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Raccoon Wars, Lindsay Clancy, NFL Scammers & Past Crimes - Matt McCusker

Matt McCusker is a comedian, writer, author and podcaster. Expect to learn what Chris’ raccoon wars are all about, Matt reacts to Tolstoy’s diary entries and the Lindsay Clancy trial, what Matt’s former life as an ethical drug dealer was like, the great joys of becoming a father, Matt’s thoughts on the fake 49ers football player, why Matt would make for a poor private investigator and much more… - Get a Free Sample Pack of LMNT’s most popular flavours with your first purchase at https://drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom Get 160+ lab tests for just $365 and save an extra $25 at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Sign up for a free trial from Shopify at https://shopify.com/modernwisdom Get up to $50 off the RP Hypertrophy App at https://rpstrength.com/modernwisdom - 0:00 Do Raccoons Love Urkel Cereal? 4:37 Bourgeois vs Bosh: Who is the Epitome of Britain? 10:48 The Vicious Farts That Wake Up Your Partner 15:00 Can You Get More American Than Bull Riding? 21:07 Is Line Dancing the Next Big Cult? 29:05 Is This the Biggest NFL Scam? 32:15 How Lindsay Clancy Divided America 41:00 Why Support After Birth is So Important 46:13 Why Having Kids Makes Getting Hit in the Nuts Worth It 56:48 Are We All Natural Pessimists? 01:10:30 Was Matt a Bad Drug Dealer? 01:19:04 Are Life’s Cliches Actually Right? 01:25:47 Ending Up in the Same Spot Isn’t the Same As Having Never Left 01:34:02 Was Matt a Private Investigator? 01:37:08 Where to Find Matt - Get access to every episode 10 hours before YouTube by subscribing for free on Spotify - https://spotify.modernwisdom.com or Apple Podcasts - https://apple.modernwisdom.com Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - https://chriswillx.com/books/ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic here - https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/

Chris WilliamsonhostMatt McCuskerguest
Sep 12, 20261h 37mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 4:37

    Do Raccoons Love Urkel Cereal?

    1. CW

      People of the UK and Ireland, if you've listened to Modern Wisdom for a while but haven't seen me live, it isn't just a podcast on stage where you can finally see my legs. It's a show that I've spent over a year building specifically for a live audience. There are stories I've never told before, ideas I've deliberately saved for the stage, audience confessions, and a Q&A where I try to solve your biggest problems. Dublin has already sold out, and all of the other cities aren't far behind. So if you want to see me live, head to chriswilliamson.live. That's chriswilliamson.live. I'm in a battle with raccoons at the moment.

    2. MM

      Where?

    3. CW

      At my backyard.

    4. MM

      Really?

    5. CW

      It's just me versus raccoons at the moment.

    6. MM

      Do they go on your roof?

    7. CW

      They... I've got this nice couch thing. Like, you sit on it, it's, like, comfy. You can lie in it. And they've just wrecked that. They... Every single night they come in and they wreck that. They decided they were gonna tear up one Croc. I had, like, two Crocs, like a pair of Crocs left outside. Which, I mean, they might have done me a, like, fashion fucking favor.

    8. MM

      I, I always feel bad. I, I almost... I, I, like, fought the urge to wear Crocs here today [laughs] .

    9. CW

      You're a Crocs guy?

    10. MM

      I love Crocs, yeah.

    11. CW

      Unreal. I'm g- But anyway, like, I'm a, I'm actually at war with these fucking raccoons. It feels very demoralizing, like, losing a war of wits with an animal that survives exclusively on garbage.

    12. MM

      Yeah.

    13. CW

      Like, oh, that, that's what's defeated me. But I haven't been able to get rid of them, so that's-

    14. MM

      Yeah, you gotta trap them

    15. CW

      ... You trap... But then what do you do? Get a professional?

    16. MM

      Get rid of them, yeah. Go send them somewhere.

    17. CW

      What does that mean? [laughs]

    18. MM

      Or have a, have a professional who can trap them. They'll just release them somewhere else.

    19. CW

      Right, but... Oh, okay. Well, they don't-

    20. MM

      You don't have to, like, drown them or anything. [laughs] You can.

    21. CW

      [laughs]

    22. MM

      I kinda love raccoons, but they've, they've... I was growing watermelon. Raccoons just destroyed my watermelons.

    23. CW

      When were you growing watermelon?

    24. MM

      This summer.

    25. CW

      You can-

    26. MM

      I had one. I had one big watermelon forming, and I came... I woke up one morning and the raccoon had just torn it to shreds. And I was like-

    27. CW

      That was like my Croc.

    28. MM

      Yeah.

    29. CW

      It was... Except I hadn't got to grow it, I guess.

    30. MM

      [laughs] I know.

  2. 4:37 – 10:48

    Bourgeois vs Bosh: Who is the Epitome of Britain?

    1. CW

      I, uh, I wanted... I, I do wanna teach you about some British stuff. Do you know who Francis Bourgeois is?

    2. MM

      Mm-mm.

    3. CW

      Okay, so I got to t- The, the Grand Tour, which is that thing Jeremy Clarkson did on Amazon, it was about cars and stuff. It was this big car show, and then they kinda moved and-

    4. MM

      Mm-hmm

    5. CW

      ... did this other thing on Amazon. He's the new guy that's taken that. But he's a train gu- He's a train spotting-

    6. MM

      Mm

    7. CW

      ... dude. And, um, I kinda... Oh, here we go. So what... Just watch this video.

    8. MM

      Yeah.

    9. SP

      I'm about to see the largest steam locomotive in the world. I've waited my whole life to see 4014 Big Boy in action, so today is a very important day. With crowds lining the tracks, an unexpected arrival before the main event. There's 2102.

