Hinge's Relationship Scientist Gives Dating Advice - Logan Ury
Logan Ury (guest), Chris Williamson (host)
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, featuring Logan Ury and Chris Williamson, Hinge's Relationship Scientist Gives Dating Advice - Logan Ury explores hinge scientist reveals data-backed strategies for smarter modern dating decisions Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, explains how behavioral science and relationship research can help people date more intentionally instead of relying on romantic myths. She contrasts maximizers and satisficers, outlines three common “dating tendencies,” and shows why our expectations—fueled by apps, surveillance culture, and rom-com narratives—often sabotage long-term success. Ury also offers concrete advice on profile design, first dates, deciding versus sliding in relationships, and knowing when to stay, leave, or heal after a breakup. Throughout, she argues that true romance is built in everyday commitment and teamwork, not in meet‑cutes or instant “sparks.”
Hinge scientist reveals data-backed strategies for smarter modern dating decisions
Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, explains how behavioral science and relationship research can help people date more intentionally instead of relying on romantic myths. She contrasts maximizers and satisficers, outlines three common “dating tendencies,” and shows why our expectations—fueled by apps, surveillance culture, and rom-com narratives—often sabotage long-term success. Ury also offers concrete advice on profile design, first dates, deciding versus sliding in relationships, and knowing when to stay, leave, or heal after a breakup. Throughout, she argues that true romance is built in everyday commitment and teamwork, not in meet‑cutes or instant “sparks.”
Key Takeaways
Treat dating like any other important life domain—use evidence and intention.
Ury argues that while loving is natural, dating is a learned skill; applying relationship science and behavioral insights to partner choice is as rational as using expertise for health, finance, or career.
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Shift from maximizing to satisficing in partner choice.
Constantly searching for the “perfect” person keeps maximizers swiping and second-guessing; satisficers set clear high standards (kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, good conflict) and then commit when someone meets them.
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Beware unrealistic dating tendencies: romanticizer, maximizer, and hesitater.
Romanticizers expect effortless soulmates, maximizers over-optimize for the perfect partner, and hesitaters believe they must ‘fix’ themselves before dating; recognizing your pattern lets you deliberately counter it with new behaviors.
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Don’t overvalue the ‘spark’; prioritize the slow burn and character.
Instant chemistry is rare, often tied to charisma or narcissism, and doesn’t predict long-term success; many great partners become attractive over time as you uncover depth, reliability, and how they make you feel about yourself.
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Design your online profile as a clear story, not a highlight reel.
Decide the 2–3 key things you want to convey (e. ...
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Improve dates by asking more—and better—questions.
People perceive high question-askers as better conversationalists and like them more; balance sharing about yourself with genuine curiosity, follow-up questions, and “support responses” that explore their world instead of shifting back to yours.
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Make relationship milestones by deciding, not sliding.
Couples who explicitly discuss what moving in, defining the relationship, or engagement mean for each person have better sex, more passion, and more durable relationships than those who drift into these steps for convenience or inertia.
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Notable Quotes
“You are born knowing how to love, but you are not born knowing how to date.”
— Logan Ury
“My role is to help people find a long-term partner that is going to help them create a great life. It’s not about the reality TV show sparky, in-the-moment feeling because that fades.”
— Logan Ury
“In the end it’s not about making the right decision, it’s about how you feel about your decision. And the maximizers are never satisfied.”
— Logan Ury
“What I think is romantic is waking up in bed with my husband after we’ve been together for seven years and just being excited to talk.”
— Logan Ury
“The spark is often systemic to the person, not special to your interaction with them.”
— Chris Williamson (paraphrasing and extending Ury’s insight)
Questions Answered in This Episode
How can someone practically transition from being a maximizer to a satisficer without feeling like they’re ‘settling’?
Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, explains how behavioral science and relationship research can help people date more intentionally instead of relying on romantic myths. ...
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What specific exercises best help a romanticizer replace the soulmate fantasy with a healthier, more realistic model of love?
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How should high-achieving women adjust their dating filters and expectations in a market where traditional status markers (height, income, prestige) don’t map well onto long-term happiness?
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Where is the line between being intentional about dating and over-optimizing to the point of killing spontaneity and attraction?
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In an era of constant digital surveillance and group-chat feedback, how can Gen Z rebuild trust in their own instincts about who feels right for them?
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Transcript Preview
... people don't wanna choose a restaurant, choose a hotel, choose a purchase without doing tons of research, which is fine if you're going to Tulum and choosing among 16 Airbnbs, but it's not fine when you are choosing among thousands of potential partners. And so, what does this era of maximizers do? They always keep swiping, saying, "Who else is out there?"
Logan Ury, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me. I was very excited to receive this invitation.
What does being the director of relationship science at Hinge entail?
You know, it's really a dream job. And if I can just go off-topic right from the beginning, I recently found an email from March 29th, 2012, where I emailed a guy at OkCupid, who I had met in an event, and I was clearly trying to network with him, and I was like, "How was your move to LA? By the way, I'd love to work at OkCupid." And, you know, no response, totally ghosted. And now I'm like, wow, 10 years later and I have this job that I've essentially been trying to get for over a decade. Just feels so good, and it's also a really healthy reminder that when you see people's careers, you're really seeing their final product, the highly edited version. You don't see all the emails that not just were, they were told no to, but all the emails where they just didn't even get a response, and so-
Even, not even enough respect to get the reply. Yeah.
Not even a response, yeah. And so, my job at Hinge is incredible because I basically get to conduct research into dating, and I get to have these amazing moments where I'm like, okay, what am I hearing from my friends and my dating coaching clients? For example, I'm hearing a lot about women dating guys with lower sex drives. The guy is depressed, what's going on? Do they wanna date the depressed guy? Can they overcome the low sex drive issue? How do they support a depressed partner? Certainly, they wanna be dating someone who's in therapy. And then I bring that back to Hinge, and then we conduct research on things like, um, has talking about mental health gone from a stigmatized topic to actually a must-have? And so we did this great research around the end of 2021 where we found that, um, 86% of people say it's really important to them to date someone who is in therapy and who prioritizes their mental health. And in fact, people would be more likely to go on a second date with you if you say on the first date that you go to therapy. And so I basically get to take topics that I'm hearing about through my one-to-one coaching or my friends are just being aware of the dating zeitgeist, bring it to Hinge, conduct research with some amazing researchers, and then share it with the world and say, like, "Hey, this is what's happening in dating right now."
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