How To Have Better Arguments With Your Partner - The Freemans | Modern Wisdom Podcast 285

With any relationship, a son or daughter, could be a friend, family member, coworker, and then spouse, if there's something you notice in that relationship that you often get triggered by, what you wanna do is come to them and say, "Hey, you know what? I realize I often get triggered by-"

You saying-

"... you saying X. Now, I know I'm giving that meaning, but it would really help me if we could create an agreement that you wouldn't bring that up when (laughs) we have an argument."

We're talking about how to have better arguments today. What is the argument hangover?

Love that actually. You know, when, when we say that to anybody, they kinda get the sense.

What it feels like.

People have had argument, or they've had arguments, yes, they've had hangovers too, whether food or alcohol. So the argument hangover specifically would be that period of time between having a disagreement, we talk about a romantic partner, but honestly this could be with a friend, a family member, and then there's the things that you say and do, and then it's the period of time that you feel disconnected, you feel frustrated. You may feel guilty for the things that you said and what you did-

Mm-hmm.

... that has that relationship feel either stalled or just really disconnected.

Mm-hmm.

And that can last for a day, two days, weeks, months. It can actually lead to relationships ending.

Mm-hmm.

And that argument hangover finally ends when you get it resolved fully emotionally, which some people don't.

That's relationship sobriety then. (laughs)

(laughs) In a way, right. Well, it's in a way like, I mean, I know you'll ask some great questions about this, but what my pattern used to be was if things weren't going well in a relationship and conflicts were coming up, sure, we would try and I would do all the yelling and the name-calling and I let my emotions have it be a free-for-all, but then when it just got hard, I'd leave. And sometimes I think really the s- I think across the world that there's a big conversation about relationships should be mostly good. And we don't see a lot of portrayals, especially in media, of like what does healthy conflict look like and how to stay in a relationship even when things get challenging. So people unfortunately, like you said, will just leave the relationship.

Or how to leverage that conflict into an opportunity-

Mm-hmm.

... to grow and strengthen that understanding and that relationship.

One of the things I was talking about toward the end of last year is unremarkable depression.

Mm-hmm.

So a lot of the time when we see people hit rock bottom, it's a big deal and there's almost bizarrely a bit of glory attached to it. Perhaps that's the archetypes that we see in media. But you know, when someone has a full-blown breakdown, perhaps they get sectioned, perhaps they need to go onto some antipsychotics, but they know, like from that bottom position, there is nowhere else to go. Like, you have to get better. That is where you go. The concern that I had, this common malaise, this ambient anxiety that people have-