    10. MM

      Oh, no.

    11. CW

      [laughs]

    12. MM

      What a brutal angle.

    13. CW

      He does it on every video.

    14. MM

      [laughs] Here it comes.

    15. CW

      Oh, no. [laughs] Oh, no.

    16. SP

      It's Big Boy. At such an important moment, my phone dies-

    17. MM

      Wow

    18. SP

      ... and I have to reach for Amy's phone, which is fortunately nearby.

    19. MM

      You have a camera on your fucking head.

    20. SP

      [laughs]

    21. MM

      Big Boy.

    22. SP

      A dream come true, but 2102-

    23. MM

      [laughs] Wait

    24. SP

      ... is about to blow me some-

    25. MM

      This was in Pennsylvania, wasn't it?

    26. CW

      I think so, yeah.

    27. MM

      Dude, so this was really hot that day, and a lot of those guys passed out

    28. CW

      That were working

    29. MM

      Bunch of fat-legged autistic guys who went down. [laughs] I'm telling, that day, I, my, my friends were telling me about this. They were, a bunch of people were standing in the field and they passed out while waiting for Big Boy to come.

    30. CW

      [laughs] Well, I mean, Francis-

  3. 10:48 – 15:00

    The Vicious Farts That Wake Up Your Partner

    1. CW

      machine, like, apps for sleep tracking that record when you make noises or move. I'd fucking love to hear what yours would be, because yours would be broken by either, like, snoring or rustling or something, or just straight ripping farts.

    2. MM

      Could be. Doubt it. That's pretty crazy. So they tr- they actually track the noises?

    3. CW

      Yeah, so there's... when it's silent or ambient noise or whatever, and then it just turns on the recorder when... It's to work out whether you're snoring-

    4. MM

      Snoring or not

    5. CW

      ... and stuff. Um, or talking in your sleep, so.

    6. MM

      I might have to get that.

    7. CW

      That'd be sick. And then you could make a compilation of all of your favorite farts.

    8. MM

      Ooh. What, what, what would you make? [laughs] Nah, the nighttime ones would be awesome. [laughs]

    9. CW

      [laughs] Yeah, you're like... You know what, you know what missing your own fart while you're asleep is like? It's like being a child that passes out whilst watching Big Boy. You're like, "I missed it."

    10. MM

      True.

    11. CW

      "This was the entire reason for me eating those beans at night."

    12. MM

      Yeah, all to waste.

    13. CW

      And I didn't, I wasn't even there for it.

    14. MM

      [laughs]

    15. CW

      Like, my-

    16. MM

      I've-

    17. CW

      ... my mom got to see it or whatever.

    18. MM

      True. [laughs]

    19. CW

      Like, you know, like the wife got to see it. She was a part of it.

    20. MM

      Have you, have you ever woken a woman out of sleep because you farted in bed? Yeah.

    21. CW

      Yeah.

    22. MM

      Yeah.

    23. CW

      It's not good. Yeah.

    24. MM

      It's not a good feeling.

    25. CW

      There's a level of-

    26. MM

      I've done it. [laughs] I've done it. [laughs]

    27. CW

      There is a level of, like, shame and pride.

    28. MM

      Yeah.

    29. CW

      It's equal parts shame and pride.

    30. MM

      Well, it's so funny. But you're also, you're like, "Yeah, that's a horrible way to wake up." [laughs]

  4. 15:00 – 21:07

    Can You Get More American Than Bull Riding?

    1. CW

      very true. I went to, um, I went to the PBR, I saw Shane at the-

    2. MM

      Mm. Mm. Mm

    3. CW

      ... at the, the bull riding thing.

    4. MM

      Yeah.

    5. CW

      Which is weird because again, talking about very British things and also very American things, it's like close to about as American as you can get.

    6. MM

      Yeah.

    7. CW

      But it is a arena of people hoping that somebody gets injured by an animal that weighs like-

    8. MM

      [laughs]

    9. CW

      ... a few thousand pounds.

    10. MM

      Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

    11. CW

      It's a very strange sport to watch. And, um, not a massive amount of racial diversity-

    12. MM

      Mm-mm

    13. CW

      ... in the audience.

    14. MM

      Yeah.

    15. CW

      Uh, and then Nelly played.

    16. MM

      Yeah.

    17. CW

      So he kind of offset it toward the end. Uh, but yeah, PBR was crazy. That was like, that was a very interesting experience.

    18. MM

      Yeah. Yeah, that, uh, I, I only ever watched it on TV, but bull riding, I like bull riding compared to bullfighting.

    19. CW

      Bullfighting seems like one of the meanest. It's so mean.

    20. MM

      Yeah.

    21. CW

      Why-

    22. MM

      I just learned they pre-stab them. The bulls are pre-stabbed before they even, you fight the bull.

    23. CW

      Like that scene in Gladiator-

    24. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    25. CW

      ... where he's like shiving before he goes out?

    26. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    27. CW

      That's all of the bulls?

    28. MM

      Exactly like, they just poke 'em up a couple times. They're, "All right, get out there."

    29. CW

      So they're weaker?

    30. MM

      Yeah.

  5. 21:07 – 29:05

    Is Line Dancing the Next Big Cult?

    1. MM

      Yeah, we, I did, I don't, I haven't done much super, like, um, Texas stuff. I did the two-step dance lessons. Do you, have you seen that before?

    2. CW

      I've seen it.

    3. MM

      The broken wheel.

    4. CW

      What's that?

