Are you a Slave of your Inner-Critics? | Meet your 5 Critics (Part 1 of 2)

1. 0:00 – 1:26

   Introduction

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      We all have that pesky voice that just won't shut up at 11:00 PM when you're desperately trying to fall asleep the night before that big presentation. In part one of this two-part series, I'm going to help you demystify something that happens in your mind that you're likely not even aware of. And more importantly, if you're not managing it, then I guarantee that it's holding you back from being all that you can be. Now, you might be thinking, "Well, this doesn't apply to me. I don't have an inner critic." But the reality is more likely that you've been listening to that voice for so long that you don't even notice it, just like you don't notice that you're breathing right now or the sensation of your feet on the ground. And so those voices become a part of your normal inner chatter. They're your inner critics. Notice that I say inner critics as a plural, because your inner critic doesn't always operate alone. In fact, in all these years and with my interviews with hundreds of professionals around the world, I've discovered that it's not just one voice. There are actually a number of inner critic archetypes lurking within us. So in this video, I'm going to introduce you to the five main critics I've identified based on an article I published with Forbes in August 2020. It's linked in the description. Being aware of your inner critics is only the first step towards freeing yourself from their influence. Now, before we get into the five critics, I want to define the inner critic so that we're all on the same page. It's a concept explored in psychotherapy literature that refers to a sub-personality that

2. 1:26 – 1:52

   What is the inner critic?

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:26

      many of us develop that judges us, demeans us, and shines a spotlight on all of our weaknesses. For me, the inner critic is part of the ego, our lower nature. Some theorize that the inner critic begins to develop from childhood as a survival mechanism. Let's take the example of guilt. A child experiencing guilt for not obeying her parents drives her to behave in a way that keeps her parents happy, because she needs them for her survival. The problem arises

3. 1:52 – 2:46

   Example of Guilt

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:52

      in adulthood when we still harbor that inner critic. Renowned addiction expert Dr. Gabor Maté says that the problem with guilt is that it's like a stupid friend that keeps telling you the same things as an adult, even if they don't serve you. Guilt doesn't know that you're no longer dependent on your parents, so it just keeps feeding you the same pattern of guilt, even though it's irrational. And depending on how loud your inner critics are at any given time, they can completely debilitate you from taking action, leading to social anxiety, fear of judgement, shame, guilt, and even depression. The key point to be aware of is that these inner critics do exist, and if you allow them, they'll end up holding you back. So here they are. See which of the five are lurking in your mind. First, we have the Classic Judge that judges you endlessly. It will say things like... "That was a stupid thing to say in that meeting. What were you thinking? See? I told you you weren't good enough to

4. 2:46 – 3:35

   ‘The Classic Judge’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:46

      get the promotion. You're too sensitive. That's why you can't maintain a long-term relationship. Just give up now." Nothing escapes it. It's constantly criticizing your every decision, blaming you for things that are outside of your control, and filling you with self-doubt. We know from research that the Classic Judge feeds your perfectionism, getting you to set impossibly high standards and then encouraging you to beat yourself up when you inevitably don't reach them. So let's say you presented a proposal to your team leader and it doesn't get the response that you'd hoped. The Classic Judge is the one that tells you... "You're pathetic. You failed. Next time, let someone else present." It makes you feel completely insecure. Then there's The Victim. It never fails to find all the bad things that have happened to you, even the ones that you may have been responsible for, and it blames it on everything and everyone else.

