EVERY SPOKEN WORD
5 min read · 1,477 words- 0:00 – 1:00
A newbie’s dilemma: rebuilding rapport and reputation in a new workplace
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
With people shifting roles and changing careers more often than ever, I thought that you'll find this question from Serena about being a newbie relevant. She asked, "I've just started a new role at a new company, and I'm struggling to connect with people in the office. I used to be really well-known in my previous role, but I feel like I have to make a huge effort to create my reputation all over again here. What can I do to be more likable, and quickly?" Now, I wanted to dive into this because likability at work, coupled of course with competence, plays a major role on your personal brand and opens more opportunities for faster career advancement. So I'm gonna take you through my top three unconventional practices to apply to help you integrate faster as a newbie and create a really positive brand if you've been at your company for a while. These practices come from my decade experience in law, banking, coaching high-performers, and of course learned principles. And yes, they're practices because they require practice to become habits. But before we get into the nitty-gritty, I wanna make a couple of things clear upfront. Likability is a completely intangible
- 1:00 – 2:01
What “likability” is—and isn’t: subjective, culture-dependent, and not people-pleasing
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
quality, and it's highly subjective, which means it really depends on the eye of the beholder, their values, beliefs, and their prejudices. It also depends on a group's culture. An honest, truthful, and competent person won't be very likable in a corrupt workplace, no matter how friendly that person is. In fact, that person will probably be perceived as a threat. And the second point is, I want to define likability in the context of this video. When I talk about likability, I don't mean being overly accommodating, compromising your values just to appease others, and becoming a people-pleaser. I'm not encouraging you to forego assertiveness just to be likable. I'm talking here about authentic likability, moderated by a healthy dose of competence. You have to actually be able to do your job. Hi, I'm Shadé Zarriah, and I help professionals to hack their careers, overcome their limiting beliefs, and confidently create the extraordinary life they deserve. Okay, so let's dive into the three practices to boost your likability at work, because this influences how people feel when they're around you.
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Practice #1: Train yourself to seek the good in people (and why it’s hard)
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
Now, one important caveat is that these only work as long as you're authentic. People can sense this. So first, only seek out the good in people. Now, this one might seem a little strange to have right up the top, but it's absolutely key to actually living a fulfilling life. At work, a lot of people have a tendency to notice and focus on people's negative qualities: how Maria reacts under stress, how Harry is rude when you ask him to do extra work, or how Julie made a fool of herself during her presentation. For some reason, people love the drama, and it's because negative events have a greater impact on our brain than positive ones. Psychologists refer to this as the negativity bias. So to combat this, actively focus on people's positive qualities, their virtues, their strengths, the behaviors and attributes they have that are positive. Now, it's easy to say and challenging to practice, so here's a way to help you reframe. When you look up at the stars, do you focus on the darkness that surrounds them? Just as you wouldn't say, "Here's a glass of half emptiness," bad qualities can
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How positivity toward others shapes your brand: spontaneous trait transference
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
instead be seen as underdeveloped qualities. A person with a tendency to act with greed hasn't yet developed their capacity for generosity, selflessness, and sharing. When you make a conscious effort to seek out and focus on the positive qualities in others, it starts to show in the way that you respond to them and how you acknowledge their behavior. And because of something called spontaneous trait transference, what you say about others influences your own personal brand. When you're sharing positive things about your coworker's actions, a listener is also more likely to attribute those positive characteristics to you. Now, of course, this knowledge is never meant to be used deliberately or to manipulate others. Most people have a very good sense for inauthenticity. But the simple truth is that the number one thing that most people want at work over financial reward is to be valued. In other words, people want to feel significant, to be accepted, and, without wanting to sound cheesy, to feel loved. And you just can't love people when you look at their faults. It's impossible. So train
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Practice #2: Rise above toxicity—respond to gossip with specificity and fairness
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
yourself to seek the good qualities, and you'll naturally make others feel good around you. The second practice is to rise above the toxicity. When a coworker gossips or talks about someone else negatively behind their back or during a meeting, call it office politics or just plain backbiting, it can be really easy to be dragged in by peer pressure or the need to fit in, especially if they're people that you want to impress, like senior colleagues, your boss, or other senior leaders. These can be tricky waters to navigate, because on the one hand,
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A practical script for handling negative talk (without escalating office politics)
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
you're involved in the toxicity and gossip by simply being a listener. Instead of just being passive, you should always speak about the positive qualities in the person and be as specific as possible. So this actually links back to practice number one. So let's say a colleague says, "Did you hear how Mel handled that customer complaint? She was so snappy and rude." You wanna come back and instead of just passively accepting what's been shared, you could say something like, "My interactions with Mel have always been very positive. She's always been thoughtful and polite when I've worked with
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Exit the gossip loop: why proximity to backbiting can damage you too
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
her. I wonder if she's struggling under all the pressure. Maybe we should check in with her." This puts you in a completely different light in everyone's eyes, and you're forming a very positive personal brand. Even if Mel never hears that you backed her up, the other people in the room will notice and will remember, and it also makes you more respectable and ultimately more likable. I also highly recommend that you tactfully remove yourself from any conversations involving backbiting and gossip, because they are toxic and can harm you just by being in earshot. Gossip and backbiting can unjustly
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Practice #3: Don’t bond through unhappiness—avoid “venting contests”
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
destroy a person's reputation, just like how it's impossible to collect all the feathers of a pillow once they've been scattered by the wind. Choosing to be a respectable person that doesn't engage in talking behind people's backs and genuinely promotes unity without virtue signaling makes you more trustworthy, and therefore, more likable. And the third practice that happens to also boost likability is more of a what not to do. Don't bond through unhappiness with people. Have you ever noticed how people would bond by sharing about how bad their day was, and then the person they're sharing with would reply with, "Oh, you think that's bad? Let me tell you about my day." This is a form of unhappiness bonding. And while it can be tempting to bond with others through venting and by also sharing your unhappiness, it won't lead to positive feelings, and it won't lead to being liked. When we keep talking about things, they become more magnified than they really are, and we collectively contribute to reinforcing the negative experiences. If it's raining, don't go around sharing how your weekend plans are ruined because of the weather. Don't burden
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Replace complaint energy with resilient positivity people want to be around
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
other people with how stressful your day was or how unhappy you are with the outcome of a meeting. You want to demonstrate that you have a positive and resilient approach to work and life, and that you choose to have a positive bias. People will notice and be attracted to the positivity. I've always been this way, and it's been remarkable how I've been able to form a very solid personal brand in the corporate world around this. My consistent positivity and energy is who I choose to be authentically, and I consciously brought that to work each and every day. People did notice. So
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Wrap-up: Likability is a byproduct—‘be a good human’
- SZDr. Shadé Zahrai
there you have it. The practices to being more likable have nothing to do with deliberately trying to be likable. It's all about consciously maintaining a positive attitude, seeking the good in others, avoiding gossip and backbiting, and just plain showing up ready to do good work and encouraging others to do the same. Or to summarize in just four words: be a good human. Likability is just the byproduct. I really hope these practices serve you as well as they have served me and my clients, and not only help you boost your likability at work, but make others around you happier. I'm Shadé Zarriah. I'll see you next time. [upbeat music]
Episode duration: 7:50
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