    5. MM

      So you can do, you can go in there and take lessons for two-step, and it's this old lady runs it, and I, I honestly was like, it takes a lot to kind of astonish me when people are, like, doing certain things. Dude, she apparently can just grab ladies' asses and, like... So she was gi- [laughs] I shouldn't say this. But we were in there and she would, she'd be like, "Come out here and dance with me, young lady." And she'd be like, "God, your ass is flatter than cardboard," and just smack. Like, it, it was insane. She was just grabbing and smacking ladies' asses and just, I mean, you know, any kind of racial thing, she would throw that in there too just to, like, flavor it up.

    6. CW

      Dude, there is like-

    7. MM

      She was... I, I was sitting there like, "Bro, this is insane." And she, and everyone's like, "Yeah, this is cute, I guess." [laughs]

    8. CW

      Like, yeah, I've been transported back to the 1950s. There's a level of bigotry that you just, like, when people get beyond a certain age, they just get a pass for it all.

    9. MM

      Yeah, you have to let this lady cook. It was really good.

    10. CW

      [laughs]

    11. MM

      'Cause it was a l- it was a lot of, it was a, a good amount of, like, Asian tourists came, and she was having a field day with them.

    12. CW

      [laughs]

    13. MM

      It was, it was wild. "There's nothing there for me to grab. You have no ass on you. Look at you. Where are you from? Vietnam? Get out of the way." And I was like, "God."

    14. CW

      She thinks, she thinks the war's still going.

    15. MM

      [laughs] Yeah. But it was, it was-

    16. CW

      They're your enemy

    17. MM

      ... it was fun. It was fun to see. It also was nice. It brings everyone down. It's like, yeah, let her, let her do her thing. Brings everyone down to, like, a, you know, common ground.

    18. CW

      That's what being British is like, actually.

    19. MM

      Yeah?

    20. CW

      It's that, that level of, like, insulting of everyone.

    21. MM

      Yeah.

    22. CW

      Were you any good? Is it hard? I've never-

    23. MM

      Two-step?

    24. CW

      I've not tried to dance.

    25. MM

      No, I wasn't very w- uh, I was all right. It's, it's pretty easy, honestly.

    26. CW

      Right.

    27. MM

      But it's all about, you have to kinda, like... Well, it's, like, easy to do, but once you have, like, 30 people on the dance floor, everyone, you don't know which way anyone's going, so it's, it's a... And then there's people who are, like, actually really, really good at it, and you're like-

    28. CW

      I'm in the way now.

    29. MM

      The what?

    30. CW

      You're, you're in the way.

  6. 29:05 – 32:15

    Is This the Biggest NFL Scam?

    1. MM

      [laughs]

    2. CW

      Yeah. Have you seen this DeJon Love thing? This case that's everywhere.

    3. MM

      Who's... Was that the guy... Who was that?

    4. CW

      The fake football player from the 49ers.

    5. MM

      Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He's been going around saying... I, I caught that. I was like in, I was actually doing a podcast. I went to the bathroom, and I was, like, checking my phone. I saw someone I know was, like, one of the influencers I follow was just kinda like, "Oh man, I almost... Thank God I didn't pay this guy," and I s- didn't even know he wasn't a player. I'm like, damn, why was he asking a guy for 200,000 bucks? And then I came back and it was like, yeah, that was his-

    6. CW

      It was a dude-

    7. MM

      Yeah, it was a-

    8. CW

      ... that said this?

    9. MM

      Oh, yeah. It was-

    10. CW

      Oh, so he was trying to diddle men and women.

    11. MM

      Yeah. He-

    12. CW

      Especially, especially women.

    13. MM

      Yeah. Yeah, I think he was really going for the wo- women's money, but yeah, there was a guy influencer I know who's like a health guy, and he got, like, they tried to go for him.

    14. CW

      Yeah. So he was-

    15. MM

      He went for 200,000. He's like, "Give me 200K, and I'll, like, promote your, you know, electrolytes or whatever."

    16. CW

      I think he didn't have that many followers on... It wasn't a huge... So yeah, for the people that don't know, this guy pretended to be a 49ers player.

    17. MM

      Yeah, yeah.

    18. CW

      And he was selling him-

    19. MM

      49ers wide receiver.

    20. CW

      Oh, here we go. Uh, "35-year-old DeJon Love, who federal authorities say faked an entire NFL career as a 49ers wide receiver to scam others, has been arrested and charged with defrauding over 26 women out of w- more than $1.3 million. Love allegedly met women through dating apps, convinced many they were in a legitimate ro- romantic relationships with him, and portrayed himself as either a wealthy NFL player or a successful real estate investor." Uh, fake 49ers, fake Instagram themed presence, fake banks and investment. I think he had, like, uh, an 18-year-old that he would put on, um, FaceTime and was like, "Oh, this is my investment advisor," and it's just, like, one of his friends-

    21. MM

      Really?

    22. CW

      ... who was 18 years old. And, uh, yeah, he One, one woman lost around 87,000 and helped him get a McLaren. To qualify for the McLaren, he made her a fake pay stub saying she earned about 50K a month. Another woman gave him se- seven grand for an apartment he never got for her. Another gave him around 30 grand for a Mercedes. After a while you just think like, "These people kind of deserve it."

    23. MM

      Yeah.

    24. CW

      Like, how-

    25. MM

      The, the, well, the romance scams are really, really messed up. Also, working, him working out on the beach is hilarious. Just a football helmet on the beach is like... That's one that I'd even catch. Like, hold on a second. I've never... You don't see [laughs]

    26. CW

      Me, uh

    27. MM

      [laughs] Look at that

    28. CW

      And I remember Tom Brady-

    29. MM

      Y- yeah

    30. CW

      ... just in swim shorts.

