Non-Monogamy, Exclusivity Agreements & Regulating Sexual Jealousy - Justin Mogiliski

Just how popular is consensual non-monogamy getting at the moment?

Well, it's much... I think in some ways it's much more popular than it was before. If you look at some of the stats that exist, looking at, um, large national samples, uh, we have the best data for the United States. It's something about one in five people are at least going to try it, and then those who stick with it, something like 5 to 10%. So it's, um, it's getting up there.

What do you attribute this surgence or resurgence of a different monogamy strategy to?

Well, I think... Uh, I mean, I think there are a lot of factors. One thing is, I think that, of course, within the past several hundred years, we've been developing more of... You know, individualistic societies, of course, have taken foot, people have more equal opportunities. And I think for a very long time, marriage was a system for, uh, you know, unifying families for... And marrying men to w- to women, and women may not have had many other options. Um, and so now that I think people have more options, uh, they can perhaps pursue something that's a little more, um... That may match their current motives in life. And so to the degree that people are putting off family, marriage, et cetera, to pursue, um, you know, individual pursuits, furthering your career, whatever it happens to be, I think that those motivations are more present than they've ever been, and so people may want an option to... That, that, that fits that mo- those motivations.

Mm. You mentioned there that, uh, there was some sexed differences in the freedoms that we had, at least in the recent past when it comes to-

Mm.

... relationships, dating, marriage, et cetera. Is there a sexed difference in preference for consensual non-monogamous relationships?

There is to some degree. So men are more likely to say that they want to be in a consensually non-monogamous relationships, uh, relationship, probably because the first thing you think about is more sexual opportunities, men are more likely to be thinking about sex, pursue s-, uh, at least casual sex. Um, and women tend to report less of an interest, but it's not a huge... As huge of a difference as you might guess. So there are still plenty of women who are, um... Who I think pursue consensual non-monogamy, but the motives, again, may differ between men and women.

Talk to me about the motives.

Yeah, so, uh, to the degree... So I, I know that you've had a few people on this show before looking at, um, uh, kind of the evolutionary roots of some sex differences, and one that seems to pop up is, again, men are looking for more, uh, um, casual term, casual, you know, short-term sexual relationships. And so to the degree that that is seen as, uh, an opportunity, if you ha- if you can have multiple partners, I think men are at least seeking it out. Now, whether they're having success in finding that number of partners that consensual non-monogamy could offer, that's an open question. Uh, versus women, I... Again, this is... And of course everyone's an individual, but the tendency, uh, is that women, um, are a little bit more picky. They're, they're a little more, um, interested in commitment from a partner, or at least are kind of oriented that way. And so, um, uh, to the degree that they kind of act on that, uh, y- you might find that they're less interested in this, "Well, if you have multiple partners, are you really going to be sticking around and investing in me as much as, say, um, other in- other people?" But at the same time, I think women have a lot to potentially gain from something like consensual non-monogamy, especially polyamory, uh, where there's an emphasis on multiple emotional close bonds. And so to the degree that having multiple partnerships could, um, you know, provide opportunities for, for, uh, kind of emotional connections, support, uh, uh, you know, a, a support network, um, as well as, you know, down the line perhaps childcare, um, I think that it can be attractive. But at the get-go, at least those who report they're interested in it, we're seeing that sex difference, and I think that's why.