Women Are Turned Off By Passive Men - Dr Robert Glover

So, you say if you don't believe you and your needs are important, you won't be receptive to the good things the world wants to give you?

That's a good starting point.

Why do you think so many guys subjugate their needs?

Um, we've been taught to, and we inaccurately internalized, ironically, that that was the best way to get our needs met. I mean, think about it, if- if you're a- a small child, infant, and you don't have a lot of thinking, processing power, just survival power, and, uh, let's say you- you quickly come to the awareness that the caretakers in your life are not real competent. They don't respond timely, they don't respond cont- consistently. They don't respond with what you really need. And, um, so what you learn is, "Well, maybe if I get rid of my needs, or maybe if I become needless and wantless..." I mean, this isn't thought, it's just emotional survival reaction. "If I take care of their needs, if I make sure they're okay, then they'll be okay to make sure I'm okay." And all of this begins before we can even think about it. So, it gets wired into our nervous system, and we grow up to be children, adolescents, adults, and we just keep following the same thing that got wired in when... very inaccurately, when we were just a few months old.

Isn't it strange to think that we can rail against the world not giving us the things that we want, meanwhile, we don't make the things that we want a priority?

Well, th- that's- that's a big piece I've worked on, and I work, uh, you know, I work- I work with men, and, uh, that's a really big piece. I... You know, I used to do things like not tell anybody what my needs and wants were, or even hide them, or I'd still, at times, make it difficult for people to give to me. I've been told by many people in my life that I'm difficult to give to, uh, so I consciously work at that. Another piece with the men I work with that I call nice guys is, again, they believe they're bad for having needs, everybody else's needs are more important. And here- here again, the- kind of the distorted logic that a lot of us use, I've done this, a lot of guys do this, women do it too, is they'll go find a person whose life is a mess. You know, they- they can't pay their own bills, they can't hold a job, th- they- they fight with everybody they know, they're depressed, th- you know, whatever. And we think, "I can fix them up. I- I'll- I'll d- I'll dedicate all my resources to getting them good, and once they're good, they'll get- th- they'll be there for me."

Mm-hmm.

"They'll help me get my needs met." But that's just ter- terrible (laughs) terrible strategy. If you wanna get your needs met, go find people who are already competent at getting their own z- needs met, and who are available to help give to you. But again, most of this stuff is so unconscious w- we're not thinking about it, we just keep doing the same thing hoping that at some point, it will work. And then again, often when people then do try to give to us, "No, no, that's okay. It's all right."