9 Ways People Destroy Their Own Relationships - Jillian Turecki

It begins with you. They do not have the power, we do. All the disappointment, confusion and drama of your former relationships can be traced to the universal fear that you are not enough.

Yes. Um, everything that you do inside of a relationship that you are really confused about, that's been maddening to you and to your former partners or anything that, um, (sighs) anything that you, that you are questioning, it can be boiled down to the fact that you are afraid that you're not enough for this person, and if you're not enough, that somehow love is gonna be taken away from you. Because if we, when we are confronted with that insecurity, that we are not good enough in some way, that's when we start to act out all our weirdness inside of a relationship, honestly. And yes, of course, there's childhood, there's conditioning, there's, there's your parents. All these things are influences, but when people are angry, they're afraid. When people are lashing out, they're afraid. When people are clinging, they're afraid. When people are shutting down, they are afraid. And, um, I started the book and named it It Begins With You because no one is going to stand in your way more than you. No one is going to lie to you more than you do to yourself. Same (laughs) for, same for me. This is just everyone. And, um, it's not about you're the only bla- uh, person to blame. It's not about blame at all, but if we want to change our relationship lives, if we wanna change our lives at all, we have to be able to look within and see the ways in which our insecurity gets in the way of a relationship. And we have to see where, our, also, not just our insecurity, but our belief system and our conditioning and the things that happened in childhood. We are the common denominator in all our relationships. That's actually really good news because it means that you can actually change something. Uh, this ide- this concept of is the problem is you, not necessarily. You know, the problem could very be, well be the people who you're choosing, but you're choosing them. So y- you're choosing them. Why? And so, the first principle, the first truth is you have to, you have to be willing to look within, and a lot of people are not willing to do that until they are desperate, but it's the only way.

It's interesting the not enough thing, that it, it makes love and attachment and care feel contingent. It feels like if, if I could be more, if I was able to be... And, you know, if you listen to a lot of the discussions on the internet around romance, but also around friendships and stuff like that, a lot of the time, you know, it's a hopeful and motivating message to say, "Pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Outgrow the person that hurt you. Make yourself better. Uh, take this, uh, curse and turn it into a lesson instead of a blessing that it could've been but it wasn't, so now you're gonna, you know, alchemize yourself into some better version of you." Like, all of that's fine, but the subtext of a lot of that conversation is still you're not sort of worthy as you are, and there's this place that you need to get yourself to or could get yourself to, and if only you were there, maybe you wouldn't have been rejected by this person.