The Art Of Conversation For Making Friends - David Robson

Are we in a loneliness crisis? What does the data say?

Yeah. I mean, you see this, like, everywhere. Like, I think every week, there's a new, like, newspaper article saying that we're in this kind of loneliness epidemic. And, like, there's no doubt that, like, the surveys show that lots of people feel lonely. Like, as many as 50% of people feel, uh, pretty lonely, like, at, you know, regular points in their lives. Um, so yeah, it is a kind of crisis. But whether this is like a new phenomenon, that is really up for debate. Because if you look back at the historic data, which is imperfect, but you can go back like 60, 70 years, um, and people were reporting high levels of loneliness back then too. So even though I'm sure that like some elements of our society today are kind of driving people apart, you know, like people don't live in their families so much, often we're kind of based in, you know, different continents even, um, people are living alone a lot more, like I'm sure all of that is super relevant but I don't think it's the only reason that people are feeling lonely. And I think, like, the research really shows that there must be some kind of psychological barriers. You know, like the problem lies within us as much as in our environment, and that's why people have felt lonely for decades, centuries potentially.

Oh, that's interesting. So there's a, like an ambient level of human loneliness that's just endemic to being us, and then we have this sort of new world of technology and, and atomization and isolation and, and, and digital communication and stuff, and maybe a lot of people are laying what is a much more sort of ancestral, archaic problem at the feet of the new technology. Is that kind of how you frame it?

Yeah, exactly. You know, like, um, every time a new technology comes along, like we blame it for everything. Um, so you know, like, back in like Jane Austen's time, like people were saying that reading novels was like driving the youth into like madness. Um, you know, so I think like technology, you know, like our cellphones are just tools. Um, they can be used to enhance connection or they can be used to, um, kind of just engage in social comparison and make us feel really shit about ourselves compared to other people. But the tool itself isn't the problem. It's the way we're using it. Um, so that's where I'm coming from really, is, is all about kind of mindfully knowing like how we handle our relationships that's important.

Yeah. I think, eh, to me, I would say there is a step change in the power that these devices have over us compared with previous ones. You know, yes, maybe the wireless in 1912 or something was, "These kids, they're just gonna be listening to the news all day or whatever." And then the te- uh, no, the television as well was a, a huge concern, especially when it was in more households. "This is gonna turn everybody into sort of addled, totally useless citizens." Um, I do think that there's a step change. I do think that social media and smartphones are a, a difference of kind, not just a difference of degree, of what we're talking about here. But, at the same time, how easy and convenient it is to now have a legitimate excuse, a, a, a genuine enemy that you can say, "This, this is why I don't connect with people the way that I want to. This is why I don't have any social, uh, depth with the people that are around me. This is why I don't seem to be able to find a deeper meaning in my relationships." Um, it's the boogeyman. It's like the smartphone of the gaps for all of your social ills.