5. 3:35 – 4:44

   ‘The Victim’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:35

      It makes you feel powerless. It's intensely pessimistic, and it makes you completely lack motivation and have zero hope. You know those days when you sometimes can't be bothered getting out of bed and have no motivation to do anything? That's often because of The Victim telling you, "See? This always happens. What's the point of even trying?" It's the one that always reminds you, "Why is this happening to you? Every job you've had, the manager's always singled you out and picked on you. It's not fair. You're always attracting narcissists who take advantage of you for being so nice and end up cheating on you. Your life is so difficult. Your life sucks because you didn't grow up privileged." It makes you blame everyone else for all of your problems, even the ones you know you were responsible for, and makes you feel completely powerless and helpless. We know from psychology research that people with a strong victim mentality also feel entitled and can be very selfish, and that's why we see people complain about those who are wealthier and more successful than they are. The Victim drives your sense of envy. Next, The Protector. The Protector wants to protect you from harm. It doesn't want to see you fail, so it holds you back from taking action and taking risks, because if you don't try, you can't fail,

6. 4:44 – 5:27

   ‘The Protector’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:44

      and therefore you remain safe. It says... "There's way too much uncertainty in the market. You're not ready for that promotion, so don't apply. It's too risky to start that business. You'll end up losing your investment. You're going to get heartbroken again. Break it off now." It makes you focus on all the things that could go wrong, so you end up becoming highly risk-averse and fearful of failure. How does it do this? By undermining your confidence and your capabilities. It paralyzes you and keeps you stagnant by forcing you to stay in your familiar comfort zone. That way, you stay safe. Then, The RingMaster. It tells you that your value is based on how driven and productive you are. It constantly demands that you keep pushing to your limits and convinces you the moment you

7. 5:27 – 6:05

   ‘The RingMaster

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:27

      slow down, you're weak and a failure, even if you're risking your mental health and are on the verge of breakdown. It tells you... "You don't deserve to take a break. Keep pushing. If you don't put in those 75 hours a week, people will find out that you're a fraud and shouldn't even be in the role. If you don't work longer hours and harder than everyone else, you'll be the first to lose your job." We also know from research that it fuels your imposter syndrome by endlessly reminding you that you're an imposter and don't deserve the success you've achieved. And lastly, The Neglector, also known as the martyr, or as my husband says, the doormat It tells you that you're not important. Everyone else's needs are more important than yours. It reminds

8. 6:05 – 7:25

   ‘The Neglector’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:05

      you that

   2. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:06

      You're not worthy. You're not enough. You're never enough. If you don't keep your in-laws happy, then you're not a good enough wife. I know you're busy, but your coworker really needs the support with that report right now, so you've gotta stay over the weekend to help them, and you better say yes, otherwise it'll come across as selfish.

   3. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:21

      It makes you fear social rejection and makes you dependent on approval from others, whether your partner, your friends, your manager, or bosses. It makes you obsess about what other people think about you, so you become a compulsive people pleaser who wants everyone to be happy with you. It makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries and puts you at risk of being undervalued, taken for granted, and worst, even being abused. You compromise your values and what's important to you and neglect yourself and what you need. Can you relate to any of these? Did you identify whether you have any of them lurking in your mind? If you do, you're not alone. 99% of my clients have at least three of the critics impacting them daily. Awareness is the first step. While there are other critics that have been identified through research, I've defined these five personas based on the most common patterns that I've observed in working with my own clients. The real tragedy is that if these voices are allowed to take over, what you end up unintentionally doing is that you subconsciously find ways to confirm the self-criticism. You confirm

9. 7:25 – 8:24

   The real tragedy

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai7:25

      what that inner critic is telling you and reinforce the distorted negative self-perception. It's Swann's concept of self-verification, where we prefer others to see us how we see ourselves, and it's also a form of classic confirmation bias, where we will search for and notice evidence that supports our beliefs about ourselves. So this is why you wanna start becoming aware of these voices. Which one is speaking to you? What are they saying? What are they trying to convince you of? This is the first step. Now that you know about the inner critics, what do you do next? Don't worry, I've got you covered. Look out for part two of this series, which I'll post soon, and I'll share five steps that we teach our clients to subdue these critical voices. I hope you found this video helpful in becoming more aware of your inner critics and how they're trying to derail you. I'm Shadé Zahrai, and I'll see you next time. [outro music]

Episode duration: 8:24