  7. 32:15 – 41:00

    How Lindsay Clancy Divided America

    1. CW

      can be complained about about."

    2. MM

      And just so I'm sure, Clancy is the lady who everyone's trying to, like, get her out of jail right now.

    3. CW

      Yeah.

    4. MM

      The protesters. Dude.

    5. CW

      Bro, it's a mistrial.

    6. MM

      That's a rough look for... It's a, it is a mistrial?

    7. CW

      It's a mistrial. One guy, one supposedly, allegedly, one male juror held out for six days. It was 11-1, and the one juror was like, "Nope, not murder."

    8. MM

      Not doing it.

    9. CW

      Mistrial. So just, she's, like, free at the moment.

    10. MM

      What?

    11. CW

      Or is she on bail? Was she gonna be on bail?

    12. MM

      She's-

    13. CW

      I think she'll be on bail. Well, is she... Has she... Can you work out if she's got bail or not? But mistrial, so they've gotta do, they've gotta run it back.

    14. MM

      Do it again.

    15. CW

      They've got... This whole thing has got to happen again, at least again, or maybe go up to some-

    16. MM

      Yeah

    17. CW

      ... bigger court or whatever.

    18. MM

      Well, dude, it's... I, so I was actually reading about this, uh, last night, and I didn't realize, first of all, it happened like three years ago, three or four years ago. The husband's already mar- he's remarried.

    19. CW

      But the weird thing is it's been... Three years is quite a long time.

    20. MM

      Yeah.

    21. CW

      It's not a long time to get over something traumatic, but for everyone that... I didn't, I'd never heard Lindsay Clancy's name until three weeks ago.

    22. MM

      Y- yeah.

    23. CW

      And for him, this is now part of... Like, think about where you were three years ago, three and a half years ago. You're like, "Yeah, that was quite a long time ago."

    24. MM

      It was a while, but it's like... Yeah. But I think, I think he's just, like... I could be wrong. I think he just, like, works in an office.

    25. CW

      Normal dude.

    26. MM

      Sounds like an office job. Yeah, just has, like, an office job. That would be, that'd be insane.

    27. CW

      I had a psychiatrist, uh, earlier on this week, and he worked in the ward where she was discharged from. He, like, knows the doctors-

    28. MM

      Whoa

    29. CW

      ... that prescribed her all of the medications, the people that looked after her care, everything. And there's a little bit, I think, especially a lot of guys sort of defaulted to, "She killed her kids." Like, eh.

    30. MM

      Yeah.

  8. 41:00 – 46:13

    Why Support After Birth is So Important

    1. MM

      Oh, dude. Yeah. It's, uh, it's fucked up, man. But it's really, I... What I think though is that, like, w- I would say especially women are not supposed to be by themselves after they have babies. Like, that's a thing that, like, that's how people live now. It's not what you're supposed to do. Like, they really should be, like, as soon as you have a kid, you should be with other mom ladies and other ladies and just, like, you should have a lot of people around you at all times. It's, I think it's a relatively pretty new thing of, like, just have a kid and just sit in a fucking house for a year by yourself. As a lady, I, I think especially it's, like, really fucked up.

    2. CW

      I asked, uh, literally an expert who wrote a book called Dad Brain. So there's mom brain, which you lose about 3% of your gray matter. It's like executive function. You forget where the keys are. But what is interesting is you actually become better at knowing about stuff to do with the kid. You're just really bad at knowing about some-

    3. MM

      Mm-hmm

    4. CW

      ... other stuff, you know, managing your calendar or doing finances or whatever. And dads have kind of the same sort of a thing. I was talking to her and, uh, she thinks the same thing. She thinks that it's almost exclusively mediated by, is there support? Do you feel like you're well contained and held by the local community? There used to be this time, Louise Perry taught me about this, there was this time called laying-in. You ever heard of this?

    5. MM

      Mm-mm.

    6. CW

      So laying-in was a month-long period in the m- Middle Ages where a woman that had just given birth, all that she did was lie in the living room or whatever, and everybody had to s- do stuff for her.

    7. MM

      Yeah.

    8. CW

      Like, be nice to her. Like, bring her food, uh, help her go to the bathroom, help her get washed. Like, "What do you want? Do you need a shoulder rub?" Like, "We'll look after the baby."

    9. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    10. CW

      Like, it's just everybody was as, a kind of probably a infuriating amount of attention.

    11. MM

      Yeah.

    12. CW

      Like, actually if you were a bit of an introvert, you're like, "Okay, this has been nice, but I would like you to leave." And, um-

    13. MM

      Yeah

    14. CW

      ... that, that was it. And now you think no mandatory maternity leave and people are back in the fucking solo cubicle office within, like, we still haven't even physically recovered.

    15. MM

      Oh, yeah.

    16. CW

      Haven't re- haven't physically recovered.

    17. MM

      And, and now you're at work going like I make, you know, I have to make more than basically, um, daycare basically. If I don't make as much as daycare, then I'm at home. If I do-

    18. CW

      Yeah, you're running on a treadmill. It's you versus daycare, and if you don't run fast enough, you like-

    19. MM

      Yeah

    20. CW

      ... get kicked off the back of it.

    21. MM

      Dude, it's, yeah, it's brutal. And especially when you have a kid, that first, like, two weeks or so everyone's like, "Hey." Everyone's stopping by, and then it's just like that's over. And it's just you, and you're like, you know, if you're, you're just sitting there, you're nursing it all the time. That's, like, constantly releasing hormones when they're feeding from you, that you don't produce enough milk. Produce... It's, it's kind of a nightmare, dude. It, it really is, uh, should be revisited as to, like, how people go about doing that kind of stuff, 'cause it's, it's not, it's not good at all. I think we got the 90-day maternity leave from, uh, there was just, like, a therapist back, I think it was an English guy, who was just like, "Winnicott." He was just like, "Yo, you gotta give these, you gotta give these people, like, at least a couple months."

