If I Ruled The World: Careful What You Think | What Now? with Trevor Noah Podcast

1. 0:00 – 0:59

   Apple Card sponsored segment

   1. CHChristiana0:01

      [upbeat music] I just, 'cause I do wanna vote yes for one of your ideas, Trevor-

   2. TNTrevor Noah0:07

      [laughs]

   3. CHChristiana0:07

      ... 'cause I don't think I ever have.

   4. TNTrevor Noah0:08

      [laughs]

   5. CHChristiana0:09

      Right? So I really, I do, I really do, like, I don't wanna... I, 'cause, you know, people hit me up, they're like, "Stop bullying Trevor."

   6. TNTrevor Noah0:16

      [laughs]

   7. CHChristiana0:16

      And I'm like, "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not bullying him. He just, like, he says crazy stuff." Like, so, as my friend and my brother, I wanna support you and your ideas. [upbeat music]

   8. TNTrevor Noah0:30

      This is What Now? With Trevor Noah. [upbeat music] You ready to rule the world?

   9. JOJosh0:44

      Yeah.

   10. CHChristiana0:44

       Of course. Always am.

   11. JOJosh0:46

       Living.

   12. TNTrevor Noah0:47

       Welcome to my favorite game, If I Ruled The World. As I tell both of you, and anyone who'll listen, my dream is to be a dictator-

   13. JOJosh0:54

       Okay

   14. TNTrevor Noah0:54

       ... of a very small nation.

   15. JOJosh0:55

       Mm-hmm.

   16. CHChristiana0:56

       Mm-hmm.

   17. TNTrevor Noah0:56

       Of a group of people who

2. 0:59 – 1:38

   Cold Opening

   1. TNTrevor Noah1:00

      not wanted me to be a dictator, but they were like, "Yeah, this sounds like a cool idea." So I didn't, like, take power from them. We, it just was the way it was.

   2. JOJosh1:07

      Mm-hmm.

   3. CHChristiana1:07

      Okay.

   4. TNTrevor Noah1:08

      And yeah, I always think of what I would do to make my world perfect, and that's why I play this game.

   5. JOJosh1:13

      Mm-hmm.

   6. TNTrevor Noah1:14

      I feel like Josh has come in, 'cause last time you, you weren't happy with how we ran If I Ruled The World.

   7. CHChristiana1:19

      [laughs] He felt a bit-

   8. TNTrevor Noah1:20

      I f-

   9. CHChristiana1:20

      ... ganged up on, or-

   10. TNTrevor Noah1:21

       Yeah

   11. CHChristiana1:22

       ... what was it?

   12. JOJosh1:22

       Uh, no, no. You know, I think I was more like, I always come to If I Ruled The World like I rule the world, like this should work. So then when y'all hit me with things I didn't think about-

   13. TNTrevor Noah1:32

       [laughs]

   14. CHChristiana1:32

       [laughs]

   15. JOJosh1:33

       ... I feel like I'm not really ruling the world. [laughs]

   16. TNTrevor Noah1:35

       [laughs]

   17. JOJosh1:35

       I feel like, I feel like my plans

3. 1:38 – 3:00

   Rules of “If I Ruled The World”

   1. JOJosh1:38

      are falling apart.

   2. TNTrevor Noah1:39

      [laughs]

   3. JOJosh1:39

      So I get a little vindictive, 'cause I'm like, I, I, you asked me what I'd do if I ruled the world. You didn't tell me to plug up all the holes in my logic.

   4. CHChristiana1:47

      [laughs]

   5. TNTrevor Noah1:48

      But remember, you have to vote.

   6. JOJosh1:49

      Mm.

   7. TNTrevor Noah1:49

      That's the game.

   8. JOJosh1:50

      Yeah.

   9. TNTrevor Noah1:51

      If I Ruled The World.

   10. JOJosh1:52

       Mm-hmm.

   11. TNTrevor Noah1:53

       Each of us takes the role of magnanimous dictator/world re- leader/king/God person.

   12. JOJosh2:00

       Mm-hmm.

   13. TNTrevor Noah2:01

       We change the world in any way that we want. However, you have to win the votes of the other two people. Uh, we also ask everyone who listens to the show if they wanna submit ideas.

   14. JOJosh2:11

       Mm-hmm.

   15. TNTrevor Noah2:11

       And then we vote on them. So let's go through some of the suggestions. Now, I haven't seen any of these, so I don't know.

   16. JOJosh2:15

       Okay.

