How Perfectionism Ruins your Career & Relationships | And 4 Ways to Overcome It

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Perfectionism’s hidden cost—and when it can help you

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:00

      If you consider yourself a perfectionist and set really high standards and then beat yourself up when you don't achieve them, you're going to want to listen to this. In this episode, I'm going to explore the theme of perfectionism, specifically looking at how perfectionism can get in the way of you being your best self and living life authentically, and why perfectionism isn't always bad. It can actually be an amazing quality that helps you achieve your goals. So stick around to find out how. Hi, I'm Shadé Zahrai, and I help professionals to hack their careers, overcome their

2. 0:30 – 1:00

   The core of perfectionism: an attempt to control the uncontrollable

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai0:30

      limiting beliefs, and confidently create the extraordinary life they deserve. So what do you think perfectionism is all about? As I've been looking at the research, I've come to understand that there seems to be a misconception about what perfectionism really is. In its truest sense, it's not just about having really high standards, which is what a lot of people think it is. It's actually about one thing in particular. Can you guess what that is? It's about control, trying to have an impossible, irrational level of control over a world that, as

3. 1:00 – 1:30

   Maladaptive perfectionism: high standards, harsh self-evaluation, and self-criticism

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:00

      we know, is largely uncontrollable. Perfectionism is described as largely maladaptive, meaning not healthy, and it's defined as having exceedingly high personal standards of performance and then, as you expect, beating yourself up when you inevitably don't achieve them. It's a tendency to be extremely self-critical in how you evaluate yourself. Now, if you're a perfectionist, it's not just your work and your goals that are impacted. It also affects your relationships. You might hold others to the same standards that you hold for yourself and then

4. 1:30 – 2:00

   How perfectionism spills into relationships and intimacy

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai1:30

      lack compassion or flexibility when they don't meet them. And because of this, you have a hard time trusting people, and you struggle to delegate or cooperate. We also know from research that perfectionists often anticipate that they'll ultimately be rejected in romantic relationships, so you might be sabotaging your intimate relationships, too. Now, I know some of you might be thinking, "But I identify as being a perfectionist, yet don't really relate to anything Shadé just shared." And that's because perfectionism isn't always bad. More recent research from 2020 has

5. 2:00 – 2:32

   Two forms of perfectionism: maladaptive vs. adaptive (healthy)

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:00

      found that there is actually a second form of perfectionism, which is described as adaptive perfectionism, first discovered in the research in around 1978. It's where you gain satisfaction from achieving your goals when you've applied effort or skill. Importantly, you're aware of your imperfections and that you're not perfect without being harshly self-critical. This is what differentiates that healthy, adaptive type of perfectionism from the neurotic, maladaptive type, which is psychologically damaging. So ... [beep] So

6. 2:32 – 3:02

   Reframing adaptive perfectionism as ‘excellence’

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai2:32

      that's the main difference. If you're a healthy perfectionist, you still hold yourself to high standards, but you don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve them. Instead, you focus on growth. And for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to call this kind of adaptive perfectionism excellence. It's striving for excellence. And if you practice this virtue or this spiritual quality of excellence, you're actually more likely to achieve your goals and have positive life outcomes. So then how can you make sure that you're striving for excellence rather than getting stuck

7. 3:02 – 4:03

   Strategy 1: Evaluate your intent—improvement vs. impossible perfection

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai3:02

      in a maladaptive, neurotic, perfectionistic downward spiral? Well, I've got four simple strategies for you. First, evaluate your intent. When you're striving for excellence, there's a drive for continual improvement, being better than you were yesterday, rather than trying to achieve perfection, which is impossible. There's always room for improvement. If you're experiencing maladaptive perfectionism, you're setting yourself up for failure because you know you'll never reach it. So no matter how well you perform and how good the outcome, you'll always be focused on how you fell short, which comes with self-criticism. When I used to compete in national Latin dance championships, I observed other competitors firsthand being obsessed with getting those perfect scores, and I could see the emotional and mental toll it had on them. Perfectionism became their goal rather than just enjoying the creative process, and they robbed themselves of the joy. We often see this very publicly in elite athletes who started their careers because of passion, but the pressure to achieve and be the best became so strong that they burn