    22. CW

      Something.

    23. MM

      Yeah, he, he determined, he was like, "90 days is the bare minimum you have to give them."

    24. CW

      UK's nine months mandatory.

    25. MM

      Is it really?

    26. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    27. MM

      Yeah, I don't think we do that here. I think we got, like-

    28. CW

      I think people can get-

    29. MM

      ... churn and burn, yeah.

    30. CW

      Yeah, you got to get, gotta get you back into the meat grinder, dude.

  9. 46:13 – 56:48

    Why Having Kids Makes Getting Hit in the Nuts Worth It

    1. CW

      what changed with you? Like, how did you change?

    2. MM

      Well, what, having kids you're saying?

    3. CW

      Yeah, yeah.

    4. MM

      Um, well, the, the main one is ki- it's kinda funny. The main one is, like, kinda painfully obvious. It's like you don't realize, and not even, like, in a bad wa- I mean, I don't know if it's, like, necessarily a bad way 'cause I think everyone does this. Just how self-absorbed, how all of your thoughts are just, like, bong, bong, bong, like, all day long. And it's, like, natural. It's very natural. Then you have, like, a kid, and you're like, it literally just plants almost, like, another self in your brain that you're always thinking about this person. You're still thinking about yourself, and then, like, it's, it's very weird how that works.

    5. CW

      Mm.

    6. MM

      'Cause it is, 'cause you notice, like, you know, you're like, "All right, it's time. I'm gonna do this." And you're like, you have to do something with the kid, and you're like, "All right, I'll get to that later." Then you start being like, "I'll never get to that other th-" Like, it's just not happening.

    7. CW

      [laughs]

    8. MM

      Like, I'm never gonna do it, and you kinda go through this weird kind of like, uh, inner transformation-

    9. CW

      Mm-hmm

    10. MM

      ... over time where you're, like, just letting certain things die off and you... But it's, it's nice 'cause, you know, you feel good to, like-

    11. CW

      Completely, like, no one really enjoys an insane level of selfishness. I think too much attention on yourself. I ca- I saw this tweet the other week that said something like, um, "You're not autistic, you're just spending too much time in the house on your own and it's making you weird."

    12. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    13. CW

      And-

    14. MM

      [laughs] I also don't think you're, you should, like, I don't think your brain's designed to think about yourself for-

    15. CW

      Bingo

    16. MM

      ... more than, like, 30 something years.

    17. CW

      Bingo.

    18. MM

      'Cause I had a kid when I was, like, in my 30s, and I remember being like, I've played all the hits of, like, why don't I do this? I'm gonna do this. And I'm like, I remember thinking, like, this is getting kinda fucking old. I'm, like, circling all these tracks. Then you have a kid and you're like, "All right, thank God, I can just think about you now."

    19. CW

      Yeah. Jimmy Carr talks about saying it's, um, uh, having a child is, um, uh, it's a surgical procedure where your own heart now lives outside of your own body.

    20. MM

      Yeah.

    21. CW

      Like, you're just, okay, now this is the thing that's the most important. But yeah, I mean, I, I definitely believe a lot of the malaise and, like, business pursuits and, and, like, weird habits and, and, like, obsessions that guys have are just surrogate families they haven't got around to yet. You think so much of this would be fixed if you just had a-

    22. MM

      Yeah

    23. CW

      ... had a baby that you were looking after, because it would clean out all the barnacles off the bottom of the ship. Or maybe it would just completely torpedo your life 'cause you can't afford it. I don't know.

    24. MM

      That too. But, but also it i- there is something where it's like, um, like I've tried a lot of stuff. If I'd have had kids, I'd be like, "All right, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that," da, da, da. And you do things and you're like, "Yeah, I guess it's kinda cool." When you have a kid, it's like, it, like, clicks in a very obvious set groove in your brain where you're like, "Yes, this makes sense why I'm doing this now." 'Cause I would do things, I'm like, "Well, why am I even doing this?" And you're just like, "Okay, this all makes sense."

    25. CW

      I have a purpose.

    26. MM

      Yeah, it's like a, it's like a baked in kind of purpose. It's just, and it's funny too 'cause, like, when you examine it from, like, you know, like, advantages and all this stuff, it's, like, just more so disadvantages. Like, I get hit in the nuts constantly. I get woken up early.

    27. CW

      Why?

    28. MM

      Dude, kids just hit you in the nuts. Right. As soon as-

    29. CW

      On purpose?

    30. MM

      Well, they're like, their ha- they'll like go to like hit you

  10. 56:48 – 1:10:30

    Are We All Natural Pessimists?

    1. CW

      I know that you're into, uh, writing and, and, and stuff. Have you ever read Leo Tolstoy's, uh, diary entries? Have you ever seen any of these?

    2. MM

      Mm-mm. I've read some of his short stories.

    3. CW

      Might be some of the best diary entries ever. So-

    4. MM

      What was he, what was he on about?

    5. CW

      Yeah. September 19th, 1858. "Decided that one must love and work-"

    6. MM

      [laughs]

    7. CW

      "... and that's it." September 20th, "Tired, didn't work, and didn't love."

    8. MM

      [laughs]

    9. CW

      Just the best. Uh-

    10. MM

      [laughs]

    11. CW

      ... March, March 31st, 1852. "Woke up at 6:00, woke everyone up. I did not get up and slept until 9:00."

