a week of media lockdown where they need to release to the press who's going on the show. But they don't want any of the people that are going on the show to know the u- other people that are going on the show. So they basically have a guy that supervises you and lives with you for a week, and you go and do all of your interviews with the TV and the radio and the press people, and then he watches you at all times. And you're living in, it was Palma, Mallorca, so the south coast of Mallorca.

    20. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    21. CW

      And you have a little geographic area that you're allowed to move in with your chaperone, and he follows you 24 hours a day. And then all of the other people that are on the show have got different territories, and they go to different gyms at different times to make sure that there's no chance that you would-

    22. MM

      Whoa

    23. CW

      ... overlap each other. It's really crazy. It's fucking wild.

    24. MM

      Yeah.

    25. CW

      It's like a military operation. And, um, while I was there, they're taking your phone off you, and you're not allowed to access the Inter- you can't even go to news agents. You're not allowed to go into a news agents on your own in case, you know, there's an-

    26. MM

      Mm-hmm

    27. CW

      ... English newspaper that's about to say, "The new series of this thing," and-

    28. MM

      Yeah

    29. CW

      ... "Here's the people that are there," or whatever. And, um, so I, I was like, "I've got nothing to do." And all I've done is message people on WhatsApp like, "Hey mate, are you coming out tonight?" for a decade.

    30. MM

      Mm-hmm.

  14. 1:34:02 – 1:37:08

    Was Matt a Private Investigator?

    1. MM

      kinda just, like, let me do it, and they kinda give you a little thing. Like, you know, if cops come up and bother you, just show them this thing.

    2. CW

      So nothing, you're telling me, basically.

    3. MM

      Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you could get your real thing, but I didn't have, like, a real license. I was just doing kinda, like, PI grunt work. So they give you, like, a little fake, you know, uh, uh, "Here, here, do this." And, like, show... If someone comes up to bother you, be like, "Hey, I'm working with these guys." So you have, like, something to flash the cops.

    4. CW

      Okay.

    5. MM

      'Cause they'll call the cops on you. They'll be like, "Why? Who's this person been sitting in my driveway?"

    6. CW

      Follow me.

    7. MM

      Um, I thought it'd be a lot more exciting than it was. It was very boring. I did it for two days, and I stopped.

    8. CW

      [laughs]

    9. MM

      I, I had to, I had to sit outside, like, a fucking, like, warehouse. And, like, they're like, "Here's a grainy photo of a guy." I had to just sit there, and I, like, you know, I, um, I had to, like, wait for the shift to see if it was, like, the guy came out. But it was like, I, I... It was just hard to even distinguish. I had, like, the grainy photo of a Black guy, and then, like, 12 Black guys came out of the building, and I was just like, "Fuck. [laughs] Fuck." And it was wintertime. Everyone's wearing hats and scarves and shit. I was like, "Bro, I can't. I gotta get, like... I need to get, like, up to face to face to even have a shot." So I just sat there and read books for, like, two days and, like, told my buddy, I was like, "Bro, I can't. I'm not-"

    10. CW

      This isn't for me.

    11. MM

      "This isn't for me."

    12. CW

      Take your badge back.

    13. MM

      Dude, he was showing me, like, fucking spy watches and shit when I went in there. I'm thinking I'm gonna be in a bar, like, recording conversations. I was in my car just for, like, 12 hours.

    14. CW

      Just reading, watching.

    15. MM

      Reading books. Then when I come up, I'm like, "Oh, shit, they did a shift change."

    16. CW

      [laughs]

    17. MM

      I was a, I was a terrible private eye. [laughs] It was one of my... Yeah, it was one of my many jobs. But that was, that was two days. And I, I would have jobs, too. During my whole career of, I would say, mainly selling weed, it was like I would have good time. I... Booms and busts within that. So then at the, during the bust, I had to go get a job. So I would kind of, like, constantly be doing, like, multiple things.

    18. CW

      Sell, sell drugs, make money, get robbed, take job.

    19. MM

      Yep. Save money, buy drugs if I can't get them front-

    20. CW

      [laughs]

    21. MM

      Or if I can't get them fronted, I'd have to save up money again and then, yeah, start over again. [laughs] And then I would get the job. When I knew I had enough money from weed, I would start trying to find weed customers at my job, and then I would quit the job.

    22. CW

      [laughs]

    23. MM

      [laughs] And then I would, then I would leave.

    24. CW

      The, the Princess Peach alien sounds like heaven compared with that.

    25. MM

      It's the best. Dude, it's, it's like, yes, it's the... That was the big thing. When I had kids, I re- 'cause I had such a, like, a weird anxiety and fixation over, like, what's my job? Da, da, da. And I, I... Once I had kids, I remember the guy came in to change, like... I was in, like, the hospital room, and, uh, the guy came in to change the paper towels out of the dispenser. And I was like, "Oh, dude, I could, I could do that for all I give a fuck. You know, I don't care."

    26. CW

      Mm.

    27. MM

      It's like if, it, it, like, it all made sense to me where I'm like, "Yeah, you just get a job, dude, to have, so you have money to do all this other important stuff-"

    28. CW

      Mm

    29. MM

      ... rather than being, like, blinded by, like, my job is my entire world.

    30. CW

      Yeah.

  15. 1:37:08 – 1:37:14

    Where to Find Matt

    1. CW

      episode without dying. Now, here's another one. Go on, watch it.

Episode duration: 1:37:14

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