Modern WisdomWhy Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 4:13
Sex recession is real: less partnered sex and less solo sex too
Chris and Debra establish that the “sex recession” isn’t just people substituting partnered sex with porn or masturbation—overall sexual activity is shrinking. Debra cites converging datasets showing large shares of men and women report no sex in the last year, with the decline especially pronounced among young people.
- •Multiple datasets show a sizeable rise in sexlessness (e.g., ~1 in 3 men, ~1 in 5 women no sex in past 12 months)
- •Declines appear across relationship status, age cohorts, and developed countries
- •Adolescent data suggests declines in masturbation and in many sexual behaviors, not just intercourse
- •Question introduced: what is replacing sex (porn, OnlyFans, AI companions, etc.)
- •Hypothesis that something broader—social and biological—may be driving the drop
- 4:13 – 7:24
When the decline started: internet, smartphones, COVID, and mental health exhaustion
Debra places the start of the downturn roughly in the 1990s, accelerating over the last 20 years. They connect the trend to the rise of the internet/smartphones, social division between men and women, and worsening mental health that makes dating feel costly and risky.
- •Sex recession documented for ~30 years; most prominent in last ~20 years
- •COVID worsened trends but didn’t start them
- •Internet/smartphones/social media reduce real-world interaction and increase polarization
- •Growing antagonism between men and women makes dating and relationships harder
- •Anxiety/depression and fatigue reduce motivation to pursue dates and tolerate rejection
- 7:24 – 13:32
Hypergamy online: the “three sixes” rule and unrealistic standards on both sides
They unpack hypergamy as a real pattern (women often prefer equal-or-higher status partners), then critique how internet culture exaggerates it into rigid checklists. Both agree social media and dating app dynamics inflate expectations and distort what predicts relationship success.
- •Definition of hypergamy and how it shows up in modern dating narratives
- •“Three sixes” (height, income, penis size) as an internet caricature of mate preferences
- •Argument that checklist metrics don’t strongly correlate with long-term relationship quality
- •Men and women both develop unrealistic standards via curated online images and status signals
- •Online discourse oversimplifies mating psychology into spreadsheet-friendly traits
- 13:32 – 22:42
The ‘tall girl problem’: education/earning shifts and a squeezed partner market
Chris and Debra connect changing economics to mating market mismatch: more high-performing women and fewer “above-them” men by traditional preferences. They discuss how this concentrates options among a smaller pool of high-status men, potentially reducing commitment and increasing churn.
- •High-performing women face a smaller pool of men they see as ‘eligible’ under hypergamous preferences
- •A small group of top men gains disproportionate dating leverage and optionality
- •Casual sex can inflate perceived mate value (“rent vs buy” analogy) and destabilize expectations
- •Relationship outcomes correlate with breadwinner dynamics (e.g., higher divorce risk when men lose jobs)
- •Debate over whether these are ‘physics of the system’ vs culturally malleable
- 22:42 – 32:00
Birth control and mate choice: ovulation cues, attraction shifts, and downstream effects
They explore how hormonal contraception blunts ovulation-driven changes in women’s sexual interest and signaling, and how men respond to fertility cues. Chris adds that male hormone profiles and motivation may be affected by reduced exposure to fertile women, raising a possible under-discussed factor in libido changes.
- •Pill halts ovulation, potentially reducing cyclical peaks in sexual interest and social/sexual signaling
- •Studies suggest men detect ovulation via appearance/scent and show more mate-guarding when partners ovulate
- •Concern: young women often start the pill for non-contraceptive reasons without understanding tradeoffs
- •Reports of attraction changes after stopping the pill; advice to reassess compatibility before major commitments
- •Hypothesis: widespread fertility suppression and social isolation may contribute to reduced male drive/testosterone
- 32:00 – 33:33
Chris’ romance novel model detour: “cinnamon roll” fantasy vs what sells
Chris recounts his time as a romance cover model and what he learned about the market for dominance vs softness in romantic/sexual fantasy. The anecdote becomes a broader point: what people claim to want publicly can differ from what they buy or eroticize privately.