    12. MM

      [laughs] That's it. That's his whole time. [laughs]

    13. CW

      January 25th, 1851. "I've fallen in love or imagine that I have, went to a party and lost my head, bought a horse, which I don't need at all." The guy sounds [laughs] fucking awesome.

    14. MM

      Yeah, he does, man. He- Tolstoy was another one of those Russian guys, right? The Russian writers are unbelievable.

    15. CW

      Built different.

    16. MM

      Yeah. Com- Like 100%, dude.

    17. CW

      They'd be living in the insane asylum.

    18. MM

      Yeah.

    19. CW

      They would love that.

    20. MM

      They're wild dudes. I'm, I'm reading a Dostoevsky book right now, or however you say his name, and it's... Dude, those guys are... That time, I don't know when Tolstoy was alive, but that like 1890s Russia time period, it's, I was... It's insane. 'Cause like, you know, obviously there's no cell phones or whatever, but like, you're just in a town full of people. And like, they would obviously have their beefs and quarrels and stuff, but like, you couldn't... Like, you know, you can text someone now like, "Hey, what do you wanna do?" And if they don't get back to you, you're like, "Well, I don't think they wanna hang out." You'd have to go to someone's house, and they'd be like, "Go away." And you'd be like, "What the fuck's your problem?" He'd be like, "I don't like you." And you'd be like, "Okay, fuck."

    21. CW

      Do you think this is unique to Russia?

    22. MM

      Well, just that time period.

    23. CW

      In general.

    24. MM

      But it was just like, you know, they're, just the way they talk to each other is so fu- I think in general, probably the whole area's like that.

    25. CW

      The way that, the way that beef unfolded before cell phone-

    26. MM

      Yeah

    27. CW

      ... before being able to make phone calls is, well, everything's face to face.

    28. MM

      And it was also that like old time kind of like vocal register where they'd be like, "Your f- your presence offends me. Get out."

    29. CW

      [laughs]

    30. MM

      'Cause you would do, dude, it's like they do it in the book where like you gotta find matches. So if you don't know where your matches are, they were like your cell phone 'cause like if you were, if it, if it, if it was nighttime, you had to light matches, light a candle, people would just come into your house and be like, "Hey, what's up? Hey, I need... My wife's giving birth. I need..." Or, "I need a..." So you're just sleeping-

  11. 1:10:30 – 1:19:04

    Was Matt a Bad Drug Dealer?

    1. MM

      dude, I, I remember I was thinking about that driving the other day. I was like, dude, when I was... My, my whole, my 20s were, like, just fucking insane. Like, I could have died, like, for sure a couple times. It w- it wouldn't have been that crazy, but I was-

    2. CW

      What was the, what was the close- or what were one of the closest times that you came to death?

    3. MM

      Uh, I, I've had guns pulled on... I used to sell weed too.

    4. CW

      Yeah.

    5. MM

      So I'd have guns pulled on me, uh, twice. So that was like, any other day, that guy could've been like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna shoot, actually shoot this guy rather than not do it." I thought about it and I was like, holy fuck, man. [chuckles] That is crazy.

    6. CW

      Came really close.

    7. MM

      Yeah. So you think about it and you're like, holy shit. Like, that would've not have been that crazy. Like I-

    8. CW

      Was that debts and stuff like that?

    9. MM

      Mm-mm. Robbery. They were robbing me. I wasn't, I was not a robber. I was the robbee, so I would get robbed. I would get robbed constantly, and I would just be like, whatever. Fuck it.

    10. CW

      Sounds like the wor- you sound like the worst drug dealer ever.

    11. MM

      Well, here's the thing. I w- well, hold on. I was-

    12. CW

      [laughs]

    13. MM

      It was these other guys that were the worst drug dealers. I was doing my job. I was on time. I was punctual. I was quality control, very quality control forward. I, you know, I, I was, I was never trying to rip people off. But for me, I was always... For me, money was always to buy kind of freedom. So I never, I didn't care about, like, nice stuff. I never, like, wasted. I would just save all my money and be like, "Yes, I don't have to work for, like, six months. This is awesome." Then I would get robbed, and I would just be like, "All right, I'll make it again. Come on, guys. Let's go." But, like, you just, you think about it and it's like, for me, it's like, yeah, it's cool, you know, the blah, blah, blah, to get out of it and, like, risk-taking. I think that's all good stuff.

    14. CW

      Mm.

    15. MM

      But then it's like, dude, I could have just, like, chilled out something internally too. Like, I didn't have to go that crazy.

    16. CW

      Mm. Mm-hmm.

    17. MM

      You know, I could have, I could have slowly but surely figured things out and blah, blah, blah, and it's like, yeah, I'm just... It's, it is a relief. You're like, never have to worry about that. Like, cop- I've got pulled over by cops recently and just kinda like, "Hey, what's up, guys?" Before I would've been like, "My life's over. I'm dead. This is terrible. I'm going to jail for it." Now I'm just kinda like, "What's up, guys?"

    18. CW

      Hello.

    19. MM

      How you doing, brother?

    20. CW

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

    21. MM

      It's, it's, it's so nice.

    22. CW

      You sound like a very stand-up drug dealer.

    23. MM

      I was.

    24. CW

      You're like, "Oh, he's a nice, he's a nice-"

    25. MM

      Dude, I got that. It was the one compliment I always get. They're like, "Dude, you're, you're actually on time. You're this, you're that." I was very good. I didn't, I never ripped people off or anything like that.

    26. CW

      Isn't it a shame that there aren't Trustpilot reviews for drug dealers? Wouldn't that be good?