   17. TNTrevor Noah2:16

       All right. Let's see. If I Ruled The World, listener suggestions, here we go. This is from Rebecca. Rebecca says, "If I ruled the world, I would make it mandatory for world leaders to spend an hour creating art, and it can be anything, drawing, painting, ceramics, glassblowing, before they make any critical decisions on important matters, such as military action, immigration, environmental policies, et cetera."

   18. CHChristiana2:37

       Absolutely not.

   19. TNTrevor Noah2:38

       No?

   20. CHChristiana2:38

       Just what George W. Bush is doing now is making art.

   21. JOJosh2:41

       [laughs]

   22. CHChristiana2:42

       That means some really dark stuff-

   23. JOJosh2:43

       [laughs]

   24. CHChristiana2:44

       ... is going down if you have to make art.

   25. JOJosh2:47

       But I feel like he doing it in reverse. He already killed all the people.

   26. TNTrevor Noah2:50

       [laughs]

   27. JOJosh2:50

       And now, and now he doing the thing.

   28. CHChristiana2:53

       Okay.

   29. JOJosh2:53

       Like-

   30. CHChristiana2:53

       That's true. That's true
4. 3:00 – 10:40

   Reviewing listener suggestions

   1. JOJosh3:00

      in the world is, like, doing an art that you don't do, and then try to look like an expert in the same day.

   2. TNTrevor Noah3:06

      Oh, damn.

   3. JOJosh3:07

      You know what I mean?

   4. CHChristiana3:08

      Okay.

   5. JOJosh3:08

      Like, if you're like, "Hey, y'all, we have to invade," but then the people just saw you, and they were like, "Bitch, you can't draw."

   6. TNTrevor Noah3:14

      [laughs]

   7. JOJosh3:15

      "How you gonna let us get killed, and you can't draw?" You know what I mean? Like, you have this, this like-

   8. TNTrevor Noah3:19

      So the failure.

   9. JOJosh3:20

      Yeah.

   10. TNTrevor Noah3:20

       Okay, I like this. It closes. So yours is a?

   11. JOJosh3:22

       Uh, I am a yes for this.

   12. TNTrevor Noah3:24

       Christiana?

   13. CHChristiana3:25

       Um, no. I, I'm-

   14. TNTrevor Noah3:27

       You're a no.

   15. CHChristiana3:28

       Yeah. Well, I'm playing, you know.

   16. TNTrevor Noah3:29

       I, I like it, but I'm a no, and I was a yes until Josh said his.

   17. JOJosh3:33

       [laughs]

   18. CHChristiana3:34

       [laughs]

   19. TNTrevor Noah3:34

       I'll tell you why, Rebecca, no, because now I actually agree with Josh.

   20. JOJosh3:37

       [laughs]

   21. TNTrevor Noah3:37

       But, like, I think men are, w- we have, like, the, the most sensitive egos.

   22. CHChristiana3:42

       Oh, yeah.

   23. TNTrevor Noah3:42

       So if you, like, fail at the pottery, you might invade a country to show how good you actually are.

   24. JOJosh3:47

       Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

   25. CHChristiana3:48

       Mm.

   26. TNTrevor Noah3:48

       So I agree with you, Josh, actually.

   27. JOJosh3:49

       Yeah.

   28. TNTrevor Noah3:49

       But I think the other, so it's a no for me.

   29. CHChristiana3:51

       Yeah.

   30. TNTrevor Noah3:51

       Sorry, Rebecca.
5. 10:40 – 20:10

   Christiana wants mandatory reality TV for all

   1. CHChristiana10:40

      you see couples going through nursing somebody who's ill, or then you see somebody that, like, just killed their wife, or, and they, like, different races, different classes, socioeconomic groups. It's like a very good picture into the country you live in.

   2. TNTrevor Noah10:54

      Huh.

   3. CHChristiana10:54

      In a way that often people are very siloed in their, like, media consumption, whether, you know, Fox News-

   4. TNTrevor Noah11:00

      Yeah, yeah, yeah

   5. CHChristiana11:00

      ... is one thing and M- MSNBC's another thing. You can watch The Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, Beverly Hills. You don't know who is a Republican. You don't... I fell in love with a woman, and I, turns out she's a big Trumper, but now I'm in love with her, so it's like-

   6. TNTrevor Noah11:14

      [laughs]

   7. CHChristiana11:14

      ... there's no going back. And it helps you see the humanity in people that you would otherwise not see, and get to know people that you probably don't come across in real life. It could be like you're watching a show about the Duggar family, that it's not on air anymore, and you're like, "Oh, I'm learning about, like, evangelical Christians who have-

   8. TNTrevor Noah11:29

      Hmm

   9. CHChristiana11:29

      ... all of these children." Or The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is set in Mormon Utah.