- •Behind-the-scenes look at romance cover modeling and reader demographics
- •“Cinnamon roll husband” (soft, non-dominant archetype) didn’t sell despite cultural push
- •Romance novels as a kind of “female porn” and a window into fantasy preferences
- •Public endorsements of ‘soft men’ vs private attraction to dominance/competence
- •Illustrates mismatch between internet narratives and real-world revealed preferences
- 33:33 – 36:53
Environmental and pharmaceutical hormone disruption: falling testosterone and endocrine signals
Debra outlines evidence that testosterone has declined over decades even after accounting for lifestyle factors, implying environmental drivers. They discuss endocrine disruptors, drug residues in water, SSRIs’ impact on libido, and the unknown long-term effects of medicating children.
- •Studies show multi-decade testosterone decline not fully explained by weight/diet/age/lifestyle
- •Potential environmental exposures: food, water supply, pharmaceutical contamination
- •Animal research (e.g., fish) shows disrupted sex characteristics and courtship behaviors
- •SSRIs reduce libido; post-SSRI sexual dysfunction is a growing concern
- •Uncertainty about prescribing psychoactive drugs to children and downstream sexual development effects
- 36:53 – 46:42
Porn and men: sedation, motivation loss, and the neuroscience of arousal
They debate whether porn is best understood as addiction or as a powerful, convenient self-soothing tool that sedates drive and reduces mate-seeking. Debra explains that porn activates similar brain networks as partnered sex (though typically less strongly), making it compelling and habit-forming as routine.
- •Porn can substitute for dating effort by delivering arousal/orgasm cheaply and reliably
- •“Male sedation hypothesis”: screens, games, weed, and porn reduce status-seeking and mating behaviors
- •Porn activates much of the same arousal network as sex, reinforcing preference for the proxy
- •Habituation is framed as routine-building; debate over “escalation” to extreme content
- •Discussion of ‘gooning’ and long-duration edging as an example of porn-driven patterns
- 46:42 – 1:08:31
Porn and women: anxiety, body comparison, aggression fantasies, and BDSM trauma links
Debra argues porn problems often track anxiety and trauma histories for both sexes, with women’s negative effects becoming more visible as exposure starts earlier. They explore research on aggression in porn preferences, women’s sexual fluidity and arousal patterns, and Debra’s claim that BDSM/kink interest correlates with severe childhood abuse in her data.
- •Porn ‘addiction’ debate: confounds like anxiety and paraphilias may explain some findings
- •Girls are exposed earlier now—sometimes before first sexual experiences—shaping expectations and self-image
- •Discussion of studies showing women may report higher arousal to aggressive porn than men in some samples
- •Women’s broader arousal patterns are discussed (and the role of evolution/rape-protection hypotheses)
- •Debra’s analysis: BDSM/kink interest correlates with severe physical abuse history; suggestion to examine motivations clinically
- 1:08:31 – 1:24:22
Social media, porn aesthetics, and plastic surgery: rising comparison and body modification
They connect social media to reduced desire and increased dissatisfaction—men comparing partners to influencers, women feeling less desirable. The conversation expands into porn-driven beauty standards, cosmetic surgery trends (including labiaplasty and very young facelifts), and how status signaling can drive extreme “sexual dimorphism” aesthetics.
- •Study cited: some men report reduced interest in sex with partner after viewing influencers; women report decreased desirability
- •Upward comparison is especially harmful for less popular or comparison-prone adolescents
- •Porn-linked procedures: labiaplasty; men seeking penis fillers for sexting/appearance
- •Broader cosmetic escalation: very young facelifts, eye lifts, buccal fat removal → filler cycle
- •Beauty work as costly signaling (resources, lifestyle, mate investment) and “Fisherian runaway” exaggeration
- 1:24:22 – 1:29:10
Looksmaxxing: optimizing for male rivalry more than female attraction
Chris and Debra argue modern male “looksmaxxing” often targets formidability—traits that impress other men—more than what women actually prefer. They discuss evidence that men’s ratings of a man’s fighting formidability can predict sexual success better than women’s attractiveness ratings in some research.
