Navigating The Dating Market In 2020 | Amanda Kuda | Modern Wisdom Podcast 196
Amanda Kuda (guest), Chris Williamson (host), Narrator
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, featuring Amanda Kuda and Chris Williamson, Navigating The Dating Market In 2020 | Amanda Kuda | Modern Wisdom Podcast 196 explores sober, Intentional Dating: Rewiring Patterns In The Modern Market Chris Williamson and coach Amanda Kuda dissect how alcohol, unexamined patterns, and dating apps undermine modern relationships. They argue that drinking often masks low self-worth and poor emotional regulation, and that dating sober forces people to build real confidence and discernment. Amanda outlines practical frameworks: doing a written inventory of past partners, setting clear standards, using dating apps intentionally, and structuring early dates for genuine connection. The conversation emphasizes self-inquiry, shadow work, and the idea that you are the common denominator in your romantic outcomes.
Sober, Intentional Dating: Rewiring Patterns In The Modern Market
Chris Williamson and coach Amanda Kuda dissect how alcohol, unexamined patterns, and dating apps undermine modern relationships. They argue that drinking often masks low self-worth and poor emotional regulation, and that dating sober forces people to build real confidence and discernment. Amanda outlines practical frameworks: doing a written inventory of past partners, setting clear standards, using dating apps intentionally, and structuring early dates for genuine connection. The conversation emphasizes self-inquiry, shadow work, and the idea that you are the common denominator in your romantic outcomes.
Key Takeaways
Audit your dating history to uncover repeating patterns.
Write a ‘yes/no’ list for every significant past partner, identifying traits you loved and red flags you disliked. ...
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Date alcohol-free to build genuine confidence and clear discernment.
Using alcohol to feel confident, sexy, or relaxed signals that you don’t believe you can access those states on your own. ...
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Use dating apps intentionally, not as a boredom scroll.
Treat app time like a focused task: set a specific daily window to swipe and reply, and approach it with the mindset of “I’m looking for a partner,” not casual dopamine hits. ...
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Upgrade your profile with clear, recent, and honest photos.
Avoid heavy filters, group-only shots, or distant ‘action’ pictures; show your face clearly in most photos and include at least one full-body image. ...
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Initiate conversations with thoughtful, specific questions.
Opening with “hi,” a lazy GIF, or a like forces the other person to do all the work. ...
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Structure early dates for connection, not distraction.
Skip loud bars, movies, or events for the first few meetups; choose settings where you can actually hear and observe each other—like coffee, a patio, or a walk. ...
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Adopt the mindset that you are the prize and expect standards.
Assume attraction: recognize your unique experiences and value instead of approaching dates from lack or desperation. ...
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Notable Quotes
“What was the crazy in me that attracted that crazy five times?”
— Amanda Kuda
“You are the common denominator in all of your relationship failings.”
— Chris Williamson (paraphrasing Mark Manson’s idea)
“Anyone who drinks at a decent level has to believe that substance is either helping them achieve a desired outcome or avoid an undesirable one.”
— Amanda Kuda
“Mindless activity gets you mindless results.”
— Amanda Kuda
“You would much sooner be unhappy in a familiar way than risk being incredibly happy with something that’s new.”
— Chris Williamson
Questions Answered in This Episode
If I did a ruthless written inventory of my past partners, what patterns—both positive and negative—would actually emerge?
Chris Williamson and coach Amanda Kuda dissect how alcohol, unexamined patterns, and dating apps undermine modern relationships. ...
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In what specific situations am I using alcohol or other crutches to compensate for a lack of confidence or emotional regulation in dating?
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How would my dating life change if I intentionally treated apps like a serious search tool instead of background entertainment?
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Which aspects of my ‘type’ are genuine preferences, and which are just comfortable, familiar patterns that keep me stuck?
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Where might my upper limit or fear of state change be secretly sabotaging promising connections before they start?
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Transcript Preview
I want everyone to do a really solid inventory of everyone they've ever dated. It's so important and it's a step that many people don't do. I really literally need you to go through every single person you've had a significant relationship with, and I want you to write down the qualities they had that are a yes for you and the qualities they had that are a no for you. You can get a picture of, what are the red flags, the nos that keep coming up? When you see that pattern, then you have to do the really hard work of looking at yourself and saying, "Okay, what was the crazy in me that attracted that crazy five times?"
(wind blowing) I'm joined by Amanda Kuda. Amanda, welcome to the show.
Hey there. How's it going?
Very good to have you here. What are we saying about the combination of blue blocking glasses and mustache at the moment?
Um, the, they're great. It's good. I like the look. Definitely it's good.
That's how you-
What kind of blue blockers are this? (laughs)
That's how I want to start a podcast. I want to start a podcast with bare-faced lies-
Yeah.
... that are also compliments-
Yeah.
... at the same time.
Mm-hmm. It's a compliment, but I'm like, "How would I respond if I saw you in the real world and didn't know you?"
(laughs)
You're just some guy out on the street and I'm passing you and you have the whole, this look going on.
I think I look great.
Yeah.
Someone, someone said that it was a little bit of a Freddie Mercury sort of thing going on with the mustache-
Yes.
... and the glasses.
Uh-huh.
Uh, I thought a bit cooler than that. I thought like Oasis maybe, but it doesn't-
Yeah.
... you know, it doesn't matter. Uh, they're Raw Optics. So Matt Maruca, the guy from Raw Optics-
Okay. Yeah.
... will be on soon. CEO and creator of the Light Diet. So-
Yeah.
... um, in podcast land-
I love him. He's nice.
Yeah, in podcast land, that may have come out before this or after this, so, you know, just, it's like pick and mix. Listeners don't know-
Yeah.
... what they're gonna get. So, um, what are we gonna talk about today?
We are gonna talk about, you know, you've had a couple of episodes about dating in the modern world, but they were, they didn't have a lot of tips like, how do you actually become a modern dater? How do you actually do the thing? And I just wanna jam on what are some practical/maybe a little out there things that you could be doing that are going to give you a h- like, leg up in the market?
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