   10. TNTrevor Noah11:35

       But wait, wait, wait, but people can choose the reality show.

   11. CHChristiana11:38

       Um-

   12. TNTrevor Noah11:38

       So what if everyone's just choosing a show that teaches them nothing?

   13. CHChristiana11:40

       No, I, you'd be randomly assigned the show.

   14. TNTrevor Noah11:41

       Okay, so you don't know which show you're gonna get.

   15. CHChristiana11:43

       You don't know which show it is.

   16. TNTrevor Noah11:43

       And you have to watch it.

   17. CHChristiana11:44

       Yeah, you have to do it. It's like your serving-

   18. TNTrevor Noah11:46

       You have to be engaged. You can't be on your phone. You, like, you're like-

   19. CHChristiana11:48

       I mean, you can be on your phone. I think a great thing about the reality show experience is that a lot of people tweet, live tweet when they're watching it-

   20. TNTrevor Noah11:54

       Yeah

   21. CHChristiana11:54

       ... and they're covering it on Instagram and stuff.

   22. TNTrevor Noah11:56

       Okay.

   23. CHChristiana11:56

       So if you wanna connect with other viewers via social media, that's great.

   24. TNTrevor Noah11:59

       And you wouldn't just make people watch a documentary once a week?

   25. CHChristiana12:02

       No way, 'cause documentaries are so boring. You got all those talking heads.

   26. TNTrevor Noah12:06

       [laughs]

   27. CHChristiana12:07

       They'd be like, "Oh my God," and there's statistics.

   28. TNTrevor Noah12:10

       [laughs]

   29. CHChristiana12:10

       I hate documentaries.

   30. TNTrevor Noah12:12

       [laughs]
6. 20:10 – 35:28

   Josh proposes a pain-based rule for willful ignorance

   1. TNTrevor Noah20:10

      Okay.

   2. JOJosh20:10

      So if you, just by saying and knowing it's wrong, put a fork in the socket, it's essentially Pinocchio but with pain. You know, you know that you're being willfully ignorant.

   3. TNTrevor Noah20:20

      Huh.

   4. JOJosh20:21

      You know that you're lying. You know that-

   5. CHChristiana20:23

      Mm-hmm

   6. JOJosh20:23

      ... and so I wouldn't put my hand on the lever. I wouldn't be controlling how much or-

   7. TNTrevor Noah20:27

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   8. CHChristiana20:27

      Yeah.

   9. JOJosh20:27

      But you would have to have some actual barrier, because it costs people nothing to spread misinformation and it costs people nothing to, like, lead people for the sake of manipulation in a way that is, like, willfully dumb. Do you know what I mean? I don't mean people who don't know things yet. So if you-

   10. TNTrevor Noah20:44

       That's... Okay, this is the, this is the clarification-

   11. CHChristiana20:46

       Yeah

   12. TNTrevor Noah20:46

       ... I think I'm getting. So you're not saying people who, quote-unquote, "are stupid."

   13. JOJosh20:50

       Mm-mm.

   14. TNTrevor Noah20:51

       You're not saying that. You don't mean somebody whose aptitude may not be at the level that-

   15. JOJosh20:54

       No

   16. TNTrevor Noah20:54

       ... No, this is not what you're saying.

   17. JOJosh20:55

       Not what I'm saying.

   18. TNTrevor Noah20:55

       You're saying if somebody does or says something that they know is stupid-

   19. JOJosh21:00

       Yeah

   20. TNTrevor Noah21:00

       ... and they're just doing it to either act the fool or-

   21. JOJosh21:03

       Yeah, or because-

   22. TNTrevor Noah21:04

       ... drive people in the wrong direction or-

   23. JOJosh21:06

       Yeah. But you know now.

   24. CHChristiana21:07

       Can you, can you give me, like, more concrete examples?

   25. JOJosh21:10

       Uh, Alex Jones would be in constant pain.