    27. MM

      Yeah. [laughs]

    28. CW

      You'd have had, you'd have had a great rating.

    29. MM

      Well, I think that's like the dark web now. So I think you kind of, if you're like, a lot of them just operate on the dark web.

    30. CW

      Mm.

  12. 1:19:04 – 1:25:47

    Are Life’s Cliches Actually Right?

    1. CW

      "Fuck you." Uh, but the difference is, 'cause my housemate's away in Montenegro at the moment, and there is something really, like, kind of despondent about coming home and nothing's moved. Like, nothing's changed. Like, that cup is in the exact same place-

    2. MM

      Yeah

    3. CW

      ... as when I left it this morning.

    4. MM

      Mm.

    5. CW

      And I just want someone to come and, like, me- even if they mess my stuff up a bit.

    6. MM

      Just vandalize it slightly. [laughs]

    7. CW

      Just a little bit. Like, move the cup or something.

    8. MM

      No, dude.

    9. CW

      I just want new mess.

    10. MM

      Yeah.

    11. CW

      Or different mess or something. Like-

    12. MM

      Yeah. No, that's-

    13. CW

      But it's really, like, oh, it's the same, it's the same as it was before.

    14. MM

      Yeah.

    15. CW

      That's, there it is.

    16. MM

      It's, dude, it's, uh... Yeah, that's, when I travel for stand-up, I'll, like, my hotel rooms, it's the same. I walk into that silence and I'm like, "Uh." It's just kind... People are like, "It must be great, right?" I'm like, "No, I don't, I really, I really dislike it, but..." But yeah, that was kind of, like, my My whole, my, I guess the thing that I've, like, learned, like, horribly and the wrong, like, the hard way is that, like, if at my early 20s... 'Cause the problem was, is like you, at least I think, in school it's geared towards, like, achieve for yourself and yourself alone, get into the best school, make the best, make the most money. But then you're, like, set on this track that you're like... Like, I remember being, like, in college being like, "I don't really care about that, but I also wanna do well and I wanna have a nice life." And it was like, had this big conflict where it was like, if I were to talk to, like, a, a 20-year-old now, I'd be like, "Find something you like to do that maybe benefits other people, and that will actually give you enough meaning to, like, endure the horrible time-

    17. CW

      Mm

    18. MM

      ... in your early career where you're eating shit and everyone, you know, it sucks." 'Cause I tried to, like, lightning jump ahead of that, and it just was, like, a fucking disaster for, like, [chuckles] 15 years. It was a one disaster after another just to get out of, like, b- I was such a pussy about having a job, being like, "I deserve more than this." And it's like, I, I could, almost died because of it.

    19. CW

      I deserve to have a gun pointed at me.

    20. MM

      Yeah, I almost literally died because I, I could have just, like, found something I was interested in-

    21. CW

      Because I couldn't drink coffee and sit in a cubicle.

    22. MM

      [laughs] Yeah, I know, I know. Dude, I, for real, I, like, see office guys hanging out at, like, lunchtime, like 10 people at lunch, and it would get to the point where I would be, like, envious of them. I'm like, "Dude, that actually looks nice."

    23. CW

      Mm-hmm.

    24. MM

      "It looks nice. You're there with your friends."

    25. CW

      Having a great time. Yeah, you-

    26. MM

      Everyone's kinda chilling

    27. CW

      ... don't need to take your work home with you.

    28. MM

      No.

    29. CW

      You're not worried about someone breaking your door down.

    30. MM

      Mm-mm.

  13. 1:25:47 – 1:34:02

    Ending Up in the Same Spot Isn’t the Same As Having Never Left

    1. CW

      The, um, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, uh, I, that was, like, the first book I read. I went ... so long without reading a book. So I was in uni, and I hated academia even though I was okay at it. But I just got so disenchanted. Within three weeks of being in university-

    2. MM

      Mm

    3. CW

      ... it's like, why am I learning about Henry Ford's principles of scientific management? Like, why... This is-- I'm, I'm never gonna need this. So I just immediately started running parties, um, was like, "Oh, that's sick." And that actually also teaches me business kind of.

    4. MM

      Mm.

    5. CW

      But I became very, uh, like flippant and dismissive of any stuff-

    6. MM

      Mm

    7. CW

      ... even if it was probably useful. Like, no, it's, like, stupid 'cause I've, I've learned it from a lecturer who has never run a business, right?

    8. MM

      Yeah.

    9. CW

      Which is the interesting thing about typical business courses. Everyone goes to think, "I'm gonna learn how to run a business," being taught by people who don't run businesses, which is-

    10. MM

      Dude, the business theory guys. Uh, I went to school for business as well, and I was kinda like, "So you're a doctor in business?" [chuckles] Like-

    11. CW

      Why are you not in business?

    12. MM

      [laughs]

    13. CW

      Should you not be... Like, that would be like finding out that you're learning from a doctor that or, or a surgeon or something, and you're like-

    14. MM

      Or like a research doc- yeah, it's like getting surgery by a research doctor, where you're kinda like, "All right, dude."

    15. CW

      Yeah, this, like, you know, this doesn't make sense.

    16. MM

      Yeah, those guys, that, that was a f- so yeah, that's-- Sorry, that made me laugh. 'Cause I had a similar experience being like, "What the fuck? What are you-"

    17. CW

      Why are you here?

    18. MM

      Yeah.

    19. CW

      Uh, but anyway, so like I, I go through university and I'm like, "Oh, this fucking doesn't really... I, I don't really understand w-what it is that I'm learning." And then I get out on the other side and I haven't read a book in, in for... Like, "Harry Potter" was like the last book-

    20. MM

      Mm

    21. CW

      ... I read when I was 14 or something.

