5 Steps to Master your Inner-Critics - (Part 2 of 2)

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why inner-critics are the #1 obstacle to confidence and action

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      Welcome to your inner-critics. Those voices that hold you back, strip you of your confidence, fill you with self-doubt, and make you feel like you're not enough. Whether we're conscious of it or not, we all have these inner critical voices. And one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about the topic and even doing my PhD research on it, is because in my work with hundreds of professionals around the world, it's clear to me that this is the number one obstacle that holds people back, sometimes from even trying. Now, before I go any further, in case you missed

2. 0:30 – 1:00

   Part 2 context: from archetypes to self-coaching questions

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:30

      it, I highly recommend that you first watch part one of the series on what the five inner-critic archetypes are and which ones might be lurking in your head. It's based on an article I published with Forbes in August of 2020. Watching that video first will help this one make a whole lot more sense. Great, so now you know what the five archetypes are. This video is going to take you through the 5 questions to self-coach your way out of being a slave to your inner-critics. Now, you've probably heard the phrase, "You are your own worst enemy." I'd like to rephrase that

3. 1:00 – 1:30

   Reframing the enemy: ego-driven voices and why suppression backfires

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:00

      to, your ego can be your worst enemy, with your inner-critics being an integral manifestation of your ego. Regardless of whether you have one or all five of the inner-critics, if you want to achieve your potential, you need to quieten and transcend these inner critical voices. It's essential to recognizing your self-worth. I've seen motivators and gurus encourage and sometimes even push people to ignore or to completely silence their negative voices and just do it anyway. And sometimes that works, but if the inner-critics are

4. 1:30 – 2:00

   Step 1 — Identify which inner-critic is speaking (and its narrative)

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:30

      persistent, then it eventually overwhelms your willpower. The thing is, the ego and these inner-critics don't respond well to being silenced. They actually thrive on attention, and they can become rebellious. The approach that we recommend is to calm and subdue your inner-critic instead of fighting it. I'm going to take you through the five steps to help you to self-coach your way to subduing those pesky inner-critics. Step 1: You first wanna ask yourself, which inner-critic is speaking to me right now? What narrative are they pushing? Awareness

5. 2:00 – 2:31

   Naming to tame it: creating distance with labels, names, and sketches

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:00

      and identification are important places to start. By consciously listening to the voices, you can identify them and then become aware of how irrational they actually are. And a great tip here is to disassociate yourself from your inner critical voice, because sometimes you might get confused by hearing the voice say, "I'm a failure." But actually, it's your inner-critic saying, "You're a failure." So you want to actually rephrase what you hear as, my classic judge critic is saying that I'm a failure. Some of our clients even like to

6. 2:31 – 3:01

   Step 2 — Decode the critic’s protective intent (failure, rejection, even success)

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:31

      give their critics names and even to sketch them out. Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel coined the phrase, "Name it to tame it," which relates to emotional regulation and how by naming the emotion, you can actually reduce your experience of that emotion. This practice can also help you further disassociate yourself from your inner-critics. The next step is to ask, what is this critic trying to protect me from? Often, your inner-critic is trying to protect you from some form of unfounded harm or threat. It tries to

7. 3:01 – 3:31

   Genuine risks vs imaginary ego-threats: learning to discern the difference

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:01

      keep you safe, which is why you wanna take the time to reflect on what it's trying to protect you from. Is it the possibility of failure? Maybe social rejection? Maybe the unknown. Perhaps it's trying to protect you from success. Fear of success is actually a real thing. When you can understand what it's trying to protect you from, it can be a really effective method in creating some emotional distance and to understand the source behind the criticism. It's really important to learn to actually discern between a genuine risk and

8. 3:31 – 4:32

   Step 3 — Examine the evidence and challenge catastrophizing

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:31

      an imaginary threat conjured up by your ego or your inner-critics. A real risk might be that you genuinely don't have the competence yet to pursue a particular promotion or a new role, whereas an ego-driven threat could be a belief that, "If I fail to get promoted, I'm not valuable, and my boss will realize and question why I'm here in the first place, and then I might get fired." The next step is that you want to examine the evidence. So here's where you want to ask yourself, do I really need to be protected? What is the best case scenario? What do I have control over? Your thoughts don't always reflect the truth, and often they cause you to view things with an exaggerated negative bias. It's a cognitive distortion called catastrophizing, where we think of the worst case scenario. So by taking time to rationally highlight other alternatives and contrary evidence, like that time you delivered a highly impactful presentation, or when you were able to push through and deliver outstanding results, you're able to create space to acknowledge other possibilities.

9. 4:32 – 5:02

   Step 4 — Break the cycle with cognitive shifting (get off autopilot)

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:32

      We then move into step 4, which is where you break the cycle. This is where you use a technique known as cognitive shifting, which simply means to consciously choose to switch off autopilot and to take control of your thoughts. Here is where you want to remind yourself of your strengths, your talents, your value, and what you're capable to offer. Think about and reflect on your previous accomplishments or how others see you to help you validate this mental shift. And finally, we move to step number 5, which is where you respond. Here

10. 5:02 – 5:33

    Step 5 — Respond with compassionate, realistic ‘I am’ statements

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:02

       is where you want to come up with a rational response to your inner-critic using I am statements. Talk to it. Remind it that you're in control, and respond with a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. You can say something like, "Look, I see you. I hear you. I know what you're trying to do, and I know you're trying to protect me, but I don't need your protection. I am confident. I am capable. While I don't have all the skills yet, I know I'll be able to figure it out and learn how to do it. I've done it before,

11. 5:33 – 6:04

    Where inner-critics come from—and why change is possible (neuroplasticity)

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:33

       and I will do it again. I believe in myself." Your inner-critics have likely developed over decades. They start to emerge in your childhood experiences, especially those in the first seven formative years of your life, where your personality starts to form. And although they can be really, really deeply entrenched in your mind and have a very firm grasp on your sense of self and your sense of confidence, you can actually break the cycle. Your brain has this incredible quality of neuroplasticity, which simply means it can learn new things and

12. 6:04 – 7:36

    Closing lesson: the Cherokee ‘two wolves’ fable and what you feed grows

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:04

       unlearn old patterns. Importantly, you can also rewire your neural pathways, and it starts with awareness and consciously subduing the voices before they completely take over by using these five self-coaching steps that I just took you through. And in time and with practice, you'll learn how to quieten these critical voices from getting in your way so that you can achieve what you're capable of and reach your potential. I wanted to end with this old Cherokee fable of a grandfather teaching his grandson about the ego and the inner-critics. This is the story. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person, too." The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then he asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply smiled and replied, "The one you feed." I hope you found this video helpful, and you have some new tools to help you subdue your inner critical voice. I'm Shadé Zahrai, and I wish you all the best with redefining your relationship with your inner-critics. I'll see you next time.

Episode duration: 7:45