   26. TNTrevor Noah21:12

       [laughs]

   27. CHChristiana21:14

       [laughs]

   28. JOJosh21:15

       That's, that's what I mean. Someone who, like, like for every-

   29. TNTrevor Noah21:18

       Oh, man

   30. JOJosh21:18

       ... 'cause what Alex Jones does that's particularly insidious is that he, he plays on things where whenever it's the right time and he's on the right podcast, he's an entertainer, and he's somebody who's just like-
7. 35:28 – 38:08

   Amazon Self-care toolkit segment on sick day routines

   1. TNTrevor Noah35:28

      Oh, it's gotta be music, you know? Music soft and low-key, lo-fi beats, acoustic soul, maybe a little Norah Jones, you know, if you're really leaning in. It's less about listening and more about setting the tone, the background sound for your inner drama. Uh, maybe reading. No, that was a fake. I'm not gonna read. Forget it. I always think I'll catch up on a book, but let's be honest. I stare at the ceiling or scroll through my phone at, like, 5% brightness like I'm decoding ancient texts. I'm not reading a book when I'm sick. It feels like somebody's squeezing my nose into my head. You want me to concentrate on words written on a page? I'm more focused on food. Yes, food. That's the one part I take seriously. It has to be hot and comforting. Ramen or grilled cheese with tomato soup. They say the two come together to cure any ailment. Something simple that wraps you up from the inside, you know? And honestly, the best part is that one friend who always checks in. You know who that friend is, or maybe you are that friend. The, "Hey, I heard your voice in that meeting. You sounded like a dying person. Are you okay?" I don't know. That friend who's like, "Hey, I've noticed you weren't in the group chat laughing at all the memes. Are you still alive?" Yeah. Just that little person, that little voice note or text that slips in to let you know that you matter. I feel like that's part of the medicine. Sick days are weirdly sacred. They're like a reset button wrapped in a hoodie. And when you get the routine just right, even being sick feels kind of bearable. Well, we hope we gave you some ideas for your self-care routine. Today's Self-care Toolkit segment was brought to you by Amazon. Thanks to Amazon, healthcare just got less painful. All right, so Christiana has her two votes. Josh only got one. Mm-hmm. Let's see if I can get anything out of this one. So, if I ruled the world, I would make it so that every thought people are having during sex- Mm-hmm ... or intimacy- Mm-hmm ... comes out of them verbally, whether they like it or not.

   2. CHChristiana37:41

      This is insane.

   3. TNTrevor Noah37:42

      Man, this man trying to get a no.

   4. CHChristiana37:43

      What the-

   5. TNTrevor Noah37:44

      Let me finish. All right. All right. Let me finish. Yep, yep, yep. You will be making out with somebody. Mm-hmm. And, like, in my world, it, it, like, comes out of every... Don't worry. Don't worry about, like, "Oh, but I'm kissing them." No. It'll, it might come out, it might play out of your ears. This is the world I'm creating. Yeah. Think of it as, like, having a little speaker on you.

   6. CHChristiana38:01

      Mm.

   7. TNTrevor Noah38:01

      Not visible, but you're making out with somebody. Yeah. And whatever you're thinking- Mm-hmm ... comes out of you.

   8. CHChristiana38:06

      Me, "Oh, I need to do the washing.

8. 38:08 – 49:14

   Trevor presents a rule about revealing intimate thoughts

   1. CHChristiana38:08

      Oh, I need to do-"

   2. TNTrevor Noah38:08

      That's fine.

   3. CHChristiana38:09

      No.

   4. TNTrevor Noah38:09

      Whatever it is- Okay ... comes out of you. Mm-hmm. And if you're having sex with somebody- Mm ... whatever you're thinking, whatever they're thinking, it comes out of them, and the other person is able to hear it while this is happening.

   5. CHChristiana38:21

      Okay.

   6. TNTrevor Noah38:21

      This is the whole idea? This is the complete idea, Josh. Okay. Oh, cool, cool. Now, I, I will tell you why. Yeah.

   7. CHChristiana38:27

      Okay.

   8. TNTrevor Noah38:28

      Okay. I'll tell you why. So, the reason I think this would be a great idea is for a few reasons. One, because we live in a world where nobody teaches us about sex. Mm-hmm.

   9. CHChristiana38:41

      Mm-hmm.

   10. TNTrevor Noah38:41

       Nobody. Mm-hmm. We go to school. We learn about different types of clouds. I know about cumulonimbus. I know about stratus. I know about different types of rivers: perennial, non-perennial. Nobody taught me about sex at school, like nothing. They taught you about, like, the, the genitalia.

   11. CHChristiana39:01

       Mm-hmm.

   12. TNTrevor Noah39:01

       That's not sex. Mm-hmm. They did not teach you about sex with another-

   13. CHChristiana39:05

       I mean, there's a reason you can't, like, demonstrate sex to children.