    22. MM

      Yeah.

    23. CW

      And then, um, I go to do "Love Island," that reality TV thing, and you have a week of media lockdown where they need to release to the press who's going on the show. But they don't want any of the people that are going on the show to know the other people that are going on the show. So they basically have a guy that supervises you and lives with you for a week, and you go and do all of your interviews with the TV and the radio and the press people, and then he watches you at all times, and you're living in, it was Palma, Mallorca, so the south coast of Mallorca.

    24. MM

      Mm-hmm.

    25. CW

      And you have a little geographic area that you're allowed to move in with your chaperone, and he follows you 24 hours a day. And then all of the other people that are on the show have got different territories, and they go to different gyms at different times to make sure that there's no chance that you would-

    26. MM

      Whoa

    27. CW

      ... overlap each other. It's really crazy. It's fucking wild.

    28. MM

      Yeah.

    29. CW

      It's like a military operation. And, um, while I was there, they're taking your phone off you and you're not allowed to access the Inter- you can't even go to news agents. You're not allowed to go into a news agents on your own in case, you know, there's an-

    30. MM

      Mm-hmm

  14. 1:34:02 – 1:37:08

    Was Matt a Private Investigator?

    1. CW

      What's this private investigator thing? Was that, like, a part of your history briefly?

    2. MM

      I was a PI very briefly.

    3. CW

      Right.

    4. MM

      I was a PI. Yeah, the... Well, it was... So I-

    5. CW

      Hang on. So you went from-

    6. MM

      It was wild

    7. CW

      ... being a person on one side of the law to being somebody presumably that kind of assists

    8. MM

      PI. Well, yeah, it's, it's, uh, more insurance companies, honestly.

    9. CW

      Okay.

    10. MM

      So-

    11. CW

      What's the process of becoming a licensed private investigator?

    12. MM

      That was actually kind of a sweet... So I knew somebody who was, so they kinda just, like, let me do it, and they kinda give you a little thing. Like, you know, if cops come up and bother you, just show them this thing.

    13. CW

      So nothing. You're telling me basically-

    14. MM

      Yeah, I mean, you could get your real thing, but I didn't have, like, a real license. I was just doing kinda, like, PI grunt work. So they give you, like, a little fake, you know, they're like, "Here, here, do this." And they're like, "Show... If someone comes up to bother you, be like, 'Hey, I'm working with these guys.'" So you have, like, something to flash the cops.

    15. CW

      Okay.

    16. MM

      'Cause they'll call the cops on you. They'll be like, "Why? Who the... This person's been sitting in my driveway."

    17. CW

      Follow me.

    18. MM

      Um, I thought it'd be a lot more exciting than it was. It was very boring. I did it for two days, and I stopped.

    19. CW

      [laughs]

    20. MM

      I was... I had to, I had to sit outside, like, a fucking, like, warehouse. And, like, they're like, "Here's a grainy photo of a guy." I had to just sit there, and I like, you know, I, um, I had to, like, wait for the shift to see if it was, like, the guy came out, but it was like, I, I... It was just hard to even distinguish. I had, like, the grainy photo of a Black guy, and then, like, 12 Black guys came out of the building, and I was just like, "Fuck. [laughs] Fuck." And it was wintertime. Everyone's wearing hats and scarves and shit. I was like, "Bro, I can't. I gotta get, like... I need to get, like, up to face-to-face to even have a shot." So I just sat there and read books for, like, two days, and then I told my buddy, I was like, "Bro, I can't. I'm not-"

    21. CW

      This isn't for me.

    22. MM

      "This isn't for me."

    23. CW

      Take your badge back.

    24. MM

      Dude, he was showing me, like, fucking spy watches and shit when I went in there. I'm thinking I'm gonna be in a bar, like, recording conversations. I was in my car just for, like, 12 hours.

    25. CW

      Just reading, watching.

    26. MM

      Reading books. And then one... I come up, I'm like, "Oh, shit, they did a shift change."

    27. CW

      [laughs]

    28. MM

      I was a, I was a terrible private eye. [laughs] It was one of my... Yeah, it was one of my many jobs. But that was, that was two days. And I, I would have jobs, too. During my whole career of, I would say, mainly selling weed, it was like I would have good time. I... Booms and busts within that. So then at the, during the bust, I had to go get a job. So I would kind of, like, constantly be doing, like, multiple things.

    29. CW

      Sell, sell drugs, make money, get robbed, take job.

    30. MM

      Yep. Save money, buy drugs if I can't get them front-

  15. 1:37:08 – 1:37:41

    Where to Find Matt

    1. CW

      I can't do it. Dude.

    2. MM

      Dude.

    3. CW

      Give me the bits. Appreciate you.

    4. MM

      Thank you, man. Appreciate you.

    5. CW

      Uh, what have you got coming up? Where should people go?

    6. MM

      Ooh, um, uh-

    7. CW

      Talk to me, baby

    8. MM

      ... I have a bunch of shows coming up. Mattmcusker.com. Uh, let me see. I have a, I have one. There's one I g- Newark is the one I gotta really move some tickets to, but either way, just go to mattmcusker.com for standup.

    9. CW

      I know.

    10. MM

      Uh, Matt and Shane Secret Podcast, the whole, the whole shebang.

    11. CW

      Sick. Appreciate you, man.

    12. MM

      Thank you, man.

    13. CW

      All right. Goodbye, my beauties. Dude, talk to you normally.

    14. MM

      Yeah, that was fun.

    15. CW

      [outro music] Congratulations. You made it to the end of a podcast episode without dying. Now, here's another one. Go on, watch it.

Episode duration: 1:37:42

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