- •Looksmaxxing framed as intrasexual competition: becoming intimidating/respected by other men
- •Women may prefer a mix (e.g., more average/slightly feminized face with a more masculine body) rather than extreme facial masculinity
- •David Puts research anecdote: male formidability ratings predicted later sexual success better than female attractiveness ratings
- •Men may project their own preference for looks onto women, overestimating how decisive it is for women
- •Alternative theory: beautification as compensation when socioeconomic competition feels unwinnable
- 1:29:10 – 1:38:25
Sexless marriages and ‘phubbing’: how phones and routine kill intimacy—and how to revive it
Debra describes extreme cases of long-term sexless marriages and argues sex is a key bonding pathway, especially for men’s emotional intimacy. They discuss how constant phone use (“phubbing”) corrodes connection, and explore strategies to restore novelty and desire in long relationships.
- •Reports of marriages going decades without sex; links to cheating and relational damage
- •Sex as a primary route to intimacy for many men
- •Phone distraction during/around sex and general partner neglect correlates with reduced sex
- •Long-term comfort → laziness: loss of intrigue and discovery reduces chemistry
- •Practical ideas: flirtation throughout the day, intentional novelty (role-play/wigs), slow pacing to preserve novelty over time
- 1:38:25 – 1:45:50
Sex dolls, sex robots, and AI companions: realistic substitutes and emotional dependency risks
Debra recounts researching dolls/robots (including attempting one in her likeness) and explains the technical line between stationary dolls and moving robots. They then turn to AI companions, describing how realistic conversational/erotic bonding can become—and how platform changes can trigger real grief and abandonment feelings.
- •Dolls vs robots: movement/automation is the key distinction; current robotics still limited but advancing
- •Pandemic-era demand spike; typical buyer profile described (often single/divorced, modest income, but not exclusively)
- •Dolls as alternatives for heartbreak, dating avoidance, or inability to attract partners
- •AI companions can feel indistinguishable from humans over text/voice; can flirt and do erotic roleplay
- •People form attachments; feature removals can cause distress (“it doesn’t remember me anymore”) and reinforce social rejection wounds
- 1:45:50 – 2:01:49
Why we’re struggling to connect—and how that feeds into birthrate decline
They zoom out from sex to connection: screen-mediated life reduces eye contact, conversation, and the willingness to treat dating seriously. Debra and Chris tie these shifts to fertility and reproduction, emphasizing that many people who want kids can’t find partners, and that technology may mask rather than solve underlying social problems.
- •Real-life interaction is being replaced by screens; social norms increasingly discourage talking to strangers
- •Convenience of apps lowers perceived value/commitment (“home-cooked meal vs McDonald’s” analogy)
- •Reproduction framed as the ultimate function of sex; society is drifting into self-selection out of breeding
- •Many childless people report partnerlessness as a major reason; rise of “single motherhood by choice” discussed
- •Fertility tech (egg freezing/IVF) may treat symptoms without fixing cultural and mating-market causes
- 2:01:49 – 2:06:19
Can it be reversed? Practical advice, compassion across sexes, and closing the adversarial loop
They argue the gender-war narrative worsens isolation and undermines cooperation in dating and family formation. Debra offers practical, behavior-level interventions (meeting offline, signaling interest, health basics, porn breaks) and urges more honest discussion about fertility windows and life planning.
- •Polarized blame narratives between men and women reduce trust and willingness to pair-bond
- •Advice for women: meet in real life, cultivate receptivity (smile, approachable cues), be mindful of narrow ‘high-status only’ pursuit
- •Advice for men: prioritize mental/physical health (diet, training, sunlight), reduce ultra-processed food; consider a 30-day porn break
- •Acknowledgment of structural constraints (education/earning gaps, commitment incentives) while emphasizing individual agency
- •Wrap-up: book plug and where to find Debra Soh