   14. TNTrevor Noah39:09

       But you're not taught about sex. And this is, this is the thing that I-

   15. CHChristiana39:13

       But, but the best way to learn about sex is sometimes experiential.

   16. TNTrevor Noah39:16

       No, no, no, no, no. I think there's ways you can learn about a thing without doing it. So here's the thing I think of sometimes. We'll make these arguments, but then, like, go watch a cartoon. They show things, like, p... There's cartoons where they're shooting each other's heads off and getting blown up-

   17. CHChristiana39:28

       Mm

   18. TNTrevor Noah39:28

       ... and all kinds of things. You know how many times Bugs Bunny blew off Elmer Fudd's head with a gun?

   19. CHChristiana39:32

       Yeah.

   20. TNTrevor Noah39:32

       But nobody said, "You can't show kids somebody shooting someone's head off."

   21. CHChristiana39:36

       I mean, someone probably should have said that.

   22. TNTrevor Noah39:38

       Yeah. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, like, we, we, we will say... I'm, I'm saying-

   23. CHChristiana39:42

       Okay

   24. TNTrevor Noah39:42

       ... sex is a good and natural part of life.

   25. CHChristiana39:44

       Okay.

   26. TNTrevor Noah39:44

       And I'm saying in our lives, no one teaches it to us. Mm. Now, I'm not saying, I'm not even saying when. You brought children in, by the way. Let the record show, I said nothing about children. [laughs] And then Christiana all of a sudden threw children at me as if now I was say... I just said we don't get taught about sex. Yeah, yeah. I'm saying even when we're 21-

   27. CHChristiana39:59

       Yeah

   28. TNTrevor Noah39:59

       ... there's no sex school. You know what I mean? When we're 18, there's no sex school. So this is the first part. Mm-hmm. No one teaches us about sex. Mm-hmm. Secondly, we have done a terrible job at working in and around consent.

   29. CHChristiana40:11

       Mm.

   30. TNTrevor Noah40:12

       Just, let's be honest, we've made, we've done a terrible job. Mm-hmm. The Me Too movement came and went, and what did we actually learn from it, right? Well, almost nothing. Half of the people are like, "Well, this is why I'm not gonna have a woman in my office."
9. 49:14 – 1:04:44

   Detailed debate on the implications of Trevor's rule proposal

   1. JOJosh49:14

      ... They will audibly hear, "Okay," so now they're like, "Oh."

   2. CHChristiana49:19

      [laughs]

   3. TNTrevor Noah49:21

      No, but then they would say in their brain, "Please don't kill me."

   4. JOJosh49:24

      Yeah.

   5. TNTrevor Noah49:24

      It's like they stop thinking. They would be like, "You gonna kill me?" And then your brain would go like, "No, I'm not gonna kill you 'cause that's like a real thought."

   6. JOJosh49:29

      No, no, we're playing. We're playing.

   7. TNTrevor Noah49:30

      No, we're just playing.

   8. JOJosh49:31

      But now, now you've distracted from the thing that they were enjoying, which was the, like, little rough-

   9. CHChristiana49:37

      Yeah

   10. JOJosh49:37

       ... choky thing.

   11. CHChristiana49:38

       Exa-

   12. JOJosh49:38

       Because now-

   13. CHChristiana49:39

       Okay

   14. JOJosh49:39

       ... you had to think around the thing you would have been-

   15. TNTrevor Noah49:41

       Okay. I, I can, I can take this.

   16. JOJosh49:42

       You know what I mean?

   17. TNTrevor Noah49:42

       I can take this.

   18. CHChristiana49:42

       I've got something as well.

   19. TNTrevor Noah49:43

       Okay.

   20. CHChristiana49:43

       'Cause, like, 'cause I'm married, I'm m- I'm just in, like, married and couple lands.

   21. TNTrevor Noah49:46

       Yes.

   22. CHChristiana49:47

       What does this mean for casual sex? 'Cause most sex really that people are having, like-

   23. TNTrevor Noah49:51

       Yes

   24. CHChristiana49:51

       ... whether you're with someone you swiped on Tinder or Grindr-

   25. TNTrevor Noah49:53

       Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah

   26. CHChristiana49:54

       ... it's a stranger.

   27. TNTrevor Noah49:55

       Right.

   28. CHChristiana49:55

       It could be someone you met at a club.

   29. TNTrevor Noah49:56

       Loving it.

   30. CHChristiana49:57

       What does it mean for casual sex?

Episode duration: 1:04:44