8. 4:03 – 5:04

   Strategy 2: Reality-check and reevaluate your standards at work and life

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai4:03

      out, and their performance suffers. And high performers at work can also experience this. So evaluate why you're doing what you're doing and remind yourself of how far you've come. Second, reevaluate your standards. Give yourself a reality check. If your perfectionism is primarily at work, look at or ask what other employees and your coworkers do. How long do they take to complete a project? How often are they staying late at work? Are there more realistic standards getting them fired? The answer will be no. Do they still deliver good work? How are they viewed by management? What you'll find is that as an unhealthy perfectionist, you'll also think about the worst-case scenario and catastrophize. For example, "If I don't deliver a perfect presentation, I'm going to get fired." So this strategy is all around keeping your expectations in check. Ask yourself, "Do my beliefs help me to achieve my goals? Are they serving me, or do they get in the way by making me overly disappointed and angry when my standards aren't met and then self-critical?" Here's where you need to challenge your thoughts to see why you're getting so bothered.

9. 5:04 – 5:34

   Reset your standards and commit: aim for 70–80%, not 100%

   1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:04

      This is because most of our problems with the world are caused by irrational thoughts that we have. So you want to come back to yourself with a more realistic appraisal of what's actually happening. Once you've reevaluated your standards, you then want to reset your standards and commit. Instead of aiming for 100%, change your standards to 70 or 80%. A client of mine shared that she was a perfectionist and was looking for a hotel for a weekend getaway, but she couldn't find the perfect hotel. She spent months looking for something that ticked all of her boxes and then even more and found nothing. I

10. 5:34 – 6:04

    Maximizers vs. satisficers: why chasing ‘the best’ breeds regret

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai5:34

       told her to write out her criteria and then look to meet 80% of them. Then when she found a hotel that met 80%, stop looking, and there's a good reason for this. If you're a maladaptive perfectionist, you're most likely a maximizer. You want to make a choice that will give you the maximum benefit later on. But the thing is, you then end up obsessing over decisions and then fret about whatever choice you made later. You constantly have regret. So this is distinct to satisficers, whose choices are determined by more modest criteria and nothing more. Now,

11. 6:04 – 7:05

    Strategy 4: Train comfort with imperfection through exposure

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai6:04

       a paper based on two studies from Florida State found that because maximizers focus on getting the best option, it ultimately undermines their commitment to their final choices. They always think, "What if I picked something else? I should have gone for a different option." So instead, change your criteria, and importantly, when you make a decision, commit. Don't think about other options. Don't keep looking. Just commit and move on. And the final strategy is to actually expose yourself to imperfection. We know from psychology and neuroscience research that after you repeatedly experience a situation that you fear, you gradually learn that nothing bad is going to happen, and eventually, you come to see the situation as non-threatening and safe. You become desensitized to it. So based on this principle, you actually want to take action in the face of imperfection. Take a walk without a map. Say yes to something before you feel 100% ready. Hit send on that email without reading it 27 times. You want to become comfortable with not knowing about what the outcome might be and acknowledging that you don't always have to have the answers,

12. 7:05 – 7:48

    Closing: Shift from maladaptive perfectionism to excellence

    1. SZDr. Shadé Zahrai7:05

       and that's okay. Don't qualify it. Don't make excuses or rationalizations. Acknowledge and accept your fallibility, your humanness. By taking small intentional action, you'll start to see that you actually are more ready than you think you are, and you'll realize that the world didn't implode as a result of your imperfection. I hope you found value in this episode and you've learned a new thing or two about perfectionism and how it's not always bad. But you need to take action to shift your maladaptive perfectionism to instead strive for excellence. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Shadé Zahrai, and I'll see you next time. [outro music]

Episode duration: 7:48